I am a mother of 10 children. The last two being twin boys. My firstborn twin boy died in February this year aged 4 months. I would generally be the first to complain about my figure post childbirth. But my experience has shown me what’s important in life. I would gladly be a size 24+ if i could just hold my baby in my arms one more time. So ladies forget figures and love your babies… Most precious things to be focussed on.
Child Loss
Changes (Anonymous)
My body is a blessing. Before now I wasn’t so sure. Ironically, though I had given birth 4 times vaginally (twice without meds) it took my emergency c-section to show me just how wonderful my body is. I’m not skinny, I haven’t been since my first pregnancy in high school, I have stretch marks and loose skin, cellulite, freckles and scars. I have carried seven people with in me. 5 made it earth side and 2 were called home. My body has given life and it has experienced terrible loss. The BMI index considers me over weight, and I’m ok with it. I have a scar now that is the biggest one on my body. The deepest. And it’s so beautiful. I can’t express to you just how in love with my scar that I am. I look at it and I know that we survived. We made it. No matter what I feel victorious in how I birthed my son. So please, c-section Mama’s, don’t think that because you didn’t give birth vaginally that you didn’t do something amazing. I’ve given birth just about every way that someone CAN give birth and I promise you, you’re all big damn heroes to me :) . You have that scar and your baby is here, it may not have been the birth you wanted, and next time you’re going to crush that VBAC if you go for it (I have faith in you) but please, in between now and then just remember that you’re beautiful, and that you’re no less of a woman because you had MAJOR surgery to get that baby here. Because from my experience, that takes as much of a birth warrior as squatting down and pushing baby out. <3 Age: 23 Number of pregnancies and births: 7 pregnancies 7 births 5 live births (4 mine one surro babe) number of children: 7, 3, 1 and 1 month [gallery ids="12108,12104,12105,12106,12107"]
Through Fresh Eyes (Danielle)
Age: 31
2 pregnancies, 1 birth
I am incredibly grateful to be the mother of a wonderful three year old son. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had and it takes toll on your physical body and your mind. My body is full of scars and loose skin and if you had asked me over a year ago to eradicate every inch of it I would have told you yes – in a heart beat!
Something changed a year ago, actually my whole life changed, I experience a miscarriage. It changed my whole world and the way I look at it. I became quite sad, friends disappeared, I made people feel terribly uncomfortable – no one knew what to say to me. After some time, I wanted to talk about it, but had little in terms of an audience. I started to blog regularly and turned to online groups and support. Over time I learned there was something to learn from this.
The miscarriage was incredibly difficult but it was a gift, a grand lesson to me in just learning to trust, believe and relax into life. It was a gift because it gave me new eyes. I could see that I just wanted to skip over the difficult parts of my life; I wanted to rush through pregnancy, rush through my sons temper tantrums, and rush through those people who seemed to hurt. Those things that I was trying to rush through were sometimes difficult but they helped define and help me to appreciate the good things. I used to think it was all about balance, you needed the good with the bad but now I think it’s about how you look at it. Just because something good happens to you doesn’t mean something bad needs to happen to you, those bad experiences help you realize just how awesome those good things in your life are; when you realize that you just see the good, its like a voice shouting out to you. You want the good things in life to shout to you, so the bad things don’t seem so loud.
Through my loss I learned that it wasn’t the right time for me, and my darling little one waits for a ship to sail on into this world full of love and support when the time is right. This is what I believe; it’s what I have come to know as true. It doesn’t mean I did anything to bring on a miscarriage or it was my fault, it just means it wasn’t the right time and I do believe there will be a right time.
This is just my experience, it just applies just to me, and your story is unique, just for you. If my story can help you feel happy or provide some calm in your storm that makes me happy because I was once in the midst of a terrible storm and I found comfort in those who could speak about the raging waves. I think it’s incredibly important for all of us to continue to share our stories and experiences. Don’t forget or pretend everything is perfect, because it isn’t – no one is, and that’s what makes us beautiful women. This human experience is imperfect, that’s the point, and we should celebrate our imperfections because they are beautiful. So tell your story, don’t forget it or hide it, it is beautiful celebration of life.
