Submissions

My Doctor Makes Me Feel Bad (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Pregnant, Submissions 37 Comments

Age: 27
# pregnancies and births: 1/1
34 weeks pregnant

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first child, a boy. Ive struggled with my weight throughout my entire life except for a brief time in college. Before I got pregnant I was 5’7″ and 200lbs. I had recently had to switch OB/GYN providers because my old OB/GYN PCSed (my husband is in the military so I’m seen at a military facility) to a new area. My past few appointments have been nothing short of horrible with my new provider. I dread going to my appointment because I know that my weight is going to the be the main topic of discussion. Ive put on 32 pounds since I found out I was pregnant, which apparently is too much according to my new provider. According to her I should have only gained 15 pounds. Despite my “excessive weight gain”, my blood pressure is normal, I tested negative for gestational diabetes, and my baby is perfectly healthy and of a normal size. Like I said before, Ive struggled with my weight my entire life. I have old stretch marks from all of the weight I gained as a child. Now that I’m pregnant I have new ones in addition to the older ones. The first time that I saw her I noticed that she looked disapprovingly at my stretch marks, but didnt comment. She didnt have to comment though, the look on her face said everything. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but yet I’m re-living the nightmares of my overweight childhood, adolescent, and teen years. I’m an RN so I know what constitutes healthy and non-healthy foods as well as what it means to be “healthy”. I’ve worked with physcians like her throughout my career who seem to have the bedside manner of roadkill. I know that I shouldnt let the comments and disapproving looks get me so down, however I cant seem to shake them. My husband hasnt been able to come with me to my last few appointments due to military duty requirements so Ive had to endure this “harrassment” on my own. Ive literally been in tears after my last few appointments. I just wish that this physician could see beyond the number on the scale and recognize that I am in fact healthy despite my weight, but I honestly dont think that will happen. I’m looking forward to the day that little man finally gets here and I dont have to endure the negative banter and feelings of worthlessness this physician instills in me at every visit. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks and somehow she expects me to only gain 1 pound in bewteen then and now. HA!

It’s Not Luck (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

age: 22
2 pregnancies/2births
23 months and 4 weeks

Hi. My name is Ashley and I’m 22 with 2 beautiful girls. Before I got pregnant with my first daughter I was working out regularly and at my heaviest (in my life) had weighed 145 at 5’5. I was closer to 140 when I got pregnant and only gained 28lbs. My weight gain wasn’t really by my choice. I was very sick in the beginning and ended up losing 10lbs first. I bounced back fairly quickly (weight wise) but knew my body would never be the same. I had some stretch marks but nothing crazy. It only took me a couple months to get back to my weight of 140 but I looked bigger thanks to skin. Shortly after my first daughters 1st birthday I had to have my appendix removed and was shocked when I was told I was back at 160! I vowed then and there to lose the weight and NEVER be that heavy again if I wasn’t pregnant. A month and a half later I was still 160 and found out I was pregnant with my second. I dreaded how big I’d get. I was terrified of being bigger than I was with my first (168). By 20 weeks, I had lost so much weight from being extremely sick (throwing up about 3 times a day, every day) that I was only 145lbs. I didn’t want to eat after how sick I’d been. I was forcing myself to eat half a meal and then feeling sick. People kept telling me how great I looked and how small I was and all I wanted to do was say “yeh but at what cost?” The day before my daughter was born I weighed 166, putting me at a 6lb weight gain. She weighed 9lbs 4ozs. I came home just over 150. Now at 4 weeks pp, I am 145. People keep telling me how great I’ve done with the weight loss and commenting on how fast I bounced back. Everytime they say anything I want to say “Yeh, but I couldn’t eat without getting sick for 12 weeks. I’d rather be bigger.” It’s not luck that I’m thin I’m not thrilled with how I look but I’m not ashamed. I love my girls and my body is a testiment to what I’d do for them. Everytime I look down and see my stretchmarks, I smile, because it reminds me of when my girls that I love so much.

