Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Looking at My Future With Fear (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

My age: 31
Number of pregnancies: 2
Age of my child: 18 months
31 weeks with second pregnancy

I had made it to the ripe age of 28 without giving the though of having children the time of day. Then my husband broached the subject after his younger brother celebrated the arrival of his second child. I won’t lie, I was cautious about the idea, my body being my main concern. After years of dealing with depression and various eating disorders I was finally at a place where things seemed okay. I had found a sport I loved, long distance trail running, and I had maintained a healthy weight for three years, something I had never dreamed of. Of course I had the idea that I, unlike many women, would be able to control every aspect of my pregnancy and come out of everything much the same as I went in. This proved to be my greatest folly. I had a bit of a struggle getting pregnant, which became my ultimate goal for months, if not my obsession. Being a perfectionist I constantly fight with having control over everything, and doing everything to the ninth degree.

When my doctor started making plans for my husband and I to see a fertility specialist I found out I was pregnant. My joy was short lived when I was placed on bed rest 5 days later with spotting and cramps. I was told that my body was threatening to miscarry and the best I could do was to keep my feet up and wait. Wait, me? The first thought in my head was, when can I get back to the gym. Of course I was horribly concerned about the baby, but old habits die hard and my weight was also at the forefront of my concerns. I made it to nine weeks and was sent back to work after a second ultrasound confirmed that all was well. Then at 18 weeks I was pulled off work again and put on modified bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Talk about losing control. My emotions were up and down due to the pregnancy, my own depression and the fear I had for my child. I managed to eat pretty healthy for the majority of the pregnancy and gained 40 lbs which I was not overly happy with, but I carried quite well. In the end my son arrived 2 days past my due date, apparently he came to the conclusion that it was rather comfy in Mommy’s tummy. I had a difficult labour which lasted 30 hours and ended in an emergency c section due to my son’s position. I was not upset about not having a natural labor ( at the time ) and was happy to have three days in the hospital with the nurses to show me the ropes. I healed really well and enjoyed nursing my son for 13 months. During my 12 months post partum I was not surprised to find out that I had PPD, but what I was surprised about was how difficult it is to be a Mother. My husband is a sub contractor and thus he has to put in long hours when the work is there, mostly to compensate for the slow season in his trade. Fortunately the recession has not affected him too much, unfortunately this means my husband is rarely home. Time to myself and help with my son has become a luxury. None of my friends have or want children and I have had to limit my interactions with my Mom due to some lines that have been crossed on her part. Daycare has been annexed by our paediatrician because of the number of times my son came home sick and the severity with which the illnesses would affect him. It was during one of his colds 7 months ago that I became sick as well and found out I was pregnant. I must have conceived within days of his first birthday which seemed like a miracle after my attempts to get pregnant the first time. I wound up taking 4 pregnancy tests at home and then seeing my GP for a test before I went in to see my obstetrician. When I found out I was pregnant I had only just grown comfortable with my son’s routine and had found time to workout and take care of myself. I was upset that I still had 10 lbs to lose and a lot of toning to do but I thought I would be able to maintain what ground I had gained. Then the morning sickness hit, I had never dealt with this in my first pregnancy and most definitely not to the degree where I had to be placed on medication. I was one of those women who found that eating helped calm the sickness, and that’s when the scary weight gain started. At this time I also seemed to become ill every time my son came home with something, which was approximately every two weeks. I am now 8 months pregnant and have gained 40 lbs in addition to the 10 extra pounds I started with. I fear seeing my doctor and stepping on the scale, which humiliates and saddens me. I should love going in for my appointments, as I did with my first son, there is nothing like hearing your child’s heart beat. I am overextended, exhausted and have little patience for my 18 month old, who is a bundle of little boy energy. I hate myself and the future I see for myself. I feel as though I can barely manage with one child and dealing with two seems impossible. It has taken forever to get my son to sleep nine hours a day, I don’t know when I am going to rest with two kids under the age of two, let alone when I am going to be able to put some focus back on myself. It seems as though I have a target on my back when it comes to other people’s opinions. I hate being judged within a glance or based on someone else’s preconceived notions. My doctors blasé comments about my weight gain and the lack of support I am receiving from my family and friends seems to be making matters worse. If people knew about the dramatic changes that have happened within my family life the last two years I don’t think they would be so quick to believe that they could do better. I am truly at the end of my rope. Sometimes I hate being a Mom and resent my family. I worry about failing as a parent, most especially in the ways that my parents failed me. I feel so detached from the baby I am carry now, because everything I have is being spent on my son.

Who am I? What have I become?

first picture: 7 months before my first pregnancy
second picture: 4 days after I found out I was pregnant, 5 weeks pregnant, I had to put on weight to help get pregnant
I have no post partum picture as I refused to be photographed
last 4 pictures: me as of today 31 weeks pregnant with second child

Updated here.

