Time Has Healed Me (Anonymous)

Previous post here.

Age: 29
4 pregnancies, 2 births
Children’s ages: 3 1/2 and 2 years old

I first posted to this site a year and a half ago. At the time I had a 6 month old baby and was struggling with what two pregnancies, in 18 months, had done to my body, as well as the hormonal throws of being postpartum. I was on my way to losing weight and getting back in shape.

However, shortly after I posted, I fell pregnant with what would have been our 3rd child in less than 3 years. The stress of the unplanned pregnancy, the extreme symptoms that came along with it and the financial strain of our growing family threw our life into a bleak and painful tailspin. My husband had to take time off work to take care of our children because my blood pressure was so low that I was bed bound from 6 weeks. We feared for how our family would continue to function. My husband turned against me under the pressure and our marriage began to break down.

In a devastatingly fortunate turn of events my symptoms started to fade just when he needed to head back to work. I wasn’t shocked when a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks showed the fetus had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 10.5 weeks. Due to my immobility, in the 12 weeks I was pregnant, I gained 20 pounds. I also almost lost my marriage and decimated our finances. I was beside myself with grief, sadness and regret but I knew that wallowing in those feelings would do me no good. After all, we had two children relying on us, so we had no choice but to set out on a mission to put our lives back together.

A year and a half later, I can say that we have done that and more. We have been to the precipice and came back hand in hand. We know how to fight for our marriage and giving up is not an option. Through dedication and hard work, my husband got a new job with much more flexibility and better pay. I have lost 40 pounds and am feeling great!

I do yoga 2-3 times a week, eat in moderation, drink lots of water and make sure to get my fruits and veggies. I feel great about my body and my mind. I am a more patient, thoughtful mother since choosing to take care of myself and love myself.

If you look back at my previous post, there is a 20+ pound difference between then and now. But you can see my body is totally different due to gaining muscle tone from the yoga. I have stretch marks and lose skin, I except this about myself while working to improve the things I can. Time, patience and dedication will heal your body. It will heal your whole LIFE! Never give up on yourself, keep fighting to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You are worth it and you can do it.

050914-anon-1

(Anonymous)

I am a mother of 10 children. The last two being twin boys. My firstborn twin boy died in February this year aged 4 months. I would generally be the first to complain about my figure post childbirth. But my experience has shown me what’s important in life. I would gladly be a size 24+ if i could just hold my baby in my arms one more time. So ladies forget figures and love your babies… Most precious things to be focussed on.

7 children: A Body to Remember (Stacy)

Age: 33
Children: 15, 10, 8, 7, 6, 4, 18 months
Births: 5 C-Sections followed by 2 unassisted births (UBAC)

Previous post here.

Even though I have 5 previous entries here, over the past five and a half years, I feel inclined to submit again. I love this site because it is the only place I have ever found that speaks of the profound changes that women go through and the unique challenge that we face to experience it in the 21st century. Some days it surprises me that women can muster any confidence at all, given the images and verbiage we are forced to ingest everyday; all around us. I like to be reminded of the normalcy of these changes. I like to see the triumphs and the sadness. The joy and the pain. Because, just like with birth, both come as one. To overcome is to conquer the fear of not being enough. To climb the mountain is to see the view we have been waiting for…

3 Months PP Mother of 5 (Ellen)

Hi! My name is Ellen. I’m 28 years old and 3 months post c-section. I have had 5 kids in 6 years and had a tubal ligation done with the last one, which was my only c-section.

I’m 5’6 and used to be an athletic 160 lbs and right now I’m stuck at 200. I have major issues with my body now and am planning on having a mommy makeover next year.

The stretch marks are really bad in the light and my breasts, although bigger than they ever were are a bit droopy. My stomach isn’t as bad as it could be, but I don’t like the look of it either. My butt lost a lot of its roundness and my thighs are huge.

As much as I could complain, my children are worth it all. Plus whatever can’t be fixed on its own can be corrected with surgery. Yes, some of our bodies change immensely after having children, but it’s worth the miracle.

