Child Loss

I Need Some Help (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 19 Comments

Previous entries here:
Missing My Baby Boy
5 Weeks PP
2.5 Months PP
6 Months PP
15 Month PP

I have posted on here 4 times already…and my last post was just a 1.5 months ago…but I need some help from you fellow Mamas…I feel so horrible about my body. I want to love it for giving me my boys, but I can’t. I cry about it all the time, and then I cry for crying about it because it gave me Connor and Liam. I just can’t help it. I feel so ugly…I don’t understand how my husband could find me attractive (I usually don’t even trust/listen to him when he tells me I am), I do not see a pretty girl at all. I see a fat, saggy, gross girl every time I look in the mirror. I know I am a good mother, I am just not a pretty mother. I hate my body so much that it is not healthy. If there is nudity in a movie I am watching with my husband I feel horrible, like he would want someone with a body like that instead of mine. I am fat, saggy, and stretched. I want to feel beautiful when I look in the mirror…I love my body for what it did…but not the way it looks. Please help…I exercise and eat healthy, and I am still gross…any exercise advice would be great…Sorry for the vent…I know there are worse things in life (trust me, I know) I just hate living like this…I want to feel pretty

Updated here.

My Ever-Changing Body (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 12 Comments

Age 24
3 pregnancies 2 births
Children- 4.5 and 16 months

It all started when I was 19 years old. I found out I was pregnant with our daughter sometime during the end of August 2005. I was around 140-145 before I got pregnant with her and gained 51 pounds during my pregnancy, she was 10 days early. It took me awhile to start to lose weight. My daughter was around 18 months old when I finally started to exercise, I don’t know why I didn’t start sooner. I manged to get back down to my pre pregnancy weight and also lost an extra 13-15 pounds on top of that, putting me around 125-127. I was really happy with were I was at weight wise and I felt wonderful. Mind you, my daughter was about 2-2.5 by this point so it took a little while. I basically just walked a lot, became a vegetarian and eat really healthy whole foods as much as possible. My husband and I decided it was time for another baby, it happened faster then we thought, 2 months after trying we got our positive test but I miscarried that baby at 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I gained 5lbs. So I went up to about 130. I was determined to get pregnant again, the next cycle we got another positive. I was scared but excited. I felt better with this pregnancy, it felt different. I was able to eat a good diet and drank lots of water and continued to exercise. I really didn’t want to gain another 50 pounds. My pregnancy went really well! A lot easier then the 1st and 2nd. I only gained 37lbs. Putting me at 167ish. About a week after my son was born I had already dropped 20lbs. I honestly thought it would be easier this time but I was wrong. I exercised as much as a could with 2 kids. My daughter was only a 3 years 3 months when brother was born. She still needed a lot of my attention and I was still breastfeeding her. I tandem nursed for 3 months. Then she was done. So my son is now 16 months old and a little more independent, still breastfeeding. I managed to get down to 132 and was really happy about that, but my thyroid is acting up and I’m back up to 139-140. It seems that my waist line and other measurements are going up .5 inch as well. I’m going to see my midwife on Thursday to discuss some things. I have been exercising and eating well and gaining weight. Very discouraging! It all started to go downhill after my father passed away in November 2010. I just started to wear my pedometer yesterday and I will be trying to walk 10,000+ steps a day and see if that helps.
I have always been very self conscious, it is so hard. I love having children and watching my body grow, but hate having to fit for it back :) Our plan is for me to get back into shape and start trying for our next in a couple months if God is willing!

Photo 1- 7 weeks pregnant with 3rd pregnancy
Photo 2- 41 weeks pregnant day of induction
Photo 3- 16 months postpartum
Photo 4- 16 months postpartum

Five Babies in Eight Years (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Homebirth, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

Age – 28
Pregnancies – 13
Births – 5
Children’s ages – 9, 6, 3, 2, 1
15 months postpartum

I had my first four babies in the hospital with varying degrees of intervention. I was fortunate to avoid a c-section, even though I begged for one when the contractions were right on top of each other and hard to deal with. In between my babies I had numerous miscarriages. In 2009 I got pregnant with my fifth baby, completely unexpectedly. I decided that since I couldn’t plan my pregnancy, I was going to plan my birth … so I hired a midwife and had a homebirth.

