Submissions

A Hard Road, but Worth Every Second (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

I have struggled with an eating disorder in various forms since I was 15, and cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel fat. During a period of relative sanity I had my son, at 19 (maybe that’s not very sane, in retrospect). The pregnancy was great and he is a wonderful nearly-8-year-old, but after… I was huge. And by huge I mean a size 8… Yeesh. I was actually a bit chubby- I’m a tiny person by nature, I’m a size 2 and have been eating normally for almost 3 years- but at 5’2 I’m healthy. Anyway, after I had my son I had about a 5 year blur or starving, binging, and purging- which was something I had never done before. I lost a job because of it (apparently eating disorders are terribly obvious to medical personnel; nursing work might have been a dumb idea…), and at one point I almost lost my husband, who I have been with since I was 15. One morning in early 2007, I physically could not get out of bed. I had purged ANYTHING I ate for an entire week prior- no nutrition at all for 7 days. I decided I HAD to stop, because being an invalid was not what I had set out to do… 2 months or so later, I got my period back… and the next month I became pregnant with my daughter. I was thrilled and terrified. I HAD to eat normally, I couldn’t live with myself if harmed my baby! And so I did. I had terrible morning sickness, and couldn’t wait for 12 weeks to come around. But twelve weeks got here and it only got worse. I’m not sure I went one day without vomiting. In some strange Irony, the one time I was TRYING to keep everything down, I couldn’t! At that time, I had a part time, weekend job at a music store where, aside from the owner, I was the only employee. At 15 weeks, I was going about my duties when I got sick. Nothing too unusual. So I tried to drink some water to settle my poor tummy.. and couldn’t stop throwing up. I had to call the store owner, close the store, and wait for my best friend to come pick me up- no way I could drive, my husband was on a job about 2 hours away. I get to the hospital, where I am just vomiting spit. They wouldn’t listen to anything I said. ‘Are you bleeding’ noooo… ‘we think you have a tubal pregnancy’ but Im 15 weeks- something would have ruptured long ago if that were true. ‘I’m pretty sure you aren’t 15 weeks’ JUST DO A FREAKIN’ ULTRASOUND ALREADY!!! all the while I’m STILL puking! finally, they do the ultrasound, and what do ya’ know, I’m right. No tubal pregnancy- just a perfectly healthy, squirmy 15 week old fetus. They gave me some IV fluids and anti-emetics, and sent me on my way, assuring me I was having a ‘rough pregnancy’ and this probably wouldn’t happen again. I was still puking nearly daily, but I was ok, save for my hubby’s birthday when we found out her sex, went out for a celebratory dinner where I destroyed the bathroom… It was tolerable for a few more weeks when I had a repeat of the ER incident, at least this time they gave me prescriptions for anti-emetics and painkillers. About 3 weeks before she was born, it happened again, only my Promethazine had stopped working and they had to give me some sort of cocktail of drugs normally given to people with cancer. I apparently had NO immune system left after all this and developed the worst bronchitis ever. Between the puking and coughing there were times I thought I might die and almost didn’t care. I have never felt that awful before or since. While I was waiting on my prescription to be filled, I went into labor. AT THE STORE! The Dr. knew my last labor was 4 hours, so I was scheduled to be induced… the next day! I didn’t have a phone with me, so I drove home. We drove like crazy and 15 minutes after we got to the hospital I was holding the sweetest baby girl! Suffice it to say, I have had no desire to vomit since then, and I have been eating normally ever since. She just turned 2 and is giving me kisses as I write this. I have never been happier!!!

Pictures:
both my sweet babies
the finished product!
me at 7 months- I never made it into maternity pants
me today- still small, but not skeletal!

Feeling Confident (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 32
2 pregnancies
Children aged 5 years & 8 years

I had my first child at 24. Before becoming pregnant I weighed about 140 lbs. I gained 67 lbs. during that pregnancy. Before my second birth (27 years old) I had lost all of the weight plus some and got down to 136 lbs. During the second pregnancy I gained 76 lbs. Over the past five years I have fluctuated between 135 and 170 but spent the most time hovering around 140-145.

I am now 32 and have gotten down to 130 lbs. As much as this number seems reasonable, my body is so very different than before. My breasts are smaller and droopier, obviously there are many stretch marks, my thighs are much bigger, my hips are wider, and my belly skin is wrinkly.

