Mom over 30

You’re Beautiful to Me (Angela)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 18 Comments

~Age: 44
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 14 & 11 years old

I find it ironic that I appreciate my body now more than I did when it was a relatively tight little thing in high school. I used to curse what I called a “pot belly” and would wear oversized sweatshirts to hide it. Over two decades later my tight little pot belly is softened, scarred and sagging in places, yet I can now look in the mirror and rejoice in the beauty of my body. I no longer try to hide it, but wear clothes that reveal my curves and in which I feel feminine and sexy. I also now know that my body is not just for looks and I appreciate and feel grateful for all its blessings. First of all, it gets me through my life just fine: I walk, skip and dance. I give and receive hugs. I make love. I’ve made and nourished babies. I am strong, flexible and healthy!

When I see teenaged girls and young twenty-somethings with bodies similar to the one I had, I just laugh to myself and think “I used to have that cute little body and I didn’t even appreciate it!” When I see teenaged girls and young twenty-somethings with bodies larger than the one I had wearing cute outfits and strutting their stuff confidently, I am filled with a longing to have had that kind of confidence when I was their age.

I didn’t treat myself very well as a young woman and I now ask her for forgiveness: “Forgive me, dear girl, for not appreciating you. Forgive me for discounting your beauty and your worth. Forgive me for trying to hide you and all your love and light from the world.”

But how did I get from self-loather to self-lover? It’s something I’ve been actively working on since my late twenties when someone suggested I look into my own eyes in a mirror and tell myself “I love you.” Have you ever tried that? I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with myself! But I did it anyway, even though I felt like a liar as I uttered the words.

After I had children, I was struck by the way they and my husband loved to touch my belly; they told me it felt good! So I tried it. I closed my eyes and pretended I had no judgements about my belly. I touched, caressed and kneaded. I felt the texture of the skin, the softness of the fat and the firmness of the muscle. I felt the smooth parts and the bumpy parts; the taught parts and the parts that fold over. I was surprised that I was actually enjoying this very sensual experience! From that moment on I vowed not only to look at myself in the mirror lovingly and appreciatively, but to touch myself lovingly and appreciatively as well, and I can honestly say that I now mean it when I tell myself “I love you!”

In case you’re wondering, YES I still treat myself unkindly at times! If my clothes don’t look or feel right for whatever reason, I can easily spiral into a desperate place. If I’m going somewhere where I think there might be people who may judge me harshly, I feel anxiously insecure. Luckily, I’m very creative with clothes and I’ll try on item after item until I come up with a combination in which I feel at least presentable. And I feel grateful to my husband for being so patient while I fling clothes all over the room as I make us late for a party.

I’ve learned to be very kind and patient and compassionate with the self-loather in me. After all, she’s just a girl who got hurt by some pretty insensitive and sometimes cruel remarks when she was at the tender and confusing age of adolescence. She’s still trying to protect me by hiding me. It’s up to me, the woman I’ve become, to hold her lovingly and calm her fears: “It’s OK sweety – you’re beautiful to me!”

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Flames (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Back, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 2 Comments

I am a 37 yo mama of two children. I have been pregnant 3 times: one miscarriage, one natural birth in the hospital, and one home birth. My children are now 14 and 11 years old. I paint my stretch marks every Halloween as flames to honor the power of my body and the love I feel for my children! They have changed me body, mind, and soul.

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Five Years Postpartum (Stephanie)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

age 33
1 pregnancy

I really loved this website when I came across it. It is great to see what real moms look like not what the media makes up feel like we should look like. I gained 40 pounds with my son but have since lost all the extra weight but my body will never be the same. Even though I weigh less then I did before I had him I now have a little belly and loose skin on my stomach as well as a nice c-section scar and strech marks from breasts to my inner thighs. My breasts are quite a bit saggier then prepregnancy as well but whenever I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see I try to remember what a great thing I got to go along with all my new imperfections.

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Scarred for Life (Judith)

Bonnie (SOAM) 20+ Years Postpartum, Art, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 22 Comments

In 1991, my then 73-year-old mother visited me in Paris for my 36th birthday.
She’d made the long journey from the Dutch countryside by train, and while brewing a cup of tea, I drew her a bath.
Unable to get out of the tub she called for help.
While I’d often seen NIta in the nude as a child, it had been 30 years since I saw her completely undressed.
“Now you’ve seen it all,” she said, no doubt in response to my gaze.
She caught me taking in the slack, creamy skin of her deflated stomach, the nearly hairless pubes and surprise, surprise, her, our, my labia.
Would my body be like hers, I wondered.

