Postpartum

For Ava (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 17 Comments

Age: 23
Number of pregnancies: 1, Births 1
4 Weeks postpartum

I am 23 years old and had my beautiful daughter 4 weeks ago. When I found out I was pregnant, I weighed 126 pounds, the day I delivered my daughter Ava, I weighed 186. I gained 60 pounds!! I am 5’7 and have always been very thin. My main issue with my body is NOT the weight gain, it is the horrible stretch marks. A week after giving birth via c-section, I had lost 20 pounds. I have since lost a total of 30 pounds. I used to have a GREAT body, now when I look in the mirror I am so disgusted by what I see. I have massive stretch marks on my stomach, thighs, inner thighs, back of my legs, back of my knees, my waist, breasts and my butt. I did not use any lotion during pregnancy because I heard that it doesn’t matter how much lotion you use, if you are going to get stretch marks, then you will get them. I am so depressed by the way my body looks, it is summer and I cannot wear a bikini. I am now trying to find a tank tini so it will at least partially cover these hideous things. Nobody I know has stretch marks as bad as mine and that makes me feel horrible. My husband tries to encourage me and say ” they will go away” or “they will get lighter” but it doesn’t matter, until, then I am disgusted. Even though I feel disgusting, I am soooo grateful for my sweet baby girl and would do it all over again. In time I will learn to accept my new body and maybe they will get lighter or some may even go away.

Surfin’ Mama (Gia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

Age: 39
2 boys ages 5 years and 10 months
10 months post partum

I have a scar on my calf. It is thin and whitened with age, and every year that passes it fades just a little bit more. That makes me sad, because I love this scar. I loved it even more when it was new, thick, and hideously red. When people saw it, they were prompted to ask, “How’d you get that scar?” I would proudly say, “When I was first learning to surf.” Then I would tell them about how I paddled out on a day that I shouldn’t have. The waves were overhead, the rip current churning, the black flag thwacking in the wind, but I hopped on my board anyway. I paddled through the whitewash, duck-dove through the impact zone, and waited through several sets to gather the courage to drop into one of those ferocious waves. When I finally did, my timing was just a little bit off, and I went over-the-falls. For the non-surfers reading this, that’s when the wave drags you up and over, then comes crashing down on top of you, bashing you into the ocean floor, churning you relentlessly before spitting you out in the shallows. Somewhere in that murky washing machine, a fin on my board sliced through my leg. By the time I struggled back up to the beach, I was bleeding profusely, but I felt strangely exhilarated. I had conquered my fear. It’s a moment I will remember forever.

I don’t feel the same way about the scars on my belly. They are thin and whitened with age, and every year that passes I wish I could erase them completely. If there was a safe, easy, painless way to do it, I wouldn’t hesitate. But a tummy tuck seems extreme in my case, and adding a severe, hip to hip scar to get rid of a bunch of tiny ones, all so I can wear a bikini for three months out of the year, seems a little illogical. I’m not sure why I can’t embrace them like some of you. I love my kids, and stretch marks are a small price to pay, but I’m not emotionally attached to them in any way. I don’t think stretch marks make me stronger, more interesting, wiser, or more motherly. I don’t think that women who don’t get them are missing out on any sort of badge of honor or courage, “warrior stripes” as some call them. While I respect that others celebrate them, to me, they are not something I’ve earned. They’re just stretch marks.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a roommate who would spend hours examining herself in a magnifying mirror. She would pluck and poke at imaginary flaws in her perfect porcelain skin. When I would ask her what the hell she was doing she would respond, “Can’t you see that?” I tried to explain to her that no one views her through a magnifying glass. No one stands that close, so it’s pointless to look at yourself that way. This didn’t console her, and she would turn back to her mirror and start picking again.

