Pregnant

Pregnancies shouldn’t be this difficult. (Shelby)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Are you ready for this?

Okay, so I was a Virgin until I met the father of my children, I was 18, he was 21.. We wore condoms religiously until it broke one time and after i didnt get pregnant we really didnt worry. So, a year goes by and we just thought maybe one of us was reproductively broken in a way of words. BOY WERE WE WRONG! I got pregnant with our son, whose now 20 months old close to our 2 year anniversary, it seems nice except, the father wanted to just be wasted and not be there for me thru my pregnancy. I lost 19lbs the first trimester from the horrible constant all hours of the day vomiting. He never really was connected with me like I wanted him to be. I can count on one hand how many times he whillingly touched my stomach to feel our son kick and it tore me apart inside. 2 months after I had our son my boyfriend was apparently talking to other women bc I ended up having an episotomy from hell, cut all the way to the side of my poor butt hole, couldnt sit for a month and i was mad b/c I put my body thru hell, I feel like I ruined myself for a man who just wanted to use me for his own pleasure and giving him children and not bothering about how i felt about it all. I was 19 when i got pregnant and 20 when I had our son. Well once we could have sex again things seemed to change as horrible as it sounds, but we ended up breaking up after he tried to mount a supposeable friend on new years.. I gained 40 lbs after i left him and moved back to my home town, well I missed the bastard and we got back together after me taking care of our son by myself for over 6 months.. when my son was 10 months old we conceived our daughter again dispite my constant urges to wear condoms, he would literally rip them off while we were having sex. So i was very depressed when I conceived my dauther, then we found out she had a dialated ventricle in her brain, it was HELL going to the specialist 2 hours from home, and on top of everything he left me when i was pregnant b/c he is a meth addict.. he came around me and my son when he was on it, he hung out with this girl i used to be friends with and she taught him how to shoot up, I caught her in our bed, him in the kitchen going to get a spoon to OD himself, If i hadnt have walked in the house to catch them b/c he wasnt answering his phone after our son was hurt, he wouldnt me here. well none the less i called the cops on him. he went to jail sobered up got bailed out, moved in with his mom. relapsed when he moved back and i was the one AGAIN to find the needles in the garbage, I went thru going to the specialist on my own, living out of boxes sleeping on a couch with my son at my mothers house, being used by the man I devoted my entire life and body to, worrying what possible std i couldve contracted weither it be hepatitis or herpes b/c of the girl we has shooting up with is the town WHORE… I wanted to literally die, to not give birth to my daughter b/c she didnt deserve to live in a world like this.. well I struggled and struggled and didnt eat for days at an end b/c of everything that was going on.

thankfully I made it thru everything, had my daughter, tore slightly, my vagina is not the same, my stretch marks from my first pregnancy only grew a little on the top, but now my skin sags im terrified to lose weight b/c i dont want to sag further. The father of my children came clean with everything he was doing, deleted all the druggies out of his life, removed all the paraphenalia from the house, is waiting to be charged with a possible felony, was there for hte birth of our daughter, IM BEYOND HAPPY HE WORE CONDOMS WHEN HE SLEPT WITH OTHER WOMEN and didnt give me anything. im struggling with my body image and the constant horror of everything thath append, the feeling of betrayl, NO PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE I DID.. There is sooo much more to my story, I deal with overwhelming Panic attacks and Flashbacks of walking in on him and her and the look he gave me and all the lies he told me for nearly 9 months, the persistant presence of other women he was interacting with and making me feel like i was there to give him children, to do what he wanted and that he deserved to have his pie and eat it too along with some cake on the side, thinking about it disgusts me.. We are going to go to counseling, but everything thats happened.. its all too much to bare..

Im 6ft tall, before my son I was 190 average, after my son i ballooned (or atleast i felt that way) to over 240, size 36 pant, none of my pre pregnancy pants fit. My daughter I was 220 pregnant (massive weight loss due to major depression) After I had her I lost over 30 lbs from delivery alone, now Im back up to 220 post pregnancy, I do not love myself, Im horrible depressed, If it werent for my children id honestly be 6ft under.. I dont know how to be happy anymore, I cry every night before bed and the boyfriend is to the point where he doesnt want to talk about it bc he has a bad heart (genetic & drug induced) he has been having mini heart attacks @ only 25 and sometimes i wonder if it would just be better to let him find someone else to make him and happy and my children me and my stretch mark riddled body just go make another life & me be a single mother because I will NEVER let another man get close to me to hurt me like he has.

