Child Loss

Getting Used to Me (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage long ago, 1 C-section birth
10 months PP, still breastfeeding
Age: 26

I always wanted to be a mother. I never expected to be a single mother. I had been dating my child’s father for only about a month when I found out I was pregnant. I considered abortion and adoption, but decided that keeping my son was the best thing for me. His father wasn’t much a part of my pregnancy, and so far, he’s not much a part of our lives still. However, my baby is absolutely beautiful. He’s by far and away the best thing that ever happened to me! Every day is now for him, and I wouldn’t change a single part of it, stretch marks and all.

He was a stubborn little fella- decided to join this world 13 days past due. (I wasn’t willing to be induced.) After only dilating to a 6, my cervix actually started to swell shut from the pressure, and I ended up having a C after 21 hours of labor.

I’m still coming to terms with my new body. Pre baby, I was 151 lbs. These days, the scale says 157 lbs, but my shape and my clothes say no way! Everything is different. I went from a size 10 to a size 13. My breasts were a perfect 34D, and now I’m a 36F as a nursing mother. I’ve just started making the effort to get back into shape (this week actually!) but am concerned my tummy will never be the same. My sister has had 3 children (with the exact same gene pool) and her tummy is flat, smooth and seamless. I’ve heard that muscles can separate, and will never return without surgical intervention. I consider it sometimes. However, I’ll see where my fitness plan takes me, and how comfortable I get with my body when I start reaching my goals (not to mention that as a full time mom and student, there’s no way I could afford it.)

Most days, I think I look pretty damn good, especially while clothed. Some days are harder than others. Everest loves to snuggle up in all my body-warmness, and when I really think about it, that’s all that matters.

This is us: (pics)

A Crushing Journey (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 12 Comments

Age: 26
2 Pregnancies 1 Birth
Baby Girl lived to be 2 ½ days old
I am currently 5 months PP

I come on this website often. Just to look at all you wonderful ladies and listen of the journeys that you have had. My journey has been a hard one of recent. Losing a child would never be an easy one. Lily was born after an almost perfect pregnancy. By almost I mean at the very end (41 weeks) my placenta separated from my uterine was and my precious Angel was deprived of oxygen due to her severe loss of blood. It was only a matter of time before the damage that had been done finally took her life. And I can honestly say that the single most amazing moment of my life was when I finally got to hold her and she looked up and me and my husband to say goodbye – the moment before her little heart stopped beating.

To work through many emotions I must admit I was pretty hard on my body. And by the 3rd month PP I had lost all of my pre pregnancy weight – despite the fact that I needed to take it easy due to my c-section. By 4.5 months PP I was 10 lbs below my original weight and then I stopped. It was although my mind finally clicked. No matter how hard I was on my body – she was not going to come back to me.

This month we have started trying to conceive again. Although I wanted to try again before now. Emotionally and physically I truly don’t believe I was ready before now.

I worry that new stretch marks will take the place of the old ones that remind me of Lily and that scares me.

And more than anything I worry that something like this will happen again.

Thank-you so much for listening.

Pictures: 1st me at 38 weeks pregnant 2nd me at 3 months PP

Learning to Be Kind to Myself (Rebekah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breech Baby, Breech Birth, Child Loss, Homebirth, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 14 Comments

My age: 29
2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 birth
10 months postpartum

First I want to say thank you to all the brave women who have posted their stories and photos here. You have helped me to heal.

I also want to say to any women out there who are struggling right now: Your thoughts are powerful. I have brought myself to some dark places with negative thoughts. But you can choose to be kind to
yourself!

Here are some of the negative thoughts I have had (maybe you can relate):

I am ashamed of my body’s ugliness. I compare myself to other women who are more beautiful than me, who were lucky to have better genes. I grew up being told, as if I needed reminding, that I was not a “real
woman,” that I had scrawny legs, no hips, no butt. Pregnancy did not improve my body. I gained an embarrassing amount of weight and since having my baby I’ve worked hard to lose it all. But now I am covered in stretch marks and flab, and left with a belly more grotesque than I ever could have imagined. I had no idea all this would happen to me just from having a baby.

