Submissions

Can I Get a Do-Over? (Megan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 17 Comments

One pregnancy, one baby, 13 months old.
I’m currently 22, 13 months postpartum.

If I could go back and do my pregnancy over, KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW, I’d do so much differently:

* I’d keep working out daily, just like I had been doing up until the moment I peed on the stick.
* I’d skip the mom haircut I got at 7 months preggo (thank heavens that’s finally grown out!).
* I’d eat little bits throughout the day between meals. Then maybe I wouldn’t have been STARVING after work and so willing to abandon my clean eating in favor of shoveling anything down!
* I’d go with my gut and have that home birth I wanted. I got my “natural” hospital birth but not really on the terms I’d planned on.
* I’d remember to slather on the anti-stretch mark cream more often. I know I’m genetically more inclined to get them (my mom did) but at least I’d feel better about having put up a good fight against them!
* I’d try to keep the weight gain to under 50 pounds. Maybe then I wouldn’t have so many stretch marks in the first place. I mean, I knew I’d probably get them on my boobs and tummy (which I did) but seriously, ALL down my legs? and my hips? and my butt? AND coming out of my hoo-ha?! Sooo embarrassing.
* I’d buy cuter maternity clothes so that in all my preggo pics I wouldn’t be wearing ratty b-ball shorts and my hubbies t-s. For reals, by week 41 that’s all I could squeeze into.
* I’d buy a belly bandit and wrap up my tummy right after the baby came out. Then maybe it wouldn’t have taken 13 months just to end up looking like I do now.

I hope my next pregnancy goes much differently than my first but with the same result: an amazing little one! I know the physical stuff doesn’t really matter in the end, but it’s so hard to stop blaming myself for my somewhat ruined body. I feel like I’d be pretty much fine with my body now (Super droop boobs included. After 12 months of hardcore nursing, I expected it.) if only I had no stretch marks. Extra skin/fat I can deal with and work hard to correct, but no matter how many squats I do, these marks will never leave my thighs. People always say, “Don’t worry they fade sooo much!” Yeah but seriously, my skin is no longer the texture of a human. Plus, it’s been A YEAR! When are they gonna fade off my legs?! Jeez. I’m finally glad I need to wear contacts because without them in, I look pretty good! Thanks for letting me vent. Keep going mama’s, we’re all doing the most important job in the world and that’s what I keep trying to focus on ….

Pics: all 13 months pp. Stretch marks on hips, legs, and stomach. Sucking in the tummy. Pulling up my extra skin and then letting it all hang out!

Updated here.

Is there hope or am I going to be in these shoes forever? (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I am 19 years old/ 18 when pregnant/ 19 when i gave birth.
number of children:1 born july 8th 2010.
birth: c sec.
pre pregnancy weight:105
Wheight right before birth: 175
Wheight now: 144
Weeks pp: 7

Hello. I started this entry knowing exactly what I wanted to say but suddenly…I dont know where I should start…perhaps I should start by saying that like most teens I was ungratful about my body I once had, and took every beautiful inch of it for granted. Or should I start by saying that I got pregnant on perpose?? Ither way I think I shall start with pre pregnancy life…pre pregnancy life was full of bushitten and partying…at the age of 17 i met the best boyfriend any 17 year old could ask for, i was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship when i met the guy i want to spen the rest of my life with. i had been seeing someone since i was in 7th grade off and on until my jr year began. he fooled me so many times i look now and waunder what the hell i was doing. he cheated on me with my friends and always dissed me for other people…i guess its because when i lost my verginity to him i was only 12 and i was stupid and too young for sex. My father was never realy around in my younger years, so perhaps thats why i clung on for sooo long as well…andywho I met Cory my boyfriend now, at 17 when I was still with this guy…and I ended up leaving him for cory…which i will never regret =) Cory and i where dating for a few months and i fell for him hard and fast…he then moved to another state where his mother lived to get his life back on track, i was heart broken..but we kept in touch the whole time he was gone, he was gone fore about 4 months, when he got back, he thought he was too young to be tied down and wanted to brake up, i was heart broken…so he went his way, and i went mine…little did i know he was getting into some pretty hardcore drugs, and so was I with other people. He was doing meth and i was doing coke. a few months went by and at this time my x’s cousin was trying to get with me, i desided what the hell free coke, and i get to get my x back for all the times he messed with my best friends, so me and this guy fooled around, we will call him bubba, him and i where really good friends before we fooled around…but since we do not speak. so cory comes back around feeling like he messed up…and at this point i didnt know what to do. at the time i thought i cared abouit bubba but i truly didnt know what love was yet. long story short bubba and i broke up and cory and i got back together. cory was living with his dad who was a drunk like mine, and thought buyin alcahol was more important than paying the gas bill…and it was the middle of winter. so there was no heat or hot water. i stayed the night with him most the time, because i was just so crazy about him, and i had a vehicle to get to school. i would tell my mom i was staying at my dads, who lived a few blocks away, but i think she knew better.
Cory and I ended up getting into meth pretty bad up for days, and weeks at a time…hangen with the wrong crowed, when i was with my x i had no friends i didnt go out drinking or partying i wasnt allowed to, because i was stupid and let him control me. so once i got away i was doing everything crazy that came my way and it felt great!! Until I oded. and ended up in the hospital, cory and i had been up for weeks and my heart rate was increasing dramaticly and i was halusinating…when we got to the hospital i hardly rememberd a thing…my heart rate was 198bpm, from what my mom told me later on…after this i vowed never to touch that shit again…

