Submissions

Irish twins and a body that will never be the same (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 24
Number of Pregnancies: 2, Births 2

I have always been very skinny, being a gymnast I basically lived in a gym. I did gymnastics in college, which is were I met my husband. I got pregnant with my first child my jr year of college. She was a surprise as I had an IUD (copper), My body rejected it and I had to get it removed. I found out a month later I was 6 weeks pregnant with my peanut. I had a very stressful pregnancy, my husband was in the middle of a messy divorce, I was trying to finish school, and working. The pregnancy was very hard on my body, I was so sick the first three months I vowed to never have another child again. Before I got pregnant I was 118 pounds at 5’6 inches tall. I gained 54 pounds with my daughter most of which was water. I didn’t get a single stretch mark till after I had her, in a matter of a few days about 5 to be exact I lost 40 pounds my stomach shrank to quickly that I got shrink marks. ( as my husband calls them) After I had my daughter I was in love, I had never felt that instant love with someone before. I could hold her and stair at her for hours, she was my baby, and I loved her.

When she was three months old, my husbands company got sold and he was laid off. Three weeks before he was laid off I found out I was pregnant again, even though I was on birth control. My family wanted me to get an abortion since I was in my senior year of college and he had lost his job. I made the appointment but couldn’t go through with it. I have always felt that God has a plan, and he never gives me anything I can not get through. Even though I went through alot. We ended up moving from NC, to NJ where he finally got a job. He moved 2 months before I did, because I had to finish up my last semester in college. I was so stressed out, caring for a baby, being pregnant, finishing up school, applying for grad schools, having to pack our whole house, and move us alone. It was a lot. When I got to NJ, I didn’t know anyone. It was Dec 1st and freezing. I quickly joined a gym, as I have always loved to work out. With my son I gained 30 pounds. My delivery was pretty funny. I actually kicked the doctor out of the room b/c he wanted to give me a C-section for his own selfish will. I had a baby 11 months prior I knew what I was doing. I’m not sure if anyone else has exspeanced NJ doctors, but they are not the brightest of the bunch. The doctors did not listen to me when I said I needed to push, they told me it was two soon and they just checked me I was only 5 CM and that he wasn’t ready yet. I yelled at the nurse and told her he was coming, she tried to prove me wrong by checking to tell me I was still only 5 cm, and his head was crowning. She told me not to push, b/c the doctor was getting an OR. When your baby is right at the end you can not, not push, it is physcially impossible. He was out two seconds later, I pulled him out and held him right away. He screamed and latched on to feed before he was even cleaned off. He was my baby boy.

After I had my son I was ready to get back in the gym, with my daughter I was able to work out 2 days after she was born, but I felt so sick and run down with an almost 1 year old, and a newborn. IT took about 2 weeks before I got back into the gym. I did and still do work out 2 hours a day, 6 to seven days a week. It is Me time. With two babies, two step children, a house, husband, and grad school, I need me time, or I will explode… I’m only 24, that is a lot to take on. My sisters have been angry with me for working out, they don’t understand the good feelings that I get from working out. I don’t drink, I don’t go out, I don’t party, or do anything that my friends my age do. Yet they think it would be more exseptable to drink everyday then to go to the gym. NOw I don’t workout for the satisfactory of looking good, I just really enjoy working out. It makes me feel great, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lost all my baby weight after about 3 months. Went back to a size zero, and started to look like my old self again. However, my boobs have dropped, they use to be “porn star” like according to my husband and they now look like tear drops. My stomach skin will never go away, when I bend over it makes a gross feeling flap. I have stretch marks on my stomach, which I have grown to love because they are my daughter, when she gets older I can tell her that they are for her. I hate that my body will never be the same. I know I look good for having two babies back to back, but i’m so use to a different body.

