10 Years Isn’t Always Enough (Christine-Y)

age – 24
2 pregnancies, 2 births
4 1/2 years, and 2 years.

Well, I guess it starts with middle school. My ex-stepfather was an older man who was very manipulative. He mental abused my mom, and treated my brother & I worse. My mom would work 2 jobs, & he would gamble her money at the race track. She even caught him there cheating on her once but she took him back. I promised myself that I would never let any guy treat me like that. He started lying to my mom, telling her how we lazy we had been, while he worked scrubbing the house on his hands and knees. The first time I stood up for myself, he didn’t say anything. My mom left for work the next morning a little after 5 am, he pulled me out of bed by my hair, and told me if I ever tried to discredit him again, I wouldn’t have a mom to “tattle” to anymore.

A few months later I started high school, (my brother & mom would get home 2-3 hours after me) he started molesting me. He would corner me in the kitchen, & one day he tried to take my shirt off, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I told my friend about it, & she said if I didn’t tell an adult, she would. I told my school counselor. The policeman that showed up at home just “happened” to be my step-dad’s nephew. He told my mom I was looking for attention, that I was lying, and that once I was over the death of my step-dad’s dad, I would stop lying and behave better. I kept my mouth shut for 2 years after that – he should me the gun he would put to her head if I said anything again. My counselor didn’t follow up even one time.

I stopped caring about my grades & began to plan my suicide. The night I had hand-picked, I couldn’t find the bullets. 1 week later, my little brother did, and for a few months, he didn’t try to touch me. When my Mom started to wake back up, he started to say I needed new clothes, everything was too baggy. I was a size 5-7, 112 pounds, 5 feet 8 inches but wore a black hoodie year-round (in California) & size 9 jeans to hide myself. He picked up where he left off, & one day told me he wanted to hear me scream, because no one would believe a filthy little liar like me. I was talking to a grief counselor at school, when I mentioned the abuse was still happening. By that evening, my mom had him escorted out of her house, & was in contact with a divorce lawyer. I got to move back home in time to graduate, & started going steady with the man I am married to today.

I can’t imagine life without him here. I still have panic attacks, and I wake up crying, screaming, or just plain scared. There are days where I can’t be touched, and a cupboard door slamming still gives me flashbacks.
We got married a year after high school ( I was 18), 3,000 miles away from my family, and had our first son shortly after I turned 19. I started out at 125 (the most I had EVER weighed) and ended up at 180 by the time he was born, stretchmarks from my breasts to my calves). I was miserable, my hip ( I had a bone graft @ 12) was hurting constantly, & my back (which I hurt while hand-digging a pool, not to mention hand-mixing the cement at 13) never stopped. I hated myself after JJ was born because I couldn’t get him to latch, & had to stop before he was 5 weeks old. I went from a 32B to a 38 DD trying to nurse him. I was so depressed over it, I stopped letting my husband look at me because I felt like a horrible, hideous failure. After 1 1/2 years, I still couldn’t loose the weight ( I was 160 pounds), but we wanted 1 more. With Daniel, I was sick from day one. I lost 32 pounds the first 6 months, & was medicated to help with the nausea. My boss told me it was my fault I got knocked up, so deal with it. My sciatic nerve kept me in constant pain from the end of my 2nd trimester on. I ended up at 162 pounds. When Daniel was born, I tried again to nurse, & even got compliments from WIC on how well I handled the techniques, but he wouldn’t latch either (inverted nipples). I cried for weeks afterword, because he wouldn’t nurse, but I couldn’t pump like I needed either. I was working 60+hours a week (6 days) with 25+ hours of commuting. I would cringe when he would put his arm around me at night, because he would touch my fat tummy. Daniel is 2 years old now, and I am (slightly) more comfortable. I still weigh 156, and I know what it is going to take for a healthy 3rd pregnancy (we are trying & hoping for a girl), and I know there will be pain ahead, but I know that my babies love me, I love them, & as often as my Husband sings “One Hot Mama” to me, he must mean it.

