Submissions

Trouble Accepting My New Body (Aarica)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 2 Comments

Age~ 23
Pregnancy/births ~ 1 Pregnancy,1 birth
Postpartum- 7 months

I had just started dating my little guys dad six months before we found out we were expecting. It was a great moment for me and I’m sure him as well.
Before I met his dad I was in a long term relationship for 5 years with a different man and had planned on marrying him and having children with him, but it just never worked, I met Landon’s dad when I was working with him and we started dating. Everything about our first six months went fast, we moved in together a month after we started dating, six months later we found out we were having a baby.

The pregnancy was so easy we had nothing but good news the whole time, we decided we didn’t want to find out the sex and waited. It was hard for me I really wanted to know.
We went to every checkup and they all went well,I did start having some trouble with my sciatic nerve and I leaked a little of my fluid(nothing to worry about). Everything was perfect and I was so in love with the dad and baby. My parents and doctor were worried about after the baby if I could handle it emotionally because I have Bipolar, but had learned to cope with it and was even medication free for over 3 years so I wasn’t worried, but they were trying to look out for me you know parents.

I was nearing the end of my pregnancy and I was stating to get excited, I had my Birth Plan ready and the OB loved it and wanted to follow the plan as best he could, which made us so happy. My due date was Monday, July 13th, 2009 and when that was a week away the OB decided to book an ultra sound for Wednesday, July 15th, 2009 just in case I was late and I was. So when the 15th can I was so excited to see the baby at least that way so I could be sure everything was ok. The OB wanted to see the position of the baby so he could make a plan for that.

The night before the Ultra sound I seemed to have to pee a lot, but since I was over due I figured that was normal, but I was wrong it turns out my water broke and was leaking slowly and only when I had the urge to pee. The doctor sent me to the hospital and said by tomorrow you will meet the baby and we were so excited until we got there and they hooked me up to the monitor and I was in full labour and didn’t even feel the contractions I was told they were bad. I thought it was ok maybe it wouldn’t hurt like everyone said it would. They also noticed that everything wasn’t ok with the baby every contraction made the heart rate drop so they moved me to a room and said the doctor will be in, in just a min, he got there and did an internal and I had not dilated even one cm. Turns out my hips were fused together (reason I couldn’t feel anything) so he wanted a c-section(not what I wanted) but we did one and Landon was born at 8:58pm just in time to still share the same b-day as my brother.

They took him and finished with me. I met him almost 2 hours later and he was so cute and big 8 14.

But the next morning they said he had jaundice and need the NICU he was there for 3 days and had a feeding tube, so I had to pump and go to the NICU every 3 hours do they could force feed him 50 ml. nothing was going the way we planned, we finally left the hospital 5 days after he was born.

I hate my new body I was never tiny or skinny, but this is as big as I have ever been. Strange part is I only gained 15 pounds while pregnant. Now I sag everywhere and and the scar i know will fade but until then I don’t like looking in the mirror.

Pictures:

Black shirt 10 weeks pregnant, Dress and phone 40 weeks pregnant, front view of 7months pp, 2 scar views and side view all 7 months pp

My Mommy Body – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

This is an update to my March 2007 post.

I am 25 years old. I got pregnant with my daughter just 2 months after my previous post. My little girl is now 2, and my son is 3. I lost all of the weight from her. I am just 10lbs heavier than before we conceived my son. That 10lbs is just hanging around my midsection. Literally…hanging. The stretchmarks don’t bother me so much anymore, they’ve faded quite a bit. I just hate the saggy skin. I look at pictures of myself before I got pregnant, when I thought I was just sooooo fat. I often think to myself “Wow, I wish I was that ‘fat’ again!!”.

My boobs have unfortunately always been that large (36F at last fitting before kids). They grew consistently for 5 years in my late teens. I was horrified that they would just grow and grow throughout my pregnancy. Luckily they didn’t! I’m researching breast reduction at the moment and if our insurance will pay for the procedure. I have 3 vertebrae in my back that have no cartilage left between them.

I had a little devil tattoo on my lower tummy that I thought was adorable at 16. Well after 2 kids, he’s now permanently giving himself a BJ (see picture). These pics are 2yrs postpartum.