I had my son on October 27, 2009. He was 8 days overdue and weighed 10lb 6oz. He was born after a literally painless 30 minute labor. If I had known how much better homebirth would be, I wouldn’t have waited so long to have one!

I weighed 225 pounds when my son was born. I lost most of the weight quickly (after all, the majority of it was him!) But then I was stuck at 205 for a long time. I started exercising and changing my eating habits in June 2010 and have lost 30 pounds. I weigh 175 and am 5’4″ tall. I still need to lose 25 pounds to be a healthy weight, but I feel like a goddess where I’m at. Part of me would love to have a tummy tuck but at the same time I feel like the stretch marks are almost a badge of honor, proof of what my body has done.

This might seem silly but the only part of my body that really truly bugs me is my upper arms. I feel like they are inordinately large for my frame. But I am working on them, slowly but surely. Hopefully they will be toned and pretty for the summer …. but if not, there’s always next summer.

Struggling With My New Body (Alexandra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

age: 19
2 pregnancies 1 birth
4 weeks postpartum

pre-pregnancy 142 lbs
delivery aprox 200 lbs
current 170 lbs

In October of ’09 my then boyfriend and I found out we were expecting. He proposed, and we planned the wedding for 2 weeks later. On Halloween I was at work and started spotting. I panicked and went home. The bleeding never stopped, and the next day it became very heavy. Six days before our wedding at 7 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. We went ahead with the wedding and it was wonderful. After the miscarriage I begged my husband to try again to get pregnant. I was obsessed with getting pregnant and could think of nothing else. As the next few months went by we found out he would be deploying in August and in late February I decided now was not the time to get pregnant. Well low and behold I was already pregnant. My pregnancy was flawless, we even found out my husband was going to deploy in August but December/January. We had no worries, no problems, no nothing. During the next 9months I put on 58lbs. I’m still not sure how I gained that much weight. I struggled with the stretchmarks, and my poor husband did everything he could to help me feel better. Two weeks prior to my due date my water broke. The labor did not go as planned but despite the complications my son is now a healthy happy little boy. After we left the hospital I kept telling myself the weight would just fall off, that’s what everyone had told me. And for the first 2 weeks it did. I went down to 184 in 5 days and then to 172 the next week, but it seems as though i have hit a wall. For two weeks my weight has stayed the same. I see my friends who gave birth within a week or two of me back in their pre-pregnancy jeans and it hurts. In the beginning I said I wanted to be back at my high school weight of 135 by the time my husband gets home from Afghanistan in July. It seems to far away and almost unachievable. After my son was born I stopped caring about my stretchmarks, which is nice. I realize there is nothing I can do with them but give them time. I just wish I could accept this new body. I look in the mirror and I don’t really mind what i see all that much. I don’t hide my body from my husband but the thought of staying this weight upsets me. I know its only been 4 weeks and maybe I had unrealistic expectations after the first 30lbs came off so easily.. I just hope i can accept my new body and be ok with possibly never being a size 3 again.

photos me at 17
Holding my son with my husband for the 1st time
36 weeks pregnant
4weeks postpartum

I have all the battle scars of carrying a child for 9 months, yet I am a childless mother. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 21 Comments