I Wish I Would Have Known (Khanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 23 Comments

~Your Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months

~Pre-pregancy weight- 113 pds
~Weight gained during pregnancy- 35 pds
~Post- pregnancy weight- 106 pds

I had my twin boys at 38 weeks they were 6 lb 7 oz and 6 lb 2 oz, 12 pounds of baby!!. I am 5’7 and gained 35 lbs with the pregnancy totaling to 149 and because I had been so thin my entire life couldn’t stand the weight I gained even though it was all just in my belly.

After I gave birth to my twin boys I suffered through postpartum depression and just four months before I gave birth I found out that my boyfriend at the time of 3 years that I was hoping to marry had another relationship with another woman for the entire duration of our relationship. So now I’m a single mother, I’m alone and I didn’t realize to the extent that my body would change. I wish someone in my entire life would’ve told me that this is what you will look like once you have a child. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my boys but I wish I would’ve been mentally prepared.

My friends and family think I’m crazy because I lost all of the pre-pregnancy weight and they say of course you don’t even look like I had a baby or when they do see me with a bathing suit on: Well you look good for having twins.. I want to look good because I look good not because I had a baby. I feel people don’t understand that losing weight is entirely different from the integrity of your skin (the wrinkles and stretch marks). Some days I feel really positive and say that it’ll change and it’ll get better. On other days like now..lol, I feel like who would want me now, I’m damaged goods mentally and physically from a previous relationship and can’t help but think when guys compliment me on my fully clothed body that I’m deceiving them because I have wrinkles in my tummy. I feel totally closed off to any sort of relationship because of how I look.

I never really cared about the stretch marks and just wanted my old tummy back with my old belly button which is an outie now and was an innie-outie before. The stretch marks are gradually fading away remarkably. I have put myself on a workout plan and have given myself until the twins are two to fully recover. Hopefully my esteem will come back and I’ll just focus on being strong for my boys, and raising them. Men have no idea what we women go through I wonder what they’d looked like after having a baby…lol

Flames (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Back, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 2 Comments

I am a 37 yo mama of two children. I have been pregnant 3 times: one miscarriage, one natural birth in the hospital, and one home birth. My children are now 14 and 11 years old. I paint my stretch marks every Halloween as flames to honor the power of my body and the love I feel for my children! They have changed me body, mind, and soul.

120710-heather-1

Happy on the Outside (DeAnna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

I am the mother of 2 gorgeous children. I am 22 years old. I had my daughter at age 19. I always had a very cute figure so the sudden change my body took after having my daughter left me in a horrible postpartum depression. I had horrible stretch marks covering my stomach. I started working out & eventually got the baby weight off in about a year, but the stretch marks kept me down. I ended up having the laser removal which didnt remove the marks but certainly made them less noticeable. I was finally back to a good confident attitude & was back in my bikini and loving myself again! Then 2 years later I got married to a wonderful man & we had our son Sept 27, 2010. I gained about 15 more pounds with him than I did my daughter which has now resulted in more stretch marks and baggy, saggy skin. I ended up with a emergency c section and now am left with this dreaded post c section pooch. I was so happy to find this website to see Im not alone. I know Im only about 5 weeks postpartum, but Im still pretty hard on myself. I plan to work out and get the weight off, but Im just having a really hard time with my self confidence. Right before I gave birth to my son I caught my husband talking to his ex wife behind my back which really hurt me. Now, with that in the back of my head, my confidence level is at a all time low and Im so paranoid since I feel like I look digusting he will think the same and cheat on me. We are trying to work through our issues and although things are better I still beat myself up on the inside. I refuse to let him see me naked. He dosent understand why I run and hide in the bathroom to change clothes and I always lock the door even to shower. I just cant bare to let him see me like this. I seem to be a very happy person on the outside, but I am so depressed when it comes down to it. I love my children and I wouldnt give them up for the most perfect body in the world, but I have to figure out how to accept my body. Like I mentioned before with time, working out, & this website I know I can get there eventually & its good to know Im not alone.

age: 22
births: 2…1 vaginal 1 c section
childrens age: 2 & 1 month

Five Years Postpartum (Stephanie)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

age 33
1 pregnancy

I really loved this website when I came across it. It is great to see what real moms look like not what the media makes up feel like we should look like. I gained 40 pounds with my son but have since lost all the extra weight but my body will never be the same. Even though I weigh less then I did before I had him I now have a little belly and loose skin on my stomach as well as a nice c-section scar and strech marks from breasts to my inner thighs. My breasts are quite a bit saggier then prepregnancy as well but whenever I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see I try to remember what a great thing I got to go along with all my new imperfections.

120610-stephanie-1

Accepting My Body After Baby (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

`Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum are you: 11 months post partum

I last posted on here when I was 6months PP.

