I CAN Love Me, Finally (E)

This is a story about love,loss,,discovery and my young body’s journey through motherhood. I guess you can say my journey to motherhood has not been the easiest, but I wouldnt trade the expeirences I’ve had at my young age for anything. I found out I was pregnant with my first child a week before my 15th birthday. I found out while hospitalized for a suicide attempt, I was in the tenth grade,a straight A student, and a very battered little girl. I knew I was pregnant before they even told me, mothers intuition I suppose. As soon as it was a reality, a switch went off and I became this super woman. A strong and confident side of myself I had never encountered before. At the time I was broken up with the father, but right away we had the pressure to “make it work for the baby sake”, which I had a ” whatever” attitude about over the next 8 months. I was an extremely athletic cheerleader. I was 5’3 and 105lbs. Which for my build, was underweight. Ribs and backbones protruding etc. Which oddly was the most confident I had ever been about my body in my entire life. Ive always had a horrible body image for as long as I can remember. At 34 weeks pregnant I found out my son had a heart defect, I was born and raised in Alaska and they didnt have any doctors that could treat a condition of that severity, so I had one day to go home, pack, and ship myself and my mother off to Seattle. Long story short, I had a horrible birth and UW Hospital 9/11/2006 and my beautiful baby boy was immideatly taken to Childrens Hospital. I stopped weighing myself at 185lbs 6 weeks prior to his birth. I literally felt like two of myself. I went from a 34A to a 38DD. My son had open heart surgery at 4 days old, left the hospital at 3 weeks old, and spent 3 weeks at home in Alaska with us before his time here ran out. He was the most precious person I have ever encoutered and changed my life forever. I lost 30lbs right after delivery, but after his loss, I was left with ” this big,fat,strecthed out version of my old self” In my eyes I was huge going from a size 00 to a size 12 and then not having my sweet baby was a recipe for depression. I managed to get myself down to about 130(due to stress mostly) and 9 months post-partum with my son, I found my self pregnant again, this time a sweet baby girl, at the ripe age of 16. Her pregnancy was amazing, I was still self consious but I didnt really show with her until almost my 7th month and after her beautiful water birth, my healthy baby girl was here on 3/1/2008. Mine and her fathers relationship was one for the record books. He was an addict,thief,liar, and everything in between. I raised my daughter by myself, despite the fact we were actually together. After nearly 3 years of abuse I had enough, I took my daughter and moved to Washington from NC(long story how we ended up there), he was soon on his way here, all of a sudden about my daughter. He managed to come and do his damage here aka drug me, rape me, and take pictures and then leave the state. I was mortified ( found the pictures in his jeans pocket, eww). I filed charges and he skipped across the country, never looking back. After years of never “being good enough” skinny enough, flat enough, to deserve to be faithful or loving to. Once he was out of my life, I was left with, What the hell do I do now. What guy at my age is going to be interested in a battered, single mother, and an 18 year old body that has been torn apart by babies? In steps prince charming :). My body took along time to recover from two babies in 18 months. I was left saggy, stretched marked from breast to calf,cellulite, and so self critical it was sickening.At random my crush from middle school(who was everyones crush) messaged me just to say hi, and then began talking to me rather frequently and for the first time in a long time I just let my guard down and let him see the good, the bad, and the ugly right from the start. Assuming he would run away kicking and screaming I kept going, he kept staying. He was a risk,a ladies man, life of the party, insatiably good looking, and everything I never had the confidence to go after previously. This man fell in love with me just the way I was, stretched marked, battered and broken, and told me everyday what a beautiful person I was. At a time I should have felt my best I was more body conscious then ever.This body was not what he was used to looking at,and I did everything I did to hide it. This man left his whole life in Alaska and moved to Washington to be with me, switched companies, and never looked back. So here I sit 19 years old 15 weeks pregnant with my third child, another boy and Im learning to love my body for exactly what it is intended to be, a baby factory.Its an amazing beautiful thing to be born with an ability to give life to another human being from the most beautiful source, the person that you love. So I don’t look like Heidi Klum 3 weeks post par tum but who cares. My body grows, nutures, and feeds another human being and you have to be thankful for just that. It has taken me a long time to appreciate just what my beautiful baby factory can do. I know this story is long but I want to offer encouragement to any mother with a poor self image, anyone who had been sad, battered, and broken and tell you that yes you are beautiful and that there are people who will love and appreciate you for just the amazing person that you are. There is no mold for motherhood. We are the trendsetters in our own lives and now that I have a daughter I hope she can learn and appreciate the female body the way it looks in real life and not what you see on t.v. Its a constant battle for us, but its worth every scar!

