Eating Disorder

A Hard Road, but Worth Every Second (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

I have struggled with an eating disorder in various forms since I was 15, and cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel fat. During a period of relative sanity I had my son, at 19 (maybe that’s not very sane, in retrospect). The pregnancy was great and he is a wonderful nearly-8-year-old, but after… I was huge. And by huge I mean a size 8… Yeesh. I was actually a bit chubby- I’m a tiny person by nature, I’m a size 2 and have been eating normally for almost 3 years- but at 5’2 I’m healthy. Anyway, after I had my son I had about a 5 year blur or starving, binging, and purging- which was something I had never done before. I lost a job because of it (apparently eating disorders are terribly obvious to medical personnel; nursing work might have been a dumb idea…), and at one point I almost lost my husband, who I have been with since I was 15. One morning in early 2007, I physically could not get out of bed. I had purged ANYTHING I ate for an entire week prior- no nutrition at all for 7 days. I decided I HAD to stop, because being an invalid was not what I had set out to do… 2 months or so later, I got my period back… and the next month I became pregnant with my daughter. I was thrilled and terrified. I HAD to eat normally, I couldn’t live with myself if harmed my baby! And so I did. I had terrible morning sickness, and couldn’t wait for 12 weeks to come around. But twelve weeks got here and it only got worse. I’m not sure I went one day without vomiting. In some strange Irony, the one time I was TRYING to keep everything down, I couldn’t! At that time, I had a part time, weekend job at a music store where, aside from the owner, I was the only employee. At 15 weeks, I was going about my duties when I got sick. Nothing too unusual. So I tried to drink some water to settle my poor tummy.. and couldn’t stop throwing up. I had to call the store owner, close the store, and wait for my best friend to come pick me up- no way I could drive, my husband was on a job about 2 hours away. I get to the hospital, where I am just vomiting spit. They wouldn’t listen to anything I said. ‘Are you bleeding’ noooo… ‘we think you have a tubal pregnancy’ but Im 15 weeks- something would have ruptured long ago if that were true. ‘I’m pretty sure you aren’t 15 weeks’ JUST DO A FREAKIN’ ULTRASOUND ALREADY!!! all the while I’m STILL puking! finally, they do the ultrasound, and what do ya’ know, I’m right. No tubal pregnancy- just a perfectly healthy, squirmy 15 week old fetus. They gave me some IV fluids and anti-emetics, and sent me on my way, assuring me I was having a ‘rough pregnancy’ and this probably wouldn’t happen again. I was still puking nearly daily, but I was ok, save for my hubby’s birthday when we found out her sex, went out for a celebratory dinner where I destroyed the bathroom… It was tolerable for a few more weeks when I had a repeat of the ER incident, at least this time they gave me prescriptions for anti-emetics and painkillers. About 3 weeks before she was born, it happened again, only my Promethazine had stopped working and they had to give me some sort of cocktail of drugs normally given to people with cancer. I apparently had NO immune system left after all this and developed the worst bronchitis ever. Between the puking and coughing there were times I thought I might die and almost didn’t care. I have never felt that awful before or since. While I was waiting on my prescription to be filled, I went into labor. AT THE STORE! The Dr. knew my last labor was 4 hours, so I was scheduled to be induced… the next day! I didn’t have a phone with me, so I drove home. We drove like crazy and 15 minutes after we got to the hospital I was holding the sweetest baby girl! Suffice it to say, I have had no desire to vomit since then, and I have been eating normally ever since. She just turned 2 and is giving me kisses as I write this. I have never been happier!!!

Pictures:
both my sweet babies
the finished product!
me at 7 months- I never made it into maternity pants
me today- still small, but not skeletal!

Daily Struggle (Katie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, PCOS, Postpartum, Submissions 23 Comments

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your child: 4 yrs

I have wanted to contribute here for a while but didn’t know if I could contain all my thoughts on my body image/pregnancy to a few paragraphs. Always needing to do things either perfectly or not at all I have avoided it, but I need to get these thoughts out for myself as well as others who can relate.

I have always had a poor relationship with my body and appearance. I was overweight as a child through the age of 13 when I lost around 50 lbs on my own. At thirteen seeing the difference between how you are treated at 170 lbs and 120 lbs is a difficult thing to handle. Although I lost weight I was still unhappy with my body because I had stretch marks and a little lower belly pooch. I never developed much in the way of boobs. I did not wear bikinis EVER.

Fast forward to college years and a history of eating disordered behavior and bad choices with guys. The beginning of my junior year I finally met a “nice” guy who respected me. We were together for about 8 months when I found out I was 5 months pregnant (I have PCOS and was told I would probably need help getting pregnant, not so!) I am so so so blessed that this happened with the most amazing guy and love of my life. We are still together, engaged and soon to be married!