Age: 22
7 1/2 months postpartum
1 pregnancy

I found out i was pregnant on Aug. 5th 2009. I was 20 years old and my husband and I couldnt be anymore excited. Most of my life i had mange to stay skinny even though it was very much a struggle for me. Im 5′ 1″ and my average weight was always around 115 my lowest being around 102. After getting married i did get a little lazy and put on a lot of weight going up to 180. I began to work out and got down to 150 when i found out that I was pregnant. It was much a surprise since my husband and I hadnt used protection for about 2 years and were getting worried about not being able to conceive. On October 20th we found out that we were having a baby girl. At first i didnt gain too much weight or get very many stretchmarks but then at about 33 weeks I blew up and was coverd in strechies.
Friends and Family couldnt stop talking about how much weight i had gained. They would go on and on about how big of a baby I was going to have and how there was no way I would lose the weight after. I was even told by someone that I was just going to be fat and ugly afterwards and I should just get over ever being skinny and pretty. By the time I hit 38weeks I had gained a total of about 88lbs. My mom supported me through it all though and kept me confident that even though I did gain too much weight, that she knew how I’ve always been able to stay thin and that I would lose weight this time too.
As my due date approached I became overwhelmingly excited. I was so ready to have this little girl home with me. On Saturday March 27th 2010 My doctor sent me to the hospital to get monitored because my blood presure was a little high and I had been really swollen for quit sometime. He tried everything to find a good enough reason to induce me but he couldnt find one, so I was sent home. My doctor told me though that he would induce me for sure on wednesday. To my suprise on March 29th I went into labor on my own. I was exactly 38 weeks. I went to the hospital and was in lots of pain but so ready to do this and have my Daughter in my arms already, but something was wrong. They couldnt find my Daughters heartbeat.
Within an hour it was confirmed that my daughter had passed away. Her unbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I felt as if my heart was litteraly ripped out of my chest. I have never nor will I ever feel so much pain. After 15 hrs of Labor I gave birth to my Beautiful Sleeping BabyGirl. She weight 5lbs 3oz. and was 17in. long. Yes, She was so tiny. She had tons of amazing black hair, long eye lashes and the most perfect little lips. She looked just like her daddy. Her funeral was on April 1st.
It was going to be hard enough having to lose so much weight but now I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed or even began to think about working out. I hated going anywhere. I always think that people look at me and think she is just fat because I have no child to explain that I was pregnant for 9 months and I did give birth to a baby. but eventually I began to work out again.
I’ve had major issues with my body my whole life. When I was 15 it was to the point that I would go days without eating. Now I couldnt even stand to look at myself. I had stretch marks on the back of my knees, my thighs, my stomach, my back, butt, hips, boobs, arms, just everywhere. I couldnt even attempt to where jeans. Nothing fit me right. I could only where stretch pants or sweats.
I have been working my butt off in the last 5 months. I started to see a difference and was happy. I knew my husband was a little put off by how heavy I am but I didnt think he had a major issue with it since he knew I was trying really hard to get it off. Untill recently when I found out he was cheating on me with a itty bitty skinny girl and then had the nerve to compare me to a barley 20 year old girl who has never had a child by saying “well when I seen her naked, I thought, My wife use to look this good but not anymore” If my self esteem wasnt already shattered it is now. Anyways I am currently seperated and proud to say that I have lost 65lbs so far. I weight 175lbs. and I’m not stoppin anytime soon. I excersie everyday and eat healthy. I still feel very disgusted with my body and dont think I will ever be able to be naked infront of a man again but atleast I can wear jeans now and little things like that im greatful for.

First photo: Pre pregnancy 2ndphoto: 7 weeks 3rdphoto: 38weeks 4thphoto: 2day PP 5thphoto: a little over 7mths PP

Updated here.

Flames (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Back, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 2 Comments

I am a 37 yo mama of two children. I have been pregnant 3 times: one miscarriage, one natural birth in the hospital, and one home birth. My children are now 14 and 11 years old. I paint my stretch marks every Halloween as flames to honor the power of my body and the love I feel for my children! They have changed me body, mind, and soul.

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Shape of a Loss (Nicole)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

First entry here.

In a parallel universe, I am just weeks away from the birth of my second child. I am more confident about the impending labour than the first time around, but a bit nervous too. I am even more nervous about managing life with two kids under two! I am unpacking, washing and folding the baby clothes, setting up the bassinet. Buying breast pads. Feeling uncomfortable and tired, but loving watching my stretched belly squirm and writhe as I imagine where those little feet lodged under my ribs will one day run.

In this universe, my belly harbours no mystery. It is full of nothing more exciting than my lunch. My breasts are empty, although I wear a nursing bra from which I feel obligated to get my money’s worth, despite my son weaning himself four months ago. The only evidence that things could be different is a yellow card in a drawer with my medical records, the last entry reading “11 weeks amenorrhea. PV bleeding. USS 4/5/10 – IU pregnancy no FHR. CRL only 4.9mm and gest sac 15.6. P/V – Cx closed. Bleeding minimum. Adv: Conservative management.”

And these photos, taken weekly from when my doctor confirmed my pregnancy, to the day before I started bleeding and we found out that for more than a month, there had been no baby anymore.

I am a mother of two. I just only have one to show for it.

