Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

32 Year Old Mom of 2 Boys (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

~Your Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 boys ages 20 months and 5 months

At 5’7″, I weighed 145 lbs all through high school. I was all muscle, and on the cheerleading squad, and I thought I was so overweight. I went on fad diets, but nothing really worked. In college, I wasn’t
active at all anymore, and my weight crept up to 160, then higher and higher, until 2002, when at the age of 25 I went through a divorce. About a month after my divorce was final, I was at my highest weight,
225 lbs.

Over the next 5 years, I had success losing weight with Body for Life. However, I would always get to 180 lbs and be STUCK. After I gave up on Body for Life, I went back to 220 lbs. Miserable, I joined Weight
Watchers and over the next 5 months, I went back to 180 lbs. I was very excited to finally break the plateau, and then I surprisingly found out I got pregnant on my 30th birthday.

I had an easy pregnancy, but I gained 70 lbs. :( I was 250 exactly when I gave birth. I went back to Weight Watchers when my son was 5 days old. I had my heart on breastfeeding, but my son refused to
nurse because I was so engorged. I ended up becoming an EPer (exclusive pumper), and did so for 6 months. By then, I had lost all 70 lbs and was back to 180, and was excited to once again try and
break my 180-lb mark. Then, my milk supply dried up. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. My son was 6 months, his demand didn’t change, yet I couldn’t make any milk anymore. I took a pregnancy test
just in case. Surprise! I was pregnant again!

Rinse and repeat, seriously. I gained 70 lbs AGAIN, and was 250 when I gave birth. I was induced with my 1st baby, but my 2nd son came out on his own after the easiest birth ever. 6 hours of labor from
beginning to end, and 2 pushes. If I hadn’t chickened out and made it through the 3 hours I had the epidural, I could have birthed him at home in my tub (if it were legal in my state, which it is not). I was
up within 1 hour, and praise the Lord, he nursed like a champ.

Now we are 5 months postpartum, and I am once again nearing the 180 mark. I am so anxious, because I really do love the way I look in some ways. But I’m ready to try for the final time to become fit.
It’s so unknown though. My husband had a vasectomy 1 week ago, as we know we don’t want anymore children. It’s been so long since I’ve been under 180. I want to be around 140, but I have a lot of work
ahead of me. I am also really unhappy with my breasts. All of the pumping and nursing has taken a toll, and I am not opposed to getting a lift if (I mean, WHEN) I get to my ultimate goal weight.

My husband cannot keep his hands off of me. He loves my breasts and my butt. I am not a self-conscious person usually. When I go out, I feel sexy, and I love to feel sexy around my husband. But I know my
boys are going to be so active, and I want to be active with him. I love them so much, so absolutely. They are the best things that ever happened to me, and when I look at my body, I see them. I still look
at both of them with awe, and I always tell my husband, “I can’t believe we made them, and that they came from my body!” It is so amazing.

Wow, just writing all of that out made me feel so different about myself. Definitely more positive. I am a mother. This is my shape. I could look better, but my kids are healthy, happy, and the product
of a lot of hard work.

Thanks for letting me share my story!

1. 2003, 6 years before pregnancy, when I got to 180 for the first time.
2. Same as #1, just the back
3. 2 weeks before I gave birth to my 1st son (250 lbs)
4. 2 days before I gave birth to my 2nd son (250 lbs)
5. 1 hour after my 2nd son was born (230 lbs)
6. Same, from the side (230 lbs)
7. 6 weeks PP with #2 (about 210 lbs)
8-11. Today, 5 months PP (186 lbs)32

Signs of a Mother (Danielle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Hips, Postpartum, Submissions 22 Comments

Yesterday I cried as I looked down at my saggy, stretch-mark belly. It complimented my fat hips and newly formed “mom-butt”. My boobs were unshapely under the bras that don’t quite fit and my once cute panties have seen better days. My skinny jeans sit in the bottom of a box along with the tank tops I’ll never wear again.

As I put on my high wasted jeans and loose top, I cried. It just didn’t seem fair. All day I moped around the house, feeling gross and unappealing. I felt disgusting, all because I gave birth to my gorgeous daughter. It didn’t seem right.

And it isn’t.

