Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

6 weeks PP and struggling to look in the mirror (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo 18 Comments

Age 31, 1 beautiful daughter

I became pregnant last Christmas with my first child, a surprise to both my husband and I…our little Christmas present :-). Before becoming pregnant, I struggled with body image issues and had gained about 30 pounds over the previous 2 years. Going into my first pregnancy already overweight really bothered me and I really tried to keep my pregnancy weight gain under control, but ended up gaining about 50 lbs anyway. I never struggled with my pregnant belly; in fact, I actually enjoyed having the round pregnant belly, but I was terrified of stretch marks. I put buckets of cocoa butter on, knowing that it probably wouldn’t help but trying anyway, and around the 6 1/2 month mark, the first little purple squiggles began to appear. By the end of my pregnancy, they were everywhere. My entire belly was covered, my hips, my upper thighs, my “love handles”, and even my upper pubic area (how did they get there???).

As much as I hated the stretch marks, after I had my daughter my body transformed into something I hadn’t imagined. I had an unplanned c-section (I really wanted to avoid one but ended up with one anyway) and now on top of all of the stretch marks, my belly hangs/overlaps over the incision. I literally have to lift my stomach up to clean my incision and because of the way my skin hangs over it, it isn’t healing as quickly and is very uncomfortable. Most clothing is uncomfortable because it just mashes the overlapped skin down onto the incision. On top of that, it’s hanging crooked (the right side hangs lower than the left) and my left hip has this weird dent/overhang. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror and I won’t undress in front of my husband because I’m disgusted by my own body and can’t imagine that he isn’t too. When I do catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, I find myself fighting back the tears. I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last 6 weeks and have watched my body change quite a bit, but I can’t shake the feeling that my body is too far gone.

I adore my daughter and I’m so happy that I have her, but I’m really struggling with this and desperately wish I could get past it. Hoping to find some encouragement here. Thanks for reading!

Stuck at 156 (Kayla)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 18 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

I am 11 months pp tomorrow and cant see any changes since my last update! I have been running 4-5 times a week and trying to get to the gym on a regular basis and just cant get past my weight – 156lbs. Running after a crazy 11 month old should do something as well, but nothing! I also cant seem to get my strech marks to fade anymore. Anyone have any tricks? I was hoping that by the time my son turned a year, I would be back to the weight I was this time ago in 2007. I know thats a far strech but im only 16 lbs off! I would looove to get back to my 140lbs, when I loved everything about myself! My son makes all the strech marks and sagging skin worth it every day when he smiles at me in the mornings, but sometimes you just have those days where you hate your body! Id like to think that I dont look as bad as I could, and I try to tell myself that everyday. “It could be worse, Kayla.” I love looking at this site, and getting strength from all you other beautiful mama’s out there! We, without a doubt, have the hardest, and best job in the world!

Updated here.

8 Months PP and love my new body! (Elissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 30 Comments

My story starts off with trying for 3 years to have a child with my husband and when I finally gave up I had concieved, YAY! I started my weight at 5’6″ 136 pounds. I was a 36-C and had a beautiful body… I had morning sickness until I was 7 months pregnant, EVERY SINGLE DAY! I had very good weight gain until I hit 6 months and and all the sudden I exploded. I can tell you how depressing that can be when people constantly tell you how beautiful you are and how amazing your body is. The attention just wasn’t there anymore and I think all of us can agree that when we took our clothes off and saw our hips, legs, tummy, arms, chins, cheeks and even our toes get bigger it was just depressing! I mostly want to tell you my story because I want everyone to know that it can be done, it’s hard but it can be done…

I had a hard pregnancy being sick for 7 months and then after that was all over I had horrible contractions that kept me from being very active by the time I was finished with my morning sickness. I started having pains in my lower stomach and come to find out I was going into preterm labor. That is a very scary thing to have to go through and they suggested I stay in bed for 5 weeks, untill I hit the 37 week point. They did an ultrasound and told me that either I hid my baby well or she was very small…I had a thought in my head even though no one told me to do so but figured if they were telling me earlier in my pregnancy that the more I gained the bigger the baby would be. So I ATE AND ATE AND ATE AND ATE hoping that if my baby arrived early she would have some extra weight on her. My daughter was born at 38 weeks and 3 days via emergency c-section. She was an extremely healthy, beautiful, alert 7 pound 10.8 oz baby girl…before we went in I had weighed an amazing 196 pounds I lost 17 pounds at her birth and I stayed at 178 pounds for about 6 weeks. I decided this wasn’t working for me and I WAS going to lose the weight because I had a bunch of skinny sisters joking around with me calling me fatty because that’s just the kind of family we are. I wanted to prove to them I could do it and I started to eat healthy, I cut out all liquids other than water. Juice was my big problem, I never realized how many calories were in a cup of juice and I had literally been drinking 92 oz a day. Breastfeeding was making me thirsty!!! If I couldn’t eat and I forgot to eat due to hacing to feed the baby, change the baby, give the baby my full attention I stopped losing weight…You have to eat in order to lose your baby weight. I use to forget to eat before I had her and I would drop weight like crazy but now I have to make an effort to eat 3 small healthy meals a day with two healthy snacks in order to lose anything. My daughter loves to go on walks, it’s her “alone time” and that doesn’t bother me because I get some what of a workout doing it. I am not a fanatic about working out and I do it now to get my muscle tone back, but it’s about 10-15 minutes a day lifting 5 pounds weights and strapping the 5 pounds to my legs and doing leg lifts.