My Stomach Looks Distorted (Rebecca)
Age-21
Pregnancies/births-3/1
Postpartum-3 years
Hey there ladies! First off I’d like to say that I love this site and what its all about!! So, here’s my story. I gave birth to my first child,stillborn, at the age of 14. I was very petite, had a flat stomach,small boobs, and a bubble butt. I delivered Benny @ 7.5 months…..my stomach bounced back right away, but because I did go through a natural labor, my breast still filled with milk
and went from a 34 A to a DD which left me with very stretched out, saggy, dark nipple breasts. I later became pregnant with my second son Jody, at the age of 16 and birthed him @ 17….weighing in @ 8.5 oz. Throughout my whole pregnancy with him, I was smooth sailing….eating whatever I wanted when I wanted….thinking “oh, well since im still young and I already know that my body will bounce back- I don’t HAVE TO take precaution because I’ve been through this already.” BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! my pre-pregnancy weight was 112(I was actually struggling to gain weight,as I wanted to be “thick” like the other girls..which I some what did!!! I had finally fit into a size 3.yayyy!!!) flat stomach, ruined breast…with the same bubble butt. So I started @ 112….finished off the pregnancy @ 160(roughly) this left my stomach in a horrific sight!!!! After I delivered….. My stomach wasn’t huge anymore so I automatically felt “sexy” again. A few weeks later when the whole parenting thing was set….I started focusing on my body! I was so depressed..I cried and cried for days straight, having pity parties and constantly reminding myself that I WILL NEVER look as good as ANY OTHER FEMALE WHO EXISTED ON PLANET EARTH. 3 years later….I still have a hard time looking in the mirror and believing the compliments people give me, especially my BD (we’ve gone through the whole ” why the fuck do u have to look @ porn when I’m right here motherfucker!!! WHAT? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!) Its better….but we still can’t watch rated R movies that show the perfect bitches. I still have a lot of learning to do to be confident with who I am, how I’ve changed, and accepting the wrinkling skin that I’m in. I find myself seriously considering surgery.
My stats before/after: 112/140; size3/size9 ;34A/34B (stretch marks, saggy, forever cursed with large dark nipples) ; firm body& confidence/ very loose jiggly body with very low confidence. I can’t help but to compare myself to EVERY WOMAN, especially the ones close to my age (21) and feel nothing but envy. They can wear bikinis and crop tops and look great…me on the other hand…. … *tears* will never know how that feels. I pretty much feel like a fat girl trapped in a skinny girls body. I can’t wear what I’m attracted to because its meant for girls who have nice bodies. I hope to one day, get off my ass, get back into sports…..exercise and quit throwing pity parties in fitting rooms. Any words of advice??
My Rainbow Baby and VBA2C! (Shannon)
Most recent post here.
# of pregnancies and births: 4/3
How far pp: 7 years, 4.5 years, 2.5 weeks
Age: 27
As you all know (since I post here frequently!), I lost my 3rd pregnancy. I have had quite the bumpy road as far as my babies go. Connor passed away 5 years and 5 months ago (his 7th birthday was on September 24th), I had my 2nd only a year later, lost my 3rd, and just gave birth to my 4th baby on 9/19, Emerson James! It was a successful VBA2C :) You can read my other posts if you have never read any of my stories.
Here is my birth story written by my husband:
Sunday Night:
We dropped Liam off at Megan and Steve’s house so he could play with Canyon. We left there at a little after 6PM. There was traffic because of a baseball game, so we did a little detour near northeasten. All told we pulled in at 715, right on the dot.
We were admitted to the maternity floor and had a really nice nurse (who had recently graduated from UMass). The next few hours was a combination of doctors (most notably the one with the purple hair clip) to convince you that the best way to induce was to do “the balloon” followed by some Pitosin. You were concerned that, should the induction not take, you would then be coerced into doing a C-section. During the course of this, you were inspected and determined to be 1cm dilated. Also, Purple Hair Clip stripped your membranes. The doctor’s seemed a little confused as they thought you were here for an induction and yet you didn’t want the induction at the same time. In the end, partially due to PHC’s 30% success rate estimate, you decided to talk it over with Dr McElrath, your primary OB/GYN. He wasn’t available at the time, so we decided to get a hotel in hopes that we could meet with him the next morning.
