News

So I turned 39 this week. I don’t think 39 is old at all, and I have no problem with growing older anyway, but boy does it feel weird. Maybe it’s weirder because I am currently an undergrad going to school with kids born the year I graduated high school. Most of the time it doesn’t make a difference and I feel like they are my peers as we dissect literature or discuss feminist theory. But then they’ll make a comment (“Have you ever heard of Mr. Coffee?”) that brings me back to the reality that I could be their mother. I enjoy regaling them with stories of what the world was like in my day: having to write essays on word processors and without Google or Wikipedia. These days I do all my research from my bed or couch, but in the 90’s I remember driving to local universities to use their libraries when our civic ones weren’t enough.

So I’ve spent ten years here discussing body image and fighting the demands society puts on us to stay young. I’ve been fighting it in my own head much longer – maybe 35 years. Believe me, you could not pay me to be young again. It was exhausting not knowing as much as I do now about life. But I have to admit that I struggle with my body image. Even after all this time. Even after all this work. Sometimes it makes me feel like a big fake since I have this whole website here trying to help women love themselves just as they are. But I guess it’s normal – it takes a lifetime to undo all the societal conditioning bred into us by the time we enter grade school. Sometimes I am better at loving me exactly as I am and sometimes I struggle more with it.

SOAM has slowed down a TON in the last two years. This is a post I sort of expected to write in the early days: where I begin to consider the future of the website. In those early days, I never expected it to last as long as it has. I was lulled into a sense of permanence and so I’ve struggled these last couple of years with the slowness of the website. In some ways, I worry that I’ve failed it (and therefore you, my readers). The fact is that I may be a good writer, but I am a terrible blogger. I do not like having to market myself and I am not good enough at social media and then I let my anxieties get in the way: when I haven’t done enough work, I tend to hide my head in the sand and pretend nothing exists. SOAM could be more than what it is and the fact that it isn’t is my fault.

At the same time, though, I also realize that I have too much on my plate. I am a single mom of two kids, I am low-income, I am a full-time student, I struggle with depression and anxiety, and I am recovering from an abusive childhood and trying to learn how to be a good human. Poor SOAM, then, simply isn’t always a priority. I am sure many of you relate.

But I think the other aspect of the slowness of the site is actually really good and really exciting: these days there are so many more resources for seeing normal bodies. 10 1/2 years ago, there was almost nothing. Now there’s a ton! (You can find these other sites in the Body Positive Links above.) It’s not so revolutionary anymore and that is GOOD. It is so, so good. Ultimately the goal for SOAM is that we all want into become pointless, right?

I don’t think we’re quite there yet.

And it’s going to be a wild ride as women’s issues come to a bigger battle in the courts. I don’t like to alienate readers with politics, but I think it would be irresponsible to SOAM’s daughters and granddaughters to not take a stand for women.

So here’s the future for SOAM: I don’t really know. As long as people keep sending me posts, I’ll keep sharing them. If people stop, I’ll keep the ones we already have up for as long as I can. I’ll be writing here from time to time when I can to share news, keep readership up, etc. I’ll probably take some political stands. I want to reach out to other people who SOAM might inadvertently alienate – mamas who adopt, or trans mamas or papas who struggle with post-baby bodies or the lack thereof. I’m hoping to have some local (San Diego) gatherings – already working on one for near Mother’s Day. But while I finish school, the fact is that SOAM is not going to be my top priority. Once I’ve graduated I hope to put a ton more energy into it and make it something bigger than it ever was with books and conferences and classes. I think it would be awesome to turn it into a multi-dimensional community working towards body positivity in new ways. SOAM will probably never be exactly what it was before, but I was stupid for hoping it would never change because change is, after all, the only constant.

T-minus one year until I’m 40. I feel very old to just now be graduating and beginning a career, but life looks different for everyone and I plan to make the most of everything I have from my past to my future.

So much love to you, my readers, and here’s to another great year doing good work in the world together!

Happy New Year!