Pics- 40weeks pregnant, 2days pp, and 4weeks pp

Update – I Had My Baby! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 7 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 1/2 weeks postpartum

My previous entry is here – Since then, I’ve had my baby! The day that I turned 36 weeks my water broke. It was about 6 am. We had gotten to the hospital within 10 minutes since we knew that my cerclage would need to come out. My doctor came in and immediatly got set up to remove the stitch. This is a procedure that is usually not painful at all, but sadly, for me it was. The doctor tried and tried but the stitch was embedded into my cervix and the pain was excrutiating. The doctor gave up and it was off to the OR for a C section. My baby was born on September 28, 2010 at 10 am. He weighed 6 lb 4 oz and was 18 1/4 inches long. He is a good size for preemie! We had a 5 day hospital stay because of the C section and the baby was a bit jaundice. He is home now though and is doing great! I truley love him more than anything in the world. I am breastfeeding and it’s really been rough on me but I am doing my best and baby is gaining weight! It’s been two and a half weeks postpartum and I’ve gone from 152 pounds down to about 130. I am almost at my prepregnancy weight but my stomach is still flabby with stretch marks. I have that stupid little flab that hangs over the C section scar. Oh well.. it was all worth it for my little man. I have lots of pictures here for ya :) The first is my last pregnancy photo at 35 weeks.. I was huge!, the next is my boyfriend holding our little boy after my C section, the next is my first look at my little guy.. so in love!, next is my little guy!, then it’s me about 2 1/2 weeks postpartum, and then a picture of my lovely stretch marks!, and last is a picture of me and my little man. Thanks for reading! :)

Your First Home (Proudmama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Update 23 Comments

Previous entry here.

I didn’t intend on updating so soon, but something happened that I wanted to share.

First of all I come here regularly because I feel like I’m a part of something when I read your stories. Some of your stories I relate to more than others, some stories make me want to cry because I either want to reach through the computer and hug you or because I can’t believe how beautiful you are, and if you don’t like your body, what would you think of mine…

It’s been a tough couple of months on a lot of different levels and I feel that although I’m still losing weight and inches, it only makes my skin sag and “hang” more. But I do feel healthier so that’s gotta count for something.

But here’s what I wanted to share with you, to reminds all of us of what really matters.

The other day I was sitting on the floor and playing with my daughter (who will already turn 1 year old very soon and is starting to walk) and I found myself wanting to cry at the sight of the roll of belly fat hanging in front of me. I was pinching the skin and moving it around distractingly. My daughter walked over and kneeled down next to me and put her little hand on my belly and she pat it lovingly. I looked up into those big blue eyes and that big gap toothed grin of hers and I did find myself crying, but not of sadness. I couldn’t believe that almost a year ago, this little girl was resting inside of me, kicking her little heels eager to come out. And now there she was, walking and smiling and caressing my belly from the outside.

That night I opened the baby book that I’d been too busy to pay attention to and found the section titled Your First Home. There I pasted three pictures, one of before I got pregnant, one of my big pregnant belly and the third one of my belly in its current state, and underneath I started writing:

“The first picture is of Your First Home before you moved in. It’s like a brand new house with new furniture that still has the paint and new carpet smell. Sure it looks good but you’re afraid to touch anything for fear of breaking something and it doesn’t feel like you home.

The second picture represents all those years you spent in that house, molding it to your liking making changes, building memories. Sometimes it gets cluttered and messy and crowded and it might have lost that brand new house appeal but it smells homely and it’s comforting.

That last picture is like a beloved house after you’ve decided to move out because it doesn’t suit your needs anymore. You say goodbye to it with a heavy heart but you know that you need to move on. Who knows, it might just suit somebody else one day. Before you leave though, you take a good look at it. A brand new house it isn’t anymore. The paint is chipping, the carpets are dirty. To a casual by-stander it might not look that great, but you know better. That house is beautiful to you because it has been lived in. Laughter has echoed in its wall, maybe some tears have been shed too, but mostly it’s Love that you can feel in its foundation.

My dear daughter, when I look at this belly that was you very first home, I smile. Every line, every wrinkle, every mark is there because you decided to choose me to be your mommy. Maybe one day I will give you a brother or a sister and they too will leave their own personal story on my belly. And I hope that one day, if you so desire, you will be blessed with a baby of your own and that you too will have the privilege of becoming someone’s First Home.”

Your bellies might be scared, deformed and wrinkled but they were your precious children’s first home and that’s something to be thankful for. It doesn’t make everything better I know, but it puts things in perspective.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Peace to you and yours

~Proudmama

Pictures are 11.5 months postpartum.

Updated here and here.