It occurred to me the other morning, when I was standing at the mirror, staring at my belly in the unforgiving morning light, that I also look at myself in the wrong way. People do not just see one part of me, they see the overall shape. They do not stare at my stomach, my nose, my feet (okay, my husband stares at my ass, but you get my point). So I took five steps back and really just looked at the overall package, the way a stranger would look at me. An amazing thing happened. The stretch marks disappeared, and I saw what I am. An athlete. Broad shoulders, muscular arms, toned legs. I saw a healthy, active mother. So whether you’re athletic, curvy, or thin, embrace your overall shape. Forget the cellulite, the wrinkled skin, the moles, the stretch marks. You’re the only one looking at them, in the right light, at the right distance, in the exact position, that amplifies their significance. Then jump into the future for just a moment, and ask your 80 year-old self how she feels about the body you have right now, stretch marks, sagging belly skin and all. You’ll be shocked at the response. You know what mine said? “I just wish I could still paddle out and surf.”
Picts taken today

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood (Maya)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Complications in Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

~Age 34
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4.5 years, 7 months

I thought I was either going to jump out my second story window or smash all the plates in my house. I was just crazy with grief. Imagine finding out you’re pregnant with twins and losing them the same day.

I have a rare condition called incompetent cervix that means the baby is born in the second trimester. Unfortunately that’s way to early to save the baby. I was four months along when I gave birth to a little girl and boy. Immediately after their birth, I went into emergency surgery because I was hemorrhaging through the placenta.

As other people reached out to help me make sense of what happened, I found myself on a journey of self-discovery. Through all the suffering I started to recognize compassion in others regarding problems with pregnancy. It felt like the coolest balm on a hot day.

Instead of jumping out the window, I bought a punching bag. Whenever I got angry about losing the twins, I’d do a few rounds on the bag. I went back to my karate dojo. Four months after my loss, I took part in a karate tournament. Reaching small goals like that kindled a fire that I would one day hold my healthy baby in my arms.

I became pregnant with my son Samuel seven months after losing the twins. I had to get a stitch placed in my cervix to keep the baby in until the ninth month of pregnancy. The operation is called a cerclage. It was hard to go in that operating room knowing it could all end there, but everything turned out fine.

A couple years later I got pregnant by accident and miscarried at the fifth week. I had just earned my Master’s degree. It felt like a rollercoaster not being ready for the pregnancy, then wanting it to continue and grieving for it when it ended.

Three years after Sam’s birth, I became pregnant with my son Levi. The pregnancy started out with twins but the second twin miscarried – it’s called vanishing twin syndrome. I continued to read up on pregnancy and resolved to take charge of the things I could control. My doula, the midwife, the nurse and my husband helped me through a natural birth. I was walking around 20 minutes after Levi’s birth, so that was a victory after all the trouble.

My two sons are healthy and full of spit and vinegar. I love them so much. Even when they make me swear. Through this crazy road to motherhood I’ve learned to fight for the impossible one day at a time.

I’m now seven months postpartum and liking my body. I still have fitness goals I want to reach and some clothes I’d like to fit into, but I think I’m a hot mama. I accept the faded stretch marks, the soft skin on my lower belly, the bigger belly button, the stretchy breasts. I don’t want to look like a teenager all my life.

It usually takes me a year to get back into shape through jogging, aerobics, situps and pushups. I’ve learned to practice kindness toward my body, patience, forgiveness – all the good stuff I’d want from my closest friends.

Also I love food. Since I’m breastfeeding I have quite the appetite. I’m not going to take shortcuts on that delicious carrot cake or sizzling Hawaiian pizza just to be a skinny mini! Sometimes I talk to my belly – “That’s ok if you had to have two sandwiches for lunch. You’re amazing.”

Pictures:
Bathing suit before kids
Bathing suit after 2 kids
Doing the hoola after having one kid – 2 years postpartum
Belly pic after having second kid – 3 months postpartum
Sunglasses for everyone

I Finally Feel Sexy Again (Babs)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Eating Disorder, Four or More Pregnancies, Homebirth, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update, VBAC 12 Comments

Original entries here, here, here and here.

This was my fourth pregnancy and birth, and both were extremely difficult. I suffered with moderate hyperemesis gravaridum throughout (helpHER.org), lost a significant amount of weight, muscle and nutrients and was on the edge of hospitalization and IV feeds throughout (even with extensive medicating). I also suffer with a spinal disease called ankylosing spondylitis which caused my vertebrae to fuse together from my coccyx up to my mid-back; it also causes very painful nerve damage in my hip joints and legs due to those bundles of nerves being trapped in the fusions.

