Submissions

30 Years in the Making (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

My journey from hating myself to, well, not hating myself as much.

Age: 30 Pregnancies: 1 Births: 1 via C-Section on 4/26/2011 Stay at home mom

I am almost 8 months PP and think I am finally becoming more comfortable with myself after being insecure for most of my life. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Isabella via Cesarean Section. I was 2 weeks past my due date and she was nowhere near where she needed to be. We found out that her cord was wrapped around her neck twice, and that if she did actually drop down into my pelvis, it would have been a much different outcome. She was a healthy 8.1 pounds and 21 inches and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I gained close to 50 pounds with the pregnancy, and was 192 before I went into the hospital. 2 weeks after coming home, I wound up in the hospital with excessive bleeding that no doctor could determine where it was coming from. All these factors lead to a very long recovery time, over 2 months. Before I got pregnant, I was in the gym everyday working to make myself feel better about my body. I am a certified personal trainer, and know exactly what needs to be done to look your best and be at your healthiest (even at my healthiest, thinnest point, I had very, very low self confidence) . Well, after the birth it was a totally different story. I was so unhappy with my body, yet I was not doing anything about it. My husband would say I’m crazy for getting so upset. I would close myself in the bathroom and cry for long periods of time (still do). I was (am) so so so insecure with myself that I was convinced my husband was cheating on me. And oddly enough, this was ok for me, just sitting, doing nothing about it. Until one night I was feeling so sorry for myself for looking this way, that I was like “I can’t do this to myself anymore.” I signed up for weight watchers that night. When my husband came home from work on a break, I told him I joined up. After his initial reaction (what? Why?!? How much?!) I had to explain that I NEED HELP! At this point, there was no way I can do it on my own. He understood and has been supportive since. That was a month ago. I started at 166 pounds, and am now at 154.5. My belly will not go away no matter how much cardio I do, or how many ab workouts I do. I don’t like the way I look, and refuse to be totally naked in front of my husband. I’m working at it, but in my mind it’s just not coming fast enough. I want to be the girl my husband met 5 years ago. I want to be the thin girl with nice biceps that doesn’t get winded walking the 5 flights to my apartment. I want him to look at me and think damn, I’m lucky. In the past few days, I have thought about a lot of things. I’m not perfect, and I’m not a super model. I carried a little angel in my belly for 9+ months. I’m a good mom, and take care of my daughter and my husband as best as I can. I try to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet. I turned a house into a home, and have a killer personality (lol). I no longer think my husband is cheating on me. I know he loves me, and would do anything for me. I’m not thin, and I don’t think my poochy belly will every go away. But I won’t stop working at it. And that’s all I can do. Every day is a new chance to start over. I love my life, and soon I hope to love myself just as much. And if someone judges me by my weight, or thinks wow she can stand to lose a few pounds, I feel sorry for them. I wouldn’t trade Isabella for the best body in the world. I wanted to share my story because I know I am not alone in feeling this way, and would like to say that once you stop worrying about what other people think (jerks…) you really start to feel better with yourself. It only took me my whole life to realize this…

first picture: The year I met my husband – 135 lbs size 6
second picture: 23 (?) weeks pregnant
Third Picture: 7 1/2 months PP 154.5 lbs
fourth picture: my little Isabella

5 Years Later (Dolly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update 2 Comments

It has been 5 years since the worst day of my life. I lost my daughter . My children at home ( then 3 and 4) were never the same. Since that day I had 2 miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant again my youngest , Jacob (then 7) would ask every day, “mom do you think this baby will come home with us?” I had to believe, I had to trust and I had to allow him to heal. My oldest, Sarah, was not as worried, (then 8) or so it seemed. She never asked, it was not until the baby was born that she seemed to release the fears. She cried and hugged her new sister and told me how she was so afraid to think that this baby may not breath. I never told them I felt that way too. I never told them that I would do kick counts several times a day, that I would cry and talk to her in my womb. I never told them that I had bad dreams.

My greatest fear besides death was that I would call my new daughter Chelsea (her sister in Heaven). I did and often .

With prayer and as Savanna ( born 6-4-11) became part of my daily life, I stopped calling her Chelsea.

Today I am happy to say that Savanna is dearly loved for herself, that my children no longer fear loosing her and that we all cherish her.

Thank you Chelsea, your death made me see so much more clearly how sweet every breath is, how wonderful every smile and how precious every moment is with ALL my children. You served a great calling for such a little person.

We all love you and Savanna will hear about you when she is older.

