Pregnant

Is there hope or am I going to be in these shoes forever? (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I am 19 years old/ 18 when pregnant/ 19 when i gave birth.
number of children:1 born july 8th 2010.
birth: c sec.
pre pregnancy weight:105
Wheight right before birth: 175
Wheight now: 144
Weeks pp: 7

Hello. I started this entry knowing exactly what I wanted to say but suddenly…I dont know where I should start…perhaps I should start by saying that like most teens I was ungratful about my body I once had, and took every beautiful inch of it for granted. Or should I start by saying that I got pregnant on perpose?? Ither way I think I shall start with pre pregnancy life…pre pregnancy life was full of bushitten and partying…at the age of 17 i met the best boyfriend any 17 year old could ask for, i was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship when i met the guy i want to spen the rest of my life with. i had been seeing someone since i was in 7th grade off and on until my jr year began. he fooled me so many times i look now and waunder what the hell i was doing. he cheated on me with my friends and always dissed me for other people…i guess its because when i lost my verginity to him i was only 12 and i was stupid and too young for sex. My father was never realy around in my younger years, so perhaps thats why i clung on for sooo long as well…andywho I met Cory my boyfriend now, at 17 when I was still with this guy…and I ended up leaving him for cory…which i will never regret =) Cory and i where dating for a few months and i fell for him hard and fast…he then moved to another state where his mother lived to get his life back on track, i was heart broken..but we kept in touch the whole time he was gone, he was gone fore about 4 months, when he got back, he thought he was too young to be tied down and wanted to brake up, i was heart broken…so he went his way, and i went mine…little did i know he was getting into some pretty hardcore drugs, and so was I with other people. He was doing meth and i was doing coke. a few months went by and at this time my x’s cousin was trying to get with me, i desided what the hell free coke, and i get to get my x back for all the times he messed with my best friends, so me and this guy fooled around, we will call him bubba, him and i where really good friends before we fooled around…but since we do not speak. so cory comes back around feeling like he messed up…and at this point i didnt know what to do. at the time i thought i cared abouit bubba but i truly didnt know what love was yet. long story short bubba and i broke up and cory and i got back together. cory was living with his dad who was a drunk like mine, and thought buyin alcahol was more important than paying the gas bill…and it was the middle of winter. so there was no heat or hot water. i stayed the night with him most the time, because i was just so crazy about him, and i had a vehicle to get to school. i would tell my mom i was staying at my dads, who lived a few blocks away, but i think she knew better.
Cory and I ended up getting into meth pretty bad up for days, and weeks at a time…hangen with the wrong crowed, when i was with my x i had no friends i didnt go out drinking or partying i wasnt allowed to, because i was stupid and let him control me. so once i got away i was doing everything crazy that came my way and it felt great!! Until I oded. and ended up in the hospital, cory and i had been up for weeks and my heart rate was increasing dramaticly and i was halusinating…when we got to the hospital i hardly rememberd a thing…my heart rate was 198bpm, from what my mom told me later on…after this i vowed never to touch that shit again…

a year went by i graduated high school barly, and cory and i got our own place. i was working full time at a call center and he was working full time at a catering company…he had dropped out of school when he was 16 he is a year younger than me.

I was on the depo bc shot for almost two years, when i got off it, i had horrable periods and bleeding problems thinking id never get pregnant…i got depressed. then i got to wanting a baby, for about 6 months, and then cory and i desided we would try for a baby i was almost 19 and he was almost 18, yea stupid i know. but we tryed and tryed and finally i realized it was never going to happen…then poof! on nov. 10th my mothers bday i got a pos. pregnancy test! I was so stoked!!! i called him to tell him and he was happy too! then everything came crashing down we both lost our jobs and had to move to missouri where his family lived, other than his dad. we where living with his sister which was not plesent at all grant it she is a great person, but it was very crowded. i was 24 weeks pregnant when we got our apartment, and settled in he was working full time at mcdonalds, and i couldnt find a job even if i tryed, i was already getting huge…
i was mesuring 5 wks ahead because of extra water the placenta was retaining…
people would ask me if i was having twins…
finally when i was 39 weeks and 3 days i was indused…because of savere vvaricose vains and the fact that my uturus would not grow any further, on l=july 7th i was induced…july 8th, i was finally 10cm dialated after 13 hours of labor and ready to push, i pushed for 3 hours before the doc said no no no! his head is stuck on your pelvic bone! i started to ball why me!!! after all this work. the gave me a spinal blcok that failed so they had to kncock me out for c sec. cory was devistatetd he couldnt be in the room for the birth of our baby! the knocked me out and the next thing i remember was waking up and getting to hold my beautiful baby boy! Karter Julian Wayne Bowser! he was born at 6:18 pm july 8th 9ibs 20z 201/2 inches long!!!

