First Pregnancy

How do you forgive yourself? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Teen Mom 26 Comments

2 pregnancies 1 birth
Age 6 boy
4 years postpartum
I am 24 years old

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. More excited then ever, I told the father right away but knew deep down my parents would not be happy so I hid it from them. It wasn’t until one evening that my brother and I had gotten into a confrontation that I was forced to tell my parents. My mother took the news well but my father not so well, he disowned me at the age of 17. I graduated high-school and continued my education, had my son in October :) and he was the highlight of my life. soon after a few year later becoming pregnant again but at that point the father left me. I didn’t think I could do things on my own. Taking care of one child, managing school, and work was hard enough. Having another one I thought would only make it harder. Being a young single mother with no help except what I expected at the age of 20. So I had an terminated the pregnancy. And to this day I regret it. Before I got pregnant with either child I was about 100 lbs. With my son I gained 18 lbs and lost it all right away, with my second by the time I had the abortion I had already gained 15 lbs, and after I fell into post postpartum depression. I now weigh 135 lbs. I dont know if I will ever forgive myself for what I did, I know I was not financially stable but its hard.

I am just starting to like myself ever. (Alice)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom 5 Comments

24 years old. 2 pregnancies 1 live birth 1 abortion
My daughter is 5 years old in 2 months. I am almost 5 years pp.

I got pregnant with my daughter a week before my 19th birthday. I was in love with a boy who was “out of my league” but it seemed he was interested in me. We were together for 8 months before we got pregnant. Before that I was constantly trying to keep his attention any way I knew how, but he would flirt and cheat and it made me hate myself and my body.

I am 4’11” and pre-pregnancy I weighed 130 pounds. It was the thinnest I had ever been and I was struggling to be skinny for my boyfriend after being overweight my entire life. I gained 55 pounds during my pregnancy and hated myself every minute for it. After I had my daughter I worked quickly to lose all the weight I had gained but my boyfriend turned husband left me for a 90 pound girl 3 years my junior. I hated myself even more. I then promised myself that I would lose all the weight plus some to show how beautiful I was. After 3 years I decided I was losing weight for the wrong reason and I needed to love myself before anyone else could love me. I changed my diet and lifestyle and I wanted to be healthy rather than skinny. When I started getting my confidence back and stopped looking for love in the wrong places I found my now fiance. He told me he loved me no matter what I looked like! Stretch marks and all! I am proud to say that I am down to a healthy (not starved) 107 pounds. We will be trying to have another baby after we are married and this time I will stay healthy and happy for my baby.

picture 1: 8 months pregnant
picture 2: 1 month pp
picture 3: 4 years pp
picture 4: 4.7 years pp still stretch marked but feeling better about me

My Body is a Battlefield (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

18 months post partum
1 pregnancy
1 birth by C-Section
Age:24

First I have to say – THANK YOU so much to the creator of this site and everyone who has participated. You have all made me feel sane and normal when I thought for sure I was losing my mind. Women are real, strong, beautiful, courageous people who deserve far more than to feel belittled by the cover of Cosmo magazine every time we go to the grocery store. Thank you to everyone fighting the good fight.

This is my story…

My body is my worst enemy.

Seriously.

But I still love it.

I’ve had body issues as long as I can remember – normal teenage girl stuff like most women. But when I became an athlete most of that went away. I swam division one in college. I was strong, muscular and fast. My body was thick, my shoulders were broad, I was still bigger than some girls on the team, but it did what it was supposed to do: it won races.

Through swimming I tore both of my shoulders and had reconstructive surgeries, gave myself permanent nerve damage in my right arm, made both of my knees crooked and painful to walk on, and had injections in my hips from painful bursitis. I had to quit swimming when they couldn’t fix the nerve damage. Ever since I’ve felt like my body is my enemy. It is not functional. It doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. I’m still living with the chronic pain.

