Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Fourth Baby, Mixed Feelings (Elizabeth)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 30 Comments

I am 28 weeks pregnant with my forth child, I never thought I would have a forth child. I met a man a year ago who I really fell for after being alone for 2 and a half years after a bad relationship.I was even going to marry him last September. A few weeks after I found out I was pregnant I called off the wedding. I had a gut feeling something was not right. He was not making sense sometimes and I felt like he was hiding something. I just found out two weeks ago that everything this man had ever told me was a lie. We have had no contact since. I don’t mind raising another child on my own, I have done pretty well with the three I have. I am concerned because this is the second time in a row that I became involved with a bad person. I feel like I should have learned. I am also concerned about my children not having fathers. My first two children were with my ex husband, who is terminally ill. he was diagnosed a year ago with colon cancer, which has since spread to his liver and lungs. It’s one of the scariest things I have ever dealt with, and we are taking it one day at a time. My children starting spending half their time with him this school year, and I miss them terribly when they aren’t here, but I know they want to be with him, and he deserves to see them as much as possible. My 3rd baby’s father was accused of molesting his step daughter from a pervious marriage, and I felt like I had no choice but to ask for supervised visitation, but he stopped going when she was 11 months old so she doesn’t know him. She is now three. I don’t know what is going to happen with the baby I am carrying and her father. He is a pathological liar, his other 2 children are being taken away, he is mentally unstable and I am scared of him.. I am still in shcok and very hurt and confused, but I have three beautiful children to keep me going. I feel very blessed for them.

I love all of my children with all of my heart. I want what is best for them. I feel like I would like to meet a nice man someday, but I have terrible luck in that department, and I am scared to take anymore chances for a long time. I am already very self conscious about my body from carrying 4 babies, and from being psychologically abused by my ex. I feel like I better just stay away from men, and enjoy my kids while they are with me, I know they grow so fast, my oldest is almost 14.

I like photography and I took this photo myself with my cameras self timer. I like this picture, the lighting is flattering and it made me feel a little better about myself. I wanted to share it, I love this site. I have posted 2 times before but the posts have been lost.

011311-elizabeth-1

Updated here.

Blessed and Tortured (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

Im 23 years old. I have a 3 year old son. I was 165 before pregnancy. 135 now.

I am blessed with an amazingly handsome 3 year old son and an equally amazing husband who I struggle with myself everyday. and hate that my stomach looks like a road map. Since finding this website, i’ve started to accept that i cannot change it any further than i have by healthy eating and exercise. Im learning to cope. Although i am my own worst enemy and frequently feel very depressed because of my stomach. Thank you for creating this website. I have been contemplating posting for a loong time now… well Here it goes!

Updated here and here.

Two More Photos and an Apology (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

Original entry here.

Just wanted to add these pics which better show the saggies and stretchmarks. All the pics except the pregnancy one were taken at about 6 months pp from my second child, the two most recent taken when I was lying down. I feel like I have offended people and I want people to see that I am not some airbrushed supermom who bounced right back, nor am I delusional and imagining the marks I am trying to learn to love.The whole intention of my post was lost I think, and for that I am sorry :(

Already Shaped Like a Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Before Pregnancy, Breasts, Submissions 16 Comments

First off let me say that my story is quite unusual. I’m 22 and I have never been pregnant, and I don’t plan on trying any time soon. However, I’ve always had body issues, and for some strange reason I found this site and got hooked. Many of you women are complaining about your saggy breasts and stretch marks AFTER having children, but I have never been pregnant and I have saggy breast and stretch marks already! I have never, ever been overweight (and I’m about 5’8” and I’ve been about 150 lbs for the last 10 years.) Although it is very, very hard, I’m actually learning to love my breasts and I want to encourage you mothers to be happy that you ever had perky breasts (unlike me ;-) and that your breasts can still be beautiful even if they’re saggy. I’ll probably post on here one day when I actually do have children, and hopefully I will be able to cope with my then, even saggier breasts.

– I know the quality of the pictures is not the best, but you get the point.
– In case your wondering, I’m African American, one breast is larger than the other, and my breasts are very light in color compared to my body (I have no idea why that is).