My Body After Baby (Tessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 8 Comments

I became pregnant and the age of 19 years old. Before I was pregnant, I was quite thin. I always had body image insecurities either way. Looking back at those photos, I find myself asking how I could have ever been displeased with my body pre-pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was 128 lbs. By the day of my induction, I was 198 lbs. Throughout my third trimester of my pregnancy, I often got asked if I was having twins. No, just one baby. One very large baby. My baby was born at 9 lbs 13 oz via cesarean section.

Although I was large, I was told numerous times that because I chose to exclusively breastfeed my child, that the weight would come off faster. Much to my dismay, the opposite was true. I was only able to breastfeed for a few months before my baby boy went on a nursing strike. I then exclusively pumped breastmilk until my baby was 6.5 months old. After I weaned myself from the pump, and thanks to the warmer weather and more walking, I finally started to get comments that I looked thinner. It wasn’t until I quit breastfeeding that I was able to lose weight. Right now I am at 160.5 lbs, 7 months post-partum. I’m running some, doing some ab workouts, but only when I can squeeze it in around taking care of my son.

But still, those comments about me looking thinner are made when my body is hid by clothing. My stretch marks cover my entire stomach, hips, thighs, and calves. My stomach doesn’t pouch out as much, but instead it went south. I have plenty of loose skin. To top it off, I have the c-section overhang.

Getting used to my new body is hard at times. I do truly really struggle sometimes. I don’t love my son any less; he was absolutely worth every stretch mark, every lb, and all the extra loose skin. I was so hopeful that because I was tiny before, that I’d loose the weight quickly. I was so hopeful that breastfeeding would help me lose the weight quickly, as everyone promised. But it didn’t. And although I still plan to exercise and try to be healthy, I know I need to learn to be comfortable with my body, knowing it looks the way it does know because it created my child. I’m not there yet, but I do have some good days. I may not be young and “hot”, but I am beautiful and my body is amazing for the sole reason that it created, housed, and gave birth to life.

I’m attaching an 8 weeks photo, 40 weeks pregnant photo,two 6 weeks post-partum photos(white sports bra), a few 7 months PP photos(pink bra and shorts), and a photo of the wonderful little life that is the reason for these photos

Updated here and here.

Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Piercing, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 8 Comments

Well I will try and keep this as succinct as possible though I do tend to ramble once I get going.

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant, unplanned and completely unexpected as I was on the contraceptive pill. I was 20, had been with my boyfriend a year (he already has a gorgeous little girl from a previous relationship, now aged 2 years and 6 months) and I had just been accepted to begin a university course in September 2009. Quite obviously I wasn’t ready to be a mum but at the same time I had always said even though I am one hundred percent pro choice that I don’t think I would ever be able to go ahead with a termination no matter what my situation was. To cut the story short, it turns out you can never say never and I did end up having an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant. I will still never be sure if I made the right decision but I am trying day by day not to dwell on that because there is no point stressing on things that can’t be undone. It took me a while to realise this however and about 6 months after the termination (June 2009ish) me and my boyfriend split up. This was mainly because the shame and the guilt that I felt and was keeping to myself was just constantly on the edge and I was pretty much a mess and a complete bitch to be with. I told him I felt like I was the only one that was hurting from all of this, and he didn’t support me and blahblahblah but really I just wasn’t letting him in and I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn’t see his.

Fast forward to September 2009 and we’re back together, thank god, because I realised what a good thing I was messing up and well, we love each other and that’s really all that seems to matter. Fast forward again to January 2010 and tada! I’m pregnant unexpectedly again (this time on the Depo injection). I cried, I’m sure he cried and we both thought about nothing else for a good 2 weeks straight before deciding that this had happened through all the odds, a second time around, and it must be for a reason.

I am now 22 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with the most lively little boy growing inside me and I am absolutely terrified but so excited to meet him. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been but I do find myself at least (!!!) once daily irrationally imagining that he is going to up and leave me as soon as the tiniest flea sized stretch mark appears on me. I am 5’1, very petite but with 32dd boobs (which are already up to an E cup, nooo!) and I’ve gone from 105lbs to 123lbs, so not a massive amount but being so tiny I just dont know how much my body is going to be able to handle! I have never liked my body, even though I have no reason, but various events (including the termination) have killed my self esteem and I am really really really trying to not stress and to just enjoy being pregnant because so far I am amazed and already completely in love with this little man that I haven’t met yet. This site and all your stories have made me realise that women are fabulous – look at what we do! – and I hope one day I can be half as inspiring to someone as you all have been to me.

Pictures are literally as of today, officially 24 weeks.

~Your Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 0 births yet!

