Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement

Ugly is irrelevant (Alicia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 21
Pregnancies: 1
Births: 1
Children: One beautiful girl that will be three April 13th 2010.

About two years ago, when I would step out of the shower and see my naked body standing there I would cringe. I would try to get out of there as fast as I could so I wouldn’t have to look at myself standing there… Naked… Overweight… Repulsive. I hated my body. I hated myself. I had gotten pregnant by a man that controlled and emotionally abused me and my dream to further my education and make something of myself seemed long gone. I felt like a stranger had taken up my body and I was living a life I never wanted and that no one would ask for. I am not sure what kept me in it for two years but I am glad I had my moment of clarity. Oh-so glad.

I can now look at myself naked in the mirror and not cringe. I no longer hate myself as fiercely as I used to, though my self-image is still evolving and constantly is a work in progress. I lost twenty pounds and got back to my pre-pregnancy, plus size 14 by talking daily walks with my daughter in her stroller, breastfeeding my child for a year, kicking out my good-for-nothing ex, and eating healthier. I may not be skinny, and yes I do want to possibly lose more weight but I feel more myself now. I have the stretch marks… I have them on my breasts, arms, butt, belly, pubic area, hips… I have taken them in as part of myself. They are mine, no one else’s.

I started reading feminist poetry and listened to some Margaret Cho stand-up and realized how brainwashed I was, that we all are as a society, into thinking a certain size is beautiful… That you had to fit some kind of criteria to be thought of as beautiful in today’s society. Beauty has so many facets and variations. The views on beauty have changed so many times since the dawn of man. Why should we become slaves of something that only changes… Something that is totally objective and pure opinion?

I have recovered my sense of self. I just graduated college December of 09 with an associate’s in dental assisting. I do not plan for that to be my last trip back to school. I want to set an example for my daughter and any future children I may have… and I just love learning. The self-loathing is mostly gone, though I do carry some residue of it. Most of stretch marks have faded, my breasts are not nearly as perky as they once were, I have gained back a few of the pounds that I had lost, I have gone through another painful break-up with my most recent ex, I have reconnected with a man I went to high school with and I have known for years. I am falling for him and I am still to this day not used to his kindness and support… I am at a happy point at my life. I have so much love to give.

I love my daughter, and now I will try my damnedest to love me. Pinky swear to myself.

Pictures: Belly ones are from today, pregnancy pics of the day I was induced, Picture of my daughter and I this past Christmas, and two “glamor” shots. lol

Quotes I absolutely love from Margaret Cho:

“Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. A matter of taste, a whim, an eye, a beholder, an opinion, a spin, light crossing the frame, paint, projection. The moment. Context.”

“I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.”

“Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist.”

“I think everyone should go on my diet. It’s called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say “Fuck it” and I eat it. You have to do it six times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program.”

Second Update (Bryana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Body Image, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Original entries here and here.

Children:
#1) Rayden Wolfgang: Dec 12, 2005
#2) Cairo Sofia: June 23, 2009
Age: 22

I guess this submission isn’t really about me. I have posted twice before because I think this website is nothing short of amazing. It has inspired me to love my body, it’s “flaws” and all. Our bodies have performed miracles; they have carried our babies and brought life into this world. Why would anyone find this terrible, ugly, unattractive? You fill in the blank!
It’s so hard for me to read some of these stories. There are so many women out there telling the world about how horrible they look and feel after having their children, not to mention many only 2-8 weeks postpartum… come on ladies! I know it’s said over and over again, but it takes 9 months, give it 9 months to return. But even if your “ideal” is not achieved in a short 9 months, who cares? If your husband, boyfriend, partner, whoever it is that is supposed to be in this with you, can not look at you and tell you that you are beautiful than how good of a person is he? My body took a complete 180 when I got pregnant with my first baby, Rayden. My husband could still look me in the eyes and tell me I was beautiful, stretch marks and loose skin to boot! I gave birth to his child for goodness sakes, and so did you ladies!
Get your faces out of the magazines and news articles! Who cares if all these celeb moms bounced back within weeks of birthing their children. That is not reality. That is a whole lot of money, discipline, and damage to the body. They are not the ideal. Look at the amount of women on this website that have less than “ideal” bodies!
I’m not saying every morning I wake up and thank the Gods that I have stretch marks from head to toe and loose sagging skin at the ripe age of 22, but I can thank the Gods that all I had to offer to have my 2 beautiful children was a little loose skin and some stretch marks. I do repeat to myself daily “I am beautiful” and I have been doing that for nearly 2 years now, and I do believe it now. I thought it was a bunch of garbage… until I saw the effects. Every person in your life can tell you that you are beautiful but it won’t make a difference until you can honestly say to yourself that you are beautiful and believe it.
I am truly sorry to hear how many of you find yourselves not only ugly, but devastatingly ruined. You’re not ruined, you have been remodelled.
This was written with nothing less than love. No one is perfect nor will perfection ever be achieved. Reach for the clouds before the stars; one step at a time.