Changes (Anonymous)

My body is a blessing. Before now I wasn’t so sure. Ironically, though I had given birth 4 times vaginally (twice without meds) it took my emergency c-section to show me just how wonderful my body is. I’m not skinny, I haven’t been since my first pregnancy in high school, I have stretch marks and loose skin, cellulite, freckles and scars. I have carried seven people with in me. 5 made it earth side and 2 were called home. My body has given life and it has experienced terrible loss. The BMI index considers me over weight, and I’m ok with it. I have a scar now that is the biggest one on my body. The deepest. And it’s so beautiful. I can’t express to you just how in love with my scar that I am. I look at it and I know that we survived. We made it. No matter what I feel victorious in how I birthed my son. So please, c-section Mama’s, don’t think that because you didn’t give birth vaginally that you didn’t do something amazing. I’ve given birth just about every way that someone CAN give birth and I promise you, you’re all big damn heroes to me :) . You have that scar and your baby is here, it may not have been the birth you wanted, and next time you’re going to crush that VBAC if you go for it (I have faith in you) but please, in between now and then just remember that you’re beautiful, and that you’re no less of a woman because you had MAJOR surgery to get that baby here. Because from my experience, that takes as much of a birth warrior as squatting down and pushing baby out. <3 Age: 23 Number of pregnancies and births: 7 pregnancies 7 births 5 live births (4 mine one surro babe) number of children: 7, 3, 1 and 1 month [gallery ids="12108,12104,12105,12106,12107"]

4 Months After 5 Kids (Momma of 5)

I am soon to be 26 yrs old. I have had five pregnancies and five happy babies born in the last six years. I would never have changed having my kids so close together but having a baby every year didn’t give me a chance to lose much weight and tone up again between each pregnancy. Before kids I’ve always had a tight thin body with large perky boobs and was always proud of my body. I do have hope that I can tighten my tummy more than it is now but I’m still amazed looking back that I had 5 kids back to back and by body did its job growing and protecting each one, so I am so proud of my body. I was 138 lbs before my fifth pregnancy and I went up to 194 lbs at the end of the pregnancy. Now I am 149 lbs at four months post partum. Breastfeeding helps mentally that My body is still useful even if it doesn’t look the same.

Thanks for reading

122313-mommaof5-1

My Rainbow Baby and VBA2C! (Shannon)

Most recent post here.
# of pregnancies and births: 4/3
How far pp: 7 years, 4.5 years, 2.5 weeks
Age: 27

As you all know (since I post here frequently!), I lost my 3rd pregnancy. I have had quite the bumpy road as far as my babies go. Connor passed away 5 years and 5 months ago (his 7th birthday was on September 24th), I had my 2nd only a year later, lost my 3rd, and just gave birth to my 4th baby on 9/19, Emerson James! It was a successful VBA2C :) You can read my other posts if you have never read any of my stories.

Here is my birth story written by my husband:

Sunday Night:
We dropped Liam off at Megan and Steve’s house so he could play with Canyon. We left there at a little after 6PM. There was traffic because of a baseball game, so we did a little detour near northeasten. All told we pulled in at 715, right on the dot.

We were admitted to the maternity floor and had a really nice nurse (who had recently graduated from UMass). The next few hours was a combination of doctors (most notably the one with the purple hair clip) to convince you that the best way to induce was to do “the balloon” followed by some Pitosin. You were concerned that, should the induction not take, you would then be coerced into doing a C-section. During the course of this, you were inspected and determined to be 1cm dilated. Also, Purple Hair Clip stripped your membranes. The doctor’s seemed a little confused as they thought you were here for an induction and yet you didn’t want the induction at the same time. In the end, partially due to PHC’s 30% success rate estimate, you decided to talk it over with Dr McElrath, your primary OB/GYN. He wasn’t available at the time, so we decided to get a hotel in hopes that we could meet with him the next morning.