Two pics are me 40 weeks pregnant with my son
One pic is from when I was 6 months PP

Growth (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: 32
Number of pregnancies and births: Three pregnancies. Two births.
Number of Children: Two children. Ages 4.5 and 1.5
All photos have been taken 16 months after the birth of my second child.

I feel compelled to post here again because of how the site has grown.
Because of how I have evolved.
Because of how we-as women, as peers, as supporters of one another-have strengthened in mind and numbers.

My home is full of noise and I am full of pride.
My two beautiful children continue to teach me:

To slow down.
To listen.
To breathe.

I continue to tell myself to accept myself.
And I am. I am trying.

This thanksgiving may we all give thanks for the network we have created.
That we are creating.

Be kind to one another.
Fight for one another.
Love one another.

Love our children.
Love our children.
Love our children.

What Makes Me Valuable? (Ginni)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions

I’m much more superficial than I care to admit, even to myself. I’ve always talked a lot about how looks don’t matter, but it’s easy to say that when you’re skinny without even trying to be. When my husband and I started trying to have a baby, I was thrilled, but I secretly freaked out. I cried and had thoughts like, “I should have waited and had more fun before ruining my body.”

At some point I accepted that my body might never be the same. Immediately after giving birth, I was horrified by my body–my stomach felt like a deflated balloon, my bellybutton poked out, I couldn’t fit my rings onto my fingers. But I was also madly in love with my daughter and wondering how life could ever have existed without her. In the days after her birth, I told my husband, “If my body looks like this for the rest of my life, it will be so worth it to have her.”

Over the next few weeks, I was excited to find my body returning to normal. That was when I started hearing comments. Inevitably, it was “I hate you.” It’s always said in a meant-to-be-joking way, but with an undercurrent of truth. It hurts me more than it should and makes me feel like I don’t have a right to be insecure about the ways that my body HAS changed. My breasts are loose and saggy after a feeding and I know that’s how they’ll look when I’m done nursing. My old jeans give me a muffin top. I worry that when I get pregnant again in a year or two, my body won’t “bounce back” the way it did this time. Even more than that, it worries me that I care so much. I don’t want my happiness to be tied to what I think I “should” look like. And most importantly, I don’t want my sweet girl to learn from me that she has to look a certain way if she’s going to love herself.

Pictures: 37 weeks pregnant; 1 month postpartum; my daughter at 7 weeks

~Your Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1

Finally Coming to Terms with My Body (TMB)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

Growing up, I was always the skinny girl. As a teenager, I was 5’7″ and weighed 114 lbs. I never worked for it, I was just always skinny. I was a late bloomer so when I finally got curves and boobs, I loved wearing tight clothes and nothing made me happier than being able to wear a bikini. I got married to my high school boyfriend when I was 18 and when I was 21, we welcomed our first son. It was a fairly typical pregnancy and I didn’t get any stretch marks—until my ninth month. I was disappointed about that but after he was born, I slimmed down quickly and ended up being a size six, where as before I was a size four. Although I didn’t like the excess skin on my stomach or my slightly saggier boobs, I was thrilled with my new look. I finally looked like a woman; I had filled out a little bit and looked healthier. Then two years later, I had our second son. This pregnancy was a lot like my first, although my stomach got huge and I got even more stretch marks on there. After my second son was born, I assumed that I would slim down quickly like I did with my first pregnancy but no such luck. When I was still wearing maternity pants a month later, I went jeans shopping and was shocked when I fit into a size twelve. I cried and refused to buy any. But a month or so later, I couldn’t justify wearing maternity pants anymore and finally bought some in a size ten. It took over a year for me to get down to 134 lbs and a size eight, which is my current weight and size. For my height, that’s actually pretty healthy but I still hated my body. The sagging boobs bothered me but nothing bothered me more than my stomach. It was flabby, covered in stretch marks and I hated the way it stuck out when I sat down. It took my husband deploying and us having Skype “dates” for me to finally realize that my body isn’t horrible looking; it’s actually quite nice looking and I appreciate that it’s what brought my children into this world. I’ve begun to embrace my new shape and curves, stretch marks and all and although I have plans to improve it after I’m done having children, I no longer yearn for my pre-baby days and I can look at before pics of myself without feeling bad about how I look now. I still have bad days but they’re becoming less frequent. My husband is my biggest post baby fan; he loves my body and is forever telling me how sexy I look and for the first time since having my second son, I’m starting to see it too.

