Tattoo

Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Piercing, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 8 Comments

Well I will try and keep this as succinct as possible though I do tend to ramble once I get going.

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant, unplanned and completely unexpected as I was on the contraceptive pill. I was 20, had been with my boyfriend a year (he already has a gorgeous little girl from a previous relationship, now aged 2 years and 6 months) and I had just been accepted to begin a university course in September 2009. Quite obviously I wasn’t ready to be a mum but at the same time I had always said even though I am one hundred percent pro choice that I don’t think I would ever be able to go ahead with a termination no matter what my situation was. To cut the story short, it turns out you can never say never and I did end up having an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant. I will still never be sure if I made the right decision but I am trying day by day not to dwell on that because there is no point stressing on things that can’t be undone. It took me a while to realise this however and about 6 months after the termination (June 2009ish) me and my boyfriend split up. This was mainly because the shame and the guilt that I felt and was keeping to myself was just constantly on the edge and I was pretty much a mess and a complete bitch to be with. I told him I felt like I was the only one that was hurting from all of this, and he didn’t support me and blahblahblah but really I just wasn’t letting him in and I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn’t see his.

Fast forward to September 2009 and we’re back together, thank god, because I realised what a good thing I was messing up and well, we love each other and that’s really all that seems to matter. Fast forward again to January 2010 and tada! I’m pregnant unexpectedly again (this time on the Depo injection). I cried, I’m sure he cried and we both thought about nothing else for a good 2 weeks straight before deciding that this had happened through all the odds, a second time around, and it must be for a reason.

I am now 22 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with the most lively little boy growing inside me and I am absolutely terrified but so excited to meet him. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been but I do find myself at least (!!!) once daily irrationally imagining that he is going to up and leave me as soon as the tiniest flea sized stretch mark appears on me. I am 5’1, very petite but with 32dd boobs (which are already up to an E cup, nooo!) and I’ve gone from 105lbs to 123lbs, so not a massive amount but being so tiny I just dont know how much my body is going to be able to handle! I have never liked my body, even though I have no reason, but various events (including the termination) have killed my self esteem and I am really really really trying to not stress and to just enjoy being pregnant because so far I am amazed and already completely in love with this little man that I haven’t met yet. This site and all your stories have made me realise that women are fabulous – look at what we do! – and I hope one day I can be half as inspiring to someone as you all have been to me.

Pictures are literally as of today, officially 24 weeks.

~Your Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 0 births yet!

38 Weeks Pregnant, Not Sure What to Expect (Georgia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 9 Comments

24 years old, First pregnancy

I have been coming to this site for a few weeks now, and everyones stories have been very encouraging. When I got pregnant, I was 5’5” and 158 pounds. I am currently at 180 pounds. So only gained 22 pounds. But I have always really like my body, especially my stomach. Ive never been a “skinny” girl, But I embraced my “Hour glass” figure proudly. I put off pregnancy, and was planning to put it off as long as I could because I was so afraid of what would happen to my body. But then I got married and knew I wanted a child with my amazing husband as soon as possible. Seems so selfish and stupid now, but Im still fearing how my tummy and breasts will look postpartum. My breasts went from a small c to a double d in about a month.. they dont even look like my own anymore. My husband tells me everyday, about 10 times a day that Im still a “hottie” and still beautiful, but of course it doesnt sink in. I plan on breastfeeding, and working out as soon as my doctor gives me the ok, and eating well has never been a problem. I have a few stretchmarks so far… Im not too concerned with them, as long as I dont erupt in them terribly in the next two – three weeks. I know I will never look exactly the same, but its scary NOT knowing how my body will look the weeks, and months following my sons birth. Does/did anyone else feel this way? . (The one in the bikini holding hands is pre baby, the one on the bed is 2 months pregnant, animal print is 28 weeks, bare belly is 38 weeks.)

Updated here, here and here.

Irelynd

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 28 Comments

Irelynd
Age: 22
Number of Pregnancies’
Age of Irelynd: 5 weeks 2 days

I was 21 when I got pregnant with Irelynd, at first I cried I was told I couldn’t get pregnant since I have some genetic diseases that made it near impossible to carry a child. My mom wanted me to get an abortion since I am in my last year of college, to which I thought about doing, but I couldn’t figure out why God gave me this child if I was told I couldn’t get pregnant so I decided to have her. Needless to say the pregnancy was very hard, I had debiliateing migraines everyday for three months, I mean I lost my vision my ability to speak threw up all the time was in a dark room for three months it was terrible. I did not gain any weight until I was 5 month pregnant I thought that since it was so far in I would not gain much weight. I was WRONG I started off 118, and a week before I had her I was 171.