Upon leaving the hospital we checked out the Howard Johnson near Fenway, but there was a game that night so it was very loud (and probably booked anyway). I looked around and decided to stay at the Best Western at 1650 Commonwealth ave. We got into the room at midnight (just as breaking bad was picking up where we left off). We watched the rest of breaking bad, then went to sleep.

Monday
We woke up and, after a few phone calls, settled on meeting with Dr McElrath at 1245. In the meantime we went to Whole Foods and got some breakfast in the form of delicious sandwiches. We met with McElrath and you were just as indecisive as last night. Fortunately McElrath made the decision for you, telling you that your best chance was to wait until you go into labor naturally. We decided to go home and wait. Before we left, we had one of what would turn out to be many meals at the Mission.

We got home, where your mom was watching Liam and Molly. The rest of the night was uneventful. We got to tuck Liam in, which was nice.

Tuesday
You starting feeling contractions around 3AM. You timed them for a while and then woke me up and we left around 6AM. Traffic was pretty bad so I cut through Woburn and back out onto 93. That saved us a little bit of time, but it still took about 1.5 hours.

Once there the doctors inspected you (and you were still 1cm dilated). After a few hours they inspected you again, and not much had changed. They said to go walk around for a while to see if that got things going. So we went to lunch at the Mission again and then met Jenny at the park on Mission Hill right off of Birgham Circle. There you did some sort of exercises to try to change Emerson’s position in your belly. I read a book. It was nice.

After the park we went to get something to eat at the Mission again (I had left my credit card there… surprise), this time Jenny joined us. The bartender gave us a free drink on account of your ripeness, which was cool of him.

We then went back to the hospital, and they inspected you… still not much progress (you might have been a little bit more effaced and softer, but nothing huge). After some chatting they decided to keep you overnight to see how things went. They decided this partially because you were having strong contractions.

Wednesday
Unfortunately, the contractions died down by the morning. You might have been 1.5cm dilated, and slightly more effaced, but progress was slow. Instead of inducing we decided to stay the (new) course of letting your body do what it wants to do. We were discharged, had lunch at the Mission, and went home. We got home around 3PM.

Liam was down on the Cape, so it was just us. We got some La Caretta and then hung out for a bit while you took bath (right before which some of your mucus plug came out). Afterwards you said it would be great to get a hotel with a hot tub. We called around and settled on the Crowne Plaza Nashua. We got there at about 630PM. You immediately got in the hot tub (which was concerningly high off the ground… funny to watch your ripe self climb into it). You were overly aggressive with the bubbles and we (mostly I) had to scoop them out and put them in the standup shower. Afterwards, I joined you in the tub (which had jets that shot out at ~100MPH). Shortly afterwards you noticed something in the bubbles. You weren’t sure what it was but we narrowed it down to three possibilities:
You pooped
You lost the rest of your mucus plug
Your water broke
You called the doctor and they said not to be concerned and that it was likely the rest of your mucus plug.

Thursday (midnight)

I should note that at this point your contractions are getting more intense. So we get back in the tub (actually just you for a while… I was chilling in a robe) as your contractions began to become more intense and more frequent. Later I jointed you in the tub and starting timing your contractions. They had been about 3-5 minutes apart for about an hour and a half when we decided to leave. We left the hotel room at 1:20AM.

The trip down to Brigham was an interesting one. I wasn’t sure if we were going to have enough gas, but I didn’t tell you at the time because you were having what appeared to be very painful contractions. Fortunately the gas was enough (barely) and the roads were wide open on account of the time, so we successfully arrived at Brigham at 2:05.

At admitting there was another pregnant woman when we arrived, and another one came in shortly after us. We all went up to the 5th floor of the CWN building (Center for Women and Newborns?). You were the last of the 3 to be brought to a room.

Once in the room, you were inspected and found to be about 4cm dilated at 80% effaced. Finally, we knew this was it and we were not leaving without Emerson coming out. In order to ease your pain and hopefully get you some rest, they gave you an epidural (something you were very excited about). During the epidural the anesthesiologist accidentally touched a wrong nerve, sending your right leg shaking. He said “What was that?” which, at the time, was discomforting. Afterwards we realized he was asking which leg it was (so he knew what it was he had touched). The rest of the anesthesia went off without a hitch and you tried to get some rest. The time was now around 5AM.

