Miscarriage after giving my son up for adoption 20 years ago. (Anonymous)

I am a 37 year old mother I have a son whom I gave up for adoption at the age of 16 giving him a better life. Struggling with the thought of if I did the right thing all those years fighting suicide and many heartaches including cancer I managed to happily become pregnant last year and today would have been my babies due date. I was only 7w eeks along when I found out I was pregnant never missed a period, nothing I was so so excited when I finally heard the news I was having a baby the excitement was short lived I delivered a baby in my bathtub 2 weeks later with what I thought was just a kidney stone pain. It was the most excruciating heartbreaking time of my life. I had been cramping all day long but knew already I had a kidney stone something not rare for me. I was in so much pain I decided to get in the bath. Everything happened so fast I did not even have time to drive the 40 min from my small rural town to the city where the hospital was. When I entered the bath I had the most severe pain and started noticing small amount of blood my husband got me out and we went to research it on the computer, and called the dr. I could not find anything that truly explained what a miscarriage felt like what it looked like. My doctor called us back about 20 min later by this time I was already back in the bath trying to relieve the pain. I minutes later had a severe contraction which I now know was the pain and delivered my 9 week old baby.

We called our pastor and he came over and went to the hospital with us. I was bleeding so intensely and was in shock he and my husband boxed our lil baby up I was told by a cruel nurse to just flush it like it was a gold fish or something . We took it to the hospital with us and since it was considered a fetus there was nothing they could do at the hospital I was told I could take my baby and bury it at home in my flower garden or flush it or they could dispose of it. I was like really? How cruel its my baby. I chose to take it home and we buried it under a favorite tree with our pastor.

I am only writing this hoping I can be of help with someone hurting and or wanting to know what a miscarriage feels like . What a baby looks like I was told by the nurses at that size many do not even see their baby. They usually just pass it in the toilet. I however want others to know that I feel your pain and grieve with you. Your baby is your baby the minute you conceive. At 9 weeks I could make out his/her lil fingers , a lil mouth and even a nose. My body is not attractive anymore I received stretch marks when I was 16 with my son. I feel so ugly on the outside even at 37. I thought when I was in my 20s I would just get used to them and well they would fade , they have but are still there and I have a constant reminder that I gave someone a gift more precious than one could imagine.

Attached are 3 photos one of my miscarried baby last year and 2 of me 20 years after giving birth to my son stretch marks and all

Updated here.

17 thoughts on “Miscarriage after giving my son up for adoption 20 years ago. (Anonymous)

  • Thursday, January 12, 2012 at 7:35 am

    I was amazed looking at the picture of your tiny baby. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. You are absolutely right…your baby is your baby the second it is conceived. I think you look beautiful. You have carried 2 children, and I hope you get to carry more…if that is what you want.

  • Thursday, January 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks along when I found out our baby had died at 8weeks. They did an ultrasound and saw the fetus but no heartbeat. They gave me a choice of have a D&C or letting nature take its course. I chose the latter and it was about 1-2 weeks before I actually passed our baby but I didn’t get the perfect little body you got. I don’t know when I passed the baby but I know there was one. (That was unkind of the nurses to say you could flush your baby. I wish I had a body to bury.) Your little baby is beautiful and I’m glad you got a picture of him/her. When I was going through the miscarriage it was like a mini labor. Even though I hadn’t experienced one yet I figured it was like that. And it was painful coming every so often for 12 hours or so. My husband and I believe our baby would be a boy and he would be 11 and a half now. I went on to have 2 beautiful healthy children and then I had another miscarriage almost 6 years to the day of the first one. I was also about 8 weeks along. But I didn’t have an ultrasound this time. This baby would now be 5 and a half. Later I went on to have twins. My children know that they have 2 siblings in Heaven that they are looking forward to meeting someday. I think that it was wonderful that you gave your baby up for adoption to give him a better life. Maybe someday you two will get to meet. I have 2 adoptive siblings. My sister got to know her biological family in her late 30’s. I think your body is beautiful. I hope you will try for another baby. Please don’t be scared to if you really want one. Sometimes it takes time to heal. If you are interested in reading my story you can find it under “Twins” My Story is Long (Anonymous) July 2010 is the date. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Thursday, January 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear about the pain in your life. What you did for your son was selfless and was a gift to him. You couldn’t have done anything more kind or loving for him. For your baby, this little one did not live long or even get a chance to take a breath, but he or she was a little person and you loved him or her from start to finish and that means something! I hope you get that chance to be a “for keeps” mom someday soon!

    As for your body, you are indeed very attractive! You have such beautiful round breasts and you have a lovely body! Attraction has more to do with confidence than anything and the fact that you’re rocking that cute little bikini is both attractive and confident! You go, girl!!! :)

    Please update us soon! I hope this puts you and others on the road to healing!

