Children with Health Complications

“I don’t care what I have as long as it’s healthy.” (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 20 Comments

Previous posts:
Missing my baby boy and expecting my second.
5 Weeks PP Second Baby
2.5 Months Postpartum, Second Cesarean in 2.5 Years
6 Months PP Update
15 Months PP Update
I Need Some Help

Age: 25
Pregnancies & Births: 2 pregnancies and 2 cesareans
How far pp: Connor would be 5.5 and Liam is 2.10

You hear it all the time. It is the most popular pregnancy conversation: “Do you want a boy or a girl?”, “I don’t care what I have as long as it’s healthy.”. For some reason this actually bothers me. Do I understand why we as mothers want our children to be healthy? Of course I do! However, children with challenges; whether it be a cleft palate, a heart condition, down syndrome, Marshall Smith syndrome, or cystic fibrosis; are the most perfect children. They are happy, strong, amazing little bundles of joy. It is an honor to bring these miracles into the world. Of course all babies are miracles, but these children are even more so. It is a miracle in itself that they survived pregnancy and birth! Connor may not have been healthy, but he was most certainly perfect! This is what I used to say when I was pregnant with Connor’s brother, Liam…”I don’t care what I have, as long as it’s happy.”. Isn’t this what really matters in life? We all strive for happiness. This is why we find love, get married, have children, pick jobs that we love, want to make good money…it is all to be happy. Most special needs children do not even need to try for this. Look around, now many depressed down syndrome children do you know? They are happy, they are loved, and they are miracles. So, I ask you to do this…the next time someone asks you what you want, tell them, “I don’t care, as long as it’s happy!”…this will make them look at the growing inside of them in a whole different light :)

Tanner’s Mommy (Chelsi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, NICU, Submissions 9 Comments