Pic #1: 37 weeks pregnant w/ my daugher, Cairo.
Pic #2 & #3: Me today, 8 months and 5 days PP. I think I am beautiful, but not “ideal”, Thank God!

Updated here and here.

Regarding Scars and Stretch Marks (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 10 Comments

Age:23
Pregnancies/Births: 2/1 (girl, 18 mos)

I anguish over my loose skin and stretch marks. I have not gotten to a place of comfort or acceptance of my body, much less a place of pride over the story my ravaged body tells. I don’t understand how my husband can love such damaged goods, or how he could ever want to be intimate with me.
Something important occurred to me today though. My husband happens to have a ravaged body as well. At 22 years old and with a congenital heart defect, he has had 2 open heart surgeries and 2 angioplasties. He has a long, wide “zipper” scar on his chest. Another huge scar on his back. 2 more on his side from chest tubes. Both sides of his groin from the angioplasties. Many stretch marks from periods of weight fluctuation from medications.
And would it surprise any of you if I said I find him sexy? That I desire him? That when I see his scars, I see strength and a survival? Of course it wouldn’t. If anything, his scars make me love him a little more. And even if your partners don’t have scars such as these, everyone has something they don’t like about themselves, something that chips away at their self confidence. But we love our partners just the same, whether they are physically different from what is widely considered to be the ideal, yes?
Anyway, my husband sees the same in me that I see in him. He sees beauty in every mark on my body. Every one of them. Stretch marks are not a sign of weakness or failure. They’re a testament to the resilience of our bodies and the pure love it takes to physically grow and harbor another human being for almost a year. A mother’s body is so amazing, it is almost not even fully comprehensible to me. My husband knows that, and it makes me the most beautiful woman in the world to him.
So why do I still beat myself up do much? Why do I find myself so disgusting? Why do we all have so much trouble accepting and loving ourselves when we readily accept and love our partners, family, friends, even total strangers (like on this website)? I guess it just takes time, or life experience. I don’t know. I’m only 23, I don’t exactly have years of wisdom to shape my ideas and opinions. I just hope that we all find peace with our bodies, sooner rather than later. I think the women on this site are incredible and brave for posting. And I hope my ramblings help somebody out there feel better today :)
Photo #1 is at 5 mos pregnant, #2 is my Adalia :)

Mirror, Mirror on the wall….who’s the most damaged mother of them all? (Mary)

Bonnie (SOAM) Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Prose, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 55 Comments

“Look at those ugly stretch marks!” the mirror sneers as I hurriedly change my clothes. No matter how hard I try, my eyes always seem to wander to my disappointing reflection staring back at me, “You’re disfigured and they’ll never go away you know. Never.”

Tears pool in my eyes as I try to shut out the hurtful thoughts, I glance in the glass though and agree, I am hideous. My body is marred all over from three pregnancies, scars that seem to burn and scream “You’ll never be attractive again.” I pull on my pants and long shirt and breathe a sigh of relief, clothes have become my mask and my shield, for with them on I feel normal and I can pretend my body is perfect, I’m still however, conscious of my flaws. My shirt could ride up and someone might become grossed out by my bread dough belly or I might bend over too far and accidentally show my uneven breasts. Oh the horror! Being nude is a nightmare for me, I dread showers, and lovemaking is done under the covers whilst wearing a top that covers my torso despite my husband’s vows that I’ve never looked better.