I CAN Love Me, Finally (E)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 16 Comments

This is a story about love,loss,,discovery and my young body’s journey through motherhood. I guess you can say my journey to motherhood has not been the easiest, but I wouldnt trade the expeirences I’ve had at my young age for anything. I found out I was pregnant with my first child a week before my 15th birthday. I found out while hospitalized for a suicide attempt, I was in the tenth grade,a straight A student, and a very battered little girl. I knew I was pregnant before they even told me, mothers intuition I suppose. As soon as it was a reality, a switch went off and I became this super woman. A strong and confident side of myself I had never encountered before. At the time I was broken up with the father, but right away we had the pressure to “make it work for the baby sake”, which I had a ” whatever” attitude about over the next 8 months. I was an extremely athletic cheerleader. I was 5’3 and 105lbs. Which for my build, was underweight. Ribs and backbones protruding etc. Which oddly was the most confident I had ever been about my body in my entire life. Ive always had a horrible body image for as long as I can remember. At 34 weeks pregnant I found out my son had a heart defect, I was born and raised in Alaska and they didnt have any doctors that could treat a condition of that severity, so I had one day to go home, pack, and ship myself and my mother off to Seattle. Long story short, I had a horrible birth and UW Hospital 9/11/2006 and my beautiful baby boy was immideatly taken to Childrens Hospital. I stopped weighing myself at 185lbs 6 weeks prior to his birth. I literally felt like two of myself. I went from a 34A to a 38DD. My son had open heart surgery at 4 days old, left the hospital at 3 weeks old, and spent 3 weeks at home in Alaska with us before his time here ran out. He was the most precious person I have ever encoutered and changed my life forever. I lost 30lbs right after delivery, but after his loss, I was left with ” this big,fat,strecthed out version of my old self” In my eyes I was huge going from a size 00 to a size 12 and then not having my sweet baby was a recipe for depression. I managed to get myself down to about 130(due to stress mostly) and 9 months post-partum with my son, I found my self pregnant again, this time a sweet baby girl, at the ripe age of 16. Her pregnancy was amazing, I was still self consious but I didnt really show with her until almost my 7th month and after her beautiful water birth, my healthy baby girl was here on 3/1/2008. Mine and her fathers relationship was one for the record books. He was an addict,thief,liar, and everything in between. I raised my daughter by myself, despite the fact we were actually together. After nearly 3 years of abuse I had enough, I took my daughter and moved to Washington from NC(long story how we ended up there), he was soon on his way here, all of a sudden about my daughter. He managed to come and do his damage here aka drug me, rape me, and take pictures and then leave the state. I was mortified ( found the pictures in his jeans pocket, eww). I filed charges and he skipped across the country, never looking back. After years of never “being good enough” skinny enough, flat enough, to deserve to be faithful or loving to. Once he was out of my life, I was left with, What the hell do I do now. What guy at my age is going to be interested in a battered, single mother, and an 18 year old body that has been torn apart by babies? In steps prince charming :). My body took along time to recover from two babies in 18 months. I was left saggy, stretched marked from breast to calf,cellulite, and so self critical it was sickening.At random my crush from middle school(who was everyones crush) messaged me just to say hi, and then began talking to me rather frequently and for the first time in a long time I just let my guard down and let him see the good, the bad, and the ugly right from the start. Assuming he would run away kicking and screaming I kept going, he kept staying. He was a risk,a ladies man, life of the party, insatiably good looking, and everything I never had the confidence to go after previously. This man fell in love with me just the way I was, stretched marked, battered and broken, and told me everyday what a beautiful person I was. At a time I should have felt my best I was more body conscious then ever.This body was not what he was used to looking at,and I did everything I did to hide it. This man left his whole life in Alaska and moved to Washington to be with me, switched companies, and never looked back. So here I sit 19 years old 15 weeks pregnant with my third child, another boy and Im learning to love my body for exactly what it is intended to be, a baby factory.Its an amazing beautiful thing to be born with an ability to give life to another human being from the most beautiful source, the person that you love. So I don’t look like Heidi Klum 3 weeks post par tum but who cares. My body grows, nutures, and feeds another human being and you have to be thankful for just that. It has taken me a long time to appreciate just what my beautiful baby factory can do. I know this story is long but I want to offer encouragement to any mother with a poor self image, anyone who had been sad, battered, and broken and tell you that yes you are beautiful and that there are people who will love and appreciate you for just the amazing person that you are. There is no mold for motherhood. We are the trendsetters in our own lives and now that I have a daughter I hope she can learn and appreciate the female body the way it looks in real life and not what you see on t.v. Its a constant battle for us, but its worth every scar!