Ill include some pictures taken the day before I had my daughter, I had cried the whole day & my neighbor lady took them and insisted I smile…

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 Pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 20 Months boy, 6 weeks girl PP 6 weeks

(Morgan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: (current) 20 (At time of delivery) 19
3 pregnancies, 1 (natural) birth (2 miscarriages during their first trimesters)

My daughter, Lauren, is 1 1/2 currently. When she was born she was 9 lbs. 3 oz. 22.75 in.

Pre-pregnancy weight: 150 on a bad day
Post-pregnancy weight to date: 198 on a bad day

1st picture: Pre-pregnancy
2nd picture: 7 months prego
3rd picture: 8 months prego
The rest are 1 1\2 years pp

I gained 54 pounds during pregnancy.. I caved in to almost all of my cravings and didn’t care how I ate because everyone told me I was so young and thin that my body would snap back. So I ate with confidence in the fact that I’d lose all the weight. I also played volleyball, basketball, and soccer to have my physique. Sports ended when I got pregnant and I had nothing active to jump back into. My husband also gained about 30 pounds during pregnancy and still has yet to lose weight as well. We love each other despite our body changes and he is always reminding me of my beauty and that my body is a sexy baby maker.

I run a group on Facebook called, The Mommy Network and it has fulfilled me in certain ways as a mom, but this is my first step to self-esteem recovery. I hope I can make someone feel better about themselves by posting this and in that, I feel better about myself.

Discomfort is an Understatement (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

~Age:22, Pregnancies: 1 (this is my first)

I’m not sure I’ve ever totally been comfortable with my body. I’m 5’1″, and am nearing 195lbs right now. I’m also 37 weeks and 3 days into my pregnancy. Before I got pregnant, I wasn’t the thinnest of girls, weighing in at around 145lbs. This is still heavier than I would have liked. I grew up as a very thin girl, and I was generally around 105lbs at most all through high school, but even then I was uncomfortable with my skin. It started with the stretchmarks on my breasts when I was 13. I’m extremely fair skinned, so when they showed up, (and even now..) they were very dark red/purple. Then it was the constant comments from my own mother about how I was “too pale” and needed to “get out in the sun more.” I also had the unfortunate nickname of “shark bait” for a while because my mother felt my thighs were unnaturally pale.

After high school I began to gain a little weight. A couple pounds here, a few there.. I still managed to stay under 120 for a while. My mother, who had been overweight for most of my childhood life, had lost almost 80lbs by this point, and dropped another 25 or so after her hysterectomy a while later. This new weight loss caused a lot of teasing coming my way. It was always meant as teasing, and I knew that, but you can’t help but to take it a little personally when your own mother tells you that you need to “drop that gut” at least once a week. This just started an endless cycle, which resulted in my gaining more weight.

I struggled to keep myself at 130-135lb, and lost that battle. Weighing around 150lbs at the age of 21, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It was sudden and unexpected, but my boyfriend and I are happy about this. At least, I was happy until the weight gain started. Every time I step on that scale at my OB’s office, I just want to cringe and run out of the office. And the bigger I got, the harder it’s been for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I use lotion 1-2 times a day on my tummy, my legs, my breasts, my hips.. And, as you can see, I still developed deep, dark stretchmarks. Even when I was thin, I never judged someone based on their weight. I decided how I felt after I knew more about them as a person, but I feel like hiding away and never going into public ever again. I always feel like someone, anyone who sees me, is judging my size, despite the fact that I’m pregnant. When people take pictures of me, I can’t even stand to look at them. I even have mini meltdowns every single time I take a shower because I have to look at this strange, swollen form of what used to be my body. I’m at a point where I would be happy without a mirror in the entire house. I know weight gain during pregnancy is normal. As are stretchmarks. Somewhere along the way, I guess I started to feel that I’m alone in my struggle.