I am not usually the resolution type. This year I have chosen a word of the year to focus on (it’s “nourish” and you can read more about that here), and I’m also working on a daily moment to meditate on happiness (posting as zebrabelly on instagram under the tag #findinghappy2017 if you want to join in).

But this resolution here I think is reasonably easy to implement – it doesn’t require a daily or weekly commitment. You can do it as often as you think of it or as you need it.

When my daughter was little and just learning to talk, I made the decision to stop insulting myself in front of her. I didn’t want her to learn those habits. That small move made a huge difference in my self-esteem. So then I started complimenting myself where she could overhear me and it was good for both of us. Just a simple, “Wow, I love the way I look in these jeans!” or an “I’m having a great hair day today!” or even “red really looks good on me!” make a huge impact on you.

I have studied physiological psychology a little bit and the most fascinating and important thing I’ve learned is that our brains are kind of stupid. If they hear you say something, they believe you. If you speak ill of yourself, they start to think bad things about you. But if you say nice things about yourself, they start to believe that, too. You don’t even need to necessarily believe it at first – just hearing the words can be convincing to your brain. And the more you say it, they more they believe it.

So do it. Right now. Go say something nice about you to yourself. If your kids are around, make sure they overhear you. But if they are sleeping or elsewhere at this moment, let this compliment be practice. Because they deserve it and you deserve it.

Happy new year, you beautiful human, you.

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to get any more political than my last post. But then this week happened. Wow. I am exhausted. Are you?

Personally, I am quite liberal. I feel like SOAM is a radical and subversive idea and I think that things which are radical and subversive are, also liberal. I know there is a large liberal community here, but I also know there are a considerable number of conservative readers and I appreciate each of you. SOAM may be a liberal concept, but I LOVE that it’s a non-partisan issue and a bi-partisan community. Our diversity here is not only the very concept of SOAM (to show the world as many diverse bodies as possible), but it’s also the beauty of it. I love you guys for your love and your passion.

So I want to be very careful in my thoughts here. I am going to try to phrase things as carefully and respectfully as I can (in the time I have to write – I’ve got a buttload of reading to get done for my classes) and I hope that you can do your best to read my intents for what they are.

On the ballot I tend to vote Democrat, but I think my political beliefs can be summed up thus: each person is valuable and important. Our wonderful Declaration of Independence claims that everyone is created equally and I believe that means that each person should have equal access to knowledge and health as well as to opportunity.

Frankly, I am afraid at what is happening in the US right now. People are not being valued. The man who was elected president has said some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life about almost every group of people that make up this beautifully diverse nation. I want to cry. I am afraid for my family and friends, for my community.

I am afraid for a lot of things, but in regards to the aims and ideals of this website, I am afraid for the future of women in this country.

As an English student in my first semester of university (I transferred from a community college), I was trying to decide between taking a minor in Women’s Studies and earning a certificate in publishing with the hopes that it would guarantee me a career to plug into if other paying work wasn’t so easy to find. On Tuesday, I actually met with the advisor of the Women’s Studies department to discuss this and I told her I wasn’t sure yet. And then the election results started to roll in and I became very sure very quickly. I have decided on Women’s Studies. I know it seems silly. I probably should have majored in it since I’ve already got the decade-long career here at SOAM. But the River of Life has a lot of twists and turns and I am rowing forward all the way, but can’t always see what’s directly ahead.

Basically I have decided that there is no such thing as certainty. I was hoping for the ideals of my parents’ generation: solid career, a nice house in the suburbs, one job until retirement, and a pretty 401K to come home to someday. But that isn’t what life is. That isn’t what humanity is. That era was but a blip on the history of people’s lifestyles. And it certainly isn’t what life looks like for marginalized people. I decided it’s more important to get out there and try to make the world a better place by working towards a world where each person feels valued and important. I mean. After I die, what is there? Regardless of religious beliefs, I can’t take my nice house in the suburbs with me. I can’t take my 401K with me. All I can do is try to touch some people on this planet with love and respect and hope it makes a difference. That is the meaning of life: kindness.

