Eating Disorder

Starving to Blooming (Eve)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 20 Comments

Having spent the last 14 years suffering from Anorexia Nervosa before becoming pregnant I worried about how my changing body may bring back the thoughts, feelings and negativity I had experienced for so long. I had only been in recovery for a number of months before getting pregnant I didn’t feel I was prepared for either getting “bigger” and especially for how my body would look post-pregnancy. I have to say I have been happily surprised by my own reaction. I loved being pregnant, took to it like a duck to water. I enjoyed my ever blossoming bump and showed it off to the max. My worries stuck about how I would feel post-pregnancy. Here I am, 3 weeks after giving birth to my beautiful daughter and feeling (and looking!) fabulous! Yes, I have lumps, bumps, wobblies and stretch marks but I look better than I have in years. Going from 105lbs to 150lbs during my pregnancy has done something, has changed me. I can now appreciate my womanly figure, my curves!! My daughter has done more for me than just making me a mother, but also helping me see the beauty in my own skin.

~Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: daughter, 3 weeks

I Want to See it as Beautiful (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 23 Comments

Prior to pregnancy I suffered an eating disorder that led me to live with an unhealthy weight of around 105 and lower. I am 5’5. Just prior to pregnancy I had gained enough to get my period back and sure enough, here I am today. I knew that I had to gain a “normal persons weight” as well as pregnancy weight in order to be healthy and…so I did. Obvsiously this took a drastic tole on my body and shape during the process. I went from about 105 to 208 on the day of my sons birth. My tiny perky boobs turned into tiny sagging breasts which was devastating for me and my body concious self. My flat stomach turned into dough and no matter how often during these past three years I have worked out , it just wont changed and for me, it has been three years not months. I have tried everything. Because I am open to plastic surgery I will be having a tummy tuck in the future after another child. Thankfully, I am with someone that I truly love who loves my body that I have not fully shown him. I understand where all of you are coming from and it is so sad. I am actually even more sad to see there are so many of us feeling this way although it is inspiration at the same time. I feel horribly about my body but it is odd that when I look at all of you I see so much beauty in what all of you find ugly. I see your bodies as a story, well travelled, beautiful process. I just do not see myself in that light. It feels devastating.

I am trying to work on embracing my body but I know that it will take time.
I hope that we can all learn to appreciate the beauty that we have in ourselves and stop looking at the outside.

My partner says that he does not mind the marks and extra skin that I worry about and I try to believe him. He is so genuine when he says it though. I am working on trusting that. He says that he fell in love with me after I had my child and this body so why would be ever judge it now. Most importantly what I think we all need to know is. When a man who loves you looks at you, he DOES feel the same way we feel when we look at them without judgement. He said, “When I look at you I see you as a whole, one person, the person that I love. I dont look at you in portins and pieces that are separate. You are just you, as a whole and I love that”

Hopefully this helps :) I am trying myself….Good luck to all of you beautiful women.

~22 Year old Mom of a 3 year old

Updated here.

Anonymous

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, Breasts, Butt, Eating Disorder, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy 30 Comments

I and 24 and have had three children in the past 5 years. I fought with anorexia (although I was never diagnosed) when I was 17 and 18 before I got pregnant with my first child. I have always had a negative body image. I almost feel like if I’m not thin, people won’t appreciate me. They will see me as a failure.

All my pregnancies had no serious complications. I gained 60 pounds with my first (I started at 123), 50 pounds with my second (I started at 140), and 25 pounds with my third (I started at 165). I am 5’9″. I lost almost all of my weight after my first but then gained 15 pounds back after I got married. I only lost 25 pounds with my second then got pregnant when he was 8 months. My daughter is now 9 months old. I lost down to 155 because I had bad postpartum depression, but in the past few months have gone back up to 170 since I am HAPPY again ;o).

I don’t exercise because I am LAZY. Even though I am the biggest I have ever been, I am not depressed like I used to get about my weight. I think most of it is because I have three children to show for it. I love my body because of what it has given me, but I DO want it to be healthy. I want to feel better physically. I can feel how heavy I am and THAT’S what bothers me more than what I look like. I’m determined to get in shape. I don’t mind being this size. I just want to be healthy.

I’m not ashamed of my stretch marks. I have them all over. On my hips and belly and breasts. The thing I hate the most about my body is my “mom butt/hips” and my belly flap. It just hangs there when I even slightly bend over.