You got some rest over the next few hours, so not much happened. The nurse would periodically come in and check Emerson’s vital signs. Throughout the entire ordeal Emerson’s heart rate looked great, so again, nothing notable went on here.
Somewhere in midmorning you were determined to be about 6cm dilated. At this point I called Connie and Jenny to tell them they could come. They arrived late-morning and, after some chatting, you had them wait out in the waiting room until the time was right.
A little bit after noon you were inspected again and it was found that there was “just a lip” remaining. At this point the nurse got you getting ready to push. The next few hours was a slow progression with (what I presume to be) the usual milestones. Once it became clear that the head popping out was imminent, I was sent to fetch Connie and Jennny. They came in and watched. Your Mom prayed in the corner while I held your legs to “help” you push.

It’s worth noting that you pushed like a champ. Uncomfortable, but still cracking jokes. It was funny when they used a mirror to show you what was going on… you thought it was neat, but said you didn’t want to look in the mirror any more. As the head was out they asked if you wanted to touch it. You did, and you must’ve thought it was icky (kind of was), because you then wiped your hand on your gown.

Then you popped out the baby at 4:18PM. They put him on your chest right away, which you keep telling me was awesome (I love you baby… and I get it).
About 15-20 minutes post-partum Emerson latched on for breast-feeding. Maybe it had something to do with the skin-to-skin, but in any case, he was quite boss-like about it.

Attached photos are me 36 weeks pregnant with Emerson and my 3 boys on Connor’s birthday (Connor is on Emerson’s onsie!)

Another Update (Anonymous)

Age:24
# of pregnancies: 5/ 4births
Age of children: 7yrs, 5yr, 3yrs, 6 1/2mos
How far post-partum: 6 1/2mos

Previous post here.

I am now 6 1/2 months post-partum from my daughter and I have been feeling pretty great :). I left my kids father back in June and it was honestly one of the best decisions I could have ever made due to his drug use. When I left him I was down in the beginning and notice an increased weight loss and assumed I’d gain it all back but now I have had a steady weight loss and don’t feel down at all. I have recently started to watch what I eat, try to excercise a bit more, and have definitely been a busy single mother. I feel that as I look right now I look good for having 4 children, but for my own peace of mind I definitely plan on continuing to work on my body I would like to lose about 30-40lbs more but I know even if I stayed at my current weight it wouldn’t be bad. I believe my confidence has increase now due to all the compliments and reponses I get, from both men and women, on my body when I tell someone I have 4 children. For all other moms out there, don’t give up your confidence is just deeply hidden and will definitely re appear when you least expect it to, I know mine sure did :)

First 4 pictures are of me 9/19/13; 6 1/2 months post-partum :)
5th pict: me at 3 months post-partum
6th: 6 mos post-partum

Getting Happier With Time (Apryl)

Age : 33
5 pregnancies, 3 births, children’s ages : 14, 10, 3

This is my 3rd submission to SOAM. First post here. Second here.

I’ve been working more on not only improving my body and physical health, but trying to improve my mental well being as well. For the most part, it has gone well. My ex-husband and I finally had our divorce finalized last December, which helped immensely. I have been dating a great guy for over a year. I’m not sure he’s “the one” yet, but I do think he’s a wonderful man.

I lost quite a bit more weight, getting down to a size 12 (versus the size 30 I was when I got pregnant with my youngest). Unfortunately, I hit a bit of depression again and gained some of the weight back. I had lost a total of 120 pounds. I’ve gained back about 15. But I am working on that again also.

The weirdest thing about a lot of weight loss is the incredible amount of excess skin you have after. Yes, it tightens up in time, but that takes a while. I am wearing about a size 16 jeans right now, but would probably be in no bigger than a 12 if the skin was gone. But it seems like my breasts have actually firmed up a bit.

