Submissions

It all seems so petty (Kim)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update, VBAC 7 Comments

Previous post here.

I had c-sections with my first two births (please see my previous posts). I wasn’t thrilled with the birth experiences, but I had living babies because of them. My 3rd child was born via successful vba2c. It was amazing to hold her right after she was born. My body was stretched a bit more, but still bounced back nicely. We bought a treadmill and I ran and ran and ran and got in to the best shape I’d been in in years. I was actually lighter than I’d been before I got pregnant with our first child. June 2013 I got pregnant for the fourth time. Something felt off the entire time – the baby didn’t bounce around like I was used to. At my 12 week dating ultrasound I left with a picture and something not sitting quite right in my brain – I STILL don’t know what was wrong, but something was. When I went in for my 18 week doctor appointment on September 13, 2013 there was no heartbeat. The baby had passed days before. I had a D&C at the abortion clinic because there was less waiting than at the hospital. I got back on the treadmill and ran and ran and ran until I was smaller than I’d been when I got pregnant so all evidence of that baby was gone. Except the heartache. And then I ate. And I gained back all the weight I’d lost after my 3rd child was born. It wasn’t much – only about 20lbs, but I was right back where I was when we’d started trying to conceive #4. And then I got pregnant with our 4th child. I was terrified. I distanced myself from her during the pregnancy. I didn’t want my heart broken again – how much grief can one person withstand? I’d joined some late loss groups after my loss and knew that nothing was certain. The moment that baby was born healthy, screaming, via another successful vba2c, my world was complete. My husband at my side – I was whole. We took a picture of our 4 babies in a chair together and felt whole. I had plans. To run. And run. And ignore the loose skin and the sagging boobs and to be in the best shape of my life so I could be healthy with my Ironman (triathlon) husband. And wear a bikini. But it still hasn’t gotten to that point. Baby is 4 weeks old now. 2 weeks ago my 33 year old husband had a major gut pain and went to the emergency room at the hospital. 2 weeks ago we found out my husband has stage 4 colon cancer. 2 weeks ago my husband had a giant tumor removed from his colon and gained a colostomy bag. 2 weeks of happiness, of pure bliss, was all this mother was allowed.

Right now the shape of this mother is broken. Scared. TERRIFIED. We have 4 kids 5 and under. I’m fortunate I don’t suffer from post partum depression because I’m enough of a mess. I don’t look in the mirror. What’s the point? My husband now poops in a bag. If he can deal with that, what’s a well used belly in comparison?! In one of my earlier posts I think I said something about worrying about our body shape being a first world problem. And it is. There are so, so many worse things to worry about, to have happen.

Love yourself the way you are ladies. You’re beautiful, you’re healthy, you’re alive.

~Age: 35
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5p/4b
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5, 3, 2, 1 month

Update here.

Fascinated by the Changes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions

Age: 39 years old

First child.

I am fascinated by the changes to my body (especially my boobs) that pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding are making.

I took these photos as a record for myself but also to share with a young friend of mine who told me ” Oh, you can exercise and get your body back.”

My response to her was “Well, if you think there’s an exercise that will change my boobs back, I think you believe in magic. ;)

I’ve left it late in life to have my first child – I’m 39 – and I feel it’s a little easy to accept my body because I had it good while I was young.

Now I am ageing anyway and at least I have something to show for it – and making another human is quite an achievement! :)

I do worry though that women have unrealistic expectations of what they can control and change about their bodies and I think it’s important to learn how to embrace the mamma body.

In some ways, I disagree that women should even have to show their bodies at all. Why are we always under such scrutiny other than to drive an industry?

But if sharing images of ourselves makes someone else feel less alone in their situation, then it’s worth it!

So here are some photos that I am happy to share.

The first one was taken when I was 28 years old (and long before having children) – proof that I too once had perky boobs. ;)

And the next shot was taken at age 39; 5 weeks postpartum, post C-section, currently breastfeeding.

I’m not sure of my weight but I think I’m about 6kg heavier than I was before getting pregnant (now about 74kg, was 68kg) and about 16kg heavier now than I was 10 years ago when the first shot was taken (was 58kg).