My husband, who is very complimentary of my body, just bought me a bikini for the summer. I love the suit and really want to wear it. I also, however, want to feel confident in it and not self-conscious. I can, for the most part, deal with the stretch marks as they more closely remind me of my precious babes. They also aren’t as defined as they seem to look in the pictures. My biggest concerns, however, are my love handles and the wrinkly skin under my belly button. I just cannot seem to get it to tighten up – is it possible? Hoping to feel confident by June!

Mother of 4….soon to be 5! (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Preemie, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

I am a young mother of many. I am currently pregnant with my 5th child, though this is my 6th pregnancy. My oldest child is only 6 years old, so in the last roughly 7 years my body has been through a lot. However, my body makes me so proud, because I have 4 beautiful children to show for it. I am currently 5 months pregnant with my 4th son. My pregnancies are always very easy, though I did have two preemies. I have always enjoyed being pregnant, I think it is the most beautiful thing a woman can do and I count myself lucky to have been able to experience it, as I know there are many women out there who never have the chance.

– I am including 3 pictures from my last pregnancy (not the current one) 1) me at 5 weeks pregnant 2) me at 38 weeks pregnant (days before delivery of my 9 lber) and 3) me 1.5 weeks post partum after my 4th child is born, a boy 9 lbs 3 oz.

-I am currently 29 years old and will be when I deliver baby #5
– I have had 6 pregnancies, 4 live births, 2 full term, 2 premature, 1 miscarriage, 1 still baking
– My children are 6, 4.5, 3.5, and 1 year old. I am 5 months pregnant now.

Hating my new body, but loving my daughter. Teen mom. (Lindsey)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 36 Comments

Age- 17
First pregnancy and first birth to my daughter.
Cesarean (couldn’t dialate past a 6)

Hey everyone, my name is Lindsey. First off I want to say I love this website, and everyone on it who shared their stories… I had to debate if I wanted to post my story on here because I was scared to for the longest time, but everyone’s stories made me feel like I could do it too.

I was 16 when I got pregnant, and 17 when I had my daughter. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, he tells me that he loves me for me, but it is really hard for me to accept it.. Through out my whole pregnancy I was doing great, I didnt have morning sickness and I wasn’t moody, I was a happy pregnant person, until 32 weeks came around.. I noticed a tiny stretch mark on my butt, I was worried and I started freaking out, but then I got over it because there was nothing I could do about it.. Days started passing and more stretch marks started to appear.. I am now covered in stretch marks, I have them on my butt, my boobs, my stomach, the front of my thighs, the back of my thighs, the back of my calves, theyre everywhere… My nipples have gotten huge and dark, and my boobs are like pancakes now. I can’t help but be upset about it because I feel disgusting. I have the most difficult time looking in the mirror and I cry every time I see myself naked. I hated my body before I was pregnant, but now I miss it more then anything in this world.. I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying, I just can’t stop crying, I’m crying right now just writing about it.. I feel so unnatractive and I feel like if me and my boyfriend ever split up I’ll never find a man who will think I’m sexy. I mean why would a guy want to be with me when there is other girls out there who don’t have the type of body I have.. Like, I’d feel like if they were with me, they’d always have that thought in the back of their head of being with a girl who’s more fit and doesnt have stretch marks.. So I feel like if a guy ever calls me beautiful, or sexy, he’s just lieing. I don’t think Id ever be comfortable in any relationship with those thoughts in the back of my head, which would eventually cause the guy to leave me because he’s tired of me complaining about it. My boyfriend gets upset when I talk to him about it too, because I ALWAYS feel like he’s lieing to me, because I know Im ugly and my body is disgusting.. I could ramble on for hours about that subject, I just want people to understand what Im saying.. I weighed 145 before I got pregnant, and then weighed 190 at the end of my pregnancy, and now I weigh 168. I dont even feel like exercising or anything to go back to my normal weight because what’s the point in losing weight if I’m never going to feel good about myself? Has anyone else felt like this, I feel alone.. I dont think I’ll ever be happy with myself. I love being a mom and I love my daughter more then anything in this world, but I feel so nasty when it comes to myself and the way I look… Someone please help me accept this…

1st picture- Before I got pregnant.
2nd- Me 4.5 weeks post partum (I’m 5+ weeks right now, but look the same).
last- My daughter Nova who was born on December 23rd, 2009. Picture was taken on Christmas at the hospital right before we went home.
I would’ve taken more pictures of myself then what I did but I couldnt because I’m to embarrassed..
These pictures dont even do any justice of what I look like in real life.. =[

Updated here.

