When he smiles (Anonymous)

I want to lie and say that I am comfortable with my body.
I want to say that I don’t give it a second thought.
The truth though…
The truth is that I think about it often.

I can be honest and say I think about it less now than I ever have.
This website helps.
Trying to maintain a healthy outlook helps.
Knowing, now that I have a son who has rocked my world, that love for a child…your own child…kicks all other types of love in the ass.

The emotion I feel when I look at my son conquers all.
If you are a mother, you know that.

You know that you would jump in front of ten speeding locomotives for your child.
You know that you would sacrifice all for your child.
You know that watching every first, step, bite and word is better than…well…is better than anything for which we have words.

I know that I am “lucky”.
I didn’t get stretch-marks (well, not many)
My body handled pregnancy well.
I carried small.

But, in reading what I have written, that “luck” seems trite and selfish and trivial.

What matters is growth and adaptation and health and happiness and love and memories.

Juicy watermelon running down my son’s chin.
Laughter as he splashes through a puddle.
His assuredness as he navigates his first steps.
That sweet smell of his milky breath first thing in the morning.

When he smiles.
When he smiles.
When he smiles.

I want to lie and say that I am comfortable with my body.
I want to say that I don’t give it a second thought.
The truth though…
The truth is that I think about it often.

Updated here.

22 thoughts on “When he smiles (Anonymous)

  • Monday, October 27, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Sweet poem.

    Wow, I never looked as good as you before I had kids! You look great.

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 4:54 am

    Beautifully written and gorgeous body!

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 8:00 am

    You’re absolutly beautiful!

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    Are these suppose to be post baby pics? Your breasts are very round and perky (as well as nice small areolas and nipples) and your stomach is nice and flat. I do not see any stretch marks. If these are post baby pics I do not see what you are so worried about. You look great. You do not even look like you have had a baby.

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Your poem made me cry. Your outlook is beautiful.

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    You look amazing. It’s something that makes me so sad about our culture– that even women who “fit” the ideal cannot see how beautiful they are. You are beautiful on the outside, and I’m sure on the inside as well. I can relate to obsessing about my body (as I’m sure can 99% of women). One thing that helps me is to do things I love and am good at and that have nothing to do with the way I look. I find the busier I am, the less I think about it. You are lovely!

  • Tuesday, October 28, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Very sweet words. You look fantastic!

  • Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 10:46 am

    I agree you look amazing!

  • Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    Yes, these are my post-baby pics. I will post some pre-pregnancy ones as well when I update.

    Taiyo, I agree that our culture breeds women who are image obsessed. I am one in healing.

    Thanks all for the kind words. I am so grateful for this site.

  • Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    You have possibly the best looking breasts I’ve ever seen. Pregnancy has treated you well. I wish I had such perky breasts. My husband would never leave me alone!

  • Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    I wish I could say that I sympathize for you, but you look amazing, really!! If I had your body I would never take off my bikini… or wear any clothes, haha! Honestly honey, you look fantastic.

  • Monday, November 3, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    I am soooo jealous of your boobs. They are gorgeous.

  • Monday, November 17, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    That was beautiful! It made me cry! You are stunning inside and out.

  • Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    wow you have such a beautiful body! you should be so proud!id give anything to look like that! beautiful poem by the way :)

  • Tuesday, December 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    you look super hot! great body after kids, you look like me…we are lucky indeed!

  • Wednesday, December 3, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    I’m a man. Your world frightens and confuses me. I lurk in the shadows, observing that which men are not meant to see. And everywhere I go, I see the same strange phenomenon: beautiful women who think they’re ugly. I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first man to tell you that you’re hot. But you don’t believe it until you hear from other women. Why?

  • Friday, December 5, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    David-I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s because most women (myself included) feel that for men, really, it may not take much. Women however, may understand the complexity behind the reality. This is a stereotype and I am generalizing. I know that. For me, it is on my mind and the work to separate identity from physicality continues.

  • Friday, December 12, 2008 at 9:24 am

    What a beautiful poem, and so true. Thank you!

  • Sunday, December 28, 2008 at 1:54 am

    GUYS—that’s her PRE-pregnancy belly in the top pics!!

  • Saturday, January 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm


    Thanks for your comment, but the top pics are 12 monthsPP.

    Happy new year to all.

  • Friday, March 13, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Amazing! I loved what you wrote. My beautiful little girl passed away when she was 29 days old, and what you wrote reminded me to be thankful for my “mommy body”, because from it came the most beautiful little angel! Thank you!

  • Tuesday, February 2, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Your body is perfect – perfect

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