he was perfect in every way!!!

but now im left with this stumic. i dont mind the stretch marks, nor do i mind my scar, its this overhang thats deeply depressing me. ive never seen anyone with an issue until i came to this site, everyone i know had little 6ib babys and quick natural labors…and back to there pre pregnancy self…
i was a size 0 when i got pregnant now im a 9. that dosnt even bother me.
i just dont feel there is hope to get rid of this flab…everyone tells me only sergary can fix it. specially since i have desrectis recti savere seperation of the abdominal wall, because of how big i was…
please ladys give me hope!!! that I will beable to loose this!

im ataching a picture of my son less than a day old and of now, and a picture of me and cory before i got pregnant, as well as a before pregnancy pic and a pic of me at 30 wks pregnant. and pics of me now.

My struggle, the stretch marks are totally worth it (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 8 Comments

I have an incompetent cervix. This means that my cervix opens way too soon, resulting in a miscarriage or stillbirth. My first pregnancy I lost at 9 weeks when the baby was discovered to have passed away. My second pregnancy I lost at 4 months, when my water broke and I was dilating. The baby was already on her way out, so I had to deliver. At this point.. no diagnosis was made. They said it was a fluke, and no mention of a cervical condition was made.

When I found out I was pregnant again, needless to say, I was terrified. All I could think is “What if it happens again?”. I was very cautious, and so was my doctor. Every little pain I felt I made sure I was checked out. At around 18 weeks I was feeling some strange pressure, so being the nervous mama that I was, I went to the ER. The ER docs checked me out. They did a manual exam which concluded that my cervix was still closed. I was relieved. They decided to call my on call doc to let him know what was going on and then they were going to release me. I was sitting in the exam room waiting, quite relieved that everything appeared to be OK. Then, the on-call doc walked in. He just happened to be in the hospital, and given my history he decided to check me out himself. He did another exam and said that my cervix was closed but felt a little bit soft and not like that of a woman who has never given birth at term. He took me up to L&D. I started to get a little nervous but figured he was just being cautious. He did a transvaginal ultrasound and found that my cervix was serverely funneled (opening from the inside out) and very short. Usually this happens when you’re going into labor, but in my case.. it was just happening. I cried, got dizzy, almost passed out. The doctor was very kind and explained what could be done and that all hope was not lost. I decided to go home that night, and call my own doc in the morning. I truley believe that the on call doc being there was a miracle. If it wasn’t for him, I would have lost this baby too.

The next morning my doctor had called me. He had my report to a local women’s only hospital. The High Risk specialists there were awesome. They confirmed that my cervix was indeed dilating and short. They then set me up for an emergency cerclage. A cerclage is a stitch placed in the cervix to hold it closed and keep the baby in for as long as possible. They admitted for the night, and the procedure was set for the morning. I was TERRIFIED!! I barely slept all night long. I cried the whole time I was wating to go into surgery. There are risks to the procedure (breaking of the water, infection etc) and I just wanted to bad for my baby to be OK. Turned out, the procedure wasn’t so bad. I was awake for it, but was given a Spinal Anesthetic so I couldnt feel a thing. It was over in about 30 minutes.. and then I was sent to recovery. I had some cramping but was doing OK, so they sent me home that night.

