Postpartum

Stretch Marks Ruining Confidence (Lacie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 24 Comments

my name is lacie, age 19.

so i had my BEAUTIFUL baby girl on the 8th of April! she was 8 lbs 6 oz. :) she is our everything! i should feel great about everything in my life, i have a super amazing husband and the best baby in the world, but every time i look in the mirror at myself in a bra and underwear i seriously break down because of my stretch marks. i was a toned 110, measuring at 5 ft. 2 in. and had enough self confidence to wear a belly shirt and bikinis! (i actually loved it, not because i liked to show it off, but its because it made me happy!)
now, i cant even look down when showering without getting upset! by the end of my pregnancy i weighed close to 155…. YIKES.

i hate feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin…. and it hurts even worse that i am ashamed of something that came from my amazing daughter…… i feel so sad that i feel embarrassed….

my husband says he still finds me and my body just as beautiful as before, (which i find super hard to believe, and often end up arguing with him about how much my body literally sucks now) but when i ask him if he finds my stretch marks attractive he says no! humph. that seems kind of contradicting doesn’t it?! buuutttt, i can’t say much, because i am my own worst enemy in this.

i feel so freaking ugly due to this flabby skin and stretch marks! i know this may seem super shallow of me to say, but i feel like they are ruining my life! i mean, i know i still have some toning, and a bit of shrinking to do, but the stretch marks will remain even after that!!!

i would do anything to have the confidence some women do about their stretch marks, but i just cannot pull myself to that point…..

any idea when they will fade!? i also have some deep red ones on my hips that you can’t see, they’re more towards my back anyhow. ugh. does anyone else feel like me? or am i crazy?

Pictures:
My marks
me, my husband and our beautiful baby

The First Cut is the Deepest (Sharlene)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean), Tubal reversal 4 Comments

Age: 43
Number of pregnancies/births: 3/3
Ages of children: 19 years, 30 months and one year

I always wanted more children than the one perfect daughter God had given me – but thought I was done, because my life hadn’t “gone that way”. So I had my tubes tied when she was 10. I woke up from surgery and sobbed for hours; I think my subconscious knew I had made a mistake. Fast forward 3 years, and all of a sudden my perfect mate came back into my life, someone I had known since elementary school and had dated briefly. We moved in together, bought a house and got engaged. He had never had children, and I knew he needed to experience it. We talked and talked, then at age 39 I had a tubal reversal, which was performed like a c-section. My surgeon was very skilled, but left me with a ridiculous scar, part of which was a bad burn caused by a mistake with a cauterizing tool. Now four years later, I have THREE perfect daughters and wear my scar with pride! Ironic though, that all three births were vaginal with not even a visible stretch mark to show for them.

Low Self Esteem and Damaged (Tan)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

I still remember the joy of my first birth with my son. I was 21 years old. When I found out I was pregnant it was so exciting, but what I was not ready for was the stretch marks and the awful body that came with it. My whole life I have been physically fit. I always had a great body and prided myself on having worked so hard to look healthy. During my first birth I worked out and ran nearly every day and to no avail. Days after my joy had come into the world came the shame and disappointment. I became severely depressed and to top it off my first husband shamed me more by repeatedly looking at Porn and then saying to one of his friends, “ If I were single I would do her friend I am trying to hook you up with.” I was so embarrassed and pretended to not hear the comment. Several years went by and eventually we divorced for a multitude of reasons. After the divorce I had trouble dating and being intimate with people because of my stomach. I would wear long shirts to bed, never wore anything that was remotely form fitting, and I was embarrassed and disgusted with how other women looked at me and judged me when I would change. It has been a gut wrenching journey. I went through dating multiple people, until one guy was honest and made fun of the stretch marks that I
had during an argument and called me fat and disgusting repeatedly. I felt my pride hit an all time low. We continued dating and I eventually broke up with him. I joined the military and became even more physically fit and while in the Army met a man I really liked. We were at training together and the other women around me were trying very hard for his attention. They would tell him that I was disgusting to look at and that despite what I looked like in clothing I was an ugly and disgusting person physically. Now I know I should not let what people say hurt me and being that I am a master’s trained therapist, I did exactly what I would tell my patient’s not to do…. I allowed it to crush the last of any self- confidence I was already lacking. The guy ended up not caring about what they said and continued to date me and eventually we married. I still would never get undressed in front of him and it strongly inhibited our sex life. He would tell me it didn’t matter and that he loved me, but then I got pregnant and again I worked out every day and tried to maintain my physical fitness. I gained 23 pounds and then went into distress during my second delivery and they pumped me with fluids. I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby again. However, he doesn’t touch me like he used to anymore and I now weigh 163 lbs. I am trying hard to lose the weight, but every day I look at myself I hate what I see. To make matters worse before I gave birth to my daughter I found out that he had been contacting women via facebook to flirt with and making propositions to. I was crushed even more. He said he did it because we were having problems, but now he claims that he finds me just as attractive and beautiful and even more so because I am more curvy after having our child. I can’t get over it and I cannot let it go. It is so hard to look at myself in the mirror every day. I want to throw up at what I see and I don’t see beauty anywhere. I walk around in sweats or lounge clothes all the time because I feel so fat and disgusting and the stretch marks make it worse because they are permanent. I am so grateful for my beautiful children, but there are days that I have selfish thoughts and wish that I never had any children just so I can remember what it feels like to have self-esteem again. It’s horrible and I feel so trapped and hateful about myself. I don’t feel as if I will ever be thought of as pretty again and I don’t feel connected to my husband in any way as a result and I barely have sex anymore because all I can imagine is that he is thinking of someone else. THIS IS SAD TO WRITE and I am going to be 30 next month and I can’t find anything to love about me, but I love my kids more than life itself and I would not trade anything in the world for them.