Upon leaving the hospital we checked out the Howard Johnson near Fenway, but there was a game that night so it was very loud (and probably booked anyway). I looked around and decided to stay at the Best Western at 1650 Commonwealth ave. We got into the room at midnight (just as breaking bad was picking up where we left off). We watched the rest of breaking bad, then went to sleep.
Monday
We woke up and, after a few phone calls, settled on meeting with Dr McElrath at 1245. In the meantime we went to Whole Foods and got some breakfast in the form of delicious sandwiches. We met with McElrath and you were just as indecisive as last night. Fortunately McElrath made the decision for you, telling you that your best chance was to wait until you go into labor naturally. We decided to go home and wait. Before we left, we had one of what would turn out to be many meals at the Mission.
We got home, where your mom was watching Liam and Molly. The rest of the night was uneventful. We got to tuck Liam in, which was nice.
Tuesday
You starting feeling contractions around 3AM. You timed them for a while and then woke me up and we left around 6AM. Traffic was pretty bad so I cut through Woburn and back out onto 93. That saved us a little bit of time, but it still took about 1.5 hours.
Once there the doctors inspected you (and you were still 1cm dilated). After a few hours they inspected you again, and not much had changed. They said to go walk around for a while to see if that got things going. So we went to lunch at the Mission again and then met Jenny at the park on Mission Hill right off of Birgham Circle. There you did some sort of exercises to try to change Emerson’s position in your belly. I read a book. It was nice.
After the park we went to get something to eat at the Mission again (I had left my credit card there… surprise), this time Jenny joined us. The bartender gave us a free drink on account of your ripeness, which was cool of him.
We then went back to the hospital, and they inspected you… still not much progress (you might have been a little bit more effaced and softer, but nothing huge). After some chatting they decided to keep you overnight to see how things went. They decided this partially because you were having strong contractions.
Wednesday
Unfortunately, the contractions died down by the morning. You might have been 1.5cm dilated, and slightly more effaced, but progress was slow. Instead of inducing we decided to stay the (new) course of letting your body do what it wants to do. We were discharged, had lunch at the Mission, and went home. We got home around 3PM.
Liam was down on the Cape, so it was just us. We got some La Caretta and then hung out for a bit while you took bath (right before which some of your mucus plug came out). Afterwards you said it would be great to get a hotel with a hot tub. We called around and settled on the Crowne Plaza Nashua. We got there at about 630PM. You immediately got in the hot tub (which was concerningly high off the ground… funny to watch your ripe self climb into it). You were overly aggressive with the bubbles and we (mostly I) had to scoop them out and put them in the standup shower. Afterwards, I joined you in the tub (which had jets that shot out at ~100MPH). Shortly afterwards you noticed something in the bubbles. You weren’t sure what it was but we narrowed it down to three possibilities:
You pooped
You lost the rest of your mucus plug
Your water broke
You called the doctor and they said not to be concerned and that it was likely the rest of your mucus plug.
Thursday (midnight)
I should note that at this point your contractions are getting more intense. So we get back in the tub (actually just you for a while… I was chilling in a robe) as your contractions began to become more intense and more frequent. Later I jointed you in the tub and starting timing your contractions. They had been about 3-5 minutes apart for about an hour and a half when we decided to leave. We left the hotel room at 1:20AM.
The trip down to Brigham was an interesting one. I wasn’t sure if we were going to have enough gas, but I didn’t tell you at the time because you were having what appeared to be very painful contractions. Fortunately the gas was enough (barely) and the roads were wide open on account of the time, so we successfully arrived at Brigham at 2:05.
At admitting there was another pregnant woman when we arrived, and another one came in shortly after us. We all went up to the 5th floor of the CWN building (Center for Women and Newborns?). You were the last of the 3 to be brought to a room.