At first, I was scared to even move out of my bed. I was taken out of work and was told to stay at home and relax for the most part. I wasn’t on bedrest persay but I was still terrified of doing anything to mess things up.

Ok, fast forward to now. Every since the placement of the cerclage my cervix has been being very good! The funneling has resolved and my cervix actually gained length. I am now 31 weeks, and the baby is doing great!! He kicks me all the time and I love it. Some days I sit here and watch my belly move all around.. It’s so cool :) No one had even expected me to make this far. But here I am.. still doing great. No signs of labor or anything. I am so thrilled.

What’s funny is that once things started to look up and I started to get a lot less nervous.. I started looking at the changes in my body. My belly really started to pop right out at around 28 weeks. I am short (5’2) and I am all belly it seems. I have only gained about 15-16 lbs during this pregnancy but I still have a lot of stretch marks. They are running all across my belly and sides. I was depressed about them for a while, but when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he just looked me funny. He said “Babe, all this time you’ve been so worried over this baby and now you’re worrying about something as superficial as those stretch marks? I’d love you if you were covered in them. Don’t worry so much!”. He was right. How could I worry about such a thing? They are my mommy marks. Proof of what I’ve overcome to make it this far with my little one. Don’t get me wrong.. I still constantly use creams and lotions on my belly.. but I am not depressed about it. I can worry about my body later. For now, I just want to get this baby into the world safe and sound. I worked so hard at this.. I refuse to let such a silly thing get to me. I have included some pictures of myself. The first one is pre pregnancy, I was about 125 pounds there. The second is me at 21 weeks, the third is at 25 weeks, and the last is at 30 weeks. Thanks for listening!!

Your Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births:3 pregnancies, currently 31 weeks

Updated here.

Learning to Love It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age-21
Pregnancies and Births- 1
Months PP- 5 months postpartum

I have ALWAYS wanted to have kids. So when I married my husband, I knew someday they would follow. We figured 4 or 5 years, so I was on birth control. 4 months after we got married, I felt pregnant, took a HPT and all 5 of them read positive (like 1 wouldnt have told me). At first I was so excited, I wanted to have my baby bump right away, alas, I was about 25 weeks before you could tell I was pregnant. I had a great pregnancy, light morning sickness, one small stretch mark on my hip, and I made it a goal to exercise and eat right, gaining 20 lbs, starting at 130 lbs and 150 lbs the day I delivered. But I didnt enjoy my pregnancy like I should have. I was so concerned about gaining too much weight and not being able to lose it later. I went into labor on my due date, labor lasted 11 hours from start to finish with 3 hours of pushing, I had my baby girl vaginally with slight tearing of my labia. I never imagined I could love someone so much, I wouldnt trade her for anything even my prebaby body. But I am having such a hard time accepting my new body. My husband is so supportive, he says he likes this body better. I weigh in at 128 now and fit into prepreg cloths, but my tummy seems jiggly and my boobs stretched overnight when my milk came in so they are bigger and stretchies show on their sides. However I do LoVe breastfeeding! I am trying to get back into exercising and eating right but its so hard to find time with my 5 month old demanding my attention, and I’m always hungry from breastfeeding. I hope to loose some tummy fat and tone up all over before we try for our next in about 2 years (we’ll see if we make it that far on my new birth control) Recently I realized that, hey, my body is amazing! It accepted a pregnancy, carried it to term, delievering a healthy beautiful baby, and recovered while still nurishing that baby. I shouldnt be so hard on it after all. I hate what supermodels have done to us. They are not the norm, and why are their bodies what we ladies want to have? Anyway, this site has done wonders for helping to come to terms, and I want to maybe help another women struggling with her body too. Heres to us mamas! :)

First Pic- 35 weeks pregnant
Second pic- 1 week postpartum
Third pic- Side 5 months pp
Fourth pic- Stretch mark side 5 months pp
Fifth pic- Front View

Updated here.