Children are: Would have been 4, 2 1/2, and 15 weeks pregnant.
Weight 105-185,130-155,115-120 pregnant
Height 5’3

Picture # 1 is 40 weeks pregnant with baby number one
Pic # 2 is my precious boy at 5 weeks old
Pic #3 is 8 months post partum
Pic #4 is the day I went into labor with my daughter
Pic #5 is about 6 months post partum
Pic#6 is my little diva
Pic #7 was 2 years post partum
Pic#8 is my current 15 week bump

16 thoughts on “I CAN Love Me, Finally (E)

  • Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

    First off, so sorry for your loss, you are a strong woman! Second, such a touching story. I hope the best to you and your family!

  • Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    in the last pic you look perfect. seriously, you look amazing! so sorry about your first little one, the pic of him in the bath with his scar is so touching. and congratulations on your next one:)

  • Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    You have been so strong to overcome so much in a short amount of time. Bravo.

    The sadness of losing your little boy is heartbreaking.

    You look wonderful in those last 2 pics and have the cutest, tiny baby bump!

  • Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Wow! You have been through a lot!
    And you sound like you have come out of it so strong! You are an inspiration! I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy. At such a young age you have concured so much, you should be very proud of yourself!

  • Thursday, November 18, 2010 at 1:23 am

    Your story made me cry… I can’t imagine losing a child like that
    …And by the way, I think you look amazing!

  • Thursday, November 18, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Wow, this is so heartbreaking, but at the same time it shows such strength and courage! I have a little boy and can’t imagaine what you went. The picture of him in the bath is beautiful And to agree with the others, you look gorg, I wasn’t expecting you to look like that, from what you wrote!

  • Thursday, November 18, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I try to do the same with mine, which us similar to yours. I am 34 now, successful, and happy in my own skin. If more mothers could find that, we would all be better off. Cheers to you, and bright wishes for you and your family.

  • Friday, November 19, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Hearing about the loss of your baby boy broke me down to sobs thinking about my own little son, and how very much I love and adore him. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must have been like for you.

    Thank you for the inspiring words about your experiences in motherhood, and the path of your life. The photo you took of your son is simply beautiful.

    And YOU of course, are stunning!! Your body is tremendously amazing!

  • Saturday, November 20, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    your baby boy is beautiful I am sorry for your loss…I also lost my first son, I was 22, and he was 19 months. You look great and happy. Congrats on your baby girl, and the little one to come.

  • Sunday, November 21, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    I couldn’t imagine losing a baby like that. You must be a strong lady! I’m also glad you got to do a water birth – I’ve been interested in that myself. :) You are a lovely lady. You have a gorgeous smile. I hope that you have a nice day. Keep up the great work. :)

  • Sunday, November 21, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    im so sorry to hear about your loss…you seem like a very strong person!….i hope you know you look better than heidi klum i am shocked that you had three kids your body is amazing! good luck with everything

  • Wednesday, November 24, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Glad to see your update – I’ve read all your entries over the years and they’ve always touched me. CONGRATULATIONS on the baby boy! And your 2 year old is a doll. And hun, you look G-R-E-A-T. Happy pregnancy to you!

  • Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I am 10 years older than U, and at times, feel almost as down on my body as U did, at such a young tender age. But, it never lasts long, because like U, I KNOW that my BAbies are MORE than worth it!…..looking @ ALL U’r pictures, even without knowing U’r story, I would never have thought U to be less than BEAUTIFUL. God Bless!

  • Monday, January 10, 2011 at 6:45 am

    What a beautiful story. You are so strong and an inspiration. You are doing an amazing job and a lot of people can learn from your life experiences.

    This is a little quote I live by day to day as a young mother:

    Everything happens for a reason. Circumstances will either direct you, correct you, or perfect you!!

  • Friday, January 28, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    hi. i feel so touched by your story!! when i was 13 i was raped and 3months later i found out i was pregnant a month and a half later i lost the baby. i found out he was a boy the day i lost him they put me to sleep and took him out of me i dont remember anything partly drugs but mostly cuz i blocked it out. when i was 19 i found out i was pregnant with my second son kaedin :) now he is 2years old. we were trying for another one for almost a year and in that time we got pregnant again and i lost the baby at 7weeks i was so upset but i didnt give up we got pregnant a month later with the doctors help and now i am 13 weeks pregnant with my 4th pregnancy. its been a struggle but i see where your coming from. as far as weight abuse loss and everything in between. i am sorry for your loss and everyone elses who has lost a child and i am here to say that you are a very strong person who will always be looked at as a hero in you child’s eyes. i hope that everything works out for you good luck with everything that you will go through and everything you will go through.
    i hope that things work out for the best goodluck….

    if you ever want to talk you can find me at my blog its on facebook you can look it up.
    Mommys Timeout
    i havent written in it for a while because i have had alot on my plate but i would love to be friends if you want
    thanks and goodluck.

  • Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    Wow your story breaks my heart and makes me happy at the same time. Im so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son, your abuse and rape and everything else. But congrats on your little girl baby on the way and your good life now. You overcame alot and your story was very inspirational and thanks for sharing!!! Blessings ..

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