Since my last post, I gained 1.5kg (3.3pounds)… then managed to lose 9kg (19.84pounds) (I lost 6kg )13.2pounds) in a month with the help of duramine, and the other 3kg (6.6pounds) fell off in the month after after and it has stayed off completely in the months since). I’m back at 169kg (152pounds) and down to an Australian size 10-12 (US 6-8) and I’m pretty happy with that… I’d love to lose another 6-9kg, but I don’t think it’s going to happen and I’m not that eager to starve myself, I just wanted to get back into a healthy weight range, which I am now. I’m still not that keen on the squishy, stretched and scarred skin which adorns my belly, but I’ve accepted it at least, and I’m not going to betting into a bikini again, but might brave a tankini this summer :)

I also got engaged in July, my fiance Dave proposed on stage at a concert for one of my favourite Australian country bands, The McClymonts, and the ring he gave me was his Nanna’s engagement ring… the video of the proposal is on youtube.

My baby boy is growing into a happy, healthy, handsome little man who sleeps through the night most nights, he’s just gorgeous with his blonde hair, blue eyes and dimples, and he is absolutely my entire world.

I go to sleep every night in the arms of the man I love, and wake in the morning to a smile from a baby boy who makes the sun look dull in comparisan… so I figure I’ve not got much of a right to complain too much about the things that aren’t perfect in my life, because I’ve got it pretty darn good :)

The first 3 photos were taken earlier today, the fourth is of my baby Kevin in late September, the 5th is me 2 weeks ago side on and the 6th is before I lost the weight with my fiance and Kevin on the night that Dave proposed

I Feel I Will Never be Satisfied With My Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 15 Comments

After having my first child at age 16 eventually i got back down to my pre pregnancy weight and had a body i loved and felt beautiful in, but now that i have givin birth 2 more times in the last two years i think i have done permenent damage, i just feel i will never be happy with my body unless it looks like it did when i weighed 98 lbs…i just wish i could be thankful for the body i have! the picture is from when i was 10 weeks postpartum

age: 23
number of births: 3
age of children: 7- 22mos -4mos

Own Your Beauty: Creativity

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News, Own Your Beauty 1 Comment

Karen’s post went up yesterday talking about how important creativity is to owning your beauty. It’s an excellent post; I found myself nodding along the whole way through. Creativity isn’t something out of your reach – it’s something you already do every day, and something that truly enhances the soul the more you intentionally practice it (am I’m not talking just about making “art”). Go, read it. Be inspired. Make a vision board – I know I will (and I will probably post about it on my personal blog).

Also, did you know Karen’s book has been released? Check it out, it’s beautiful and, frankly, I think would make a perfect gift for any woman.

Shape of a Loss (Nicole)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

First entry here.

In a parallel universe, I am just weeks away from the birth of my second child. I am more confident about the impending labour than the first time around, but a bit nervous too. I am even more nervous about managing life with two kids under two! I am unpacking, washing and folding the baby clothes, setting up the bassinet. Buying breast pads. Feeling uncomfortable and tired, but loving watching my stretched belly squirm and writhe as I imagine where those little feet lodged under my ribs will one day run.

In this universe, my belly harbours no mystery. It is full of nothing more exciting than my lunch. My breasts are empty, although I wear a nursing bra from which I feel obligated to get my money’s worth, despite my son weaning himself four months ago. The only evidence that things could be different is a yellow card in a drawer with my medical records, the last entry reading “11 weeks amenorrhea. PV bleeding. USS 4/5/10 – IU pregnancy no FHR. CRL only 4.9mm and gest sac 15.6. P/V – Cx closed. Bleeding minimum. Adv: Conservative management.”

And these photos, taken weekly from when my doctor confirmed my pregnancy, to the day before I started bleeding and we found out that for more than a month, there had been no baby anymore.

I am a mother of two. I just only have one to show for it.

Closing in on D-Day (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 8 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Age: 23
Pregnancies/births: currently pregnant with first

Hello again. This is gonna be a long one… I’ve been checking this site nearly every day since I first found out I was pregnant. I thought it was great, especially since I had so many fears and hangups about what I would look like after I gave birth. Well, I’m nearly 36 weeks now, and I gotta say, I’m sick of being pregnant, and would be willing to put up with almost anything if it meant I’d never have to be pregnant again. I have yet to feel that warm, wholesome feeling I hear women talk about: how they are a vessel for life, the miracle of birth, etc. My mother-in-law goes on and on about how she looooooved being pregnant, and if she could, she’d always be pregnant. I hear that and it scares the crap out of me because I don’t know how anyone can enjoy this, and I’ve had a ridiculously easy pregnancy. At least I don’t resent my soon-to-be son for what his gestation is doing to me. I just want him to thank me by hurrying up and finishing baking.
If you read my other posts, you’ll know I had an eating disorder for many years. And just before my pregnancy I relapsed pretty hard and was making myself vomit about 14-21 times a week. I immediately stopped when I discovered I was pregnant (I admit to a few week moments, but I’ve been doing everything in my power to ensure my son is born strong and healthy). My issue with this– as anyone who has ever dieted knows– is that I thought I knew where to start my “Preggo-Pounds Watch.” I thought I should start counting as soon as I found out I was pregnant (155 lbs) but maybe I should have started counting when I started eating regularly again… Everyone knows when you go back to eating regularly after a diet that you gain it back and then some… So maybe I don’t know how much I’ve actually gained? I’m trying to make peace with that. I was 186 lbs this morning, but I honestly can’t figure out how I’ve gained that much. The last few weeks I haven’t had much of an appetite. So now I’m in this “should I even care?” limbo that is SO not like me.