Everywhere shows us what women are supposed to be. Apparently, mothers are not one of those things. The idea of child-bearing has changed so much in the past few decades. What was once an accomplishment, a success is now more of an inconvenience. As soon as that baby is out, it’s back to the gym to get rid of the fat and marks, so in a few weeks it’s as if you never had a child. And maybe that’s the point.

Today is the day I start trying to lose the weight. Get my thighs back to a reasonable size, and the new hips have got to go. Maybe, I’ll keep those stretch marks for a bit longer (as if I had a choice). Just to remind me of all I had to endure to create the perfect little girl. They are something not just anyone has. They are the sign of a mother.

Name: Danielle
Age: 22
Children: One, she’s one month old

My Second Entry – Still Trying to Accept Me (Angele)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Diastasis Recti, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Original entry here.

~Your Age: 28.. almost 29.
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My children are almost 8 and almost 4; 3 and a half years PP.

Hello to all you wonderful ladies,

I have written in here before and wanted to update. In my last entry (3 years and still this?!?!) I talked about saving up for a tummy tuck; I had my first consultation with a plastic surgeon and I found out that I would indeed benefit from a TT. I have abdominal diastasis (muscle seperation) of approx. 3 inches. The Dr. explained my stomach to me, regarding the weird indent I have on my bottom belly..you can actually see where the muscle is seperated!…

I have lost some weight since my last entry, and it has not improved the look of my stomach, if anything it just hangs more now. I visit this site every day to simply get inspired and hope to find the strength and courage you ladies have. It is always difficult to see the beauty in oneself.. I hope to get there one day!

For now, I am content in seeing the beauty of my 2 little girls who make it all worth it! :)

My pictures are as follows:
3.5 years PP:
Pic 1: front sucked in
Pic 2: front relaxed
Pic 3: side relaxed
Pic 4: side sucked in
Pic 5: Muscle split
Pic 6:My little ones :)

Updated here.

The Whirlwind (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions, Suicide or suicidal thoughts, Vulva/Vaginal Damage 24 Comments

2 weeks after I got married, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was 20 years old. My husband was to be deployed for a 15 month tour with the US army in 6 months, at that time. He left for Iraq when I was just under 6 months pregnant. He thankfully got to come home for the birth. He surprised me when I was at work, on my last day before I was to go on maternity leave. I went into labor a week later. September 10th, 2008 I was in labor for 12 hours. I pushed for 2 hours and the doctor decided that the baby needed some help coming out. He used forceps to get the baby out. I ended up with fourth degree tears. Labor was extremely traumatic for me, afterwards I felt like I had been raped (I know that sounds bad, but true). I was so thankful to have my husband by my side at the time, nothing else mattered after I got over the initial shock. But he had to go back to the war in Iraq, our baby was only 12 days old.
9 weeks postpartum, I was still in pain from the birth. I got checked out and the doctor said I had a hole in my vagina! I freaked out. He “fixed” the hole the best he could and told me to give it 6 weeks to heal. 6 weeks later, any time I was on my feet for more then a half hour, it felt like I needed to push out a bowling ball from my vagina (I know! So not fun).I went to see the doctor again. The doctor gave me a look like, “your looked for drugs, aren’t you”. I did not want drugs, I just did not want my vagina to be “broken” anymore. He gave me three options, to have him re-cut me open and stich me back up (no thank you), give me a nerve-killer shot in my vagina to numb me forever (HECK no!), or to deal with. I choice to deal with it.
16 weeks postpartum, I was still in pain. I just figured this was the way it was going to be the rest of my life. I was just glad I didn’t have to deal with my husband wanting sex, since he was still in Iraq. I thought I would go into liver failure with all the Tylenol I was taking just to survive each day. I was not happy. I was in pain everyday, I was dealing with a colicky baby by myself, and I was not getting much sleep at all worrying about my husband and everything else on my plate.
18 weeks postpartum, I decided to stop breast feeding. I wasn’t making enough milk to feed the baby because I wasn’t eating enough. I was miserable. I missed my husband, and life sucked at this point.
One night I was home, putting the baby to sleep like normal. I heard voices in my head as I rocked him that told me to just knock my sons head on the wall and just get it over with. I was hearing voices that told me to kill my son. I panicked. I put him to sleep and I just cried. How could I think like that? I looked at the bottle of pills that was so familiar to me, Tylenol. I thought, I need to end my life if I was thinking about taking my childs life. I took a few pills and I knew I needed help. I called my mom and told her I needed to go to the hospital immediately. I was admitted to the psych ward of a hospital for a 5 day stay for severe postpartum depression. My husband came home from Iraq for emergency leave. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what happened, so I told them I fell and hit my head. My husband was home for 10 days to help me back on my feet. I got support for my immediate family and they all helped me a lot.
Today, my husbands 15 month tour in Iraq ends in 3 months. I have a beautiful almost 9 month old son. I am fully recovered and not on any meds anymore. I just wanted to share my story to tell everyone that postpartum depression is real and it can be really scary. Just ask for help when you need it, with the baby or just for yourself, if you don’t you will make yourself crazy like I did. Nobody can do it alone, and nobody should.