I know my body will never be the same after having children. It’s just a fact of life, and one I’ve gratefully accepted since my body being a little different is a small price for a beautiful, healthy child. I just wish I knew where to start in terms of accepting my body as it is right now. Discomfort is an understatement for me. I loathe seeing my own body in the mirror. And sometimes I’m afraid that feeling will never go away.

Everyone Tells Me I Look Fine… NOT (Christina)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 10 Comments

Age:23
Pregnancies/Births: 1 pregnancy 1 birth
Childs Age: 14 months

Ok so I was 196lbs in March of 2010. I went on weight watchers and got down to 160lbs. June 8th,2010 I stopped weight watchers and my doctor said I had gotten pregnant that first week of June. So long story short, nine months later, at 6:15 pm I delivered my first born. I delivered at 196. How ironic! Anywho, I am now 160 lbs again but I dont feel the same. My husband says that I look great. I dont think so.

I began purging around 17. Stopped for a couple years and then picked up around 6 months PP to try to drop a few extra pounds. I just cant get there. So its off and on now.

Before my son, I had a navel piercing. After I gave birth it stretched out and now looks kind of funny. My breasts sag and I really dont like that. As far as stretchmarks, I got a few more than I already had on my sides, and my stomach ones are centralized around my navel. So although I didnt make out too bad, Im still not 100% comfortable in my “new” skin. Everyone tells me that “I’m a tiger (a mother) that has earned her stripes”. Its an empowering quote but then I look in the mirror. I want to lose 10-15 more pounds.

I would ultimately like to have another kid but when I look in the mirror I am not sure. I am afraid of the effects it will have on my body. Hubby says he loved me at 196, and loves me at 160. But I dont love myself enough yet. I feel like sometimes I am all over the place with my emotions. Just hope I can get a grip. Im tired of everyone telling me that I am trying to get to small. I know where I want to be, and if I cant get there then I will never be happy. The pics are at 39 weeks and now.

Ashamed and Unsatisfied (Kristen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

age 20, one pregnancy, one birth, little girl, 7 months postpartum

I carried a 100% healthy little girl a little over seven months ago. She was born 1 day after her due date, September 15, 2011. She weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces. I have never been the skinniest girl, nor will I ever be. I’m the average size 14 girl, until I got pregnant. I am 20 years old, a stay at home mom, a military wife, I have all that I could ever want, and feel ashamed that I could not like my body as much as I do. I have always tried to be active and eat healthy, but no matter how hard I have tried, it’s hard for me to lose the baby weight, the bigger thighs and the ‘love handles’. Every day, as I slip my clothes on, I wonder, “why can’t this just go away?” Then, as I walk down the hallway to grab my daughter from her crib, I remember why I look this way. I carried a beautiful little girl. This girl completes me in ways that I never thought could be. If I have anything to still learn, is to love my body. There are days where I could just cry and wear sweat pants all day, and there are those days that I think to myself, bring on the world. It is a battle, and I am proud to wear my battle scars all over my belly.

Pictures as followed
#1. 40 weeks pregnant
#2 40 weeks pregnant
#3 Zoe Jayne the day she was born
#4 Zoe at current age (7 months)
#5 7 months postpartum body

Mommy of 4 Boys (Carollee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Endometriosis, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

Hi, My name is Carollee and I’m from Cleveland, OH. I was 19, 5’4′ and weighed about 130lbs when I got pregnant with my oldest son, Anthony. I gained the least amount of weight with him (about 50lbs) and delivered a happy healthy boy in Jan 2001. I had a typical what you read about delivery. 12 hour labor, Epidural at 4cm, but I only pushed once! He weighed 7lbs 2 oz and was 21 inches long. Complete Perfection!

A year later I was down to 115lbs. After suffering through a Miscarriage in Jan 2002, I got pregnant with my 2nd son in March. I carried differently, but I got huge and delivered him in Dec 2002 at 41 weeks weighing in at 190lbs. He was my biggest baby. He weighed 8lbs. My labor was a total of 3 hours from the first time I had a contraction until he was here. I did not have time for an Epidural but they did give me nerve block to help with the pain, which it did not! That was the hardest labor for me and I almost didn’t want more kids after him because of it. The nurses came sneaking into my room the next morning. I guess I turned into a devil women and was very nasty to everyone in my room. They were happy to see I was really a nice person, lol!

