Submissions

Almost There! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Original entry here.

Hi again everyone, at the time of my first submission I was about 146 lbs and just hating life altogether. I am now 130 lbs and a bit happier but still have a long way to go. I am still having trouble facing myself in the mirror and it sometimes prevents me from going to work or out of the house at all. I’m thinking I might seek help for this because I honestly feel miserable most of the time… improving physically has helped in a small way though :)

My daughter is almost 3 now and she is the happiest little girl ever, so I am very thankful for that. I just wanted to thank everyone for the support, without it I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. I know I don’t look all that different but I feel healthier so that’s a start! I’m hoping to be at my pre-pregnancy weight by the end of summer… so 2 more months to go to lose 15 or so pounds! I hope I can do it.

I will post another update when and if I make it. Bye for now.

Do I look pregnant? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Ectopic, Postpartum, Question, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 18 Comments

Hi Im really confused at this point and just want some honest opinions. I believe in “intuition” so somebody go there if you will. :)

Im a mother of 3..I had a tubal ligation in 1997 and I became pregnant again in 1999, it was ectopic and ended in surgery. I have not been worried about being pregnant again until now..I was told I had a cyst on my ovaries a few times..some very small ones but they cant ever really be sure if it was a permanent cyst or due to ovulation because both images were taken a few days before my cycle. Other than that I dont have any known conditions.

My question today is do I look pregnant or do you think I have something else causing great swelling. My stomach has continually grown over the last few months. I have taken several pics just to monitor it all but Im about to go crazy:) No positive urine test, although I had a very faint line one time I also had some opk tests which I used recently over a period of 3 days and all gave a line which I am told can sometimes detect hcg, I had an ultrasound earlier this month, it was the fastest one I ever had so I cant be positive she didnt miss anything but its said nothing was seen. The doctor noted my uterine lining was thicker than normal but could of been due to my cycle coming. I have not missed any cycles they have shortened and been less though. I have all other pregnancy symptoms such as bigger breast, heart burn, movement (quickening), cravings, tired and urinated like crazy (a few months ago), my hips have spread, and most of all I got a growing abdomen and a “crooked” darkened linea negra?

I would conclude this all in my head if only there was no movement, and no growing abdomen..So please anyone take a look and all ideas are welcome. The first pic is today 6/21/2010 The second pic is a combination of how my stomach looked in november 09 or so and 5/2010, and the last one is a few days ago 6/17. If anyone feels I am pregnant Im interested in why or how far u think ect?

Thank You, Babies (Bryana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 2 Comments

These are my previous posts:
2 Babies Later
Update
Second Update
Love Youself, Mama, Then Love Everything Else

Age: 22
# of Pregnancies: 3
# of Births: 2
-Rayden 8lbs 4oz 21 inches Dec 12, 2005
-Cairo Sofia 8lbs 7oz 21 inches June 23, 2009
How far PP: 12 Months

This is technically my 4th update, but my 5th post. It is officially 1 year post partum from having my last child, as of June 23rd. It’s definitely an accomplishment but also a moment of realization. I am no longer going to have babies in my house! I have done what my body was designed to do for 2 beautiful children, and now I can go on with watching them grow and become beautiful and amazing people. This brings me more joy than I can put into words. They are gorgeous and brilliant children that I am thankful for every day, every single day.

But now onto myself and the accomplishments I have personally gained. I have learnt to love my body, whether it is “flawed” or not. I love my body. It is beautiful and shows what hard work I
have put into having my children (BIG children at that, especially for my tiny stature of 4’11”!). After my first child, Rayden, now 4 ½ years old, I hated my body. I hated what pregnancy had done to my body and I didn’t dare look at myself nude. However, I was only 18 when he was born. Image was everything and the “right” image were those portrayed through magazines and such.

But once becoming pregnant with my 2nd and last child, Cairo Sofia, 1 year as of June 23, I all of a sudden adored my body. I loved looking at myself knowing I had another child growing inside of me. I would trace my stretch marks and embrace my loose skin. For whatever reason, I had a realization that my body was Beautiful. It is amazing and can do remarkable things that seem so bizarre.