I go through stages of self-hate and berate myself for not trying harder to prevent the damage I had done. I forget the sweet moments at night when my husband would lovely run lotion on my belly, amused by the little feet trying to kick his hands. Instead I moan about regretting not smearing lotion on my body every second of the day. I dismiss from my mind how hard I worked to eat healthy, charting and researching to make sure I was giving my body and baby every nutrient they needed. Instead I think that I would have ended up happier if I had starved myself to keep the weight off. I obliterate the sweet memories of the long walks we would take together every night, laughing as I tried to climb hills while holding my massive belly. Instead I wish that I had taken out a loan so I could have spent every day at the gym with a personal trainer. I sink down in the belief that I am the only mother that has let herself go. I even convince myself that I have proof. I see all the newspapers and billboards with perfect mothers and wonder why I don’t compare to their fit bodies. Even my favorite parenting magazines are filled with ads showcasing taut bellies and breasts. And as far as I know, all the mothers in my life have no stretch marks or flaws either for they never mention otherwise, surely if they were feeling as low as I am they would have said so. The mirror doesn’t lie; I’m the only mother alive whose body has been destroyed. I’m alone. I’m the only mother with these thoughts and I’m ashamed.

I decide surgery is my only option. I can only feel whole again if I cut out the glaring marks that giving life has given me. I look in the mirror and think that only a tummy tuck or a breast lift would improve my appearance. I have never had much time to spend online before but I make time to start searching the internet for options, knowing I could never afford the fees but determined to research anyways. Surprisingly I do find the hope I was seeking online but not from medical sites, instead I find communities of women who look and feel exactly as I do.

I find theshapeofamother.com, a site that brings me to my knees in sobs, a site where I find answers, acceptance, and understanding. It’s where mothers from all over the world go to post photos and accounts of their bodies to show all other mothers that they are normal. I read pages and pages of stories, crying and smiling harder with each one. Their words are my thoughts, my fears…I’m connected to them all. I am no longer alone. I find forums where groups of mothers gather to discuss everything from cooking to gifts to yes, their new bodies as opening up to strangers is so much easier than pouring out your feelings face to face. I even find sites that show before and after photos of air brushed models and for the first time realize that *I* am the normal woman, that those in the ads are the unnatural, enhanced, and unrealistic versions of womanhood.

I start to see my own body in a new light, to remember what’s it like to look in the mirror and smile, and to feel confident once again. It didn’t happen overnight but slowly over the months I start to change. I stop wearing clothes that are too big on me as I no longer feel the need to hide beneath them. I take my children swimming for the first time in a public pool, no longer ashamed of what my swim clothes reveal. I celebrate my amazing body that has given me so much and marvel how I could have disliked it for so long. I apologize to myself and promise to never let go of my self- worth again.

And one night, after the kids are safely tucked in bed, I decide it’s time to show my husband my new confidence. I ask him if he’d like to do a tasteful photo session of my body. He’s surprised but happy, and we start our boudoir experiment. I stand under the bright lights, 100% unclothed, with nothing to hide beneath, and bare my soul and body to the man who’s been by my side for so many years. At first I was timid and shy but with each snap I hear his words of encouragement and I can see in his eyes that he loves what he sees, flaws and all. I feel my self esteem blossom and grin and I wish that this feeling could be shared by every mother. When I see the photos I’m shocked by what lovely pieces of art they are. “I’m….I’m stunning.” I whisper.

I turned towards the mirror and see a positive glow surrounding my body, it’s my self-respect. I touch my stretch marks and say “I’m glad they are here, for my babies are growing, and soon will leave my nest, but their marks will always be a lovely reminder.

Right here, see this little one? That’s where I first felt my first kick me; I sat up all excited and yelled ‘She moved inside me, I felt it!’ I sat there for hours stroking that spot, in awe that a life was growing inside of me, waiting for her to move again. Why would I want that marvelous mark she left me to fade away?

And here, see this short, deep one? That’s where my second’s foot stayed for 3 months, I was always worried about him because he didn’t kick much but I could always feel his toes twitching right there, telling me he was holding on. Even now, when my special boy is having a hard day, I unconsciously touch that spot and say ‘You’ll get through this buddy, just hang in a little bit longer.’ And he does.

And feel this long one here, that starts at my hip and crawls all the way up over my belly button, higher than all the rest? I watched this one creep up a tiny bit higher each day with my third. I would laugh and say ‘Silly boy you don’t want to get lost in the mist of your older siblings do you? You want to make sure your marks can clearly be seen, good for you, you’ll go far in life and I’ll root for you the whole way.’

