Moving On (Anonymous)

Previous post here.

1 Vaginal Birth
1 Pregnancy
20 months PP
Age 22

After my first post, I wasn’t going to post again until after having a second child, to see where I was and how I felt about my body after having 2 children. But I feel like I need to share what has happened with me since posting at 5 months PP. My husband deployed when our daughter was 9 months old, and it was shortly after that, that I found out he was viewing/watching porn. Its impossible to explain the feelings of grief, of disbelief, of betrayal and of unbelievable hurt. I didnt believe it at first, thought it was a joke or I was seeing things wrong. The image of the naked blonde woman I found is forever burned in my head. I confronted him, and of course, this was all done via email as I had no other way to speak with him. He admitted that he had been struggling with it for years, and would look at it off and on. This was the man who was so romantic and loving while we dated, and promised to love me and cherish me at our wedding, how could he DO this to me! I wont deny that my first thought was I was done with him, I wanted to take my daughter and leave him. After weeks of being angry and hurt, I realized that I still loved him and really wanted to make our marriage work. I told him he needed to stop and stop and stop now, get help, find an accountability partner, install anti-porn software, anything to stop. Five months later he returned home from deployment and I was sure I would never be able to be intimate with him again. Our first night together he told me he was sorry, told me he had never cheated on me, other then with the porn viewing, and that he still loved me. We have been able to be intimate again, although sometimes I confess it is difficult for me. We went through some counseling and I installed a porn blocker on the computer, that only I know the password to. Some days I feel fine, like it was all a dream, like I have forgiven him and some days I am suspicious and still angry and hurt. I couldnt decide if it was better to know all the details or not, I didn’t know to what extent he was doing it and what he had seen. I would occasionally check his email, check his computer history and files, and I don’t feel guilty about that, he lost his right to privacy and to be trusted when he broke my heart. A few nights ago I came upon his google history, going back I could see that since I had confronted him he hadn’t googled anything porn related, but beyond that date, I found so many pictures and images and porn related searches. It made me want to vomit. I felt that he didnt truly understand the hurt I felt, that his looking at other women and lusting for them, was as good as cheating to me. I confronted him once again, which resulted in tears and a few more confessions. At this point I am still looking to make our marriage work, I’d like to have more children and am working on trusting and forgiving again. My body image is terrible. I have been breastfeeding now for 20 months and feel like my breast are small and deflated, my stomach isnt flat like I’d want it to be, my butt shrunk after pregnancy and is no longer round and perky, my legs are gross. I want to get over it, to love my body for giving me my daughter and being healthy but I know it isn’t like the airbrushed perfect women my husband has seen. I just want to get past this.

Updated here.

18 thoughts on “Moving On (Anonymous)

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I will start out by saying…wow, your body looks beautiful! I am 25, have had 2 children, and wish my tummy was that smooth! I have stretchmarks everywhere…but they are nice reminders of my baby boy. Anyway, I literally see nothing wrong with your body…it does not look like a body that has given birth…but it is nice that you got that 1 special mark from your baby girl :)

    It seems like more and more women have been posting on this site that their husbands have been looking at porn…this makes me so sad. It makes me even more sad that some women feel there is nothing wrong with it. Our husbands should not want to lust over other women. You are truly beautiful, and there is no way your husband does not see this! I hope that he can see how much he has hurt you, and I hope he never does it again.

    Good luck mama…you are beautiful.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 10:05 am

    I am one of those women who think looking is ok. Men are not made to be monogamous. Porn allows them to look without touching. If you are satisfied with your sex life and the attention he gives you, than I would say it should not be a dealbreaker in marriage. Divorce is devastating, to Evryone involved. It breaks my heart to think women would divorce over this.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

    you probably look look just as good as the naked blonde bimbo porn whore, dont forget they are photoshopped to the max, fake breasted and just fake in general, at least you are real..he wont get to touch the porn princess and he might not get to touch you if he dont smarten up…anyone can look like those idiots, but not everyone can be a clean queen with morals and dignity.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 10:56 am

    i’m so glad you told him how you feel!! so many times on here women just say “all men do it so it’s no big deal.” bull.crap. if it hurts your feelings, it’s a big deal. if it makes you feel bad about your own body, it’s big deal. good luck to you both, i truly hope you can both heal and be whole again. porn is never not a big deal.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