Once in the room, you were inspected and found to be about 4cm dilated at 80% effaced. Finally, we knew this was it and we were not leaving without Emerson coming out. In order to ease your pain and hopefully get you some rest, they gave you an epidural (something you were very excited about). During the epidural the anesthesiologist accidentally touched a wrong nerve, sending your right leg shaking. He said “What was that?” which, at the time, was discomforting. Afterwards we realized he was asking which leg it was (so he knew what it was he had touched). The rest of the anesthesia went off without a hitch and you tried to get some rest. The time was now around 5AM.
You got some rest over the next few hours, so not much happened. The nurse would periodically come in and check Emerson’s vital signs. Throughout the entire ordeal Emerson’s heart rate looked great, so again, nothing notable went on here.
Somewhere in midmorning you were determined to be about 6cm dilated. At this point I called Connie and Jenny to tell them they could come. They arrived late-morning and, after some chatting, you had them wait out in the waiting room until the time was right.
A little bit after noon you were inspected again and it was found that there was “just a lip” remaining. At this point the nurse got you getting ready to push. The next few hours was a slow progression with (what I presume to be) the usual milestones. Once it became clear that the head popping out was imminent, I was sent to fetch Connie and Jennny. They came in and watched. Your Mom prayed in the corner while I held your legs to “help” you push.
It’s worth noting that you pushed like a champ. Uncomfortable, but still cracking jokes. It was funny when they used a mirror to show you what was going on… you thought it was neat, but said you didn’t want to look in the mirror any more. As the head was out they asked if you wanted to touch it. You did, and you must’ve thought it was icky (kind of was), because you then wiped your hand on your gown.
Then you popped out the baby at 4:18PM. They put him on your chest right away, which you keep telling me was awesome (I love you baby… and I get it).
About 15-20 minutes post-partum Emerson latched on for breast-feeding. Maybe it had something to do with the skin-to-skin, but in any case, he was quite boss-like about it.
Attached photos are me 36 weeks pregnant with Emerson and my 3 boys on Connor’s birthday (Connor is on Emerson’s onsie!)
The Gift I Took for Granted (Anonymous)
When I was 12 I feel in love with a man, M. He was 18 and did not even know I was alive. But as I grew he finally took notice. When I was 15 he ask me on a date I was over the moon. While on this date his ex shows up and they ended up leaving together. That night changed my life forever. I met my husband who is 3 years older than me. J waited till I was 17 to ask me out and the night after I finished high school we made love for my first time. As a joke I told him he had to marry me and with a straight face said he had every plan to. We moved in together and for 6 weeks it was amazing. Then on 4/14/2000 my entire world crashed. A friend of his from high school knocked on our door and asked me out for lunch. I called J and ask if it was fine. Now I realize the tone of his voice it was not. But I was so tired of being home alone. After lunch S brought me back home and would not leave. I walked in the kitchen to get the phone which he breaks. I keep telling him please do not hurt J. He laughs and next thing I know I am naked laying on our sofa. As he rapes me I watch TV with Rosie O’Donnell with Tom Cruise. When he is done he laughs again and says “If you get pregnant it is not mine.” spits on me and leaves. S calls J at work and tells him that I just cheated on him. J throws me out of our apartment because I can not tell him what happened. I spend the night on the streets barefooted and in just shorts and a tiny shirt. J calls my parents the next day and they come get me. After few months my mom makes me go to the DR. and there on the ultrasound screen is a baby. A big baby. My mom takes me to J at his job and I hand him a photo of the baby. ” Happy Father’s Day.” Turning and walk away. C our son will never know. J is his father no matter what. Today J and C are at the hunting lease and me and our daughter O who is 22 months younger than C watch TV. My family has been though a lot. The loss of another baby between C&O. The loss of O’s twin. Ovarian Cancer. C falling out of a tree and almost dying. J and I almost divorcing because the hate and pain. But I am so lucky to be a Mother to 2 amazing children.
Update (Anonymous)
Previous post here.