The other photos are of different stages. One old photo is from when I was 28 years old. Then 5 weeks postpartum. Also 5 weeks and 31 weeks pregnant.


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(Comments closed by request.)

10lb Stays Behind With Each Child (BUTTERFLY6925)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 0 Comment

I am 31 years old and about 8 weeks pregnant with my 6th pregnancy. I have 4 living children, ages 12,10,9, and recently starting over with 6 months.

In 2006, I gave birth to a still born baby girl who we called Avyn Abigail

We have 3 living boys and only 1 girl. Daddy is determined to have a second girl.

I had been fortunate to regain my pre baby body after the first 3 children and even was able to win a bikini contest against 50 women in 2011.

However, after each child I retained exactly 10 lbs with each birth.

I started at 18 years old and was 110 lbs and today I am 160 lbs and newly pregnant with my 6th , hopeful that I do not come out of this one at 170 lbs!

I am that girl in your story!

After each birth, I am able to conveniently shrink back down to my original size and fit back into my pre pregnancy clothes ( size 5 ) , but each time, they fit a little differently and I tend to carry the weight somewhere new each time! LOL

Daddy has agreed to a vasectomy after this one! Whoo hoo!

It is not easy being a mommy to 4 while daddy is on an oil rig 8 hours away AND also in the Army reserves.

I am happy that he finally understands this and has exhausted his need to have another girl.
Lord willing, he will get his girl on this round…I guess we will see!

Overdue, induced and finally sectioned! 25 days postpartum! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 0 Comment

When I found out i was pregnant I was both excited and terrified I had just started a new healthy lifestyle, was down three kg and was feeling fantastic. I have always had body issues and the though of pregnancy weight gain and body changes scared the hell out of me. My pregnancy was not fun I had really bad morning sickness was hospitalized and lost 6 more kg during the first trimester due to this. I was happy I had lost more weight but felt incredible guilt because my baby could have been compromised, so I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted and whatever I could keep down in order to regain the weight.

Anyway towards the end of my pregnancy my partner and I relocated interstate to be closer to family and needless to say it was a very stressful time. My new doctor was fantastic but it was just one thing after another and I worried about every thing. She initially said i was too small to give birth to a full term baby naturally and that she may induce early at 38wks, I went for a scan and the babies size was fine but i had low fluid levels, so I was sent for another scan, I was strep B positive, then the babies heart rate became erratic and high and it felt like every little thing that could go wrong was going wrong. The doctor let me go full term and booked me in for an induction when I made it to 40wks and 6 days.

The first induction attempt (with cervadil?) didn’t bring on labor, I had contractions but once the cervadil was removed everything stopped and my cervix were shut tight!

After 24 hours a second induction was attempted using prostaglandin gel, this time I was having small irregular contractions that didn’t get any stronger and eventually stopped. My cervix were still shut tight! No Labor no Baby.

By this stage I was 40wks and 9 days and my doctor said I can let you go and see what happens but “I don’t think anything is going to happen on it’s own especially after the inductions failed, Or we can book you in this afternoon for a section” After four days in hospital I just wanted to meet my baby so I opted for the section. I was a little scared but excited that after going through so much I would finally meet my baby. It was not to be. I was prepped for surgery and had the spinal block inserted and well IT DIDN’T WORK! the spinal block failed to take effect, I could still wiggle my toes and feel my legs and pelvis so the section was abandoned I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated I was so ready to meet my baby and I was being told no you have to wait another day.

I was re-booked for another one under an epidural for the next morning. Thank goodness this time it worked and I was finally able to meet my baby a little boy! I was allowed to leave hospital on Monday after delivering by section on the Friday.

Here I am 25 days later (still with the steri strip over my scar). I still have a way to go but you know what I don’t care I’ve got something better than a hot body, a beautiful, healthy little boy that I love more than anything

Age: 33
Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 1 birth
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 25 days postpartum

Feeling Good (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 2 Comments

~Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 – 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 and 2 years

I have always had a complex relationship with my body. My weight has gone up and down over the years. Most days I would be fine, other days I would loathe myself. My boobs, who were a size DD at 13 years old, were often a cause of low self-esteem and (mostly) unwanted male attention.
I met my wonderful boyfriend at 19 years old, after I gained the dreaded freshman 15 and was officially overweight. It didn’t seem to matter too much to him. After college I was able to lose that weight and maintain for several years, until I had my first child at 28. Breastfeeding didn’t help much with losing weight and I was again about 15lbs overweight. Two years later I had my second child and that left me with an extra 8lbs, so 23lbs in total.