Age- 20
Number of pregnancies and births- 1
Age of of your children- 2years

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I was so terrified, I didnt know what to do. My boyfriend, tanners dad… Was there for me threw everything and still is. When i was 3 months pregnant I told my mom, my parents didn’t take it well. Which was expected. Within the next week I went to my doctor to make sure everything was alright and have a ultrasound. It was me, my boyfriend, and my mom in the room. At first everything looked fine. Just an adorable lil baby. Then the ultrasound tech decided to take one last look… She stopped, started to look at the screen very closely. I immediately knew something was wrong. She told me that she was going to send me to another hospital that could see my baby clearer, because she saw something on his stomach… But she couldn’t see exactly what it was. The next week we had another appointment at the specialist. That week waiting for our appointment to come, was the longest week of my life. I had no idea what could be wrong with my baby. Waiting for my name to be called in the waiting room was the hardest thing… I was so nervous. My boyfriend couldn’t make it because of work. Even though my mom was there, I felt so alone. They took me back into the ultrasound room. When she started, the first thing I looked at was his heart, i saw it beating and was imeadiatly relieved. When the ultrasound was over, the waiting began again. My doctor finally came into the exam room, she was holding a whole bunch of pamphlets, a notebook and a pen. She sat down and said. Your baby has something called Gastroschisis The word was so big.. It was so scary hearing it. I had no idea what that ment. She started drawing on her notebook…. She said Gastroschisis is when a baby is born with the intestines on the outside. It happened because the hole in his abdomen didn’t close all the way. So the intestines come out the hole cause there is room for them to do so. I was speachless. I’ve heard about this on the discovery channel.. I never thought this would happen to me, or my baby. She told me that everything will be alright and that there are doctors in that very hospital that could help him when he was born. I couldn’t figure out why this happened, was it something i did? Was it something i didn’t do? I took my prenatal vitamines like i was sopost to. The doctor told me that they dont know why this happenes, i could have been cause i was so young. Over the next couple weeks till our next appointment all i did was research. Even though Everything that i read was very positive. I was still scared out of my mind. Over the next few months we met with NICU nurses and surgeons. They all told me the same thing.. He was going to be okay. When he was born they would take him and place his lower half in a bag to keep out all the bacteria. Then he would be taken into surgery. They couldn’t know how much of his intestines were out till he was born, so we could only hope that it wasn’t very much. Because if there wasn’t a lot they could do everything they needed to in one surgery and then then let him recover. But if there was a lot out, they would have to put something called a silo around the intestines, so that in time(a few days to a few weeks) the intestines would retract back into his body. I just wanted to do whatever was best for my baby, whatever would make him better so he could have a normal life. We got everything set up, ready for his arrival. My doctor thought it would be best if I was induced, so that we could control when he came so that we could make sure the surgeon and all the nurses would be there. On October 25th, me and my boyfriend left the house at 11:00 on our way to the hospital. The whole car ride there, I didn’t actually believe we were going to have our baby that night. I was strangely calm. We got to the Check in desk, they told me that my doctor actually put me down for midnight the next day. Which was strange, it’s like I knew that was going to happen. They told me to come back at 7:00 am. We then once again started our way back to the hospital. This time was a different story, I knew today was the day that my life would change for ever. I was so scared for my baby. All I wanted to do was keep him with me where I knew he was safe. I got induced shortly after 8:00 am. I was 39 weeks and 5 days. They placed a half of a pill ‘down there’ that was sopost to start contractions… That didn’t work so they placed the other half. Still nothing. They decided to place a vaginal balloon to stretch me so that hopefully that would start contractions. Contractions slowly started to happen, but more that anything I just wanted to sleep, since I didnt get very much sleep the night before, I was very tired. Things started to pick up, I couldnt sleep. They gave me a shot in my hip to help me sleep. Which helped for a minute then i ended up puking my guts out. Since I couldn’t sleep we watched Knocked Up (probably wasn’t the best to watch right before giving birth). Right after the movie ended things started to go really fast. I ended up getting a epidural. A little while later my doctor came in a checked me. I was at 10 centemeters. They took me back into the surgery room, so that i could deliver. 42 minutes later I gave birth to a beautiful 7 pound, 19in baby boy. They held him up to show me then he was taken away. I got to see him an hour after he was born in the NICU. My boyfriend wheeled me in once in saw his bed I immediately broke into tears. When in saw him for the first time, my jaw dropped. He was so beautiful, so perfect. He had a full head of black hair. He had his dad’s nose. They had him sedated. We only had a short time with him before he had to be taken back to surgery. When we left I gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him that his mommy loved him very much, everything was going to be okay. I would be there when he woke up. We were taken back to the recovery part of the labory and delivery. We sat in our room waiting for the call that he was out of surgery and was perfectly fine. About an hour later we got the call. We rushed down to be by his side. He was still the most perfect little boy ever. They were able to do what they needed to in one surgery. Now for the first time in 5 months i could breathe. Even though i knew there were still hard days ahead of us. I knew the hardest part was over, the next couple of days were very important. They told me he would spend at minimum a month in the NICU. Next We needed to see if he could absorb the liquid food he was getting threw this IV and that he could poop. After a couple days of waiting, i changed his diaper, when I saw his lil poop, I jumped up and down and said u did it baby, u did it! Since we knew his intestines weren’t damaged from being out so long in the whomb. We had to wait for him to start eating breast milk, finally the time came to actually feed him. That was the first time we were able to be alone. Just me and him. Even though we were still in the hospital. I forgot about all that, it was just be and my baby boy. He quickly started eating more and more. I put everything on hold to be there with my baby over the month he was in the hospital and after he came home. I didn’t want him to be alone for one second. I spend everyday and night that he was in the NICU, right there by his side. We made it to his 1 year appointment! They said that his inside incision was comepletely closed and that he was as perfect as perfect could be. They told me I had nothing to worry about anymore, I still found myself checking his belly bottom to just to make sure. Over the next year he grew, and grew. He met all his milestones. Since then, I’ve graduated high school (on time) , now making plans for college, we even got our own place. Were doing really good. Its almost his second birthday and he’s still perfect! He’s sooo big and smart, he’s the smartest lil boy in the world and he’s all mine! Everyday I thank god for helping my baby threw the hard times. I’m the luckiest mommy in the world! Thank you for taking time to read my story! It means a lot!

First picture- The day Tanner was born.
Second picture- His first day home.
Third picture- Almost 2 years old.

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Birth, Cesarean, Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 17 Comments

23yrs old –postpartum 8 months.
Angel Jae born to heaven, mum of girl and boy, step mum of girl and boy.

I found myself thinking back as I watched my sick child in deep slumber in the early hours of this morning. I couldn’t remember the life I had before one, then three, then four little lives were following in the footsteps of my own life and experiences. Waking after the little amount of sleep I got that night has brought me to the place I am right now. A million memories running through my heart and my mind. My story is one of emotion, happiness in the birth of my children, the horror, abuse and fear of my past and the excitement and wonder of where my life is going.

I am a mother of an angel and four… well sort of.

I suppose to do this correctly I need to start from the very beginning. I am a young mother. This is Jae’s story. I was almost 17 when I had the flutter of nerves and excitement waiting for that pregnancy test to say yes or no. In my head if it said yes I was already a mother. I come from a good home with loving parents and I was in a stable relationship that I had been in going on 5 years by this stage. So a baby was not something I was scared of, in fact I wanted nothing more. There it was those two little lines ‘Pregnant’. What do I do? Who do I tell first? How will they react? My fiancé… Anger, rage, hurt. 19 weeks in, we’re having a boy. He snaps. He’d hit me before, I should’ve known he’d do it again. Three broken ribs, two black eyes, a broken wrist and My precious Angel Jae watching over me forever more. I still think about him and miss him each and every day. The pain is still as raw as if it were new.