A year later I was about ready to give birth.
Throughout my pregnancy I had continued my yoga practice and Jane Fonda’s exercises for pregnant women.
Fonda created the book with a midwife, who in the last chapter warned against the danger of a vaginal breech delivery.
Our breech baby Ariane Eira suffocated, just like the midwife described, during the last five minutes of her birth.
The past nearly 18 years it seems I’ve attempted to keep my stomach round, filling the empty skin, not wanting to view or face the emptiness.
The ten years following our loss I got pregnant four times, each pregnancy ending in a miscarriage.
After a “missed abortion” in 2003, I decided to stop trying to have another baby.
No longer trying to have a family, I focused on what we, my husband and I, had and could have together, just the two of us.
We got a puppy. I remember the moment I felt her heartbeat on my chest, a subtle reminder of earlier loss.

These days I’m working with a personal trainer to get back in shape, I enjoy the rediscovery of a former self.
As the fat burns away and my muscles tighten, the empty belly remains,
Other than that there’s the seldom shared, elongated scar on my perineum, which unlike the scars on my heart, is another visible proof of my motherhood.
My mother and I, so alike in so many ways, except for the daughter she got to see grow up and I had to let go before I could feel her heart beat outside of me.

55 (in November 2010)
6 pregnancies, one birth
18 years postpartum
child-loss
Collage “Starlight” ©Judith van Praag
illustration from Creative Acts of Healing: after a baby dies https://www.dutchessabroad.com/paseo-press/

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Your First Home (Proudmama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Update 23 Comments

Previous entry here.

I didn’t intend on updating so soon, but something happened that I wanted to share.

First of all I come here regularly because I feel like I’m a part of something when I read your stories. Some of your stories I relate to more than others, some stories make me want to cry because I either want to reach through the computer and hug you or because I can’t believe how beautiful you are, and if you don’t like your body, what would you think of mine…

It’s been a tough couple of months on a lot of different levels and I feel that although I’m still losing weight and inches, it only makes my skin sag and “hang” more. But I do feel healthier so that’s gotta count for something.

But here’s what I wanted to share with you, to reminds all of us of what really matters.

The other day I was sitting on the floor and playing with my daughter (who will already turn 1 year old very soon and is starting to walk) and I found myself wanting to cry at the sight of the roll of belly fat hanging in front of me. I was pinching the skin and moving it around distractingly. My daughter walked over and kneeled down next to me and put her little hand on my belly and she pat it lovingly. I looked up into those big blue eyes and that big gap toothed grin of hers and I did find myself crying, but not of sadness. I couldn’t believe that almost a year ago, this little girl was resting inside of me, kicking her little heels eager to come out. And now there she was, walking and smiling and caressing my belly from the outside.

That night I opened the baby book that I’d been too busy to pay attention to and found the section titled Your First Home. There I pasted three pictures, one of before I got pregnant, one of my big pregnant belly and the third one of my belly in its current state, and underneath I started writing:

“The first picture is of Your First Home before you moved in. It’s like a brand new house with new furniture that still has the paint and new carpet smell. Sure it looks good but you’re afraid to touch anything for fear of breaking something and it doesn’t feel like you home.

The second picture represents all those years you spent in that house, molding it to your liking making changes, building memories. Sometimes it gets cluttered and messy and crowded and it might have lost that brand new house appeal but it smells homely and it’s comforting.

That last picture is like a beloved house after you’ve decided to move out because it doesn’t suit your needs anymore. You say goodbye to it with a heavy heart but you know that you need to move on. Who knows, it might just suit somebody else one day. Before you leave though, you take a good look at it. A brand new house it isn’t anymore. The paint is chipping, the carpets are dirty. To a casual by-stander it might not look that great, but you know better. That house is beautiful to you because it has been lived in. Laughter has echoed in its wall, maybe some tears have been shed too, but mostly it’s Love that you can feel in its foundation.

My dear daughter, when I look at this belly that was you very first home, I smile. Every line, every wrinkle, every mark is there because you decided to choose me to be your mommy. Maybe one day I will give you a brother or a sister and they too will leave their own personal story on my belly. And I hope that one day, if you so desire, you will be blessed with a baby of your own and that you too will have the privilege of becoming someone’s First Home.”

Your bellies might be scared, deformed and wrinkled but they were your precious children’s first home and that’s something to be thankful for. It doesn’t make everything better I know, but it puts things in perspective.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Peace to you and yours

~Proudmama

Pictures are 11.5 months postpartum.

Updated here and here.