During the next year I had some problems with my girlie parts. I was diagnosed with a condition called Adenomyosis. It’s similar to Endometriosis, but slightly different. I was told if I planned on more kids I needed to do it now because I would most likely need a full Hysterectomy within the next few years. We decided to go ahead and have one more. I had lost a ton of weight after I had my 2nd son and when I finally got pregnant with my 3rd son in Nov/2005 I only weighed 103lbs. When I delivered him in July I was topping the scales at almost 200lbs. I was all belly!!! I am surprised I did not topple over I was so big!! I had another very fast delivery with him. It was 4 hours from my first contraction and I didn’t have to push at all. I was able to get an epidural so my labor with him was painless and I was not the evil devil women I was before!! He was a healthy 8lb 2 oz bundle of joy.

I only stayed non pregnant for 9 months. A family vacation to Niagara Falls sent us home with an extra surprise. I was 125lbs when I got pregnant with my last little guy. I gained a ton of weight again and delivered him on January 9th weighing in at 199lbs. I had to be induced because I was 41 weeks and because of how fast my deliveries went. When they induced me they gave me an epidural right after. They had checked me after the epidural and I was 3 cm. The nurse walked around my bed to put my info in my chart and I told her I could feel him crowning. She said it was impossible. My water broke and she reached over and his head was right there! I was still in a Triage room. there was no heating bed, Doctor, anything. She called the nurses station while holding his head inside me with 2 fingers. My Dr was just getting there. She ran around the bed just in time to see Killian plop onto the bed! I had not been in the hospital for 2 hours total and he was here. He weighed 7lbs 8oz and was another perfect little boy.

My body has been on a roller coaster of weights. My stomach has been stretched out, my chest has been everywhere from a “C” cup pre-pregnancy to a “DD” after birth to settle down to completely deflated “A” cups. I always had a problem nursing because my chest would literally just deflate and I would have very little milk production. I have stretch marks, but they are proof that I carried these 4 boys inside me. They remind me of the little kicks, back flips, and jabs to the ribs.

Pictures:
1~ Me Pre Kids
2~ 7 Months prego with my oldest
3~My Oldest, Anthony
4~ 5 months prego with my 2nd
5~ My 2nd Boy, Garrett
6~ After my 2nd
7~ 39 weeks prego with my 3rd
8~ My 3rd baby boy, Dalton
9~ 38 weeks prego with my 4th
10~ My baby boy, Killian
11~ My Boys, Worth every every Stretch mark :)
12~ Me Today 4-24-2012

~Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5 Pregnancies; 4 Births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My boys are 11, 9, 5 & 4

I closed my kanga in the oven door (Britne)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, PCOS, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 2 Comments

Age-26
1 pregnancy, 1 birth, Zoey, age 16 months.
Photos: 1- 15 weeks pregnant, 2. 40 weeks pregnant, 3. Kanga!! (16 months after birth)

After being told I would never have a child (due to PCOS) I did the impossible; I conceived naturally and quite by surprise. Now, my bright and beautiful 16-month-old daughter lives up to her name, Zoey, meaning life. I have never, EVER, been so entertained since having a child. Of course, having a child brought on the all the “joys” of a life-changing event. Including, but not limited to the pregnancy acne, hair growth, mood swings, pain of a c-section, and of course the beloved kangaroo sack of hanging skin that seems to drape ever-so-gracefully over my crooked c-section scar.

A few days ago, I was cooking dinner. Which I happen to do quite frequently since my husband likes to eat, and I mean EAT. Well, this particular night, my daughter was doing the whole hangy/pully off the clothes thing on my leg and I gently pushed her over a bit. Well she got mad and grabbed the bar that runs across the oven door and pulled the oven open. Well, me being me, I just pushed her back and went to close the oven door while turning off a burner at the same time. Lo and behold, my dang kanga belly got pinched when I leaned up and over to the burner controls, and I mean a good gob of flesh that was pinched, while shutting the door. I nervously yanked my Kanga out of the oven and quickly looked to see if my hubby had saw what had happened. Thankfully, he was too engrossed with his NHL Stanley Cup Finals. Ive come to terms with bad-ole-Kanga, learning what underwear “holds” Kanga in, and let me tell you it is not any Victoria’s Secret thongs anymore. In fact, my hubby was folding clothes and held up a pair of full-butt panties and exclaimed “wow, hun, are these yours?” I said “Of course not, they are Megs.” Meg is a friend of mine that visits and who leaves clothes at my home since she lives a bit away. The coolest part of Kanga (lol), is when my daughter finds rolls of lipstick or markers that she should not have and brings them to “show” me and I quickly hide them underneath Kanga/in the fold of my leg because she has figured out the whole behind-the-back thing.