He was sorry, He didn’t mean to hurt me. He wouldn’t leave, I couldn’t escape.

One year later, I’m late. Crying, alone and terrified at the possibility. I was in the dirty bathrooms at the local shopping centre, my hands shaking as I ripped off the wrapper. The next five minutes seemed to last for an eternity. There they were, clear as day… those two little lines, ‘pregnant’. This is Rose’s story. He is furious this time, “Get rid of IT before I do”. 14 weeks, My escape! He’s a cheater as well as a woman beater. The ‘other woman’ probably saved my life. I’m petrified with every strange feeling and my ever expanding belly. He found me. The threats and torment continued from him right through my pregnancy, “I will get you. I will kidnap and kill it rather than pay for it”. The stress bringing on contractions and high blood pressure, but my Rose she is strong and she is safe. She was born by emergency caesarean after complications weighing almost 10pounds. She is a beautiful child living with a disability. She is the reason I ate, slept, moved. She is the reason I survived.

We call my stretch marks “Mummy Marks” and believe you me I have mummy marks all over! And my “Smile” is a little bit wonky but Rose says that it’s the smile God gave me because the one on my face wasn’t big enough to show how much I loved her. My “smile” is My Breasts – the eyes that in her eyes only a mummy has. My stretched and misshapen belly button is the nose, which she loves to tickle and finally my wonky caesarean scar makes my smile. The smile that God gave me in the hands of the surgeon that brought my child safely into the world and is a permanent reminder of the memory that makes me smile and fill to the brim with so much love that the smile on my face just wasn’t enough.

Time kept passing as it always has. I met a man. Could I trust him? Will he hurt me? Will he understand what I’ve been through? Most importantly… Will he accept my child?

He has children too… two of them. A girl, Mary and a boy, Robert. Slowly and cautiously things move forward. He proposes, a carefully planned event with all the children playing a part, at my favourite restaurant in front of a full house of diners. Just like from the start of our relationship he was treating me as if I was the most important thing in the world, as if I were a princess. We move in together and almost immediately there they are again those two little lines ‘Pregnant’ but this time it’s different. It’s exciting and happy and I can share it. What a valentine’s present that news was!

We’re having a boy. 22 weeks in, there’s a car accident, where is the bleeding coming from? Is my baby alright? Phillip’s story. 23 weeks and we are in birth suite being told to get ready. 4cm dilated, Wait – Stop everything! My body and I believe the grace of God stopped everything. We heard the galloping of 10000 horses and we cried together. He’s alright, he’s safe tucked in tight beneath my heart. I stayed in hospital and every day got longer and longer and it was hard to cope. 8 trips to birth suite, drugs… oh the drugs steroids for baby, blood thinners, pain killers, dyes, contrasts, anaesthetics and last but not least epidural and caesarean. We made it! 35 weeks. 5pounds of amazing baby boy in my arms.

It’s funny you know, for as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted four children. I could never in my wildest imagination describe what it feels like inside when I look at my children. All four of them, because they are mine each and every one of them. I love them. The shape of a mother to me is not only the physical but the emotional. What makes a mother whole – her children. They are a part of her living independently outside of her own body.

I don’t know if this is a story for this site, but it is my story. I am a woman and I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a mother and I live for my children. I’m not ready yet to let my face be seen. There is always fear in the back of my mind and my greatest concern is protecting my daughter from the threats made against her.

I was supposed to be happy… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Children with Health Complications, Complications in Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 15 Comments

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 Pregnancies, 2 births
~Children: Two sons, 3.5 and 10 Weeks

My oldest son is three and a half years old. I got pregnant and married right off the bat at 18, and he was born when I was 19. He was an 8 Pound 10 oz miracle, and he blew my mind. He was strong and healthy and amazing. Although I gained 70 pounds, and went up 10 sizes, I eventually went back to normal.
My husband and I originally wanted a very large family, and lots of children. After my first was born I was using Depo for birth control. When we decided to try again we were told the Depo can take a very long time to wear off. As it turned out, it was over 18 months since we decided to try again before we finally got pregnant. A year and a half of tears, frustration, fertility testing and ovulation calendars. During that time I discovered my husband was involved in a long affair with my ‘friend.’ It brought to light a myriad of insecurities I thought I had overcome. Somehow it seemed to justify every self-loathing thought I ever had. It was a very dark time.

We became pregnant this time last year. I was thrilled, I cried, yada yada. I was convinced he was a girl because of how different the pregnancies were. At 20 weeks they told us he was a boy, and I was surprised and pretty relieved. Another boy would be so much easier. They also noticed bright spots of calcium buildup in his heart. These by themselves didn’t mean anything was wrong, but they decided to refer us to a perinatologist just to get a second opinion. That day Rocked my world.