From 104-124 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

I am 22 years old, just had my first baby 3 months ago. I went from being very skinny my whole life, to having some volume added to my body. I don’t mind the extra weight, but I do mind my belly (look like im 3 months pregnant again), and my breasts (they used to be perky and beautiful, now they look like a used, saggy balloon) I didn’t get any stretch marks until the day before I had my son. Everytime I have sex with my boyfriend I think about my gross body, it doesn’t help that my stitches from the episiotomy hurt like hell when doing it. My boyfriend tells me how much he loves my body now and everyone else tells me I look better with the weight, its not that I care about, its the belly, breasts, and stretch marks… my vagina doesn’t look the same either. I cant wear a bikini anymore… I barely look in the mirror anymore. I know I just need to tell myself that theyre battle wounds. I hate the way I look now, but I wouldn’t take it back… I have my son and hes all I need <3 ~Age: 22 years old ~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy and 1 birth ~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months & 1 week [gallery]

Ambivalent Body Image – Struggling (Alanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Pregnant, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 15 Comments

Age: 24
1 pregnancy & 1 child
3 year old child

I want to start this off by saying that I have been following SOAM for a couple years now and never felt confident enough to submit my photos. I was in a very unhealthy relationship for 9 yrs with the father of my child. Just before I became pregnant, I was in the best shape of my life, I had never been more confident with my body image. I am a Martial Arts instructor. My pregnancy was extremely stressful, I had a partner who was abusing drugs and other non sense. I’m 5’2 and I weighed 130lbs before I got pregnant. At 9 months with my 8lb baby girl I weighed 185lbs. I wasn’t exercising during my pregnancy and could have been eating in a more healthy way. I wanted to have a natural delivery, but had to have an emergency C-section since my daughter was breech. After delivery, I was so unhappy with my body and i was still in an toxic relationship. I may have been suffering from PPD but I’m too proud for my own good most of the time and felt guilty telling the truth when i was assessed for PPD. I struggled with the pregnancy weight all through the first 2 years, I’m very active but I had to take control of my diet to get to where I am now.

I still feel like I am hiding. No one would believe it when I seem to be the most confident, bubbly and bad ass ( am I allowed to say bad ass on SOAM? Editor’s note: Hell yes you are!) lady that have ever met but I put on a good show. In actuality, my insecurities could eat me alive. My life has changed a lot in the past year as I got out of an abusive relationship and have been trying to find myself again after those 9 years. I just completed my first year of university. I’m a over achiever and a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough for me. I am getting honors in school but its not good enough. I would consider myself a feminist and I am very aware of the false messages prescribed by the media to men and women concerning what the ideal body image is. I can think about it logically and I have great respect to the women who can take a stand against it but emotionally with myself, inside my own head I cant do it.

I guess I have my good days and my really bad ones. Some days I feel like it is getting better and I’m regaining my muscle definition. Its not my stretch marks that bother me but my loose skin and extra fat does. Everyday I run at least 3 miles and exercise, on top of my martial arts training and some days I feel like I’m seeing progress and other days I cant beat my naked self up in front of the mirror at least 4 times a day. I can take forever to get dressed, trying on pants after pants and hating how my tummy sticks out over top. I count calories obsessively and feel guilty if I don’t run far enough. I want exercise and diet to be a choice of health and not trying to achieve this aesthetic perfection.

Who would think a topless rights activist would be standing nude infront of her mirror eaten alive by her insecurities?

