Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Struggling With My New Body (Alexandra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

age: 19
2 pregnancies 1 birth
4 weeks postpartum

pre-pregnancy 142 lbs
delivery aprox 200 lbs
current 170 lbs

In October of ’09 my then boyfriend and I found out we were expecting. He proposed, and we planned the wedding for 2 weeks later. On Halloween I was at work and started spotting. I panicked and went home. The bleeding never stopped, and the next day it became very heavy. Six days before our wedding at 7 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. We went ahead with the wedding and it was wonderful. After the miscarriage I begged my husband to try again to get pregnant. I was obsessed with getting pregnant and could think of nothing else. As the next few months went by we found out he would be deploying in August and in late February I decided now was not the time to get pregnant. Well low and behold I was already pregnant. My pregnancy was flawless, we even found out my husband was going to deploy in August but December/January. We had no worries, no problems, no nothing. During the next 9months I put on 58lbs. I’m still not sure how I gained that much weight. I struggled with the stretchmarks, and my poor husband did everything he could to help me feel better. Two weeks prior to my due date my water broke. The labor did not go as planned but despite the complications my son is now a healthy happy little boy. After we left the hospital I kept telling myself the weight would just fall off, that’s what everyone had told me. And for the first 2 weeks it did. I went down to 184 in 5 days and then to 172 the next week, but it seems as though i have hit a wall. For two weeks my weight has stayed the same. I see my friends who gave birth within a week or two of me back in their pre-pregnancy jeans and it hurts. In the beginning I said I wanted to be back at my high school weight of 135 by the time my husband gets home from Afghanistan in July. It seems to far away and almost unachievable. After my son was born I stopped caring about my stretchmarks, which is nice. I realize there is nothing I can do with them but give them time. I just wish I could accept this new body. I look in the mirror and I don’t really mind what i see all that much. I don’t hide my body from my husband but the thought of staying this weight upsets me. I know its only been 4 weeks and maybe I had unrealistic expectations after the first 30lbs came off so easily.. I just hope i can accept my new body and be ok with possibly never being a size 3 again.

photos me at 17
Holding my son with my husband for the 1st time
36 weeks pregnant
4weeks postpartum

Holding My Son Makes it All Go Away (Erika)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

Number of pregnancies-1.

I found out two years ago that I had PCOS. I was also told that I had a very low chance of having kids, since both of my ovaries were so covered in cysts. I was then with an abusive boyfriend and was almost relieved to hear that news..I finally got out of that relationship and met a wonderful guy. We fell in love instantly and I consumed my self with him. I got pregnant only a few months into the relationship after moving thousands of miles away from my family with my then fiancee(now husband) for his work transfer..My pregnancy was great..I only gained weight in my belly and was 8 months with no stretch marks..Then my 9th month came and so did the marks! I felt horrible at the time..I had no mom or friends around to help boost my self-esteem. I relyed on my man, which helped but didn’t help completely. I was two weeks over due and went to the hospital to be induced..I was in labour for 36 hours which ended with a c-section due to my son not applying enough pressure to elp my fully dilate.(even with all the medical help possible!!) The first few days home I was so consumed with pain and being a new mother I didnt take the time to look at myself in the mirror. About a week and half after the birth I looked for the first time and broke down in tears..I was shocked at my stretch marks and scar it was so surreal. Now I my son is a little over a month old..and I feel a little better everyday..but nothing tops the feeling I get when I hold him and gaze into those baby blues..Knowing my body created somthing so wonderful, breathtaking and perfect makes my imperfections turn into perfections. Then tonight I found this site..and it has helped so much..I really hope enough people read it and realize what the media shows is an image/version that “we” created..not “god”. It’s not the truth..there for it is not “true-beauty” and we need to stress this more so our kids can have the self-esteem they deserve!!

2 Kids in 2 Years (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 20 Comments

Age: 26
5 months pp
Children: 2, 5 months

I am having a hard time adjusting to the new “me.” Everyone tells you that you can not imagine how changed your life will be after children, and it is, down to the smallest detail. Suddenly your time is not your own, your identity and worth is inexorably intertwined with this tiny human, and even your body does not fully belong to you anymore.

I don’t recognize the body I see in the mirror. I see an old lady’s stomach. A flabby pooch where my babies once grew. Breasts, so full of milk now. that will flag and deflate the second they are no longer needed. I see stretchmarks tattooing my virgin skin, and wrinkles around my navel. Who knew a belly button could grow wrinkles?