On another note, my daughter is obsessed with bellybuttons, and frequently pulls up her shirt in stores to show people her bellybutton much to my mortification and then wants you to pull your shirt up and show her your bellybutton. Well, of course I play this game at home, but the sad part is with all the extra skin from Kanga, my daughters little finger just kept going and going into the space where my bellybutton is. For some reason, pregnancy has made my bellybutton hole deeper, or maybe its just the extra skin folding into itself. So instead, we play “find Daddy’s bellybutton and Mommy’s ear.” My husband is naturally thin, although Zoey will not touch his tummy for some reason (although his tummy is a bit hairy, so think it is rather scary to her.) Not only does she want to look at your bellybutton, but she also wants to blow on your tummy and make the gassy noise. I’m all game for that, but when she did this to the inside of my leg I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Its bad enough that my daughter thought my leg was my stomach.

For sums, I wouldn’t trade being a Mommy for anything. I look at my ultra-thin/sexy/successful neighbor and sometimes I am jealous. Jealous of her freedom, good looks, ability to get more sleep than I do, and probably most of all for being a little selfish and putting herself first. We throw ourselves away when we become a Mommy, I am just learning how to dig myself out of the dumpster and recycle myself. Ive lost about 15 pounds now, and I am exercising daily. I no longer look at Kanga and feel disgust, I look and I see LIFE, my ZOEY.

I Want My Body Back (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Toxemia 21 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5.5 month old ds/5.5 months pp

As long as I can remember, I have struggled with body image issues. All throughout my school years, I was always the big/fat/chunky/chubby/amazon woman or what have you. I was 5’9″ and 210 at my heaviest. I have also struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. When I was 19, I went on a one month food cleanse/detox per my naturopath and 5 months later, I was down 70 pounds. I was now 5’10” and 140-145 and felt and looked amazing, however at the time I still felt self conscious. I look back at pictures of what I used to look like and I just want to kick myself for wasting all that time hating a gorgeous person… Fast forward to November 10, 2011, I was 21 years old and via 3 week early induction and then emergency c-section due to pre eclampsia (at one point I gained over 20 pounds in one week from fluid), my son was born. He is my WORLD and has changed my mind and heart for the better… however, he also changed my body, completely and drastically. Due to stress, pre eclampsia and laziness, I gained over 100 pounds throughout my pregnancy. I stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office but I am now almost 6 months pp and 220 pounds, 80 pounds overweight. I don’t even feel like myself anymore, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling immense pain and grief. I don’t want to wear maternity jeans and sweatpants and huge tshirts all the time, I feel like a big bum and it doesn’t help my depression. I went from a size 3/5 jeans to not even being able to wear a 14; size small/medium shirts to large/xlarge. I have shopped in the plus sizes for the first time in my life. I am exclusively breastfeeding and not losing any weight! I’m even eating healthy, gluten/wheat/dairy free for my son. I just want to love myself for what I look like now. I don’t want to be worried that I’ll never find a man to love me. I want to feel comfortable in clothes and be a great positive example for my son. I just don’t want to be in pain when I think about my body. I haven’t even seen any other mom with stretch marks like mine, or who had the weight gain I had. I wouldn’t want to take anything back though, my baby boy is my entire world, I can’t imagine ever living without him and he completes me. Even though I feel ugly on the outside, I am a changed person on the inside. I love my mind now, and that has to count for something.

1. me at my lowest/healthiest weight
2. 17 weeks pregnant
3. 37 weeks pregnant
4. my beautiful son (5 months old)
5. 5.5 months pp front view
6. 5.5 months side view
7. me now at 220 pounds.