a year went by i graduated high school barly, and cory and i got our own place. i was working full time at a call center and he was working full time at a catering company…he had dropped out of school when he was 16 he is a year younger than me.

I was on the depo bc shot for almost two years, when i got off it, i had horrable periods and bleeding problems thinking id never get pregnant…i got depressed. then i got to wanting a baby, for about 6 months, and then cory and i desided we would try for a baby i was almost 19 and he was almost 18, yea stupid i know. but we tryed and tryed and finally i realized it was never going to happen…then poof! on nov. 10th my mothers bday i got a pos. pregnancy test! I was so stoked!!! i called him to tell him and he was happy too! then everything came crashing down we both lost our jobs and had to move to missouri where his family lived, other than his dad. we where living with his sister which was not plesent at all grant it she is a great person, but it was very crowded. i was 24 weeks pregnant when we got our apartment, and settled in he was working full time at mcdonalds, and i couldnt find a job even if i tryed, i was already getting huge…
i was mesuring 5 wks ahead because of extra water the placenta was retaining…
people would ask me if i was having twins…
finally when i was 39 weeks and 3 days i was indused…because of savere vvaricose vains and the fact that my uturus would not grow any further, on l=july 7th i was induced…july 8th, i was finally 10cm dialated after 13 hours of labor and ready to push, i pushed for 3 hours before the doc said no no no! his head is stuck on your pelvic bone! i started to ball why me!!! after all this work. the gave me a spinal blcok that failed so they had to kncock me out for c sec. cory was devistatetd he couldnt be in the room for the birth of our baby! the knocked me out and the next thing i remember was waking up and getting to hold my beautiful baby boy! Karter Julian Wayne Bowser! he was born at 6:18 pm july 8th 9ibs 20z 201/2 inches long!!!

he was perfect in every way!!!

but now im left with this stumic. i dont mind the stretch marks, nor do i mind my scar, its this overhang thats deeply depressing me. ive never seen anyone with an issue until i came to this site, everyone i know had little 6ib babys and quick natural labors…and back to there pre pregnancy self…
i was a size 0 when i got pregnant now im a 9. that dosnt even bother me.
i just dont feel there is hope to get rid of this flab…everyone tells me only sergary can fix it. specially since i have desrectis recti savere seperation of the abdominal wall, because of how big i was…
please ladys give me hope!!! that I will beable to loose this!

im ataching a picture of my son less than a day old and of now, and a picture of me and cory before i got pregnant, as well as a before pregnancy pic and a pic of me at 30 wks pregnant. and pics of me now.

My struggle, the stretch marks are totally worth it (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 8 Comments

I have an incompetent cervix. This means that my cervix opens way too soon, resulting in a miscarriage or stillbirth. My first pregnancy I lost at 9 weeks when the baby was discovered to have passed away. My second pregnancy I lost at 4 months, when my water broke and I was dilating. The baby was already on her way out, so I had to deliver. At this point.. no diagnosis was made. They said it was a fluke, and no mention of a cervical condition was made.

