Second Pregnancy

7 weeks PP (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 28
Number of pregnancies: 2
Children: 2 – son, 22 months & daughter, 7 weeks
How far postpartum: 7 weeks

I am 5″ 1′ and weighed 130 before I got pregnant this time – I gained 35 pounds which was a lot better then the almost 50 pounds I gained with my first pregnancy! Now at 7 weeks postpartum I am back down to 135 – I would like to get down to 115 which is what I was before I had my first baby… 20 pounds to go…

I had my son naturally after 75+ hours of labor and a very long and hard recovery time – so this time around we chose to have a c-section. It was the right choice for me!! Now 7 weeks later I feel so much better then I did even at 6 months PP with my son!! It has been easier this time around to except my body and the extra skin, weight and stretch marks. I have two beautiful children to show for it!!! :)

The photos are me 7 weeks postpartum – lovely stretch marks – and my c-section scar.

Written on my heart (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 14 Comments

Previous entry here.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 4 months old

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has a changed body from pregnancy. I thought that because I was young when I had my children that I would look just like I did before I became pregnant very soon after. I saw pictures of a friend on vacation 6 weeks after having her son wearing a string bikini and looking like she had walked right out of an airbrushed magazine. Shortly after, another friend had a baby. I went to visit her ten days after she had given birth and she told me she weighed 15 lbs less than before she got pregnant. She looked amazing. I thought that going back to picture perfect meant success, and that if that did not happen that something was wrong with me. I thought that it meant that I was somehow acceptable and worthy if I looked as great as some people do. I based my self worth on the expectations I held for myself that were so unrealistic. I know some girls are very lucky and can go through pregnancy and birth with their bodies untouched but that is not true for most. I guess the way I have come to think of it now is that you have got to be happy with what you have and not feel less because you do not look like someone else. This body is the only body I will have and the sooner I can learn to love it, the sooner I can truly enjoy the blessings in my life. If I am looking down at the flaws I see, how can I look outwards and enjoy those around me? I am still on this journey to love myself but in my heart I know that it is worth it to counter what the media is saying to me so I can feel like I am whole and I am worthy, but most of all for my daughters who are looking at me through innocent eyes. They see me looking in the mirror pinching my sides, they see me rubbing my fingers along the imprints on my skin from stretching, they see me scrutinizing myself and they hear the ugly words I use to put down the body that gave them life and wrapped around their tiny bodies to keep them safe. They don’t see a body wrecked as I often do, they see their mother, their protector, the arms that hold them when they are scared, the breasts that nourish them and give them comfort. Their tiny fingers trace the marks on my belly as I tell them about the day I first knew they were going to be, how the tears choked me as I held my unmarked belly overwhelmed by the amazing miracle that was happening. I watched as the months went by in both pregnancies and changed my body and grew my babies well. I remember the quiet moments after their births when we could not believe that they were here, they were real. The marks on my body were proof that I was not dreaming. The marks remind me of the amazing miracles that started so small that no one knew but their father and I until they grew big enough to make their presence known. They tell a story of the kind of love that cannot be explained, it’s the kind of love that is written on a mothers heart like braille. The love of a mother for her child is a bond that cannot be broken, it is a love that is unchanging, it is both fierce and gentle. It is the kind of love that fuses two souls for eternity. The physical act of sharing your body with a precious angel is not something to take lightly, it is one of the greatest of human experiences. So these marks I often scrutinize are not making me less worthy or less whole, in fact, I feel more whole now, I have been so blessed to experience a love I never knew possible.

Updated here.

The Shape of a Great-Grandmother (Dora, interviewed by Holly)

Bonnie (SOAM) 20+ Years Postpartum, Cesarean, Grandmother or Great-Grandmother, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 42 Comments

Dora
Age: 90
Number of Pregnancies: 2
Children: DD1 – 71; DD2 – died at 64 years old. (would be 69 today)

Saturday morning. Bath day. Clothes gently stripped and placed aside, laundry for another day. I grip her elbow and guide her slowly into the shower, and onto her seat. And for the first time I truly see the woman before me. She is old, to be sure. But she also has young eyes. She sees everything fresh, grasping memories alongside fresh experiences, comparing, contrasting, learning, teaching.

Today she is teaching me about the wonders of the human body. She doesn’t know that she is doing this, but I learn much as I slowly cover her in soft and gentle suds. Her skin is papery, almost feathery. It lies in folds everywhere, on her arms and legs, her back, belly, breasts, neck. She is like the baggy little puppy, except she won’t be growing into her skin.