After a long echocardiogram of his heart, the doctor came in to look at some images, and the technician and doctor spoke in a bunch of medical jargon we didn’t understand, and then we had a conference in his office. There we were told our son’s heart was “majorly deformed.” The doctor showed us diagrams, and although it’s been a long time since high-school biology, it was clearly wrong in some obvious ways. He said he could not make the diagnosis himself, but we would have another such exam at the cardiologists office from seattle. I was told I would have to deliver across the state, and if he was born here he would have to be airlifted immediately. He didn’t know how many surgeries he would need, if he would survive infancy, if he would survive childbirth, and what his life would look like if he had some major chromosomal disorder. He outlined some of the conditions associated with a chromosonal problem, including but not limited to physical disability and mental retardation, and said the medical recommendation would be to an amniocentesis. He also delicately explained that the procedure most likely would cause miscarriage, so we needed to know if saving the baby was our priority. He was basically telling us that we could abort him this way. We both said ending the pregnancy was not an option.

In later months we learned he had ‘double outlet right ventricle with transposition of the great arteries and a ventral septal defect.’ Thats a long winded way of saying his plumbing backwards, misplaced, and he has a hole in his heart.

At a future routine checkup, they determined my fluids were dramatically low. They sent me across the street to the hospital to make sure my water was unbroken. I was 36 weeks along. I spent the night in the hospital. During which time, I began strongly and regularly contracting. They established that my water had not broken, and after shots and tranquilizers my labor stopped. They asked me if I would rather be sent home, or flown to Seattle. I of course voted to go home. That night, I went into labor again. I was on procardia to stop contractions, but they just kept coming. When my husband got home from work he drove me to the hospital. I was contracting strong and regularly again, and my plug was gone. They airlifted me to seattle and gave me another shot of hardcore stimulant to relax my uterus. I stopped labor while I was there. I was so frusterated after days of hospital visits and a fucking emergency flight just to be released hours from home. My husband was at home with our preschooler. I was alone that night, and alone when I was discharged. My dad lives in bellevue and drove to pick me up that morning. I stayed with him and my sister who was on leave with the family before her deployment. Two weeks hours from home, in labor on and off, and away from my toddler. I begged my husband to bring him up every chance he got, but the trips were hard on our little guy. My sister took me to appointments, we got to spend a lot of time together, which was a silver lining. At another monitoring appointment the contractions started again. The OB was sure this was the day. She stripped my membranes to save me another night in the hospital for no reason. Later, we went in. I was open 2cm since that afternoon, and admitted. Then, at 3.5 cm, it all just stopped again. My husband drove all night to be there, and my mother in law was in a hotel room with our son. I was sent home, AGAIN, frusterated to tears and in pain. I was 48 hours from 39 weeks, so they would do nothing to progress labor. I was like that for the next 2 days. They broke my water, and I was ready to push in 6 hours. We called my sister to come back, knowing that the delivery room was likely the only place she’d get to meet him before she flew off for deployment just hours later. However, I only pushed 5 minutes maximum. He was COMING, hard and fast. I panicked. Completely panicked. I realized that once they brought him out, he could just die. I was hysterical, but he was coming, and that was that.

…I never got to hold him then. I could hear him screaming, as a panel of neonatal doctors assessed him. They brought him to me for a quick kiss and a glance, then they whisked him into the NICU and that was that. I was exhausted, and devastated. After a few hours they brought me in to see him for a moment before shift change. Then when I was discharged I was able to follow him to Childrens, about 6 hours after I gave birth. As soon as we got to children’s the doctor was on the phone with us, and we had a conversation in the ICU about our son. Loken Mordechai. They said their initial diagnosis was wrong, it wasn’t DORV, but the arteries were transposed and the problem was that the VSD (hole) was not big enough to let his blood mix. Basically, as he breathed, hisbody just kept pumping the same old, oxygenless blood around his body and brain. He was suffocating, essentially. They told me they needed to do an emergency procedure to punch a second hole between chambers, or he would not survive the 10 days until his major repair. Then my husband left. Paniced, basically. Said he needed to be on the road back home for work, but he was running away. His mother was able to stay with me for a while, but I still felt crushingly alone.

