Trapped in a Vicious Cycle (Rachel)

Growing up I was always a skinny kid. I could eat the fattiest, greasy or sugar laden food in excessive quantities and not gain a pound. When puberty hit, I was blessed even more with the genes from my father’s side of the family, and grew big full breasts. Of course with puberty, comes a bit of weight gain and at 5’4″ and 105lbs at 14 years old, I looked healthy. Or so I thought. Some of the other girls called me fat and chubby, I’m guessing because they didn’t develop as much as I did. But that didn’t stop me from becoming self conscious and eventually developing an eating disorder.

Years later, I finished growing, left high school and met who is now my ex fiance. I was 5’7″ and 105lbs once again. The relationship I managed to get myself into was emotionally abusive. He’d call me a whale, should keep my clothes on, he could do so much better.. But since I was so used to the insults growing up, I didn’t think it was anything unusual. I yo yo’d between 105 and 95lbs. When I discovered I was pregnant 4 years into the relationship, I was 5ft7 and 104lbs.

I gained 54lbs during the pregnancy. I hated myself. I figured if I was fat at 105lbs then I must be morbidly obese at 159lbs. I delivered a 7lb 9oz girl in October 2006. My body hasn’t been the same.

I have stretch marks all over my bum, breasts, thighs and calves. My stomach is flabby and I can’t lose the last 10lbs no matter what I do. My once firm perky breasts are now deflated and sad looking. I have cellulite that just won’t leave.

I’m now married to a very loving man who thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. He has been trying for the last 3 years to build up my confidence, and it’s so strange to me to have someone that compliments me everyday. I can tell it bothers him when I disagree with his compliments, or he tries to touch my belly or bum and I push him away and get upset.

I thought after 5 years I would have at least accepted myself. Instead, I’m trapped in a vicious cycle of self loathing and depression. Maybe one day confidence will come back to me.

I have attached pictures of my belly and breasts at 5 years post partum.

17 thoughts on “Trapped in a Vicious Cycle (Rachel)

  • Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Rachel, I’m so sad that you are feeling so bad about how you look, because I think you look gorgeous! I know it’s hard because if you’re like me when you see yourself naked in the mirror, your eyes immediately turn to the parts that are less than perfect and then that’s all you can see. Try to see your body as a whole, don’t just look at the parts you don’t like. Like you have beautiful skin and arms, or even though your breasts aren’t the same as what they used to be they are still beautiful. Just keep taking care of yourself, exercise and eat right for your health. Be kind to yourself!!!

  • Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 10:41 am

    you look like THAT after having kids???? damn girly, i would trade with you! at least you have a flat stomach i wish i did i have a huge gut it dont want to leave me,lol…you look amazing!

  • Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

    makes me sad to read your feelings about yourself. i think your beautfiul, ide kill to have your body..

    blessed and tortured < THERES some stretchies for ya

  • Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    You have an absolutely beautiful body. I’m sorry that so many people helped build the complex that you do. I understand feelings of hatred towards one body. I don’t really think it matters if we are at our “skinniest” or “healthiest” we as women will still find something to pick at stuff we wish we could improve. Try and find the confidence and beauty that you have, and that all of us, and your husband obviously sees. I’m with Amber on this one, I’ve got some really awesome stretchies :Pouchy Tummy and Tons of Stretchmarks. I’m 14 months PP now, and have lost some more weight, but still not even close to where I want to be. :) Good luck girly, you are beautiful!

  • Wednesday, December 7, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    I feel exactly the same way!!

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I think your eating disorder is obviously not allowing you to see yourself as you truly are. Your body looks flawless to me and as if it didn’t even bare a child. I’ve never had an eating disorder myself and I know I’m thin and I weigh a lot more than you and I’m shorter so it’s hard for to understand what you must going through but I would suggest seeking help. Believe your husband when he tells your you’re attractive in beautiful because you are!

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    The reason why your ex said those things is becuase he is insecure himself and becuase he probsably gets off on beating down on somebody who looks better then he. Your breast are perfect looking. Us women feel this way about our breast/body becuase of society. Please belive the man who does love and adore your body now. No man who loves their womens body do not like to hear you look down on yourself. Beleive me he would not say it if he didnt mean it! I hope you overcome your insurcities. Enjoy the life you made!! I hope you feel better

  • Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    I would love to have a body in such fine a shape!!

  • Friday, December 9, 2011 at 7:27 am


    I am glad to hear that you are in a supportive relationship. Your husband sounds like a sincere guy. May I suggest listen to what he is saying, not hear him. Like the ladies above, you do have a beautiful body. Comments made in the past were from immature and ignorant people. You indicate that the past influenced your feelings. Use the present then to shape the future. Embrace your body and let your husband do the same. By building a healthy self image for yourself you are also allowing your daughter to build one for her.
    Lastly, I am sure your husband feels he is the luckiest guy on the planet. And rightly so. He is married to YOU!!!

  • Saturday, December 10, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    I kind of feel bad for you hubby.. He prob. really likes your tummy n stuff. But you push him away. Plus just to tell you, you look great!!! I would to so happy to be with a girl that looks like you.

  • Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 1:14 am

    Must say I thought these pics were Pre baby!!!!!!! You look amazing. I am 36 weeks pregnant and am so scared of how my body will look after

  • Saturday, January 28, 2012 at 2:10 am

    Coming from a psychotherapist, and I say this from a place of support not malice, but you have a clinical problem. You should seek help to pursue release from the pain your body image obsession and distortion has caused you. There is another way.

  • Tuesday, February 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    I wish I had your skin and I was that thin :( you should apreciate you did’t end up with thick ugly stretchmarks like me. I’m so jelous lol

  • Saturday, April 21, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Lucky, lucky man – you look fantastic! 100% yummy mummy, please take a long hard stare in the mirror, I challenge you not to agree with me! :0). ANY man on this planet would, if ever on offer, find it hard to resist x

  • Monday, April 23, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    That ex-fiance of yours said that stuff to you so that your self-confidence would be so beaten down that you wouldn’t leave him. The girls at school picked on you because you were different, because they were insecure & so they beat you down with hurtful words to make themselves feel better about being them. As hard as it is, you must realize that what these people said is NOT the truth. What your husband tells you IS the truth. Try not to argue with his compliments, because those compliments are HIS feelings & disagreeing with them is like telling him his feelings are wrong. Don’t punish him for the hurtful words of others. When he wants to touch you, don’t push him away. Let him show his love for you & for your body. It might even help you in your journey to learn to love yourself.

  • Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 3:39 am

    Honey, you look amazing. I have been looking for photos to see how my body will look postpartum. No kidding, yours is a young girls body, I bookmarked your post to come back here to see this is possible if I happen to feel down after giving birth.

  • Sunday, December 2, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I really felt your story because I recognized myself in it. I’ve had trouble with me self-esteem all my life though I know I’m not fat or anything. I just don’t look the way I would want to. Depressed and unwilling to believe that anyone (even my husband) could really want me because I look nowhere near like the celebrities etc. I really hope you would seek someone professional to talk to, such a waste to not love a body like that. I am absolutely positive that your husband loves every inch of you and your body, your body is perfection! Gorgeous boobs :) All the best to you!

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