Postpartum

8 Months Postpartum (Pamela)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

8 months postpartum.
20 years old
1 pregnancy and 1 birth.

My daughter is eight months one week and one day. I’ve been having a lot of issues with my body. I still have dark pink stretch marks all over my stomach, hips, lower back, inner thighs and breasts. they’ve lightened some since delivery. but not much. i was 185 before i got pregnant. and was 245 ish when i delivered. i am now 228 and cannot lose it. and ive been really struggling with it. I love my daughter more than anything. and would not trade my life with her for anything in the whole world. But i’m only twenty years old. and i want to have a twenty year old body. I mean. i would settle for twenty five considering the way things are now. i tor a disc in my spine during the delivery and it has kind of limited the things im able to do. not to mention i haven’t really felt like I’ve even had time to work out until recently. starting right now i am turning my opinion of myself around. I’m going to work really hard to get back down to my prepregnancy size. and I’m going to start trying to love my body more. because i realize now that im not the only one having these problems. I am on a mission to re-find myself and to start loving myself again!

1)Me the week before giving birth.
2) My little angel at six months.
3)Me extra pregnant. about a month before delivery.
4) Daddy, Baby, Me six weeks post partum. still the same size now. Daddy’s first diaper change he was on leave from a deployment.

Scarred for Life (Judith)

Bonnie (SOAM) 20+ Years Postpartum, Art, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 22 Comments

In 1991, my then 73-year-old mother visited me in Paris for my 36th birthday.
She’d made the long journey from the Dutch countryside by train, and while brewing a cup of tea, I drew her a bath.
Unable to get out of the tub she called for help.
While I’d often seen NIta in the nude as a child, it had been 30 years since I saw her completely undressed.
“Now you’ve seen it all,” she said, no doubt in response to my gaze.
She caught me taking in the slack, creamy skin of her deflated stomach, the nearly hairless pubes and surprise, surprise, her, our, my labia.
Would my body be like hers, I wondered.

A year later I was about ready to give birth.
Throughout my pregnancy I had continued my yoga practice and Jane Fonda’s exercises for pregnant women.
Fonda created the book with a midwife, who in the last chapter warned against the danger of a vaginal breech delivery.
Our breech baby Ariane Eira suffocated, just like the midwife described, during the last five minutes of her birth.
The past nearly 18 years it seems I’ve attempted to keep my stomach round, filling the empty skin, not wanting to view or face the emptiness.
The ten years following our loss I got pregnant four times, each pregnancy ending in a miscarriage.
After a “missed abortion” in 2003, I decided to stop trying to have another baby.
No longer trying to have a family, I focused on what we, my husband and I, had and could have together, just the two of us.
We got a puppy. I remember the moment I felt her heartbeat on my chest, a subtle reminder of earlier loss.

These days I’m working with a personal trainer to get back in shape, I enjoy the rediscovery of a former self.
As the fat burns away and my muscles tighten, the empty belly remains,
Other than that there’s the seldom shared, elongated scar on my perineum, which unlike the scars on my heart, is another visible proof of my motherhood.
My mother and I, so alike in so many ways, except for the daughter she got to see grow up and I had to let go before I could feel her heart beat outside of me.

55 (in November 2010)
6 pregnancies, one birth
18 years postpartum
child-loss
Collage “Starlight” ©Judith van Praag
illustration from Creative Acts of Healing: after a baby dies https://www.dutchessabroad.com/paseo-press/

111210-judith-1

Was it All Worth it? (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Adoption, Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Teen Mom 16 Comments