28, and still coming to grips with my new body (M)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 11 Comments

My pre-birth weight was about 140, and I am 5′ 9″. I am a former athlete that was used to a typical body weight of 160-165, so the loss of almost 20 lbs in muscle mass was a huge loss in dress sizes as well as curves. I was pretty used to be a little on the curvy and muscular side. Losing that much mass (due to being a vegan for nearly 8 months; don’t ask). When I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant, I started asking my midwife’s assistant to stop saying my weight out loud when I got weighed, and would routinely turn the other direction when she took my weight. I felt completely healthy, and I didn’t like that they would occasionally make a comment about how much I had gained. I do estimate that I was about 205 when I gave birth. And trust me; it was ALL baby.

I’d like to say that I was much happier with my body before my son was born, but the truth is that I never really was. I look back on that now and remember what it was like to have a stretchmark-free stomach, and regret not relishing the shape of my body while I still had it.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was completely happy the bigger I got with him. I loved the fullness of being pregnant, and relishing the fact that I was totally without any stretching, until I hit 7 months, when I noticed a little cluster above my pelvic region, and that’s when I, much like many other women, completely panicked. It wasn’t long before I realized that there was now no way to stop the inevitable, and luckily I was able to keep from really paying much mind to them, because they were below my belly button, which was over the proverbial hill, where I couldn’t see them.

It wasn’t until after my son was finally born and my stomach deflated that I saw for the first time all the angry red striations all over my belly. It was in the weeks after my son was born that it really sunk in for me how much my body had changed, and how I was most likely never going to be the same.

I spent a lot of the next months avoiding looking directly at myself in the mirror, or really looking at myself the way I used to, almost like it was someone else I was looking at.

I was positively elated when I fond this site, that, like me, the mothers of the world were stretched and a bit saggy, and all finding ourselves trying to come to terms with how much things are different, and what we’ve had to give up for our children.

Each of the stories I have read have been beautiful and inspiring, which is why I chose to share mine as well. Though it’s nothing specific, and sometimes a thing I don’t have to focus on, just the knowledge that both my overly-bloated stomach (which, I confess; I suck in 70% of the time I’m in public and can’t get away with letting it hang out), and my droopy breasts happened because I had my son, comforts me. My boyfriend, who’s never seen me without my mother’s body, still thinks my body is beautifully shaped, and we enjoy being physical together, I have to admit that I am looking forward to a time in the future (which I hope will be near, and not far!), when I am able to slim down a bit more on the weight I put on during my pregnancy.

You may also choose to include:
~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, resulted in 1 live birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 12 months (as of 1/29/2010)

My Body Take 3 (Emma)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, Breasts, Child Loss, Ectopic, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 14 Comments

I don’t think I have much to say, I am 22 years old and have three gorgeous sons, Jacob age 5 years, Benjamin age 3 years and Arthur who is 8 days old :-) Here I am with the youngest at 8 days post-partum. I felt incredibly empowered and attractive when I took these photos, and I chose not to edit them at all. You can see stretch marks from all three pregnancies on my stomach, hips and breasts, and surgery scars from the ectopic pregnancy. Also featured are self-harm scars from my teenage years. It took me a long time to love my body like this, but I wouldn’t have it any other way now.

Starting to Accept My New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 months post partum

After two miscarriages I finally have my beautiful baby! Throughout pregnancy I loved my new body and was amazed watching it grow. I was lucky, I didn’t have stretch marks and I didn’t gain much extra weight. I was genuinely happy with the way I looked for the first time ever and enjoyed the special feeling of knowing that I was carrying a special, secret little person inside my big bump.

All that changed when I had my daughter.