I love you my sweet baby.

You can read more of my story with my original post and update. And here is her web page.

Thank you for letting me share my story… again

I am currently 40 , I have 3 children 9, 8, and 6 months
I have had 1 stilbirth and 2 miscarriages.

No Comparison (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 24 Comments

We hear so often that celebrities aren’t comparable to real people because they have things we regular mortals can only dream of: trainers, laser treatments, personal chefs, plastic surgeons on site, maternity fashion stylists, spa treatments, etc. And I guess all of that’s true. And I guess I can accept that and not compare myself to them. But what about when your best friend glides through pregnancy in high heels, skinny jeans and with fabulous hair? What about when she walks out of the hospital thinner and less scarred then you were before you ever even thought about having kids? What about when everyone says she must have had such a great pregnancy/post pregnancy body because she had her kid at 23 and nursed. And you did those same things (but at 21!!) and your body looks like a horror story? I wish I could say that I didn’t compare. I wish I could just be happy that not everyone has to go through the mental agony over their bodies that I did after my baby was born. I wish I could realize that maybe others have their own personal trials and not glorify my own image issues so much. Everyone has problems, no one is perfect. I say it to myself every day. Jealousy is wrong because it makes us focus on what we don’t have and takes away our focus from all that we are blessed with. I know this! And yet, I have a very hard time not comparing myself to others. Especially other mothers. I had my baby 2 and half years ago. My best friend had hers three weeks ago: Not a stretch mark, not a drop of extra skin, back in size 2 pants. The stats shouldn’t matter but they do. Everyone has problems, no one is perfect. Everyone has problems, no one is perfect. How bad am I that that thought comforts me? I don’t want my best friend to have problems, but if she doesn’t my own flaws seem so incredibly magnified. It is so easy for me to see the beauty in others. Which might be considered a good trait, except that I use their found beauty to tarnish my own. I’ve worked so hard and the weight was gone quickly but my skin is ruined. I wish someone had told me. I told my friend. She laughed it off and she was right, for her it was a joke. Pregnancy did nothing, she’s said so herself. (In a sweet way, she’s really kind. these issues are my own and not hers, just wanted to make that clear.) I want to be a better person. I want to see others AND myself as beautiful. I want to stop apologizing for my scars. I want to stop feeling like I failed. Everyone has problems, no one is perfect.

I’m 24.
I’ve been pregnant once.
I have one son.
My son is 2 and half years old.
I’ve worked so hard to get here! These pictures might not show that but they’re where I am today:

Mommy to Three Boys (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

Pregnancies: 3
Age: 20
Months PP: 5 months

I was just barely 16 when I got pregnant with my first son. I was 100 pounds when I got pregnant with him, and gained 50 pounds. My A cups went to C cups and I got stretch marks on my breasts. I had no stretch marks on my belly until a week before my due date. ( I got them on my belly, upper thighs and breasts)I had a wonderful pregnancy and my family was very supportive. Shortly before my graduation from high school I became pregnant with my second son, I was also 100 pounds and gained 35 I believe. He came 5 weeks early and was a tiny guy! He spent only 2 weeks in the NICU. I got married to my wonderful husband in June 2010. I had my third son this past summer at the end of June. I weighed 120 pounds when I became pregnant and gained 32 pounds with him. He is 5 months old, so I am 5 months PP. With my last pregnancy I aquired stretch marks AFTER I had him, down by my knees! This shocked me, because it was like 3 or 4 weeks after I delivered him. All my births were induced with pitocin, and I have never had pain medication with them. I have breastfed all my kids! I have always been able to get back down to my Pre-pregnancy weight within 6 weeks, something I credit to breastfeeding. I always loved to go swimming and loved to buy and wear swimsuits before I got pregnant. After having my kids I am more self consious about it, although my husband says that I cant wear a one-piece until I’m 60! I feel so blessed to have my three boys and my awesome husband I just am trying to accept my body the way it is now.

Postpartum Hair Loss (Samantha)

Bonnie (SOAM) Alopecia, First Pregnancy, Hair Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Thyroid Issues 6 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: one
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 13 months

I spent most of my childhood battling alopecia. I went to some of the top doctors, including Johns Hopkins, and they still couldn’t figure out a reason for my hair loss. By the time I hit puberty, my hair had all come back in. It was extremely frizzy, dry, and wispy and nothing I did was able to fix it. I faced so much ridicule and low self esteem from my battles.