Children are: Would have been 4, 2 1/2, and 15 weeks pregnant.
Age:19
Weight 105-185,130-155,115-120 pregnant
Height 5’3

Picture # 1 is 40 weeks pregnant with baby number one
Pic # 2 is my precious boy at 5 weeks old
Pic #3 is 8 months post partum
Pic #4 is the day I went into labor with my daughter
Pic #5 is about 6 months post partum
Pic#6 is my little diva
Pic #7 was 2 years post partum
Pic#8 is my current 15 week bump

Scarred for Life (Judith)

Bonnie (SOAM) 20+ Years Postpartum, Art, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 22 Comments

In 1991, my then 73-year-old mother visited me in Paris for my 36th birthday.
She’d made the long journey from the Dutch countryside by train, and while brewing a cup of tea, I drew her a bath.
Unable to get out of the tub she called for help.
While I’d often seen NIta in the nude as a child, it had been 30 years since I saw her completely undressed.
“Now you’ve seen it all,” she said, no doubt in response to my gaze.
She caught me taking in the slack, creamy skin of her deflated stomach, the nearly hairless pubes and surprise, surprise, her, our, my labia.
Would my body be like hers, I wondered.

A year later I was about ready to give birth.
Throughout my pregnancy I had continued my yoga practice and Jane Fonda’s exercises for pregnant women.
Fonda created the book with a midwife, who in the last chapter warned against the danger of a vaginal breech delivery.
Our breech baby Ariane Eira suffocated, just like the midwife described, during the last five minutes of her birth.
The past nearly 18 years it seems I’ve attempted to keep my stomach round, filling the empty skin, not wanting to view or face the emptiness.
The ten years following our loss I got pregnant four times, each pregnancy ending in a miscarriage.
After a “missed abortion” in 2003, I decided to stop trying to have another baby.
No longer trying to have a family, I focused on what we, my husband and I, had and could have together, just the two of us.
We got a puppy. I remember the moment I felt her heartbeat on my chest, a subtle reminder of earlier loss.

These days I’m working with a personal trainer to get back in shape, I enjoy the rediscovery of a former self.
As the fat burns away and my muscles tighten, the empty belly remains,
Other than that there’s the seldom shared, elongated scar on my perineum, which unlike the scars on my heart, is another visible proof of my motherhood.
My mother and I, so alike in so many ways, except for the daughter she got to see grow up and I had to let go before I could feel her heart beat outside of me.

55 (in November 2010)
6 pregnancies, one birth
18 years postpartum
child-loss
Collage “Starlight” ©Judith van Praag
illustration from Creative Acts of Healing: after a baby dies https://www.dutchessabroad.com/paseo-press/

111210-judith-1

Update – I Had My Baby! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 7 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 1/2 weeks postpartum

My previous entry is here – Since then, I’ve had my baby! The day that I turned 36 weeks my water broke. It was about 6 am. We had gotten to the hospital within 10 minutes since we knew that my cerclage would need to come out. My doctor came in and immediatly got set up to remove the stitch. This is a procedure that is usually not painful at all, but sadly, for me it was. The doctor tried and tried but the stitch was embedded into my cervix and the pain was excrutiating. The doctor gave up and it was off to the OR for a C section. My baby was born on September 28, 2010 at 10 am. He weighed 6 lb 4 oz and was 18 1/4 inches long. He is a good size for preemie! We had a 5 day hospital stay because of the C section and the baby was a bit jaundice. He is home now though and is doing great! I truley love him more than anything in the world. I am breastfeeding and it’s really been rough on me but I am doing my best and baby is gaining weight! It’s been two and a half weeks postpartum and I’ve gone from 152 pounds down to about 130. I am almost at my prepregnancy weight but my stomach is still flabby with stretch marks. I have that stupid little flab that hangs over the C section scar. Oh well.. it was all worth it for my little man. I have lots of pictures here for ya :) The first is my last pregnancy photo at 35 weeks.. I was huge!, the next is my boyfriend holding our little boy after my C section, the next is my first look at my little guy.. so in love!, next is my little guy!, then it’s me about 2 1/2 weeks postpartum, and then a picture of my lovely stretch marks!, and last is a picture of me and my little man. Thanks for reading! :)