Second Pregnancy

Breastless, disgusting and inadequate. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 28 Comments

Recently I’ve been feeling more and more self conscious about my breasts. I’ve tried hard to feel better about myself after large weight gains with my 2 pregnancies (4stone+) during each pregnancy. I lost it all after my second and went down to a size I was happy with. It’s slowly creeping back on. Weight is something I can control just about… what I can’t control is the feeling of disgust when I look at my breasts in the mirror. I don’t even fit into bras properly- i’m guessing i’m a 34AA… they’re horrible, saggy, flat, just plain disgusting. I wear push up bras but feel even worse when my husband tries to grab a feel … as all he gets is padding. I feel like I’ve let him down.

It’s demoralising, I feel like a fake woman, so unsexy and gross. I’ve seen him stare sometimes at other women, for only a few seconds, nothing major to most people but to me, it’s a reminder of what I can’t give him, what I want to give him – bigger breasts and being able to feel sexy and something he can be proud about when I’m with him (of course I know boobs aren’t everything but it feels like it sometimes). I just can’t shake it, it’s been almost 6 years, of constantly feeling jealous of other women, no matter how big their breasts are… mine are nothing in comparison. I have massive gaping holes between them, I have to constantly wear tops that don’t show cleavage as mine is a gaping hole, only supported by giant padded bras… when I take the bra off I’m flat and horrid. Even during sex etc, I feel like when he touches my chest- it’s so disappointing because there’s nothing there anymore. I would love to win the lottery and get surgery – I’ve even mentioned it to my husband- he doesn’t know how to respond- knowing he’s treading on egg shells as to how I would react whether he agreed or disagreed. I can’t mention the topic to him anymore because he denies looking at anyone else, he says it’s all in my head, that he doesn’t know what else he can do. I’m sure to some extent he’s right, but in other ways, I’m not hallucinating when I see him eyeing someone, even if by accident or however brief it may be.

I feel he’ll jump ship when he comes across someone who is happier with themselves, happy with life and with their body … I can’t seem to give him that. Since kids, I’m stressed, depressed, tired, snappy, jealous and feel worthless. I can’t see how my family love me for who I am as I don’t feel like i’m very nice to be around or look at. I’m tempted to go to the GP but I know they’ll only try and prescribe anti depressants which I’m not keen on doing- they won’t bring me new breasts. I was never large to start off with- an average 34 B and have always felt inadequate. I went to a massive 36E during pregnancy because I had put a lot of weight on. I’m 5″3 and at my heaviest when pregnant was 15 stone. (with baby inside!). I’m now 9stone 2 and ideally want to go back to 8st 7lbs which is what I weighed this time last year- but that’s a different story- it won’t help my lack of breast tissue. Any miracle cures to increasing breast size or just feeling better? I feel sick every time we are around other women, even family, thinking how much bigger they are in the chest area – how more attractive they are. I feel sick like I’m so disgusting without any breasts and so unsexy- I hate it. I’m even nervous about my husband going to work and meeting someone there because they’d have more to offer than me. That’s just breasts… stomach is another issue but I can cope with that much better, even if my belly button looks wrinkly and horrible- I can conceal that ok. Any advice greatly appreciated.

~Age: 33
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 and 3

I Feel So Alone (Harley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Tattoo 6 Comments

AGE: 25
3 pregnancies + 2 births

I have a 21 month old + a 2 month old both born by cesarean.

Ever since I can remember, my only want.. goal, passion.. What have you, was to be a mother. So naturally when I got pregnant with my daughter, I was over the moon. My pregnancy wasn’t so easy, and neither was my cesarean. Given all my issues, I healed up nicely and somewhat quickly. Not too long after did I find out that I was in fact pregnant again. This both pregnancy and cesarean was much easier. I had my beautiful baby boy, 2 months ago .. Almost to the day. I healed way better and way faster this time, which was a huge relief.