When I found out I was pregnant again, needless to say, I was terrified. All I could think is “What if it happens again?”. I was very cautious, and so was my doctor. Every little pain I felt I made sure I was checked out. At around 18 weeks I was feeling some strange pressure, so being the nervous mama that I was, I went to the ER. The ER docs checked me out. They did a manual exam which concluded that my cervix was still closed. I was relieved. They decided to call my on call doc to let him know what was going on and then they were going to release me. I was sitting in the exam room waiting, quite relieved that everything appeared to be OK. Then, the on-call doc walked in. He just happened to be in the hospital, and given my history he decided to check me out himself. He did another exam and said that my cervix was closed but felt a little bit soft and not like that of a woman who has never given birth at term. He took me up to L&D. I started to get a little nervous but figured he was just being cautious. He did a transvaginal ultrasound and found that my cervix was serverely funneled (opening from the inside out) and very short. Usually this happens when you’re going into labor, but in my case.. it was just happening. I cried, got dizzy, almost passed out. The doctor was very kind and explained what could be done and that all hope was not lost. I decided to go home that night, and call my own doc in the morning. I truley believe that the on call doc being there was a miracle. If it wasn’t for him, I would have lost this baby too.

The next morning my doctor had called me. He had my report to a local women’s only hospital. The High Risk specialists there were awesome. They confirmed that my cervix was indeed dilating and short. They then set me up for an emergency cerclage. A cerclage is a stitch placed in the cervix to hold it closed and keep the baby in for as long as possible. They admitted for the night, and the procedure was set for the morning. I was TERRIFIED!! I barely slept all night long. I cried the whole time I was wating to go into surgery. There are risks to the procedure (breaking of the water, infection etc) and I just wanted to bad for my baby to be OK. Turned out, the procedure wasn’t so bad. I was awake for it, but was given a Spinal Anesthetic so I couldnt feel a thing. It was over in about 30 minutes.. and then I was sent to recovery. I had some cramping but was doing OK, so they sent me home that night.

At first, I was scared to even move out of my bed. I was taken out of work and was told to stay at home and relax for the most part. I wasn’t on bedrest persay but I was still terrified of doing anything to mess things up.

Ok, fast forward to now. Every since the placement of the cerclage my cervix has been being very good! The funneling has resolved and my cervix actually gained length. I am now 31 weeks, and the baby is doing great!! He kicks me all the time and I love it. Some days I sit here and watch my belly move all around.. It’s so cool :) No one had even expected me to make this far. But here I am.. still doing great. No signs of labor or anything. I am so thrilled.

What’s funny is that once things started to look up and I started to get a lot less nervous.. I started looking at the changes in my body. My belly really started to pop right out at around 28 weeks. I am short (5’2) and I am all belly it seems. I have only gained about 15-16 lbs during this pregnancy but I still have a lot of stretch marks. They are running all across my belly and sides. I was depressed about them for a while, but when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he just looked me funny. He said “Babe, all this time you’ve been so worried over this baby and now you’re worrying about something as superficial as those stretch marks? I’d love you if you were covered in them. Don’t worry so much!”. He was right. How could I worry about such a thing? They are my mommy marks. Proof of what I’ve overcome to make it this far with my little one. Don’t get me wrong.. I still constantly use creams and lotions on my belly.. but I am not depressed about it. I can worry about my body later. For now, I just want to get this baby into the world safe and sound. I worked so hard at this.. I refuse to let such a silly thing get to me. I have included some pictures of myself. The first one is pre pregnancy, I was about 125 pounds there. The second is me at 21 weeks, the third is at 25 weeks, and the last is at 30 weeks. Thanks for listening!!

Your Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births:3 pregnancies, currently 31 weeks

Updated here.

Learning to Love It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age-21
Pregnancies and Births- 1
Months PP- 5 months postpartum