The Body I’ve Learned to Live With (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

I’m 22 years old, I am now 20 months postpartum with my first son and 19 weeks pregnant with my second. I’ve always been on the chubbier side weighing 140lbs at only 5″2,before I got pregnant with my first. I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy and never seemed to be able to get it off. I’ll never forget sitting in the doctors office and seeing a weight chart and finding out I’m no longer categorized as overweight but now stage one obese. I haven’t worn a pair of jeans in over two years. Going up six pant sizes is heartbreaking. Now with my second on the way I can only think about how my body will be after birth. Though I was chubby ore pregnancy with my first, my stomach was “perky” it didnt hang low or go over my pants. Now with the added weight, the stretched out skin and probably the loss of muscles (from a c section) I’ve got a low hanging flap of skin and fat which I try to live with. I fear I’ll never have the body I had…the body I hated once but wish I could have again. I have more then my share of stretch marks but they don’t bother me at all, my cellulite covered butt and thighs dont bother me too much..it’s my stomach that haunts me daily. I’ve learn to laugh and be open with my weight. Im my bothered by blurting out how much I weigh ( like it isn’t obvious) but when I’m alone in a changing room trying on outfits after outfits without finding something flattering, I break down and sob. What upsets me is mothers who are thin complaining about how “fat” they look during pregnancy. If only they felt how I feel today. It all comes down to thinking positive. I have my ups and downs but when I think about the beautiful healthy child I have in my life because of this body, nothing else matters. I have a child now that will love me until I die no matter what I look like,no matter how many stretch marks I have,no matter how low my stomach hangs, no matter how thick my thighs are. What I have is love and that is more important then how others view me.

The Stranger in the Mirror (Miserable)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 17 Comments

Before my first pregnancy in 2008 I was relatively slim: 9 stone 7 lbs ( 133 pounds in American money!) although I don’t think I carried it well as I’m short: 5′ 3″, and I’ve always had a big bottom and wide hips, but even so I was in fairly good shape. I was a lot slimmer before 2008, I’d had one of those years and put on about half a stone so I was already on the path to self-loathing. But when I became pregnant I really wasn’t concerned with putting on weight and for the first time in many years I didn’t bother about calorie counting and ate what I wanted when i wanted, but never for two! Oh OK, I ate for about 10 when I went on holiday to Barbados halfway through my pregnancy but otherwise I ate properly some days, a bit OTT others. While I knew I would have to lose a few pounds after giving birth I was enjoying the fact that I didn’t need to starve myself and that I felt free of the bulimia/weight on/weight off cycle I’d been in during my twenties. I was very excited about the impending birth of my son.

At 4 months’ pregnant I BALLOONED overnight. And it didn’t stop; I even had people stop me in the street and ask if I was expecting twins and at 16 weeks pregnant when flying from Italy, where I lived, to the UK I was asked for my doctor’s letter to say I could fly (a letter which, in Europe, we don’t have to have until 28 weeks pregnant) and in one restaurant that we frequented regularly in Italy the waitress was aghast when she saw me at around 6 months pregnant and said (in Italian) “My God how much weight have you put on? You must have put on 40 kilos, my daughter only put on 11 kilos in her whole pregnancy. You English eat far too much!” I left immediately in tears. After 7 and half months I didn’t leave the house other than to pop downstairs to the local greengrocer for some fruit. It was completely crushing to have people stare at me, to see my reflection in shop windows, to be asked how many were in there, to be told I was fat. I was but I didn’t want to be told so. The latter part of my pregnancy was completely ruined and, looking back, I think depression had started to set in even then. It didn’t help that my stepdad (who had brought me up from age 5) was dying of Cancer and my mum was so engrossed in her caring role that she virtually ignored my pregnancy. We had to have our son in the UK (for reasons of nationality) so at 8 and a half months pregnant we got the sleeper train to the UK. We booked a holiday cottage and waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. I refused to be induced and our baby was born 21 days overdue! I was devastated to end up with an emergency caesarean (I’m English! This is how we spell it!) due to our baby turning back-to-back, placenta abrupting and a few other things (which i don’t care to remember), I had been staunchly against caesareans throughout my pregnancy and to this day I am heartbroken that I didn’t get the natural birth I wanted. yes, I know the most important thing was a healthy baby, I really do, but I still mourn not having a normal delivery. I feel denied my womanly right.