Now. I’m left with the aftermath of having two kids 19 months apart from one another. My body is what I like to call it, ” tore up from the floor up”. My belly still hasn’t gone down completely to where I still look pregnant and have had people ask me when I am due. Not only hasn’t my stomach gone down but I have terrible loose skin with stretch marks covering my belly. If I lean over, the loose skin will just bunch together and just hang. When I wear a pair of pants , you can see the bulging of the skin/fat below my underwear line. A pouch, if you will. My boobs, have definitely reduced in size and have become saggy, for sure. As it pains me to admit this and share with the world.. I even wear multiple bras, including stuffing them as well. It’s just horrible, makes me sick to my stomach. Everybody keeps reminding me that I just had a baby or that I’ve had two kids.. But it doesn’t make me feel any different. I see so many women who have bounced back so quickly to not even half of what I have goin on. I express my disgust and self consciousness with my LONG (10years) time boyfriend and he just repeats the same statements. I’ve caught him glaring at my belly a bunch of times but he would never tell me that I’m gross or right to feel the way I do. We have had sex and I hate having to take my clothes off. I won’t take anything from the waste up, off. Even when we are having sex all I’m thinking is how to hide my problem areas and that he couldn’t possibly be turned on by me. I find myself feeling bad for him that he doesn’t have the girlfriend with the nice body anymore. In my head, he only has sex with me because I’m there and it’s only a matter of time until he goes somewhere else for a better looking chick. Nobody is understanding how I’m feeling and I don’t know what to do. I even changed out of a summer dress that was fitting when it was 90 degrees outside because I noticed my stomach bulging and had caught him looking right at my stomach. I feel so far from attractive and so alone. I go online and I research plastic surgery all the time and fantasize about fixing all my problem areas, so I can feel pretty again. I do feel bad complaining about how I look ,like I’m some vain school girl.. I know a lot of other people have much bigger problems but I absolutely hate feeling this way. The only part that makes me feel somewhat better is that I know I have two gorgeous children to show for it. I just wish there was a pill or some magic rain dance I could do to fix this.

Thank You so much for reading!

I Feel So Wide and Disgusting (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 6 Comments

I’am 19 years old, I have two children ages 3 & 3 months both by natural vaginal births. My first (my son) was born when i was just 15 years old. Prior to my first pregnancy i was 160 pounds, it was a decent weight for my height which is 5’11”. On October 31st my son was born 5 weeks premature weighing 6lbs 15 1/2oz & i weighed 236lbs… By the time I became pregnant with my second child (my daughter) i had only lost a total of 16lbs (220lb) from my first pregnancy. To me this was horrible because i knew with pregnancy comes more weight. My daughter was born two weeks early weighing 7lbs 15.7oz & i was weighing 263lbs. My children are so beautiful & i’am forever grateful for them but i’am just so disgusted about what my body looks like.

Mommy of 2 Cesarean-Born Girls (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: 25
2 pregnancies/ 2 births
4 years and 3 years

My two beautiful little toddlers were born 14 1/2 months apart. I had lost all but the last ten pounds of my pregnancy weight when i became pregnant again. I was happy with my weight, as I was very petite prior to becoming pregnant and my body needed the extra pounds. Although my stomach did had a small pooch above my csection scar, I was still very happy with my body, happy to have those extra pounds that i so wanted before. I was however devastated that my baby had been born by cesarean when it absolutely was not necessary, and I very much wanted to deliver vaginally, so I felt I did miss out on the life changing experience even if it was very painful. I chose a different doctor for my second pregnancy, and I was very happy with this doctor. I explained my csection experience to her and told her that i preferred to deliver vaginally, she was very accepting of going with this option, however keeping the thought of csection open as it could be easier and of course safer for myself as well. Towards the end of my pregnancy I did decide to go ahead with a cesarean birth again as to avoid any unnecessary complications, and I came to peace with my choice. Everything went great, and i recovered just as quickly as the first delivery, except that the birth control i used did make the weight slower to come of this time around. I’m finally just 5 pounds heavier than my pre pregnancy weight after the first child. And i love my womanly curves, its very liberating to have the curves i so wanted as a young adult that i couldn’t get if I had eaten an elephant. However the pooch just above my scar is a bit bigger than before and it keeps me from truly being comfortable with my body. I know this is the same story as every other woman on earth, but i truly feel had i never had a cesarean delivery the first time around my pooch may not be so pronounced, my muscle would not be so weak in that area. And finally I would have had that one most special experience of giving birth to my child/children as God intended.

Learning to Live (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 4 Comments

2 nd baby 7 months postpartum

I had worked up courage after my first to post on here . My body is now changed a second time with the birth of my son . I have diastasis recti and an umbilical hernia that I managed to help a bit with exercise . Some of these pics are 2 months postpartum and before I started the mutu workouts . I’m still about 15 pounds over my goal weight and do not feel attractive anymore . I feel like a box . My boyfriend poked fun at my high waist bikini knowing id never wear a normal one with my belly hang . I wish there was a way to tighten skin. I’m learning to live with it though and love the beautiful children I have made .

Mommy of 2 Beauties (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Widow 7 Comments

I had my first daughter three years ago at 18 years old and with my pregnancy with her is where my marks come from. My second I didn’t get any, but I have been widowed due to my hubby having a car accident when I was 2 months pregnant , our second is now 7 months old.. Needless to say I have fell for a guy whos been there for us and I’m terrified for him to see my body, when that time comes, in fear of what he may think… Do you think a belly ring might help a lil? BioOil, ect???