I notice two light lines tracing from her belly button to her pubic bone. I ask after them in passing, trying to make conversation during an experience that could be awkward if we let it become that. She points to each in passing, and tells me their stories. The one most left gave her a daughter, her second, born after a long and difficult pregnancy. She couldn’t tell me what was wrong with her by name, but by symptom it sounds like pre-eclempsia. She remembers a nurse caressing her brow and telling her that when she woke she’d have a baby. She tells me of waking up three days later, to pain in her breasts and pain in her belly, and staring at its deflated state and wondering wildly where her baby could be.

She was brought her baby, a pink little sprite asleep and swaddled in blankets. She wouldn’t take the breast, and so the doctor gave Dora medicine to stop the flow of milk. Not even a few days to try. Just emptiness.

She stares into space a moment, lost in reflection over her youngest daughter’s life and death. I continue to soap and scrub, wash and rinse, and watch her closely. After a moment, she surfaces again and tries to resume conversation. Where were we? Oh, yes. That scar, she points matter-of-factly at the scar on the right side. From a surgery a decade after her daughter’s birth, to remove scar tissue from the c-section. A surgery that almost killed her. Too much anesthesia. She shudders a bit. This must be painful.

I change the subject to save her from further reflections. How did she adjust to her body? Did she love her body? She waives the thoughts away. She’s never thought about it that much. It’s just a body. She feels old, she says. And before, when she was young, she wouldn’t look at her body. It wasn’t talked about, wasn’t proper. She kept her body covered, shown only to her husband, who she says loved her and her body fiercely. She smiles at that thought.

I tell her about the world today. Women having surgery to remove loose belly skin, tightening and “fixing” the marks that children give them. Trying to look perfect. Bah, she says. Would she have had that surgery to fix her loose belly? Maybe, she says. Maybe, but what good would it have done? She’d still be here now: An old woman, saggy, wrinkled, and no longer new of body. Although, she doesn’t see what I see. A woman who is wise, surrounded by love and loss, strong for the inclusion of all of it, marked by a life well-lived, but at precious peace now because of that journey.

She smiles as I wrap her in a warm towel. Where were we? Oh yes, she says, I loved my babies and that’s all that mattered then, and all that matters now.

082010-dora-1

Learning to Be Kind to Myself (Rebekah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breech Baby, Breech Birth, Child Loss, Homebirth, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 14 Comments

My age: 29
2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 birth
10 months postpartum

First I want to say thank you to all the brave women who have posted their stories and photos here. You have helped me to heal.

I also want to say to any women out there who are struggling right now: Your thoughts are powerful. I have brought myself to some dark places with negative thoughts. But you can choose to be kind to
yourself!

Here are some of the negative thoughts I have had (maybe you can relate):

I am ashamed of my body’s ugliness. I compare myself to other women who are more beautiful than me, who were lucky to have better genes. I grew up being told, as if I needed reminding, that I was not a “real
woman,” that I had scrawny legs, no hips, no butt. Pregnancy did not improve my body. I gained an embarrassing amount of weight and since having my baby I’ve worked hard to lose it all. But now I am covered in stretch marks and flab, and left with a belly more grotesque than I ever could have imagined. I had no idea all this would happen to me just from having a baby.

I gained more than 60 pounds in my pregnancy because I wasn’t careful. I was lazy. I over-ate. I was stupid and now I’m paying for it. My wrinkled belly is mushy, like an empty bag. Its texture is like a
wrinkled, doughy brain. It’s alien; it’s disgusting. It’s the belly of an old decrepit woman. My belly button was once cute; now it’s a deep, droopy hole. My breasts are pendulous—they hang down like tube
socks full of sand. They are asymmetrical, unattractive, saggy, and covered in blue veins. They’re not supposed to lie down on my stomach like this.

Why didn’t I appreciate the smooth belly and perky breasts when I still had them? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones who got to keep their youthful bodies? It is so unfair and I am so angry!

What the hell has happened to me? My body is disfigured, destroyed, no longer youthful, no longer sexy. I feel so sorry that I’m not desirable for my husband anymore, because he deserves better. I know he doesn’t feel the same passion for me anymore, and why would he?