It’s been a long 10 years since my troubles started, but the next 10 will be better. I have a man that calls me beautiful everyday, and two boys that love their mommy. The only way it gets better than this is a house with 2 toilets…;)

Picture 1, 3 – me, 12/09/2010
Picture 2 – my Handsome Boys

13 thoughts on “10 Years Isn’t Always Enough (Christine-Y)

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I am so sorry to hear about what you went through…
    You look beautiful at the weight you are now! Your sons are adorable, I am 24 and have one that is almost 4.5 and one that is almost 2 :) You are a better mommy that your mom :) You are doing great…congrats on your family, and loving husband.

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Your story is so touching, and you have a gorgeous hourglass shape.
    PS. My husband sings one hot mama to me too :)

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

    All I have to say is that your a strong woman and I bet your kids love you for that.. Your very lucky to have your kids + husband in your life. Stay strong!

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

    You look PHENOMINAL!
    I am not saying this to raise your spirits, or to make you think differently. I am saying this because it is the truth. We all see our bodies much differently than others. And with a past like yours, no one can blame you for resenting your body. But you sound like a very strong woman that pushes through her fears, which is something only very strong people can do.
    Your husband sounds absolutely amazing. He isn’t lying when he calls you a hot mama, because without a sliver of a doubt, you are ONE HOT MAMA!
    Smile, & please learn to love your body. It doesn’t just happen, unfortunately. It is something we have to train ourselves to do. :)
    Your beautiful!!!!!!

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Your story breaks my heart! I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I, too, lived in a situation similar to yours and I know how painful it can be when your own mother won’t / cant defend you. Your husband and kids are very lucky to have you, and you’re also very fortunate that your mom divorced that monster. Unfortunately my mom died while still married to my stepmonster. Your body is beautiful!! ((hugs))

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    I am SO angry for you! I am the most upset about all the adults in your life who looked the other way when you and your brother were in so much pain. Nonetheless, it sounds like you were able to survive and create an amazing life for yourself. That is so inspiring. On top of that you have a beautiful hourglass figure! I hope that the next ten years of your life are absolutely phenomenal because YOU DESERVE IT!

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    I’m so sorry for your childhood, but I can see that you are a strong woman. Your strength really shows through your writing. You have all of these GOOD boys and men now around you – such a blessing. You are a beautiful woman with a gorgeous shape!

  • Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    You are stunning. Inside and out.

  • Wednesday, January 5, 2011 at 5:06 am

    Listen to what everyone is saying to you… You really do have a beautiful shape and I barely see the stretch marks. Can anyone else? :) You will be such a great mommy considering everything you went through, and now nothing could ever break you. You have a wonderful husband who adores you and two beautiful children that love you more than anyone else. You truly are one lucky and lovely woman. I am so happy for you that you were able to find your husband and create such a great life for yourself and be able to grow two human beings in your pretty little tummy. You are so beautiful mama, I hope you see this soon. :)

  • Wednesday, January 5, 2011 at 5:16 am

    I wrote a really long comment, only for my computer to freeze up and not allow me to post it, so I’m only going to type the main points. Mama you are beautiful, just like everyone is saying here. I am so happy for you that you were able to find your husband and create such a wonderful life for yourself. You grew two human beings in that pretty little tummy of yours, and nothing could ever be more beautiful than that :) Because of everything you have gone through, you will always be the fantastic mother you were meant to be, I promise you that. You have a wonderful future to look forward to and I send you all of my love and respect. Good luck to you :)

  • Wednesday, January 5, 2011 at 5:21 am

    I am sorry about all the things that happened to you. I am glad that you are doing better now and I just wanted you to know that you have a beautiful body. Someone said in a previous comment that you have an hourglass figure. You do!

  • Sunday, January 30, 2011 at 9:17 am

    so sorry about all the bad things that happened to you. Some people are so awful and evil its disguisting. Im am glad that you have a wonderful family now and a great husband. Your two sons are handsome. Enjoy your life now – you deserve it! the weight will come off soon enough!

  • Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

    wow first off youuu are beaauuuttiffuuulllllll!!! at 5’7 that is a great weight you are in!! you have a very nice shaped stomach and your stretch marks can go a way with time. You are truly beautiful and truly blessed.
    Thank you for sharing your story, i feel in the near future you will have a house with 2 toilets! i admire you, you been through so much, you work constantly and your a parent, you husband, and children are very lucky to have you. Keep up the good work

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