I didn’t get to hold our baby for an hour and 20 minutes after the birth – not because there was anything wrong, not because I’d had a general (I hadn’t), simply because the midwife handed him to my partner without thinking and forgot to say that I could hold him (we thought that perhaps I wasn’t allowed to in the operating theatre). When we got to the recovery room I asked to hold him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me – it wasn’t the look of recognition that so many women talk about, it wasn’t love, I felt like he was saying ‘Oh no, I’ve got YOU!” From that day to this he’s always been Daddy’s boy. I think the postnatal depression started in earnest the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my son, but it wasn’t a happy time after the birth – for a long time. While in hospital I didn’t worry about my enormous belly that still looked at least 6 months pregnant, even when my dad came to see me and said sarcastically, “You’ve got a lovely figure now, haven’t you?!” (tact, diplomacy, sensitivity – not his strong points). That started about a week later.

During pregnancy no. 1 I put on 70 pounds.

I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and didn’t lose a single pound (other than the 14 I lost giving birth and losing water immediately after). My stepdad died when my son was 7 months old and I lost 14 pounds then. A year later I lost 7 pounds then went to New Zealand to visit relatives and put it back on (cakes galore made by my partner’s mum). I’d just started to lose again when I became pregnant with no.2 and, just as before, bang! I looked 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks. I had recently joined the gym on a special programme via the doctor but I had such terrible morning sickness and was so uncomfortable with heartburn (which started at 6 weeks and continued to 39 weeks, not a day’s let up) and my general size that I gave up at 3 months pregnant. At 4 months pregnant, mid October 2010, I was asked by the checkout operator at the supermarket if I would be having a Christmas baby. When I told him “No, a Spring baby” he almost fell on the floor. We had moved back to the Uk by this time and I have to say that the comments about my size were fewer than they had been in Italy. But still I felt not unlike Jabba the Hut. This time I had prenatal depression and it was awful, I really struggled to get through it and had counselling all through the pregnancy. Happily, however, the day son no. 2 was born (caesarean again after 38 and a half weeks of planning a VBAC I was forced to change my mind as baby was transverse and had been all the way through the pregnancy that they could tell) it lifted, just melted away. This time, I held my baby almost as he was born (a very understanding surgeon who agreed to many non-routine things for me) and he looked at me with love.

During pregnancy no. 2 I put on 42 pounds. Considerably better than no.1 but remember I hadn’t lost much after no.1 so I ended up 14 pounds heavier than I had done at the end of pregnancy no.1. But this time I lost 28 pounds within a month of giving birth, then slowly lost another 7 over the next 6 months, then stopped. Again I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and now my son is 12 months I still feed him myself twice a day. But I have lost no more weight. I admit I comfort eat. And eat. And loathe. And eat and then I do it all again, it goes on in a vicious cycle. I haven’t seen my pubic hair for 4 years now due to the enormous overhanging lump of lard around my middle – and I used to have quite a flat stomach, proudly so. I am 4 dress sizes bigger than I used to be pre-children. I have a proper double chin that Tevye would proud to see on Golde. I have 3 huge boxes of beautiful, some expensive, clothes that I cannot wear and slump around in supermarket threads which are cheap in the hope that soon I will be able to get my real clothes out again. I avoid some old friends who want to see me after living abroad for many years because I’m so embarrassed about how I look compared to when they last saw me and I was slim. Every couple of months I manage to find some motivation and do some exercise and start a diet but when I lose only 3 or 4 pounds in a month or so I lose heart and binge on, well anything really. Half the problem with exercise is that the overhang really hurts if I do much more than a brisk walk – it literally slaps me on the upper thighs and swings from side to side.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror, every single bit of me looks like someone else. And I don’t like her.

Age 38

Picture 1 shows me at 8 weeks pregnant, first pregnancy 2008
Pic 2 Approx 18 weeks
Pic 3 Approx 38 weeks
Pic 4 Today, 21st April 2012 (I didn’t take any pics of myself during pregnancy no. 2)