I got married to an incredible man – the love of my life – after my junior year of college. Five months later we found out we were expecting! I managed to finish my degree and graduate, but I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I had my own plans. But not anymore. My life became completed absorbed into my physical experience. My body didn’t handle pregnancy well. From 16 weeks of nausea, to heartburn, sciatica that made me fall down, to knees and hips that felt like they were going to fall out of their sockets. I worked out for 2 hours five days a week, untilI had pre-term labor that put me in the hospital at 30 weeks, then bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. Then I had prodromal labor for five weeks and went directly into transition phase with no breaks between contractions when my water broke. After two hours of screaming my brains out ignored by the nurses in the hospital they discovered that the baby was breech, his heart rate was dropping and I needed an emergency C-section. My spinal didn’t take, so they had to knock me out. I woke up to see my husband holding a little bundle. He showed me our beautiful and perfect son. But I forgot quickly because I was still coming out of the anesthesia and he had to show me again several times.

I still grieve not actually “giving birth.” I’m sad that I didn’t hear my baby’s first cry or see him come out, mess and all. I’m sad that my husband didn’t either because he couldn’t come in the room when they knocked me out. Once again, I feel like, my body failed me.

As much as I HATED being pregnant I equally LOVE being a mother. My son is the light of my life and a constant joy! From the first second I saw him, everything was okay. I love devoting my life to my family, and any earlier feeling of being upset at graduating college to immediately become a stay-at-home mom is gone. There is nothing that could drag me away!

Recovery was rough, but the worst part was that my nerve pain became far worse after giving birth. I felt like someone was putting cigarettes out along my spine. I still had (and have) sciatica, knee pain, and hip pain. Some days I can’t walk up stairs or pick up my son. I became so injured when swimming because all of my joints are naturally loose or hypermobile, so they banged up easily with 20 hours of training each week. When pregnancy introduced the hormone relaxin into the mix, I literally fell apart. Now I hobble around, have nerve pain spiking out of every joint, and will be having major back surgery to fix my scoliosis and relieve the chronic pain.

We’re very excited to be adopting our next baby, hopefully this summer!, as we work with doctors to try to “fix” my body. I’m not sure if I will ever get pregnant again. Maybe one day. But we are committed to adopting this year, then we’re going to start an international adoption to adopt siblings a year or two from now. Learning about adoption and the plight of 143 million orphans around the world has seemed to help all of this make sense. If I am in this much pain so that I will give a mommy and a daddy to three orphaned children – then it is all well worth it.

My body image after birth was (is still is) pretty awful. My breasts became about 100% stretch marks. My tummy has them too, but I don’t mind them so much. My C-section scar is crooked. I have a wrinkle over my belly button – though I’ll admit I actually think its kind of cute. I still struggle to let my husband see me naked because all I see is fat, stretch marks, and loose skin. I assume that’s what he sees too. He thinks I’m crazy and tells me I’m gorgeous every single days without exception. Nonetheless, sSome days I don’t want to leave the house because my pants won’t zip or my shirt is too tight. I know that’s stupid. But on those bad days it takes over my mind. But I know that I am healthy and I know that I am a mother. I’m trying to grasp the fact that I can lose another 10 pounds, but I will still have stretch marks and loose skin. I need to come to grips with that. But it is so hard.

Because my body is constantly working against me, being in shape and managing my weight is a major priority in my life. The stronger I am and less I weigh (to a healthy extent of course!), the less pain I should be in and the better I feel in general. I hate my body, but I love it too. I want to take care of it. I want it to last another 50 years. I was to be strong, functional, energetic, and ready to live life. I do at least an hour of exercise and physical therapy six days a week. I eat as healthfully as I can (with cookies on the side), cook everything from scratch, and my whole family benefits from that determination.

Posting these pictures is a major part of my accepting my body for what it is: the good, the bad, and the painful. When I saw my most recent picture next to my picture of 9 months pregnant I thought: Wow. How can a body even do that? That is really incredible.