But then I stop looking in the mirror. Who has time for that these days anyway? I will probably never love this new body of mine, but I have two new bodies to love. Two pieces of my heart, laughing, growing, loving. And that’s all anybody needs.

Updated here.

I have all the battle scars of carrying a child for 9 months, yet I am a childless mother. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 21 Comments

Age: 22
7 1/2 months postpartum
1 pregnancy

I found out i was pregnant on Aug. 5th 2009. I was 20 years old and my husband and I couldnt be anymore excited. Most of my life i had mange to stay skinny even though it was very much a struggle for me. Im 5′ 1″ and my average weight was always around 115 my lowest being around 102. After getting married i did get a little lazy and put on a lot of weight going up to 180. I began to work out and got down to 150 when i found out that I was pregnant. It was much a surprise since my husband and I hadnt used protection for about 2 years and were getting worried about not being able to conceive. On October 20th we found out that we were having a baby girl. At first i didnt gain too much weight or get very many stretchmarks but then at about 33 weeks I blew up and was coverd in strechies.
Friends and Family couldnt stop talking about how much weight i had gained. They would go on and on about how big of a baby I was going to have and how there was no way I would lose the weight after. I was even told by someone that I was just going to be fat and ugly afterwards and I should just get over ever being skinny and pretty. By the time I hit 38weeks I had gained a total of about 88lbs. My mom supported me through it all though and kept me confident that even though I did gain too much weight, that she knew how I’ve always been able to stay thin and that I would lose weight this time too.
As my due date approached I became overwhelmingly excited. I was so ready to have this little girl home with me. On Saturday March 27th 2010 My doctor sent me to the hospital to get monitored because my blood presure was a little high and I had been really swollen for quit sometime. He tried everything to find a good enough reason to induce me but he couldnt find one, so I was sent home. My doctor told me though that he would induce me for sure on wednesday. To my suprise on March 29th I went into labor on my own. I was exactly 38 weeks. I went to the hospital and was in lots of pain but so ready to do this and have my Daughter in my arms already, but something was wrong. They couldnt find my Daughters heartbeat.
Within an hour it was confirmed that my daughter had passed away. Her unbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I felt as if my heart was litteraly ripped out of my chest. I have never nor will I ever feel so much pain. After 15 hrs of Labor I gave birth to my Beautiful Sleeping BabyGirl. She weight 5lbs 3oz. and was 17in. long. Yes, She was so tiny. She had tons of amazing black hair, long eye lashes and the most perfect little lips. She looked just like her daddy. Her funeral was on April 1st.
It was going to be hard enough having to lose so much weight but now I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed or even began to think about working out. I hated going anywhere. I always think that people look at me and think she is just fat because I have no child to explain that I was pregnant for 9 months and I did give birth to a baby. but eventually I began to work out again.
I’ve had major issues with my body my whole life. When I was 15 it was to the point that I would go days without eating. Now I couldnt even stand to look at myself. I had stretch marks on the back of my knees, my thighs, my stomach, my back, butt, hips, boobs, arms, just everywhere. I couldnt even attempt to where jeans. Nothing fit me right. I could only where stretch pants or sweats.
I have been working my butt off in the last 5 months. I started to see a difference and was happy. I knew my husband was a little put off by how heavy I am but I didnt think he had a major issue with it since he knew I was trying really hard to get it off. Untill recently when I found out he was cheating on me with a itty bitty skinny girl and then had the nerve to compare me to a barley 20 year old girl who has never had a child by saying “well when I seen her naked, I thought, My wife use to look this good but not anymore” If my self esteem wasnt already shattered it is now. Anyways I am currently seperated and proud to say that I have lost 65lbs so far. I weight 175lbs. and I’m not stoppin anytime soon. I excersie everyday and eat healthy. I still feel very disgusted with my body and dont think I will ever be able to be naked infront of a man again but atleast I can wear jeans now and little things like that im greatful for.

First photo: Pre pregnancy 2ndphoto: 7 weeks 3rdphoto: 38weeks 4thphoto: 2day PP 5thphoto: a little over 7mths PP

Updated here.