Do I have Postpartum depression? (Autumn W)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Question, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 25 Comments

Age- 30
Number of Pregnancies – 2
Number of Births- 2
Daughters- 8 years and 2 months

I have always been told that if you have postpartum depression, you feel resentment towards your baby but I do not resent my baby in any way what-so-ever! I love and adore her but I hate myself!
After the birth of my first daughter I immediately lost weight and I didn’t have any of the thoughts or feelings I am experiencing this time. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror and I feel like no one understands. I wake up every morning and cry and I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the way I feel and he just tells me he loves me no matter how I look. I want so badly to be beautiful because I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he is ashamed of the way I look and no matter how often he says he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, I am convinced he is lying. I wonder how anyone could be in love with me now? I have always been very thin and considered attractive and now out of no where I feel like I am hideous. Recently my husband tried to introduce me to a few of his co-workers but I literally ran and hid because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I am completely convinced that he married me because of my physical appearance and now that it has faded he cant possibly love me anymore. I am also convinced he is going to cheat on me because he HAS to be disgusted by the way I look and I know I am not good enough for him. One of my best friends recently told me that I am ruining the experience of having a wonderful husband and beautiful family by focusing so much on my appearance and although a part of me knows she is right it doesn’t help me because she is gorgeous and doesn’t have any children so how would she know what I am experiencing. I literally hate myself now and It’s not really even about me, it’s all about my husband and how I am completely convinced I am no longer good enough for him… Is this postpartum depression???

I Don’t Think I Will Ever Come to Love this Body (Carrie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies and 3 births.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 1/2 year old daughter, 4 year old daughter, and 2 year old son.

So, where do I start? I found out I was pregnant at the very young age of 15. I was not dating her dad and he went active duty Army, so he got stationed in Colorado. Far from our hometown in Indiana. I felt like, great.. he’s getting off easy. He then found out he was deploying and we decided to try and make this work. This was in 2003. Our daughter was born on Christmas Day that year. I was then 16. He came home from deployment when our daughter was 4 months old, that is when he first saw her. We decided that I would move to Colorado with him, even though I was only 16. My mom protested, but it happened anyway. We married on my 17th birthday in 2004.

When I was 18, my husband deployed again. We found out we were pregnant again just 3 days after he left. He came home when I was 7 months pregnant. We had another baby girl in May of 2006. 2 weeks after her birth, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Then, a week later we had to move across the country to North Carolina. With a toddler, and a baby not even a month old, and just having surgery, the move was no fun at all.

Fast forward 2 more years later, and another move down to Georgia, we were finally pregnant with our son. This pregnancy, my stomach grew larger than before, but still I delivered at a weight of 157. That was my ending weight with all 3 of my pregnancies. Well, the 2 times before I stayed around the low 140’s after having my children, not this time! I EBF for the first 2 months, found out I wasn’t producing NEALY enough milk, so I had to switch to bottle feeding. My milk dried up IMMEDIATELY! It made me very sad, which I read is very common. Anyway, to the point.. After my son was around 9 months, I had gained 20 pounds! I was then 175 lbs! The heaviest I have ever been in my whole life, even being pregnant! I then found out I have a hypothyroid. Which explained my low metabolism, no energy, not being able to sleep, mood swings… and the list goes on. I thought, great! now I will finally be able to get something done with the medication! WRONG! The medication didn’t help me at all. My doctors don’t seem to care, either. So, here I am. My son is 2 years old. I now weigh 167 and that is AFTER taking Adipex for 7 months straight! How can that be? And I work out a good amount. I am trying the P90X to no avail. I can’t help but be depressed! I would be happy if I could just fit into my clothes right. Where I could get dressed and not stare in the mirror at how horrible I look. I am at a loss at what to do now. I have even had thoughts of trying to be bulimic or anorexic. Which lucky for me, have only been thoughts. I know I could not EVER do that!

So, with this. I hope that my story relates to at least 1 person. I wish I could say I am becoming closer to accepting my body, but I know that is a lie. I absolutely hate my body and know I will until I at least lose 25-30 lbs. I wish I could wake up 1 day and have my energy, motivation, or just plain out not be tired all the time! Oh, and yes.. I am still married to my wonderful husband. It has been over 6 years now, and I see many more years in the future.