1st photo is me 8 months pregnant
2nd photo is my husband and I getting our son baptisted when he was 11 days old the day before my husband left to go back to Iraq
3rd photo is my son now (8 1/2 months)

Really Having a Hard Time With This (Kali)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 21 Comments

Age: 38
# of pregnancies:3 total, 2 miscarriages before 12 weeks, 1 full term
Postpartum: 4 weeks postpartum, C-Section

At my age and given that I lost 2 pregnancies before this I should really not be so vain, but I am horrified and floored at what I look like now. I don’t think that time or exercise are going to help.

I started my pregnancy at 5’5″ and hovering between 151 and 155 pounds. I lookied pretty good at that weight because I carried a lot of muscle, although 145 would have been perfect. I felt like garbage my whole pregnancy and lost my job at the end of my first trimester, so I was not very active. I did not, however, eat like a crazy woman.

Imagine my shock when I weighed myself the day before I had the baby and was at 205! FIFTY pounds. The stretchmarks aren’t too bad, fairly faint and all on the lower belly.

In the 2 weeks after I had him I lost 35 pounds. I really had no appetite after the c-section, so it wasn’t too hard. Now, however, my metabolism seems to have crashed. The scale hasn’t budged in 2 weeks, and I am eating healthfully, and trying to eat more to keep myself from going into starvation mode. I started walking 1 week postpartum and just started back at the gym this week.

Here’s the thing, I could handle the stretchmarks, I could handle the fat, even the fact that my boobs have gone down a cup size and headed south, but the hanging apron of skin is just gross. I feel deformed. It even smells bad under there so several times a day I have to pull up the flap of skin and clean & dry the area so it soesn’t get all sweaty & nasty. Plus I think I have a hernia. I feel a weird “ball” just over my belly button. The front pictures don’t look so bad, but the side picture shows the hangy stuff.

My fiance is loking to be intimate and I just hate the thought of exposing myself to him. He’s several years younger and has a permanent 6-pack, and although he would never say anything bad about the way I look, I can’t deal with the thought of him being secretly turned off by what’s happened to my body. I know I am.

8 Months Postpartum After Two Children (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

im 22 years old, i became pregnant at age 19 and on my 21st first birthday, *happy birthday mommy, here is your failing epidural!!!*

my stomach was actually worse with my first child after she was born, even though my second was a pound larger weighing in at 8lbs 9oz and she gave me more stretch marks but i made a point to eat very healthy and be active, took liquid collagen supplements you can get at any health/supplement store, and lots of vitamin C as it is a key factor in collagen production and religously applied firming serum to my belly, im now gonna start wearing body shapers that i ordered on ebay which i should have done long ago, my belly just gets better and better every month, still depresses me all the time but i made a 2 year rule, if my skin doesnt smooth out in two years after my last baby i will save up for one more year for a tummy tuck, i did have a tubal ligation so im done having babies, im having a breast reduction in july as i have 34 DDD and they are causing back problems for me, but ill admit ill miss my pre baby boobies i couldnt even breast feed for very long with either of them cause my back couldnt handle it, but in time ill be back in my bikini and be comfortable in my own skin, and im sure with lots of help, planning and support all moms can do the same, but taking time out for yourself to be active and vent out will help all frustration and depression, everyday is a mothers day, so take care of yourselves!!!