Age-20
Number of pregnancies-2, One birth, One abortion
Post Partum 4 years

My story starts at the age of 15. I met my first love at my sophomore Homecoming Dance. I was dancing with a guy friend of his when he came up and starting talking to us. I immediately thought he was cute. He was two years older which also apealed to me. We danced and at the end of the dance i got his number. We started dating a week later and i lost my virginity to him 4 days after we started dating. I was very naive to have sex so soon. He used protection at first but after awhile we stopped. We were very much in love or atleast at the time we thought so. After dating for a litlle over 2 months i found out i was pregnant. I actually found out when i went to the doctor with my mom to get on the pill. I was very upset by this but i had my family and my boyfriends support. We considered abortion but ended up not doing it and we decided to give the baby up. As the months progressed we started feeling the baby move and decided we couldn’t part with him or her. We soon found out it was a she and were very excited. My boyfriend was great and spent every minute with me that he wasn’t working. We decided before she was born to name her Isabelle Corrin. I was 102lbs and 5’3 before i got pregnant and by the time i had her i was 148lbs. I got strethc marks everywhere and being young and naive i thought they would just disapear after she was born. She was born on September 15th 2006. The next two months were miserable. Her father and I split up temporarily and there was complete chaos. After a month and a half of trying to be parents we realized we weren’t fit to be parents yet. I was 16 and he was 18 and we weren’t accomplishing our goals and we were both very depressed. We told our family we were going to give her up for adoption and of course they were upset. We were as well because we did love our daughter. We ended up giving her up legally to her fathers aunt and uncle who already had 3 children and were great parents. That was final in March 07, but we handed her over to them in November 06. In december of 06 my boyfriend and the babies father joined the National guard. And with the stress of the adoption and fear for him having to deploy i packed back on the 20lbs i had lost right after the birth. When he left for basic in June of 07 i was 142lbs i worked hard over the 4 months he was gone to get down to 130. It wasn’t easy for me to lose weight and i wish i would have lost more that summer. Over the next two years i stayed around that weight and was very insecure and that caused alot of problems with my ex and i. We ended up breaking up around our 3 year anniversary. After the break up i lost 10lbs and was at 120lbs. I was very happy with how i looked and for months i maintained that weight until i got pregnant by a guy i had been serious with for 4 months. I was pregnant 9 weeks before i had an abortion and ended up gaining 10lbs in that 9 weeks. So once again i was really insecure. Ended up staying with that guy for 5 more months after the abortion until i met my wonderful fiance. He is great and i love him so much! But i still struggled with my insecuriets even though he always gave me compliments. Took me like 10 months into our relationship to actually feel confident. I lost 17lbs and got down to my lowest weight of 113. I am now 115-117 depending on the week of my cycle. I still have some insecurities but not as much. I am going to start exercising to tone up my body more in these next 8 months my fiance is deployed. We have lived together for the last year and been together 15months. I love him to death and hope he comes home safelly. He will finally be out of the guard when he returns.

It’s Not Luck (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

age: 22
2 pregnancies/2births
23 months and 4 weeks

Hi. My name is Ashley and I’m 22 with 2 beautiful girls. Before I got pregnant with my first daughter I was working out regularly and at my heaviest (in my life) had weighed 145 at 5’5. I was closer to 140 when I got pregnant and only gained 28lbs. My weight gain wasn’t really by my choice. I was very sick in the beginning and ended up losing 10lbs first. I bounced back fairly quickly (weight wise) but knew my body would never be the same. I had some stretch marks but nothing crazy. It only took me a couple months to get back to my weight of 140 but I looked bigger thanks to skin. Shortly after my first daughters 1st birthday I had to have my appendix removed and was shocked when I was told I was back at 160! I vowed then and there to lose the weight and NEVER be that heavy again if I wasn’t pregnant. A month and a half later I was still 160 and found out I was pregnant with my second. I dreaded how big I’d get. I was terrified of being bigger than I was with my first (168). By 20 weeks, I had lost so much weight from being extremely sick (throwing up about 3 times a day, every day) that I was only 145lbs. I didn’t want to eat after how sick I’d been. I was forcing myself to eat half a meal and then feeling sick. People kept telling me how great I looked and how small I was and all I wanted to do was say “yeh but at what cost?” The day before my daughter was born I weighed 166, putting me at a 6lb weight gain. She weighed 9lbs 4ozs. I came home just over 150. Now at 4 weeks pp, I am 145. People keep telling me how great I’ve done with the weight loss and commenting on how fast I bounced back. Everytime they say anything I want to say “Yeh, but I couldn’t eat without getting sick for 12 weeks. I’d rather be bigger.” It’s not luck that I’m thin I’m not thrilled with how I look but I’m not ashamed. I love my girls and my body is a testiment to what I’d do for them. Everytime I look down and see my stretchmarks, I smile, because it reminds me of when my girls that I love so much.