The way my body changed over the course of this pregnancy felt very different than the other times: I was tired, and in a lot of pain and very sick. Toward the end I was mostly bedridden and had to push myself hard to get in a short walk a few times a week. I felt like I was falling apart, and was beginning to really hate my body: it was big and awkward, desperately sick and so, so painful. Through the last months of pregnancy I had to walk with a cane, which left me feeling very self-conscious and extremely unattractive. I felt like this pregnancy had stripped me of my femininity and sex appeal… and for the first time in my life, even with a disability diagnosis for years, I really felt disabled. On top of that, I’d had a relapse of an eating disorder shortly before becoming pregnant and was struggling hard with maintaining positive body image even before all that crap. As a result of that, I requested to not be weighed throughout my pregnancy, nor have weight used as a judgment of my health since it was such a fresh trigger. (Numbers alone are not a good, accurate diagnostic tool: your health is a big picture, and can’t be judged by a flawed BMI calculator or tiny range of “healthy pounds”. Big or small, your overall health is what is important to take care of and there is so much more to it than standing on a scale! Even with the diagnosis of hyperemesis, being weighed on a regular basis was not necessary to monitor my health and nutrition. You may have to argue with your care provider a little, but if scales and numbers are a trigger for you during pregnancy, you CAN avoid them so you can stay strong and supported).

Just three days ago now, 9 days past my due date, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My hard and fast (two hour!) labour was very difficult with the spinal fusions, and very painful, but I made it through with the wonderful support of my midwife, doula and my husband. With their love and care I was able to achieve a second home VBAC, even with my disabilities. I have to say, waterbirth helps a TON for moms with chronic pain, or spinal disabilities!! I don’t now if I’d have been able to do it without the pool.

The night after giving birth I was laying in bed with my husband watching TV shows on my laptop with our new baby sleeping between us. I was laying there, mostly naked, and looked down over my new postpartum body all squishy and deflated and realized that… I felt really good. More than that, I felt sexy! This pregnancy that was so hard on my body and made me feel stripped bare, this birth that was so hard to get through and had me screaming at the top of my lungs, they’ve both been such huge challenges but by making it out the other side I feel strong and capable and SEXY! When I went out in public earlier I didn’t feel like sucking in my stomach and hiding my middle in loose-fitting clothes. I even went out wearing a form-fitting top, proudly showing off my squishy new postpartum body so I can proclaim to everyone, “THIS is beautiful!”. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to look at my body in such a truly positive way. Even with a disability, with a history of struggling with an eating disorder, with severe illness and a very hard year that left me with a very changed body… I can be sensual and feminine and amazing. Four babies have passed through this body and left their footprints on it with stretch marks, cesarean scars, milky breasts, love handles, cellulite and weight gain… but today, just three days postpartum after my fourth birth, I feel sexier than I ever have.

I’ve posted to this site before, several times, but I never thought I’d ever have the guts to submit any images of myself fully nude. Even while I took these images through pregnancy, hoping that I’d eventually find the courage to submit (anonymously, maybe with my head cut off and my tattoo obscured! PS. that’s why my head is cut off in a bunch of these!) I didn’t really believe I’d be able to, so it brings me a lot of joy to post these (albeit still a little nervous…) and say, “I FEEL GREAT!”. Now I feel like encouraging everyone to do the same thing. Take pictures of your body, and not just any old pictures – put aside some time and experiment with taking some really nice photos. Go get some boudoir photos done if you don’t want to or can’t take your own, but whatever you do don’t neglect capturing some of your beauty… even if you feel crappy about yourself.

Despite I felt like absolute hell and hating my body through most of my pregnancy, I’m really grateful to myself that I pushed through to document my changes. I think it’s in us all to learn how to appreciate how amazing our bodies are in all their power. Just look at the incredible things they can do! Thanks to this site I found the motivation to nurture that, and I’m really glad I stuck to it.