I have ALWAYS wanted to have kids. So when I married my husband, I knew someday they would follow. We figured 4 or 5 years, so I was on birth control. 4 months after we got married, I felt pregnant, took a HPT and all 5 of them read positive (like 1 wouldnt have told me). At first I was so excited, I wanted to have my baby bump right away, alas, I was about 25 weeks before you could tell I was pregnant. I had a great pregnancy, light morning sickness, one small stretch mark on my hip, and I made it a goal to exercise and eat right, gaining 20 lbs, starting at 130 lbs and 150 lbs the day I delivered. But I didnt enjoy my pregnancy like I should have. I was so concerned about gaining too much weight and not being able to lose it later. I went into labor on my due date, labor lasted 11 hours from start to finish with 3 hours of pushing, I had my baby girl vaginally with slight tearing of my labia. I never imagined I could love someone so much, I wouldnt trade her for anything even my prebaby body. But I am having such a hard time accepting my new body. My husband is so supportive, he says he likes this body better. I weigh in at 128 now and fit into prepreg cloths, but my tummy seems jiggly and my boobs stretched overnight when my milk came in so they are bigger and stretchies show on their sides. However I do LoVe breastfeeding! I am trying to get back into exercising and eating right but its so hard to find time with my 5 month old demanding my attention, and I’m always hungry from breastfeeding. I hope to loose some tummy fat and tone up all over before we try for our next in about 2 years (we’ll see if we make it that far on my new birth control) Recently I realized that, hey, my body is amazing! It accepted a pregnancy, carried it to term, delievering a healthy beautiful baby, and recovered while still nurishing that baby. I shouldnt be so hard on it after all. I hate what supermodels have done to us. They are not the norm, and why are their bodies what we ladies want to have? Anyway, this site has done wonders for helping to come to terms, and I want to maybe help another women struggling with her body too. Heres to us mamas! :)

First Pic- 35 weeks pregnant
Second pic- 1 week postpartum
Third pic- Side 5 months pp
Fourth pic- Stretch mark side 5 months pp
Fifth pic- Front View

Updated here.

Why Can’t I Love My Body? (Ileana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

I am a 21 year old mother of 3. I got pregnant at the age of 15 and had a wonderful little boy when i turned 19 i had my second little boy and at the age of 21 I had my little girl. Last year i met the love of my life it was love at first sight, he is a wonderful man, he is my hero. My husband is in the United States Navy, he is 23 years old. He is such a wonderful man, he accepted my two boys into his life like if they where a piece missing from a puzzle and he has loved us unconditionaly.But now I feel that he deserves much Better than me even though he tells me im beautiful and just perfect the way I am, I just don’t feel the same way he does. My whole life I have had body issues even when i was younger and now that I had my little girl I look at pictures of when i was younger and i think to myself how dumb I was for not liking what i saw! Now that i see myself I just see imperfections everywhere I am 8 weeks post partum and i hate what i see in the mirror. My stomach is full of stretch marks and my belly is just so big I try to stay positive but I just look big all around. I love my children and i would not change any of the decisions that i have made. And even though each pregnacy has changed my body I would have them all over again. But I just wish I could love myself (my body) as much as i love them. Everyone tells me i look great for 8 weeks post partum but I just don’t see what they see. How could I love myself more?

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Learning to Love the Body I’ve Gained (Gwen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Pregnancies: 1
Births: 1 beautiful boy!
Postpartum: 19 months

I submitted an entry a number of months ago but never saved the link to it, so my pics from around 12 months PP are lost somewhere. The pictures I submitted were before I gave up pumping through my work day, which I did at 12 months PP. We are still nursing, but I no longer send him to daycare with breast milk. As soon as I stopped pumping around-the-clock, I was able to shed about 10 pounds.

Like a lot of women, I spent my teens years ignoring the beauty of my body and cultivated a poor self image, relying on the images of “beauty” that the media and world fed to me. And let’s face it: Those images are rarely attainable, often fake, and sometimes not even really that beautiful. We are just told “this is what beauty is”.

I spent my pregnancy LOVING my body. For the first time in my life. As my belly grew I felt love and gratitude and acceptance for how I widened and stretched and changed. Even when I discovered stretch marks forming on the underside of me, just barely out of eyes reach, I accepted that this was the change my body would have to give my my little son. Truthfully; the stretch marks were my worst fear. My mother (having had 2 children), escaped without a mark! I vainly and foolishly thought that I would be as lucky. Ironically, both my sister and I have stretch marks from our pregnancies (mine are a bit worse than hers, but have faded over my PP time).

When my son was delivered, I had the same “deflated, squishy, and awful” stomach that women often experience, and was equally as disappointed to discover that even though I breastfed, my weight didn’t melt off me like I read it would, or heard from other mothers that it would. I was sorely dissapointed in that fact. It struck me that all the years in my youth with my beautiful firm, and young unmarked body how I criticized my every “flaw”. And that “flaw” that I wrought myself so much over wasn’t because of my body being ugly, or fat, or un-beautiful, it was my mind and my self image that was the true problem.