The women I see on this site are so beautiful. Stretch marks. Scars. Boobies that are less than “perfect”. It’s amazing because of what we’ve been through. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could see ourselves through over people’s eyes? I don’t think we’d see the same thing at all. We are our own worse critic.

9 Months Pregnant With 3rd Baby (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

This is me today, i am 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. I do have quite a few stretch marks and bulges in places that i hate. I have battled with eating disorders and gaining weight with this pregnancy has been a mental struggle with me. I think the only thing i like about being pregnant this time is my stomach isn’t all lose and flabby like it was when i wasn’t pregnant. I do have quite a bit of extra skin that i hate and no amount of weight loss will get rid of it.




Anonymous

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Hips, Legs, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 17 Comments

I’ve procrastinated writing this for a long time now. I found this website when I was pregnant with my son. He’s turning 2 years old now and I think it’s time to settle things with myself. Let me first say thank you for hosting such an amazing website. Now, I have a long history of self-hatred and depression. Without getting into to many details, I’ve cumulatively spent more than 6 months in hospitals being treated for anorexia and have been in therapy for the last 8 years. As I began my road to recovery, I was told that I may not be able to conceive because of the abuse to my body. I had no period for 6 years, a condition called amenorrhea. Then on the night that my husband proposed to me, I got my first period. He was so happy, not for my fertility, but at this beautiful sign of health. 3 Months before our wedding I got three consecutive periods and on our wedding night we conceived our son. Pregnancy was difficult. I was on progesterone supplements for the first trimester. The hormones put on quite a bit of water weight and I had gained 20 lbs in my first trimester alone. I gained a total of 54lbs, and on my 5ft frame that was just enough to make me miserable. We were planning to have a natural birth without medications. Then, three and a half weeks before my due date I came down with a high fever. When I went to the hospital I was having contractions and my baby was showing some signs of weakness. I was given antibiotics and cervadil to ripen my cervix and we were going to induce the next morning. I was induced and labored naturally for 12 hours. My cervix only dialated to 4 and my son was starting to struggle in the womb. I consented to a c-section and he was born healthy within the hour. Of course it’s not how I planned, but that is what life gave me. I love my scar, I think it’s beautiful. My son nursed for 17months until he weaned himself. Those were some of the most special moments together. I was fortunate enough to have an oversupply of breast milk and I froze and gave milk to my nephew who was born premature. I have light stretch marks all over my breasts, lower belly, belly button, thighs and butt. My belly button herniated as well and I too, like so many women here, have flat pancake breasts. The curves and the stretch marks have grown on me since. I have good and bad days. Most days my husband makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m so grateful for that. Then there are days when I can’t shut up the voice in my head. My heart breaks for my past, but I’m not ashamed of it nor do I wish it hadn’t happened. Dealing with my anorexia and depression has made me who I am today. It has made me a stronger person and a better mom. My husband and I have made the decision not to have any more children, but I don’t take it for granted, not for a second. Every time I look at my body with despise, I think of how blessed I am.







6 Weeks Postpartum (Jessica)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

My name is Jessica, and i had a beautiful son 6 weeks ago today. Having a child has been the most fullfilling event to ever happen in my life. Before becoming pregnant me and my boyfriend of 4 years got married, and we never planned on having kids, only dogs! Six months after our wedding i found out i was pregnant and to both of our suprise we were both very excited. I was very scared because i suffered from anorexia and was underweight and feared gaining weight. I knew i was going to have to so that my baby could be happy and healthy. I ended up gaining 35 pounds by the end of my pregnancy. I was very sick the last 8 weeks, and was unable to keep anything down including my vitamins, water and any kind of food. I didn’t gain any weight in the 8 weeks and was very worried for my childs health. I was induced on November 26th, 2 days before my due date because my blood pressure had been skyrocketing and the doctors were worried about my baby and I’s safety. My son, Hayden, was born at 3:46pm on November 28, 2008 after 44 hours of labor and 3 hours 6 minutes of pushing. It was a vacumn assisted delivery due to the fact that his cord was wrapped around his neck and shoulders. I wasn’t allowed to see him right away and it felt like hours before i heard his first cry. I was put on magnesium during my labor and delivery and since it had been passed through him he was very lethargic and they took him right away and i was unable to see him for 8 hours. That was the toughest thing, i watched A Baby Story religiously during my pregnancy and just thought that would be how my delivery would have went. I would go through it all over again because the outcome was all worth it. I’m still working on recovering from my eating disorder, but it is so difficult with a body that have changed and the extra skin that i now have. Everyday is a struggle in that department. I still have an extra 22lbs of weight on me, but i can live with that for now. Here are some photos of me before i was pregnant, 38 weeks pregnant and 5/6 weeks postpartum