24 Year Old Mother of a Miracle – One Months PP (Carolyne)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Complications in Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 9 Comments

My whole life I have worked out and been active in sports. I played softball in college and after graduating I continued my 5 day a week work outs. Due to a heart condition and severe high blood pressure, I was told I would never be able to have children. Because of the stress the hypertension put on my body, I tried to take care of it as best I could by exercising and eating healthy. In August, 2008… on our one year anniversary.. my husband and I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked – especially after being told it would never happen. Giddy with joy, we went to our first appointment where my OB told me not to get too attached.. as the pregnancy likely wouldn’t last. I tried ignoring the baby growing inside of me… still working out 5 days a week… but after three months and seeing my body change, I knew I could no longer pretend my little baby wasn’t happily growing inside of me. Six months later, on April 19, 2009, we welcomed our little girl – our miracle – into the world after 31 hours of active labor and 4 hours of pushing. What a stubborn child!

Throughout my pregnancy I still exercised 5 days a week with light weights – though not as intense as pre-pregnancy (Dr. said this was fine and wouldn’t jeopardize my baby) – and ate healthy. There were times when I wanted so badly to eat a whole cake… a bag of chips… icecream… fast food… french fries. I knew I needed to stay healthy for myself and my baby and fought so hard to stay away from all the things I craved. It was horrible. I craved all things salty… but because of my blood pressure I couldn’t have salt. Sometimes, amidst all my raging hormones, I would cry because I wanted McDonald’s french fries so bad!!!

In the long run, staying active and healthy helped me. The exercise gave me the energy and stamina to be in active labor for 31 hours and gave me the endurance to push for 4 hours (her head wouldn’t come down!). Eating the right foods helped me to keep my weight gain at a reasonable amount and avoiding the salty foods I really wanted helped keep my blood pressure in check so that I could carry my baby to term. I felt great after delivering and was on my feet walking all over the place just a couple hours later.

The pictures I’ve included are of me at 38 weeks (delivered at 39), one day postpartum and me at one month postpartum. Looking at my belly it looks back to normal with the exception of my lingering linea nigra…. but the belly is definitely not the same which is to be expected. The skin is very loose but will tighten in time. I am very thankful for the miracle that was given to me and for the fact that I was able to carry her against all odds. For any ladies reading this that have health problems and are told they will not be able to have/carry children, I’m proof that you can! Stay healthy and strong and you’ll be in the best place for an event free pregnancy and a speedy recovery. To all the women who have posted on this site, you all gave me courage… made me proud of what my body was doing and the changes that would come. I looked at all of your posts as inspiration and something to hope for when I wasn’t very far along in my pregnancy. Thank you for being strong enough to post on here and for being proud of the journey your bodies took!

Pictures: 38 weeks, one month post partum, and one day postpartum.

Age: 24
Pregnancies: 1
Postpartum: one month

Updated here.

Postpartum 21 and 25 years later – 3rd post (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Art, Belly, Breasts, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 5 Comments

Original entries here and here.

I have posted recent photos of me twice before, but now I have a beautiful drawing a friend did, from the only photo I have of me pregnant, almost 26 years ago, 2 days before my son was born. I am going to display this in my lounge – my sons and some friends may be prudish but I have no shame and am so proud of this lovely, sensitive drawing he did especially for me.

061209-anon-1

061209-anon-2

Elisha

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Question, Submissions 3 Comments

Hi there i had a baby 11 months ago and i still havent got back to how i would like at the moment i hate my body and cant bear to see myself naked i am 23 and this is my first child and pregnancy, birth and motherhood was and is the best experience ever i love my daughter more than anything but at the moment i am so down about my body i hate it just talking about it makes me wanna cry i have my partner seeing my naked and i hate going to events as trying to find somthing to wear is so stressful then when i do find somthing i see pictures after the event and i hate seeing pictures of myself, i dont know how to cope with the way my body has changed, i was pregnant at the same time a 2 friends and they both look fantastic in there size 8 cloths and it makes me envious of them i hate being around them because of how i look next to them can someone please give me some advice on how to get loosing the baby weight and get a flat tummy and get my confiedence back because at the moment i dont have any thanks elisha