No Photos (Story Only)

My Husband Surprised Me! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 0 Comment

I’m 21 and a mother of two handsome boys. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. I’m very self conscious and it got worse after I had our first son at 17. He came to my job (anniversary day) and brought me home early. We haven’t had sex in 8 months because I’m afraid he doesn’t like how I look. When we got home and he opened the door I saw roses leading to the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom.

I was shocked but my heart skipped a beat when I saw the condoms on the night stand. He told me to go in the bathroom and change into the outfit he had left for me and I did. I hurried and wrapped myself in a towel and opened the door. He started to kiss me and squeezing my butt. In my head I began to feel scared because he was about to unhook the back of my outfit. He’s seen my breasts but not the rest of my body.

He pulled it down to my v-line and began at kiss and lick each mark. I had to lay up and look at him. I had no idea guys his age accepted women like me. That taught me to love myself and every chance he gets he tries to play around with them. Ladies love yourself because if you don’t, no one else will.

A Child’s Thoughts on Stretch Marks (Jenny)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

A story I thought you’d like and am happy for you to share if you like… I have a 3 week old… and a 4yo and a 7yo… I got stretch marks in my second pregnancy. I hated them…. mostly because I developed the truly evil rash that is PUPPS and the itchiness was horrendous. Anyway, they faded and I learned to live with them. Pregnant again 3.5 years later, my third baby resulted in more stretch marks in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy… something I don’t understand as he was just over a pound LIGHTER than my previous mighty girl baby… anyway, these ones are worse! I haven’t been hiding them, but nor have I displayed them…

Tonight my 7yo lay in bed next to me reading as I breastfed his baby brother. He looked over and say, “wow mum you have a totally cool pattern on your tummy… did baby M make that ?”

I got to answer proudly, “yup!”

“I find myself beautiful now” (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 1 Comment

Number of pregnancies/births: 4/3
Age: 23
How far postpartum: Kids are 5,3,2

I’ve posted to this site 2 or 3 times now, and I am choosing to do so again because once again I have a new perspective. I felt for a long time, until recently actually that my self worth was based on my body. Not just the way I look naked, but also with clothes on. I felt that if clothes didn’t fit properly or if I had to go up a size then my life experiences were not as fun. They weren’t as fun because I was distracted with myself. I used to look at pictures during my last pregnancy and say “oh god, I was so big”. I look back now and look at how big I was smiling or how my other 2 girls kissed my belly. I felt that stretch marks and extra weight was something to be ashamed of, something to hide from the person who has seen my body in the most intimate ways. I’ve said in the past that my husband had viewed porn a lot and yes it did bother me, partly because I felt betrayed but mostly because I was jealous of the way he was attracted to those women. I have a new outlook on that, among other reasons he was viewing porn so often because I wasn’t showing him what he needed/wanted to see. My husband has told me many times that I am beautiful, pretty, sexy and whatever else you could say to give a compliment. I didn’t believe that until I was able to see the beauty myself. Somewhere along the lines I realized that stretch marks are not ugly, extra weight can be lost or not because I like my new curves. I do not look like a model by any means but I am happier than I ever have been and more comfortable with my body than I ever have been. I wanted a tattoo on my stomach to cover stretch marks but I didn’t go through with it because I wanted to look at them a little longer, I panicked when I knew they would no longer be visible. My body is forever changed in that way and that is because I chose to have children. I want to be able to look down when I’m in my 50’s and remember my days being pregnant and my daughters’ births into this world. I have stretch marks like crazy on my breasts and that really used to bother me but now I just look at them as memories. I breastfed each daughter for 1 year and those marks remind me of the long nights cuddled up with the girls next to me or that I was the only one that had that bond with them. When I was 16 I got pregnant and was forced into an abortion and I was left with one tiny stretchmark on the left breast in the middle of my cleavage and I would be so sad if I couldn’t see that mark anymore. I am grateful to my body for producing such beautiful children and supporting me all along the way of the many changes. I find myself beautiful now because I am used to the new me and I have adjusted and I wouldn’t think less of anyone else for looking the way I do. Love yourself first and foremost and everything else will fall into place.