Trying to learn acceptance (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

Well here it is. I am a 20-year-old mommy to be. For the last 8 years I’ve struggled on and off with an eating disorder.I wish I could say that I outgrew it and realized I had a problem and got over it, but that’s not true. I know that it’s a problem, but it’s not something that I could let go of. Like any other addiction it’s just not that easy. But I can say that since I’ve been pregnant I HAVE let it go, if only for now. I’m hoping that maybe eating normally for 9 months will have broken me of this awful habit, but you never know until you test yourself. So I can’t say I will definitely be better after Caden is born, but I can say that I will try. But here’s the good part of all this. I’m completely shocked at how easily I’ve accepted my pregnant body. Even how excited I’ve been about it. Until recently I loved absolutely everything about it, yes, I had moments where I would feel insecure but for the most part I thought my baby belly was the cutest thing. And I say until recently because in the last month I’ve gotten lots more stretch marks. At first I was getting a few on my hips and LOTS on my breasts but I was ok with that, I had expected it and they weren’t that bad so I didn’t really mind them. But then I noticed one on my belly, just one, and I totally panicked. After I’d reached week 30 and I was still virtually stretch mark free, I had rejoiced a little and relaxed about it thinking I wouldn’t get any, but then low and behold here’s this little uninvited guest invading my belly space. I have to say it took all I had not to cry, but I didn’t. Instead I just started worrying constantly that I would get more and I would be horribly disfigured. Well I did get more. A LOT more. And although I’ve seen much, much worse on other people I felt so ugly and disgusting I just wanted to sit in my room and cry. I started to really dwell on it, it was all I thought about, every day I would look at my belly and just feel completely disgusted. I didn’t even want Justin to look at me and I was totally embarrassed for anyone to know. But slowly something great began to happen. I won’t say I started to like them or think they were beautiful like some mothers do, but I started to ACCEPT them for what they were, the marks my beautiful little boy had left on my body. Proof that I had done the ultimate thing, I had created and nurtured a brand new life. I was more than just a silly little girl now, I had become a strong, amazing WOMAN. And not just any woman, a mother. Caden isn’t here yet and I still don’t know what my belly will look like after he is, it may be just awful, but I am optimistic. And even if it is terrible and I will have days, maybe even weeks where I feel terrible and unattractive, the fact still remains that I am the way I am because I brought a beautiful new life into this world. I don’t expect to look the way I did before I got pregnant, but I will work very hard to at least look my best and feel great about myself again. I know that I’ve done well and I haven’t gained 50 pounds or anything. For the most part, other than my belly I am still the same size. Of course I have gained SOME extra weight but I guess I’m really not a moose after all, lol. Along the way I’ll just have to remind myself that it was all worth it and I did a fantastic thing. Not everyone can go through an entire pregnancy and barely gain a pound and escape the dreaded stretch marks. But pounds can be lost, and stretch marks will fade. One thing that won’t, however, is my love for my little man. I know that when I finally see him for the first time it will all have been worth each and every little scar. And the first time he says “Mommy” I’m sure I’ll forget all these insecurities completely. I can only hope that his father will realize the same things I have and be more supportive. I always thought that he would be overjoyed and understanding but it turns out he’s pretty much repulsed by my new body. I know he can’t help it but it still hurts a lot, I don’t think the stretch marks would really bother me at all if they didn’t bother him. But I guess we can only see… So there’s my story, completely open and blatant honesty. Think and say what you will because this is something I needed to say. And who knows, maybe it will help another mommy deal with her thoughts and insecurities. I can only hope so. Here are some photos all throughout my pregnancy, I’ll post some more once he gets here!