“I’m sorry.” I tell my body “I was wrong. They are beautiful aren’t they? Each one tells its own amazing story.” I look in the mirror and smile and love what I see. And behind me I see all the other mothers of the world, touching their marks, and smiling along with me.

-Photo attached, taken by my husband.

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Updated here.

Flawz

Bonnie (SOAM) Activism, Body Image, News, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement 15 Comments

I posted this over at Facebook the other night, but haven’t had the time to share it here yet. It is fabulous. I have long noticed that it is those interesting bits – what a person might refer to as his or her flaws – which I find the most beauty in. A large nose, a crooked smile, too-small breasts… I grieve for Ashlee Simpson’s old nose – I found it beautiful and now I can’t pick her out of a lineup of Hollywood Look-Alikes.

Nobody should look like a paper doll copy of every other so-called beautiful woman. Like those planned communities which mirror every other planned community in the US, women are also expected to have only one definition of beautiful. I prefer older neighborhoods, ones with character and uniqueness, regardless of what that looks like on an individual level. Straight nose, or crooked nose – they are all beautiful, and their diversity makes them MORE beautiful, not less so. A mother’s smooth belly, or a wrinkly one – they have all carried life and they are beautiful, symbolically and physically. The only ugly thing here is that we are made to feel like we aren’t good enough if we don’t fit a particular mold.

I’m embracing my flaws – my freckles (which I have always loved), my dimples (which I never have), my quarterback shoulders (which I’ve only recently become aware of), my weird square chin and those funny lines it has when I smile – I love these things because they are ME. Without them, I would not recognize myself. My flaws make me beautiful in my own way. What are your flaws?

I don’t hate my body! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo 9 Comments

I am proud of what I’ve done. My son Marcus is six months old and like all of you I went through some shit bringing him into this world. I was a fitness lunatic before I got pregnant so I was a little down on myself for a while. It’s easy to feel that way when you are used to being very fit and toned and when you look in the mirror now your body is much softer and there are stretch marks on your bum. The added postpartum hormones don’t help. I was shocked when I found out how painful the postpartum period was. I tore badly and couldn’t sit down for weeks, it’s still not right down there. Our sex life tanked and that was rough, we are just getting it back slowly now. I started running again and it’s helped all aspects of my life and I can honestly say I love my body and respect as a sacred vessel. All of your stories helped. My greatest wish is that you all can feel the way I do now. You all deserve it. Don’t even look at the celebrity moms. What they have is completely unrealistic. I don’t even have the money right now for a gym membership let alone a personal trainer and a nutrionist. If we all had that we’d all be the same way. What is real? No sleep, hormones, tanked sex life, stretch marks, financial problems, painful postpartum period, and all the problems you have with your husband if you’re lucky enough to have one as a result of all these things. So a poor self image is like the cherry on the sundae. Don’t feel bad about yourself, don’t hold yourself to ridiculous standards, but be proud of yourself your stretchmarks and your baby.

121709-anon-1

Transformation (Erron)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Pregnant, Submissions, Twins 35 Comments

Age: 31
Number of pregnancies: Seven pregnancies, two successful
The age of my children: 2 aged 4, 1 aged 2, and 1 on the way

When expecting our first baby I remember going to my 20 week ultrasound in my regular pants. I couldn’t wait to start looking pregnant. After two years of trying, and waiting, we were finally on our way to having a baby light our house with his or her own brand of sunshine and happiness. I delighted in my pregnancy, I consciously thought out my meals, so they were balanced, I took my vitamins, exercised lightly, and, all in all, had the perfect pregnancy. At the end of my pregnancy I had gained 25 lbs and didn’t have a single stretch mark. I should have been the world’s happiest woman, except I wasn’t. Our Kate died just before she was born; our delivery room was silent when she arrived.

A week after she was born my body made that amazing Hollywood like change that would have left one guessing whether I was ever actually pregnant. I was so sad. I had absolutely nothing to show for my pregnancy. People would later tell me “Don’t tell people that you made out so well, other women will hate you with jealousy” Who ever thought it would be me jealous of those who’s pregnancies left their bodies transformed? I longed for one stretch mark to prove she had actually existed, just one tiny one. My tummy only showed signs of the baby within for a few days. The comments that, at least, I looked great at the funeral where a slap in the face, really is that what you chose to say, did I really look great?