Just make what you have sexy!! (Deflated mom of 4)

Bonnie (SOAM) Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

I have been really depressed over the years about my body. I have always been small chested, not even a full A cup. I have had four children. Breast fed the youngest past a year old. My cup size ranged from a before pregnant to probably a DD. Then back down to a 30B (technically a typical A cup) after weaning. I always thought there was something wrong with my breasts because bras never fit right. Wait! it was the bras that were the wrong size. Nobody ever taught me that! Finally realized I was a 30 band size and that changed everything.(american eagle bras fit me great!) I still dont like how they hang and are deflated. Sometimes I get really depressed about it. I dont feel like a woman a lot of the time. But then I have to realize that I shouldn’t base my self esteem on what i think others view me as. I started working out hard. It helped lift the breasts a little. Why can’t deflated be sexy too?

~Age: 37
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: youngest is two oldest is an adult.

Some words of support from a Man (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 4 Comments

I know you take entries from women because this is, after all, about the shape of a mother, but I would love to share a story from a man’s eyes and perspective.

I grew up around women. Seven of them and I greatly respect them all. I was raised by all of them as they were all older than me. As I grew I came to see many of these women have babies. As they had babies, their bodies would change but something else would change as well. Something I still admire to this day and love about the wife. The most beautiful thing in my eyes. Many men I know have this hard wired thought that women are the weaker of the sexes. I beg to differ. (I know that’s hard to believe a man said that, but of course you knew that.) What I’ve seen, especially after watching these women push out babies, which takes strength in itself to do, is the strength that women have to love this child. The strength you have to raise this child. The strength you have to push on even when you feel like crap about yourselves for how you look. Your bodies are beautiful ladies and they did something even more beautiful. You brought our children into this world. Know that that is what makes you more beautiful than anything else. I wish more men would tell you this because we may not like to admit it with our, “I’m a man, we don’t say that” type of egos but the truth is… You’re what makes us who we are from the day you become pregnant, to the day we have to say goodbye. Your strength and love is what is more appreciated than anything. So when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, remember the true beauty you hold and smile.

(Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Question, Submissions 9 Comments

Please tell me what I can read! I’ve had children I’ve got a mess of a stomach etc stretch marks loads of problems… 4 children were the ex husbands he told me after I had kids he missed my body from before I had children (I don’t know where to start), cheated on me. Divorced him. Was single for years . Met a guy thought he was nice almost two years ago now we have 1 son together now. And I found out he’s gone out where there’s skimpies, had porn and crap on Facebook, been liking porn on Instagram. I can’t breath! It matters to me I told him I’m not ok with it and he says it means nothing but it’s not ok, it makes me feel like I mean nothing and he didn’t love or want me.

I just feel like I could stop breathing and die I can’t take this…

What did I do I can’t do anything about my stretch marks

21 and Heartbroken (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 8 Comments

I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas, after a few weeks of morning sickness and painful cramps. But I unfortunately made the decision to have a termination due to many different factors in my life and haven’t told anybody about it apart from my boyfriend. We’ve been together now for over two and a half years and he’s been so supportive with everything. I can talk to Him about anything but I feel embarrassed, guilty and very selfish about what I’ve done and have started to fall into a sort of depression. My older sister found out she was expecting a few weeks before I did and seeing her go through this experience when I could have been as well is killing me. I know it’s my own fault but it was the right decision for us both at the time. I just want my angel to know that I am so sorry for everything that has happened I know that doesn’t make up for what I have done, but I will love you forever.

I was just in need of some support or advice

52 and Utterly Depressed (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Body Image, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

Hi lovely ladies it has been some comfort to me reading your stories tonight, I am 52 and have 3 children, 31, 27, and 15 yrs of age. I was always a lovely C cup until I had my first child, whilst still fitting into a C, the top of the bra was unfilled.

2nd child not too much difference.

I had my 3rd child later in life age 37 with my new man who didnt have children, never seen a pregnant tummy and had never seen the aftermath. Sadly after this birth my boobs just caved in on themselves, they are horrid, I still cant stand looking at them 15yrs on. About 10yrs ago it really got me down, hubby says he loves me the way I am but one day when he was less understanding he said to me ‘why can’t you just accept that you are down there and not like an up there 18 yr old’.