After a son, and about 60 pounds in pregancy weight gain, I am the smallest and fittest I have been in 3 years (since the conception of my son). I am not perfect, I am stretched large, and made thinner again as all mothers are, but I am beautiful for what I am, and what I have. And without this change in my body, could never have had the blessing of my son in my life. For that, I would sacrifice any of my looks or my shape.

This site has shown me bauty in every mother, and helped me to see my own beauty as a mother. It’s helped me to see how much the world impacts a womans concept of her own personal beauty, and how her body had to change to give her children and become a mother. It saddens me to see so many stunning and shapely women feel so poorly about their beauty and how nature created them (and trully: There are some AMAZINGLY stunning bodies of mothers. BOTH before AND afterward!)

Never doubt that as a woman; you are ALL beautiful! You are the gift of graciousness for bringing forward new lives, and nurturing the children that will become our caregivers, and friends, and companions. Even though we suffer pain in delivery, in accepting our own personal change, and the vast challenges of motherhood and marriages with children, nothing changes the fact that even though our beauty changes shape, it does not make it any less marvelous and lovely!

Thank you everyone for your support and bravery to each other by sharing your stories!

~1st photo: 19 months pp (and my little son trying to figure out “what Mommy is doing” -haha!
~2nd photo: What I look like with clothes on
~3rd photo: My beautiful little son grey, who is my little blessing!

Who am I? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age 26
2 pregnancy’s, 2 boys

I’ve been on this site alot over the last year or so and have never done an entry. I love this site it has helped me out through some bad days, today is one of those days, and I finally decided to send this in.
I met my husband when I was 17 we got engaged 9 months later…. just after my graduation, we moved in together in a new city thinking I was going to go to college, nope…….I have always suffered from self – esteem issues since a little girl and a little bit of deppression and when we moved it came out stronger. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, my friends were doing there own things and I was stuck. We got married a year later like planned and got pregnant when I was 20 I had our first baby boy at 21, pre-babe I was 5.9 and 130 pounds (looking at pictures of me back then I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself) after babe 193 lbs. and stretch marks from armpits to calves along with cellulite. I had spotting at the beginning of pregnancy due to blood type factors and it scared me out of doing my pilates which I loved to do. I got postpardum depression immediately with my first and from lack of bonding with my baby my therapist figures thats why we don’t get along so great :( A few months after our first I stood in front of my husband naked and asked him to tell me the truth (not knowing the truth is not what I was expecting) and asked if he thought I was as attractive as I used to be…….He said “no”. Almost 5 years later I am still having major troubles with it, I can’t get naked in front of him, I can’t wear a bathing suit (beaches and sunbathing being what I used to love) and I cry almost every time I look in the mirror. My husband tries saying that he doesnt know why he said no but that I look as good as I used too. Too late its always up there now. It took along time to want another baby after that. 3 yrs and 5 months later we had our second son this time the post pardum depression waited a couple months then came on strong, 16 months later I still am having a rough time. If my husband didnt find me as attractive after the first what about now at 217lbs. between the depression, anti-depressants and pregnancy the weight just keeps going up. I have no close friends and after my second baby I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes couldnt leave the house. Its made it hard to meet people and continue a normal life, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore, no friends, family who I feel, feel obligated to help out, a husband I feel I cant trust anymore and fight with constantly and rarely have sex or feel wanted ( I know its half my fault) , I feel like a horrible, lazy mom. Some days I wonder if I was really meant to be a mom. I love my husband and Kids so much, but it just feels like way to much most of the time right now. I feel lost and I dont know where to turn. Thanks again for this site, it does help…..keep the posts coming.

Young and Free (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

It’s hard some times to look around at the girls my age. This summer most are still following the latest fashion trends, wearing bikinis, and sporting tans. I was 18 when I got married, and had my first child a year later. Now I’m 21 with two kids. This is a beautiful thing. I don’t fit in low rise jeans, the cute bras at target don’t come in my size, but I regret none of this! My two beautiful kids were grown, nourished, and brought into this world by this body. This is a beautiful thing. I’m a mother, a wife, a baker, a seamstress, a photographer, a twenty-something. I may not get to go to the movies on Friday nights, but I know what I’m capable of. This should be no secret, this is a beautiful thing.

21, two pregnancies. Children are 27 months and 7 months.