Pics- 40weeks pregnant, 2days pp, and 4weeks pp

Update – I Had My Baby! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 7 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 1/2 weeks postpartum

My previous entry is here – Since then, I’ve had my baby! The day that I turned 36 weeks my water broke. It was about 6 am. We had gotten to the hospital within 10 minutes since we knew that my cerclage would need to come out. My doctor came in and immediatly got set up to remove the stitch. This is a procedure that is usually not painful at all, but sadly, for me it was. The doctor tried and tried but the stitch was embedded into my cervix and the pain was excrutiating. The doctor gave up and it was off to the OR for a C section. My baby was born on September 28, 2010 at 10 am. He weighed 6 lb 4 oz and was 18 1/4 inches long. He is a good size for preemie! We had a 5 day hospital stay because of the C section and the baby was a bit jaundice. He is home now though and is doing great! I truley love him more than anything in the world. I am breastfeeding and it’s really been rough on me but I am doing my best and baby is gaining weight! It’s been two and a half weeks postpartum and I’ve gone from 152 pounds down to about 130. I am almost at my prepregnancy weight but my stomach is still flabby with stretch marks. I have that stupid little flab that hangs over the C section scar. Oh well.. it was all worth it for my little man. I have lots of pictures here for ya :) The first is my last pregnancy photo at 35 weeks.. I was huge!, the next is my boyfriend holding our little boy after my C section, the next is my first look at my little guy.. so in love!, next is my little guy!, then it’s me about 2 1/2 weeks postpartum, and then a picture of my lovely stretch marks!, and last is a picture of me and my little man. Thanks for reading! :)

Your First Home (Proudmama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Update 23 Comments

Previous entry here.

I didn’t intend on updating so soon, but something happened that I wanted to share.

First of all I come here regularly because I feel like I’m a part of something when I read your stories. Some of your stories I relate to more than others, some stories make me want to cry because I either want to reach through the computer and hug you or because I can’t believe how beautiful you are, and if you don’t like your body, what would you think of mine…

It’s been a tough couple of months on a lot of different levels and I feel that although I’m still losing weight and inches, it only makes my skin sag and “hang” more. But I do feel healthier so that’s gotta count for something.

But here’s what I wanted to share with you, to reminds all of us of what really matters.

The other day I was sitting on the floor and playing with my daughter (who will already turn 1 year old very soon and is starting to walk) and I found myself wanting to cry at the sight of the roll of belly fat hanging in front of me. I was pinching the skin and moving it around distractingly. My daughter walked over and kneeled down next to me and put her little hand on my belly and she pat it lovingly. I looked up into those big blue eyes and that big gap toothed grin of hers and I did find myself crying, but not of sadness. I couldn’t believe that almost a year ago, this little girl was resting inside of me, kicking her little heels eager to come out. And now there she was, walking and smiling and caressing my belly from the outside.

That night I opened the baby book that I’d been too busy to pay attention to and found the section titled Your First Home. There I pasted three pictures, one of before I got pregnant, one of my big pregnant belly and the third one of my belly in its current state, and underneath I started writing:

“The first picture is of Your First Home before you moved in. It’s like a brand new house with new furniture that still has the paint and new carpet smell. Sure it looks good but you’re afraid to touch anything for fear of breaking something and it doesn’t feel like you home.

The second picture represents all those years you spent in that house, molding it to your liking making changes, building memories. Sometimes it gets cluttered and messy and crowded and it might have lost that brand new house appeal but it smells homely and it’s comforting.

That last picture is like a beloved house after you’ve decided to move out because it doesn’t suit your needs anymore. You say goodbye to it with a heavy heart but you know that you need to move on. Who knows, it might just suit somebody else one day. Before you leave though, you take a good look at it. A brand new house it isn’t anymore. The paint is chipping, the carpets are dirty. To a casual by-stander it might not look that great, but you know better. That house is beautiful to you because it has been lived in. Laughter has echoed in its wall, maybe some tears have been shed too, but mostly it’s Love that you can feel in its foundation.