I want to tell you that I have lost 56 pounds and my daughter will be 8 months tomorrow. My breast due to breastfeeding are still bigger than they would have been but that will go away when I am done. I encourage those of you that can to breastfeed because not only is it the best thing for your child but it burns 500 calories a day. I don’t care what people say it does or it doesn’t…When my daughter would go through her growth spurts I would lose a ton of weight and my uterus would shrink a lot. Every month I made an extra effort not to give into my period cravings and every month during that time I dropped 5 pounds. I have not lost weight like other women do, a pound a week, no…It takes me a whole month of eating well and waiting for my period to come and go to drop the 5 pounds and within that week, every day I will drop a pound a day. I also can tell you I had a horrible csection scar and it is fading drastically with the cream I cover it in over night…It’s from bath and body works it is called, “Lay it on thick” I did not get a ton of stretch marks but I did get some and the ones I got I put this cream on and it took them away, you can barely see them. I also used it while I was pregnant and I believe that is the reason I didn’t get any of them. I hope this story helps others who are sturggling because I was there. It’s taken me 8 long months of eating right to come this close. I still have 5 pounds left and while I realize my body will never be as tight as it was I love every minute of what I’ve got. My body carried a life and was able to create a life that has made mine so much better. For all you mothers who don’t know what you’ve done, you are amazing and you’re beautiful no matter what! Good luck to everyone and congrats on the lives that you’ve created!!

I hope you all enjoy the pictures, as you can see through them I got to be quite big and now I’m back to the old me, so don’t get down, it will come off, for some of you easily for others like me, it will take a little bit of work but you can do it!

Updated here and here.

Needing an Ego Stroke (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 42 Comments

Age:20 Age at birth:19
1 pregnacy 1 birth by c section
postpartum: 12 weeks

I met my husband at a fatal car accident. I was first on scene as a forensic photographer and he showed up as a firefighter. We became pregnant 3 weeks after by surprise. Our son was a first night encounter baby. I was a very small person. I started out as 99 lbs and was a total gym rat. I took pride in seeing how far i could push my body to the limit. I never was sick during the pregnancy but i was unable to do any physical activity. As the months passed I watched my once toned body grow and my skin rip. I gained 32 pounds during my pregnancy. At 41 weeks the doctor induced me where i waited for the baby to come for 18 hours. After a hour of pushing that was going no where, my body was exhusted and was giving up. I ended up having a emergency C-section after 20 hours of labor all together. My beautiful baby was born, not all pretty like normal c section babies cuz i had pushed so hard. but he was the most perfect baby. I ended up getting a massive infection in the hospital and gained more weight to a toal of 140. 5 days later i was allowed to go home with my new son. I was horrified at what the mass of my body looked like after. I had stretch marks on my butt and my breasts and where my belly ring had been tore. My once butt now nicely blends into my thighs. Since the birth of my son i have gone through finding out about three semi affairs my husband had with three girls and my self esteem is at a all time low. I feel like a young mommy that has a mommy body and a nice purple scar from hip to hip and stretch marks. I am trying really hard to accept my body and not being able to workout as hard as i would like due to the pain still, is discouraging. i know i will never be the same as i used to be and one day hope i can accept and love the new skin i am in. I have dropped my weight and am now to 102lbs but along with weight i have lost all form of tone.

pictures:41 weeks, hour before being induced
me and my son
my son
the rest, my body now

Baby got bigger, I got smaller -update from previous entry (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 16 Comments

Facts: 3 pregnancies, 2 children, 1 cesarean. 2 1/2 years postpartum. Age 27.

Story: I first posted to The Shape of a Mother in an entry in April 2008 entitled “Never Been More Proud“.

I wanted to update because I talked about in that entry how proud I was of my body for the 2 miracles it created, and while that was true and still is true today, back then I really did not like my reflection in the mirror too much. It wasn’t long after that submission that I started working on my outward appearance…not for anyone else, but for MYSELF. To feel better about MYSELF.