Age: 26
Number of Pregnancies and Births: 2
Age of My Children: 5 and 3, 3 years postpartum

Moving On (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update

Previous post here.

1 Vaginal Birth
1 Pregnancy
20 months PP
Age 22

After my first post, I wasn’t going to post again until after having a second child, to see where I was and how I felt about my body after having 2 children. But I feel like I need to share what has happened with me since posting at 5 months PP. My husband deployed when our daughter was 9 months old, and it was shortly after that, that I found out he was viewing/watching porn. Its impossible to explain the feelings of grief, of disbelief, of betrayal and of unbelievable hurt. I didnt believe it at first, thought it was a joke or I was seeing things wrong. The image of the naked blonde woman I found is forever burned in my head. I confronted him, and of course, this was all done via email as I had no other way to speak with him. He admitted that he had been struggling with it for years, and would look at it off and on. This was the man who was so romantic and loving while we dated, and promised to love me and cherish me at our wedding, how could he DO this to me! I wont deny that my first thought was I was done with him, I wanted to take my daughter and leave him. After weeks of being angry and hurt, I realized that I still loved him and really wanted to make our marriage work. I told him he needed to stop and stop and stop now, get help, find an accountability partner, install anti-porn software, anything to stop. Five months later he returned home from deployment and I was sure I would never be able to be intimate with him again. Our first night together he told me he was sorry, told me he had never cheated on me, other then with the porn viewing, and that he still loved me. We have been able to be intimate again, although sometimes I confess it is difficult for me. We went through some counseling and I installed a porn blocker on the computer, that only I know the password to. Some days I feel fine, like it was all a dream, like I have forgiven him and some days I am suspicious and still angry and hurt. I couldnt decide if it was better to know all the details or not, I didn’t know to what extent he was doing it and what he had seen. I would occasionally check his email, check his computer history and files, and I don’t feel guilty about that, he lost his right to privacy and to be trusted when he broke my heart. A few nights ago I came upon his google history, going back I could see that since I had confronted him he hadn’t googled anything porn related, but beyond that date, I found so many pictures and images and porn related searches. It made me want to vomit. I felt that he didnt truly understand the hurt I felt, that his looking at other women and lusting for them, was as good as cheating to me. I confronted him once again, which resulted in tears and a few more confessions. At this point I am still looking to make our marriage work, I’d like to have more children and am working on trusting and forgiving again. My body image is terrible. I have been breastfeeding now for 20 months and feel like my breast are small and deflated, my stomach isnt flat like I’d want it to be, my butt shrunk after pregnancy and is no longer round and perky, my legs are gross. I want to get over it, to love my body for giving me my daughter and being healthy but I know it isn’t like the airbrushed perfect women my husband has seen. I just want to get past this.

Updated here.

Trapped in a Vicious Cycle (Rachel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions 17 Comments

Growing up I was always a skinny kid. I could eat the fattiest, greasy or sugar laden food in excessive quantities and not gain a pound. When puberty hit, I was blessed even more with the genes from my father’s side of the family, and grew big full breasts. Of course with puberty, comes a bit of weight gain and at 5’4″ and 105lbs at 14 years old, I looked healthy. Or so I thought. Some of the other girls called me fat and chubby, I’m guessing because they didn’t develop as much as I did. But that didn’t stop me from becoming self conscious and eventually developing an eating disorder.

