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I have submitted entries to shape of a mother from my 3rd and 4th pregnancies. Today I felt I need to do this again. I feel horrible about my body today. Yesterday I got into an argument with my youngest child’s father. this is part of an e-mail he sent me;
“Did that guy you were seeing see you naked yet? Cannot blame you for wanting to wait. Don’t wanna scare him off. Better keep your bra on though. After how much they sagged before I cannot imagine how bad they look now. Although they might be full of milk at the moment and temporarily okay. Better hook him now quick before you stop cause its gonna be bad. I don’t remember your body looking good. You forget you had to beg me for sex. I only did to shut you up. Lol. What I remember was a twenty nine year old with the body of at least a forty year old. And I saw a forty year old once and she had three kids and her body was much better. You did not look too bad with your clothes on but… lol. Just sayin. Plus now you got that chunky look. Not my thing. Out of every woman I have seen naked that had kids you have one of the worst bodies I have ever seen. How many have you seen?”
I included what he said to me, because of how much it hurts me to hear the father of my child say these things to me. I wonder if anyone else has been told these things by someone they were once very close to, and how to deal with the hurt. I know my flaws, I had confided in that man about them in the past because I used to trust him. I know what he is saying about how I look is pretty much the truth. I am not blind. I just wish I didn’t care anymore.
I want to be able to say that I am proud of my body for growing and feeding 4 beautiful, healthy babies, and mean it. I want to say that I feel so blessed to have these children that I don’t care what my body looks like at all. I want to feel happy about it, and lucky, and I want to stop being self conscious and ashamed, and sad when I see my self in the mirror after a shower, or if I ever become intimate with someone again. But I don’t see it happening. I was in good shape before this pregnancy but was too sick to exercise during, and I have not started back up, I know that might help my feelings a little, but exercise cannot change some things. wide hips I have always had and stretched out skin. I am most ashamed of my breasts, I have breastfed for over 4 years of my life and counting. I should feel lucky to have had that opportunity and the bonding with my children. I don’t see myself ever spending money on plastic surgery. Even though I want to, I would feel too guilty to spend money on something like that. And I would feel like a fake. I have never really liked my body, never felt comfortable in my skin, even as a child. One thing I always hated was the scar below my belly button from when I was an infant. I never hated the way I look more than I do now. It is definitely amplified after 4 children and being talked to like that by more than one of my exes. Why do I feel so embarrassed about how I look? How can I get over this so I can spend that time on thinking about how awesome my kids are instead of how bad I look? Feeling this way just adds guilt to my shame.
~Your Age: 30 years old
~Number of pregnancies and births: 6 pregnancies and 4 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 14 yrs old, 11 yrs old, 3 yrs old, and 2 months old today :) (2 months postpartum)
64 thoughts on “Tired of Feeling Ashamed (Elizabeth)”
You look better then I do and i have only had one child.
I almost cried too when I read what he said to you. Can you change your number and email so he can’t continue to abuse you verbally and emotionally? I would only communicate with him through an attorney and or the courts.
You are a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman.
I dated someone very abusive and cut off all ties with him.
I had all sorts of minor physical ailments that miraculously disappeared after he was out of my life.
This guy is toxic. I think you should avoid him at all costs if at all possible but he should pay for the child he helped bring into the world. Maybe he could have supervised visitation if visitation and child support ever become a reality.
My heart goes out to you. You have to be good to yourself and not let any douchebags into your life. DON’T Listen to him. If there is anyway you can cut off all communication with him except legal I again would strongly urge you to do it. Once you stop seeing those messages it will make a big difference. I didn’t read all of the posts but I would suggest you talk to someone, like a counselor or even someone at a church or rape crisis center.
He has gotten inside your head, that is what abusers of all varieties do to their victims.
I am 46 years old and have had body image issues my whole life and I am alone now. I know I could get someone but I want a quality person because I know I am worth it and I realize now that I don’t have to have anyone to be complete. I may never meet anyone and that is ok too.
I have two beautiful children.
Peace and love to you
He’s saying all that because he is PISSED you are seeing another man. girl let me tell you I had a baby 6 months ago and I have yet to lose the baby weight I was 120 now I’m pushing 170 and I still look good! Don’t let him hurt you that’s what he wants not every man is a father some are just sperm donors. you look amazing nothing is wrong with your body any REAL man would be lucky to have you and your baby! keep your head held high. – Sheila.
I think that you look amazing, so much better than the way I look. I have very saggy wrinkly skin on my tummy and am struggling to lose the baby weight. I have four children, all by c section, my tummy hangs over the scar. my first husband told me that no one would want me after I had my first baby because my stomach was so disgusting. I hated my self for years and was horribly depressed, I was convinced that if any one ever saw me they would hate me. I have since re married to a man who would never say such horrible things. Love is pure and not dependent on what some one looks like, you have the most amazing figure and your breasts are beautiful. You have to tell your self how lovely you are, caress your tummy and allow the pain you feel to heal.