I guess his frustration of me going on about my grievance got the better of him, but that was doomsday for me, so he thinks they are awful too. I have never gotten over this, when we are out I see him looking at other woman, one cannot help it these days, boobs are in your face so to speak. He actually lost conversation the other day when a woman walked passed us in the supermarket, I continued on with our conversation and he said to me ‘I have no idea what your talking about’.

He works in the mines with loads of promiscuous young ladies, I’m really at wits end. Now I have hit menopause and dont even feel like a woman, I feel like shaving my head and cutting my boobs off so I havnt got the burden.

I absolutely hate myself and hate myself for hating myself.

Our marriage is almost in ruins because of this.

I tell him that when men wear their cocks on their chest and some have enhancements that will make him feel embarrassed compared to what he has then he may understand. Life is not reality anymore, men dont see fake, or proportion, they see BOOBS and dont give a hoot where they have come from. I have even contemplated suicide but wouldnt do it to my children.

I feel so selfish.

Depressed and Confused (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 1 Comment

I am 21 years old and pregnant with my 3rd child, I had my first when I was 17 and second when I was 19. I am currently engaged to the father of these three beautiful babies. But things are rough. I am so uncomfortable with everything about my body. Before I got pregnant I was 115 pounds, after I was 160 I stretched everywhere and I have so much extra skin on my belly it just hangs and even though I’m 6 months pregnant now it’s still there. After being pregnant the first time my areoles stretched so much, I’m still uncomfortable having my fiancé see my breasts. He tries to joke about it because they sag, but it really just hurts. I can’t take it as a joke because I feel disgusting and he doesn’t understand. He just says if he doesn’t care what I look like then why should I? But just to have your body change so much and none of your clothes fit at all.. It’s heartbreaking. I go months without leaving the house at all. Not even to the grocery store. It’s been like this for 3 years. I cut myself secretly for a long time because I dont know how to deal with the pain. I feel like nobody understands, over the summer everyone would ask me why I dressed the way I did.. We would go to the beach and I would wear an oversized t shirt and men’s swim trunks. I don’t even own a bathing suit. I would love to have a daughter but I am terrified that if I do she is going to go through what I am now. How am I supposed to teach her to love her body when I can’t love my own?

Damaged Love (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Motherless Mothers, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

Previous Posts: Who am I & Missing you always and forever

My love for myself is as I would describe it…Damaged. Those who used to know me, knew me as a fun loving person, someone who loved to dance, sing, act and laugh. What they didn’t know about me is that when I was the pure age around 5..? I learned of oral sex from a kid about 5 or so years older. At about the age of 7 is when it ended, when as I can remember my little brother caught things happening and told my mom. I don’t remember what my mom said to me but since then I have felt only disgust for myself. My therapist finally got this out of me just about 5 years ago, she wanted my mom to come to my counselling session with me at some point. I procrastinated asking my mom because I felt embarrassed, then she got sick and I didn’t want to put any more on her “plate”. Well now my mom has passed and I talk to her all the time still but I will never be able to hear any answers to the questions and hurt I have been through. I don’t blame her though or the boy who sexually and emotionally scarred me. I later found out that the boy himself had been abused and I felt sad for him as well. My therapist has tried to make me imagine myself talking to the little girl I once was but it is so difficult because of the disgust and hate I felt for myself has only grown over the many years of self loathing.

I can remember in grade 6 (GRADE 6) laying in the bathtub looking at my “fat” stomach wishing I was thinner, looking in the mirror and wishing I was pretty. I can’t believe how young I was to feel such hate, to feel so alone. I sat one day on the floor of the bathroom and cried until I couldn’t see, I took a razor and marked my wrist, it was a small mark because it hurt and I was scared and do you know what I thought of myself? That I was weak, I couldn’t even cut my wrist. I came out of the bathroom and my brothers friend was in the kitchen and he asked if I was ok, I said “Yes” and that was that. I was never the girl who got the boy, that is until high school when I was thin (sometimes starving), out of the “awkward” stage, and had been to the tanning beds way to often. Boys started to take an interest and I loved it, not realizing how damaging it could be to me. They only wanted one thing and I was no use to them if I said no. I never slept with many, but I can honestly say now that I’m an adult I wish I would’ve waited for “the one”.