My pregnancy was easy, although I did gain 50 lbs going from 120 to 170. I did not get to many new stretch marks except for on my boobs. Most of the “flaws” garnered from pregnancy were ones I had pre-pregnancy (stretch marks, tummy pooch, loose skin) My son Nolan was born on October 9, 2005. My labor and delivery only took about an hour and I know I am very lucky with that!

Now to get to my current state of self acceptance or self hatred rather: I am currently 4 years postpartum. I lost the weight within a few months and have stayed between 115-125 @ 5’4″ for the past 4 years. I know many people would consider me lucky and some may think I am crazy for not being happy with myself. With that said, I am at constant unrelenting odds with myself to accept and be happy with my appearance.

There are times that I am happy with how I look but it never lasts, I will see a bad picture or obsess over my small boobs and extra skin. I did workout a lot over this past year and will admit I probably look the best I ever have but the problem is that it is never good enough there is ALWAYS ALWAYS something that needs to be fixed. I did finally gain the courage this year to wear a bikini though.

Some people may look at my pictures and feel bad or possibly some jealousy (I only say this because I have had these feelings) My point is that I do not intend that AT ALL and if you knew the constant struggle and inner turmoil I have everyday you would not have an ounce of jealousy. I am extremely jealous of all the women who have found self acceptance and I would take extra stretch marks and softness if I could be at peace with myself.

I think all the women on this site are beautiful and fine the way they are but somehow I cannot convince myself of the same thing. My main point of this all is to say that it does not matter what you look like only that you are happy with yourself. In this society all women are made to feel like they are not good enough and nobody wins in this situation. Everyday I have this constant struggle with myself when I should be worrying about MUCH more important things. Appearance is trivial and yet somehow I cannot get past it.

The pictures I included are ones I took recently in an attempt to find confidence in myself. I am one to always avoid cameras and I do not have many pictures of myself. I know these pics are taken in a flattering light, that is my baby steps lol. Also included some pics of my beautiful boys who give me strength each day. I don’t know if I conveyed all the things I wanted to in this post but I made an attempt and that is a step in the right direction for me!

New Shape, New Life… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 live birth
Age of Child/postpartum: 25 months

I had only been graduated from high school for 6 months when I became pregnant with my son at age 18. I was a dancer for 13 years and never was a “stick” per say. I started high school in a size 4 an graduated in a size 12. I had body image issues which led into bulimia and anorexia. I was relieved when my baby bump started growing because I finally had an excuse to be “fat”. I only gained 9 lbs with my pregnancy. I lost a lot in the begining and I ate healthy throughout. When my son was born there was a smaller number immediately on the scale. I have had stretch marks ever since I remember because of such dramatic fluctuations in my weight and I was not surprised to see those little red marks appearing as the months passed. So in addition to a child, I have a belly flap/pooch, stretch marks on my thighs, hips, sides, stomach, arms, boobs, sides of knees, and a weird looking belly button. Over all, I like my body. I currently have 27 lbs to lose and a lot of toning to work on. My goal is to be bikini ready by next summer. I like my stretch marks. I call them “mommy marks”. No, I don’t have a flawless stomach with perfect abs, but I have a stomach of a mother, a nurturer, and a real woman. I would like to have tummy tuck after I birth all of my children, but I would never want all of my stretch marks to be removed (which I believe would be impossible). They are kind of like a trophy for me and if someone else can’t accept them then they can just move on and not look :). I am attaching a few photos.

8 months pregnant
25 months postpartum front
25 months postpartum side
25 months postpartum clothed
me and my son

Finally Learning to Love Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 14 Comments

I am 20 years old and gave birth to my beautiful daughter on August 9th, 2009. I loved being pregnant but was so afraid of how I would feel about my postpartum body…in the past I have suffered from body image issues and bulimia which I was slowly recovering from when I discovered that I was pregnant. My biggest fear was that I would look and feel worse than ever about myself after the baby and go back to my old harmful ways of binging, purging and abusing laxatives to try to lose weight.

But the most AMAZING thing has happened: by experiencing the astounding process of growing my daughter inside my body, and then giving birth to her and seeing this PERFECT little creature that I made!- I find myself feeling so much respect and awe for my womanly body and all that it is capable of. Something I have never felt before….I feel Beautiful and Strong and I’m (mostly) okay with the fact that I don’t look perfect. I am capable of being gentle with myself for the first time.

Instead of constantly putting myself down and thinking I’m ugly and I should eat less and try harder and I’ll never be good enough, etc., etc……I am surprised now when I find myself thinking “Good job, you’re doing fine. Take it easy.”….