Pictures:
9 months pregnant – wow I was huge, but it was all out in front and you couldn’t even tell from behind
5 days post partum – all see is monster boobs! Milk is coming in!
2 months post partum – check out those bright red stretch marks on my breasts!
7 months post partum – still nursing. We just moved – its a mess!
18 months post partum – breasts went all the way back down
18 months post partum – stretch marks are all silver

Teen Mom (Jessica)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

In January of 2010, I had just turned 18 and was just starting to feel really secure with my looks. I had started to loose weight and was very happy with the way things were going. Then I met a boy. One thing led to another and I got pregnant. Before my pregnancy, I weighed around 215 lbs. At the time of delivery, I weighed in at 270! This was very hard for me to handle… I had an all natural delivery and gave birth to a very handsome baby boy. I breastfed my baby for his first 4.5 months. After my milk dried up, my breasts looked so flat and saggy, not to mention nearly two sizes smaller… My body had changed so much, and I didn’t know how to take it. Now I am six months postpartum, and I have lost 20 pounds, but I still look pregnant! Oh and the stretch marks! They are EVERYWHERE. I just want to get back to my pre pregnancy body! I would feel better about myself than I do now!

And to all of you ladies who do share your stories and pictures, I very much appreciate it!

My World Changed When He Entered It (Samantha)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 3 Comments

21 years old, 2 1/2 year old son

As a teenager I was always very self conscious of my body. I was constantly striving to maintain that “perfect” look. I was modeling and working hard to break into that extremely difficult world. I never had to work out or diet to stay in shape, I was just naturally thin. 3 months after I turned 18 I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 4 years. I was very excited and thought I would be able to bounce back right after having him. I was wrong. For about a year after my beautiful son, Donte, was born I hated my body and was uncomfortable with myself almost all the time. A minute didn’t go by that I wasn’t trying to think of ways to get back in shape. I was working out, I was eating healthy and still nothing was helping. As time went by I became more and more comfortable with myself and realized that this Mommy body IS my perfect look. Nothing else matters! I brought a funny, gorgeous, smart little boy into this world and I wouldn’t change that for anything. My world no longer revolves around being thin or feeling comfortable in a bikini. I really could NOT care less if I never wear a bikini again. My world now revolves around that baby boy that came from my womb and I embrace every new curve I have gained from him.

Picture 1- 9 months pregnant
Picture 2 and 3- 2 1/2 years postpartum
Picture 3- My adorable son, Donte, being the goober he is <3 [gallery]

Young Mom to Two Gifts (Kathryn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 1 Comment

I had my sons close together my oldest will be 2 in June 6/16/09 3:16pm 6 pounds 6 ounces 21 inches long! My pregnancy with him was horrible I was nauseous from 6 weeks up until I delivered at 39w 2d I threw up frequently but really didn’t loose much weight oddly. I had him at 18 I weighed 154 I had been that size since I was 14. Day of delivery I was 167 or 169 at my 6w check up I was 154 but my pants didn’t fit because my fat moved around didn’t really bother me that much. When my oldest was 6 months I found out I was pregnant again!! I was happy that my first born would have a pal to play with. My second pregnancy was wonderful up to 35-36 weeks I was nauseous the normal 8w-12w. I never vomited with him and a wonderful pain free birth and he was born on my 20th birthday Sept 9th 2010. He was 6 pounds 6 ounces 19 inches long 10:51am I actually got to breastfeed him for a week up until we found out that he had a dairy/soy allergy and reflux. I was fine to quit nursing I was in so much pain from it because my milk came in. I recovered from his birth fine and was out driving the next day didn’t even use my pain meds. At my 6 week check up I was 150 something but now I am 173 and have a whole mess of stretch marks they don’t bother me what bothers me is the flabby fat my stomach and thighs are the worst but I don’t diet and I don’t eat healthy and I’m not really active but that’s about to change when I start work in June! I am thinking about buying a Wii fit I heard positive things about it. When it really gets to me I just look at my youngest and he gives me a huge smile and I know he loves me so its worth the extra 23 pounds to have 2 gifts in my life.