I gained more than 60 pounds in my pregnancy because I wasn’t careful. I was lazy. I over-ate. I was stupid and now I’m paying for it. My wrinkled belly is mushy, like an empty bag. Its texture is like a
wrinkled, doughy brain. It’s alien; it’s disgusting. It’s the belly of an old decrepit woman. My belly button was once cute; now it’s a deep, droopy hole. My breasts are pendulous—they hang down like tube
socks full of sand. They are asymmetrical, unattractive, saggy, and covered in blue veins. They’re not supposed to lie down on my stomach like this.

Why didn’t I appreciate the smooth belly and perky breasts when I still had them? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones who got to keep their youthful bodies? It is so unfair and I am so angry!

What the hell has happened to me? My body is disfigured, destroyed, no longer youthful, no longer sexy. I feel so sorry that I’m not desirable for my husband anymore, because he deserves better. I know he doesn’t feel the same passion for me anymore, and why would he?

I will need to hide my belly for the rest of my life now, under long shirts. I don’t want anyone to see me because I know I’m not normal. Nobody else I have ever seen in my life has a belly like this! It’s
not just a few little stretch marks—my skin hangs in big loose wrinkles—my skin is DESTROYED. Nothing I do short of surgery can fix it. As if the loose skin isn’t bad enough, my butt, hips, and thighs are covered in scars—stretch marks so deep they have left deep grooves in my once-smooth skin.

I would like to wear a bikini proudly but I’m afraid that people will stare and wonder what’s wrong with my belly, give me pitying looks, suggest a tummy tuck. Other women will secretly take pleasure in my
disfigurement because it places me below them. Men will look at me with interest until they get close enough to see the details, and then they will be horrified and turned off.

I look fine with clothes on, with a bra holding my breasts up where they’re supposed to be, with clothing covering all the wrinkles, and I feel like a walking lie. Other women compliment me on losing the baby
weight, and tell me they’re jealous of my figure. I accept the compliments and feel like a fake. I purposely project an air of confidence but it’s all fake, fake, fake. What would everyone think if they saw me naked? Any man who saw me naked would be disgusted. Why would any man, my husband included, choose to look at ME when there are so many perfect women to look at? I am a has-been, not even 30 yet and past my prime. I no longer matter and I am so ashamed, so depressed.

And HERE is me choosing to be kind to myself:

I am a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! I am petite, but with a curvy and feminine shape. I am healthy, sexy, voluptuous, lush, long, limber, strong, soft, admired and even envied for my lovely body.

When I was pregnant my body did exactly what it needed to do, in its innate wisdom. I was a good mother from the start, and I took good care of my baby and myself while I was pregnant. I walked and did yoga. I spent so many hours reading and researching. I carefully planned my meals to make sure my baby got the nutrients he needed. I didn’t do anything wrong. I suffered through great discomfort with grace.

I celebrate my beautiful belly, my womb, and what it has done. I gave birth to my strong and healthy son, breech, at home, with a 7-hour labor, only 30 minutes of pushing and no tearing—that is a feat to be proud of! My body has everything it needs to bring new life into the world—to nurture a tiny cluster of cells and help it grow into a fetus, into a happy little boy, into a new PERSON in this world! That in itself is mind-boggling. I have given birth to a child. I have been a vessel for NEW LIFE. I am directly in tune with all the creative forces of the universe. My feminine abilities are pure, raw, and intense. I am creative energy in action! I am in awe of my womanhood and my body. I am so BLESSED to have been born female.

My belly is normal. There are many different types of postpartum bellies, and many other beautiful mothers have similar soft layers and networks of wrinkles. The skin of my belly is delicate, velvety and interesting. I am happy to bear the marks of motherhood (and such unique and fascinating marks at that!) The stretch marks on my thighs, butt, hips, breasts and belly are starting to fade to silver. They are gorgeous tiger stripes. The grooves of the deeper ones create a sexy texture on my thighs, like built-in fishnet stockings.
They’re cool!

My breasts are full and sensual with a pleasant weight to them. They make sweet, nutritious milk for my baby. He drank nothing but the milk from my breasts for 6 months and it made him grow big, strong and
healthy. At 10 months old, he still gets most of his nutrition from my milk, which keeps him happy and secure. My breasts are a source of delight, comfort and nourishment.