I have been a gymnast since I could walk and working out and eating healthy was a major part of my life. I worked out everyday of my pregnancy, even with the migraines I still worked out in my room since I felt worse to not work out. I grew up in a gym, homeschooled with other gymnast we had weigh ins I was an elite gymnast so weight and body image is something I have always struggled with. I was so scared to gain weight scared to get fat, scared that I would go back to high school cutting if I got fat. Just afraid that I would become depressed because I would hate myself. Well I didn’t cut ( go me), but I did become depressed, I hated mirrors and still do, pictures are even worse and make me feel HUGE. My husband has told me from day one how beautiful I am, how attractive I am but how could I be when I was huge and still feel huge.

I also was so afraid to get stretch marks, My sister had a baby and gained 87 pounds she has stretch marks from head to toe and I dredged that. Needless to say I used stretch mark preventative lotion about 10-12 times a day to prevent them. I didn’t, I have them on my hips, my thighs, my butt, boobs, stomach, and inner thighs. I cried, I know there is nothing I can do but I did so much to not get them. I mean I worked out everyday. I was the fat pregnant person that everyone stared at when I went to the gym specially since I’m in college so they are all college kids. I lotion all the time, drank nothing but water. I tried to watch my weight gain since I have Celiac I’m allergic to most foods that could even make me gain weight. But I did.

Then that day came Irelynd was born Jan 31 2010, she was tiny only 6 pounds 15. ounces cute as a button and I fell in love. I love being a mom, I love her like I have never loved anyone before. But I hate my body, I hate that I can’t get it back. Despite what I was told or heard I started working out 3 days after I had her, I’m not good at taking a break. ( I had to go take a test for a class when I left the hospital after having her) I have been working out none stop for weeks and have only lost 32 pounds, which may seem like a lot but I lost that in two weeks and have been stuck at the number. I hate my stretch marks, I hate that my beautiful boobs have now a tear drop look. I’m self conscious when I have sex, specially when I’m on top because my boobs look so gross. Speaking of boobs, I wore a bra everyday all day even at night through my pregnancy to not get a sag, and they did. My husband thinks I’m attractive and tells me all the time but I have the hardest time believing him. I can’t imagine how he could be attracted to me. I’m one of five girls all who look like I did pre pregnancy and are beautiful and I’m still Huge. I know that my daughter is worth it and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I just can’t wait to get back to normal. And I know you may be thinking your nuts you look fine but since I was a gymnast fine isn’t okay, I have to look fantastic. Specially since I still coach gymnastics and have lost all my athletic shape, my ability to do anything above a level 6 which is sad. I want to be thin again, I want to look muscular again.

Sorry I don’t mean to rant but I just need to get it off my chest because I don’t feel like anyone understands and it is great to know that there are other women out there that feel the same way as me.

Picture 1. Before pregnancy (I know my boobs are hanging out but I just won a 1000$ bikini contest)
Picture 2. Forty weeks prego
Picture 3. Hours after having Irelynd
Picture 4. Four weeks P.P
Picture 5. Four weeks P.P

Just gotta keep plugging away at it (Tara)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy 11 Comments

Age 29
Pregnancies 3
Births 1 Cesarean
5 months PP

This is a great site, I have really enjoyed reading everyone’s stories and seeing pictures of other women PP and their beautiful babies. I have a 5 month old son, he was born by cesarean. I am still trying to get used to the scar, it is red and ugly but thankfully it is low enough that nobody but me and my husband will see it. I am about 10 pounds away from my prepregnancy weight. I am finding that every pound has been a struggle to get rid of. I am breast feeding and it has still been hard. To those women who say the weight just melted right off of them from breastfeeding I am jealous because I have had to diet and exercise hard to lose every single pound so far. I don’t mean to complain, I am grateful that I have my son and that I was able to have a successful pregnancy. I am hoping to have another child in the next year or so all going well.

The following pictures are of me at 37 weeks pregnant, me 5 months PP and my son at 4 1/2 months.

My Baby Tattoos (Hilary)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 5 Comments

I was completely overjoyed when I gave birth to the apple of my eye when I was just 21 years old. I weighed 110 pounds before I had him and reached a shocking 180 when I gave birth. Needless to say, he behind some baby tattoos. My heart doubled in size when I got pregnant with my second son only 7 months later. He was about a pound and a half bigger than my first and my second c-section. He left me with more tattoos and some extra skin. I am 5 weeks postpartum in my picture and trying to accept my new tattoos.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 17 months (my first) and 5 weeks 9my second)

28, and still coming to grips with my new body (M)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 11 Comments

My pre-birth weight was about 140, and I am 5′ 9″. I am a former athlete that was used to a typical body weight of 160-165, so the loss of almost 20 lbs in muscle mass was a huge loss in dress sizes as well as curves. I was pretty used to be a little on the curvy and muscular side. Losing that much mass (due to being a vegan for nearly 8 months; don’t ask). When I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant, I started asking my midwife’s assistant to stop saying my weight out loud when I got weighed, and would routinely turn the other direction when she took my weight. I felt completely healthy, and I didn’t like that they would occasionally make a comment about how much I had gained. I do estimate that I was about 205 when I gave birth. And trust me; it was ALL baby.