(As a note: I’m a professional photographer, so these were taken by me with professional gear. Even though you can’t see them very well there are stretch marks and scars there, though I don’t have the type of genes that get a lot. Good quality, even lighting makes a big difference in how your skin appears in pictures. For anyone curious to experiment with their own lighting, I included a “behind the scenes” photo to show how everything was set up to take these. I used a Nikon SB800 flash mounted on a stand with a home-made beauty dish made out of a planter and some spare parts for about $12 total (instructions here: https://davidtejada.blogspot.com/2008/04/beauty-dish-for-sb-800.html), and a desk lamp pointed at the corner of the wall behind me to reduce some of the shadows. From there just experiment with the settings until you find something that looks good! I triggered my light with a radio controlled device called a Pocket Wizard, but you can just use a sync cord or one of many other inexpensive options and get the exact same results. You also don’t have to use a big fancy flash either, any will work including the cheap Vivitar 285V which runs about $90. :)

Mother of 3 (Misty)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 20 Comments

Age: 31
3 pregnancies. 3 live births.
Children ages: 14, 12, 10 (All girls)
I am 10yrs postpartum

I am 31yrs old, and the mother of three girls, ages 14, 12, and 10. My first two daughters were born natural, and my last daughter was born by cesarean. I had my first daughter when I was 16, my second daughter when I was 19, and my third daughter when I was 21. It wasn’t until my second daughter, that I developed saggy skin on my stomach area.

This was very hard for me to deal with. I was only 19 at the time, and I felt that I was no longer sexy, and desirable. My self-esteem was affected greatly, for years to come.

I tried everything that I could to look better. I even starved myself down to 105lbs. Nothing I did, could take away the lose skin. I wanted plastic surgery so bad, but I could never afford it.

I breastfed all my children, and I had voluptuous breast at that time. But, the minute that I stopped breastfeeding, my boobs shrank to smaller than an A. This was hard for me to deal with as well. I felt that I had lost all my sexual attractiveness. I couldn’t wear anything that showed my stomach, and my breasts were too small to fit into any bras. It was very stressful.

About 1 yr ago, I gained around 30lbs, and went from 130lbs to 160lbs. The only benefit to this was that my breast got a little bigger. Currently I am trying to lose weight due to health issues.

I wish that I could say that over the years I no longer worry about my body. But, that’s not true. I have accepted the way that it is, but I don’t like it. I live in a college town, so it is really hard for me when I see all the young girls running around in the summer time. Sometimes I still feel like I’m not a woman, or sexy like other women. I feel like I missed out on having a youthful body since mine was messed up at such an early age.

I have had men say very mean and hurtful things about my body, and my body has kept me from doing a lot of things, and having confidence to do things.

But, with that all said, my children are the light of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, not even the sexiest body in the world, or riches galore. I love you Marissa, Alanna, and Senora!!

Picture Me (Lady Tea)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: 34
1 pregnancy, 1 child (5 years old)

Originally posted at Lady Tea’s blog.

This photo is quintessential me: sunglasses on my head, always a sweater handy (layers, you see, are a very important defense against schizophrenic Delaware weather), sandals (not quite as good as barefoot, but close), hanging out in nature with my favorite little guy.

It’s one of my favorite photos – but not so much for how I look. I like it because of how I felt about myself when it was taken.

I have had body issues since I was eight years old. I was a heavy child (teased mercilessly), an anorexic teenager (but I learned how to be sassy), and I’ve been up and down ever since. Even when I was at a healthy weight for my height (six feet), I never felt comfortable in my own skin until after my son was born.

In his first year I lost something like 75 pounds from my pregnancy weight (from a combination of nursing and a dairy/soy free diet for my son’s infant food allergies). I was back at the weight I think suits me best, and for the first time in my grown-up life I felt right. I thought I looked good – proud of what was long and what was curvy, but not worried about what wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone – I was too busy enjoying being a mommy – and being me.

This picture is from just about that time.

When my son was two, I injured my back trying to haul him into his car seat (gawd love him, he thought it was great fun to run through a parking lot). It took me ten months to recover, and by that time I had become must less active. I finally learned to combat the pain with McKenzie stretches, but within a few months after that I developed a terrible sinus infection that morphed into daily migraines. In the two-and-a-half years since I’ve had sinus surgery, a mess of medical tests and procedures, and been on and off a variety of medications including a blood pressure med that caused me to gain twenty pounds (the doctor said it would come right off when I stopped taking it– it didn’t). I’m now thirty pounds heavier than I was in this picture, dependent on pain killers for chronic pain, and leading a far too sedentary life.

On the bright side, I’ve managed to hold onto the stronger body-love that giving birth to my son gave me. I mean I’m not thrilled with what I see in the mirror, but I (rarely) get hung up on it the way I used to, and I can still find things about myself to be proud of. For example, my breasts are plump and bouncy, and quite useful for drawing attention away from my weak chin. Also, my legs are still long and look good in tight jeans – height has its advantages.