Now that I look at myself at the 1 Year Milestone, I love myself even more. I love myself from the inside out. I am beautiful. My children are beautiful. And I would like to thank them for helping me to see true beauty. Thank you for allowing me to accept myself, “flaws” and all, but no longer view them as “flaws”. Because if it weren’t for the “flaws” you 2 beautiful children would not be here, gracing my life every day!

Thank You Babies!

Updated here.

Embracing My Stretch Marks (Amber)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 9 Comments

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
Age of children: 2, 31 weeks Pregnant

here i am at 31 weeks with our second girl, contemplating my body. i had our first at 18. i was young and fit. no stretchmarks on my belly. after i had her, i got them on my breasts and hips. but i could handle that. eventually they faded to white. i struggled with weight- at my heaviest i was 180 at 5’7. barely overweight but enough to squander any confidence. after jade turned 2 years old, i start losing weight. not lbs, but inches. i felt comfortable in my body. attractive. confident.

just as i whittle my size down to a size 9 pant size, im pregnant again. it was unexpected, but nothing we couldnt handle. my first thought was “oh great. im going to get fat again.”

right now im 204, my heaviest ive ever been. i also got my first stretchmarks on my belly. they’re small and just pink. so im hoping that they’re going to heal quickly. before i got them, i had intentions of going out to the public pool and flaunt my beautiful pregnant body. this is a time where i dont have to suck in my gut or hide behind layers of clothes bc of cellulite. but when i got the marks, all of that was lost. i now swim with a tank top on.

the first time my fiance saw the stretchmarks, he asked me what they were. did i get them from laying on the couch? i was ashamed and embarrassed. i started sobbing and acting like a fool. he of course was confused. i explained to him that they were indeed stretchmarks. he hugged me and told me that i was still beautiful.

i dont feel beautiful. i have horrible acne on my face from the hormones. and im huge. everyone thinks im due next week bc of how big i am. i have the weird hanging fat under my belly. and then the stretchmarks.

i hope before the baby gets here, i can learn to embrace my stretchmarks. that i can learn to love my womanly body. the body i am meant to have. but i cant help but see and envy these celebrities who look like they’ve been pregnant.

Will I ever feel beautiful? (Catherine’s Mommy)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 17 Comments

Age: 21
# Pregnancies/ Births: 1/1
Catherine is 2 1/2 months old.

I’ve read some wonderful stories about finding yourself beautiful AGAIN. But what do you do if you’ve never felt beautiful. I started feeling terrible about the way I looked at age 5. My father who was very mentally and physically abusive always said, “You are too ugly and useless to ever find someone to love you.” My whole life I’ve been mistreated by men. I’ve never been respected and there for have never really loved myself. Not once have I ever looked in the mirror and thought, “I look pretty today.” When I was 19, just 2 years ago, I married the guy I dated from the 2nd week of 10th grade. He cheated on me from day one, but every time I thought about leaving he said he loved me and I stayed. I knew I didn’t love him, but just not being alone was enough for me. Right after we married the physical abuse started and I stayed for awhile after that. I figured I deserved it and wouldn’t find any better. After all that’s what he told me. He would say,” You’re fat, ugly, and useless. No one else would ever want you. You’re used goods.” So I stayed with him for 3 months after we got married. Until I went to work one day and some of the guys I worked with saw a choke mark on my neck. They told me I was moving out that night. They helped me move out while my ex was at work aka at his girlfriend’s house.