Years later, I finished growing, left high school and met who is now my ex fiance. I was 5’7″ and 105lbs once again. The relationship I managed to get myself into was emotionally abusive. He’d call me a whale, should keep my clothes on, he could do so much better.. But since I was so used to the insults growing up, I didn’t think it was anything unusual. I yo yo’d between 105 and 95lbs. When I discovered I was pregnant 4 years into the relationship, I was 5ft7 and 104lbs.

I gained 54lbs during the pregnancy. I hated myself. I figured if I was fat at 105lbs then I must be morbidly obese at 159lbs. I delivered a 7lb 9oz girl in October 2006. My body hasn’t been the same.

I have stretch marks all over my bum, breasts, thighs and calves. My stomach is flabby and I can’t lose the last 10lbs no matter what I do. My once firm perky breasts are now deflated and sad looking. I have cellulite that just won’t leave.

I’m now married to a very loving man who thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. He has been trying for the last 3 years to build up my confidence, and it’s so strange to me to have someone that compliments me everyday. I can tell it bothers him when I disagree with his compliments, or he tries to touch my belly or bum and I push him away and get upset.

I thought after 5 years I would have at least accepted myself. Instead, I’m trapped in a vicious cycle of self loathing and depression. Maybe one day confidence will come back to me.

I have attached pictures of my belly and breasts at 5 years post partum.

Baby Fever is Real (Serenity)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Complications in Pregnancy, Endometriosis, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

Picture 1 is me and baby #1 at 1 month
Picture 2 is me and baby #2 at 6 months
Picture 3 is me and both boys baby #2 is 1 wk (not a great picture, but one I am proud of)
and finally Picture 4 is an old family picture.

Good morning.

I am a mother of 2 wonderful little boys (2 and 4) I haven been pregnant twice, but lost a twin in my 2nd pregnancy. My first pregnancy could not have gone better, along with my delivery, my body knows how to make big healthy babies. I had a few complications during my 2nd pregnancy, started with the miscarriage(Moderate blood loss), then early labour at 25 wks, had an aneurism burst on my placenta at 30 wks (low-moderate blood loss), and then I was pre-eclamptic from 32 wks until 6 weeks post partum. The worst part was the blood pressure, but was able to control it with medication, and have no issues now (24.5 mnths pp)

Despite any complications, I took it in stride, and loved my pregnancy, I was told just a couple weeks ago that I handle pregnancy very well with minimal complaining.

I have always wanted to be a mom, I’ve known that since I was a small child, I took on the mother role for my 3 siblings very young, and I always wanted 4 children, and wanted to be finished having kids by 26. ( I am now 24)

I was diagnosed with endometrioses at 15, my mother also had it, started having symptoms at 24, and needed a hysterectomy by 34. With the amount of scar tissue being removed yearly, my doctor wasnt sure what the likelihood of healthy pregnancies would be. Menstruation was becoming a terrible experience. Like I said my first pregnancy couldnt have been better!! Delivered a 8lb 8oz baby naturally with 6 bearable hrs of labour, and 2 pushes. He was born Nov 07, and my period didnt return until Sept 08, it was wonderful. The periods I was having were irregular, and not overly uncomfortable, and then we got pregnant again the end of Jan/beginning of Feb 09, Gave birth to a healthy baby boy Oct 09, and period came back about April 10, and the last 3 months have been devastatingly painful again.

At the beginning of our relationship I was very upfront with my husband in letting him know I wanted 4 kids, and want to start tomorrow (i am lucky I’m not still single) and here we are 5 yrs later, arguing about #3. He all of a sudden has no interest in anymore children, and I am in a very tough place to be in. I want another baby, and am having physical “symptoms” I have been on the pill since Jan 2011, and was completely “dried up” in Feb. I have recently started lactating (after increasing the dose of the pill) I get emotional at the announcement of a new pregnancy, I am becoming bitter toward women who complain their husbands want more, and they’re done, and that is not the person I am. My uterus aches (literally) at the thought of pregnancy. I am fearful the longer we wait not only is it going to be harder on my youngest, but the new baby will be left out alot, since the first 2 are almost exactly 24 month part, and have an amazing bond. I still have all my baby stuff, and have even started purchasing baby girl items (Yes I know this is Crazy, and I question myself about it, and yes my husband knows) I am not one of those women who would consider “tricking” my husband into having another baby, I dont want him to resent me, or the new baby, but I really feel my clock ticking, and dont want to lose the opportunity to have another baby, because I am not sure I could forgive my husband for that.