At my last appointment I asked my doctor about my back pain. I wish it were sciatica so I could just feel that pleasant electrocution run down my leg. But no, it’s not. It’s a small area the size of a quarter that goes from 0-9 on the pain scale with no warning (it doesn’t get worse or better, it either hurts like hell or it doesn’t). Walking, getting out of bed, moving my foot from the gas to the brake, putting on socks, rolling over… anything that required my right leg to move would make that one little area stab me. Basically the doctor said, go to physical therapy or ride it out. Because apparently that’s my pelvis coming apart *sigh* And just for the sake of saying it: GROUP B STREP TEST SUCKS. I know you’re all thinking it, so don’t pretend like you’re not. I had the option of doing it myself, and that was bad enough…

My older sister was my pregnancy-due-date-buddy; but she started leaking amniotic fluid at 32 weeks. They kept her in the hospital until 35 weeks and she gave birth a few days ago. When I got the first pictures of my second nephew, I couldn’t believe it… he’s so small… I really feel like I couldn’t look away. One of these red, wrinkled creatures was going to be in my arms soon; going to come home with me. It was a weird feeling. My mom called me afterward, asked me if I was okay because I was *still* pregnant and my sister wasn’t, lol. I’m a little jealous she has an October baby.

All-in-all, I’m really doing my best to be “okay” with my weight gain. It’s not easy for someone like me. It’s like locking someone who’s claustraphobic in a closet for nine months. I asked my husband to hide the bathroom scale so I’d stop weighing myself five times a day– he didn’t hide it all that well, but now I only weigh myself every few days. I don’t know how I could have gotten this far without him helping me every step of the way. About once a week I freak out about my weight; I almost hyperventilated when I found my first stretch mark and it took him nearly 3 hours to calm me back down (I now have five small ones, all on the underside of my belly); he’s always telling me I’m beautiful and that he’s positive I’ll go back to my pre-baby body within a few weeks (my mom said she did this in 6 weeks without any exercise… so I’m kinda hoping those genetics were expressed in me).

Some people have told me why should I worry about my weight, I’m gonna have a whole lot more to worry about once my son arrives. I was pretty nervous at first, about being a mom, that is. But I’ve read a lot, accepted that no mom is perfect and that as long as I don’t try to be supermom, I’ll do a great job. I know I’ll have no trouble loving him, he’s a little piece of his father, and I love *him* more than anything. Even being a military wife and knowing my husband won’t be here to help me for some of it doesn’t worry me. I know I’m strong, and that me and my husband together are even stronger. So I’m not really worried about motherhood at all. It shouldn’t be too much longer now, though. Only 24 days, if I deliver right on my due date. Doc says Baby Aleksandr is in the heads-down position, that’s one step closer!! When I finally get my first real contraction, I might cry with joy. I have the entire Month Nine and Labor and Delivery chapters of What to Expect memorized right now.

So as for how I’m feeling as I write this…. I’m tired of not being able to see my feet. I’m tired of having that pain in my back. I’m tired of my bladder being abused. I’m tired of my ribs getting kicked. I’m tired of sleeping away half the day. I’m tired of grunting when I roll over or try to get out of bed. I’m tired of that tight, I’m-gonna-pop-feeling taking up my entire torso. I can’t wait to be able to run again. I can’t wait to be able to touch my toes without holding my breath. I can’t wait to have a body that moves normally again. And the strange thing is, when I focus on all those things— being able to run, not having a watermelon bouncing on my pelvis, touching my toes, and yes to make freaky love to my husband— I don’t even care about how my body looks. If I never lose all my baby weight, if my skin remains stretched out and my belly button gets that live-in look… I’ll still get to own my body again and be able to physically do all the things that are so hard/difficult/impossible to do right now. Even with flab and stretch marks weighign me down, I think I’ll feel lighter than air….

First pic: 29 weeks
Second pic: 31 weeks (at my baby shower)
Third pic: 34 weeks
Fourth pic: 35 weeks
Fifth & sixth pic: 36.5 weeks

Updated here.