The summer before my grade 12 year is when I met “the one”, he was sexy, he was funny and everyone knew of him. He went to school with my sister who is a couple years older than I and she can remember me having a crush on _____________. I can remember when we started dating I actually said to him “I can’t believe I’m dating _________”. I was so young and in love. After about 3 months of dating I found out I had an STD from a previous partner and needed surgery very soon. I was terrified of losing this man I put on a pedestal but I told him anyway. He was amazing through it all, he went to 2 surgeries with me and never made me feel bad for exposing him to HPV. We both said I love you very early on and he proposed just 9 months after we started dating. Of course I said yes! I would get “Are you actually marrying _________(first and last name)?!” like he was some star. Looking back I guess I never felt like I measured up to him. Fast forward to my “Who am I” post and “Missing you always and forever” post and that basically brings us to today.

I am broken down and feel like I can no longer fight. 3 months ago my husband told me he is addicted to porn. I asked him for how long he said since before me. It shattered whatever I had left in me. I have taken this man to couples counselling and he assured me and my therapist that there was nothing going on, he basically let me and my therapist believe it was my own insecurities all these years that made me question his love and attraction for me. He fooled us both. I sat by the grave yard for hours wishing I could talk to and hug my mom. I drove to a friends house after that and passed by train tracks and contemplated suicide. I parked beside the tracks for a while but continued on to my friends house. I contacted my therapist the next day. I had so many thoughts and questions….

It feels like I’ve been cheated on multiple times.
You proved my fear (of not being or looking good enough for you)….. right.
Every time you chose porn it was over me and our relationship and family.
It hurts so bad that you have to learn to want and like me again.
I hate you so much it hurts.
I feel bad for you.
I feel angry that I feel bad for you.
I feel dead inside.
I feel like I was cheated out of the last 14 years of my life, our relationship feels like a sham.
I want to burn every picture of us and my boudoir album that you chose not to look at and instead looked and watched them.
I feel that someone who loves another wouldn’t put them through this.
I feel like our home is broken.
I feel like this is the last straw on my self-esteem.
I feel like I lost my husband and best friend.
I feel like you didn’t protect me. I’m scared that I will never feel sexy or beautiful again.
I feel so stupid that I never knew.
I’m scared that I will never feel loved again.
I’m scared We will never be ok.
I’m scared We won’t work it out.
“And unlike other drugs, which users get out of their system, pornographic images stay imprinted in the brain.”
“What is disturbing, however, is that in clinical trials where subjects are exposed to repeated presentations of pornography over a six week period, the subjects are found by the end of the trial to devalue monogamy and cease to regard marriage as a lasting institution.”
I will never be able to get this out of my head.
I will have a panic attack and cry every time we have sex or try to have sex.
I will never trust you.
You will go back to using porn.
I will have this burning in my stomach and chest forever.
I will always be nauseous.
I’m scared that I am too weak to leave and I am scared that I should leave.
I’m scared we won’t feel like a family again.
I’m scared I will feel like you are always looking at other women or ARE looking at other women.
I’m scared I will never trust you to be alone again.
I’m scared you will skin to skin cheat.
You chose them over me for 14 years, I’m scared you always will or want to.

All these years I have felt alone. All these years I’ve been telling you I need more, I need the compliments and reassurance. All these years you have been choosing other women over me. All these years we could’ve been having sex, instead you made me feel not good enough. You didn’t compliment me, you lied to my face, you made me feel crazy that I felt like something just wasn’t right. How am I to do this!!!

How come porn is so easily accessible and cheap …… FREE even!! I have even looked at it myself because my husband told me he had favorites so of course curiosity got the best of me and now I know what his “ideal” woman looks like and know that I will never look anything close to it even if I lost weight and had multiple surgeries I wouldn’t look like that. I wish it did not exist. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as my own husband anymore. I feel like porn has taken my person and my home (my safe place) away from me. Even though my husband is going to an addictions counsellor once a week, reading and doing work books, and I am seeing my own therapist, I am still scared with what choices I am left with. If I leave, I am leaving the man I love and can’t imagine being without. I also can’t imagine seeing him and my boys with another woman in their lives with this option. My second choice would be to stay, and to stay means to let go (not forgive), I will need to let go and try to move forward with little trust and having the feelings I do I don’t know how……