Stretch Marks 101 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Number of pregnancies – 1
Pre preg weight – 118
Height – 5 7
Ending weight – 160
post preg – one year and a month

I have payed soooo much money to get rid of the hideous stretchmarks. Im talking thousands. no FRACTIONAL laser has worked for me…. trust me im living proof ive done 9 or 10 treatments. chem peels.. cremes you name it! I am currently flying to california to try this laser that was shown on dr oz. Its a erbium laser used by dr ourian. My marks are very extreme and everywhere from bottom, inside thighs, breast, stomach, flanks and hips. EVERYWHERE. note – these use to be very crater like but they have gotten better. I lost all weight with exercise but the marks haunt me .. I cannot wear a bathing suit. im constantly looking at them to see if they are better then yesterday. I think about them everyday. I never look at myself naked in the mirrior. I know it will just put me in a bad mood. Ill post pics after three more treatments with this laser. It has done improvements I dont currently have any before pics but here are some currently and ill post some more after I finish three more treatments.

BTW – sally henson bought at cvs . walgreens spray on panty hose stuff is miracle worker! get your color and spray in palm and RUB! rub rub rub and it looks covers lotttttts of the flaws =) makes me feel good anyways

My Husband Kissed My Stretch Marks (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

20 yrs old
39 weeks and 6 days pregnant

I have been looking at this site for a few months now, and I am so thankful for it. I keep seeing these women who look like models (probably because they are models), celebrities, or just everyday women who don’t have physical changes from pregnancy and walk out of the hospital practically uncased. When I came to this site I saw real women go through real pregnancies and have real postpartum changes and recoveries. These women admit their fears and self-consciousness.

In many of the stories I have read (and commented on), I have discovered that I am not the only one who might not feel comfortable in maternity lingerie. Many women say that they do not like their changing bodies and will not even take their clothes off without the lights shut off. They are afraid that their significant other finds them repulsive and can’t understand how they could possibly be found attractive, beautiful, or sexy. I am one of those women sometimes. I was very lucky that I did not have ANY stretch marks… until a week ago. Out of nowhere they just turned up around my belly button and sprouted limbs. They are growing every day now! Bad ones, too. I’ve also had PUPP for a while now, and I am extremely uncomfortable (and ashamed at times) of my “fat packs” that I have accumulated.

I have been afraid of what my husband thinks of my pregnant body, and even more afraid of what he will think of my pp body. Today was the first day that he saw my stretch marks. I had unconsciously lifted up my shirt while sitting on the couch (in between laundry cycles… nesting?) to check on my marks. I didn’t even think about the fact that my husband was sitting right beside me until he said “Are those your stretch marks?”. (He had heard me complaining about them to my mom a few days ago.) I felt so stupid and embarrassed for carelessly exposing my belly and thoughts were going through my mind about what he could possibly be thinking. Then he touched them lovingly, said “Aw baby, those aren’t bad at all,” and kissed them lovingly. It was almost like he understood completely what they meant. That they were just as much a production of our love as out little girl growing inside me. I almost cried. Especially since I had been so cranky the past couple of days. Then he just turned back to what he was watching like nothing special had occurred.

I just wanted to write this for women like me who can’t understand that they are beautiful and that their partners still have the same feeling if not stronger. We were married young and I became pregnant very early on at a very hectic time for us. I have been a bit mournful over my 20 yr old body already changed forever. But our little girl (due TOMORROW) and things like that make it all worth the loss.

Motherhood Shaped Me (Joni E.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

~Age: 36 years old
~Pregnancies: 5 pregnancies/4 living children (one fetal demise at 21 weeks)
~Childrens ages: 15, 12, 10 and 5 weeks

Highest non-pregnant weight: 183
Weight 3 months prior to pregnancy (lowest adult weight): 125 (I put on 20 lbs before becoming pregnant at my husbands request)
Weight just prior to pregnancy: 144
Weight at time of delivery: 195
Weight now: 167

My story begins 16+ years ago with the loss of my first precious baby. I had difficulty becoming pregnant and was devastated when I lost the pregnancy at 21 weeks. I always appreciated my body and was thrilled when I became pregnant again. I was surprised when my doctor mentioned my stretchmarks being so bad. The grew and grew until they reached the top of my belly. After my daughter was born I was alarmed at the way my body looked. I didn’t recognize my belly anymore. My breast were large and sagging but I was so grateful to have her I didn’t care. I eventually began to realize and then somewhat resent that I couldn’t get my pre-pregnant body back.