I have a incredible update to my story. My son I gave up for adoption well his dad and I got married. We got reunited with our son on our wedding day. He and his family was at our wedding. His adoptive parents are amazing my son is now 22 and I have never been happier. I have learned through all of my life experiences that everything happens for a reason and there is a plan for each thing we face in life whether it be bad or good. I have never felt sexier, more beautiful, and complete in all my life. I will always greive for the loss of my baby but know that someday I will be reunited with him. These pics were taken just a month ago. I believe that when you love yourself love will find you. My body is not perfect no where close to perfect there are things I wish were different but I know that every flaw I see is part of the beauty in my life. Each stretch mark each grey hair and the well not perfectly toned body is all part of being a mom. One of the greatest gifts in the world. I am going to be 39 here real soon and am embracing my age and my life. I encourage all of you to love yourself you become a better lover, a better mom, a better wife/girlfriend. When you love yourself your truly able to give all of you to the ones you love
1 Year PP and I Still Disgust Myself (Brittani)
I married my husband on my 18th birthday. A little over a month after our first anniversary, we found out about our oops baby. We had been using condoms, and I guess one failed. We were scared, since we were so young, but excited. I knew my body would change, but I was fairly confident that my belly would bounce right back like everyone said it would because I’m so young. Then I developed preeclempsia. I am 5’7″ and started at 121 lbs before pregnancy, dropped down to 119 right after I got pregnant, and then barely gained 12 lbs in the entire first two trimesters. Then I started jumping up at least 5 lbs a week from water weight with preeclempsia. Nothing I did prevented this, not even the extremely low sodium diet I was put on. When I went to the hospital at 41 weeks to be induced, I weighed 189 lbs. I lost nearly all of the water weight within three months of giving birth. I breastfed/pumped until my milk dried up at 4 months pp, and none of the real weight (all located in my belly and lovehandles) went away. The rest of my body looks the same as it did prepregnancy (aside from the one saggy boob lol), but between my bellybutton and vulva I am stretchmarked, saggy, blobby, and jiggly. It looks gross and makes me a little sick to look at it. My stretchmark color isn’t what bothers me, they’ve faded to a light lavender/pink/silver, it’s the fact that most of them are a 1/4 inch wide, and I even have a few over a 1/2 inch wide. Not long. WIDE. You can physically see the tears in my tissue under the skin. My tummy skin is saggy and floppy and makes me think of Adam Sandler’s tongue belly on Click. My love handles FORCE me to wear mom jeans up to my bellybutton, because anything lower gives me a muffin top of colossal proportions. I can’t wear sexy underwear, because the effect is ruined by all the flab spilling out over the top and my cellulite and stretchmarked butt. I’ve dieted, eaten right, walked, done yoga, and every other exercise I can do without danger to my health (I have exercise induced asthma attacks so I can only do exercises that don’t make you breathe fast or hard). Now my daughter is walking and running, and I’m also chasing her around. Nothing helps. My husband says he loves my body, and tells me I’m beautiful, but I know it’s because he doesn’t want to upset me. He may love me for me, but there is NO WAY to be attracted to my midsection below my bellybutton. I have always been a person who hates clothing, and if given an opportunity I would never wear them, but it’s sad now for me to have to be fearful of wearing certain clothes because they make me look lumpy or gross.
Pregnancy also ruined my health. My immune system is shot. Before I got pregnant, I was the kind of person that got sick maybe once a year. I developed recurrent strep after I had my daughter, and get it at least once a month. I also get recurrent sinus infections, and catch any illness I am or am not exposed to. I exercise regularly, and yet normal everyday activities like getting off the couch and cooking dinner make me out of breath. I am not overweight for my height 5’7 at 132 lbs, but I FEEL fat. Not like the way I look, but the way I feel when trying to move around. Fat and old and unhealthy. I just want to be healthy and pretty again so much that I go on good sob fests probably every week. I can’t afford to go to the doctor to see what is wrong, and I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Does this ever end? Will I ever feel like a healthy happy woman again, comfortable in my body?