    If your husband is a Christian he needs to be reminded that even lusting after another woman in his heart is the same as adultery. He needs to see this site so he can understand that these perfectly airbrushed images he has been lusting after are nothing more than fools gold. Reality which is the real gold is what is in front of him. If you don’t go to church start going, if the church you attend won’t support you in your trouble go to another that will. It pains me to see the condition of our society and the degradation of the family from porn and the like. The figure of a mother is a beautiful thing to behold. The figure I see in the images is a beautiful figure and any man married to you is crazy to seek after garbage of the mind when he has beauty in his grasp. Level with him and tell him what his actions have done and how they make you feel. If he continues in his behavior, let him go.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Hi, I’ve posted on this website before and most of my story was about how my husband made me feel unattractive and unwanted. All of that came from the fact that throughout our 4 year relationship and 6 month marriage he has been viewing porn and looking at other women. The way you described your feelings in this story hit the nail on the head as to the way my husband doing that made me feel. We are slowly getting better and I am slowly trusting him again but things just aren’t the same in a marriage whenever you feel like you can’t let your guard down with your husband. I used to check my husband’s phone practically everyday but I no longer do that because I need to keep my sanity and learn that I can trust him fully eventually. Those feelings still get brought back up inside of me because I found that he was looking ‘pretty’ girls up on facebook. He too admitted he has had a problem with this sort of thing.The best thing you can do is work on the relationship and get to the bottom of why he did it (i can tell you that it has nothing to do with you) and tell yourself one thing that you love a out yourself inside and out everyday. it may sound cheesy but it has honestly helped me. and as far as your body goes…you look great! A woman should have curves and look real, not airbrushed and fake. and as far as i can tell you only have one stretchmark, amazing! i have them everywhere. If you can’t get past this then staying together could turn out to be worse than being apart.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    you look great, seriousley – you have nothing to worry about in that department.
    it really sounds like you need more cousilling, you are clearly not over the porn thing and bottling up such strong emotions isn’t good. i know its harsh, but its in the past and if you cant forget about it then you really have to ask ypurself if you want to stay in your marraige.

    my 2cents, its porn…. thats all, just some visual stimulation, theres no other meaning atttached to it, nothing to considir a divorce over :(

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    I don’t think this website is meant to be a venue to debate the morality/ethics of porn viewing (though perhaps it is within the scope). Rather, I see us as a community that strives to bolster the pride and confidence of all women with their bodies, no matter what shape, size, ability etc. I guess that I just want to suggest that because a man looks at porn, it does not mean that he feels that his wife or partner is unsatisfying, ugly, undesirable etc. It also does not necessarily mean that he doesn’t love her or respect her body. It certainly MIGHT mean that. After all, I’m sure that there are men who unfavorably compare their women with those on the porno sites. I’m sure that there are also men who become fixated on pornography and can no longer enjoy normal intimacies with their partners. However, pornography usage also might just be an indication that he is a normal human being with a normal desire for a variety of sexual experiences. I know of men (and women) who view porn but would never cheat, are happily married/committed, enjoy a satisfying sex life, and are deeply in love with their partners. Porn viewing and a happy fulfilling relationship can actually be synonymous. To wrap it all up, in the interest of
    promoting the objective of this site as I understand it (to help women feel powerful and confident with their bodies) i just want to reiterate that porn usage of a partner doesn’t NECESSARILY mean that the partner isn’t into you, hot and bothered by you, etc. It certainly doesn’t always mean that he/she doesn’t love you or respect your body. I know that not everyone will agree with that sentiment but, given my view of porn, I feel that it would be harmful to many’s women’s sense of confidence to continue to leave unquestioned the notion that a partner’s porn viewing means that he doesn’t love her/respect her/lust after her.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Thanks you guys! Dave- Yes we do go to church. We recieved our counseling from our pastor actually. And Stephanie- I cannot believe you would even write that! Its NOT normal for a man to do, everyone is right, its lusting for another woman, when I am his wife and he should be satisfied with me. You obviously have no idea the hurt and pain it causes. If we werent meant to be monogamous, then these things wouldnt be a big deal.

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    I don`t understand why you are so angry about the porn issue. I usually watch porn and it doesn`t means that i don`t think my husband is atractive or that i have fantasies with the porn actors. Your husband probably only watch xxx because its fun or he likes it but it doesn`t means that he is cheating on you or that he doesn`t find you atractive anymore.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 1:51 am

    One of the reasons I feel that so many women are so freaked out by men watching porn is our society’s deep seated fear of sexuality. I also feel that we don’t want to admit that there are physiological differences between men and women and that it is normal for men to seek out visual stimulation of women other than their spouses. It is normal, not cheating (no matter what anyone tells you) and certainly no reason for divorce. I fully understand why it would be upsetting to discover your husband has been watching porn, but please, research the reasons why men do this. It might actually be a relief to discover just how common it is and has nothing to do with you. I found this short article about it. I’m sure there are other, more in depth articles to be found. And by the way…you do look amazing and honestly, it sounds like your husband loves you and is willing to go to great lengths to make you feel loved. Maybe start a dialogue and try to understand how his brain works rather than an accusation. It’s always comes down to communication.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 3:24 am