Trying Not To Be Sad, But I Just Can’t Help It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 17 Comments

Age:22
1pregnancy/1birth
4 weeks PP

I was 21 when I found out I
was pregnant. The father & I had only been serious for about 6 months at the time, but he being 6 years older than me was ready to settle down & took the news better than I did. I never had a perfect body by any means, I am 5’4″ and fluctuated between 125-145 ever since I was 15 years old. I was just like any other girl my age and hated my body. Now looking back, I would pay any amount of money to have it again. I was a 36C and thought my boobs were saggy. Haha!! I clearly did not know the meaning. When I first found out I thought since I was so young I would gain the minimum amount of weight and I’d bounce right back to prepregnancy size.

Boy was I wrong!

On 11/18/2010 I went to my weekly check up (I was 38 weeks pregnant) Everything went just like any of the other appointments I had had. I was weighed, and at this point had gained exactly 40lbs. (putting me at 174) I got my cervix checked for dilation & was still 2cm which I had been for the past month. They asked me the normal questions… ‘have you felt the baby move today?’ and not really thinking anything of it I replied ‘no not yet today, she generally sleeps until about 4pm’ well, the doctor did not like the sounds of that. He sent me right over to the hospital where I was hooked up to all the monitors. They explained to me that I could choose to be induced but since my body technically wasn’t ready to give birth yet and given the size of the baby (according to my ultrasounds she was already about 9lbs) that there would be an 80% chance I would end up needing an emergency c-section. So I chose to just go ahead with the cesarean. At 11:47 that evening Kenleigh Madison was born at 8lbs9oz & 20 1/2 inches long. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on.

The recovery from the surgery really wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I was up and walking 12 hours later and only ended up staying in the hospital for a total of 2 days.

Now I’m stuck staring in the mirror at this, for lack of a better word, this mess.

All the extra weight just sits around my mid section, my love handles, my ponch. Looking at myself truly grosses me out. I can’t fit into any of my clothes and it’s so frustrating because it’s literally just the one area. My legs and arms and face all shrunk back immediately. And the stretch marks under my belly button are so awful & painful the sight of them brings tears to my eyes. Even my belly button is twice it’s normal size! I wish I had at least tried to give birth vaginally, because I fear I will never be able to lose the baggage due to damage that has been done to my abdominal muscles. The scar itself doesn’t bother me, it’s low enough that it’s easily hidden. But everything else about my stomach is a nightmare. & my boobs!! I’m 22 and now have the breasts of a 40 year old. I just fear that my boyfriend will lose interest. If not because of my body, than because of my lack of confidence. And I just can’t help it. We’ve talked about marriage before & during my pregnancy and I’m afraid that now that he sees what my body looks like that he will think twice and not propose.

The pictures I’ve included are:
1)my body prepregnancy
2) about 9 months pregnant
3) the 1st time I held my beautiful baby girl
4) Kenleigh a day old
5&6) my body 4weeks PP
7) my scar

My Fiancee Loves My Womanly Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 13 Comments

Some days I feel like a beautiful Greek statue. I am 5’2″ and 190 lbs. I am afraid to lose wt bc I like being soft but I need to get down to 145 for my health and confidence. I am the mother of Irish twins and they are 10 mos apart. I got stretch marks everywhere and sometimes they bother me and sometimes they dont. They have faded a lot but my tummy overhang bothers me and I did not have a c section. I have worked hard me and my fiancé work opposite shifts full time and go to school full time but we know it will be worth it for our family. We should all just aim to be well and healthy and educated and not worry about keeping up with the jones or glamour magazine. Ps I love that I have dimples in my bum and my cheeks on my face! Side note I am a licensed massage therapist working in womens wellness and plan to incorporate this site into my work with new moms. I am 23.

Updated here.

Update Baby #2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Since my last entry I have had another baby! My little girl was born 4 days early so that was exciting for us and she weighed 7 lbs 4 oz. With my first pregnancy I gained 55 pounds and found it took alot of hard work to get my body back. This time I worked out my entire pregnancy and ate super healthy. I gained 21 pounds the second time around. My body really snapped back super quick this time so that was nice! It was a bit of an adjustment at first going from one child to two children, but things are going super well now! My son loves being a big brother and my little girl is getting so chubby already. Below is a picture of my belly at 39 weeks pregnant and another picture at 12 days post partum. I am now 7 weeks post partum and pretty much look and weigh the same as I did 12 days after giving birth.

