New mom working on acceptance (AVS)

I am a 28 yold new mom to a smart and beautiful four month old girl. I guess I have always had body issues and struggle with eating disorders since I was eleven. I have also been diagnosed with manic depression and feel that it affects my life more than I would like to admit. I never wanted to be pregnant, and never ever wanted a child. It was an accident. Unlike other accidents that I sought to end with a visit to the doctors office, I decided to own up to my irresponsible behaviour and carry my baby to term. I made a few appointments at the abortion clinic. Thankfully, I never went. My greatest fear in having a child was not if I would be able to take care of her, or if I would be a good mom. I was afraid of my body changing and losing control of how I looked. I had always had the “perfect” body. I use to dance and made money with it. I knew how guys talked about women with stretchmarks or those with extra weight. So I always dieted myself down to 103 at 5’4. I would run, do drugs, anything to stay thin. I was always anxious and would stare in the mirror looking for imperfections. If I saw one, I would fix it.
I always wanted a baby, I loved children and made it my other career. I would dance to make money and then nanny to be around children. I wanted one to love and take care of , I just didn’t want the body . I hated being pregnant. I was always sick, my back always hurt, I had horrible sciatica and my legs were swollen and painful from four months onward. I tried to hide my belly with a girdle . I was embarrassed of my stomach. I wasn’t married and wasn’t sure if I was going to stay with the father or not. So, I felt like I had made a huge mistake throughout my pregnancy. As I got bigger, I got less attractive to the opposite sex, I felt uglier. I stopped getting compliments and guys were way less nice to me. Dumb huh? Well, I never realized how much of my self esteem and identity were tied into how men treated and viewed me. I just never wanted to be a fat ugly girl, and here I was hugely pregnant and I didn’t look pretty at all. At least in my mind.
I couldn’t wait to have my baby an get back into shape. I had my girl and fell in love with her. I felt like nothing else mattered, not the stretch marks not the pain nothing. I am very happy and feel so blessed to have her and be in her life and have her in mine. I started the pregnancy at 103, flat board abs, not a stretchmark in sight. At 38 weeks I weighed 165, At six weeks I was 154. Now four months later I am at 133. I know that I won’t be happy until I lose twenty pounds. I work out every day. I watch what I eat . I don’t feel that pretty or sexy. My hips had spread, I got stretchmarks. My thighs were huge and flabby. My face was round and puffy, none of my size 1 pants were even close to fitting. I could not believe that for the first three months I had to borrow size 11 jeans.
But it’s not all bad. I feel like having my baby taught me, that my body is more than just eye candy. It was something wonderful and mysterious. I have softened my harsh views toward myself somewhat. I now realize there is way more to life than how I look and these days I don’t spend nearly as much time obsessing over my appearance. I spend way more time giving love to my baby.
It isn’t easy to escape the demons that have always kept me in fear. Having a baby helped increase the love in my life and forced me to accept the changes that came with pregnancy. I lost some control and found myself enjoying parts of it. I know that I will always have to work on loving myself, and having a daughter makes me want to be a good example. I do not want her to suffer like I did. I think she is perfect and I want her to always love herself. So I will work on loving myself.
To battle the depression, postpartum ouch!, I have to workout. I have been going to the gym five days a week or doing yoga. I am slowly seeing my body look more toned and in shape. I am slowly feeling like I look pretty again. I know that I will obsess over every ounce of flab until it is gone. All I can say is that it is a journey and I am walking the fine line of not spinning out of control and resorting to restricting food, or excersizing obsessively. Having someone that I love more than myself helps keep me focused. It is never easy. It will always be hard for me, but it is the most rewarding thing and feeling I have ever had! I am the happiest I have ever been, even with this imperfect body.
At times I feel so self centered, I know I should be happy that I have a healthy baby, and drop the issues, but it is really hard to change my thought patterns. I am giving it my all and trying to overcome all of this with healthy diet excersize and communication. I feel like this site helps me to be honest with how things went and to put into words how I have been feeling.

Firstpics in white undies, were three months postpartum:
Second pics in red shirt were around 3 1/2
Third (with purple shirt) four mos

~Your Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies : one birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: four mos

17 thoughts on “New mom working on acceptance (AVS)

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 9:49 am

    omg you look GREAT. i wish i had your butt!!! so perkyand round!

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 10:17 am

    you look great girl. I wish i looked like that! Congrats on your lil girl! I bet shes beautiful!

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    I’ve had an eating disorder when I was younger, and by the way you are talking I think you still have issues you need to work on. I think you look great the way you are now. Don’t get too thin XXX

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Wow, what an amazing testimony! Congratulations on your baby girl; you look absolutely amazing to have just had a baby 4 months ago!!! :D You must remember that we are our own worst critics and that the Lord can deliver you from yourself as well as those demons! Keep believing in yourself and know that God loves you!

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    you look like me a 16 months later! That is awesome for having a baby at all forget about only 4 months later! I do not work out at all so I know you’ll reach your goal quickly! Looking forward to your next post!

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    I also want to add that I had an eating disorder I worked out non-stop, counted every calorie, watched my sodium intake, took ephedrine (illegal drug-speeds up the heart)… everything I got down to 118 and standing at 5’8″. At the time I thought I looked great but everyone kept telling me to gain weight, that I was too skinny. After looking at photos and really listening to them I didn’t give up working out but I gave up ephedrine and stopped counting calories and I have to tell you I’m much more happy and and I still look hot! I have muscle now instead of bone its great! Remember that you’ll never be perfect no one is! Congrats again!!! : )

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    You look much more feminine, sexy, and healthy now, than you would at 103lb. Many men find very skinny women to be a turn off–they look too fragile. They like women who are softer and rounder and more feminine. But what ever shape you are the most comfortable is the best for you. I just think you look pretty awesome now!

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    The same theme that runs through many of these posts is present in this one as well. It’s always based on what men think about women. It’s so sad to me that so many women, most women, gauge their own self-worth on what some man thinks, it’s really a shame. The recurring “what if my man doesn’t want to touch me again?” “what will my man think about my stretchmarks?” repeats over and over again. If my partner decided that I wasn’t worthy after I bore his child then I would never let him touch me again, it would be over. And I’ll just bet that most of these men who are judging their women in this way are they typical working man with a beer gut.

  • Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    you look amazing!!

    my post was the one right before
    yours. one unhott mama. look at it.
    i PROMISE you will feel much better
    about yourself.

    you look great.
    seriously. id kill
    for ur gorgeous skin.

  • Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 12:05 am

    omg you look GREAT. i wish i had your butt!!! so perkyand round!

  • Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 10:45 am

    You look great! And I’m so happy you made the choice to keep your baby! May she continue to be a blessing to you!

  • Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    you look amazing…probably better than you did at 103 lbs. i am so happy you made the right choice to have your baby, and i’m sure she is too!

  • Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    you have a gorgeous shape, if it wasnt for the dark line no one would ever know you had a baby! :D xxx

  • Monday, June 1, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    ur a$$ is divine!!! I really don’t think you need to get back to 103…real women have curves – and ur curves are super awesome! :) please just be healthy for urself and ur baby.

  • Sunday, April 11, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    From what I can see, you have a really really nice body! I wish I was curvy like you!

  • Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Girl you look just fine.

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