If anyone reading this physically cannot have a baby I truly pray my post doesn’t offend you, I do truly love and cherish the 2 beautiful children I have, and of course would be happy if thats all I was given. But I am literally aching for another baby. I have done my best to project that to my husband, and just not sure what else to do.

Thanks everyone for listening, I dont have alot of people in my life to talk to openly, I am always having to guard myself, and filter my words.

4 Years Later… I Am Still Afraid of Showing My Body (Natalie G)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 1 Comment

Age 26
Number of pregnancies : 2 preg. 1 birth
Child: 4 years old. 48 months 1 week PP

Four years and 1 week ago (as of 11/08/11) I gave birth to the most amazing kid in the world. My son Jacob, who is the sweetest little boy ever, weighed in at 9lbs 11 oz and 21.5 inches long. He was 11 days early. I went to the dr on October 29 and I was at 80% effaced and 3 cm dilated. He was going to induce me on Monday November 5th. Apparently my little guy heard that and said NOPE! I am coming out in 2 1/2 days! I had a bloody show on Weds, Halloween, Oct 31, 2007. thought it wasnt much and dr’s assistant told me to roll on the exercise ball. So I went to the movies that night, with my mom and mother in law. We went to dinner first and then I started to have contractions. When we got out of the movies, my mom asked me how I was. I said, im having contractions. Her reaction… “you’re not in labor. We have been to the hospital 3 times for false labor! you’re fine!” So we went home at around 10:20. About 12:45 i went to the kitchen and had some pepsi. Went back upstairs and went back to bed. Around 2:16 I woke up to a huge POP! I thought maybe my bladder had exploded. I ran to the bathroom down the hall and grabbed my underwear. It was my water breaking! I yelled down the hall to my mom who didnt answer because she was asleep. Ran to her room, dripping all the way. “MoM! My water broke! Here’s my undies to prove it!” I called my husband as I got ready to go to the hospital. I said to him “hey im having your kid! get to the hospital!” (we were separated at the time) So we got in the van and I texted my best friend and called my mother in law (who would coach me thru the birth). We got to the hospital around 3:15 ish. I was 4 cm and 95% effaced. So then my husband showed up. I was having the worst back labor. My mom and my husband were making bets on the weight of the baby. Around 5 I had the epidural because the back pain was so bad and then my mom decided to go home and take a shower and nap. She would come back around 7. My mother in law joined us at 5:15 and helped me thru that. Around 650 my mom was just half a mile down the road with a breakfast sandwich for my hubby . He called her and said “mommy shes ready to go.” I was at 9 cm and ready to go. I pushed for 2 hours and then around 9:15 my dr said he would use the vacuum. The first one didnt work… so he tried another. Then that didnt work because my baby had so much hair. so he said I could keep pushing or use the forceps. So I chose the forceps to get the baby out. Apparently he had done an episiotomy on me (which i didnt want but no choice in the matter!) At 9:40 my baby boy was born and he was a BIG BABY for 11 days early! My mother in law and my husband were with me the whole time while my mom sat on the side (she didnt wanna see my va jay jay because she was scared lol). Dr was cleaning me up and I asked how big he was. 9 pounds! 11 ounces!? that is one BIG BABY! But he was perfect!!!!!!! So thats my birth story. My son is now 4 and is in preschool. He wants a sister but that’s not coming through anytime soon! I love my son with all my heart. I would not change it for the world.