I’d like to say that I was much happier with my body before my son was born, but the truth is that I never really was. I look back on that now and remember what it was like to have a stretchmark-free stomach, and regret not relishing the shape of my body while I still had it.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was completely happy the bigger I got with him. I loved the fullness of being pregnant, and relishing the fact that I was totally without any stretching, until I hit 7 months, when I noticed a little cluster above my pelvic region, and that’s when I, much like many other women, completely panicked. It wasn’t long before I realized that there was now no way to stop the inevitable, and luckily I was able to keep from really paying much mind to them, because they were below my belly button, which was over the proverbial hill, where I couldn’t see them.

It wasn’t until after my son was finally born and my stomach deflated that I saw for the first time all the angry red striations all over my belly. It was in the weeks after my son was born that it really sunk in for me how much my body had changed, and how I was most likely never going to be the same.

I spent a lot of the next months avoiding looking directly at myself in the mirror, or really looking at myself the way I used to, almost like it was someone else I was looking at.

I was positively elated when I fond this site, that, like me, the mothers of the world were stretched and a bit saggy, and all finding ourselves trying to come to terms with how much things are different, and what we’ve had to give up for our children.

Each of the stories I have read have been beautiful and inspiring, which is why I chose to share mine as well. Though it’s nothing specific, and sometimes a thing I don’t have to focus on, just the knowledge that both my overly-bloated stomach (which, I confess; I suck in 70% of the time I’m in public and can’t get away with letting it hang out), and my droopy breasts happened because I had my son, comforts me. My boyfriend, who’s never seen me without my mother’s body, still thinks my body is beautifully shaped, and we enjoy being physical together, I have to admit that I am looking forward to a time in the future (which I hope will be near, and not far!), when I am able to slim down a bit more on the weight I put on during my pregnancy.

You may also choose to include:
~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, resulted in 1 live birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 12 months (as of 1/29/2010)

Triplet Mom + One – Update (Tabitha)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Hernia, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Tattoo, Triplets, Update 11 Comments

Original entry here.

23years old
2pregnancies
Riley(g) Aiden(b) Chloe(g) age 2 1/2
Brennan 11months

This is an update, i had GGB triplets in 07 and then a singleton boy in 09. I was a mother to 4 before i turned 23. The stress my body underwent was amazing! I had a gap in my ab muscles big enough to feel my spine through, i also had a TON of sagging skin that i couldnt see my feet past. I eventually got to the point that i was so unhappy with myself that i would have done anything to get it all taken care of. I went to my doc to see about a tummy tuck not thinking it would happen. After about a month of physical therapy for my back because of the gap in my muscles and a few appointments in a plastic surgeon and eventually a hernia, my surgery got approved! Being that my husband is military its extremely hard to get a surgery like that approved without having problems directly involved with the pregnancies. My hernia was a blessing in disguise! On Dec 4th 2009 i got to go in for my tummy tuck. I was really nervous leaving my babies for something like this. I never leave them unless its just for a minute and thats normally only to head out for a break. So i was beside myself because i always seem to think of the worst possible outcome on things like this. The surgery went great! I dont think ive ever been so happy besides when my babies were born. I never thought i would look like a 23 year old again! I cant play with the kids better and longer now, im not so down and depressed because i hated the way i looked, i get dressed and actually put my face on and do my hair now, when before it was hard to just get out of a big t-shirt and sweats! I can happily say that i love my body! I still have a few left over stretch marks to remind me of the pregnancies which i love! The doctor did such a great job that my tummy looks natural, like its always been that way. My triplets are now 2 1/2 and my littlest is almost one, a lot has happened in the past couple of years but its all been amazing!

An Update to my Story (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy, Update 13 Comments

27
3 pregnancies, soon to be 3 births (all c-sections)
5, 3 and due in 4 weeks

I originally posted this in December of 2006. To recap, we were in a serious car accident when I was 24 weeks pregnant with our second child, and it left me with pelvic injuries, and depression. I read my submission recently, and was shocked that I didn’t see at the time just how depressed and angry I was!