You’re Beautiful to Me (Angela)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 18 Comments

~Age: 44
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 14 & 11 years old

I find it ironic that I appreciate my body now more than I did when it was a relatively tight little thing in high school. I used to curse what I called a “pot belly” and would wear oversized sweatshirts to hide it. Over two decades later my tight little pot belly is softened, scarred and sagging in places, yet I can now look in the mirror and rejoice in the beauty of my body. I no longer try to hide it, but wear clothes that reveal my curves and in which I feel feminine and sexy. I also now know that my body is not just for looks and I appreciate and feel grateful for all its blessings. First of all, it gets me through my life just fine: I walk, skip and dance. I give and receive hugs. I make love. I’ve made and nourished babies. I am strong, flexible and healthy!

When I see teenaged girls and young twenty-somethings with bodies similar to the one I had, I just laugh to myself and think “I used to have that cute little body and I didn’t even appreciate it!” When I see teenaged girls and young twenty-somethings with bodies larger than the one I had wearing cute outfits and strutting their stuff confidently, I am filled with a longing to have had that kind of confidence when I was their age.

I didn’t treat myself very well as a young woman and I now ask her for forgiveness: “Forgive me, dear girl, for not appreciating you. Forgive me for discounting your beauty and your worth. Forgive me for trying to hide you and all your love and light from the world.”

But how did I get from self-loather to self-lover? It’s something I’ve been actively working on since my late twenties when someone suggested I look into my own eyes in a mirror and tell myself “I love you.” Have you ever tried that? I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with myself! But I did it anyway, even though I felt like a liar as I uttered the words.

After I had children, I was struck by the way they and my husband loved to touch my belly; they told me it felt good! So I tried it. I closed my eyes and pretended I had no judgements about my belly. I touched, caressed and kneaded. I felt the texture of the skin, the softness of the fat and the firmness of the muscle. I felt the smooth parts and the bumpy parts; the taught parts and the parts that fold over. I was surprised that I was actually enjoying this very sensual experience! From that moment on I vowed not only to look at myself in the mirror lovingly and appreciatively, but to touch myself lovingly and appreciatively as well, and I can honestly say that I now mean it when I tell myself “I love you!”

In case you’re wondering, YES I still treat myself unkindly at times! If my clothes don’t look or feel right for whatever reason, I can easily spiral into a desperate place. If I’m going somewhere where I think there might be people who may judge me harshly, I feel anxiously insecure. Luckily, I’m very creative with clothes and I’ll try on item after item until I come up with a combination in which I feel at least presentable. And I feel grateful to my husband for being so patient while I fling clothes all over the room as I make us late for a party.

I’ve learned to be very kind and patient and compassionate with the self-loather in me. After all, she’s just a girl who got hurt by some pretty insensitive and sometimes cruel remarks when she was at the tender and confusing age of adolescence. She’s still trying to protect me by hiding me. It’s up to me, the woman I’ve become, to hold her lovingly and calm her fears: “It’s OK sweety – you’re beautiful to me!”

121410-angela-1

Will I Ever Be Happy? (Renee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Original entry here.

25
17 1/2 weeks postpartum
1 pregnancy, 1 birth

I am now almost 18 weeks postpartum, and have 7lbs of the 65lbs I gained left to lose. It seem I am stuck. But, I look absolutely nothing like I used to and it makes so depressed. No matter what I’m doing, it seems like I’m destined to still look a little pregnant. I know a lot of people say they have so much excess skin that they have to tuck it into their pants….and I’m happy I’m not like that. But I can’t tell if it’s all fat or all skin or what hanging on my tummy. I love my son and husband, but I hate myself. I’ve even done days where I’d eat one little meal and nothing else…I just don’t get it. Why does pregnancy have to do this to us?

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 19 Comments

My 1st child
I am 26 yrs old
I had a c section due to my baby heart rate dropping. I am not proud of my body at all. I had a really good doctor deliver my daughter. You cant see my incision. I am 2 1/2 months postpartum but my daughter will be 3 months nov. 15th 2010. I want a flat belly again but I dont know if I ever will because of the c section. Its like the incision is a shelf for fat. I am back to my pre pregnancy weight which is 123lbs. I just want to lose the stomach and the nasty stretch marks. I feel disgusting. I was already suicidal and now this is the icing. But I want to be with my daughter. I am married but my husband says im being foolish so I keep my feelings to myself now. I dont know what to do.