I was OK with my body, but I didn’t feel pretty or sexy anymore. I wanted to feel pretty again. Yes, I will readily admit that I lost the baby weight for vanity. So after the breastfeeding period I was ready to get my body back and I bought some good quality running shoes. During 8 months I was running but not losing much weight. Then I started counting calories and the pounds flew off in a relatively short period (3 months). I’ve been maintaining my pre-baby weight for 5 months now and I couldn’t be happier.

My boobs have also undergone a positive change. I went from a pre-baby DD cup, to a post-baby C cup, to a post-weight loss B cup. Some women might mourn the loss of a DD cup, but I’m certainly not one of those women!!! I’m loving my new smaller boobs. Clothes fit me better, people don’t stare at my chest they way they used to, working out is less painful. It’s all good in my eyes. Yes, they are a bit saggy and deflated, but that doesn’t weight up to the advantages.
Pictures. (My apologies for the quality. I am not not good with a camera.)

#1 After second baby.
#2 Pre-weight loss pictures.
#3 Post weight loss. This is a blurry one but I was happily surprised at my silhouette.
#4 Post weight loss profile.
#5 Post weight loss belly close up. I think it looks better now than it did pre-children. Right above my belt you can see the slight mommy pouch.

I Feel Okay With It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Children with Health Complications, Complications in Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 2 Comments

Age: 24
Pregnancies: 2 (currently pregnant with #2)
Births: 1
Age of Children: 2 1/2 years

I am 24 and currently 29 weeks pregnant with my second child. I started my first pregnancy overweight by about 20lbs. My first pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster of cervical shortening at 21wks, preterm labor at 23 1/2 weeks, a Christmastime hospital stay for an entire week (including Christmas), strict bed rest at home until 37 weeks and weekly self injected progesterone hormone shots, and 60lbs of weight gain. In the end it was all worth it of course because I was able to carry my beautiful perfect son almost to 40 weeks! He was born just 3 days shy of his “due date”. And then the next roller coaster began… despite all the healthy looking fetal echocardiograms, he was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect called Pulmonary Stenosis (the same one I have) and a pretty severe tongue tie. Breastfeeding was a challenge right from the start and despite asking multiple times a day, every day for the three days were in the hospital after he was born to see a Lactation Consultant, we never saw one. I didn’t get to see one until he was 5 days old and the woman I saw was so rude and abrasive I was afraid to go back when I still needed help with breastfeeding. When my son lost even more weight than is normal after birth, I finally went back to the office and saw another LC. She was AMAZING. The only issue was my son was getting so tired while trying to nurse that he would fall asleep after only getting about 1/2 an ounce of milk. This was due to his tongue tie as well as his heart condition. Then we began the long journey of pumping and using a nipple shield to help him latch more efficiently and feeding him from a bottle when he was too tired to nurse at the breast. We also started the process of trying to get his tongue tie clipped by a doctor. Insurance said it wasn’t medically necessary… it took his doctor showing them his weight loss & heart defect paperwork for them to approve it. He finally got it fixed at almost 2 months old. That was a horrible day in itself, but I felt like we would really turn a corner in the road to successful breastfeeding after that. I was so wrong. My son already had nipple confusion and would no longer nurse at my breast, even with the silicone nipple shield. I began to HATE breastfeeding. At one point in time I remember almost screaming at my son to just f***ing eat. Not one of my finer moments. I was crying every time we sat down to nurse, and I was beginning to even resent my poor sweet perfect son because he couldn’t eat “right”, and I began to hate myself for feeling this way as well as hating my body for failing me. It was at that point that I set up an appointment with the same LC again to try any last options we hadn’t already exhausted. Again she was amazing. She told me it was okay to stop breastfeeding. It was okay to stop because my son needed ME more than he needed MY MILK. She also suggested I talk to my OB provider about possible PPD treatment. So I stopped breastfeeding. Gave back the hospital grade pump I had been renting from the hospital, shoved the boppy in the closet, and threw away those damn nipple shields. We had almost no trouble with formula, thank goodness. I began to enjoy my son and spending every day with him. He was simply amazing. At 2 1/2 years old he still is. He never ceases to amaze me and his smiles, hugs and laughter are all I need to turn a bad day around. I am as I previously mentioned currently pregnant with my 2nd child, a little girl, due in December. This pregnancy is similar to my first, I have the cervical shortening (although not as severe) and am still at risk for preterm labor. I had JUST lost all the weight I started my 1st pregnancy with about 2 months before finding out I was pregnant…and now I am gaining it all back again. I had a bought of preterm labor at 28 weeks and was in the hospital for 3 days. Thankfully it did not cause any major cervical changes and I do not have to be on bed rest or any hormone shots. I am gaining the weight a little slower this time, desperately trying to keep it under control and to the 25lb maximum my provider says is “okay” for an “obese” woman. I see my pregnant belly in the mirror and sometimes I hate it. I feel fat. It’s squishy and flubby feeling at the bottom. My thighs touch and rub together 24/7. My boobs have stretch marks, sag, and are nowhere near where they were before I was ever pregnant. But then my son pats my belly and says “bee-bee shh-sssyyy” (baby sissy) and smiles and laughs and everything is okay. I feel okay with it all when I see how my son loves me and when I feel my daughter kicking. They are worth every ounce of extra weight, and every single stretch mark all over my body.