PICTURES:
1ST AND 2ND – ME PRE PREGNANCY DAYS WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT
3RD – 4 DAYS BEFORE I DELIVERED MY SON
4TH, 5TH AND 6TH – ME TODAY

I Still Can’t Believe It (Lucia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

20 yrs old
1 pregnancy 1 birth
8 weeks pp

My story is short, I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend noticed before I did. I had a rather easy pregnancy, no nausea but lots of heartburn, I started swelling after week 31 and for some reason I had a pretty small belly and started showing at 6 months. In one of our first appointments the doctor said I wouldn’t show a lot because my abdominal muscles were really strong… I honestly don’t know how that happened since I haven’t worked out since junior high and even then it was 70 minutes every week, and I went to great lengths to avoid it.

I ate as healthy as I could, I drank as much water as my shrinking bladder would allow me, I put lotion on once a day, too lazy for more and against all advice I scratched my belly like a madman the last month. I went into labor naturally at 39 weeks and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was 7 pounds 10 ounces. It was traumatizing, I got an epidural and it only worked on the right side of my body, I could feel everything in the other side, at some point while I was pushing, right in the middle of a contraction
I heard scissors, I was deadly afraid of having an episiotomy and damn right! It hasn’t quite healed yet…

I look in the mirror now and I can’t believe I had a baby, my hips are a little wider and my boobs a little bigger but the rest is the same. I didn’t get any stretch marks and my skin popped right back when I was a week pp, I can’t believe my feet are not swollen and that I can actually see the lower side of my belly, I can’t believe I have my body back, so familiar from my crooked navel to the stretch marks I always had on my butt and my third nipple (which also got darker and bigger, lol)

I hold my baby and I still can’t believe has real, I can’t believe we are over all of the issues we had with nursing, I see how big hes getting and I cant believe its still all me, no bottles, no formula, just me. I was so afraid my boobs would sag, I had thought about nursing him for only a year, then I found out the recommended minimum is two years and I was ok with that and its been such an amazing experience that I think ill just let him wean on his own, even if my breasts end up hanging so low then can sit on my
knees! It will be absolutely worth it.

Pics are me the day i went into labor, me and my little man, me at 1 week pp, me at 8 weeks and my cute little bunny the day we first took him out for a stroll

Updated here.

First Time Mom at 31 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

I have NEVER found myself attractive. I always thought,, once i accept the fact that I’m an unattractive person,,I would feel much better about myself and not worry about it so much. For some reason though, I got a decent amount of attention from boys,, I was the funny girl, but was too shy to really ever commit to a relationship. Had my first real kiss at 19, and tried to make it to marriage before having sex. I was 26 and he ended up being the man I was dreaming about. We’ve now been married almost four years :) I have always been petite with a flat stomach and a big round booty. I even adopted the nickname J.Lo. My husband has been a big self-esteem booster, always calling me little pet names like sexybutt and beautiful. But I’ve still never felt that way about myself. No Biggie I thought. After two years of wonderful marriage, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. Me not getting any younger at the age of 29 and him only 25. I’ve always LOVED children. They are so fun and spontaneous and just themselves. I taught Sunday school and worked with teens in church and have always been a kid at heart. Thought I would love being a mom and be a great one at that.After six months of trying, i was getting very discouraged, no one blood related to me ever had a problem getting pregnant, and it seemed every time i would start my cycle, some young girl with no boyfriend, or friend who wasnt even trying would announce their pregnancy. I tried to remain positive , but it was very hard,, finally after a year of trying, i found out I was pregnant!! We and our families were so happy. Everything was going smoothly, no morning sickness, a healthy amount of weight gain. Then with my glucose screening, found out I had gestational diabetes. I was heartbroken and felt like a failure. My husband and family were very supportive and things started going smoothly again. I wanted to have as natural a birth as possible. I wasnt happy when i found out that they wouldnt let me go past my due date,, and that inductions can sometimes lead to C sections. I took very good care of myself,, watching my diet and exercising. I gained a total of 26 pounds.. starting at 102 lbs at five feet tall. My water broke six days before my due date! I was soooo happy! 10 hours of labor later,, and still only dialated 3, i was NOT. I had a 101 temperature and was getting pumped full of antibiotics and was now put on a Pitocin drip. After two hours of that and only dialated to four,, I decided to get the epidural. I wanted to be strong for pushing. Which would never happen. My fever went up to 102 and my cervix was beginning to swell. After 18 hours of labor and a dialation of 7, they decided on a C section. I wanted to cry, but I also wanted my baby to be safe and healthy. My operation was done in under a half an hour and I got to meet my Beautiful baby girl weighing 6.5 lbs!!! She was finally here.