Thanks to all the other moms for sharing your stories! And thank you Bonnie for creating this website. I have been coming to it for years now and I think it’s absolutely amazing and inspiring to all women, :)

Why can’t I see myself through his eyes? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 11 Comments

age:17
number of pregnancies and births: 1
postpartum: 5 months

I honestly have no idea where to even begin this post. I was always the “skinny girl” growing up. I got alot comments on my weight, and they were not always postitive ones, but I loved my body and who I was. I started dating my boyfriend when I was 15 years old. We found out I was pregnant when I was 16 and he was 19. Right from the get go I knew I loved my baby. All through out my pregnancy I always got the comment “oh you are going to bounce right back to your old body!”, I have now come to hate that saying. I was 93 pounds when I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth I was at 156. I had never been over 100 pounds in my LIFE until I got pregnant. I loved my body through out my pregnancy and loved being pregnant. I felt like a woman and loved all my curves and even liked the stretch marks. They were the proof of a beautiful healthy baby growing inside my belly. As soon as I met my daughter it was love at first sight. I was so amazed at how beautiful she was. Then as a few months went by, I realized my body was not at all what I wanted it to be. Im ashamed when I look in the mirror. My boyfriend tells me Im beautiful and he loves my body more now then he did before. He tells me he loves everysingle mark pregnancy has caused, because without them he wouldnt have his daughter. I don’t feel sexy and hate every part of my body. I get so irritated at him and can’t see what he sees. Is he blind? I dont understand how anyone can look at my body and think it is not disgusting. My daughter is my world and I would not trade her for anything, I just cannot seem to come to terms with myself. And to be honest, I feel selfish when I say I hate my body. My body brought my daughter into this world and I just wish I could love it as much as I love her.

pic1: 2months before i got pregnant
pic 2: 8 months pregnant with my boyfriend at baby shower
pic 3 and 4: 5 months pp
pic 5 and 6: my beautiful baby girl

Updated here and here.

Happy New Year!

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 6 Comments

I read this article today about a woman who discovered that what she had perceived as overweight turned out to be just exactly who she is (and not overweight at all). It really moved me to read about her inner transformation and her decision to embrace herself and buy new clothes instead of her usual January-diet-up-and-down-cycle. How beautiful, to be able to discover that maybe you already are, well, beautiful.

Do you have a similar cycle? Have you made resolutions or plans to lose weight this year? How about loving yourself? Has that played into your New Year’s goals at all?

To be clear, I absolutely always support a healthy lifestyle. Eating whole foods with a large produce base, and moving your body regularly is a solid foundation for everything else to follow. Living healthfully allows you to feel better physically and emotionally. But I feel strongly that learning to love yourself is equally as important and, sometimes, must be accomplished before the rest can begin to follow. And the fact is that I have met many women who, for various health reasons (thyroid, food intolerances, adrenal issues, hormonal issues, etc) simply cannot lose the weight no matter how healthy they are. I’ve also met women on the other end of the spectrum – who are underweight and cannot gain enough no matter how they try – their struggles aren’t any less just because they happen to look, at first glance, more socially acceptable. Should woman, over- or underweight, have anything less than love for their bodies, just because they don’t happen to meet some number on a doctor’s chart? Hell no! They should love their bellies and breasts and legs and hips no matter what size they are. Because we are all beautiful. Period.

Working on this website has been such a blessing in so many ways. I get to see such beautiful people every day. I get to read about their struggles and their joys. I get to watch them love themselves. And they inspire me. I had already begun my journey to love myself wholly by the time I started this site, but I cannot believe I ever would have come this far without each of you. I hope I can return the favor.

Over the past year we had some incredible stories shared here. Colleen wrote about making peace with her cesarean and the scar that came with it. Lisa took a moment to ponder what she would say to a friend in her position – this is, in fact, one of my own personal tricks for being loving to myself. Mary wrote an incredible account of her feelings toward her body – beginning in the midst of hatred and coming into appreciation and respect. Emily realized how incredible a mother’s body is and promised to never forget. Proudmama touched readers’ hearts by comparing her body to a well-loved home full of warmth and memories. Eden shared what has become one of my favorite photographs ever. And that is just a drop in the bucket of the stories shared here. The pain, the joy, the emotional growth. I want to thank all of you – writers, readers, supporters. You are beautiful women. I mean that.

So. What resolutions are you making now? I hope that loving yourself, physically and mentally is on that list. Or moving further down that road, or sharing the message of love to others you know. Whatever applies to you. Because, you deserve it, our daughters (and sons!) deserve it, and together we can kick this self-hatred crap right out of womanhood altogether.