And since then I have lost about 60 lbs! There are still some things I would like to work on and my body still definitely looks like a mother’s body, saggy stomach and all. But, I feel better about myself and my body now at this moment in my life than I have in years. No, it’s not perfect, but perfection is an illusion. All I want is to feel the best I can physically and mentally and have good self esteem so that I can raise my children to be happy with their bodies and feel good about themselves. And that is what I have accomplished since my last submission. I feel so good about myself now and am finally, for the first time in a long time, happy with what I see in the mirror. It’s still a work in progress, but as of right now, I feel great. :)

I tried to re-create the same image as in my last submission for comparison.

120109-anon-1

PCOS and Me (Brittany)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Infertility, PCOS, Submissions 17 Comments

I found out a year ago now that I have PCOS. Since kindergarten I have been “mothering” everyone. I have always dreamed about being a mom and I feel that is what I was born to do. But with the PCOS and being addicted to junk food I just dont know how Im going to be able to accomplish that task. Ive tried a lot to get myself motivated to lose the weight, ive even put newborn shoes on my wall. I just ache all the time, my muscles ache, my back…everything aches. Four years ago I went through something that really broke me. I still havent gotten over it and I think my fear of losing the weight way outweighs my need for a child. at least right now. That sounds horrible but Im so scared to be smaller. Im scared to look good. I dont even know if im able to have children. I think I just need the support of someone who understands what im going through. This site has often inspired me to be ok with my body, but now that I know it might hurt my chances of being a mother…its hard to accept myself the way I am. I dont see myself as others do. I know this is a site for pregnant woman and mothers but seeing the support given really inspired me to write in. Thank you.

These Pictures were taken Today 10/22/2009

Updated here.

Mummy of one and one to come with major self esteem issues (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 38 Comments

Im 19, i had my child on the 5th novemer 2008 she is now almost 12 months old
I am currently pregnant im 21 weeks

Iv always had self esteem issues mainly because i had to try match up to me perfect sister! she is skinny beautiful and very talented and i was just the chub kid my dads side of my family loves me very very much but my mums side not so sure i feel like i have to be a certain standard to gain there love which is pretty sad. I feel intimidated when i am around them the only time i click with my mum is when shes drinking. And my sister well we never get on shes too good to be speeking to me She was Ms Queen Bee in primary school and high school and she still is and shes 22!!.

Thats where my confidence really dropped didn’t help i got called fat as a kid and throughout high school so i started turning to drinking and smoking pot and ciggies to try fit in and that made it worse i got my self quite a name. The only reason why i would get a chance with guys is because of my breasts in my bra they looked nice and perky i am a DD even when not pregnant, but with out a bra they go south. Very South so i have never showed anyone so you guys are the first people to ever see my boobs!.

Up untill this day i dispise the body i live in i hate it everything about i hate i can’t even look at myself in the mirror with out bawling into tears i try and accept but i can’t i don’t want to feel that way about my self but i can’t help it. Pregnancy didn’t really change what i looked like just a few stretch marks and extra baggage.

my dad always told me i was beautiful and god loved me the way i are but it just goes in one ear and out the other like i crindge when my bf sez im a sexy mumma and im perfect i hate it it drives me nuts!! i always say stop telling me im beautiful and perfect when im not i know what i am so don’t tell me different he gets quite annoyed because of my confidence issues but he doesn’t know anything about it since his skinny and muscely its like OMG i feel so left out from the world guys take one look at me and laugh or give me a look like omg what is that. I hate it i don’t want my kids growing up knowing there mummy hates her self iv tried loosing weight hundreds of time but i can’t. What the heck is going to happin to my body after the 2nd baby! ??? its bad enough now as it is.

I can’t explain how i feel about my self to anyone untill i came across this site:)
but it really does make me sick looking at my body naked
Im a Christian i do everything a christian is to do i sponsor’d a child i donate to charity i live by God but i just can’t accept ‘Me’ i’v tried preying but nothing happins.

A Week of Thanks – Thursday

Bonnie (SOAM) Collaborative 1 Comment

And before I get to it, I should add how very thankful I am to every one of you readers. Those who contribute, who pass on the link, who read and are changed, those who e-mail me your gratitude. You all have changed my life, contributed to my own growth in accepting myself and my body as I am. Thank you, all of you.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I am thankful for my body, I have more respect for my body now that I have two children than I did in my younger days. I love my curves, love the fact that my curves show that I can bear children, that I am that powerful. I do not look like a girl, but like a woman! Yes, I have stretch marks, and my belly will never be flat, but I gave birth to a 9 lb 9 oz son. If I can do that, I can do anything.