After what many would class as an ‘unnecessary’ (or at the very least ‘premature’) caesarian I struggled to bond with my daughter, I struggled to accept the birth that she had had and struggled to come to terms with the difference in my body. I think the fact that I hadn’t given birth to her myself made the whole idea very abstract: to suddenly go from a pregnant belly with squirming baby inside to jelly belly and all of a sudden I am handed this baby. Well it was hard to accept. To top it off I suddenly woke up with stretch marks. Not only on my hips but on my breasts! That one blindsided me.

Four months on and I feel I have made some progress. I have always had small breasts so breastfeeding has been a real bonus – “nature’s boob job” someone called it and how right they are! In these photos I have just fed my daughter but they are normally a good size bigger. I am pleased to have a bit more curve to my top half.

I am not so upset with my figure. I have always carried a little extra fat (I was a UK12 pre-pregnancy and am a UK14 now) but I can usually hide the flab under my clothing. I even went on holiday recently and wore a bikini (although I did feel extremely self conscious in it).

The scar has healed better than I thought it would but it is still an ugly reminder of the way things went, but it is also proof that I have conceived and nurtured an incredible little life inside me for 9 months. It is hard to accept my body. I was no racing snake before but it is still a big change and hard to come to terms with. But my husband has been amazing and makes me feel just as sexy as when we first started going out. He has helped my self confidence and self esteem no end!

As for bonding, I am still waiting for someone to knock on the door and tell me “it’s all a big joke, you have to give her back now!”. I hope it never happens and I am constantly amazed at this incredible little person that we have created together.

I happened across this website by chance and I am so glad I did. I immediately wanted to participate. I wasn’t shy about showing off my pregnant body (not to this extent I hasten to add!) but I was still very hesitant. I thought about doing ‘underwear shots’ but then decided I would bare all and go for the full monty! And how liberating! I have never ever taken nude photos of myself before and I am so glad I did. If my stretch marks, love handles and podgy bits make other ladies feel even a little bit better about themselves then I am glad I did it. Thank you!!

Photos attached are at 33 weeks pregnant and 4 months (18 weeks) post partum.

New Baby, Same Body (Kyra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

Age: 27
Months Postpartum: 5

I’ve been planning on this post for over a year. I visited this site frequently, before, during and after my pregnancy. I love reading all your stories. There is something I can relate to in each one. I think us women should remember that we are more alike than we are different. So I am honored to be able to share my baby/mommy story with others.

My husband and I became pregnant with our first daughter in November 2008. Naturally, it was one of the best days of my life. The first 14 weeks were a real nail-biter because I had had a miscarriage July 2008 at 12 weeks. During the first trimester I had daily ‘afternoon’ sickness. I’d have to veer my Jeep off the road coming home from work, swing open the door and, well, you know! Needless to say, I actually lost a few pounds. When that passed, I ate ravenously for the next 6 weeks or so and gained 20 pounds stat. My weight gain, and appetite stabilized for the remainder of my pregnancy and I gained about 1lb a week until the last three weeks when I gained nothing. The total was 35lbs on my 5’4″ frame.

I didn’t try to control anything during my pregnancy. I decided to let my body dictate what it wanted. I ate when I was hungry and went out for a walk when I felt like it (which was not very often :-). There was no exercise or nutrition regime. I tend to eat healthier anyways though I still indulged my cravings for Ben and Jerry’s and Cheetos. Two words to describe my pregnancy : sick and tired.

My sweet baby girl was born after 7.5 hours of labor. I labored for 5 hours at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was 10cm and ready to go. Trust me, that wasn’t planned. I didn’t expect my first pregnancy to progress that fast. I thought I had a good 14-16 hours or so! The nurses were debating having me deliver in triage. But my husband made them wheel me to a suite, which was a good thing because I spent the next 2 hours pushing. No progress! And NO medication! Mercifully, the attending doctor gave me the option of a forceps delivery which I readily accepted. When her head crowned, it was the most intense pain I have ever felt! No wonder they call it the ‘ring of fire’ :-) But it WAS kind of spiritual in a way and I’m glad it was there. A few minutes later my beautiful baby daughter Anna was born at 5lbs 15oz. I was on a ‘baby high’ for the next few weeks I was so happy! I honestly didn’t even get the baby blues.