In the end, things went great, all things considered. He shows no signs of chromosonal abnormalities. After his first surgery he was doing so well they moved him out of the ICU for a week before his big repair. The people at seattle childrens were incredible. That whole hospital blew my mind with how helpful they could be. They wanted to send him home with a feeding tube, but he was doing so phenomenal at nursing and pulled his own tube out. I’ve never felt so liberated as the day we drove him home. It took us 8hours to make it across the mountains, because we stopped to for every feeding, diaper change and medication, and at the time there was a lot. Eventually they took him off his medications one by one, and finally got his stitches taken out. The cardiologist says to ‘treat him like any other baby.’ It was music to my ears, especially after seeing the other families at the hospital. We were incredibly lucky, and my older son is overjoyed to have a baby brother. He keeps thanking me for him, like he was a gift I brought home just to make him happy.
The whole ordeal was a nightmare. I feel selfish for feeling so ripped off, but I do. I tried for so long, then when the time finally came I was terrified instead of overjoyed. I was alone instead of glowing. I was crying every day, sleeping every night at his bedside. Instead of dreamily doting on him as he slept, I watched his every breath, wondering if it would be his last. Nothing about labor went as it was supposed to. Nothing at all went the way it was supposed too. Now that I’ve come home, I fell changed somehow. Permanently altered in some fundamental, huge way that i can’t identify.

I’ll never be the same.

And I don’t want any more children. I have my two precious gems to hold onto. When my first was born I thought “I want to do this again, I want as many children as I can have! This is so beautiful and magical!” But after the scariest couple months of my life, I never, ever want to do that again. I gained 50 pounds. 30 fell off right away, but then just stopped. They put me on medication for the panic attacks I have now, which I can’t nurse with, so I’m not breastfeeding. I want to, so bad, but I guess it’s just one more thing that won’t be the way I wanted. The nightmares are awful. I hardly eat because of all my anxiety. I have turned to exercise as a comfort though. I always hated exercise before, but now I love it. I feel like a completely different person, and I have to get to know myself all over again. Do I love my body? No. Do I hate my body? No. But I want to make it stronger.

The first three pictures are me 10 weeks post partum with number two. The fourth is a picture of my son at home.The fifth is my two boys. the sixth is my son in the days after surgery: his chest was kept open for five days. The final photo is my son after they closed his chest.

27 Weeks Pregnant With My Fourth Baby, My First Son (Apryl)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Children with Health Complications, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

With my first pregnancy in 1996 I was 20 years old and have hardly a handful of photos to remind myself of that first beautiful 9 months of my life when I was becoming a mother. With my second and third daughters I took more pictures, I had a digital camera by then and taking belly pictures was somewhat easier, I also had timers so I could rely more on myself than my husband or older child, to get pictures when I wanted them.

Last night I was lying in bed reading with no shirt on due to the warmer weather, feeling my son kick the mattress the way my third daughter always used to, and I reached for my camera in the hopes of getting a picture I would really like. The picture I’m sending turned out well for this particular website, I wouldn’t share a photo that includes my breasts anywhere else.

Speaking of my breasts, I have breastfed my three girls a total of 8 years and 11 months. I hope to nurse my son for 2-3 years, if he is the kind of baby who likes to nurse, my third daughter wasn’t a big nurser.

The baby I’m carrying now, my first son, has a hole in his heart, and possibly Down Syndrome, we are hoping for the healthiest possible outcome at his birth, which would include him staying with us, not needing surgery, and being able to nurse right away. His name is Adam.

I am 35 years old, this is my fourth baby, I had two miscarriages years ago at 5 and 9 weeks. I am 27 weeks pregnant right now. My girls are 14, almost 7, and 4

The Thoughts that Plague (Elizabeth Ashby)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Cesarean, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Toxemia 10 Comments

age 22
2 pregnancies and children aged 3 1/2 and 10mnths

I had split up with my boyfriend 2 weeks before I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first daughter. Before the pregnancy I had never been over 50kg in my life (I am 5ft 1in). I smoked 50cigarrettes a day, smoked a lot of pot and drank too much beer. After finding out I was pregnant I completely stopped pot and beer immediately but was only able to cut back to about 5 a day (max) cigarettes. Depending on how sick I was on any given day.

I had intense migraines where I would not be able to move and my housemate would have to pour bits of water into my mouth to try to help me drink. I barely kept any food down the entire pregnancy and swelled out to 65kg.

I complained to my G.P about various problems I was having and he told me I was “a paranoid first time young mum”

I believed him.

At 6mnths I quit work because I was just too sick to continue and moved in with my mother. However as there was no room there as soon as my centrelink was approved I moved in with my ex-boyfriends parents.

When I was 36weeks gestation I woke up one morning at 5am surrounded in blood. I thought I had miscarried. I cleaned myself up as best I could and went and knocked on my ex’s parents bedroom door and asked his mom to drive me to the hospital.

We got to the hospital and after examining me and stabilizing me they informed me that we had probably arrived with around half an hour to spare for my life.

They performed an emergency c-section and my first beautiful daughter was born at 4 lb 2 oz.

When I asked why this had happened they said I had pre-eclampsia but not to worry it shouldn’t happen again.