When I got pregnant, my hair came in so beautifully…my eyebrows became noticable, and I was basking in it all. I felt so beautiful for once with my thick, perfect shiny hair. I guess I should have known it wouldn’t last though. About 3 months post partum, my hair started falling out. I figured it was the normal shedding that I had read about and didn’t think anything of it. Months and months went by and I was still shedding like crazy. At 11 months post partum…I went to the mirror and overnight I had grown a large baldspot at the top of my head. I panicked and spent the whole night sobbing…feeling so ugly…crying about how my body was doing this again after years of being fine. Crying about the loss of my “beauty”…and I spent the night looking at wigs.

I ended up going to the doctor for it the next day. Turned out, I had developed post-partum thyroidis…and it had turned into hypothyroid. Being left untreated, my hair was falling out from it. Now I am on the medication for life and my hair has stopped falling out…but two months later the bald spot still remains. My husband says he sees growth…I don’t see anything but bald, bald, bald. I have resorted to doing a comb over every day. I don’t know if it will grown in one day…or if this is for life. I do know one thing…the pregnancy did this to me. And despite how depressed I may feel about my appearance right now, my son brings me daily joy and the little stinker has enough hair for the two of us. The way he looks at me…he doesn’t see my bald spot…and even if he did, he would still find me beautiful.

Don’t Buy the One-Piece Swimsuit (Kyla)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 17 Comments

I am 23 years old, my daughters are 18 months and 3 1/2 months. I was very lucky to have two, as my midwife said, ‘boring’ pregnancies without any complications or issues. I gained just under 20 lbs in each pregnancy, and it was all baby-weight and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight very quickly. I had my first daughter six weeks after I wrote my last exam in my undergrad and my second 15 months later, neither of them were planned. these girls are the center of my world – in both good and bad ways!

I always had body image issues since I hit puberty and I had just reached a point where I was beginning to feel comfortable with myself when I got pregnant. I felt better than ever in both my pregnancies, I was so proud of my belly. Baby bellies are viewed differently in this society than they used to be even one generation ago, when women felt they had to cover up their bellies and wear long circus-tent type clothing, but now the thinking is to flaunt and show off your belly, and big bellies are revered and praised. But the post-partum belly is not socially acceptable in our culture, we are taught to hide our bodies now. Going from the one extreme to the other is a big gap for any woman to jump.

After my first daughter was born I ‘bounced back’ pretty quickly and everybody was praising me on how great I looked. I didn’t feel great and I didn’t want them to praise me. When somebody said to me “oh you look great! Look how fast you bounced back to normal!” it made me fear for the other women who don’t go back to their pre-pregnancy size or shape, because the people who praised me are helping to set that unwritten standard of whats okay to look like and whats not okay to look like. I don’t want to be praised because this only helps cement this divide and illuminate the repression of other body shapes. I don’t think women need any more reason to compare themselves to one another or feel like they aren’t good enough. I feel like, in this culture, once you have stretch marks and a post-baby belly, you have suddenly become a lower class of person because you don’t have a body that looks like a La Senza ad.

Even though people praised me, I hated my stomach. I had some stretch marks on my stomach and breasts and the elasticity of my skin and muscle is gone, and I blamed my daughter for ‘ruining’ me. Before pregnancy I used to model but I couldn’t go back to this because I had become ‘undesirable’ now. I stopped swimming, I awoided mirrors, I even had a period of time, after both pregnancies, where I wouldn’t let my partner see or touch me. I tried not to see my own body. I tried not to let anybody else see my body. I felt like (and still do feel this way) nobody could find me attractive again. I don’t beleive my partner when he tells me that not only am I still attractive, but I am now more attractive than ever because my belly brought him his daughters.

We went to Florida when my first daughter was 8 months old and this was the first time that i was going to be in a swimsuit in public. I couldn’t do it – I had a bikini and I wore it under my clothes but I couldn’t bring myself to take off my shirt and expose my skin. I felt like I shouldnt put other people – strangers – through seeing my stomach, like I should follow this unwritten rule that now I had a baby, I should buy that one-piece swimsuit and never subject my ugly, ruined ‘not a La Senza ad’ body to anybody. I had never felt so ashamed of my body before as I did on that day I sat on the beach and watched everybody else swim. Later I cried about how ugly I was.