My Cut Belly (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 0 Comment

Nearly six years ago, I had a cesarean section. It wasn’t planned: I went through the pregnancy and into labor expecting my daughter would be born the so-called normal way. Still, over 24 hours went by, and although my cervix had dilated fully, it was clear my vagina wasn’t big enough to fit her through. So I was wheeled into an operating room, where my belly was exposed (actually, I was more or less naked for a considerable portion of the surgery), scrubbed with antiseptic, cut open with a surgeon’s knife, and -once the baby was removed – sewn up, stapled, and bandaged.

The result was a red line running horizontally along my abdomen about three inches under my navel. On my second day home from the hospital, four days after my daughter’s birth, my incision opened up slightly, prompting me to put ice on it (which did alleviate the soreness). Over the coming months, the soreness and itchiness eventually went away – even though even now several years later, I can sometimes ‘feel’ on my belly where I was sectioned and my daughter taken from my womb. My scar similarly faded, to the point where it now seems barely visible.

During those months I thought about the scar and, more importantly, the cesarean section itself. In my early twenties, I was very much into the natural childbirth ideal. A cesarean was at best a necessary evil for me. As one woman who had planned a home birth but had to have a scheduled cesarean section because her baby was breech said, in her mind home birth was good, hospital birth bad, and surgical birth unthinkable – until she was forced to undergo one.

By the time I hit my thirties, though, I was more comfortable with the idea of possibly needing a surgical birth myself. A couple of people ‘in the know’ had commented on my narrow pelvis, and I knew that the older I got, the higher my risks of being sectioned were if I got pregnant. So in the end, I wasn’t particularly surprised when the doctors told me that the only way my baby could come out of me was directly through my belly.

I also thought about the scar itself. I remember reading that after having a cesarean with her first child, actress Rita Hayworth had her wardrobe altered in such a way that the scar on her stomach wouldn’t show when she appeared in the movie Gilda. Feminist leader Gloria Steinem later spoke of a woman who never wore two-piece bathing suits because she didn’t want anyone to see her cesarean scar (Steinem, by the way, did not think the other woman should have been ashamed of her incision).

Eventually, I came to feel that I did not need to hide my scar on occasions where others might see it, like on the beach. Plus, I liked the fact that I could show my daughter exactly how and from where she was born. And I could advertise to everyone the fact that I had given life – through my belly, albeit with the help of the doctors and nurses at the hospital.