The truth is we’re all made up of different genetic material. I went on to have twins and another singleton, and amazingly enough I still have no stretch marks. I ate no special diet and slathered no expensive creams on my belly. My body springs back quite quickly, with no miracle exercise regime. I’m lucky, I guess. Nursing three babies exclusively (yep you can nurse twins and never have to supplement, women you are equipped and powerful) have left my, never were A cups, in somewhat dismal shape. My hips have always been a bit on the largish side leaving my upper body super out of proportion. I don’t love the way I look, but it’s how I’ve been remolded.

Some of us will go to accept, and eventually love our bodies, others will not, opting instead to change the outside to better live in their skins. Instead of either group working to make the other one feel bad, or less valuable. Let’s open our eyes to the bigger transformation, the one that takes no physical form, the metamorphosis we make from women to mothers. I love watching my friends embark on the journey of pregnancy and motherhood. I fascinate at the changes these women are able to make within their character to make way for a new being. This is our biggest change, and it is our most remarkable undertaking. No matter who we are on the outside, we all want the same thing for our children, room to grow, happiness, and love. How we provide that, is as diverse as our physical appearance.

I know now that no mark would make Katie more remembered, she lives within me, my husband, and my children. I have grown as a mother in many challenging ways starting with stillbirth, then having a son who works harder than most to overcome Autism, and it’s many challenges to him and to our family, also by having two other little girls who are seeking to find their roles and carve out their spots in our family, and by the three other early losses all at varying times in my life. Pregnant again, I wonder, if there is any room left for me to grow, but I know the growth of a mother is ever expandable. I wear my stretch marks on my heart, you can’t see them with your eyes, but ask me to show them to you, and I will share the stories that have changed my shape in seemingly impossible ways.

Embrace yourself as a mother, whether able to stand naked in front of a mirror boldly and love yourself, or as a woman who feels more comfortable undressing with the curtains tightly closed with the lights off, and do not forget to embrace other mothers whether they share your sense of self or not.

081809-erron-1
Holding Katie’s hand

081809-erron-2
Twin Tummy

I brought 6 amazing people into the world, if you don’t like my body, don’t look! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 28 Comments

28 yrs old, 5 pregnancies, 6 children (twins), 3 weeks postpartum

I am a 28 year old mom of 6 beautiful children. I have 10 year old twin girls, 8 and 6 year old boys, a 4 year olds and just gave birth to our 4th girl 3 weeks ago. I am always told that I look “great for having that many kids”…I feel that although my body has changed…quite alot with every pregnancy that the changes that remain are a small price to pay for being lucky enough to be a mother to these beautiful babies. My once perky D’s…are sadly no longer perky…They have breastfed 5 children and are currently nursing the newborn…I don’t think any new stretch marks have appeared but those I have are faded…but visible, my belly is wrinkly. I dont care…I still wear a bikini. The people who want to judge us…well they obviously aren’t mothers. But alas, one day we ALL age and our bodies WILL change…that is life…why waste time worrying about that? Let’s rejoice in our ability to create and bring to life new people!!

(Third photo is updated at seven months postpartum – Jan 2010)

Happy Birthday, SOAM!!

Bonnie (SOAM) Collaborative, News, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement 18 Comments

birthday-card

Three years ago today, I created the first post for this website. I agonized over whether this idea would succeed or if it would fall flat on its face. I begged my friends to submit photos and to pass the word on. And then within a month, I was receiving thousands of hits daily, had done an interview on Canadian radio, other interviews for online magazines and was absolutely floored to have been featured in the London Guardian. The immediate success of the site speaks volumes about how desperately such a source was needed.

I am honored to have been a part of this and honored that you all have been on this journey with me. We have made a difference already in this world, but we have a lot more work to do. So today, as a present to this website, say something nice about your mama body. You don’t have to mean it yet – that will come later – you just have to get the words out of your mouth. After all your body worked hard for you and your babies. Give it some thanks and admiration. Leave me a comment here telling me what you said and then pass along the link to this page to all your mama friends.

Here’s to another year and many more!

(Thanks to Dave Flota Photography for use of the photo!)