I will need to hide my belly for the rest of my life now, under long shirts. I don’t want anyone to see me because I know I’m not normal. Nobody else I have ever seen in my life has a belly like this! It’s
not just a few little stretch marks—my skin hangs in big loose wrinkles—my skin is DESTROYED. Nothing I do short of surgery can fix it. As if the loose skin isn’t bad enough, my butt, hips, and thighs are covered in scars—stretch marks so deep they have left deep grooves in my once-smooth skin.

I would like to wear a bikini proudly but I’m afraid that people will stare and wonder what’s wrong with my belly, give me pitying looks, suggest a tummy tuck. Other women will secretly take pleasure in my
disfigurement because it places me below them. Men will look at me with interest until they get close enough to see the details, and then they will be horrified and turned off.

I look fine with clothes on, with a bra holding my breasts up where they’re supposed to be, with clothing covering all the wrinkles, and I feel like a walking lie. Other women compliment me on losing the baby
weight, and tell me they’re jealous of my figure. I accept the compliments and feel like a fake. I purposely project an air of confidence but it’s all fake, fake, fake. What would everyone think if they saw me naked? Any man who saw me naked would be disgusted. Why would any man, my husband included, choose to look at ME when there are so many perfect women to look at? I am a has-been, not even 30 yet and past my prime. I no longer matter and I am so ashamed, so depressed.

And HERE is me choosing to be kind to myself:

I am a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! I am petite, but with a curvy and feminine shape. I am healthy, sexy, voluptuous, lush, long, limber, strong, soft, admired and even envied for my lovely body.

When I was pregnant my body did exactly what it needed to do, in its innate wisdom. I was a good mother from the start, and I took good care of my baby and myself while I was pregnant. I walked and did yoga. I spent so many hours reading and researching. I carefully planned my meals to make sure my baby got the nutrients he needed. I didn’t do anything wrong. I suffered through great discomfort with grace.

I celebrate my beautiful belly, my womb, and what it has done. I gave birth to my strong and healthy son, breech, at home, with a 7-hour labor, only 30 minutes of pushing and no tearing—that is a feat to be proud of! My body has everything it needs to bring new life into the world—to nurture a tiny cluster of cells and help it grow into a fetus, into a happy little boy, into a new PERSON in this world! That in itself is mind-boggling. I have given birth to a child. I have been a vessel for NEW LIFE. I am directly in tune with all the creative forces of the universe. My feminine abilities are pure, raw, and intense. I am creative energy in action! I am in awe of my womanhood and my body. I am so BLESSED to have been born female.

My belly is normal. There are many different types of postpartum bellies, and many other beautiful mothers have similar soft layers and networks of wrinkles. The skin of my belly is delicate, velvety and interesting. I am happy to bear the marks of motherhood (and such unique and fascinating marks at that!) The stretch marks on my thighs, butt, hips, breasts and belly are starting to fade to silver. They are gorgeous tiger stripes. The grooves of the deeper ones create a sexy texture on my thighs, like built-in fishnet stockings.
They’re cool!

My breasts are full and sensual with a pleasant weight to them. They make sweet, nutritious milk for my baby. He drank nothing but the milk from my breasts for 6 months and it made him grow big, strong and
healthy. At 10 months old, he still gets most of his nutrition from my milk, which keeps him happy and secure. My breasts are a source of delight, comfort and nourishment.

My husband is not bothered a bit by the changes to my body. He still finds me as irresistible as ever, and more importantly, I am the mother of his child. He now views me with a new kind of pride, love and respect. He sees me as a beacon of strength. I am his lady, his rock.

It is wonderful to be alive. It is wonderful to experience the gift of motherhood, and I am blown away with gratitude for my life and my family. I am capable of a love that transcends words. I am capable of far more than I realize. My body is beautiful, but my spirit is even more beautiful, and it shines through. I am beautiful!

I have been through a lot of changes, and feelings of loss and self-doubt are to be expected. They are a normal and healthy part of new motherhood. I am allowed to feel them in passing, but I will not let them rule me. I can choose a positive attitude.

I am only 10 months postpartum and the transformation my body has undergone, from small to gigantic to small again, is nothing short of incredible. My body, even now, is still changing. I must be patient and gentle with myself. I choose to respect my body and take good care of it. My many hours of hard work exercising and eating healthful foods are paying off. My healthy glow is apparent to all who see me. I choose to give myself and my body the same unconditional love and reverence I give to my beautiful son as I watch him grow.