My dear daughter, when I look at this belly that was you very first home, I smile. Every line, every wrinkle, every mark is there because you decided to choose me to be your mommy. Maybe one day I will give you a brother or a sister and they too will leave their own personal story on my belly. And I hope that one day, if you so desire, you will be blessed with a baby of your own and that you too will have the privilege of becoming someone’s First Home.”

Your bellies might be scared, deformed and wrinkled but they were your precious children’s first home and that’s something to be thankful for. It doesn’t make everything better I know, but it puts things in perspective.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Peace to you and yours

~Proudmama

Pictures are 11.5 months postpartum.

Updated here and here.

Stretch Marks 101 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Number of pregnancies – 1
Pre preg weight – 118
Height – 5 7
Ending weight – 160
post preg – one year and a month

I have payed soooo much money to get rid of the hideous stretchmarks. Im talking thousands. no FRACTIONAL laser has worked for me…. trust me im living proof ive done 9 or 10 treatments. chem peels.. cremes you name it! I am currently flying to california to try this laser that was shown on dr oz. Its a erbium laser used by dr ourian. My marks are very extreme and everywhere from bottom, inside thighs, breast, stomach, flanks and hips. EVERYWHERE. note – these use to be very crater like but they have gotten better. I lost all weight with exercise but the marks haunt me .. I cannot wear a bathing suit. im constantly looking at them to see if they are better then yesterday. I think about them everyday. I never look at myself naked in the mirrior. I know it will just put me in a bad mood. Ill post pics after three more treatments with this laser. It has done improvements I dont currently have any before pics but here are some currently and ill post some more after I finish three more treatments.

BTW – sally henson bought at cvs . walgreens spray on panty hose stuff is miracle worker! get your color and spray in palm and RUB! rub rub rub and it looks covers lotttttts of the flaws =) makes me feel good anyways

Motherhood Shaped Me (Joni E.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

~Age: 36 years old
~Pregnancies: 5 pregnancies/4 living children (one fetal demise at 21 weeks)
~Childrens ages: 15, 12, 10 and 5 weeks

Highest non-pregnant weight: 183
Weight 3 months prior to pregnancy (lowest adult weight): 125 (I put on 20 lbs before becoming pregnant at my husbands request)
Weight just prior to pregnancy: 144
Weight at time of delivery: 195
Weight now: 167

My story begins 16+ years ago with the loss of my first precious baby. I had difficulty becoming pregnant and was devastated when I lost the pregnancy at 21 weeks. I always appreciated my body and was thrilled when I became pregnant again. I was surprised when my doctor mentioned my stretchmarks being so bad. The grew and grew until they reached the top of my belly. After my daughter was born I was alarmed at the way my body looked. I didn’t recognize my belly anymore. My breast were large and sagging but I was so grateful to have her I didn’t care. I eventually began to realize and then somewhat resent that I couldn’t get my pre-pregnant body back.

Fast forward 4 years and 2 more children. Once the children were older and I had more time to focus on myself I began to really be critical of my body. I was going to school full time to become a RN and working as well. I was eating poorly and not exercising. I was unhappy with myself and my life. Once I graduated nursing school I weighed the most I’d ever weighed at 183. I lost 60 pounds and began marathon training and working out in excess. I was pushing myself to the limit, at one point even breaking my leg and continuing to run despite the pain. I was very proud of my new physique, yet when I looked in the mirror I could see flaw after flaw. Before my breasts were saggy, now they were small. Before my tummy was fat, now wrinkled. I took a step back to evaluate my life and realized the answer was not to be found on the scale or in the gym but in myself.

I changed my life completely. I separated from my husband and then reunited with a man I had known since 6th grade. We fell very deeply in love and quickly began a relationship. We decided to have a baby. He requested that I gain weight prior to becoming pregnant as he felt I was too thin. I had to agree. We became pregnant very quickly and enjoyed my pregnancy. He loved my pregnant body. I gained 50 pounds during the pregnancy. I’d occasionally fear the weight I’d have to lose after the birth but I enjoyed my body and what it was doing in a way I never had before. He and I decided to have our baby at home, something I had wanted to do with my 3 previous births but did not have a supportive spouse to help make that possible. I gave birth in a birth tub in our kitchen, surrounded by people I loved. It was the best day of my life. Ella weighed a huge, healthy 10 lbs and 6 oz. Her birth empowered me in a way I had never felt empowered before. I felt strong, capable and beautiful (her long birth story can be found here).