39 Year Old Mother of 2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Tattoo 5 Comments

Your site has been such a powerful, positive influence on me. I am a 39 year old mother of 2 amazing boys, ages 3 and 1. I have spent so much of my life at war with my body. I now think back to when I was a much younger size 4-6 and how I felt “fat” back then! Maybe it is wisdom from age, motherhood or a supportive partner but I am finally starting to make peace and accept my figure. After giving birth to my sons my stomach and thighs never really returned to their former prepregnancy state. I am fuller, curvier and softer now that I have ever been. Granted, sometimes the size of my jeans gets me down and the scares on my tummy haunt me but overall I feel like I am finally getting to a point of self love.

Mother of Three (Amerie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Complications in Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Twins 3 Comments

2 pregnancies; 3 children; 3 months PP

I have lived 27 years. I have 3 beautiful children, a 3 year old boy and 12 week old identical twin daughters. I have an adoring, sexy husband whom I love. We have a healthy and whole relationship that makes me proud and happy.

I grew up with severe body issues. I was born with cleft lip and palate. I also had 2 open heart surgeries for a congenital heart defect by the time I was only a year old. I’m no stranger to body insecurity. I am used to being self-conscious and hyper-aware of my scars. After having my son and gaining 51 lbs on my 5 ft. frame during my first pregnancy, I thought my body was destroyed. It took me a full year to lose the weight and another year to get fit and in shape. 3 months after that? I was pregnant again. I went into this pregnancy a little disheartened, thinking that I had just got my body back and it was about the be put through the ringer again. Surprise! I was pregnant with twins! Total and complete shocker. The pregnancy was incredibly hard on my body and my mental faculties. I was put on bed rest at 24 weeks, hospitalized with the flu and pneumonia at 30 weeks, diagnosed with Obstetric Cholestasis at 31 weeks, and finally delivered with an emergency c-section at 35 weeks, 5 days. My body was a wreck. My girls were both in the NICU. *I* was a wreck. Thankfully, they had no issues bar learning to eat on their own, so they were out within a couple weeks.

Obviously, I want my son to treat women well, to hold them in such high esteem and regard and to never make a single one feel shamed for their bodies. But it wasn’t until I had my own daughters that I realized that *I* was going to be responsible for something. Something huge. I will show my baby girls what it means to be a woman. What it means to be self-confident and what it means to really love yourself and the skin you’re in. Or I will show them how to tear themselves and other women down. I will give them the tools to cry while looking at their bodies in the mirror and wishing that what they saw was different. It was all left up to me, completely my choice. I made it without hesitation. My daughters will have a Mother that is strong and capable, one that has embraced herself, ALL of herself. I will teach them how to stand tall and to mean it; and I will speak to them of the absolute importance of uplifting others.

First? I had to begin to walk the walk, so to speak. I have been working towards just that. Clean eating. Healthy living. Working out. Being active. Being better for my children and our family. For myself. I still have a ways to go, as I am only 3 months PP. I also have a 3 inch diastasis recti separation that I’m not sure what to do about at this point. But I’m not really worried about it. I am embracing myself, all of myself. And it feels good. :)

Pictures L-R: 2 months PP and then 3 months PP (before/after with one month of extremely hard workouts and dieting). My beautiful girls. My precious little boy.

Feeling Hopeless (Brandie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 30
Pregnancies: 2
Children: 5 yrs old and 11 months

I just turned 30 years old and I have two beautiful boys, one being 5 and one 11 months. I have always been relatively small throughout my life, so the changes that my body has encountered over the last 6 years have made me depressed. My first born was 8 pounds 3 ounces and his delivery was natural, though he gave me third degree tears. Last year I got pregnant with my second child and about 30 weeks along the doctor said I was measuring rather large and sent me for an ultrasound to get the his measurement, there I found out they predicted him to be 10 pounds 11 ounces. The doctor suggested that a c-section would be the best route considering the tearing that happened with the first. I ended up going into labor early and still had a c-section, he was 10 pounds 1 ounce. Needless to say, I was not expecting my body to look quite like it does now. But don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was not going to be small right after either. I wore that belly binder for two weeks and the doctor told me to take it off. I did. And since then I have been embarrassed and well downright depressed. I started working out, lasted a 1 1/2 months before I said forget it. The only parts of me that were getting toned were my legs and butt, nothing helped my stomach. It still sticks right out. I have been asked 5 times if I am pregnant. I am not sure what I can do to loose it, or slim it down at least. I don’t mind a little pooch but this makes me feel like I am 4 months pregnant. My belly is hard and when you press on it, it bounces back at you. I am not sure what to do, I have lost all of the baby weight and am the exact same weight I was prior to my second pregnancy. Any ideas would be great on how to make this go down.

First picture is when I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first born.
Second picture is me 16 weeks pregnant with my second.
Third picture is me 35 weeks with my second.
Fourth picture is me 11 months postpartum from my second.