Still, this photo reminds me of things I’d like to have back. I’d like to be able to take those long walks without getting winded. I’d like to fit in those skinny jeans again. I’d like to be more healthy overall – I’ve been struggling for that, but somehow it keeps dancing just outside of reach. I feel like I’ve got so many things clamoring for my attention that I can’t seem to give my own body and health the focus that it needs.

And by many things clamoring, I pretty much mean that little guy in front of me. I feel like it’s all I can do to keep up with him, to give him all that he needs, to be a good Mommy. The things that make up the rest of me – writing, friendships, work, volunteering, maybe even a full uninterrupted thought – get squeezed into the margins, and there’s just not much energy left over to… count calories. Do stretches. Hike the trails. I mean, I try. But it’s hard.

Motherhood is such a give and take. I feel blessed – and stressed. I feel good about myself, but too tired to feel better.

Still, I think it’s better than living to extremes – too heavy, too fat, and never happy or at home with who I am. I feel like I’m moving closer to balance. With time, maybe I’ll get back to that healthy medium and, because of this struggle, maybe then I’ll have the strength to maintain it.

In the meantime, I got a pretty cool (if rambunctious) little sidekick to keep me on my toes.

Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

im 24 in july – my amazing son will be 4.

I have posted 2 times previous to this… i still have my days where i get down on myself, but overall i know im beautiful as well as my shape of a mother :D

I started using trilastin stretch mark cream 2 months ago- i can no longer see the darker stretchmarks, and my silver stretchmarks are now smooth and lighter. which is a good thing for my confidence but they are still there reminding me everyday that i brought my son into this world. Now dont get me wrong i would LOVE to have a tummy tuck, i dont feel that i need to wear pregnancy results, when i have my loving little boy to remind me everyday.

i am DEFINATLY wearing a two piece this summer, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. :) im a PROUD mommy! here are some updated photos— laying down on my side, sitting up (you can see i have stretch marks inbetween my thighs as well), full frontal, butt (dimples and stretchmarks) and me after a workout.

Updated here and here.

Be Strong and Courageous (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

My first daughter came when I was only 20 years old. I was newly married, working part time, and going to college full time. I gained 57 lbs. And it showed. My ballet body expanded everywhere it could. My legs, my hips, my breasts, and my stomach. I could not understand how people made it through pregnancy with little to no stretch marking. I was covered in huge “rips”. My breasts had never been perky, and whatever anti-gravity they had was destroyed when I went from a 32B to a 34F. But I did I lose all of the weight within a year.

My son was born 2 years later and he passed away (due to a severe medical condition) when he was only 9 weeks old. I miss him every day. My skin stretched further, despite not gaining as much weight. I said they were “his marks”. I lost all by 10lbs, but within 3 months of his death, I was unexpectedly pregnant again.
My second daughter arrived just a month after my son’s first anniversary. I stretched even further with her, even though I didn’t gain as much as the first time around. But like my first pregnancy, I lost it all within a year.

When my second daughter was about 15 months I became pregnant again, but lost the baby before 8 weeks. I was scarred; half of my children had died.

In the midst of moving overseas and the stress of liquidating our household, I became pregnant after just one period cycle. We were shocked and scared. But I had the nausea, the exhaustion, and I thought all was well. I shared with the world that we were expecting again right around 13 weeks.

At 15 weeks I began bleeding and made a trip to the ER. It was there that the doctors discovered my baby had stopped growing 8 weeks previously. I waited almost a week from the first visit before I miscarried. I began bleeding heavily at our church’s Christmas Eve service. We raced home so that I could be at home to miscarry.

I have lost 3 of my 5 children. My husband doesn’t want any more children. I am broken. I don’t feel I am finished. But I am scared out of my mind to try again.

And in the midst of all this – I gained 15lbs in the 15 weeks I carried the baby – and after 6 months have not lost a single pound. I fit into nothing. I hate the way I look.