  • Thursday, January 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Giving your son a better future was and is awesome. I know it still hurts, ‘though. I think you look amazing, but I understand that the marks of motherhood will remind you of your son. The nurse that told you to flush the baby was just so insensitive. I know that doctors and nurses in L & D see so many miscarriages they probably become numb, but someone needs to slap them IMO. It is a baby. The moment you know that you are expecting you dream of a healthy, happy little baby, and losing that baby at any stage is heartbreaking. Personally, I would write to the nurse’s supervisor. I hope you can accept and even find happiness in your choice to go with adoption. I also hope that you will have a healthy baby in your arms soon. The losses you have experienced will forever be etched in your mind, but trust that you will find happiness.

  • Friday, January 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Don’t be afraid to try again, please. It’s a sad story, and it brought tears to my eyes…especially with the comments that were made. I agree, a baby is a baby, no matter how small. Best of luck to you! By the way, you look amazing!!

  • Saturday, January 14, 2012 at 12:19 am

    You look great and you have a great attitude. I’m so sorry about your loss – that is heartbreaking. Good luck in the future trying to conceive. Please don’t give up hope. I know this is hard to hear, but normally having a miscarriage is your body’s way of saying something isn’t right. Many babies who are miscarried have serious genetic disorders or other problems, so many doctors believe miscarriage is the body’s way of saying something isn’t quite right.

  • Saturday, January 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried an 8.5 week fetus at 11 weeks pregnant. Like you, I was in my bathtub. I took pictures as well, and buried my baby in my back yard. I’d be willing to share my pictures with you if you like. You could email me at bcblondie05 at hotmail dot com.

  • Tuesday, January 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    My heart goes out to you beautiful one… I share your pain as I also lost my baby birthing him at 19 weeks.. the lack of compassion from some hospital staff is just astounding!! You are so right when you say “your baby is your baby the minute you conceive” I still grieve for him even though I gave birth to a little girl just one week ago…she is my phoenix.
    You look just wonderful in your pictures, vibrant and healthy: ) I wish you all the best ???

  • Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    They were meant to be love hearts not question marks!!

  • Monday, February 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and the picture of your beautiful little baby. And I am so sorry for you loss…
    I had my third miscarriage this past Christmas and my two live children and I buried the little baby in our garden underneath my eldest daughters fig tree.
    It is very special to have the little baby in our garden. I hope it will be for you, too. For now I wish you lots of strength to recover from your loss. Please take good care of yourself. <3

  • Monday, March 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I am so sorry for both of your losses. I hope you have a relationship w your older son that was lost through adoption. I know a number of women who were only able to conceive after they located and communicated with their child.

  • Saturday, April 21, 2012 at 5:12 am

    There is nothing more brave and selfless than bearing a child that you give to someone else so that he can have a better life. If only more people did this, the world would be a better place – instead of people raising kids that they didn’t want and can’t cope with and take good care of. I understand how this has haunted you, but you should never, never feel guilt for this selfless act. Perhaps you could contact him to help answer th many questions you must have about his life, and to explain to him what happened. If you cant, just remember that you gave him two great gifts… Life and the chance for a better life than you could provide at that time.

    I am sorry for your pregnancy loss too. You have suffered many hard times in life. I wish you well for the future.

  • Friday, July 13, 2012 at 5:39 am

    Your story mad me cry,im so sorry for Your loss. :( Dont stop hoping and making a baby,or just adopt one,it would full your heart.
    Btw you look better than me,and Im just 27 with 2 kiddos.

  • Tuesday, October 16, 2012 at 12:50 am

    aww! I am so sorry about your baby! I am so glad you shared this story with everyone! I think being a woman in our society that is so focused on external beauty we forget what true beauty is! And it is the greatest gift a living being can have! is to bear life and bring it into the world! seeing your little baby who did not get a chance to make it makes me feel so selfish! Here I am so consumed by stretch marks and saggy skin, I forget that I am blessed with such a beautiful gift, carrying a child! By the way you look great! I really like your boobs they are very round and symetrical they remind me of my boobs before I got pregnant lol

  • Sunday, April 14, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    I am surprised how much your baby looks just like our most recent loss!!! We were 8-10wks, only knew I was pregnant for 11 days before we lost our baby… We burried him in the back yard too. So very hard, but I thank God for the time I was able to spend with him/her, holding our baby, taking photos, taking the time to pick a name, and bury him properly. Your mom bod btw, super hott!! ;) Thank you for sharing your story!!

  • Monday, January 26, 2015 at 5:10 am

    It’s a big no no for pregnant women to get in hot baths. It’s fine if the bath was at ur body temperature. My mom had many miscarriages, whenever she used to feel pain she used to sit in a bath tub. We later found out from her doctor that it puts the baby in distress and you lose it faster. So for any pregnant women, if you are having cramps, go to the doctor, do not sit in a hot bath tub.

    I wish you all the best and hope that soon you will have a cute little one to cuddle

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