Fast forward 4 years and 2 more children. Once the children were older and I had more time to focus on myself I began to really be critical of my body. I was going to school full time to become a RN and working as well. I was eating poorly and not exercising. I was unhappy with myself and my life. Once I graduated nursing school I weighed the most I’d ever weighed at 183. I lost 60 pounds and began marathon training and working out in excess. I was pushing myself to the limit, at one point even breaking my leg and continuing to run despite the pain. I was very proud of my new physique, yet when I looked in the mirror I could see flaw after flaw. Before my breasts were saggy, now they were small. Before my tummy was fat, now wrinkled. I took a step back to evaluate my life and realized the answer was not to be found on the scale or in the gym but in myself.

I changed my life completely. I separated from my husband and then reunited with a man I had known since 6th grade. We fell very deeply in love and quickly began a relationship. We decided to have a baby. He requested that I gain weight prior to becoming pregnant as he felt I was too thin. I had to agree. We became pregnant very quickly and enjoyed my pregnancy. He loved my pregnant body. I gained 50 pounds during the pregnancy. I’d occasionally fear the weight I’d have to lose after the birth but I enjoyed my body and what it was doing in a way I never had before. He and I decided to have our baby at home, something I had wanted to do with my 3 previous births but did not have a supportive spouse to help make that possible. I gave birth in a birth tub in our kitchen, surrounded by people I loved. It was the best day of my life. Ella weighed a huge, healthy 10 lbs and 6 oz. Her birth empowered me in a way I had never felt empowered before. I felt strong, capable and beautiful (her long birth story can be found here).

Now 5 weeks after her birth I love this sweet baby more than I can describe. And I respect my body in a whole new way but I don’t recognize it in the mirror. I have huge 38DD breasts again and my tummy is back to looking like it did when I had my third baby (10 years ago). I worked so incredibly hard for the shape I had before I became pregnant with Ella, to the point of obsession. It was difficult to admit that my happiness did not depend on if I wore a size 14 (my current size) or a size 4. But yet in these first weeks PP I told my husband I felt like I needed to look like I did before this birth because if I did not it was like false advertising. After all, he didn’t marry 167 pound me. What he said really made me pause to appreciate myself: He said, ” I wish when you looked at yourself you could see what I see. You are so sexy. You are beautiful. Inside and out. I love your body. It made our baby. I love you and just want you to love yourself too.” And I believe him and I do love myself.

We are so pressured by society to look a certain way. We’ve been conditioned to believe that beauty is skin deep. We feel like if we were a certain size or weight we’d be happy. We feel like we need to have plastic surgery to get “back to the way we were” before having babies. Fix our breasts. Fix our bellies. Fix ourselves. When we are not in fact broken. What we should be doing is celebrating and appreciating the amazing things are bodies do to make our babies and that we can make babies at all!

I’m so proud of all the women on SOAM willing to bare their bodies and souls for the sake of truth and beauty.

Photos included:
1. Pre-pregnancy after losing 50 pounds on WW (me in the stripes, my baby sister in the hearts)
2. at 37 weeks pregnant with my husband
3. smiling in labor at 40 weeks 5 days (tie dye sarong)
4. Us at our wedding (me 36 weeks pregnant)
5. Ella at 3 weeks
6/7/8. me now 5 weeks PP front/back/side

Tied to the Past (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

I’ve only had one child,only one, she may be the most amazing little girl I’ve ever seen but where did I go?

I gained 40 lb.s with her birth and then kept gaining after that. Her father and I split up when she was a year old and then I became a new to school, freshly back to work, single mom at 21! She’s grown and blossomed and become such a beautiful big girl now. I’ve withered and hated myself sooo much for every year she’s loved herself. The depression and the agony just made the over eating worse. So I got the lap band and did really well for awhile,for awhile.

Then the depression came back in and ate me up inside and I kept eating,stopped exercising.

Excuses,excuses,always, what a weakling I am. I cannot look at my naked body in the mirror without crying. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A 25 YEAR OLD!!