Admitting It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 28 Comments

I found out I was pregnant on Thanksgiving Day 2009. I just kind of knew, and I took a pregnancy test early that morning. I then ran to the store and took several more — all positive. My emotions were all over the place, as the father was someone I was only casually dating and I had no idea what his reaction would be. We had faithfully been using protection. I told him a few weeks later, and his reaction was not a good one. It became evident early on that he was choosing not to be involved. Though I regularly sent him updates during my pregnancy, we haven’t spoken in 10 months. So I settled into the reality that I was going to be a single mother, and struggled with the stigma that is unfortunately attached to that title. I suffered from depression throughout my pregnancy, but was carried through by an amazing support system of friends, my midwife and a social worker I had been seeing. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes around 24 weeks and struggled to control it with diet until the end of my pregnancy. Unfortunately, my blood sugar got out of control toward the end (this is typical of GD) and I was hospitalized and put on insulin. I stayed in the hospital the last two weeks of my pregnancy, and my daughter was born vaginally on July 20, 2010.

I’ve never been a petite woman, and I guess I have always technically been “plus-sized.” I was a size 16 pre-pregnancy and weighed around 210 lbs. I never really had issues with body image though — I liked my breasts and knew how to dress my body to feel attractive. I gained around 40 lbs during my pregnancy, and the last month or so stretch marks started to appear everywhere. They weren’t just on my belly, but on my sides, arms, thighs and breasts. They didn’t bother me at the time as all my focus was on trying to stay healthy enough to deliver a full-term baby (I was just over 37 weeks when she was born).

I’m now almost 4 months post-partum, and I’ve been lying to everyone concerning how I feel about my body. I’ve told people that I’m proud of my stretch marks, that my breasts are feeding my child so its ok that they are saggy, that I’ve accepted that my stomach hangs down and I’m fine with it. I’m not. Taking pictures for this submission was the first time I have stood fully naked in front of a mirror since having my daughter, and I hate what I see. I have stretch marks for days and if I sit down without a bra I can actually make my nipples touch my belly button! My belly is all fat and loose skin and it hangs down horribly. I have two pairs of sweatpants that I switch off, and that’s all I wear. If I wear fitted pants you can see the pooch of my belly and it just looks so awful. I haven’t worn “real” clothes in months. When I did try and buy some better fitting clothes I found that even a pair of size 20 jeans were too small. I couldn’t bring myself to try on the 22s. I make excuses to myself and everyone else that as a new single mother its my “right” to wear sweats as long as I want. I don’t want to. I have to.

Here is my biggest fear. I’ve never admitted it, but here it is. I don’t think that I’ll ever find a man who will be able to see me as anything other than “damaged goods.” I truly believe that, at 24, I have no choice but to be single for the rest of my life. Of course people say its what’s on the inside that counts…but we all know that’s not always true, especially to men. They want what they see splashed all over the television and in magazines, and even if I lose 100 lbs I will never look like that. Ever. I feel unloveable. There. I said it. I love my daughter, and I will willingly sacrifice anything for her. And I did — I sacrificed my body.