~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth at 41 weeks. 1 miscarriage at 8 weeks.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 year old
Life After Loss (Rea)
~Age: 18
~Number of pregnancies: 2
~number of births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my son is 27 months
My name is Rea. I was 15 when I got pregnant with my son. I was sitting at about a size 3-5 and 120 pounds. I wasn’t looking out for my weight when I was pregnant and I regret it so much now. I was about 180+ pounds at 38 weeks when Bentley was born on january 27, 2011. He was 8 pounds. I was so heartbroken to have a c-section. I lost all my weight and then some without doing anything. I felt blessed and lucky but at the same time still hated my stomach, that was covered in stretch marks and had a ‘mom pouch’. I did it all after my boyfriend of 2 years left us shortly after my 17th birthday in 2012. It was hard, and I didn’t have a lot of friends to talk too. But I picked myself up and moved on. My ex got vistation taken away in June 2012 for doing drugs. I knew I was a good mom and did everything for my son. All alone.
I was pretty lonely tho, and in July 2012 I got a new boyfriend. He was a little younger than me. He taught me to not be so serious, and helped me find the right balance between being a mom, and being a teenager. We had a good few months..then I became pregnant again. It was not planned and I didn’t notice how much I was eating until I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I had an iud and was very scared. I was 100 pounds when I got pregnant the second time. I miscarried that baby at 12 weeks, and I sunk into a deep depression for about 5 months. Me and my boyfriend broke up after finding out about the baby.
Me and my first son’s dad got back together 2 months ago. I think we both just needed some time and space away from each other to grow up. He went to treatment and was so hurt to see me with someone else. He was the one who was there for me after I lost my baby. I never shed the 10 pounds of baby weight or the 20 pounds of depression weight. I now weigh 136 and I hate my body more and more. I feel ungrateful because I’m a size 5 still but I cry every time something doesn’t fit. I’m trying really hard to lose weight and fit into my old clothes again.
Uncomfortable in My Skin (Kel)
Age: 34
Pregnancies/Births: 5/3
Time PP: 25months
Ages of Children: 5 1/2 years, 4 years and 25motnhs
I am an Aussie stay at home mum of three beautiful bright, perfect and healthy children. They light up my life and I adore them all. I also have an amazing husband. We have been with each other for almost 15 years. He rocks my world.
Our journey to parenthood began unexpectedly. Four months after being with my (then boyfriend, now my hubby!), I accidentally fell pregnant at 19 when the condom broke and he didn’t tell me, because he wasn’t aware of the morning after pill! I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 12 weeks along (my hubby was away in the armed forces during this time), because I had been having spotting and cramps like I was having a light period.
My boyfriend came home after 12 weeks deployment, and I was still spotting and cramping. I thought it wasn’t normal and I told him I was worried something was wrong with me. He then told me what happened and I could be pregnant. So I did a test, and hey presto, I was expecting! I had cramping and bleeding on and off for the duration of the pregnancy and as a result, I quit my course I was studying because it was our testing and assessment period at the time and to try to be a bit more relaxed and to help my baby grow I thought it best to quit. Sadly, our baby was not to be, and at 17 weeks we found out we had lost our little boy, who we named Joshua. I was terribly devastated, despite this pregnancy being such a surprise, I was desperate to be a mum, and have wanted to be one since I was tiny myself.
After being induced and giving birth, I was fairly sick. I ended up hemorrhaging badly around 3 weeks after giving birth, due to retained products of pregnancy, I had several blood transfusions but I was still weak. I was very sick and was in hospital for the first time in my life, without my partner, who was once again overseas on deployment. I was young and scared and broken. I was (what I now realise), suffering with Post Natal Depression (PND). I gained some weight, about 7-ish kilos (15 pounds). I was sick for a long time after losing so much blood, and had to had iron infusions and just couldn’t do things because I was so weak. Working and school just weren’t options. I slowly got well again, with the support of my partner and mum.
After our first loss, my partner and I were much stronger as a couple. We got married and moved in together and lived a wonderful life doing the things young people do, whilst we were young and before we really started trying to have a family. When we were 27 (after being together for 8 years and married for 4), we decided it was the time in our life to start a family, so we started trying for a baby. I was a little worried and stressed out about it, and terrified of losing another baby. We fell pregnant after about 4 months of trying. We were ecstatic but cautious. Work was stressful for me at this time. I was also studying at university and we were looking at buying a home. My partner was only working part time and also studying at university.