I never got her to latch on without a nipple shield (&other reasons) so an Ameda double pump was my best friend for the next 3 months. I had to use nipple pads from the 4th month of pregnancy until I stopped breast feeding – leaking sucked. By the way, my breasts are not as perky as the sports bra in my ‘after’ picture makes them seem. I wish. That’s my biggest post-pregnancy body change.

At 3 months, after I switched to formula, I lost another 10lbs. Also around that time I began to lose my hair at a pretty alarming rate. I do have super long hair which is probably why it seemed so bad. But it has recently begun to taper off. Phew!

I love my daughter sooooo much! I never gave her a pacifier so she sucks on her ring&middle finger to soothe herself. She started sleeping through the night from 7pm-7am around 3 months and is eating 1st foods. I am so proud of her! I give her baths in the tub with me and she’d rather play with her shampoo bottle and the silver tub hardware, than her toys. She is such a joy! We definitely plan to have another child in a few years – I’ll keep you updated!

The 1st and 2nd pictures were taken at my 6th week, when I found out I was pregnant: 110 lbs, C-cup
The 3rd and 4th pictures were taken at my 38th week, a few days before I gave birth. You can really see the weight on my face and my wedding rings didn’t fit so they are around my neck: 145 lbs, D-cup
The 5th and 6th pictures were taken 1/29/2010, about 5 months postpartum: 105 lbs, small C-cup
The 7th and 8th pictures were taken when my daughter was 3 months old.

This is beautiful??? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 21 Comments

I don’t understand how many of you ladies can consider this as still being beautiful. I can’t stand the sight of my stomach…it is a stomach of a 90 year old woman on a 30 year old body. I am not overweight, I am happy with the rest of my body, but I just hate this stomach. Yes, I know that it is a stomach of a mother who has two children….but you know what…I don’t care…I don’t care what my body went through…it became something so ugly, so unreal to me! I can’t even feel comfortable during intimate moments with my husband, I have to wear something to cover up. When I bend down, my stomach skin or fat (whatever it is) just hangs down. I’ve never seen anything like this before…Here are some of my photos. The last one is of my hanging stomach when I bend down, lol. Thanks for listening!

AGE: 30
NUMBER OF PREGNANCIES AND BIRTHS: 2 PG, 2 BIRTHS
AGE OF CHILDREN: 3 AND 5

pregnancy weight gain, sex & fear (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

I found your site because I am 30 weeks pregnant and shocked that I am having such a hard time adjusting to my changing body.

I am 31 years old and this is my first pregnancy. My partner and I decided this July that we would stop using birth control. We were so in love and both felt like we couldn’t hold it back anymore. I think we both sensed the lifeforce of this baby straining at the gates we had placed up, desperate to burst through. Although we had only been together for 2 years in total with just over a year of living together at the time, neither of us had the strength or desire to resist this force any longer. Two weeks later we were pregnant! We were shocked and proud that it happened so quickly but mostly we felt really blessed. Although in some ways it would have been “easier” to have had a few months of trying-to-get-pregnant limbo to integrate the idea of a baby on the way and absorb the seriousness of what we were doing, I am well aware of how blessed we are to have had such an easy time conceiving this little being.

I have been really lucky to have had a seamless pregnancy. I was a little tired and a little nauseous initially, but it completely vanished at about 9 weeks, and then we heard the little heartbeat loud and strong at 10 weeks, which was a tremendous relief as I was really conscious of the possibilty of miscarriage. Otherwise my energy has been good and I am feeling strong and healthy. My uterus got really big really quickly–so much so that everyone was fussing about twins for ages. But then the pace of growth got on track, and tests showed that there was only one healthy baby. I have continued to grow at a nice steady pace, take my vitamins, and rub my belly with oils but mostly I have just felt like a completely normal person.

The worst part of this pregnancy has been what it has done to our sex life. We used to have a frequent, effortless and pleasurable sex life–but even more importantly, I used to feel that my partner truly
desired me. He would spend time on my body when we had sex, and demonstrate his attraction to me often–with deep kisses or crude comments or grabs at my body that I would chide him for but that also
delighted me. His desire for me delighted me.