I then took a somewhat radical step: having my scar photographed. So after deliberating for some time, I called a local photographer and made an appointment to have my belly immortalized on camera. Ironically, when I went to the photographer’s studio, I noticed that a number of women had had ‘belly pictures’ taken of themselves when they were -often very heavily – pregnant. I too was getting a ‘belly picture,’ after the fact, so to speak.

Having my abdomen photographed was an experience in itself. As on the operating table, I was naked in the studio, my belly bare so everyone could see exactly from where my daughter had emerged. The photographer and his assistant zeroed in on me to find the best way of ‘capturing’ my scar. Finally, after switching the lighting and making me change positions a couple of times, they were able to get a good view of my cesarean ‘slice,’ my cut belly.

The photographer ended up taking a number of pictures of me, and my scar and abdomen, but I chose to pay for and bring home what I considered the best one (though they were all good). Speaking with me afterwards, he said that he had taken many photographs of women’s sectioned bellies but that I was the only one who was openly ‘proud’ of my scar.

And I am, of my scar and of my belly. Sometimes I wonder what people might think of me when if they see my scar at a beach or pool, for instance, or if the photographer decides to feature it in one of his work displays. Will they see me as one of those ‘too posh to push’ women (example: Victoria Adams)?

I will let you decide. Here is a picture of my cut belly.

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Photo shared with permission of Keith Penner.

This is My Body (Jessica)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

This is my body. It’s going through a lot right now.

I had a beautiful baby girl 8 months ago and I am 26 weeks pregnant with a little boy that has already stolen my heart. I also have a pretty bad chest cold that I’m trying to keep said 8 month old from getting.

I have stretch marks, a tattoo on my arm that I hate, my fingernail polish is chipping, and I probably should have thrown these panties away 2 sizes ago. My boobs don’t hang the way they used to, I have what most people refer to as “back fat”, and what is this thigh gap I keep hearing about?

I can’t sleep at night. It takes me 20 minutes just to get my (five) pillows the way I like them. Then I have to pee. Then another 20 minutes to get settled again, just in time for the baby to need me. Then I doze off, and oh it’s beautiful..until I roll to my right side in my sleep and wake up in a coughing fit. Dang.

I have heartburn. All the time.

My feet are disappearing..again. I feel like I didn’t enjoy them as much as I could have when I could see/reach them in the short amount of time I had with them between healing from a c-section and this baby bump growing (much faster than the first one, I might add..but I hear that’s normal).

It’s hard to breathe. Between this cold and my already smushed lungs. I sat in the middle of my living room floor at 3:00 AM last night, crying hysterically because I just wanted to be able to catch my breath..which didn’t help the not being able to breathe thing, because I’m not a good crier.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. A week ago..maybe? My eye brows could use a wax, my swollen fingers keep me from wearing my wedding rings (I hate that), and everything is getting bigger..except my butt. I’m totally in-proportionate.

This is my body..and I love it.

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Getting There (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I am a 26 y/o mother of one beautiful girl. I have always been small, but have been self confident of my belly as it had a little flab to it. When I got pregnant, I was 105lbs. I delivered my baby at 37 weeks and 147 lbs. I got stretch marks on my breasts, thighs, and stomach. I hate them. It’s hard to feel sexy with them, but there is nothing I can do so I guess they are here to stay.

I am now 10 months PP and starting to accept my body. My breasts used to be small and firm, but have changed. I am worried what will happen when I wean. I love them when they are full of milk, but after feeding they are deflated. My belly is still there, and still bothering me. I’m down to 105lbs again but am saggy and it bothers me.

26 yo
1 vaginal birth, 10 months PP
Breasts, PP, first child

Bottom to top: before pregnancy, 10 months pp, full breasts (when I like them), 8 months PP (my belly)

Pregnancy Loss (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 3 Comments

It happened around two years ago and it was my first and only pregnancy. During this time I was finally living together with just my boyfriend (now Fiancé!) for a few months after moving from one share house to another. Once we received the keys we were ecstatic! Finally living our first own home. We had a discussion in which we decided if I fell pregnant it was meant to be if I didn’t -we tried. I stopped taking my contraceptive and boom, two months later we conceived what I believe to this day to be a girl (my partner thinks otherwise). I was thrilled to say the least I’ve always wanted to be a mother and it felt right.