First photo: 4 years 1 week PP
2nd photo: My baby after he was born
3rd photo: me at 2 weeks pre birth
4th photo: my son at 4 years old

Sad Moments (Anon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 26 Comments

Previous post here.

Hello SOAM I nvr thought id be writing soi soon, but I’ve been having some real sad moments the past few weeks, where I’ve come real close to giving up hope, with thoughts of me never regaining the confidence I once had. I’m 2 months post partum and felt better when I was 3 weeks. Some persons who see me, knowing I recently gave birth can only comment on how fat I’ve gotten. That really hurts. And even when others tell me I don’t look like I had a baby just 2 months ago, the “u look so fat” remarks are what settle.

Right now I’m at my boyfriends house, and without thought, I’m living part of a nightmare I had when I just found the stretch marks on my belly. Where I couldn’t find my self undressing in front of him any more, I’m sure he notices, We don’t live together, its a long distance relationship, so seeing each other doesn’t happen often. This visit is the first in a long while, and I’m not very excited. I just want to go home. Home, where I can be alone, and be sad by myself. Where I don’t have to worry about killing his vibe for me. Where I can look in the mirror and criticize my body.

Having a baby changes everything. I never thought it’d change so much. Never knew such a happy event could make me feel so down. I can’t help but feel extremely sad when I see the way my body went to a whole new dimension right before my eyes. It is still too early to give up hope. But some days that is exactly what I feel like doing. I evn gained weight and inches :-( . My breast are now sagging. One is way bigger than the other, I’m no longer sexually appealing.

Because of all that, I’m slowly loosing my libido. The last time we had sex was in April, at that time I was still very sexy. Now that I’ve delivered a 8lb 4oz baby, and my body gone, no doubt, my hole is bigger and he’ll hate it. He’s a man. How much longer can he go without sex? Will he enjoy it the way he did? I’m nervous. I’m sad.

Being a mother is great, knowing my baby is being nourished from the one breast tht he loves, makes me happy. Knowing tht my now ugly belly kept him safe gives me closure, n makes me know it’s like this for a beautiful reason. But at times I can’t help but feel sad.

Over the weeks, since I’m a mom, I notice that all young moms aim is to look like what they used to. I think its sad how we allow society and celebrities to dictate what we look like wen we hv kids. And hv us worried, and stressed out.

Its as if we are slaves to beauty, when true beauty comes from within, from us bearing our children. I’m greatly affected by my changed body, and there isn’t much tht I could have done differently, I would not have done anything differently. Nothing’s more important than having a healthy baby.

I’ll start exercising soon, I’m afraid I’ll get sick if I over exert my body. And then I won’t be there for my baby. So far my bf doesn’t seemed bothered by the way I look. He still assures me tht I’ll soon look the way I used to. Embracing my mommy bod, cellulite, stretch marks fat, not being able to wear a mini skirt cuz of stretch marks on my calves and thighs, not being able to wear a bikini anymore isn’t easy and I know I’ll nevr look the way I used to but I have the hope of coming close.

Ps thanks for ur encouraging coments in my previous post – Sad but not giving up hope.

1st 2 pics: me in April
3rd pic: pre preggo breasts
4th pic: breasts now
5th & 6th: belly n boobs
7th pic: me sitting down
8th pic: me in clothes
9th pic: me n my hunny bun
10th & 11th pic: thigh stretch marks
12 & 13 pic: calf stretch marks

My Angel (Shanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 10 Comments

Age: 32
3 pregnancies, 2 Cesareans, 1 Abortion
Children aged 10 & 8

I had my children in 2001 and 2003. Both of my children are boys and they are the best things that have ever happened to me. I was a single mom for the majority of their lives as their Fathers wanted nothing to do with them. Then after many years and being told I couldn’t get pregnant again, I met the man I always dreamed of! After a short 6 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant.He didn’t want kids of his own. After the abortion, I went through a long period of depression and grief. It is still hard at times, but I am working through it. We are still together, which is nothing short of a miracle. I wrote this letter to my lost one in hopes of easing the pain

My Angel,

I have tried to envision you here with me. I have tried to erase your brief, fleeting memory from my mind, heart and soul. I have tried to forget that you ever existed, that you were part of me. I have tried to make my womb forget you as well. I have tried to ignore you. I have tried to change time, to go back in my mind….. To change the life altering and life ending decision that I made.