And I may have to work up to it, but I KNOW in time I will have the courage and confidence within me to rock that bikini, in public, in the full light of day. Other people and their twisted cultural standards be damned!

Pictures 1-3 are my beautiful, pre-baby body. Picture 4 is my beautiful 37-week pregnant belly, full of life. 5-7 are my beautiful wrinkly belly, beautiful droopy breasts, and beautifully tiger-striped hip at 10 months postpartum. 8-10 are me rocking my bikini! (This is in the privacy of my back yard, in front of only my husband. I have yet to show my belly in public but I will get there!) And pictures 11-12 are my son, at 2 months and 7 months.

Update! Slowly learning to love my new body! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

I had posted 10 months ago about how much I hated my body and how much I envied all of the thin girls I see day in and day out. I am proud to say (although I have not lost a single pound) I am now slowly learning to love my body and be proud of it! I took this picture and keep it with me to look at when I’m feeling down or ugly. For some reason I just feel so good about it! I know I’m nowhere near where I want to be but I think I’m finally ok with it! Hopefully things will just keep getting better and better from here!

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 20 months

081210-anon-1

Anonymous

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

I am 33 years old, these pictures are taken 5 years post-partum. I’ve had 2 pregnancies (first one at 13), and given birth once. My body has changed. My butt has flattned, my waist windned. Due to a number of reasons, my weight has fluctuated greatly. From 170 at pre-pregnacny, to 163 one month post partum. 204 at my highest depression (and 6 months sober), to now, 184lbs. I’m 5’5″ and have never admitted that publiclly. Other than my daughter, I’ve not allowed anyone to see me naked, for I am so ashamed. My waist is huge, my breasts saggy, my bum flat, and stretch marks. I love my daughter, and slowly loving my body, as I have to accept that *this* is it (well, that and excercise, however there will be no more bubble butt).

15 Months PP Update (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Previous entries:
Missing my baby boy and expecting my second.
5 Weeks PP Second Baby
2.5 Months PP – Second Cesarean in 2.5 Years
6 Months PP Update

Age: 24
Pregnancies: 2
Births: 2 via cesarean
PP: 4 years in September and 15 months

So, I am now 15 months pp with Liam. Wow, this has been a long and hard journey to accept my body. I am finally starting to accept it! Connor would be 4 in September…time flies! I ended my pregnancy with Liam at 177 (I am 5’2″), and I am now 122. I only have 7 pounds before I am pre Connor weight…but I have a lot of toning to do. My husband and I are doing P90X. We do not do it every day, but even the
days we don’t do it, I still work out. I LOVE weight training! I only use 3 and 20 pound hand weights (because that is all I have!). I do all of my arm work with the 3 pound weights, and leg work with the
20 pound weights. I also have a band I use for pull ups! I feel myself getting stronger (although my sweet tooth kills me…I had 4 cookies for breakfast!). I used to cry about my body almost every day. I am shamed I did that…I have been through such harder stuff…but I still cried over my body…how dumb is that? I am still soft, loose, saggy, and stretched…but I love me! I tried on a bikini for the first time in 4 years and liked it! I am not brave enough to wear it yet, but I decided I will wear it on Connor’s 4th
birthday.

Anyway…Liam is doing great! He just started walking about a month ago…and he is now starting to walk more than crawl! I am still nursing him, he refuses any type of cup…any advice on that would be great!

Good luck Mama’s…we are all beautiful. The more we flaunt our bodies in bikinis, the more people will accept it! Let’s try to be brave and do it :)

Pictures:
pre babies
me now (15 months pp)
my weight loss journey

Updated here.

I Can’t Stand to Look in the Mirror (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 45 Comments

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 22 months and 3 months

I had my first baby at 18 and my second at 20. Before I fell pregnant I had a fantastic body – although I never appreciated it. Now, I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I’m suffering quite badly from post partum depression but have sought treatment and I am now on anti depressants. Most days, I can’t leave the house. I hate myself for being so vain and preoccupied with the way that I look – I should feel proud of myself for what my body has achieved, but it’s a struggle to look at it that way. I’m currently 3 months pp after my second baby, and have so far shed my weight from that pregnancy, but still have about 8 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight (the weight I was before I fell pregnant with my first child.) Even though I weigh 127 lbs, my body shape has changed. I hate my wide hips, and all the loose skin – I’ve got a permanent ‘muffin top.’