This has been a difficult week for all of us, on both sides of the political fence. Many people are hurting and afraid. Listen to them. Just listen. And then hold their hands and tell them that they are valuable and important.

Love you, mamas.

Look at these beautiful bellies. All of them different. All of them once home to a brand new human being. How beautiful is that concept? But I would go farther and even say that they are just beautiful at face value. Perfect and beautiful just as they are.

This site has meant a lot to a lot of women over the years. There is a growing movement right now to question the status quo about how to define beauty and this is massively important to all women and men. SOAM is what this movement is all about. Women who have participated here have said that they appreciate the support they receive here and for every woman who posts her own story, countless others benefit from seeing all kinds of mama bodies. Maybe you will consider taking a moment to snap a quick picture of your body to help us keep SOAM making changes in the world for us and for those babies who have changed us so wonderfully.

All types of submissions are always accepted and cherished, but we are particularly lacking in stories from women of color and I’d love to see that change. We would also benefit from stories of women struggling with fertility, women who have chosen adoption or surrogacy, women who have struggled with surgeries during pregnancy or other unusual health problems, trans women and men who have thoughts to share on the subject of mama (or papa) bodies, and any other situation that you can think of that needs to be talked about more. It seems to me that the more we talk about those unusual situations, the more people benefit from finding out that they are not alone.

Please take a moment to join us. If you aren’t ready for that yet (that’s okay, too!), consider sharing this link with your friends and family or maybe even with your local news sources. The more women who participate here, the bigger the difference we can make!

Love you, beautiful mamas!

Join us in showing the world how beautiful the mama body is. Click here to participate.

The bellies in the photo collage above were graciously shared by the mamas in the following entries:

Bottom row
“Twin Mom”
“Learning to Love My Body Again One Day at a Time”
“My Story and Photos”

This is technically off topic for SOAM, but it’s relevant to way too many people so I hope you don’t mind me sharing this here. Skip to the last paragraph if you want to go directly to the BlogHer post I’ve written.

A few weeks ago I posted this as part of the SOAM Weekly Photo. I was struggling with a lower-than-usual bout of depression (I still haven’t fully recovered, which is largely why I’ve been so absent here – I’m sorry, guys. My semester ends tomorrow and I’m hoping I can find sanity shortly). As it turned out, this month is Mental Health Awareness Month so I figure my brain is just celebrating. WTG, brain.

Just two days after I posted that photo on Instagram, we had a discussion in my Interpersonal Communications class regarding depression. That professor is, problematic, to say the least, and the discussion wasn’t any better. The book she uses was written in 1971 and not significantly updated in the last 45 years. Not only do we have a lot more information about depression (and many other subjects) now, but the language itself needs to be updated simply to reflect what we’ve learned in the last 45 years about communicating with people. Namely: believe them when they say they are struggling with A Thing. Even if it’s a lie, it’s literally none of your business. But most of the time? NOT A LIE.

This particular chapter and discussion was talking about patterns of behavior that people fall into and how to choose to change them. 45 years later and we now understand that depression is not something people can just decide not to have. (BELIEVE ME I WOULD IF I COULD.)

I gave the professor the benefit of the doubt and asked her to clarify. After all, maybe she didn’t agree with that phrasing.

She did.

Other students began to agree with me and explain that they felt this was promoting the stigma rather than being helpful. But she didn’t relent.

She didn’t know that I struggle with depression, but she was essentially talking me that my depression is just an emotionally manipulative behavior that I use because I am “rewarded” with things like not being given responsibilities.

Today on BlogHer, you can go read my response. It is probably the rawest thing I have ever written and published because I was so fed up with the refusal to empathize that I bluntly shared my personal history in order to try to explain how depression is, in fact, really a real thing. Really. Check it out. Share it. If even one person can finally understand that this isn’t a choice I make in any way, my vulnerability will be completely worth it.