Facing Forty (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Eating Disorder, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 8 Comments

Age: 39
Children: 2, ages 10 and 5

I have had a love/hate relationship with my body for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a fairly volatile home – my bio dad passed away when I was very young and my mother remarried when I was six. My step dad and I always had a tenuous relationship – we fought a lot and he was quite verbally abusive – physical as well. I grew up hearing about how ugly, stupid, rotten, ungrateful and horrible I was. I believed every word. As I got older, I felt out of control and unloved in my own home. However, I learned early on that I could control one thing – my food and my body. I became obsessed with staying thin. I am a small person (only 5’2″) and have never thought I was thin (or good) enough. When I was in junior high I started dieting (though to be honest I remember watching my weight as early as 4th grade) and by high school I pretty much stopped eating. I would subsist on gum. I realized that I was only hungry if I actually ATE something – so I avoided food and tried to make it on as little as possible. I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder per se – but then again no one really knew the extent that I was avoiding food. On the flip side – when I finally did eat – I would binge. Entire boxes of cookies, or bags of candy – falling into a cycle of fast food and junk. Eventually I would begin to gain weight and I would start the process all over again. When I reached college age and moved out of the unhealthy environment of my parent’s home – I started to eat A LOT and gained quite a bit more then the freshman fifteen. I was traumatized and decided things were going to be different. So I cut back on the junk and began to exercise. Exercising changed my life. Unfortunately, I become obsessed with that too. If I thought I was going to miss an day of exercise I would become depressed. I restricted my food and increased my exercise. I was very thin – but it was never thin enough. I followed this pattern well into my twenties. Then I got pregnant. I gained quite a bit of weight quickly only to miscarry around 9 weeks. I was devastated – the loss of the pregnancy coupled with the weight gain completely set me off. I spent several weeks working out like crazy and eating little to regain control. I then got pregnant for a second time about 3 months later – and this one stuck. I gained almost 50 pounds with my son and it took me many many months to lose it. As soon as I could I started exercising again and making terrible food choices – lots of junk with salt and sugar. I finally lost the weight and got back to my pre-baby size – I felt really good about myself. While I was never able to truly kick my food/exercise cycle I was able to go about my life without constantly worrying about my appearance and what others thought. Five years later I had my second child and went through the same process as the first. I returned to the gym and took my first exercise class when my daughter was exactly 8 weeks old. I only felt in control at the gym – the rest of my life was a disaster with two kiddos, a husband that worked constantly and a touch of postpartum depression. Despite all of this, I quickly lost the 40lbs I gained with my daughter. I was so proud to put on my bikini that summer (i was 35) and show that I still had it. That was until I received an email from a girlfriend that said “women our age shouldn’t wear bikini’s – they look good on NO ONE.” I was immediately chastened and from that moment on never wore a bikini again. It was like someone had taken every insecurity I had and put it on display for the world to see. “I am fat, ugly and have been making a fool out of myself at the pool for the past 5 years.”

I wish I could say I walked away from that email and followed my own path – but I didn’t. I actually lost hope – stopped exercising – and decided she was right. I was old, fat and ugly – why bother. I gained 10lbs (which is a lot when you are short) and just felt discouraged. I spent a summer lounging at the pool in my tankini wishing I hadn’t spent the 10 years prior looking a fool in my bikini. However, this was not me. I went back to the gym, got healthy and lost the extra 10lbs and a few more. I felt better about myself. I felt almost (which is huge) in control of my eating and exercise. I felt like I could be thin, be healthy and NOT be obsessed. I will be 40 in July and feel like I am finally reaching a place where food and exercise do not control me. Don’t get me wrong – I still work out 5 times a week and watch what I eat – but I don’t let those things run my life. If I miss an exercise class or eat too much food I don’t spend days obsessing over it – I move on and realize that tomorrow is another day to make better choices. I recently traveled to Mexico with my family to celebrate some big milestones – my upcoming 40th birthday included. I felt happy and at ease with myself and my body – and purchased a new bikini for the trip. Maybe my girlfriend was right – and a women of my age shouldn’t be showing what two kids and a lifetime of gravity does to a body – but then again – maybe she was wrong. I had my husband take some pics of me just so I could remember what I looked like on this trip – and see the fruits of my labor – the Zumba, the Kickboxing, the Toning – and most importantly to realize that no – I’m not 20 – but I still look pretty darn good. I’m proud of myself – of my body – and the steps I’ve taken along way to minimize my bad choices and not let food or exercise (or really – what anyone else thinks) run my life. So – here I am – in my bikini at almost 40 – ready to share with the world my journey. Thanks for giving me a voice – even if I’m not quite ready to show my face. :-)