This first picture is the best side view I could get with my phone, the second is my breasts, 3rd is me holding up some of the excess skin on my stomach, and the 4th is a side view of my abdomen. I wish the light and quality of the picture was better, but my camera on my phone is not the greatest quality.

My Tears (Anonymous)

I came across this website after following a link at the bottom of an article on government fiscal policy of all things.

Without reading a single story, just the opening statement, I found myself in tears. Not a soft, delicate, salty trickle of shared sadness, but a harsh, tsunami of tears, so hot I thought my cheeks would blister. If my reaction to this site took anyone by surprise, it was certainly myself. But with those tears came a sudden epiphany – a deep and startlingly profound understanding of myself, and how I see myself and, hence, my world.

I have always had body image issues. As a young teen I was a curvy, top heavy size 12 and my friends model thin, flat chested size 6 and 8. There has never been a time in my life where I haven’t been focussed on my weight, my size or my shape to one degree or another, and not in a positive way. When I look back now, I am amazed at how good I looked as a teen and I feel sadness that I was so obsessed with wanting to be Kate Moss thin like my friends that I didn’t appreciate how healthy and normal I was.

I had my first child at 19, my second at 22, my third at 31. Each pregnancy saw me stay a little heavier and my body shape change a little more, but I wasn’t obsessed by it, even though I was still always dieting and wanting to look better and thinner. Overall it was ok – my, then, husband liked my body, I was still a size 13/14, and my baby pouch which had nurtured our three babies, was just a part of me.

When my marriage failed everything changed. I found myself in another relationship with an attractive, successful and yet, on reflection, controlling and misogynistic man who had me constantly apologising for my weight and size and just about every other aspect of me. When I fell pregnant naturally at age 43, he stopped touching me – wouldn’t come near me, all physical, and emotional, connection ceased suddenly, and he started a string of affairs with numerous women that continued until I left the relationship with an 18 month old baby and a very differently sized and shaped body. If I thought my body changed after pregnancy in my 20’s and 30’s I didn’t know what to think about the changes from a pregnancy and a natural birth in my early 40’s.

I’ve been living on my own for a year now, but in reality I’ve been alone for three, and if I am honest much longer, as I now know the affairs started before the pregnancy. I suffered severe post natal depression, which continues now as just regular garden variety depression since my daughter is now 26 months old.

Every aspect of my life has deteriorated, including my once successful career, and relationships with my older children, family and friends have been affected and infected as I have isolated myself. I have no confidence, no self esteem, no value in myself. The simple act of dressing every morning is an emotional hurdle finding something to wear that “minimises my fatness”.

I feel inferior to colleagues at work, embarrassed taking my daughter to toddler dance class because of what the other mothers might think of me, I avoid time with dear old school friends because I am embarrassed. I would like an intimate relationship, but can’t even contemplate that a man I would find attractive would even give me a second look – overweight, cellulite, saggy breasts and a, now, very pronounced baby pouch.

If the father of my child rejects me because of how I look, how my body is, how can I expect anyone else to accept me

My epiphany is that I suddenly realised I have allowed the loathing and hate I have for my body to determine the self-image I have in every aspect of my life. And that’s stupid. How I look doesn’t affect my skill at work, or the love I have for my children and family or the quality of my friendships. I’ve spent the last few years investing in tummy tamers, hold me in undies and fantasising about affording a boob job, tummy tuck, arm thinning, liposuction and a multitude of other surgeries to make me “acceptable” to the world.

The reality is, if I do not love me, I can never let anyone else love me. Self-sabotage is a vicious disease.
My body tells my story –every bump, lump, lovehandle, stretchmark and wrinkle – but it does not define who I am. If people can’t see beyond the lumps and bumps on my body that tell my story they doesn’t deserve to be part of that story

I need to see beyond the lumps and bumps on my body that tell my story. I need to accept and love and like myself.
And I suspect that there are going to be a lot more tears before I can do that.

092713-anon-1