Baby Mama (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 4 Comments

Age 23
2 1/2 Years and 6 months postpartum
3 pregnancies 2 births

I’ve always struggled with body issues and would sometimes get depressed and sick about it because I wanted to be the “best”. I was always thin and had a nice body even if it wasn’t “perfect”. I always looked forward to pregnancy and was so excited when I got pregnant, and I thought I had a realistic idea of what would happen to my body. I was expecting stretchmarks on my belly and breasts but in the end was covered boobs to calves, even a little on my arms. I didn’t think I was naïve about what would happen after baby, I knew it would take time and I would never be the same. I was pretty shocked when a year after baby while trying to be somewhat healthy I didn’t seem to lose a single pound. My next pregnancy was much easier and seemed more natural for my body.
Before getting pregnant I weighed 133 (had already gained weight) then I had a miscarriage which was early on but I could still feel some weight gain already and gained afterwards probably from being depressed. I’m not sure how much I weighed when I got pregnant or in the end but I stayed at about 170 or more. When I got pregnant again I weighed 155 and didn’t gain anything in the beginning and by the end only gained 15-20 lbs. I lost all the pregnancy weight by 2 days after the birth plus 5 lbs not long after. But now I’m stuck! My goal is 133.
Thank you so much Bonnie for this site, all you women are so beautiful!
In the one picture “mama nature” that’s a tree on my belly with the apples (of my eye). Its hard to see in this picture.

You don’t realize what you have, until it’s gone.. so old but so true (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Back, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

Age : 21
Number of Pregnancies : 1
Births : 1
Time Since giving birth : almost 11 months

I have been with my husband for over four years now. I got pregnant while we were still dating in 2009 when I was 20, and we got married shortly me after giving birth. Before I got pregnant, I was about 135lbs. I was 115-118 in high school but since graduation in 2006, I had slowly been putting on the pounds. So before I was even pregnant I needed to lose about 15 lbs. I had an awesome pregnancy. No issues besides having gestational diabetes. My son was 3 weeks early and weighed 6lbs 14oz, just shy of 7lbs. Not bad for a 3 week early baby.

Now I love my son more than I could ever describe in words or actions, but I do wish we would have waitied to have kids. Only for selfish reasons though. I didnt like my body before I was pregnant and now I hate it even more and would do anything to have my pre-preg. body back. I had such a smooth stomach. I just wish I would have appreciated my body more when I was skinnier and stretch-mark-less.

Anyways, I gained about 30lbs during my pregnancy. I got up to about 168lbs. Since having my son, I dropped 20 lbs easy, within the first 2-3 weeks. I have not been able to lose the extra 15lbs on top of that, PLUS the 15lbs i wanted to lose before I got pregnant. I have been stuck at 148 for the past 10 months…. Recently I got serious about dieting and exercising so i dropped about 8 lbs. Im now 140. 20 more lbs to go for my goal weight. It’s hard to do right now because I am still nursing and I have to eat to maintain my milk supply. I am one of the unlucky ones who hasn’t lost weight while breastfeeding, if anything, Ive gained here and there.

So I’m at 140 and counting. I got stretch marks everywhere you can imagine. boobs, belly, butt, thighs, back… ugh. You name it. I hate them. BUT I wouldnt change it for the world if it meant i didnt have my son. I want to be back at my pre-preg weight soo bad. I am trying and I will update with pics as I continue to lose weight (fingers crossed). Also, my boobs are huge. went from a small 34C to a 38DD… slowly getting back into a D. but I def. have saggy boobies for sure. I am just thick all over. I want to lose my love handles and my back fat and my leg fat. just an all over trim pretty much. 20 more lbs to go.

First pic is about a year before I got pregnant. So I was smaller in this pic than i was when I got pregnant.
Other pics are different views of me at 140lbs 10.5months post baby.

7 weeks postpartum…7 pounds to go (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

23 years old, first birth and first pregnancy
baby is now 7 weeks old

When I first found out I was pregnant I never thought of the impact a pregnancy could have on my body. I just could not imagine that I would have stretch marks and spider veins at my age…my mom has those not me! Well now I know that the reason why she has those is exactly because she is a mom. Well being a mom did change my body, I gained almost 40 pounds during my pregnancy, got a few stretch marks on my hips and spider veins on my legs.

Throughout my pregnancy I did not consider having a c-section, baby was head down, average size, nothing let me to consider that option but baby had other plans and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I didn’t want to have one really, I had been told that losing weight was harder after a c-section and so was the recovery but when the time came I just wanted my baby out.