Please don’t listen to anything that ‘person’ says to you again. That is abusive language that he’s using to control you. I hope that when you find love again they adore your fantastic wonderful body, every curve and dimple, because that is what you deserve.
Until then, be strong and show your children that you aren’t going to let his idea about what your body should look like prevent you from happiness in life! And don’t forget that the things you think, and how you respond to your body image WILL be observed by your children. Try to break that cycle of poor body image! And never ever let that man talk to your children the way he does to you. What he says is most certainly NOT truth. Humans are beautiful – all shapes and sizes. He doesn’t know a thing about a beautiful woman.
Oh my GOD! Your ex is so not right. Like the others, I was expecting to see a totally different picture…you’re gorgeous! I weigh 125, and my boobs used to be a D while breastfeeding my kids (I nursed three years total) and now they are like skin flaps…like a size small b. My stomach is just loose skin, and trust me…I would KILL to have your boobs and tummy! You look fabulous and any real man, would think so. Love and hugs!
I’m not sure if they publish comments from men on this site, but I just wanted to say that you look great. And also wanted to say what a jerk your ex is for saying the things he did. He obviously has your number about your body image and knows what hurts you. Learn to love yourself and your body. You have only one, and it has to last a lifetime.
I have never commented on a post here before, but really felt compelled to write to you.
You MUST understand that your youngest child’s father is an absolute idiot (to put it nicely!!) and is ONLY saying those things to hurt you.
I would not bother commenting if I didn’t genuinely believe this to be the truth- you look beautiful and AMAZING. I know many, many women who have never even had kids who would KILL for a body like yours. You don’t just look amazing for a mother of four, you look amazing- PERIOD.
It made me so angry to read this post (angry at your ex, not you!), because looking at your photos, I can see that you’re gorgeous and that you have nothing to worry about and know that what he is saying is being said just to try and upset you and make you feel bad. I wish I could punch him in the face!!!!!
Please don’t let his cruel words hurt you. He sounds like a very miserable, nasty person who is only trying to cause you pain by focusing on something which he knows is sensitive for you.
The other commenters are absolutely correct… your ex is a jerk, & is obviously just trying to hurt you because in some way or other he feels you have power over him.
You look amazing & deserve amazing people in your life. He’s just an ass, & it’s great that you are no longer with him & that your children will witness a mother who is strong enough to choose people who respect her in her life.
Like everyone else here, for whatever reason, HE was simply trying to hurt you. HE probably knows how self-conscious you are about your body, so that’s what he targeted. HE knows your bod is in excellent shape for the number of pregnancies and live births it’s been through. HE could well be jealous someone else is interested in you. But no, your bod is great and if you get back to working out…. half of us in here will not speak to you :) Go for it Lady!
He said those things to hurt you, nothing more. They are not true. You may know that, but I know that doesn’t always mean you feel it.
You know you can block him from contacting you, even if you have a court ordered visitation? You can file harassment with the police (if in the US), as their criminal process is separate from civil. I had to do that with my ex. Get a lawyer. One of the rules in family court is no disparaging comments in front of the kids. Block his e-mail, and get a court order that you can only converse via snail-mail, in person, or unless there is an emergency and those conversations must be in regards to the kid/s only.
There are no laws against being a jerk or thinking bad things about others. There are against direct harassing contact.
You, of course, are very beautiful. I look “worse” than you do for sure. I know there are shallow people out there, maybe he is one and anything other than airbrushed perfection is unattractive to him. Even those airbrushed models don’t look like that in real life- real life doesn’t Photoshop. It must suck to be him being forever surrounded by imperfect women when he is so flawless, eh?
Omg, first of all, you are beautiful I don’t see one flaw at all. But I completely know where you are coming from. Your child’s father is simply an ass hole who has no appreciation for a real woman’s body. Men can be so shallow, but you have to remind yourself everyday, that God created you aand he gave you your beautiful babies and so you are perfect. No matter what any other human being has to say. My girls father has the same attitude towards me tho. So I know how difficult it can be. Just believe in yourself and your babies and don’t take any negativity to heart.
Sounds like your ex still has it bad for you. Never heard of a man so concerned with a body that didn’t leave him wanting. Could almost feel sorry for him the way he’s trying to convince himself that he’s over it. Pathetic really. He needs to grow up though.
My ex is a lot like that, although he has taken to complimenting me because I don’t believe him about being “too chubby” anymore(I am 5’8″ and 125 after 4 kids) He tried to control me with insults and the idea that nobody else wanted me. You have a sexy body especially knowing you just had a baby, take care of yourself and listen to the people who encourage you and don’t listen to a man who is bitter and jealous.