Sadly again, this baby was not meant to be. At 11 weeks we found out I had lost the baby again. Another little boy. All testing and medicals came back as being normal, there was no explanation as to why I was losing our babies. After this we put off trying for another baby for several months. But it consumed me. All I wanted was a child with my husband. I was so sad and down. Through my depression, yet again I gained some more weight (and hadn’t lost the weight I gained before) about another 5-6 kilos (12 pounds) was added to my little 164 cm (5’4”) frame.
Six months or so passed, and hubby and I decided we would try again. We didn’t fall pregnant for about 6 months. I was so petrified I would not be able to have children. When we finally did fall pregnant again, I was scared. Particularly when I started spotting again. I was fraught with fear of losing my baby again. At work I took on a lesser position with less stress. I put my uni course on hold and just tried to relax in general. I had early ultra sounds and tests every few weeks to make sure my hormones were doing what they should when pregnant.
And they did. Thank goodness, this baby was a sticky one. My belly grew and I loved being pregnant. I didn’t suffer from the worse types of pregnancy ailments. No morning sickness or other illnesses. Just a bit of heartburn and pain in my back, I enjoyed this pregnancy. Finally I had my beautiful rainbow baby and she was stunning. The most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. We were smitten. But she was a difficult baby. I had a bit of birth trauma after a long, induced birth, as well as having post postpartum hemorrhage and needing blood transfusions. I had difficulty breastfeeding. I now suspect my daughter had reflux. She didn’t sleep much, woke often and was hard to settle. She was partially breastfed and bottle fed, and I was pumping and doing bottles, and trying desperately to get her fully breast fed, though that never happened. There were lots of tears from both of us through the first 6 months of her life.
I was having issues with how my body had changed with pregnancy. My husband and I were going through a lot within our marriage trying to sort out how to be a family of 3. I hadn’t gained much weight during pregnancy and actually weighed less after birth than I did pre pregnancy. But now I was gaining more weight I was now around 80kg (176 pounds). I hated myself, I wasn’t as good at being a mum as I thought I would be. I was doing it tough, and again, in hind sight I realise I was suffering with PND.
It was around Christmas time, 7 months after I gave birth to our gorgeous daughter. I would be returning to part time work and University in the new year. Then I found out I was pregnant. Merry Christmas!! Whist my husband and I wanted more children, we were planning on waiting until I had finished uni and he had settled into his new job and just when life was more settled in general. But clearly the universe had other plans for us.
This pregnancy was easy early on. I had none of the bleeding or cramping I had with my previous pregnancies. Which was great, since I had to throw myself back into work and studying, as well as now being a mummy. Our daughter was becoming easier to care for. She was sleeping better, and was becoming an absolute joy to parent. Until about 6 months into the pregnancy, that is.
Sadly, I started really struggling within myself again. A doctor diagnosed AND/PND (ante natal/post natal depression) he told me I needed to sleep better and relax more. What a laugh that was!! Things were getting tough to deal with again. I failed a subject at uni. Work was getting harder due to my size with the pregnancy (I am an early childhood teacher). I was huge this time. I had minor polyhydramniosis (excess fluid around the baby), plus he was a big baby, always measuring large at doctor appointments. I had back and pelvic issues (SPD and sciatica), I have severe reflux and later on got pretty bad odema (swelling) in my hands and feet.
Finally the time came to give birth again. I was determined to do it naturally this time, we hired a doula and I researched a lot. He was born at 4.2kg and 56.5cm long ( about 9p 4o, and 22 1/4 in), totally naturally. I had done it all by myself to day I was proud would be an understatement. His birth was amazing. He breastfed like a champion. This was all so much easier than when I had my daughter.
Unfortunately I was still suffering with depression. Our son was a very frequent feeder around 2 hourly day and night, and our daughter still woke 2-3 times a night. Though he wasn’t a difficult baby, feeding him 12+ times through the day and night as well as having a young toddler was taking it’s toll. My husband did odd hours at work, often working 12 + hours thought the night, then trying to sleep through the day. I wasn’t getting any support from family unless I literally begged them to take the kids. I was finding it hard to see anything in my life as being enjoyable. I gained more weight (another 5-6kg) and hated my body even more because of what another pregnancy with a lager baby did to me. My back and pelvis still ached even after giving birth and I had even more stretch marks, from my ribs down to my pubic bone. I have excess skin which will not go away even if I lose the weight.