I was very lucky and lost most of my weight very quickly and had a fairly fast recovery without any complications.

Not considering that my body might be changed forever during my pregnancy left me pretty shocked after the birth of my son when I first looked in the mirror. My breasts are unrecognizable and so is my belly. I only have 7 pounds left to be back to my pre baby weight but my clothes are 2 sizes bigger. I now have the body of a mother and I must learn to live with it.

NOW I must start working hard to get my body back to an attractive state (attractive to ME not to my husband). I don’t know how much work it will take but I am willing to work hard.

Updated here.

Size 16 Mom of 2 (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Back, Belly, Cesarean, Hypoplasia, Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT), Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, VBAC 17 Comments

~Your Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8 months pp
~Any key words (second pregnancy, plus sized mom, cesarean, etc): cesarean, VBAC, plus sized, second pregnancy, Hypoplasia, IGT

I have 2 children. They are 19 months apart. The youngest is 8.5 months old in these pictures. I started this pregnancy at 206lbs and now weigh 203lbs. I gained 26.5lbs but lost most of it within 3months. My body however, is not looking the same even though I am lighter now than I was when I got pregnant. I look bigger still even though the scale says I am smaller. I had a c/section with my oldest for “failure to progress” since I didnt know any better at the time. I had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after c/section) with my youngest…which took a HUGE weight off my chest. My body WAS capable of doing it! I wasnt “broken”!

I currently weigh 203lbs and am a size 16. I started working out 3.5 months ago and was a size 18 and 210lbs. I run 3.5-4 miles at a time, 4-5 days a week and do strength training 4-5 days a week as well. My calorie limit is 1700 a day. It is so frustrating to be doing all this and STILL look like I do. I hate the way I look. I hate the fat overhang that I have. I hate the back fat. I hate the fact that from the side, my boobs and belly fall in one straight line.

I was always active and thin…then I gained a bunch of weight during a stressful time in my life…got pregnant before losing any of it and then got pregnant again when my oldest was only 10 months. I refuse to be in pictures anymore. I just want to cry when I see them, so whats the point?

I hate the way I look. and I hate my stupid, deformed breasts. Not only at they ugly and small, but they dont even work! I am not breast feeding due to Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT – tubular hypoplastic breasts – I only produce about 8oz of milk a day MAX even with all the supplements, prescriptions, pumping, nursing round the clock, etc..). I will never have breasts that dont look deformed…I used to console myself with the fact that they serve a purpose and as long as they can feed your children then who cares what they look like….but I cant even feed my babies!

The first picture is me 3 months pp from my first. The second picture is me at 38 weeks with my second (delivered at 41w5d). The rest were taken at 8.5 months pp from my second.

My Story With Lily – Update (Marissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 3 Comments

Original entry here.

I have lost 76 pounds, 10 more to go. im right now a 140 lbs, but the new pics are when i was a 144 lbs. I have finally started my period and the weight is coming off quickly. Plus, i eat right and jog. so its been helping alot. i hope i end up in my pre pregnancy weight of 130 by summer. I hate my stretch marks still, they attacked everywhere and i see they only faded, but are still highly noticable. Also, i lost alot ofhel weight in my breast and thats bumming me out, i hate for them to sag. But im slowly loving my body, its difficult but im accepting it. I just want to feel sexy again i suppose. But the pictures of me in the red underwear was from about 4 months ago, and the one with the white/pinkish was taken about a a couple of weeks ago. Im still hoping to drop these last ten pounds! but i guess im fooling myself, in my mind i think that if i lose the last pounds, my stretch marks will disappear, my boobs would perk up and my flab will be flat again. but i just want to feel good in my own skin again. Im not sucking in with either picture. but thank you for reading! I love this supporting site. =]

From “Pro-Ana” to Post-Partum (Annie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, Postpartum, Submissions 26 Comments

Pregnancies-2 Births-2
14 months postpartum
25 yearsold
Daughter 3 years old Son 14 months