    *sigh* I consider myself to be a woman of reasonable fairness; but I bloody hate porno sites!! The more logical side of me will try to argue that it’s normal for men and that I am the woman who has had his baby and who he shares a bed with, etc etc, but the more irrational side provails sometimes. If I’m having a bad body day and I get hung up about my boobs or stretch marks (they don’t bother me normally, but everyone has “off” days) and I see the google history and there is porn on it, I feel crushed. I hate it. I agree with the post – your partner should be satisfied with you and only you, but it’s obviously in the male “make-up” to look at these foul creatures. It doesn’t mean they lust after you any less, but it certainly taints the way you feel about your man. I defy anyone NOT to agree with that sentiment. As I say, I am a balanced and objective person and can see things from all angles – or I try to, so although I can agree that when men view this crap, it IS only “look but no touching”, it doesn’t half make me feel crappy and not good enough. I love my partner with all my heart, and I know he adores me. I know he views porn, he doesn’t hide it and sometimes will invite me to look at it (always refused) but I trust him with all my heart. It makes me feel shitty, but it doesn’t make me trust him any less.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 8:03 am

    First, you look great. Second, I don`t see the problem in looking at porn, when it`s legal, voluntary and between equals. The fact that your husband likes to look at porn, is not synonymous to a lack of love for you and your body. I think it`s healthy and normal both to mastrubate and fantasize, also when in relationship. For noth men and women.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel like crap. I’ve been there and done that, and now I am married to someone who respects me, and is open and truthful. I trust him, and that is a priceless feeling.

    Whether or not the other posters think porn is a big deal is really irrelevant. It’s obviously making you feel like crap, and you shouldn’t try to “get over it”. There is someone out there that will love you and respect you fully, and who will take your feelings into consideration. Good luck.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    I just wanted to say I know your pain. I married a porn addict. The differenct being I knew he was a porn addict when I married him. At that time he had been ‘clean’ for over a year and a half. 2 months after our wedding I found out he was looking at porn again. It felt horrible. What had I got myself into? Why wasn’t I enough for him? Why would he hurt me like this? 2 years later it’s still a battle we struggle with, but I still love him for the man he is when he’s not looking at porn. I have learned to perceive it like any other addiction… and I have learned the warning signs.

    And I am always on the lookout for his new medium. At first it was the internet, obviously, so I started watching the history. Then I learned there is a safe search option that doesn’t track the history. We were broke so I installed a free monitoring software, but it didn’t filter. We are frequent Craigslist shoppers so I didn’t think anything of that on the tracker… turns out he was looking at casual encounter ads. I saved the money to buy a filtering software. At that time I also put a adult lock on out PS3 and Wii which both have internet access. Then he used his smartphone. He would clear the phones history, but he forgot about the recent searches drop down that google does. He downloaded a porn ap that I found and deleted. Most recently, (last week) I found he had been searching youtube on his phone. I put a lock on his phone now so I can restrict his internet and media and he can’t download new apps. Who knows what’s next… magazines? Movie stores? Guess we’ll see.

    I hope that one day it will get easier. Sometimes he goes months without it… and that feels great, until it’s been too long. Then I have to start snooping. And if I ask him, he WILL lie to my face.

    I guess my point is, you are not alone. And it’s hard. And it hurts. But it doesn’t have to destroy your marriage. Our biggest falt is I don’t make him go to SAA enough, and we haven’t stuck with our couples therapy. But I see the remorse when I catch him. He is afraid every time will be the time I leave. He says he doesn’t even physically enjoy it… he just can’t help it. Like a drug addict. They don’t enjoy the high anymore, but the NEED the next fix.

    It’s hard to live with… but I do the best I can. It is exhausting. I don’t know if I can deal with it the rest of my life… but I just try to handle it one day at a time.

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I dont think it matters wheter we think porn is ok or not…we should not be lecturing her wheter is natural or not. We need to validate her feelings…you feel bad about it and yes you have the right to feel bad! for you, personally, the fact that your husband watched porned devastated you. Just because for others is ok it doesnt have to be ok for you. and if he loves you and wants to show you respect he will not wacth porno again. If it is not such a big deal…then it should not be too hard for him to stop. but please, find some counceling, for both of you so you can talk this out. You are still hurting and grieving the relationship you thought you had. God bless you and you look great!

  • Saturday, December 10, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Hi, everyone, just a quick note to say I’m closing comments now as this post is trending towards a debate rather than support. I like that there are many different views and experiences about porn shared here because there is no black and white issue about the subject, but this isn’t the place for a debate and I’m ending it now.

    Peace. :)

Comments are closed.