When my son was 5 months old I had to return to part time. Finances were very tight. Life was a blur for me. I don’t remember a lot of my sons baby hood because I was struggling so much. I often wanted to just get away, driving in the car to work, I would fantasise about just keeping driving. Not stopping at work, or to pick up the kids. Just to drive into the sunset. There were a few moments during this time that I considered suicide. It was just all too much. So overwhelming.
My suicidal moments were fleeting, and usually when I had only had 3-4 hours sleep for weeks on end. But they were there. That was all in my head. I look back now and I am amazed how my husband and I did it. We did it together. There were times when we fought like cat and dog. When it was hard to support each other through it all because we were both suffering and struggling, but we did it. Through our hardest times and darkest hours we made it through. But we could see something had to change. This would be our life, struggling through every thing, only just making it week to week and not really enjoying anything, if we didn’t make a big change.
We decided we would go and live in the bush for a while with hubby’s job. We also talked about having another baby. With moving to the bush, we would be able to have another bub, and I would be a stay at home mum. So that is what we did. About 4 months after discussing it, I was pregnant and we were moving to a remote country town. Life got easier. For a while.
We moved 900km (a 9-ish hour drive) away from our loved ones and the familiarity of home. To a town 3 hour drive from any kind of civilisation, with around 3500 people. It was like a foreign country to us.
I started struggling again with the pregnancy. My back and pelvis started to play up fairly early on. By now, I was about 90kg (198pounds). So mixing being overweight, with being pregnant with another big baby boy and I was struggling to move very much at all. I had no friends and my children were bored and frustrated at home. During my last few months, I couldn’t do a lot with them, besides read books and watch movies. Thankfully I managed to get a place in childcare for one day a week.
I gave birth to another gorgeous little (big!) boy, again naturally and with my wonderful doula and hubby at my side. Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged again and required blood transfusions. My son ended up in special care nursery too, with intestinal issues. Breast feeding wasn’t off to a very good start this time. Thankfully, his tummy issues resolved themselves, and we managed to get breastfeeding fully again.
I had another frequent feeder, and again in hind sight, I think he also had silent reflux like his big sister. He was hard to settle at night in particular and it wasn’t unusual for me to be up with him for hours rocking and burping and trying desperately to settle him. My first son and daughter were also still waking at night, so yet again I was working on 4 or so hours of sleep a night. My husband was (and is!) wonderful and would often deal with the older children, though still had to work as well, so I tried my best to do it myself. Still suffering with PND, it was still tough, though I don’t think it ever got as hard as it did when son #1 was born.
I am happy to say now, that I am depression free. I still have bad days, but I can cope with that! My children are turning into wonderful, bright little people and my hasband and I are still going strong. I have started studying at uni again this year and hope to finally finish off my degree! I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have made amazing friends living out in the bush and have experienced a life I would never have had otherwise.
I still struggle with how I look though. I have never had a good body image. Sadly, I have always had an issue with myself. Sadly, because I was always fairly fit and healthy when I was younger. Now I have let myself go (far beyond the limits of what is ‘normal’) I am about 35-40 kilos (65-90-ish pounds) overweight. Before children I was around 63 kg (139 pounds), now I am about 97kg (214 pounds). Now I really do hate how I look. Now I realise how beautiful I really was. I have stretch marks from my ribs down to my pubic bone and around to my sides, I have over hanging skin. I also still have issues with my back, which I put down to being so over weight, unfit and inflexible. I am now trying to lose the weight. Slowly, but surely it will come off again. When it does, I plan on having plastic surgery to correct the skin issues. It will never go away on its own, I think it will just look even worse with the more weight I lose. I want to like how I look. One day I will.
Photos
1. After my first pregnancy (miscarriage at 17 weeks)
2. Around 6 months pregnant with each child
3. My babies
4. After son #1
5. Now