I moved back home and 9 months later I found an old friend on myspace and we started talking. My friend and I were raised as practically family. His aunt was my mom’s best friend for about 16 years. When I found him I immediately planned a trip to see him. Even though we hadn’t seen each other in 6 years, because he was in the Air Force something was just telling me I needed to see him. Even though it was an 8 hr drive I had to do it. I visited him March 27th, 2009 and we’ve been in love every since. On July 25th, 2009 we started trying to have a baby knowing we were getting married August 8th. He was so cute about it. He even got on the computer and made out our baby making calendar. He had figured out my ovulation schedule and told me which days we could and shouldn’t have sex. We married on August 8th, 2009 and exactly one week later we found out I was pregnant. I knew about 3 months prior to our ultrasound that we were having a baby girl. Our little Catherine filled my dreams every night(the little that I slept). I was scared we were having a girl. I’m even more scared now that she’s here. I don’t want my daughter to feel the way I do. I want her to love herself and see herself as beautiful. How am I supposed to teach her to love herself when I can’t love myself. I have the most amazing husband in the world. He loves me unconditionally. He still finds me attractive,and he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. Unfortunately I just don’t see how he thinks that. I’m so lost at what to do. How do you decide to love yourself and the way you look?

Just some rambling,
Catherine’s Mommy

7 weeks postpartum with twin boys (Ash)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Twins 17 Comments

Age: 25
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy 2 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 weeks

I had my twin boys at 38 weeks 1 day they were 6 lb 2 oz and 5 lb 5 oz, and perfectly healthy. I gained about 35 lbs with the pregnancy and I had to try pretty hard to put that weight on. I started my
pregnancy at 130 lbs (I’m 5’6″) and I currently weigh 134 and have been at this weight for about 5 weeks now. I seemed to lose most of my weight fairly quickly and was in my old jeans at 5 days postpartum.
Strangers tell me thing like “You look amazing” “Are these really your babies?” “You don’t even look like you’ve had one baby” Sounds great doesn’t it? Except those people don’t have to look at me naked.
I was left with a belly full of stretchmarks and a deformed belly button. I have been trying to not let my body get me down and today is the first day that I really feel hopeless and ugly, I really didn’t think it was THAT bad until I took the pictures. I wish I didn’t care, I wish I still felt beautiful, and I wish I appreciated my body more before. Luckily, my husband is wonderful, literally the best man in the world. He tells me I am more beautiful now than I have ever been, and I believe am to him (he has been very convincing), but I
certainly don’t feel beautiful at all. I got my first stretch mark when I was 30 weeks pregnant and I have not been comfortable in my skin since. I feel like I have a secret under my shirt something no one can ever see, and I am paranoid my shirt will ride up and expose it. During my pregnancy I would constantly think to myself “you are ruined” and “you will never be beautiful again” but I am glad to say I don’t feel entirely ruined, I did make two perfect boys.

I am hoping my skin will tighten up and my stretch marks will fade. How come the fat I have after pregnancy is so much softer than the fat before pregnancy? My belly always had a little bit of fat but it didn’t feel mushy like this. This fat hangs out over my pants and jiggles. I guess I should start a good workout program…

pictures 1-4 are me now, the 5th is a picture of my boys, the 6th is of my belly the day I delivered, and the 7th is my belly right after I found out I was pregnant.

The P90X Experiment (Mary)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 13 Comments

Original post here.
Website: https://slowthisridedown.blogspot.com/

When I wrote “Mirror, Mirror on the wall….Who’s the Most Damaged Mother of them All?” last year I thought that was the end of my journey in accepting my body…little did I know it was just the beginning! I submitted my article to SOAM in February and it was posted on March 9th, a hard day for our family as it’s the anniversary of the death of our niece and nephew, but all the beautiful comments to the article made the day much brighter, thank you!

Over the past few months I’ve been shocked over and over by…how I really do NOT hate my body anymore! It’s a hard feeling to get used to that’s for sure. And I think that loving who you are makes it easier to let go and stick with a healthier lifestyle (for me anyways, I know all mothers are different)…because you know you deserve to treat yourself better. Since I wasn’t depressed about my body I stopped binge eating and had more energy to work out. I even started going to the gym, something I had been too embarrassed to do before, which brought on a whole new appreciation of my body as I watched it change shape once again. My gym is closed for the summer so for the next few months I am attempting to do P90X and I’m blogging about it so that other mothers can follow along and see if it’s the right program for them. The neat thing is that my hubby is doing it with me! 2 years ago I would have never been comfortable enough with my body to huff and puff half naked in front of him but now there is no embarrassment and we are having so much fun working out each night!