Motherhood Shaped Me (Joni E.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

~Age: 36 years old
~Pregnancies: 5 pregnancies/4 living children (one fetal demise at 21 weeks)
~Childrens ages: 15, 12, 10 and 5 weeks

Highest non-pregnant weight: 183
Weight 3 months prior to pregnancy (lowest adult weight): 125 (I put on 20 lbs before becoming pregnant at my husbands request)
Weight just prior to pregnancy: 144
Weight at time of delivery: 195
Weight now: 167

My story begins 16+ years ago with the loss of my first precious baby. I had difficulty becoming pregnant and was devastated when I lost the pregnancy at 21 weeks. I always appreciated my body and was thrilled when I became pregnant again. I was surprised when my doctor mentioned my stretchmarks being so bad. The grew and grew until they reached the top of my belly. After my daughter was born I was alarmed at the way my body looked. I didn’t recognize my belly anymore. My breast were large and sagging but I was so grateful to have her I didn’t care. I eventually began to realize and then somewhat resent that I couldn’t get my pre-pregnant body back.

Fast forward 4 years and 2 more children. Once the children were older and I had more time to focus on myself I began to really be critical of my body. I was going to school full time to become a RN and working as well. I was eating poorly and not exercising. I was unhappy with myself and my life. Once I graduated nursing school I weighed the most I’d ever weighed at 183. I lost 60 pounds and began marathon training and working out in excess. I was pushing myself to the limit, at one point even breaking my leg and continuing to run despite the pain. I was very proud of my new physique, yet when I looked in the mirror I could see flaw after flaw. Before my breasts were saggy, now they were small. Before my tummy was fat, now wrinkled. I took a step back to evaluate my life and realized the answer was not to be found on the scale or in the gym but in myself.

I changed my life completely. I separated from my husband and then reunited with a man I had known since 6th grade. We fell very deeply in love and quickly began a relationship. We decided to have a baby. He requested that I gain weight prior to becoming pregnant as he felt I was too thin. I had to agree. We became pregnant very quickly and enjoyed my pregnancy. He loved my pregnant body. I gained 50 pounds during the pregnancy. I’d occasionally fear the weight I’d have to lose after the birth but I enjoyed my body and what it was doing in a way I never had before. He and I decided to have our baby at home, something I had wanted to do with my 3 previous births but did not have a supportive spouse to help make that possible. I gave birth in a birth tub in our kitchen, surrounded by people I loved. It was the best day of my life. Ella weighed a huge, healthy 10 lbs and 6 oz. Her birth empowered me in a way I had never felt empowered before. I felt strong, capable and beautiful (her long birth story can be found here).

Now 5 weeks after her birth I love this sweet baby more than I can describe. And I respect my body in a whole new way but I don’t recognize it in the mirror. I have huge 38DD breasts again and my tummy is back to looking like it did when I had my third baby (10 years ago). I worked so incredibly hard for the shape I had before I became pregnant with Ella, to the point of obsession. It was difficult to admit that my happiness did not depend on if I wore a size 14 (my current size) or a size 4. But yet in these first weeks PP I told my husband I felt like I needed to look like I did before this birth because if I did not it was like false advertising. After all, he didn’t marry 167 pound me. What he said really made me pause to appreciate myself: He said, ” I wish when you looked at yourself you could see what I see. You are so sexy. You are beautiful. Inside and out. I love your body. It made our baby. I love you and just want you to love yourself too.” And I believe him and I do love myself.

We are so pressured by society to look a certain way. We’ve been conditioned to believe that beauty is skin deep. We feel like if we were a certain size or weight we’d be happy. We feel like we need to have plastic surgery to get “back to the way we were” before having babies. Fix our breasts. Fix our bellies. Fix ourselves. When we are not in fact broken. What we should be doing is celebrating and appreciating the amazing things are bodies do to make our babies and that we can make babies at all!

I’m so proud of all the women on SOAM willing to bare their bodies and souls for the sake of truth and beauty.

Photos included:
1. Pre-pregnancy after losing 50 pounds on WW (me in the stripes, my baby sister in the hearts)
2. at 37 weeks pregnant with my husband
3. smiling in labor at 40 weeks 5 days (tie dye sarong)
4. Us at our wedding (me 36 weeks pregnant)
5. Ella at 3 weeks
6/7/8. me now 5 weeks PP front/back/side

I Made Them and They Made Me (Tanya Rose)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

There was a time when I pranced around no bigger than a minute and cute as a button. Then at 15 years old, I became pregnant with my first son. I was 92 lbs. and throughout my pregnancy I was forced to gain weight by my Dr. because I was “underweight”. I did as I was instructed and gained 46 lbs. Little me delivered a 9lb.baby boy via c-section. I bounced back quickly and after 9 months, I was 93 lbs. and expecting baby boy number two. At 17, I vaginally delivered my 10 lb. baby boy.