Acceptance (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

My body acceptance

My name is Janel and I gave birth to my daughter Jasmyn in June of 2006. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. But after coming home from the hospital and seeing my new body in the mirror I couldn’t help but be depressed. I had never been “skinny” but I was toned and had a nice physique in my opinion. I was pretty active and cared about my appearance. I did however have issues with the eating disorder bulimia. My weight would shift often during that time because I would go weeks without binging and purging and then go weeks with only binging and purging…. After high school I felt I had it under control. I met Nima and became pregnant at 19. Anyway… After seeing what was left after pregnancy I felt defeated and decided I would cover up my body with saggy clothes and hide away indoors.I rationalized by saying this is my baby’s time not mine. Months went by with breastfeeding, exhaustion and depression. Slowly I slipped back into my eating disorder habits. I would exercise like crazy (indoors only) because I was ashamed to go to an actual gym. My self-esteem was at an all time low. Finally my Dad and step-mom stepped in and made me realize that I needed to stop feeling so horrible about myself. My aunt stepped in and bought me some new clothes that flattered my “new” body. Nima helped by giving compliments and taking me shopping for new clothes. I found the courage to join a gym, and even an aerobics class with one of my cousins.Things were getting better for me and still are. I work out regularly, I eat a balanced diet. Of course I indulge some days :). But overall I am becoming more accepting of myself and this new body. At the age of 22 I can finally say I am happier with myself then I ever have been. And that doesn’t just go for how I feel about my appearance but the inside too. By posting these pictures and actually seeing my body through the camera I realize its not that bad! It was liberating to see it for what it really is. I was too scared to take pictures of my body before. But this website helped. I dont feel comfortable with nudity, but I submitted some pics of my post baby tummy and body…… I hope I can break the cycle of insecurity that runs in my family and give my daughter a way to love herself for her!








Body Image, Bulimia, and a Beautiful Baby Boy (Katie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Belly, Breast or Body Art, Body Image, Breastfeeding, Breasts, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 15 Comments

I struggled with my weight all my life. I struggled with a viscous eating disorder that ruled my every moment, and nearly killed me. I was 106 pounds, and had no menstrual cycle to speak of, fainting spells, seizures, ulcers, and heart problems. Eventually I got more confident, thanks to my (now) husband, and started getting healthy. I got to 120 pounds, started ovulating again, stopped drinking, and got happy. After 3 years together, he asked me to marry him. Shortly after that, we got pregnant. Getting pregnant with my baby boy was the most miraculous thing to me. As a teenager, I had a miscarriage. I was not in a place in my life where I could have handled parenthood. I was irresposible, immature, and unhealthy. Regardless, that was MY baby, and it was gone. I was haunted for years about the baby that might have been. I was devastated. when we got pregnant, I was so afraid that it could happen again. My mother had 6 miscarriages before she got pregnant with me. I threw out any lingering eating habits that threatened my child, and put my baby above all else. I had gotten healthy and my binging/purging had mellowed out, but I was still trapped in the cycle. As soon as i knew I was pregnant, however, I threw a wheel in the gears and stomped on the brakes. Part of letting that go was eating frequently, and being comfortable with food because it was for my son. I snacked almost constantly, and refused to let myself throw up. after that many years, it was a hard thing. It was a shock, I had a few panic attacks, and a few crying fits. But i was adamant. It was all in the name of my baby, and that gave me all the strength I needed. I was five months pregnant when we were married. we had to set the wedding ahead, because my great big beautiful belly was so big doctors first thought i was having twins. I gained over 70 pounds during my pregnancy. I went from 120, to 190 the day I gave birth to my beautiful boy. He was my miracle, and every tiny inch of his perfect little life was worth every pound I gained and more. After he was born, I lost 30 pounds almost right away. between hormones, breast feeding, and lack of appetite, they just melted off. But once I got stronger and more active, the weight just stopped going away. my clothes stopped getting looser. It just slowed to a halt. I was upset at first, and in denial. During pregnancy I had been able to snuff my insecurities with my confidence that my body knew exactly what it was doing. I guess I just expected my body to take care of it, and when It didn’t I didn’t know how to handle it. I held as hard as I could to my new found confidence in my figure, and how it had all been for an amazing cause, and there was absolutely no reason to fret at all about my body image. However, bit by bit, I couldn’t help feeling self conscious with my deflated figure, and became really depressed. I realised later that I became self concious and embarrased with my body when we got television. Every bony hip, flat tummy and twig-like appendage beat down my confidence and love for myself. Then, I found this site. I felt embarrassed then. Not for my body, but for ever having sold my soul to the ideals of a SOCIETY with an eating disorder. This whole country, and the entire nations media, has an eating disorder. I feel ashamed that I ever let that influence creep back into my life. I have an amazing, beautiful son who is so smart and happy and loving. I have a great husband, who is nurturing and strong where I am not. I have an amazing family, I LOVE my life, and I vow to never, ever ever put any pressure on food, body image, or that hunger for approval in my children or my own life. I read that article “save our daughters” and all I have to say is if I can protect my family from every “suck in your gut” i will forever be grateful-and all i can hope is that i can raise my children with more strength of character than I had.









Updated here.