HOWEVER….. I know that my scars, my sagging skin, my large and sagging breasts, my muffin top, and my misshapen belly button are marks of my children. With and without me, my children left me marked. I am learning to love the body I have and appreciate what it has given me.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5 pregnancies, 3 births, 2 living children.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Daughter1 – 5, Son – died at 9 weeks, would be 3 1/2, Daughter2 – 2, Miscarriage1 – August 2010, Miscarriage2 – December 2010. 5.5 months post partum.

My Twin Skin (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 13 Comments

I’m trying to come to terms with my twin skin.

Before I got pregnant I was a little over my prefered weight at about 125 lbs. I gained almost 70 lbs during the pregancy, but most of it was swelling and of course two babies weight a lot too. After my boys were born I lost most of the weight in a couple of weeks, but after that I’ve been stuck at around 140 lbs. I don’t think my weight is so much of an issue, but I wish I could lose a few pounds.

What really bothers me is the way that the pregnancy has treated my body – I had small boobs before, and now after the breastfeeding they are a whole cup size smaller – and one sags and the other one doesn’t! My already big thighs and butt got even bigger (I think that is actually where most of the extra pounds are sitting) and of course my stomach, well it’s just not to describe!

I think I look absolutely terrible. But I feel like I also have to mention: I love my little boys to pieces and I don’t want to remember what it was like without them – and I know I could have gotten a lot more of stretchmarks and a bigger twin skin – but I wish I could have my old body back! Some days (most days) I am okay with it and just try to wear clothing that hides it, but some days (like today) I go on a bummer about it and want to feel sexy again.

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 nearly full term twin pregnancy, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 boys, 12 months old.

Finny and the ‘Broids (Mel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Fibroids, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I’ll be the first to admit I’m a little vain. It’s definitely not a quality I embrace, but still, it’s there.

As long as I can remember I have had body issues. Even when I was a scrawny, adolescent little girl, I remember wearing sweats or shorts over my leotard to my gymnastics classes. I would suck in in the mirror and see how long I could hold my stomach in. In middle school I was terrified of wearing a swimsuit during our school supervised trips to the pool. My next door neighbor and best friend was one of those girls who weighed 80 lbs dripping wet and her mom was so proud. She took us shopping for outfits to wear for the school talent show and I remember her praising her daughter for being so thin. I felt like a giant next to her.

The last few years I really came to terms with my body. I cut out processed food (with the exception of work goodies. Let’s not get crazy). I was running pretty regularly. I was happy with who I was and what I looked like. Then I found out I was pregnant.

It was not a surprise. We were trying. Still, I knew pregnancy would not be fun. Due to some pretty hefty fibroids my uterus started out the size of a four month pregnancy. Not so great on a vain girls ego. I was in constant pain and all of my old insecurities returned. I hated when people used the phrase eating for two. I cried at restaurants because I felt everything would go straight to the scale. I dreaded every doctors appointment due to the weigh in. Still, my baby boy grew and so did I. I measured ahead the whole time because of the ‘broids so my awesome ob didn’t put me through the torture of measuring the belly. One OB was so excited to see my large fibroids that he laughed out loud clapped his hands and exclaimed “You don’t see that everyday!”. Actually, I do. And if you don’t stfu I’m going to shove your stethoscope down your throat.

Did you have hot, young med students come to check out you super, cool growth? I did. Put my weight fears aside and inhaled a whole lotta Sonic after that appointment. I had 7 different creams for stretchmarks but despite a paltry 17lb weight gain they came.

I checked this site daily. I won’t lie, I looked for posts of girls who bounced back. I wanted hope that my body could be even close to what it was.

My little Phinny came six weeks early and was “The absolute healthiest 4 lb range baby he had ever seen” according to my pediatrician. My largest fibroid was so pronounced after I gave birth that my doctor joked I was going to scare all the nurses. I was surprised I didn’t care. In fact, I didn’t care about a lot of things. Sure I was rubbing cream on my belly, hoping the marks would fade, but I was ok. Giant boobs, those I hated. I nursed and pumped for a little over a year (never thought I could do it!) and then the boobs went away.

Here I am 14 months later and just now am I really starting to worry about my body. The days where I try on 3+ outfits out number the ones I don’t and I’m really wishing I had more time to go out for a run. Still. I may not be one of those you could never tell she was pregnant girls, but I’m pretty satisfied. Don’t ask me five minutes from now because I might change my mind.

Age-27
1 pregnancy/birth
14 months

Fibroids/body issue