After, the c-section and getting so big with my 10 lb. baby, my 17 year old body was shot. At 17, this is not the way your body was supposed to look. Although, I lost my weight, my body was stretched and saggy. Life went on, but I was always self conscious about my body image.

Years later, I was in a relationship with the man that I married. We were expecting an oopsie in January 2001. It took me having to bury my son at 17 weeks gestation and a late miscarriage one year later, for me to say to myself that these babies are too precious to worry about body image. I would give anything to just have a baby. I no longer cared what my body looked like or what aches and pains I would endure, I just wanted a baby. Three weeks after my D&C, I was expecting my 4th son. I had another miscarriage after him and then I was expecting my 5th son. After mine and my husbands divorce, we were expecting once again, another oopsie, number 6. Our after divorce relationship only lasted until my 6th son was 3 weeks old. Divorces are always for a reason.

Six boys later, eight pregnancies later, I was single and my body image was once again an issue. What man in his right man would want a woman with so much luggage and an after baby body like mine?
I found him when I wasn’t looking. He has five children himself. Even with his encouragement about the fact that my body was just fine. I still wanted to lose weight, I even bought myself a breast augmentation. I knew that the new and improved boobies would divert attention away from my mid-section.

Three and a half years later we are expecting a baby any time now. Someone on my pregnancy forum posted your site. It was the most wonderful thing I have seen. SOAM opened my eyes again and widely this time. A mother’s body is beautiful. It’s not airbrushed, it’s real. I realized that I am left with the marks that show I am blessed and that my body is able to do the most amazing thing in existence, Create life. I have a new found love for my body. I know there are many women who would sacrifice anything to have a family and it is just not possible for them. Therefore, I am grateful.

I am 30 yrs. old
This is my 9th pregnancy, 7th birth
The ages of my children are, 14, 12, deceased 8-10-00, 8,6, soon to be 4, and baby due 10.22.10

I can not wait to share postpartum pictures.

Thank you for everything, especially this site.

I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

When most little girls were dreaming of marrying prince charming, or planning their weddings and the names of their future children, I had one goal in mind: I wanted to be physically supernatural, beautiful and virtually unbreakable. I didn’t play school or dress-up or house. I pretended I was a cartoon character: Cheetara, from the Thundercats show. Why Cheetara? Because she was everything I wasn’t — thin, muscular, acrobatic and tough. She could fight or escape her enemies, and she had a team of friends to help her.

In the real world, I was alone. A single child to neglectful, selfish parents. A student in a small, rural country school where I was often the only girl among several boys. I was a binge-eater starting at the age of 5 (to self-medicate the pain of my childhood), so I was chubby most of my young years. I hit puberty very young, growing noticeable breasts by 9 and having a mother too out of touch to support me and help me to dress properly. I was simultaneously leered at and ridiculed by everyone — family, adult friends of my parents, peers.

I was ashamed, and despite many great things about myself, the only thing that mattered was my appearance.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that things changed. Actually, it was when I was giving birth. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling like my body and my accomplishments were working in harmony, not one despite the other.

I can’t say that feeling has lasted. I alternate between comfortable confidence, detached apathy and gut-wrenching frustration. I still binge-eat. I still am measured by my appearance when around my own family (maybe that’s not the only measure, but it is always a topic of discussion and it stings as much as it always did). I still reject my husband’s very generous and genuine adoration, thinking not that he’s being insincere, but that his standards are too low.

But today I thought I’d be brave. I’m not Cheetara (I tried to be a few years ago when I joined an online community of folks trying to fix their lives through diet and exercise). I am, however, a very kind and open woman who sees beauty in all bodies but my own. So here I am.

Age: 32
Pregnancies: 4 (one terminated, two births (ages 7.5 and 3.5), one miscarriage at 8 weeks)
Time spent breastfeeding: 4 months with oldest child, 7 months with youngest — breast size (happily) shrunk after

New Found Respect for My Body (Proudmama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Age: 31
Number of pregnancies and birth: 1
Age of my child: 10 months old
Cesarean birth

Almost 10 months ago I finally realized my biggest dream: to be a mom. Most kids grow up wanting to be rock stars or doctors, I wanted to be a mother. From the moment I met my husband I knew he was going to be the father of my children. It took us 8 years to conceive a child (because of circumstances, not fertility issues) but our daughter was well worth the wait.