I was happy and the day I found out I told my boss. Don’t get me wrong I know you are supposed to wait till three months but due to constraints of where I work I made sure I wasn’t going to do any activities that may risk the chance of my baby’s survival by telling her. The response I got “You are kidding me right? Go do “insert job here” I cant look at you right now” don’t get me wrong I love my boss and she meant it in the nicest way, she was just frustrated because I was the fourth person to fall pregnant in my workplace within 4 months- mine was two weeks after someone else! All four people that she now had to put on light duties! She later came to me and said Congratulations I’m very happy for you and hugged me.

At my work there was constant talk of pregnancies from all four of us and it was hilarious to watch all the males squirm over half of the conversions being “baby talk”. Each one of us was just as excited as the other. We loved talking about how far along we were and what ours looked like compared to how far the other one’s had developed. Each of us went for our first scans one after the other booking a day off to go ‘see’ what our bubba’s looked like. I waited until I could get the scan done outside of my body, just over 8.5 weeks, because I didn’t like the idea of something going into my body -it just freaked me out a little. When that day came I was so excited. I booked a time for when my partner could come with me and off we went. I had drunk too much water and was bursting to use the toilet much to my discretion I wasn’t allowed to use until after my scan. I jiggled and twitched and even asked how long they would be only because of how badly I needed to go!

Finally! I’m being seen and they push on my stomach and say I have drunken too much water and I have to let some out I was like wait what? once I go I wont be able to stop. They told me I had to stop! I came back and they tried again. She said it wasn’t enough! while thinking “thank goodness” i was a little frustrated at the same time -all I wanted was to see our baby! When I came back I was finally able to see the screen in which shows that little ‘bean’ that was supposed to sprout into our special baby they tried to find a heartbeat to which there was none. I went into shock as they told me to go straight to the doctors and gave me a letter. the doctor then sent me to the hospital to which I waited hours and hours to be seen. Once they saw me they prescribed me an anti-d needle and said I’m sorry there is nothing we can do and it was up to my body to reject what was now known to them as a dead foetus. to me it was still my baby -heartbeat or not. wait two weeks they said and it should happen. Nothing did so i made an appointment with the anti-natal clinic who sent me for a scan again to tell me the same thing again my baby had no heartbeat. I was then booked in for a D&C. The whole two weeks is still a blur while waiting for my miscarriage to “come”. I don’t remember much until the day I had to get time off of work. Having to tell a co worker instead of my boss -who was very busy at the time, that i needed particular days off next week as I was getting my child removed. Needless to say everyone at work found out before the boss did. I didn”t want to be the ‘new’ subject at work I was grieving at the loss of my unborn child and the gossip did not make it any easier.

The week of the procedure I also had to attend a wedding where toddlers walked down the isle and every family member that knew what happened was saying I’m sorry. At the time it did not make me feel any better but worse. Less than a month later I confessed to my father what had happened with the support of one of my friends beside me (I was visiting him over the other side of the country for his 60th). He didn’t take it well and said it was my “one chance to stuff up and I used it” Gee thanks. Nice to know I have his support. He then told his partner and who said well it’s only yr first serious relationship so its probably a good thing. I was upset and offended by what they both said. It has branded in my mind since then. I understand that my father was looking out for me at the time in his own way but it still pains me to this day. He has a very set order of the way things should go. Dating minimum of 2-4 yrs before moving in together from 4 yrs its marriage /buy a house then get a pet the next year if you can handle that and you are older than 25 then sure go ahead and make grand babies for me. The conversation put me off telling my mother that I had been pregnant and to this day she still doesn’t know.

Since then I haven’t really exercised or done anything except working and spending as much time as I can with my partner. (shift worker has it’s complications when there is never a set roster.) needless to say I’ve kept the babyweight (plus gaining a few more kgs) on and have no self esteem. I understand that these things happen it is all apart of pregnancy but I was so crushed and I am not as motivated as I once was. I don’t feel as sexy as I felt I once was and No matter how many compliments my loving man gives me I feel as they are not completely true.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise I needed to talk it through.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.