Since I’ve been pregnant, the most frequently we have had sex is probably every 10 days and it has been as long as 3 weeks. Most of the times we do have sex it ends up feeling really unsatisfying as I feel like he is only doing it to please me as he knows how upset I am by this, and not out of his own desire. But even worse, his demonstrations of attraction and lust in our day-to-day interactions have vanished. He is still very loving and attentive to me, we have plenty of cuddles on the couch or in bed, and we easily tell each
other that we love each other as many as 20 times a day. We have more love between us than ever before, but the loss of the lust and sex has been a huge source of sadness and depression for me.

We have talked about this many times. He always says that he is still attracted to me, but I don’t believe it because I don’t see him acting on it. He also says that he is having a hard time wrapping his head around how much he loves me with a desire to have sex with me–as though sex is something dirty or negative that will tarnish me. To some extent, I am sympathetic to his own process of adjustment as our relationship changes as we become parents together, but I also want him to just grow up and realize that sex is normal and healthy and something two healthy adults that love each other can share. I wish it was as important to him as it is to me, and I wish he understood how much fear this gives me about the future of our relationship. I think sex and attraction are the glue of a relationship, and it absolutely terrifies me that we have lost it so soon—especially as we embark on this new challenge of parenting when we are going to need that glue more than ever. It just breaks my heart when I read women saying that their husbands “can’t keep their hands off them.” I so wish I had that.

This also makes me wish that we had waited longer in our relationship before having a baby. Even though we still love each other deeply, I feel very vulnerable in this relationship knowing that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. I wish we’d had more time with my old body and our old sex life to build a deeper foundation. I also wish there had been more time for him to really get to know and love me for all the non-bodily things about my personality and soul because I realize now that those things are what I really have to sustain his attention with. I know the true reasons he is with me are indeed all those non-bodily things, but I still feel so vulnerable. I can’t help but think that another year or two to enjoy and develop what we had might
have been better.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I have this gorgeous big belly that I astounds both of us. My breasts are huge and I know many men would be thrilled with them. These are both changes that I expected, and I
suppose that are socially sanctioned- even supermodels get a big belly & boobs. But lately I have started gaining weight on the rest of my body and noticing horrible new developments like cellulite, plus I have gained nearly 30 lbs already– and I am really struggling with this. Even though I am a midwife and deal with pregnancy every day, I honestly and sincerely never expected that I would gain excessively, or in places other than my belly & boobs. This scares me with an intensity that shocks me.

Obviously my insecurity about my partner’s attraction to me is probably a huge reason for why I am having a hard time integrating this. At this point, I have pretty much given up on forcing the sex issue as there is certainly nothing less attractive than someone demanding you find them attractive. But I feel like my hopes that he will be attracted to me again after the baby is born are dwindling with each pound and each patch of cellulite. I desperately want my man to be attracted to me again.

As well, I know that excessive weight gain is associated with all sorts of obstetrical complications that I really want to avoid both for myself and obviously for my baby, and that might prevent me from having the homebirth I have dreamed about since I was a teenager. I am mature enough to realize that if my dream homebirth doesn’t happen, then I am still blessed a million-fold to be having a beautiful baby with a man that loves me and is committed to me, but I can’t shake the sense of obstetrical doom-and-gloom that I sense as I see my legs ballooning so early on.

And the worst part is that I don’t know what I could possibly do to stop this weight gain from continuing. I eat well, have cut out sugar, walk an hour at a fast pace most days, and do yoga a couple times a week. I also try to swim a few times a week. This all feels 100% intuitively right to me–hitting the gym just doesn’t jive with my sense of what my body needs right now. So short of completely abandoning my intuition about how to take care of myself, there isn’t any room to “give” for me to slow this weight gain down. So I assume
my only choice is to just stand back and trust that my body knows what it is doing (and avoid looking at my ass in the mirror at all costs?). But how do I deal with the thoughts of panic I have when I see my
naked body? How do I deal with the thoughts about restricting my eating when I plainly know this is unhealthy and damaging to my baby? How do I accept my body and even better–learn to find the beauty in
the changes? I have been so lucky to have been blessed with a healthy body image, natural enjoyment of healthy food and exercise, and a metabolism that has let me pretty much eat whatever I want whenever I
want for my entire life up to this point. I know that most women have had to grapple with these exact questions long before they reach their 30s, and may have some of the answers before finding themselves
floored by these thoughts in the middle of their first pregnancy. But this is incredibly new territory for me and it makes me feel awful.