My wound came open once about a month later and got infected but I gained control and it healed tho the skin for about 2 inches above never really stopped being sensitive.

My ex and I started out our new journey of parenthood fairly angry with each other and fought a lot. However slowly we started to become friends again and then one day we both admitted we were still in love. We got back together when she was 8months old.

I got back to 54kg just before her 1st birthday and proposed to him. He said yes.

We ummed and uhhed about wanting another child and then near her second birthday we decided we did.

We got my implanon rod taken out and 2months later I was pregnant.

The bleeding started at 5 weeks. The migraines, swelling and other issues started again.

This time I didn’t rest until we found a doctor who would look at my problems properly.

They found out I made extremely bad placenta (not very nutritional and clotted easily)

Also I was leaking the amniotic fluid but we were not aware because it was not leaking out of me. Just going into my body somewhere.

At 18weeks a doctor told me that there was a minuscule chance she would be survive and I should have an amniocenteses. I have normally always been against them but I was in so much shock I just agreed.

He put the needle in and it hurt like hell I could feel it wriggling inside me. He then said he’s missed the amniotic sac and would have to try again.

By this stage I was crying. He did it again and once again said he’d missed and wanted to do it again. It was all I could do to choke out “no” and when he tried to argue with me my sister who was with me stood firm for me. He backed off.

So of course I had gone through this horrible experience (my husband said I screamed in my sleep for two weeks afterwards) for no results.

At twenty weeks they told us that we should prepare for the worst. That we were not past the stage where she was a “legal human life’ and that cremation/burial were legally required and if we wanted a funeral.

The entire time they had been berating me for not getting more bedrest. All I could think was you look after my other daughter then!

At 24weeks I went into the hospital for another checkup (they were weekly) and my doctor said she was admitting me immediately as my blood pressure had sky rocketed and therefore the pre-eclampsia was back.

At 26weeks it went even higher, beyond fatal high and they said they were doing another c-section. They weren’t sure how soon. (I was now 73kgs)

My mother fiancé and I spent a horrific 24hours in a hospital birthing suite whilst listening to other women screaming while giving birth. They injected me with something and it felt like my veins were on fire for hours and hours. They kept inserting my catheter wrong but wouldn’t let me go to the toilet properly so I was in pain and discomfort and had to keep getting my gown and sheets changed. My poor mother and fiancé caught my attitude as I got more and more upset.

Finally they told us I was going in. we waited in the anesthetists room for half an hour before they told us it was on hold again. Back to the room we went.

A while later we were back again. They told me I should sit up for the epidural but I told them that for my first c-section I had almost knocked out the nurse leaning over me cuz my back had spasmed when they put the epidural in. He tried to put the epidural in 4 times with me lying down. Then 4 times sitting. He got it on the 8th try.

I was in immense pain the entire time with shooting pains between my hip and knee on my left side and pain all up and down my back. I was crying hard.

My fiance had just stood up to tell him no more when he said it was in. (I have since found out that it was a training doctor. Not happy!)

The surgery went well so to speak. I cried the whole way through, barely remembered her cry when she was out. Then I remember them saying they were going to have to put me under as I was too distraught.

I woke up in a kind of waiting room. My sister came to visit me and said my fiancé was upstairs with the baby. She was born 661g.

I finally got released about a week and a half later. It was extremely hard being in my room with other mums coming and going who had their babies.

An exact month after she was born we got married. A small ceremony with only immediate family and friends at my in-laws house. All up including the celebrant was $1000. (Australian). (I was very proud of that since we do struggle financially but still didn’t want a registry wedding)

When she was 4 ½ months old they finally released her. On oxygen. At 8mnths she came off it during the day then at 9mnths she came off it completely. So it’s still early days but it looks good. She has chronic lung disease and we will have to watch out for so many things throughout her life and have so many doctors appointments but she’s made it.

I am now 77kgs and although I have not increased in weight since our wedding I have not been able to loose any either. I walk and eat well. My wound has come open 3 times so it’s a constant battle.

I have been diagnosed with chronic depression dating back to when I was 13 from having an emotionally abusive relationship with one member of my family. I have been able to battle it with an amazing medication although we are still trying to get a councilor for me that I can afford (the only one we had didn’t want to talk to me because she didn’t think she could help me she claimed).

We have been told that we shouldn’t have any more children. They said the same things would happen and even if they baby survived I very likely wouldn’t.

I am slowly getting better with my image of myself (my husband is amazing) but I still definitely have my down days so I come on the shape of a mother and it helps me lift myself back up.

My thanks to every single person who has helped me in my life and everyone who has posted on here for helping me be a better me.

first photo: before my pregnancies getting ready for work.
Second Photo: when my first daughter was about 11mnths
Third photo: me in my wedding dress and my eldest daughter
Last three photos: me today.