I feel like there is this game that women are taught to play which is based on ever-changing rules of opression. I am calling this the ‘one-piece swimsuit game’ because as soon as you have a baby, you are supposed to go buy that one-piece swimsuit because you are taught that you are suddenly too ugly, having lost the shape, look and elasticity of your pre-baby body. I dont know who taught us that was something we had to do, that now we needed to hide, but whoever it was needs a good kicking. I feel like every woman has followed this stupid rule so dutifully and unquestioningly that nobody has ever raised enough fuss to make us wake up and realize that we don’t need to do it at all. It shouldn’t be painful like this. I shouldn’t have been taught this hurtful game, and neither should any of you. I don’t want to watch my daughters and your daughters fall into this game either.

And in the same way that people praising me for ‘bouncing back’ is hurtful for other women who don’t ‘bounce back,’ I don’t want to contribute to teaching other women either that they need to play the one-piece swimsuit game by starting to wear the one-piece swimsuit myself. I don’t want that one-piece swimsuit, I don’t want to show other woman that I too, felt the need to hide myself cause it will teach other women and young girls how to play this game of oppression as well. I don’t want my daughters to feel like when they grow up and have their own children, they need to suddenly switch to a one-piece swimsuit, too.

So I’ll make a promise if you will too – I want out of this female oppression game so I will not play the ‘one piece swimsuit game’ anymore if you wont either. you hear that? I’m opting out, I can only loose at this stupid game and its never been fun anyway, so I’m not playing anymore.

Not Even Halfway (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

19 years old. 1st pregnancy. 17 weeks.

I’m only seventeen weeks and I have been struggling with my weight gain. My doctors and family say its completely normal, I know I haven’t a lot to be so upset about I’m not gaining more weight than I’m supposed too. But I’m very stressed, I was in a relationship that had me so wrapped up. We broke up. Then I find out I’m a month pregnant. I did even want to tell him, and hadn’t planned on doing so, he broke my heart, and I just didn’t want to be more of a burden on him. But I tell him since all my close friends agreed that he needed to know. Once I told him it seemed like all friendship we had left over from our relationship was drained. The reaction I expected. He’s a year and six months older and already has a child. I just made his life even harder. I have been going through this whole pregnancy alone. With his first son. I wanted him to at least with our child. But it has now come down to being fully single and completely alone. Now I’m growing which is ultimately difficult, I never was a “skinny” girl always had curves and was kind of thick. I’m only 5’3. But before I became pregnant I was the smallest I had been since middle school. A shapely 2. Now I’m a four, and in maternity pants because I’m carrying so low. Every day is a new day and another one conquered. I’m working on my body issues, I just wish people would quit pointing out that in clothes I just look like I’ve gained weight not “showing”.

Update (Elivert)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Hispanic, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

Original post here.

PP: 9 MONTHS
AGE: 21

After my first post I have had many changes in my life, I have a beautiful baby I love and a wonderful husband that every day brings more smiles and joy in my life and supports me unconditionally with my new body and outlook on life , because we are now parents and husband and wife.

I feel changes every day and sometimes I feel as sexy as before my pregnancy, but I look in the mirror and says, “wake up from that dream, hellooooo” and so are sometimes but I say, every woman has her charm and I’m happy with my life, my husband and my daughter that changed my life forever. Thank God Dagny is a healthy baby from birth, and it was what she loved most in my pregnancy and measures the effects on my body and so what would happen next LOL My fatty national of 10 Lbs. cesarean and every day agradesco for my baby and my husband to make me really alive and forget for a few hours of vanity. Of course the inside completely changed my life and my body is part of it too, as time goes by my appearance is improving and I am more satisfied and used to my stretch marks, I’m almost at my pre-pregnancy weight and a longer maybe lose more before another baby, but I’m still terrified, I think it will wait for the next 5 years LOL

Mothers here I leave my recent photos of my wonderful body hahaha LMAO Just kidding, but it has served to give life and show it proudly :)

Feel alone, but trying to stay positive. (Sophia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 17 Comments

Its been 4 months since i had my baby boy , hes my everything my whole world, But i cant help feeling so upset about my body now and could really use somone to talk to, Im 18 years old and had my boy by c section its left me whole body in a state i feel disgusting, i look at other mothers and see that i look the worst out of any of them and i just wonder if i will ever look okish again, I am no longer with my babys dad and i just wonder if anyone could ever love somone who looks so hideous, I plaster my face in make up and have hair extensions just to make some part of me look decent at all, i used to be so outgoing but now i just think people are staring and i get so worried about it, I just want to feel confident again. I love my little boy and i wouldnt change a thing, just want to feel happy in my own skin and not want to be desprate for surgery. :(

Mother of one