I see older women at work all the time who have paid in the their bodies for their many children and I cry. Why am I at that stage when I am ONLY 25? I have ONLY had one child. I cannot let my boyfriend see me naked with the lights on, I cannot let my daughter see me in the shower. I disgust myself and I’m so tired of hating who I am.

I Was Afraid (Susan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

I Was Afraid, Susan
Age: 36
Pregnancies: 6
Births: 3
Children: Nicholas 7, Ella 5, Jack 3

I took these pictures for my blog. I took them to show the world, well the blog world, my post babies belly. I contemplated for literally an hour. I should, I shouldn’t. Ok I am, no no I can’t. Ultimately I was unable to share the pictures because I felt ashamed of my body. I had 3 miscarriages before finally conceiving and delivering my first baby. As all moms who have had trouble conceiving or staying pregnant know, this was not a happy time in life. So what did do to make myself feel better? I ate. 4 years and 3 breastfed babies, and one cesarean later my body had seen better days. I decided to take my body back for myself, after all there would be no more babies. My body was my own again and I deserved to treat it right. I have been consistently working out for over 2.5 years yet I’m still ashamed of my body. I don’t have stretch marks and no one sees my scar but I am still striving for that airbrushed look. When I saw this forum to show my pictures I figured why not. It’s me, it’s real and it’s the only body I’ve got. I better learn to love it.

The Nonexistant Dating and Sex Life of a Single Mom (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 31 Comments

Age: 23
Pregnancies: 1
Births:1
My Daughters Age: 3

I had my daughter at the age of 19 a month away from my 20th so I guess I should say I had her as a “Teen”

Her dad and my relationship was a rocky one but I stuck it out because I didn’t want my daughter growing up without her dad, we where together for about 4yrs. I endured a lot of verbal abuse Until…I found out almost a year ago today her dad had a secret relationship throughout ours with his sisters best friend which was also a friend of mines. They now live together in our old home while am back cramped sleeping on the floor at my mothers.

He is very much a part of his daughter’s life & a loving dad. We get along here and there but its mostly just 4 the baby. There’s not an actual friendship. He has told me numerous of times “he wishes I would die so he can have custody of his daughter and live a happy family with his girlfriend”

What I endured with him seems to have soaked in my brain and friends say I am carrying that pain although am not with him anymore. When we will get into arguments the first things he would say where how “Nasty my saggy breast, cellulite legs, acne face & stretch marked stomach where”. He would also say “no one will ever want me” to the point I couldn’t even look in a mirror and think i looked pretty.

Our sex life pretty much sucked i always thought it was him because he never cared to please me it was just bend over or give me “H**d” but all the while it was because he was getting it elsewhere and thought how nasty my body was.

I haven’t as much as dated ONE person in the past year not because I don’t want to because no one seems to be interested in me after I had my daughter. I go out with friends constantly but no one seems to hit on me the times i have tried to step out of my comfort zone & approach someone I am shutdown or never called back even if they don’t know I am a mother (being that women with kids sometimes scare a man off)

Before I had my daughter i would be scared to walk the streets alone because I would constantly be harassed and told how beautiful I was. NOW I don’t get as much as a head turn.

As much as i want to start dating again it hits me one day or another we will have to sleep together and although my daughters dads constant rants of how nasty my body is plays a part in how i feel I can’t help to agree I HAVE A MIRROR i see all that he pointed out.

I am so lonely and just have shut myself out from life. I am only 23 and shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I don’t regret my daughter and the body I have after her, i just wish i can take back the person i had her with because one thing I noticed from a lot of the posts where how many of you have supporting husbands to tell them how beautiful they where.

I just want to be comfortable in my own skin one day

When I look at some girls that complain about their bodies I can understand where they come from but is still not as bad as me, like ok yeah your boobs are saggy but you can wear shorts! Yeah you have cellulite but you can wear a tube top without a bra or yeah you have a little stretch marks but at least you’re inner thighs are not filled with dark parks and constant boils. I can’t do any of these

As much as I wish i can go back to my old days my 3 year old is WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT. It’s just very lonely when its 8pm and she’s a sleep on a Saturday night. In the mist of my ranting she has awoken and I even forgot what I was going on about! & that’s why she makes it worthwhile.

(In the pictures I posted b4 baby and after baby. The grey marks are from holistic treatment strips I removed b4 picture for weight loss which have not worked )

I hope someone out there can relate to my post as well as my body