This site is amazing and I love how it’s changing so many minds about beauty. A year ago I would have died of embarrassment if anyone had saw one of my stretchmarks….and now I wear a sports bra while I work out and hope that everyone sees them so that they will start to think of them as normal on a mother!

Age: 29
Births: Three
Children: 12, 10, 4

Photos:
1. Me, one year ago.
2. My belly, before I started working out a few months ago.
3. Me today, 50 pounds lighter.
4. My belly today!
5. I love this photo because I think that the stretchmark that is showing is so beautiful.

Labor Story and Accepting My New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

This is my story, just to get it out there for others to share.
My EDD was October 29th 2009

October 29th came along, and passed. I was miserable, I felt huge, and I was tired of having my sciatic nerve pinched to the point I couldn’t move. I can’t count the number of times my fiance had to roll me over because I was unable to. I was supposed to be holding my bundle of joy at this point, but it seems she had other plans for us. I had gone in for a regular appointment, just to check up on things, and was scheduled an induction..after being 2 weeks late.
On November 10th I did the dishes, packed and repacked my bags, and went to wal-mart to get a movie to watch while waiting for my little girl to finally be in my arms. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 p.m, went inside, signed in, and was given my room. After fighting with the robe for a good 45 minutes, the delivery doctor came in to check up on things. My cervix was completely closed and I was only 70% effaced. I was given Cervidil tape to soften my cervix at 7:40 p.m.
At about 9:00 p.m. I started having contractions, not horrible, just uncomfortable. I was able to watch my movie and call my mom letting her know I was to start pitocin Thursday morning around 8:40. Around 11 I was started to feel less uncomfortable and more in pain, I asked for a sleeping pill, as I had been up all the night before too excited to sleep. I was given my sleeping pill and told if it didn’t work, I was in labor. After an hour of being up and down to the bathroom I finally woke Devan to stay up with me. He kept telling me I was in labor, but after being told I wasn’t going to be able to walk, talk or let alone breathe during real contractions, I wasn’t convinced, I was doing all three with no problem. Besides the fact that I was telling Devan I changed my mind and wanted to go home. I even broke the little throw up cup I was given.
Around 12 a.m. I called the nurse to be checked, I was only 1 cm, which wasn’t very encouraging for me. The nurse told me she could take it out, but it’s working and she wanted to keep it in, and even being out it wouldn’t stop labor. Which, in my head, it soooo would stop the pain! I was still medication free, I was given a labor ball and hot towels for my lovely back labor.
At 3 a.m. I asked to be checked again, and was 4c.m. They took the Cervidil out and gave me a Nubane drip, because I was exhausted and had a sleeping pill in my system. I wanted to go all natural, but it seemed if I didn’t get some sleep, I was in for a long labor. Shortly after they hooked me up to my best friend Nubane, I was passed out in a deep sleep. With my drip, I was laboring in my sleep, I would wake up, push through the contraction, and go back to sleep. At first my nurse was telling me not to push, and after I was whimpering that I was sorry and couldn’t help it, she decided that my body had taken over and left me alone. She was amazed and had pulled in other nurses to watch my sleep labor.
At, 4:00 a.m. they hooked me up to my antibiotics, as I had tested positive for Strep B. At 4:56 I was 9 c.m. so they broke my water, I had told them in the beginning that our family labors very quickly, but they apparently didn’t believe me. 4:57 a.m. I started pushing, and they called my mom to come in. Her response? “Is there any point in me coming? I won’t make it there!” she was told yes, come it’ll be awhile before she has the baby.
At 5:06, I had my beautiful baby girl, after only 11 mins of pushing and 6 pushes total. She was out and not happy about it either. I didn’t cry, I thought I was horrible for not crying, I see all these pictures of the mother crying, but All I could do was look at this little face in awe and wonder. My mother did not make it to the birth, I wish she had been able to, but she was about 5 mins too late.
I was only able to nurse Charlee for about a week, I still beat myself up over it for not trying longer. She never latched on right, which caused me to crack and bleed. She was unable to digest blood and would spit up everything, even pumping wasn’t helping my supply, and I eventually dried up. But she’s healthy and happy and that’s all that matters.