Does it Make Me a Failure? (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

Age:19
Pregnancies and births: 1
10 weeks postpartum

I became pregnant when I was 18. I was told by doctors when I was younger that it would be difficult for me to conceive, and of I were to conceive, it would be a high risk pregnancy. I was so happy to find out i was pregnant, so was my fiancee and my family. I felt so feminine, so beautiful, i felt like a real woman. My fiancee and i both enjoyed watching my body change. I did everything right. I quit smoking 100%, i didn’t have a single drop of alcohol, i think the worse thing i did was have a second bowl of ice cream at 2 in the morning :). But man did i get huge. I gained 65lbs! Mainly all belly though. I went into labor at 38 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with suspicion that i was leaking amniotic fluid however i wasn’t having contractions. Turned out i was right. So the doctors decided to induce me. They started the pitocin, i wasn’t too happy about that to begin with, but i went along with it. They had me on the lowest setting and my uterus was becoming overstimulated, i had no rest time between contractions. So they would stop and start the pitocin and for 19 hrs i was stuck at 3cm dilated, 50% effaced, and -3 station. This baby just dis mot want to come! The doctor told me it was time for a c-section. I broke down in tears! I wanted so badly to give birth vaginally. I was so scared. I could hardly stay awake in the operating room. I was so drugged up, i was afraid i would miss my daughter’s first cries. Lucky my fiancee was able to keep awake and i didn’t miss it. It was like music to my ears. When i was finally able to hold her, I wanted to immediately start breast feeding so I could start the bonding process since I missed out on the vaginally birthing experience. But there was a problem, she wouldn’t latch. We tried everything, and she just wouldn’t nurse off of me. I felt like I failed. Like I was less of a woman because my body couldn’t do the two main things a woman’s body should be able to do, give birth and feed her own child. I slipped into a very deep depression. I couldn’t bond, I couldn’t connect to this beautiful baby I kept safe inside me for 9 months. The bond I had with her in the womb I felt was slowly disappearing. There were no more kicks, no more hiccups, no more awkward bulges on one side of my belly. Instead I had a painful scar, a body that I once thought was beautiful, now I thought was ugly, and a child that I couldn’t feel was really my child. Then once I realized how terrible I was feeling, I would feel even more guilt for thinking that way! I’m so thankful that I have my fiancée. He noticed I was depressed and he encouraged me to talk to him. Once I opened up and stopped holding it all in, I suddenly felt better and immediately was able to bond with our daughter. He reassures me that my body is still beautiful. I now take things day by day one step at a time. I feel like I have a strong bond with my daughter. Her smile makes my heart melt and instantly makes me forget about how she was born and I forget about my body. She changed my life and I would do anything for her. That’s why I got help for my depression. A happy mother is a happy baby, and a happy baby is a happy family. Hayleigh Lynn Schulz born feb 8, 2013 8lbs 4oz 19 1/2 inches long.

This is Me… And That is Okay (Stacie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 11 Comments

I am a 28 year old mother of three children, all born vaginally. I have never been skinny or in shape. I will never be a size 4. And you know what? That is okay, this is ME. It has taken me a long time to be okay with my body. Sure, I use self tanning lotions when I know that I will be wearing a dress. I even bought some hand weights to tone my arms a bit for the Summer. But I won’t look like my thinnest of friends and that is okay: this is ME. I know that not everyone has that outlook, and some days neither do I. But when I truly stop to think about why my body is this way, why I have that stomach flap that seems like it just won’t budge, I smile. Tiger stripes. Cliche, maybe, but they’re mine and that is okay: This is ME. My husband loves me the way I am, so do my children. It is time that I do the same. And I hope that one day you are able to have the same outlook that I do. Because that is you, and that is okay.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7, 3, 1

Depressed Over Saggy Breasts (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 16 Comments

Age-22
Kids-2 one is 4 one is a year

After my first son they went back to a more perkier state after a year and a half, I was 21. Now with my second baby, I’m still breastfeeding and hoping that’s what’s weighing down and sagging my breasts. I feel so ugly and unattractive and am actually crying over them. I hate having sex with my husband, don’t want him touching them bc the feel so formless, shapeless and wrinkly and disgusting. I feel gross. My skin has thinned, my veins popping out and my skin wrinkly and saggy. I just want to know if I have hope, will they go back again? Will they ever firm, I’m only 22, lift weights, take my vitamins and take care of my skin. I just want to be sexy for myself again…..I have thought about getting a part time to pay for implants….or should I give it time bc I’m still breastfeeding. When I bend over the just hang like skinflaps and I feel so un femminine. I can’t believe I’m actually crying as I write this. My husband thinks I have mental issues and am fine, but if I don’t feel that way, I am not. I know I’m not mentally ill….I just want firmer skin on my breasts. I can’t even talk to him about this and I feel like the only mom with this problem…..I want to fix it so bad, will it ever get better, can someone give me hope? Will he thinning skin firm again? Will my breasts lift back a tad bit again after the glands loose the heavyness? My breasts have no density and I feel so envious of those moms who have firm full breasts………..ughhh I feel doomed and depressed.