I Need Some Help (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 19 Comments

Previous entries here:
Missing My Baby Boy
5 Weeks PP
2.5 Months PP
6 Months PP
15 Month PP

I have posted on here 4 times already…and my last post was just a 1.5 months ago…but I need some help from you fellow Mamas…I feel so horrible about my body. I want to love it for giving me my boys, but I can’t. I cry about it all the time, and then I cry for crying about it because it gave me Connor and Liam. I just can’t help it. I feel so ugly…I don’t understand how my husband could find me attractive (I usually don’t even trust/listen to him when he tells me I am), I do not see a pretty girl at all. I see a fat, saggy, gross girl every time I look in the mirror. I know I am a good mother, I am just not a pretty mother. I hate my body so much that it is not healthy. If there is nudity in a movie I am watching with my husband I feel horrible, like he would want someone with a body like that instead of mine. I am fat, saggy, and stretched. I want to feel beautiful when I look in the mirror…I love my body for what it did…but not the way it looks. Please help…I exercise and eat healthy, and I am still gross…any exercise advice would be great…Sorry for the vent…I know there are worse things in life (trust me, I know) I just hate living like this…I want to feel pretty

Updated here.

So Many Scars (Audrey)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean) 6 Comments

I’m finally healing on the inside as well as out. I am 18.5 months postpartum. My daughter Shannon was born via cesarean after 46 hours of labor and it was quite the blow for me. She also had an unknown birth defect (omphalocele) that required surgery the day after her birth. I didn’t hold my daughter until two days after she was born.

My journey to motherhood has been painful and my ability to bond with my daughter was severely crippled due to the trauma of the c/s and the following surgery and NICU stay. I finally feel I am beginning to heal from that. Part of it is forgiving my body and learning to accept the physical changes. I recently lost 20 pounds and am finally beginning to accept myself as I am. As I look at these pictures, I see so many scars that each have a story. I myself had surgery as a baby and I still have the scars from that and the feeding tube. It’s an additional link of commonality with my daughter. The stretch marks and especially the c/s scar are barely noticeable these days.

Ignore the bruise – I have taken up hoop dancing as part of my journey to accept myself.

My daughter is the sweetest little girl I could ever imagine. I am so blessed to have her and I treasure every moment. Although I would change the experience of her birth if I could, it IS still worth it. I can finally say that.

The first five pictures are me currently. The 6th is my daughter and the 7th is my belly at 35 weeks.

I CAN Love Me, Finally (E)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 16 Comments