Recovery was hard,, but with a wonderful husband, supportive friends and family and God,, I made it through PPD without any medication. I now am working through a big battle with my self esteem. This site has already helped me soooo much! I still have about five pounds to lose. The scar doesnt really bother me,, but my softer boobs,, extra cellulite and pouchy belly do. I have posted pics of full term pregnancy,,, one of 4 weeks pp holding my girl and now 3 months pp. You are all awesome! Thanks for sharing your stories and being an encouragement to all these mothers! God Bless!

Updated here.

Almost Satisfied (Shahida)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

I first got pregnant at 18 and I weighed about 135 lbs. I guess I gained around 30lbs but was lucky enough to lose the weight pretty fast. When I was 21 I got pregnant with my son I was about 155-160 because of the Mirena IUD =(. I gained about 38-43lb and was 198 when I gave birth at a day short of 40 weeks. I’m in the military so I had to lose the weight quickly but was discouraged because I didn’t like what I looked like. now that it’s 8 months later I’m almost satisfied. I weigh between 150-153, just trying to get to 145.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2/2 cesareans
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 31/2 & 8 months

Pic #1 is before I became a mom
Pic #2 is 7 1&2 months preggo with my daughter
Pic #3 is 18 months after baby 1
Pic #4 is day before we found out I was preggo with my son
Pic #5 is during pregnancy
Pic #6 is now

A Crushing Journey (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 12 Comments

Age: 26
2 Pregnancies 1 Birth
Baby Girl lived to be 2 ½ days old
I am currently 5 months PP

I come on this website often. Just to look at all you wonderful ladies and listen of the journeys that you have had. My journey has been a hard one of recent. Losing a child would never be an easy one. Lily was born after an almost perfect pregnancy. By almost I mean at the very end (41 weeks) my placenta separated from my uterine was and my precious Angel was deprived of oxygen due to her severe loss of blood. It was only a matter of time before the damage that had been done finally took her life. And I can honestly say that the single most amazing moment of my life was when I finally got to hold her and she looked up and me and my husband to say goodbye – the moment before her little heart stopped beating.

To work through many emotions I must admit I was pretty hard on my body. And by the 3rd month PP I had lost all of my pre pregnancy weight – despite the fact that I needed to take it easy due to my c-section. By 4.5 months PP I was 10 lbs below my original weight and then I stopped. It was although my mind finally clicked. No matter how hard I was on my body – she was not going to come back to me.

This month we have started trying to conceive again. Although I wanted to try again before now. Emotionally and physically I truly don’t believe I was ready before now.

I worry that new stretch marks will take the place of the old ones that remind me of Lily and that scares me.

And more than anything I worry that something like this will happen again.

Thank-you so much for listening.

Pictures: 1st me at 38 weeks pregnant 2nd me at 3 months PP

One Year After a Cesarean–Update (Colleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 16 Comments

Previous posts here and here.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births:one pregnancy, one birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 year post-partum

When I did my first post at 3 weeks postpartum, I figured I’d wait to do another when my daughter was a year old and I had made some progress. Her birthday’s was two weeks ago and very little progress has been made (at least physically—daily life got in the way!), but here it goes anyway.

I fluctuated between 138 and 142ish before I got pregnant, and was 176 pounds the morning I delivered. By 3 weeks postpartum, I was down to 155—and still am. While I don’t mind that much, it’s frustrating because I’ve actually GAINED some weight back in the last month or so. I had been at 150 for a while. I think that as my little one eats more food and nurses less, I’m just not burning as many calories, and haven’t adjusted my food intake accordingly.