First Pregnancy and Postpartum Body Changes (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

I was one of those women who “knew” the moment they were pregnant.. I was more than ecstatic. It sounds crazy, but I think I felt the moment the baby implanted. I used a pregnancy test that day, waited the 5 or so minutes, saw one line and threw it in a drawer. When I found it a day or two later, there was a second line. I thought it must have been an evap line but decided to test to be sure. Sure enough, positive.. a day before I was even supposed to start my cycle. But, pregnancy felt like torture to me, I never became acclimated to it, and my “cute” bump phase ended quickly. I waited and waited for that “glow” and never got it. I was thrilled to be expecting, but not very educated about all the changes my body would experience. I have always had self esteem and body issues, so growing in size ate away at my confidence. I had a lengthy period of time where you could not tell I was pregnant and not just pudgy/fat. I only ever gained the recommended 35 pounds, but on my short frame, that meant everything was thicker. My face, arms, butt, breasts and, of course, belly. I managed to avoid stretch marks on my belly with generous use of baby oil and by not scratching. I didn’t even think to do this on my butt and breasts, which now have stretch marks, but none too terrible. I delivered a healthy, beautiful, incredibly smart (mother’s pride shining through) baby girl at 37 weeks 5 days after a complication free pregnancy. Went in seeking a natural birth, got talked in to pitocin (to “speed up” my labor) which lead to an epi. Birth aside, I’ve made it back to pre-pregnancy weight about 3 or 4 months post partum. I am now 5 months pp and have maintained the weight. All weight lost simply by breastfeeding and only eating when I’m hungry. My confidence post partum is exponentially greater. After seeing my body go through all those changes during pregnancy, I have a much bigger respect for it. I believe I went through the opposite of post-partum depression – post partum elation. Despite being at pre-preg weight, there are noticeable/permanent changes: my hips are larger, my tummy is no longer flat, my breasts are great when full and saggy when empty – a whole cup size larger (from small b to small c, sometimes full c). Breasts are veiny now, not sure if that will go away after I stop breastfeeding. My areolas are MUCH larger and more brown than before, also uneven. I will be content to tone up my tummy and work some of this extra hip off. Even though I may not look as I did before, I’m quite happy with my body. Recently someone told me who had not seen me since a year prior to my pregnancy: “You don’t look like a little girl anymore! You look like a woman!” And that’s how I feel, like a Real Woman.

Your Age:23, 22 at time of pregnancy
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy (so 1 birth)
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months post partum/5 month old

Life After Loss (Rea)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 4 Comments

~Age: 18
~Number of pregnancies: 2
~number of births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my son is 27 months

My name is Rea. I was 15 when I got pregnant with my son. I was sitting at about a size 3-5 and 120 pounds. I wasn’t looking out for my weight when I was pregnant and I regret it so much now. I was about 180+ pounds at 38 weeks when Bentley was born on january 27, 2011. He was 8 pounds. I was so heartbroken to have a c-section. I lost all my weight and then some without doing anything. I felt blessed and lucky but at the same time still hated my stomach, that was covered in stretch marks and had a ‘mom pouch’. I did it all after my boyfriend of 2 years left us shortly after my 17th birthday in 2012. It was hard, and I didn’t have a lot of friends to talk too. But I picked myself up and moved on. My ex got vistation taken away in June 2012 for doing drugs. I knew I was a good mom and did everything for my son. All alone.

I was pretty lonely tho, and in July 2012 I got a new boyfriend. He was a little younger than me. He taught me to not be so serious, and helped me find the right balance between being a mom, and being a teenager. We had a good few months..then I became pregnant again. It was not planned and I didn’t notice how much I was eating until I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I had an iud and was very scared. I was 100 pounds when I got pregnant the second time. I miscarried that baby at 12 weeks, and I sunk into a deep depression for about 5 months. Me and my boyfriend broke up after finding out about the baby.

Me and my first son’s dad got back together 2 months ago. I think we both just needed some time and space away from each other to grow up. He went to treatment and was so hurt to see me with someone else. He was the one who was there for me after I lost my baby. I never shed the 10 pounds of baby weight or the 20 pounds of depression weight. I now weigh 136 and I hate my body more and more. I feel ungrateful because I’m a size 5 still but I cry every time something doesn’t fit. I’m trying really hard to lose weight and fit into my old clothes again.