~Your Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3.5 months

5 Weeks PP, Almost There (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

I’m a 24 yr old women who just had a beautiful baby boy on october 1st of this year via emergency c section due to fetal distress. My c section was very painful I never been in so much pain and I was a little sad I didn’t deliever vaginal. I’m five weeks pp and I must say my body is changing back very nicely. This is my first baby and first pregnancy so when I found out I was shocked but very happy! Here’s my story. In 2008 (april) I was 168 pounds standing about 5’7 I hated my body I hated my boobs which was a size 36DD my belly my face and cheeks my weight always ended up never in the places I wanted it to be. I was just tired of being thick so I set out on a journey to lose about 20 pounds and I ended up losing 60. I went from a 36 DD to a 32 B, a size 32 to a size 24 which is a zero. I hit my 60 pound goal in (june) of that year. I change the way I ate and live no fastfoods sodas or juices just healthy natural wholefoods (fruits and veggies) only chicken and fish. I started cooking and walking more and the weight just fell off I got down to 108 and was underweight and a little to thin so I started working out and put on weight really healthy as well as muscle. I had amazing abs/ small waist small arms nice long legs I just loved going shopping and putting on clothes I took my body for granted and didn’t apprecaite at all. The saying you don’t miss something until its gone. So when I got pregnant I was very sacred of getting big and getting a ton of strecth marks on my tummy (how vain) yes I know. Funny I didn’t get a single one on my tummy (mama mio) tummy rub which I believe worked cuz I had some strecth marks on my butt from puberty which I just knew was going to come on my tummy. I started googling post baby tummy and found this website and that gave me hope but also freaked me the hell out I must say ( the real life stories) but I continue to gained weight (healthy) and blossom as my baby and tummy started growing I cared but didn’t it was nothing I could physical do that could stop me from gaining weight or getting strecth marks I continue to walk a lot and enjoyed foods (cake) I love the way I looked in pregnancy.my belly was round, my breast were nice and ripe, my skin was amazing, my hair and nails grew I got complients from both sexes it was a great experience. I just thought like many women ur body would just snapped back (123 after birth)but it takes time. My mother told me her stomach went flat days after and she left the hospital looking like she never push out a baby. You can imagaine I started thinking that would happen to me boyyy was I wrong I gained about 25 pounds I went from 130 to 155 I left the hospital at 152 five days later still looking about five months preggers I was a little shocked at how my body looked I had huge breasts ( went from a 32B to a whopping 32F) they hurt like hell they were so swollen and very painful I couldn’t move cause I was in so much pain I was severly stopped up annother side of a c section when I did have a bowel movement it was so painful. I looked in the mirror and this is what I saw: a dark line running down my tummy thick thighs a soft very soft tummy that jiggle when I walked or move a fatter face and bigger arms. I said to myself how could this be? I gained the right amount of weight I already had a nice figure b4 baby why isn’t it looking back to how I use to? The answer is I just had a baby that’s how and it took time for me to gained the weight and it will take me time to lose it. I kept telling myself that but I just didn’t like my body I was only a couple of weeks pp (silly) I know but hey how you feel about yourself effects your life in every way and I worked so hard so I just didn’t want to let go of what I looked like just a few short months ago. I was just shocked my pre preggers jeans didn’t fit I had a tummy and leaking breasts ( I pump) no one told me this (its like the secret) to motherhood. No one told me that the weight takes time to come off so when I went for my two week post scar check up I weighed 142 pounds and looked very much like I did. My scar was healing I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I was a little upset (hormones) I started working out 2 weeks pp just walking and doing light excersises to help my abs regain strength which helped my skin attach back to the muscle. My body is amazing it helped grow my baby, this amazing little boyy who is so perfect (to me) my body may not be model thin or bikini ready but it will be. I haven’t been on the scale since but my six week pp appointment is coming up I’m happy cause I know I lost more weight I can see and feel the difference as soon as I’m in the clear I would love to start running a couple days out the week, I know my body will come back I try to have a postive out look I eat healthy and in small porportions I listen to my body when I need rest I rest (try 2) and most of all I’m enjoying my lil man I could hold him forever. Its not easy it takes time and work I’m like many people I like things to happen over night which is just not real. I now really apprecaite my body and all that it did/does for me, motherhood is such an amazing experience I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I kind of wish I would have truly enjoyed the weight gained and not got upset when the number on the scale went up (that’s one thing I would have changed) I wished I would have embraced it more. I know next time what to expect (I want more kids) and I’m going to enjoy it and welcome the weight gain as a sign that I’m something short of amazing. I included some pics the first three pics are me pre pregnancy, the second one is me preggers and the third two pics is me two weeks pp and the last three pics is me a five weeks pp!

Updated here.

One Day at a Time (Lu Ella)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

The hardest part of dealing with my postpartum body? For me is the bipolar-ness of it all. I gained 52 pounds while pregnant with my daughter, and about half the time I am comparing the body I have now to the one I most recently inhabited: one that was 9 months pregnant. During this half of the time I feel fantastic! Thin, and beautiful, and sexy, and limber, etc. etc. The other 50% of the time I am comparing the body I have now to the one I had most of my life: a professional modern dancer who was always fit, shapely, and pretty damn skinny. This half of the time I feel fat, and flabby, and stretch marked, and out of shape, and stiff, and old, and about as un-sexy as you can get. I yo-yo back and forth between these states of mind multiple times each day. I’m only 3 months pp now, and trying my best to take life, and my new body, one day at time. Mostly, I try to concentrate on my beautiful baby…

~Your Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months

First photo: right after my positive pregnancy test
Second Photo: 39 weeks pregnant
Third photo: my beautiful daughter (3 days old)
Fourth photo: 3 months postpartum.
Fifth photo: 3 months postpartum.