I have wanted to work out. I want to be in shape and have energy and not get tired doing the simplest tasks. The universe (and money) seem to be against me in this. We do not have the money to join a gym. It seems simple enough to take walks outside with the baby in a stroller, but first we had an abnormally snowy winter, and now we’re having an abnormally hot summer (we broke 5 heat records in the month of June alone). The nearest mall is 25 minutes away. Jogging is out of the question because I can’t afford a specialty-sized sports bra (which I need). Finally I discovered that if I squeeze myself into two of my old sports bras they’re supportive enough, and I bought a pilates DVD. I have yet to try it, but I’m excited to finally be doing SOMETHING.

What I haven’t done physically I have made up in thinking in the past year…about body image, about childbirth and what makes a birth “perfect” or not. Seventeen of my friends have had babies since my daughter was born. Many of them are less-than-satisfied with their mommy bodies. I find myself repeating the “9 months on, 9 months off” mantra at least once a week. It really makes me wonder why we seem to think that our bodies HAVE to look the same after having a baby. Why is the stick-thin non-curvy teenage figure so desirable? Why do so many women reject the changes that their babies have wrought on them? When, exactly, did the ability to wear a bikini become the measure by which we judge our attractiveness? And why are only “perfect” women allowed to wear bikinis? So few people have that body, so why do we look askance at the REAL women who dare to bare it all (er…most of it)?

Somewhere along the line I developed an amazing sense of self confidence. I am happy with my body, extra belly fat and jiggly butt included, about 98% of the time. I find myself looking in the mirror sometimes and admiring my figure. My husband helps; he still finds me irresistible. There are moments, though, when I am disgusted by the fat that didn’t used to be there. I tend to get down a lot when I’m around my sisters. They both have a completely different body type than I (long legs and very slender vs. long torso and curvy), and are obsessed with fitness and eating well. I compare my size 10 H-cup self to a 2 and a 4 A/B-cup and end up feeling like a big tub of lard. I realize I’m not big but it’s easy to feel that way around them. I’m hoping the pilates will help.

What I find myself wondering, though, is if my self-confidence is truly a belief that I am beautiful, or is born of the fact that my body bounced back really well? If I was carrying an extra 40 pounds and covered in stretch marks, would I feel this well? I don’t know. I will have to wait and see what happens in subsequent pregnancies to find out. I hope that I can continue to feel good about myself no matter what happens.

When my daughter was 6 months old, a friend of mine had an emergency cesarean at 27 weeks, and her son died 2 ½ hours later. It rocked me to the core. It made me realize how lucky I am to have a happy, healthy baby, despite complications and despite her method of arrival. It made me appreciate how very lucky I am to HAVE the option of a VBAC, because my friend had a vertical internal incision and will now never be allowed to go into labor. She gave me the idea of becoming a birth doula to help other women to achieve their desired births. I’m still considering it (it’s probably not feasible with my current circumstances), but I really like the idea.

Not a day goes by that I am not utterly amazed at this tiny little person that my body grew and nourished (IS nourishing). She was exclusively breastfed until 6 months and never got formula. We just put her on whole milk a week ago, and I’m in the process of weaning her. She is happy and healthy and full of life. Often times my husband and I find ourselves sitting with her between us just talking about how much we love her. I am looking for a full-time job and it breaks my heart to think of leaving my sweet baby with a stranger all day long. She is worth the stretch marks on my butt and the saggy mess that my breasts are going to be in a month or two. She’s worth the two extra pants sizes and the difficulty with finding shirts that fit. She’s even worth the cesarean scar. I cannot wait to do it all again (except hopefully without the cesarean the next time).

Pictures:
1. The night before my cesarean (what you can’t see is that my shirt was laying on the ground next to me because I had an IV in my other arm, and couldn’t get the shirt off over the IV pole!)
2-5. One year and two weeks post-partum.
6. The joy of my life.

Updated here.