Does it Make Me a Failure? (Jamie)

Pregnancies and births: 1
10 weeks postpartum

I became pregnant when I was 18. I was told by doctors when I was younger that it would be difficult for me to conceive, and of I were to conceive, it would be a high risk pregnancy. I was so happy to find out i was pregnant, so was my fiancee and my family. I felt so feminine, so beautiful, i felt like a real woman. My fiancee and i both enjoyed watching my body change. I did everything right. I quit smoking 100%, i didn’t have a single drop of alcohol, i think the worse thing i did was have a second bowl of ice cream at 2 in the morning :). But man did i get huge. I gained 65lbs! Mainly all belly though. I went into labor at 38 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with suspicion that i was leaking amniotic fluid however i wasn’t having contractions. Turned out i was right. So the doctors decided to induce me. They started the pitocin, i wasn’t too happy about that to begin with, but i went along with it. They had me on the lowest setting and my uterus was becoming overstimulated, i had no rest time between contractions. So they would stop and start the pitocin and for 19 hrs i was stuck at 3cm dilated, 50% effaced, and -3 station. This baby just dis mot want to come! The doctor told me it was time for a c-section. I broke down in tears! I wanted so badly to give birth vaginally. I was so scared. I could hardly stay awake in the operating room. I was so drugged up, i was afraid i would miss my daughter’s first cries. Lucky my fiancee was able to keep awake and i didn’t miss it. It was like music to my ears. When i was finally able to hold her, I wanted to immediately start breast feeding so I could start the bonding process since I missed out on the vaginally birthing experience. But there was a problem, she wouldn’t latch. We tried everything, and she just wouldn’t nurse off of me. I felt like I failed. Like I was less of a woman because my body couldn’t do the two main things a woman’s body should be able to do, give birth and feed her own child. I slipped into a very deep depression. I couldn’t bond, I couldn’t connect to this beautiful baby I kept safe inside me for 9 months. The bond I had with her in the womb I felt was slowly disappearing. There were no more kicks, no more hiccups, no more awkward bulges on one side of my belly. Instead I had a painful scar, a body that I once thought was beautiful, now I thought was ugly, and a child that I couldn’t feel was really my child. Then once I realized how terrible I was feeling, I would feel even more guilt for thinking that way! I’m so thankful that I have my fiancĂ©e. He noticed I was depressed and he encouraged me to talk to him. Once I opened up and stopped holding it all in, I suddenly felt better and immediately was able to bond with our daughter. He reassures me that my body is still beautiful. I now take things day by day one step at a time. I feel like I have a strong bond with my daughter. Her smile makes my heart melt and instantly makes me forget about how she was born and I forget about my body. She changed my life and I would do anything for her. That’s why I got help for my depression. A happy mother is a happy baby, and a happy baby is a happy family. Hayleigh Lynn Schulz born feb 8, 2013 8lbs 4oz 19 1/2 inches long.

3 thoughts on “Does it Make Me a Failure? (Jamie)

  • Thursday, May 9, 2013 at 9:05 am

    NO YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! My son never latched on, we tried everything. He would take anything in his mouth but my breast he treated like poison. My nipples were a bleeding mess by six weeks postpartum so I gave up trying to breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for 6 months for him. Oh how I longed to breastfeed him every time my milk came in… pumping 5-6 times a day I felt chained to that pump! After my son turned 6 months we gradually switched to formula. The main thing is to feed the baby, a fed baby equals happy baby. You will hear many breast vs. bottle and breastfeeding vs. formula debates. Do what works for you and don’t let those debates make you feel guilty. You gave life to your daughter, in the grand scheme of things that’s whats important. Happy Mother’s Day and many blessings to your family.

  • Thursday, May 9, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Not a failure at all. There are things that are out of our control, and I’d like to think that keeps us humble in this life. You sought help for your depression so that you could be the best mother possible and that’s why you are a NOT a failure. Giving birth vaginally and breastfeeding a baby is not what makes or breaks a mother. What you do with the things you CAN control makes or breaks a mother.

    All the best to you and your new family. Maybe things will work out differently with your next baby (if you are planning on having another in the future) but just remember that sometimes babies have different plans than what we envision.

  • Saturday, May 11, 2013 at 6:16 am

    You know what? The stress of what we think we ‘should’ be is more damaging than a c-section or bottle feeding. We need to love each other as moms and encourage each other. Sure we know what is ‘best’ in a perfect world, but we don’t live in a perfect world. You are the perfect mom for that smiling little chunky faced sweety. And your peace of mind is what she needs right now. I feel for you because I was there and it hurts deeply. Praying you continue to bond and enjoy the awesome craziness of parenthood!

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