Age:20
Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 2 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my oldest 2 in June youngest 6 1/2 months
I am 6 1/2 months pp

1st one is me at 36 weeks with my second.2nd one is the day my 2nd was born.3rd one is 24 hours after having my first and the last one is my oldest at 21 months

Almost 5 Years Later (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I became pregnant at 19 and gave birth 2 months after I turned 20 to a little girl. Didn’t know till I was over 3 months along that I was even pregnant. Had NO symptoms at all. Peeing a lot and vanishing period were normal for me haha, so thought nothing of it, till I just had a “feeling” and tested. Turned positive immediately. I never wanted children, so I was going to abort, but hormones took over and I obviously had her and very glad I did. I am 5’9″ and weighed about 127lbs at the time I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth I was 164lbs. Right after delivery, I weighed 140lbs, then 3 weeks later, was down to 130lbs. I have been bouncing around 119lbs-138lbs now for almost 5 years. I have very few very light stretch marks on my stomach, but my breasts are covered in them. I was an A cup and went to a full D cup before I “dried up”. I chose not to breast feed for personal reasons. My breasts literally deflated and until recently were so flabby and gross I was mortified and ashamed. But they have filled out to a full B cup (weird, don’t hear of that really happening). June of ’09, I had a complete miscarriage and again, had no idea I was pregnant. I was trying out Nuva Ring and it failed.. I was feeling terrible and took it out about 2 months after use (I didn’t give myself a week to have a period inbetween months, just put a new one it) and a week later, started bleeding. Thought it was my period, but I bled very heavily and passed a ton of clots. Then, I passed the entire little placenta and sac.. I didn’t know what it was, so I took it to the ER with me in a baggy. Sounds gross, but I thought it was a piece of my uterus that had fallen out or a tumor and was really scared! They confirmed it was a miscarriage and I had been about 6 wks pregnant. I was honestly thankful I miscarried, I didn’t want another baby. I had a tubal ligation (burned only) November of ’09 at age 23. I DO NOT recommend this!! I have since had THE WORST pms ever! Severe nausea, hot flashes, terrible mood swings, random bouts of crying, alcohol intolerance, anxiety attacks, breast swelling to a full size or more larger and painful, cramping so severe I am doubled over in pain and in tears… list goes on. I deal with this about half of each month. Doctor whom did it wont see me again because I have Medi-Cal (but he had no problem doing the procedure, go figure). But, I am glad for the most part I can’t become pregnant again, one child is enough for me:-)

The Beauty of Natural Childbirth to a First Time Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 11 Comments

Age: 22
Number of Births: 1
Age of my child: 8 months

The first time I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited and looking forward to bringing a new addition into the household. Unfortunately, I miscarried in the first trimester. I was completely devastated and for months it was the only thing I focused on. My husband and I went on to get married a month after the miscarriage and after a few months I was able to get back to my normal self. That was when the magic happened! I found out the day after Halloween of 2009 that my husband and I were expecting again. I was nervous the first few months that I would lose this baby as well, but the pregnancy went perfectly. I gained a total of 26 pounds taking me from my original 127 to 153 when I gave birth. We both wanted me to give birth naturally because we personally feel that it was the best choice for me. We watched lots of videos like The Business of Being Born and read up on many articles on the internet. I became very comfortable with the idea of a natural birth. The rest of my pregnancy was a breeze. The only stretch marks I received were a few small ones on the sides of my breasts, I only had about 4 weeks of morning sickness in the beginning ( although it felt like an eternity ha ha). My husband walked with me every evening to get some fresh air and exercise, and I had no swelling of the hands or feet. Finally, the day came for my daughter to be born. I was 38 weeks and my water broke at roughly 2:40am in the morning. We packed up a few things and made it to the hospital by 3:00am. Once I got settled in the room I started having very strong contractions. I knew that labor was going to go quick. I wanted to give in a few times and opt out of the natural birth my husband and I had planned because the pain became unbearable, but my husband was wonderful and talked me through it. Also, when the nurse checked me it was too late. I was 8cm and very close to giving birth. A few painful contractions and some pushes and an episiotomy later I gave birth to a beautiful 6lb 12oz baby girl at 5:10am. I feel in love with her right away and apparently bawled my eyes out (so hubby says). I breastfed her right away and still do to this day, although I do supplement baby foods as well. I think the breastfeeding really helped to shrink my tummy back up. I took pics of my postpartum from about 1 week post to 6 months post. It’s amazing how your body changes! But with some healthy eating and a great workout plan like what I’m doing….you are sure to get your sexy back ;)