My husband has never been one for compliments, but I wish for once he would just say that I look okay, or that he thinks I am beautiful. Feeling that I look ugly to him is probably what gets me down the most. Our sex life is non-existent, not that I don’t offer, but he’s just not interested. He says it’s not because of the way I look, that he’s just tired, etc, but I don’t believe him.

I wish I could be confident, and accepting of the way that I am. Right now, I am focusing on getting my mind healthy and being a loving mother to my two amazing children but the way that I look is a constant weight on my shoulders.

(1st picture 5 months pp with first baby the rest are me today, at 3 months pp after second baby)

Updated here.

Happy in My Skin (Ziona)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Surrogacy, VBAC 8 Comments

I have given birth twice so far, once by c-section, and once vaginally. My youngest is 10 months old now, and I’m finally starting to feel happier in my new skin. I have stretch marks, cellulite, sagging breasts, bags under my eyes, and the c-section “flap”. I will probably start a dance exercise program (Zumba anyone?) because I still feel the urge to tone. But my stretched out belly is still beautiful, as my son can attest when he chooses to cuddle with it instead of his daddy. I still feel beautiful all over, because the most precious thing in my life considers me to be the end all of awesome! How can I feel bad about myself when someone so perfect thinks I’m the best EVER?? I honestly can’t. And I breastfeed, so while my breasts are no longer perky, they sustain my precious child and give him comfort. He spends hours a day coming over to me and begging for a sip or a snuggle, and it makes me feel great to be so wanted and needed, regardless of whether other people think I’m too fat.

I’m hoping to be a surrogate this year, so I think I’ll do an update if it’s successful on how I’m feeling about my body after giving someone who can’t have children the gift of life! I’m so excited!

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 and 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 10 months

Round 2: Here we go again! (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Update 9 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth (currently 15 weeks pregnant)
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My daughter is 26 months.

So here we go again. I’m 15 weeks pregnant with baby number 2! I’m a little worried about weight gain as I don’t want to gain 60lbs again this time! I would be VERY happy if I could keep it under 40lbs this time but I’m not off to the best start. I’ve already gained about 12lbs, my waist line is long gone but I don’t look pregnant yet, my favorite (sarcasm) stage! I might just have to accept that my body knows something that I don’t and that I might actually NEED to gain 60lbs.

I am working out pretty consistently through this pregnancy unlike my last one and I’m trying to eat reasonably so hopefully it won’t be too bad. At least I know I can lose it! As fast as I lose the weight last time I have wondered if maybe I actually needed to gain that much to be able to breastfeed my daughter?

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to try to stay fit throughout this pregnancy but if I can’t keep the weight gain down I’m going to try not to beat myself up over it.

I’m working out at least 3 days a week lifting and walking a lot whenever it’s nice. Now that the 1st trimester is over I’m starting to get some energy back so hopefully I’ll be able to start going a little more again. I also played ice hockey until 11 weeks this time. I found plenty of info about contact sports while pregnant and my Dr. okay’d it as well. Contact and collision sports are generally considered safe during the 1st trimester as long as the mother is healthy and the pregnancy in not high risk and as long as your body temperature doesn’t go over 100. I felt a little weird but I actually took a thermometer to my games and took my temp between shifts lol. My temp never even got close to 101 :) I’m still lifting pretty “heavy” and will continue to as long as it still feels comfortable. I have cut back a little but still lift more than most women at the gym.

So while I’m gaining a good amount already I’m definitely doing better in the exercise department than I did with my 1st! I pretty much didn’t work out at all that time!

Aside from the weight gain struggle I’ve been struggling with HOW to have this baby. I had an emergency cesarean with my last and I really don’t want to have another c-section. But I’m also a little worried about the risk of a uterine scar rupture. I know it’s only about 1% and that doesn’t sound like much, but that’s 1 in 100 and if that were the odds of winning the lottery you better believe I’d be buying a ticket! So I keep going back and forth between another c-section and a VBAC. My OB will let me try a VBAC but she doesn’t seem to think I’d be the best candidate for it because of the circumstances with the last birth. I’m also pretty sure that if I try a VBAC I want to do it at a birthing center because I don’t think I could comfortably have a natural birth in a hospital after my last experience which has left me a little traumatized! I’m going to at least go to the birthing center for a consult and see what they have to say and how I feel about it.

I’ll probably update at the end of my pregnancy or some time postpartum.

070110-ashley-1