I HATED myself at 115 lbs, thought I was fat and ugly and no one could ever love me, and now at 142 I’ve never felt so beautiful, happy and worthy of love in my whole life. My body that I loathed so much has made my wonderful daughter for me and I will never intentionally hurt it again.

Just wanted to share :)

These pictures are of me 1 month PP.

Updated here.

New Found Respect (Skye)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Homebirth, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 8 Comments

25 years old
First pregnancy

I never knew how strong I could be until I became pregnant.. it is a journey unlike any other!
I started off so nieve and unsure of myself as a woman, I slowly started to listen to my body and follow my gut instincts.. I had all these pre-conditioned beliefs that had been built over the years about pregnancy and birth, but as my belly grew I discovered a deep inner strength and wisdom and from this I was able to have an amazing birth experience.

I had a beautiful, drug free water birth at home, I went into labour the previous evening and little Indi was born at 10.27am the next day weighing 6.2 lbs.. I am still blown away by it all! I never knew I could make noises like that!!! My midwife was wonderful, she just let me go with the flow of my body which I am so thankful for as I was then not expecting anything and I was just in the moment.. and in doing that I was able to let go of being self conscious and just really get into it!

I wish I could recapture the feeling I had when I brought Indi out of the water and held him.. that feeling of complete bliss and total love, I was totally amazed that he was actually there.. in my arms! for a while I thought he would never come out!

Giving birth has finally opened my eyes and given me a whole new perspective of my body, after coming through a battle with bulimia/anorexia that had engulfed my whole world for many years I am able to look at my body with a smile, I feel so proud of what it is capable of, truly impressive!!! I’m not worried about my hubby seeing my jiggly thighs, cellulite and now very stretched boobs, I feel like I’m beyond judgement, we are creators, life givers and deserve to be seen as nothing less than beautiful regardless of what marks were left behind..

photos:

#1- 9 days before giving birth
#2- little contraction, funny shaped belly!
#3- about 3hrs after giving birth
#4- happy little family
#5- a week or so later
#6- 12 weeks after birth

Updated here.

My Little Angel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I was anorexic 5 years before pregnancy. I’ve never been satisfied with my body even when I had only 105 lbs (height 5 6). This pregnancy has totally changed my way of life. I’ve gained about 40 lbs, but my daughter is worth every pound, every stretch mark. Btw. I thought I’m gonna be stretch-mark free, but now I see them lol. I got purple ones on my behind and really pale on my belly. I love my daughter more than anything. Pictures are 1 week post partum

Your age: 20
Number of pregnancies/births:1/1
Age of my daughter:1 week

A Story of “Pregorexia”

Bonnie (SOAM) Eating Disorder, Link, My Own Ramblings 4 Comments

A big thanks to Kate who sent me this link this morning which led me to this article about a mom’s personal experience starving herself during her pregnancy. I have long thought that the focus on weight gain during pregnancy is too strong and even misguided. It is a good and important medical tool to use, but most of us do not use it that way – instead it is twisted into some kind of moral social structure in which those of us who gain the “right” amount “win” and those who gain outside that are forced into self-hatred.

The article mentions that more often anorexia is about control – and how truly out of control are we while pregnant? It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once. From changes on the surface like stretch marks to changes deeply inside our souls as we realize just how vulnerable motherhood makes us – we are out of control in many ways.

So, take a look at this woman’s story and pictures. And pass it on. And I believe we can help someone out there.

New mom working on acceptance (AVS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 17 Comments