I have grown a lot since then. It has been 4.3 years since the accident, and I have finally gotten a diagnosis, and some realistic expectations from my physicians. I have an unstable pelvis, SI joint dysfunction and deterioration, and myofascial pain syndrome. I’m never going to be pain free again, and I have exhausted the available treatments at this time. I can choose to have more prolotherapy, which involves injections of a sugar solution in to the joints in my pelvis/lower back, but having had ~250 injections at this point (20 – 25 per treatment, x 10 treatments,) I have learned that they do not work. I have been in pain 24/7 for the last 4.3 years, but I no longer allow it to rule me. I beat depression, have started a support group for moms coping with chronic pain, and am using my experiences to help other moms who are in the position I was in. I have adopted a new motto in life: “It is what it is.” I cannot change what happened to me, but I can accept it, move forward, and be an advocate for those who haven’t gotten to this point yet J To remind myself of this, I designed a tattoo using some of my favorite elements, and put it over the injection sites on my lower back on June 6th, 2009.

In my original story, I was struggling with being told that I could not carry another child. I am happy to say that I am proving them wrong, because after a BCP failure in June, I am now expecting my third daughter. She will be arriving via c-section on my YDD’s birthday in 4 weeks. It has been an extremely rough pregnancy, but seeing my daughter will make it all worth while!

Thanks for reading!

My tattoo when I first got it
Me at 35 weeks with # 3 J
My girls at a wedding (flower girls)

18 months postpartum (kimq33)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 3 Comments

It took me a long time to accept that my body isn’t going to look the way it did when I got pregnant. I was 18, and 110 lbs at the time, and my stomach was flat. When I was pregnant, I loved my body. I thought it was adorable. I only got a few stretch marks on my thighs, and none on my belly. I used Palmer’s Tummy Butter everyday, usually twice a day.

After my son was born, I hated my body. I gained 50 lbs while I was pregnant, and have lost 40 so far. This was without much excercise, and no dieting. It just took a lot longer than I expected. For about 8 or 9 months, I didn’t like looking in the mirror. Now I feel like I look good again. My body may not look like it used to, but it is still great. It carried my beautiful son for 9 months, what more could I ask for?

Learning to accept my new body and hopefully one day love! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 6 Comments

– 22 years old
– 1st pregnancy
– 4 weeks postpartum

Firstly I would like to say that I think this website is absolutely fantastic! During and following my pregnancy, this site has made me realise that I’m not the only person struggling to come to terms with my new body and anyone who posts pictures of themselves and parts of their bodies that they’re unhappy with (and happy for that matter) are so brave! So to all you mothers who are also struggling, I want to say thanks for making me realise I am not alone!

I gave birth to my beautiful little boy on the 3rd December this year! I am 4 weeks post-partum to this day! Before I was pregnant I weighed just under 11 stone, I was a curvy and volumptuous size UK 12/14. I’ve never really had any major issues with the way I looked, I’d have my ‘fat’ days, but generally I was happy. Throughout my pregnancy I put on a total of about 28 pounds and it generally was all on my belly, so as far as I’m concerned I did quite well. Towards the end I was huge, I also went over by 13 days, so I don’t think this helped either!

Then on the 3rd December 2009 I gave birth to Noah, who in my eyes is the most perfect and beautiful little boy ever! He weighed a very healthy 9 pounds, which explains why I was so huge towards the end!!!

I’m now 4 weeks post partum and I am only 7 pounds heavier than what I was before I had him, so I haven’t got an awful lot to lose, however, it’s not the weight that I’m unhappy about, but the amount of stretchmarks and the way that my body has altered! I didn’t really have many stretchmarks whilst I was pregnant, but then from about week 35 they just came everywhere! There’s now not a part of me that hasn’t got a stretchmark! I’ve got them on my thighs, behind my knees, all over my belly, my bum and my boobs! People keep telling me they’ll fade, but this doesn’t make me feel any better! I want to cry just thinking about the way I look, I actually disgust myself! I hate the way my once perk boobs are no longer and feel almost empty and drooping, my thighs and bum are now so out of shape it’s unreal, I’ve got like a pouch on my belly and my sides are now fatty, which hides what once was my womanly curves! I’m ashamed to even show my body to my partner, who constantly reassures me that he’s not bothered and that I still look beautiful, but I don’t and can’t believe him for one second! If it wasn’t for my partner being at the hospital whilst a midwife checked my stomach, he still wouldn’t have seen it to this day!

I feel so awful and ashamed of myself for feeling so resentful towards my body, because if it wasn’t for my body and the changes it went through, I wouldn’t have my little boy. But I can’t help but hate the way I look! People keep telling me the stretch marks will fade and nothing that a bit of spinning can’t sort out, but I don’t believe them!

I just wish now when I had my body before – which has now long gone – I had appreciated and loved it more, as to be honest it was pretty good, even if I say so myself!!! But for now I’m learning to accept myself and hopefully once I can accept myself, I can then learn to love myself once more!

I’ve attached a picture of firstly my little boy, before I was pregnant and me at about 34 weeks pregnant! I haven’t attached any of me post-partum as it would mean having to get my partner to take them and I’m not yet ready for him to see me! But hopefully in time I will have the courage to post pictures of my post-partum body!

Updated here and here.