This is a story about love,loss,,discovery and my young body’s journey through motherhood. I guess you can say my journey to motherhood has not been the easiest, but I wouldnt trade the expeirences I’ve had at my young age for anything. I found out I was pregnant with my first child a week before my 15th birthday. I found out while hospitalized for a suicide attempt, I was in the tenth grade,a straight A student, and a very battered little girl. I knew I was pregnant before they even told me, mothers intuition I suppose. As soon as it was a reality, a switch went off and I became this super woman. A strong and confident side of myself I had never encountered before. At the time I was broken up with the father, but right away we had the pressure to “make it work for the baby sake”, which I had a ” whatever” attitude about over the next 8 months. I was an extremely athletic cheerleader. I was 5’3 and 105lbs. Which for my build, was underweight. Ribs and backbones protruding etc. Which oddly was the most confident I had ever been about my body in my entire life. Ive always had a horrible body image for as long as I can remember. At 34 weeks pregnant I found out my son had a heart defect, I was born and raised in Alaska and they didnt have any doctors that could treat a condition of that severity, so I had one day to go home, pack, and ship myself and my mother off to Seattle. Long story short, I had a horrible birth and UW Hospital 9/11/2006 and my beautiful baby boy was immideatly taken to Childrens Hospital. I stopped weighing myself at 185lbs 6 weeks prior to his birth. I literally felt like two of myself. I went from a 34A to a 38DD. My son had open heart surgery at 4 days old, left the hospital at 3 weeks old, and spent 3 weeks at home in Alaska with us before his time here ran out. He was the most precious person I have ever encoutered and changed my life forever. I lost 30lbs right after delivery, but after his loss, I was left with ” this big,fat,strecthed out version of my old self” In my eyes I was huge going from a size 00 to a size 12 and then not having my sweet baby was a recipe for depression. I managed to get myself down to about 130(due to stress mostly) and 9 months post-partum with my son, I found my self pregnant again, this time a sweet baby girl, at the ripe age of 16. Her pregnancy was amazing, I was still self consious but I didnt really show with her until almost my 7th month and after her beautiful water birth, my healthy baby girl was here on 3/1/2008. Mine and her fathers relationship was one for the record books. He was an addict,thief,liar, and everything in between. I raised my daughter by myself, despite the fact we were actually together. After nearly 3 years of abuse I had enough, I took my daughter and moved to Washington from NC(long story how we ended up there), he was soon on his way here, all of a sudden about my daughter. He managed to come and do his damage here aka drug me, rape me, and take pictures and then leave the state. I was mortified ( found the pictures in his jeans pocket, eww). I filed charges and he skipped across the country, never looking back. After years of never “being good enough” skinny enough, flat enough, to deserve to be faithful or loving to. Once he was out of my life, I was left with, What the hell do I do now. What guy at my age is going to be interested in a battered, single mother, and an 18 year old body that has been torn apart by babies? In steps prince charming :). My body took along time to recover from two babies in 18 months. I was left saggy, stretched marked from breast to calf,cellulite, and so self critical it was sickening.At random my crush from middle school(who was everyones crush) messaged me just to say hi, and then began talking to me rather frequently and for the first time in a long time I just let my guard down and let him see the good, the bad, and the ugly right from the start. Assuming he would run away kicking and screaming I kept going, he kept staying. He was a risk,a ladies man, life of the party, insatiably good looking, and everything I never had the confidence to go after previously. This man fell in love with me just the way I was, stretched marked, battered and broken, and told me everyday what a beautiful person I was. At a time I should have felt my best I was more body conscious then ever.This body was not what he was used to looking at,and I did everything I did to hide it. This man left his whole life in Alaska and moved to Washington to be with me, switched companies, and never looked back. So here I sit 19 years old 15 weeks pregnant with my third child, another boy and Im learning to love my body for exactly what it is intended to be, a baby factory.Its an amazing beautiful thing to be born with an ability to give life to another human being from the most beautiful source, the person that you love. So I don’t look like Heidi Klum 3 weeks post par tum but who cares. My body grows, nutures, and feeds another human being and you have to be thankful for just that. It has taken me a long time to appreciate just what my beautiful baby factory can do. I know this story is long but I want to offer encouragement to any mother with a poor self image, anyone who had been sad, battered, and broken and tell you that yes you are beautiful and that there are people who will love and appreciate you for just the amazing person that you are. There is no mold for motherhood. We are the trendsetters in our own lives and now that I have a daughter I hope she can learn and appreciate the female body the way it looks in real life and not what you see on t.v. Its a constant battle for us, but its worth every scar!

Children are: Would have been 4, 2 1/2, and 15 weeks pregnant.
Age:19
Weight 105-185,130-155,115-120 pregnant
Height 5’3

Picture # 1 is 40 weeks pregnant with baby number one
Pic # 2 is my precious boy at 5 weeks old
Pic #3 is 8 months post partum
Pic #4 is the day I went into labor with my daughter
Pic #5 is about 6 months post partum
Pic#6 is my little diva
Pic #7 was 2 years post partum
Pic#8 is my current 15 week bump

6 Months PP Update (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 16 Comments

Previous entries:
First
Second
Third

Age: 23
Children: 2 children
Births: 2 cesareans
PP: 3.5 years pp, and 10 months pp

I am now 10 months pp (these pictures are from 6 months pp, but my body hasn’t changed much since these). I got up to 177 with Liam (I am 5’2”),and I am now 133, so I have about 18 pounds to go. I try to
love my body…it did after all give me Connor (my angel baby) and Liam…but I don’t love it. I do love my stretch marks (they are mostly from Connor, and they are my only physical proof that I had him), but
I HATE my ledge (used to be an overhang, but it has gotten smaller), my big thighs, and loose skin It brings me down on a regular basis…and then it makes me feel bad that I hate it…I made 2 AMAZING boys with this body…shouldn’t I love it for that??? I am 23 and have a horrible body I feel so ugly, even though my husband still finds me so sexy. I am eating healthy (I do not diet because I think it is silly…you should try to always eat healthy, and I am still nursing Liam) and try to exercise at least 5 days a week, but I haven’t
changed much. To be honest, I forget to work out a lot and I am just recently doing better with that (I have a goal this summer for a cute bathing suit I want!!). I hope to love my body some day!

Anyway, Liam is doing great! He is 10 months old, he just started crawling last week, he is such a happy baby too! He reminds me so much of his brother! He is smiling and happy even when he is sick (he has a double ear infection right now) just like Connor. I have my bad moments where I cry a lot because I miss Connor so much…but for the most part I am happy that I had any time with him (even if it was only 19 months). There has yet to be a day that I have not thought of him, and I don’t think there ever will be. I love my boys!!!!

Pictures:
1- 6 months pp side
2- 6 months pp front (any advise on getting rid of the ledge????)
3- 1.5 months pp, 2.5 months pp, 6 months pp
4- Liam almost 10 months
5- about 8.5 months pp
6- my Connor!

Updated here and here.