-Julie Ann

~*~*~*~*~*~

I am thankful for so much in relation to my body: that it could be the nest where my son could enter the world and grow in; that, in spite of my anxieties, the nest provided all he needed; that it could open up for him to emerge into full participation in the world; that my breasts could both nourish him and provide a connection to his nest so that he could take his own time about participating in the world; that now he is independent of the breast connection, I can offer him a lap and arms to enfold him and even carry him. I am especially thankful to my breasts. They were only hints of breasts before I was pregnant, like the tufts you can make on meringue with the back of a spoon! And yet, they worked!!! I still remember the day I found colostrum in my breasts: miniscule they may have been, but they worked & nursed my son for 5 1/2 years – I am so thankful for that! I have no stretchmarks, but I do have slightly fuller breasts – still well under an A cup size but MY Mamma breasts!!!

Thank you Bonnie for the prompt to appreciate myself & all of us in this way!

-Andrea in Edinburgh, Scotland

~*~*~*~*~*~

First, I would like to say thank you for this wonderful site you have created. It helped immeasurably during my first couple months post-partum; allowed me to see past the flaws and celebrate the deeper meaning of my body. I had thought there was no way my body would snap back to its formerly fit & lithe self. Reading the stories other women shared allowed me to confront the fact that even if it didn’t, would that really be such a bad thing? Why was so much of my self-esteem tied to my body image? So I decided to live well, eat well, exercise, and enjoy my children. And by about 3 months post-partum, while not quite as taut as before (my “accordion” belly), I was amazed that I could again fit into my skinny jeans. The surprise was how it was a pleasant one, but not one that caused me to redefine my self-esteem…because it was already back.

So, thankfulness. An ode to my breasts.

At 6 months following the birth of my second child, I am still amazed at the ability of my breasts. I am so thankful to have nourished another thriving child, who nurses like champ. When I look down at his robust little thighs, I marvel at how I could sustain a child entirely on my own. It is a mystery to me that my (normally) A-cup breasts could me such great milk producers. Following both pregnancies, they grow to D-cups, and I’ll admit, they are quite lovely. In fact, I regularly admire them in the mirror, telling myself I might as well, since they are temporary gifts. More importantly I love the closeness I feel to my baby while he nurses – how he looks up at me as he drinks and can be instantly soothed – it is a satisfying feeling. It gives me renewed appreciation for mother nature, the perfection of human physiology. And I will not begrudge what happens to my breasts following this second child, because whatever the cosmetic price, they have performed their job admirably, and it will have been more than worth it.

-lksmama

~*~*~*~*~*~

For my American readers, I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving. For everyone, I hope you took this chance to reflect upon your blessings.

Peace to all.

Twins and one on the way … my body’s journey! (Nicole)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Tattoo, Twins 10 Comments

At last I found a person whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and our engagement was made even more special a week later when we found out I was pregnant, then special again when I found out it was twins :)

My twin pregnancy went beautifully, the girls had to come in the world a little earlier due to pre-eclampsia and stayed in hospital with some difficulties for 4wks but now things are near perfect ;)

Now with 20mth old twins I am expecting my next bubba, due in 5weeks time.

Here are the pictures of my body’s journey so far in motherhood!

Age: 24
Number of pregnancies: 2
Number of births: 3
Age of Children: 20mth twins & one on the way
Due Date: 24th Nov 09

Week of Thanks – Tuesday

Bonnie (SOAM) Collaborative 0 Comment

I am thankful for my flabby belly that gave me 5 beautiful children. Who in turn have given me a lifetime of love and happiness as well as my beautiful granddaughters!

-Christine

~*~*~*~*~*~

My 3rd child will be 3 months old tomorrow. In the shower this morning I was looking down at my deformed stomach thinking “wow I still kind of look pregnant” except now it is misshaped and kind of points out to the left. My next thoughts were how lucky I am to be a woman and be able to carry life inside me. Before I was a mother I thought I knew what love was, but it was only when I held my first born for the first time that I truly understood. I love who I am as a mother. My pregnancies and births have transformed me. Like a caterpillar changes into a butterfly. The stretch marks, flabby skin and less then perky breast are beautiful because they are a reminder of the lives and love that surround me. How lucky I am that this body carried 3 beautiful healthy children. How lucky I am to be a mother and feel my baby kick and move. How lucky I am to be a mother and be able to provide nourishment for my baby. My body empowers me. What’s a few stretch marks when my body has done all these wonderful things. LIFE! What could be more beautiful than Life?

-Darlene

~*~*~*~*~*~

I will be sharing thoughts from our readers during the week about the things we struggle to be thankful for. If you’d like to participate, e-mail me your thoughts to bonnie@theshapeofamother.com and I’ll post this sometime this week.