Before getting pregnant, I never gave much thought as to how pregnancy would affect my body. I’d gain a bit of weight in my mid-twenties but at just over 5’3 I weighted around 125-130, my stomach was flat and I was overall satisfied with my body. I’ve never been one to work out much so I can’t say that my body was in its best shaped but it looked good to me. Now looking back, I wished I’d worked out and had gotten stronger abs before I got pregnant…But I can’t go back.

My pregnancy was a dream; no nausea or heartburn or any real discomfort except for general aches and insomnia. I however grew an incredibly huge belly. People asked all the time how many babies I was carrying. I didn’t gain that much weight (25-30 pounds) but I was carrying it all in front of me. I also didn’t develop any big stretch marks (just a few on my breast and thighs) so people kept telling me how lucky I was, but I just knew that I would be left with extra skin just looking at that big beautiful belly.

I was pregnant for almost 42 weeks, my little one just didn’t want to come out. They finally did an emergency c-section and my big beautiful baby girl came out weighing 9.2 lbs and measuring 22 inches. I could not believe how long and adorably chubby she was. Today you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at her but I guess I needed a giant belly to accommodate such a big baby.

The day after I got home, my c-section wound opened up and I lost quite a bit of blood. For almost two months I had a nurse come by my home to take care of my wound and it took another few weeks after that to heal properly. Needless to say it took me a while before I could do any kind of real exercising. Just walking up the stairs was enough to open up the wound at first. After the wound healed, the state of my belly left me in shock. I expected a lot of things but I didn’t expect that much extra skin and that huge roll of fat on top of my scar my scar. Plus I had a pretty bad case of diastasis recti (abdominal muscles separation) that did nothing to make me feel better. Losing the weight was easy since I hadn’t really gained anywhere else but the tummy area, but I looked nothing like my former self. It was disconcerting to actually weight less than before but look fatter.

I had a really easy baby from the start so that helped a lot. She’s always been such a happy and smiley baby and of course I knew that I’d do it all over again, but it was still hard to see my deformed belly. I felt like I lived a double life, underneath clothing (and sturdy underwear) I could easily hid my belly and pretend all was well but I was always very self-conscious and had a really hard time finding clothes that fit properly around my mid-section.

It took me months to accept that my body was never to going to go back to its former shape and I now allow myself to wear whatever I want and I don’t feel the need to hide under bulky clothes. I have a healthy lifestyle, I still don’t like the gym but I make it a point to be active everyday and I eat well. My daughter and my husband are my whole world and they make me feel beautiful everyday. I now can look at my body and be proud of it, especially when I look at pictures and realized just how huge my belly was during my pregnancy and how it looked in the first few months after.

I do want more children and I know my body will keep changing. But I truly feel like being a mom is my calling in life and if it means having a less than perfect body, then that’s fine with me. I hope my story helps you accept your beautiful mother’s body, I know all of your stories definitely helped me through some rough times.

Peace

-First picture is at 7.5 months pregnant.
-Second and third are now, 10 months postpartum.
-Last but not least, the beautiful smile that makes it all worth it. :)

Updated here, here, and here

The Life of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

I’m 31 and have had 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage – no children. All years apart and all for the best…. and still I find myself looking at my belly, that carried the life I was expecting to meet, someone I already loved. I wonder if it’s strange that it’s two years later, and I am still the same size and shape I was when I was pregnant. I know there is a part of me who is waiting to meet my baby, I also know there is no baby to meet. We were engaged… almost.. I said yes, but didn’t want to make it official until I met his parents… we were planning the trip… and a few months later – pregnant. I was excited, felt lucky, felt loved… then, he cheated on me… things unraveled and I had a miscarriage… it was an abrupt end to so many things…

I know now like I didn’t know before that I want to be a mother. And in the process of deep grieving and now deep healing, I know my soul better than I did 2 years ago, or rather I listen to my soul and respect my emotions more than I did. The ways I changed in looking forward to being a mother stayed with me, and I found with in me a mother’s voice and mother’s heart…. comforting, soothing, and nurturing all the wounded and neglect parts of myself. I used to think the goal was to lose the belly… the 25 pounds.. and I would know that part of me didn’t want to, because part of me was still wanting to grow, for this life I loved to grow… and when the belly was gone I would know it was all over…

Still ‘chubby’… still carrying my belly… I see all the things that grew in me when life stopped – a deeper self acceptance… speak softly to myself… reflect kindly… meditate earnestly… love deeper…

I turned 31 and suddenly noticed this “mother consciousness” and realized that this was a gift for me… a strong and comforting voice that has been growing in me. That will be with me, even if I lose this belly.