Now 5 weeks after her birth I love this sweet baby more than I can describe. And I respect my body in a whole new way but I don’t recognize it in the mirror. I have huge 38DD breasts again and my tummy is back to looking like it did when I had my third baby (10 years ago). I worked so incredibly hard for the shape I had before I became pregnant with Ella, to the point of obsession. It was difficult to admit that my happiness did not depend on if I wore a size 14 (my current size) or a size 4. But yet in these first weeks PP I told my husband I felt like I needed to look like I did before this birth because if I did not it was like false advertising. After all, he didn’t marry 167 pound me. What he said really made me pause to appreciate myself: He said, ” I wish when you looked at yourself you could see what I see. You are so sexy. You are beautiful. Inside and out. I love your body. It made our baby. I love you and just want you to love yourself too.” And I believe him and I do love myself.

We are so pressured by society to look a certain way. We’ve been conditioned to believe that beauty is skin deep. We feel like if we were a certain size or weight we’d be happy. We feel like we need to have plastic surgery to get “back to the way we were” before having babies. Fix our breasts. Fix our bellies. Fix ourselves. When we are not in fact broken. What we should be doing is celebrating and appreciating the amazing things are bodies do to make our babies and that we can make babies at all!

I’m so proud of all the women on SOAM willing to bare their bodies and souls for the sake of truth and beauty.

Photos included:
1. Pre-pregnancy after losing 50 pounds on WW (me in the stripes, my baby sister in the hearts)
2. at 37 weeks pregnant with my husband
3. smiling in labor at 40 weeks 5 days (tie dye sarong)
4. Us at our wedding (me 36 weeks pregnant)
5. Ella at 3 weeks
6/7/8. me now 5 weeks PP front/back/side

Tied to the Past (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

I’ve only had one child,only one, she may be the most amazing little girl I’ve ever seen but where did I go?

I gained 40 lb.s with her birth and then kept gaining after that. Her father and I split up when she was a year old and then I became a new to school, freshly back to work, single mom at 21! She’s grown and blossomed and become such a beautiful big girl now. I’ve withered and hated myself sooo much for every year she’s loved herself. The depression and the agony just made the over eating worse. So I got the lap band and did really well for awhile,for awhile.

Then the depression came back in and ate me up inside and I kept eating,stopped exercising.

Excuses,excuses,always, what a weakling I am. I cannot look at my naked body in the mirror without crying. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A 25 YEAR OLD!!

I see older women at work all the time who have paid in the their bodies for their many children and I cry. Why am I at that stage when I am ONLY 25? I have ONLY had one child. I cannot let my boyfriend see me naked with the lights on, I cannot let my daughter see me in the shower. I disgust myself and I’m so tired of hating who I am.

I Was Afraid (Susan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

I Was Afraid, Susan
Age: 36
Pregnancies: 6
Births: 3
Children: Nicholas 7, Ella 5, Jack 3

I took these pictures for my blog. I took them to show the world, well the blog world, my post babies belly. I contemplated for literally an hour. I should, I shouldn’t. Ok I am, no no I can’t. Ultimately I was unable to share the pictures because I felt ashamed of my body. I had 3 miscarriages before finally conceiving and delivering my first baby. As all moms who have had trouble conceiving or staying pregnant know, this was not a happy time in life. So what did do to make myself feel better? I ate. 4 years and 3 breastfed babies, and one cesarean later my body had seen better days. I decided to take my body back for myself, after all there would be no more babies. My body was my own again and I deserved to treat it right. I have been consistently working out for over 2.5 years yet I’m still ashamed of my body. I don’t have stretch marks and no one sees my scar but I am still striving for that airbrushed look. When I saw this forum to show my pictures I figured why not. It’s me, it’s real and it’s the only body I’ve got. I better learn to love it.