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Do I have Postpartum depression? (Autumn W)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Question, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 25 Comments

Age- 30
Number of Pregnancies – 2
Number of Births- 2
Daughters- 8 years and 2 months

I have always been told that if you have postpartum depression, you feel resentment towards your baby but I do not resent my baby in any way what-so-ever! I love and adore her but I hate myself!
After the birth of my first daughter I immediately lost weight and I didn’t have any of the thoughts or feelings I am experiencing this time. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror and I feel like no one understands. I wake up every morning and cry and I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the way I feel and he just tells me he loves me no matter how I look. I want so badly to be beautiful because I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he is ashamed of the way I look and no matter how often he says he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, I am convinced he is lying. I wonder how anyone could be in love with me now? I have always been very thin and considered attractive and now out of no where I feel like I am hideous. Recently my husband tried to introduce me to a few of his co-workers but I literally ran and hid because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I am completely convinced that he married me because of my physical appearance and now that it has faded he cant possibly love me anymore. I am also convinced he is going to cheat on me because he HAS to be disgusted by the way I look and I know I am not good enough for him. One of my best friends recently told me that I am ruining the experience of having a wonderful husband and beautiful family by focusing so much on my appearance and although a part of me knows she is right it doesn’t help me because she is gorgeous and doesn’t have any children so how would she know what I am experiencing. I literally hate myself now and It’s not really even about me, it’s all about my husband and how I am completely convinced I am no longer good enough for him… Is this postpartum depression???

I Don’t Think I Will Ever Come to Love this Body (Carrie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies and 3 births.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 1/2 year old daughter, 4 year old daughter, and 2 year old son.

So, where do I start? I found out I was pregnant at the very young age of 15. I was not dating her dad and he went active duty Army, so he got stationed in Colorado. Far from our hometown in Indiana. I felt like, great.. he’s getting off easy. He then found out he was deploying and we decided to try and make this work. This was in 2003. Our daughter was born on Christmas Day that year. I was then 16. He came home from deployment when our daughter was 4 months old, that is when he first saw her. We decided that I would move to Colorado with him, even though I was only 16. My mom protested, but it happened anyway. We married on my 17th birthday in 2004.

When I was 18, my husband deployed again. We found out we were pregnant again just 3 days after he left. He came home when I was 7 months pregnant. We had another baby girl in May of 2006. 2 weeks after her birth, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Then, a week later we had to move across the country to North Carolina. With a toddler, and a baby not even a month old, and just having surgery, the move was no fun at all.

Fast forward 2 more years later, and another move down to Georgia, we were finally pregnant with our son. This pregnancy, my stomach grew larger than before, but still I delivered at a weight of 157. That was my ending weight with all 3 of my pregnancies. Well, the 2 times before I stayed around the low 140’s after having my children, not this time! I EBF for the first 2 months, found out I wasn’t producing NEALY enough milk, so I had to switch to bottle feeding. My milk dried up IMMEDIATELY! It made me very sad, which I read is very common. Anyway, to the point.. After my son was around 9 months, I had gained 20 pounds! I was then 175 lbs! The heaviest I have ever been in my whole life, even being pregnant! I then found out I have a hypothyroid. Which explained my low metabolism, no energy, not being able to sleep, mood swings… and the list goes on. I thought, great! now I will finally be able to get something done with the medication! WRONG! The medication didn’t help me at all. My doctors don’t seem to care, either. So, here I am. My son is 2 years old. I now weigh 167 and that is AFTER taking Adipex for 7 months straight! How can that be? And I work out a good amount. I am trying the P90X to no avail. I can’t help but be depressed! I would be happy if I could just fit into my clothes right. Where I could get dressed and not stare in the mirror at how horrible I look. I am at a loss at what to do now. I have even had thoughts of trying to be bulimic or anorexic. Which lucky for me, have only been thoughts. I know I could not EVER do that!

So, with this. I hope that my story relates to at least 1 person. I wish I could say I am becoming closer to accepting my body, but I know that is a lie. I absolutely hate my body and know I will until I at least lose 25-30 lbs. I wish I could wake up 1 day and have my energy, motivation, or just plain out not be tired all the time! Oh, and yes.. I am still married to my wonderful husband. It has been over 6 years now, and I see many more years in the future.

PICTURES:
1ST AND 2ND – ME PRE PREGNANCY DAYS WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT
3RD – 4 DAYS BEFORE I DELIVERED MY SON
4TH, 5TH AND 6TH – ME TODAY