I am a 28 yold new mom to a smart and beautiful four month old girl. I guess I have always had body issues and struggle with eating disorders since I was eleven. I have also been diagnosed with manic depression and feel that it affects my life more than I would like to admit. I never wanted to be pregnant, and never ever wanted a child. It was an accident. Unlike other accidents that I sought to end with a visit to the doctors office, I decided to own up to my irresponsible behaviour and carry my baby to term. I made a few appointments at the abortion clinic. Thankfully, I never went. My greatest fear in having a child was not if I would be able to take care of her, or if I would be a good mom. I was afraid of my body changing and losing control of how I looked. I had always had the “perfect” body. I use to dance and made money with it. I knew how guys talked about women with stretchmarks or those with extra weight. So I always dieted myself down to 103 at 5’4. I would run, do drugs, anything to stay thin. I was always anxious and would stare in the mirror looking for imperfections. If I saw one, I would fix it.
I always wanted a baby, I loved children and made it my other career. I would dance to make money and then nanny to be around children. I wanted one to love and take care of , I just didn’t want the body . I hated being pregnant. I was always sick, my back always hurt, I had horrible sciatica and my legs were swollen and painful from four months onward. I tried to hide my belly with a girdle . I was embarrassed of my stomach. I wasn’t married and wasn’t sure if I was going to stay with the father or not. So, I felt like I had made a huge mistake throughout my pregnancy. As I got bigger, I got less attractive to the opposite sex, I felt uglier. I stopped getting compliments and guys were way less nice to me. Dumb huh? Well, I never realized how much of my self esteem and identity were tied into how men treated and viewed me. I just never wanted to be a fat ugly girl, and here I was hugely pregnant and I didn’t look pretty at all. At least in my mind.
I couldn’t wait to have my baby an get back into shape. I had my girl and fell in love with her. I felt like nothing else mattered, not the stretch marks not the pain nothing. I am very happy and feel so blessed to have her and be in her life and have her in mine. I started the pregnancy at 103, flat board abs, not a stretchmark in sight. At 38 weeks I weighed 165, At six weeks I was 154. Now four months later I am at 133. I know that I won’t be happy until I lose twenty pounds. I work out every day. I watch what I eat . I don’t feel that pretty or sexy. My hips had spread, I got stretchmarks. My thighs were huge and flabby. My face was round and puffy, none of my size 1 pants were even close to fitting. I could not believe that for the first three months I had to borrow size 11 jeans.
But it’s not all bad. I feel like having my baby taught me, that my body is more than just eye candy. It was something wonderful and mysterious. I have softened my harsh views toward myself somewhat. I now realize there is way more to life than how I look and these days I don’t spend nearly as much time obsessing over my appearance. I spend way more time giving love to my baby.
It isn’t easy to escape the demons that have always kept me in fear. Having a baby helped increase the love in my life and forced me to accept the changes that came with pregnancy. I lost some control and found myself enjoying parts of it. I know that I will always have to work on loving myself, and having a daughter makes me want to be a good example. I do not want her to suffer like I did. I think she is perfect and I want her to always love herself. So I will work on loving myself.
To battle the depression, postpartum ouch!, I have to workout. I have been going to the gym five days a week or doing yoga. I am slowly seeing my body look more toned and in shape. I am slowly feeling like I look pretty again. I know that I will obsess over every ounce of flab until it is gone. All I can say is that it is a journey and I am walking the fine line of not spinning out of control and resorting to restricting food, or excersizing obsessively. Having someone that I love more than myself helps keep me focused. It is never easy. It will always be hard for me, but it is the most rewarding thing and feeling I have ever had! I am the happiest I have ever been, even with this imperfect body.
At times I feel so self centered, I know I should be happy that I have a healthy baby, and drop the issues, but it is really hard to change my thought patterns. I am giving it my all and trying to overcome all of this with healthy diet excersize and communication. I feel like this site helps me to be honest with how things went and to put into words how I have been feeling.

Firstpics in white undies, were three months postpartum:
Second pics in red shirt were around 3 1/2
Third (with purple shirt) four mos

~Your Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies : one birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: four mos

7 Weeks Postpartum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age:25
Number of children: 2

This is me today. I had my second baby 7 weeks ago. I have always had issues with my body. All throughout college I suffered from bulimia. The only time I ever felt sexy was during pregnancy. I ate whatever I wanted without guilt. It really helped me overcome my issues with food. During pregnancy I gained approx 35 lbs both times. I loved how my tummy was so tight and round. Now it’s soggy and stretched. However, I would do it all over again. I love being a mother. It is worth every pound and stretch mark I gained. I have come a long way in trying to accept this body. My goal is to loose the last 20 lbs and really tone up. I think If i build more muscle my stomach wont look as stretched. But even if it doesn’t I’m still grateful that being a mom helped me to see how vain I had been in the past. I love This body for giving me my children!

12 Weeks Postpartum, Third Pregnancy (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, Piercing, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

I had my third little girl twelve weeks ago. I am 27. My first daughter is seven (weighing 6lb 1oz at birth), my second daughter is three, (weighing 4lb 12 oz at birth) and my third daughter weighed 4lb 14oz.

When I was younger I had anorexia and issues with self harm, and body image has always been a really big issue for me. I wish it wasn’t, but it is and there does not seem to be much I can do about it. After my last two babies were born I have had depression. I have hated my body so much that it makes me feel physically sick when I look in the mirror. I know that sounds silly, but I guess it’s because of the illness in the past.

I know I can’t go back to being the way I was before I had my babies, but sometimes I wish I could. A few weeks ago I was thinking about surgery ( tummy tuck, breast surgery ) but have realised that I am different because of my kids and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, I have started to eat healthy foods, and have taken up pilates. I’m planning on getting a new hair style too! Hopefully I can start to feel better about myself, and get to a point where I don’t think about it all of the time, where I am not worried about what I look like when I go out places, or take my clothes off at home. I just want to feel like me again!