After I had Charlee my body was all sorts of different. I’m having a hard time excepting my new body as it is. I know my body doesn’t look bad but I’ve always had image issues, and stretch marks all around my breasts, thighs, butt, calves and hips hasn’t helped this. I have decided I need to accept this body, as it is beautiful. It gave life and there’s nothing more beautiful than that. I am soon to go to the pool with my 7 month old daughter, sporting a nice string bikini. If nobody wants to see, they don’t have to look. And I’m nervous, but I’m okay with that.

I’m sorry this was all over the place, as well as the picture, they jump around, I hope you enjoyed my story, I’m sure there will be more about my adventure in my acceptance of my new body. The bra pictures are about 6 months postpartum.

-My age-19
-Number of pregnancies or birth-1
-Age of my child-7 months old

Coming To Terms With Being Pregnant (Anon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 15 Comments

Age: 22
Pregnancies and births: currently pregnant (4 months)

I found out I was pregnant March 24, 2010. It was a shock for both me and my husband, and I cried when I called to tell him. I wish I could be noble and say that they were tears of joy, but I was shocked, upset, and did not want to be a mother.

I’ve been obsessed with my weight since I was 10 years old. In high school I developed an eating disorder, but my weight remained between 140-150 at 5′ 7″ The lowest I ever got was 135 and you could count all my ribs. I always felt fat, always felt that number on the scale was the only thing that mattered. I carry a LOT of muscle in my legs and have always been pretty thin on top, so it’s hard for me to look healthy when my weight gets too low. I met a man who thought I was beautiful inside and out, grew comfortable with my body and stopped fighting it. Four years later, we went on vacation while I weighed 174, and while I wished I weighed less, I didn’t think I looked entirely undesirable. When my hsuband went out to sea (he’s in the Navy) I went about frantically losing weight, exercising, dieting religiously… when he got back 3 months later I lost 30lbs and settled at 145.

Three months later I had settled at a non-dieting weight of 154… and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. And that positive test result was like a death march in my head: YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAT. And there’d be nothing I could do about it. I’ve been making peace with the idea of gaining weight, it’s not easy. I had to start eating throughout the day when I was used to eating one or two meals and occasionally purging. I’ve been chilling around 163 for the last three weeks. I try to exercise every day– I have leg weights I do lifts with, a treadmill and stationary bike– I want so badly to be fit for my pregnancy so that after the bit I can go back to being the way I was.

My husband’s shipmates tease him by saying I’ll gain like crazy and I’ll be a whale…. to his credit, he sticks up for me and says I’m too devoted to my body to let self go like that and whatever weight I do gain will not make me fat, it’ll make me pregnant. I’ve found that I love hearing him say that. Do I look fat? No, baby, you look pregnant. I could get used to that. I’m grateful that I’ve managed to find a man who has never once used my physical body to put me down. He’s never called me fat, never said anything derogatory toward me.

I do love this site. It makes me feel like I have the courage to face what may happen to my body with a little dignity instead of running from it like a child. I’ll definitely post again when I really start showing… right now the suspect baby bump comes and goes. I don’t want to be stick thin anymore. I’ve made enough peace with my body that I can accept it’s beautiful as it is; I no longer think models like Miranda Kerr and Alesandra Ambrosio are healthy-looking or that their bodies are particularly enviable… I am built like a woman, I could never look like a little boy, it’s not in my genes. I’ve grown to respect and adore models like Lizzie Miller and Crystal Renn, they have the womanly figure and make me aspire to look more like Aphrodite… not Angelina. When I look at their beauty, it gives me confidence that I can stay healthy through this pregnancy and still be beautiful afterwards— even with a few stretch marks and extra pounds.

First Picture: me, July 2009 (174 lbs)
Second Picture: me, December 2009 (145 lbs)
Third Picture: 15 weeks along (163 lbs)
Fourth Picture: 16 weeks along (still 163, but where did the bump go??)

Updated here, here and here.