I now weigh 120 lbs…7 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight

Pictures as followed:
#1 Pre-pregnancy
#2 30 wks Pregnant
#3 38 wks Pregnant
#4 At the hospital with contractions
#5 My daughter at one day old
#6 1 wk Post Pregnancy
#7 2 wks Post Pregnancy
#8 3 wks Post Pregnancy
#9 6 months Post Pregnancy side view
#10 6 months Post Pregnancy front view
#11 My little girl at 7 months
#12 My little girl and I at 8 months

Did you know? (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Update 23 Comments

Previous posts here, here and here.

My baby is 20 months old.
My body is 20 months postpartum.
We had a natural birth.
We breastfed for 13 months.
I’m 23.
………………………………………………………………………………………

I didn’t know you could “give it 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, etc” and still not be where you want to be.
I didn’t know people were gonna be so wrong when they assured me “Don’t worry, a first pregnancy doesn’t do any damage.”
I didn’t know my boobs would be so empty, so used up, so covered in scars after this whole ordeal of motherhood began and flourished.
I didn’t know the stretch marks on my thighs would illicit so many comments at the pool.
I didn’t know my hair would fall out, my eyesight would get worse, and my hands would go numb during/soon after pregnancy.
I didn’t know the postpartum stomach I’ve worked so hard on, the one I’m now OK with (mostly) and so proud of would confuse and even disgust the few I chose to show it to.
……………………………………………………………………………………….

I didn’t know I could love someone so much I’d pray over them while they slept.
I didn’t know I could get by on so little sleep and still smile.
I didn’t know I’d build such amazing forts that my son would play in them for hours.
I didn’t know a couple of words could make my whole heart melt: “I want mama!”
I didn’t know 20 months later, I’d still be saying, “Don’t get any bigger! This phase is my favorite so far!” and mean it each time.
I didn’t know I could love my husband more but every time I see the resemblance between my little baby and my big baby, watch out! More love.
………………………………………………………………………………………..

I don’t know how I’ll ever let that little baby go and grow up on his own when it’s time.
…………………………………………………………………………………………

What didn’t you know?
What do you wish you’d known?
What have you learned?
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Know this: We are mothers! We are amazing.

Pics: The ever controversial postpartum stomach. Covered in stretch marks. Flapping with extra skin. I know. Get over it.

Winter Update (Vi’s Mama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo 4 Comments

Hi everyone.
I posted an entry here over the summer, but a lot has changed since then.
I’ve been continuing to struggle with my body image. I constantly obsess over it, and i don’t want it to rub off on my daughter. Recently i got my belly button pierced and a tattoo designed by my friend on my hip.
I don’t know what it is, but suddenly i feel more confident about my body. Maybe it’s because i feel that the piercings and tattoos take away from the stretch mark scars. Either way, it’s such a relief to look in the mirror and be okay with what i’m seeing.
I hope someday soon i can be okay with my belly with or without decoration. Until then, whenever i feel insecure all i have to do is look at my beautiful daughter and it all feels worth it.
Thanks for listening :)