You are not the only one who suffered because of my actions. I too have suffered, although my suffering is well deserved. A part of me died the moment you were sucked and scraped out of the safety of my womb.

I torture myself every day with my choice, my inability to correct it, the finality of it all. I both comfort and torture myself playing out your almost was life in my dreams. Were you the Daughter I always dreamed of…..? Would you have been my third Son….? What would you have looked like….? Me or him?

It is difficult for me to know that next month you would be celebrating your 1st Birthday. You would be walking by now, Exploring the world around you. I would be watching you in amazement, proud of all you had accomplished in your first year of life. You would fall asleep in my arms, with your chubby little arms wrapped around me. You would be sleeping peacefully while I smelled your hair and felt blessed to have you in my life. My heart would soar when you said your first word and I would brag to everyone how smart you are. I would shed tears the first time you said mama. My heart would break the first time you got hurt and I would feel helpless when ever you got sick. I would put on a brave face and bite back tears every time you got your shots. I would creep into your room at night and make sure you were still breathing and smile if I accidentally woke you up, then I’d rock you back to sleep. I would sing you lullabies when no one could hear me. I would stare at you in awe for I had created you and that is a miracle. I would have been proud to be your mommy.

All that is nice, I know. But I also know that none of that matters. It doesn’t matter what I would have done… All that matters is what I DID do and that I DIDN’T do the ONE thing that I was supposed to do… And that was to protect you. I can say I am sorry every minute for the rest of my life and it would never be enough. On October 5th, 2009 I found out I was pregnant with you. Immediately, my hand caressed my tummy. You had already started to change my body, my breasts were full and my tummy firm at the bottom where you were, safe in my womb. I had a feeling before that day that I was pregnant, but the impossibility of it pushed it from my mind. As I walked to your Daddy’s home, my mind raced with all the possibilities that you would bring. I didn’t know how everything was going to work out, how I would be able to afford you. But, I knew the most important things… I knew that I already loved you, fiercely. I knew that I wanted you, forever. I knew that you were part of me, my body, my heart and my soul… you were mine. I knew that your big brothers would love you and protect you. I knew that I had done it before, raising your older brothers without any help and not much money. Then why did I do it? I was madly in love with your daddy. On one hand, what I did was selfless…. I wanted to make him happy, no matter how it made me feel. On the other hand, my actions were selfish… I was in love and didn’t want to lose him, regardless of what it meant for you and your life. I don’t believe in Heaven, but if there is one, I know that’s where you will be.. A life cut short, so full of promise, a symbol of hope and love, a miracle from my body.

If I could tell you anything it is this…. I am sorry that I treated you as if you were a parasite, a curse. I am sorry that I chose to not have you but chose to have your big brothers, that is wrong. I am sorry that I will never know you as what you were meant to be; my child. I am sorry that I killed you before you had a chance to live. I loved you from the moment that you were known about. I am sorry that I failed you and had you thrown away in a dumpster. I am sorry that you are my dirty little secret. I am sorry that I cannot say that I did what I thought was best for you.

So, as I sit here every day and mourn you… a nameless, faceless child of mine… I must give you a name and a birthday…. You deserve that, at the very least. If you were a girl, I would have named you Nevaeh. If you were a boy, I would have named you whatever your Daddy chose. I can’t say what because it was never discussed. All I have for a birthday is your due date… June 5th 2010.

Love,
Me