Happy New Year!

10 Years Isn’t Always Enough (Christine-Y)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Submissions, Suicide or suicidal thoughts 13 Comments

age – 24
2 pregnancies, 2 births
4 1/2 years, and 2 years.

Well, I guess it starts with middle school. My ex-stepfather was an older man who was very manipulative. He mental abused my mom, and treated my brother & I worse. My mom would work 2 jobs, & he would gamble her money at the race track. She even caught him there cheating on her once but she took him back. I promised myself that I would never let any guy treat me like that. He started lying to my mom, telling her how we lazy we had been, while he worked scrubbing the house on his hands and knees. The first time I stood up for myself, he didn’t say anything. My mom left for work the next morning a little after 5 am, he pulled me out of bed by my hair, and told me if I ever tried to discredit him again, I wouldn’t have a mom to “tattle” to anymore.

A few months later I started high school, (my brother & mom would get home 2-3 hours after me) he started molesting me. He would corner me in the kitchen, & one day he tried to take my shirt off, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I told my friend about it, & she said if I didn’t tell an adult, she would. I told my school counselor. The policeman that showed up at home just “happened” to be my step-dad’s nephew. He told my mom I was looking for attention, that I was lying, and that once I was over the death of my step-dad’s dad, I would stop lying and behave better. I kept my mouth shut for 2 years after that – he should me the gun he would put to her head if I said anything again. My counselor didn’t follow up even one time.

I stopped caring about my grades & began to plan my suicide. The night I had hand-picked, I couldn’t find the bullets. 1 week later, my little brother did, and for a few months, he didn’t try to touch me. When my Mom started to wake back up, he started to say I needed new clothes, everything was too baggy. I was a size 5-7, 112 pounds, 5 feet 8 inches but wore a black hoodie year-round (in California) & size 9 jeans to hide myself. He picked up where he left off, & one day told me he wanted to hear me scream, because no one would believe a filthy little liar like me. I was talking to a grief counselor at school, when I mentioned the abuse was still happening. By that evening, my mom had him escorted out of her house, & was in contact with a divorce lawyer. I got to move back home in time to graduate, & started going steady with the man I am married to today.

I can’t imagine life without him here. I still have panic attacks, and I wake up crying, screaming, or just plain scared. There are days where I can’t be touched, and a cupboard door slamming still gives me flashbacks.
We got married a year after high school ( I was 18), 3,000 miles away from my family, and had our first son shortly after I turned 19. I started out at 125 (the most I had EVER weighed) and ended up at 180 by the time he was born, stretchmarks from my breasts to my calves). I was miserable, my hip ( I had a bone graft @ 12) was hurting constantly, & my back (which I hurt while hand-digging a pool, not to mention hand-mixing the cement at 13) never stopped. I hated myself after JJ was born because I couldn’t get him to latch, & had to stop before he was 5 weeks old. I went from a 32B to a 38 DD trying to nurse him. I was so depressed over it, I stopped letting my husband look at me because I felt like a horrible, hideous failure. After 1 1/2 years, I still couldn’t loose the weight ( I was 160 pounds), but we wanted 1 more. With Daniel, I was sick from day one. I lost 32 pounds the first 6 months, & was medicated to help with the nausea. My boss told me it was my fault I got knocked up, so deal with it. My sciatic nerve kept me in constant pain from the end of my 2nd trimester on. I ended up at 162 pounds. When Daniel was born, I tried again to nurse, & even got compliments from WIC on how well I handled the techniques, but he wouldn’t latch either (inverted nipples). I cried for weeks afterword, because he wouldn’t nurse, but I couldn’t pump like I needed either. I was working 60+hours a week (6 days) with 25+ hours of commuting. I would cringe when he would put his arm around me at night, because he would touch my fat tummy. Daniel is 2 years old now, and I am (slightly) more comfortable. I still weigh 156, and I know what it is going to take for a healthy 3rd pregnancy (we are trying & hoping for a girl), and I know there will be pain ahead, but I know that my babies love me, I love them, & as often as my Husband sings “One Hot Mama” to me, he must mean it.

It’s been a long 10 years since my troubles started, but the next 10 will be better. I have a man that calls me beautiful everyday, and two boys that love their mommy. The only way it gets better than this is a house with 2 toilets…;)

Picture 1, 3 – me, 12/09/2010
Picture 2 – my Handsome Boys