I went from worshiping this

042710-annie-1

to this

042710-annie-2

I suffered… uh.. have been suffering…well.. am struggeling against having.. ugh.. I HAVE an eating disorder. Kinda like … once and Alcoholic always an alcoholic… if im not very carefull I trip and fall flat on my face. Anorexia and bulima have been a contant companion, violent relentless enemy, savior and murderer to me for 12 years now. It began quietly… at first then before I knew it took over my whole life, my mind, my heart and my soul. It took me out and threw me in the trash and filled every part of my ever diminishing life oozing, and destroying, slowly killing me. I ended up at 19 in and out of the ER untill 20 when I was interventioned into treatment after 6 months and a whole whirlwind of drama i left treatment, I got married suddenly to an old friend from high school and with in 3 months we were pregnant. We… rather… I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted nothing more in life then to have a whole family, something that was truely mine. I wasnt ready … I didnt like the out of control feeling I had when my then pretty thin and in-shape body started to morph and change. With morning sickness so intense I had my very own room at the OB office for daily IV fluids. Morning sickness gave way back in to purging… back in to bulimia. Through the whole pregnancy I was bulimic. I was intensly asshamed and hated that I was hurting my baby but I had lost my self then. at 38 weeks they induced labor because of pre-eclampsia and 48 hours later my perfect daughter was born. She has some respritory complications but they were caused by a medication they gave me during labor to keep my blood presure down, not because of anything I had done. Praise God that she was okay. After a short stent in the NICU she came home healthy and happy and hasnt looked back since. I however was not happy. I loved my child Loved her soooo much! but I HATED my body. within a few months I gave way back to bulimia after troubles breast feeding and having to pump constantly I felt like a cow.. I felt like I looked like a cow and I couldnt stand it. At 9 months PP I ended up in treatment again at Remuda Ranch envying the girls with feeding tubes.. a few months later we got pregnant again with my son. This time I switched from Bulimia to Anorexia and 1 month into the pregnancy my husband deployed to iraq leaving me sick with morning sickness again and a VERY srong willed 1 yearold. needless to say things didnt go well. I lost 14 pounds before I gained anything…. 3 months later my husband was “Red Crossed” home because I was starving myself and my unborn son to death. I entered treatment again at a place in Florida and finally gained weight. I was 6 months pregnant and you could barely tell. One month after I left Florida I gave birth prematurely to a 6 pound baby boy. In contrast to the first delivery I had this one went smoothly and calmly and My Son had no complications even being a month premautre. He was tiny though and still is to this day.
Things have been different this time around. I dont have as much time to worry about my body I fall in and out of eating disordered behaviors but not quite with ther ferocity that I once had. I still hate my body. I really hate it.. And I hate the weight to height chart ratio things.. acording to it Im overweight… first time in my life! I had to stop playing Wii fit cause it was killing me inside to hear it tell me everyday.. “thats over weight!” ugh.
I know what my eyes see in the mirror isnt what everyone else sees but it’s still tormenting. I went from Unmarried and (sadly) pro Ana ( which is a “cultish” internet community that encourages eating disorders as a “way of life” instead of something that is life threatening and DISORDERED… ) to a married mom of two small children.
Beyond the body and eating issues I love my children and Im begining to love my life more and more everyday. After my son was born I had my tubes tied so that I couldnt have another pregnancy and put another precious life at risk. But.. in my heart I feel like there is a third child waiting to be born. And In time I pray that My loving and forgivning God in heaven will change me and prepare me to receive that child is it is his will one day. Hopefully in a healthy and natural way. My children keep my mind and my heart busy and as long as I am walking with God he keeps my soul busy too. And thus there should be no time for eating disorders… only passing glances in the mirror and a few tormenting moments thinking about summer seasons and bathing suits and what not.. but then a loving sweet voice calls out.. ” Momma… I need help… Momma.. read book… ” and I am called back to reality.. where it really doesnt matter what my body looks like.. Who cares! I am healthy… and my children are healthy ( thank God) and my husband who has weathered my “whole storm” has percivered and still loves me just the way I am, strech marks, sagging, wider hips and all.
One day… maybe I can feel the same way too, but for now.. I focus on what I do like. Like.. Im a kick butt mom! and I do a pretty good job at keeping the house clean, among MANY other things.. oh.. and I like my hair… lol…see it’s not all bad.
For the moms out there struggeling.. The thing I find the most helpful is to surround myself with strong women who arent ashamed of their bodies.. not that they love them or think they are prefect… but.. we are moms.. we have much to be proud of. I feel so inspired when I see a mom at the pool that isnt prefect but isnt hiding it.. CONFIDENCE>>> that’s attractive. no matter what you look like… yep.
Well that is all Im gonna give, too much to little… who knows. but thats the story of my body. Hope it helps someone!