My husband is not bothered a bit by the changes to my body. He still finds me as irresistible as ever, and more importantly, I am the mother of his child. He now views me with a new kind of pride, love and respect. He sees me as a beacon of strength. I am his lady, his rock.

It is wonderful to be alive. It is wonderful to experience the gift of motherhood, and I am blown away with gratitude for my life and my family. I am capable of a love that transcends words. I am capable of far more than I realize. My body is beautiful, but my spirit is even more beautiful, and it shines through. I am beautiful!

I have been through a lot of changes, and feelings of loss and self-doubt are to be expected. They are a normal and healthy part of new motherhood. I am allowed to feel them in passing, but I will not let them rule me. I can choose a positive attitude.

I am only 10 months postpartum and the transformation my body has undergone, from small to gigantic to small again, is nothing short of incredible. My body, even now, is still changing. I must be patient and gentle with myself. I choose to respect my body and take good care of it. My many hours of hard work exercising and eating healthful foods are paying off. My healthy glow is apparent to all who see me. I choose to give myself and my body the same unconditional love and reverence I give to my beautiful son as I watch him grow.

And I may have to work up to it, but I KNOW in time I will have the courage and confidence within me to rock that bikini, in public, in the full light of day. Other people and their twisted cultural standards be damned!

Pictures 1-3 are my beautiful, pre-baby body. Picture 4 is my beautiful 37-week pregnant belly, full of life. 5-7 are my beautiful wrinkly belly, beautiful droopy breasts, and beautifully tiger-striped hip at 10 months postpartum. 8-10 are me rocking my bikini! (This is in the privacy of my back yard, in front of only my husband. I have yet to show my belly in public but I will get there!) And pictures 11-12 are my son, at 2 months and 7 months.

Another Update (Dolly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Previous posts here and here.

After a few years we have decided to try again. In April 2010 (6 weeks) I found out that I was pregnant again. The same day I went in to get my IUD removed I started to miscarry, I again became pregnant June 2010 (again at 6 weeks)and miscarried again . So I now have 3 babies in Heaven. I do not plan to stop trying but will continue to hope for more. My two kids at home are now 6 and 7 and If God NEVER gave me another baby to bring home I will still be grateful for all my babies and for the time I did have.

It is what it is! (Nina)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

I am 31, and I have two babies. The first one was born in August 2005, the second born in July 2007, so I’m 3 years pp since my last baby. I’ve been pregnant two more times, on top of that, but they both left my body before the 3 month mark.

Two years before having my first kid, I had a breast lift. I’d wanted one so badly for many years! As a teen, my breasts came overnight, and when they did, they weren’t the perky pair that I spied on my friends. They sagged, had stretchmarks, and worst of all, they weren’t team players. Meaning, they had each settled on their side of the body, never the twain shall meet. I called them my National Geographic Breasts, since they resembled something you’d see on a tribal woman from Papua New Guinea. It affected my self image, my self worth, and my sex life. Lights OFF please! Having them done gave me freedom, personal and sexual, and I wore clothes I’d previously never dreamed of wearing. Fun while it lasted!

After breastfeeding twice (totally possible, the surgery removed skin only, not touching mammary glands or nipples), my breasts are back to square one. Slightly better than before, the nipples at least point upwards now! My belly has taken a beating too. Soft, saggy, with a peekaboo bellybutton. My children love them though. We’re often naked at my house, when it’s just us. The kids love to come and press their faces into my soft belly, and carress my breasts, old friends that they are. I did have the belly jowls before, but for the past year I’ve insistantly dry brushed my skin every day, before showering, and that has really improved my belly. Jowls are gone, skin is softer, and the rippling surface looks smoother. I do suffer from some odd condition though. It’s like keratosis pilaris, but it’s right on my old stretchmarks. Not as severe as Pupps rash, but still not all that appetizing.

When the money comes along, I would like to have another breast lift. And a tummy tuck. I’m pretty sure I’m done having babies, but it’s a good idea to wait a few years to be totally sure before blowing that kind of money. I love my husband, and he loves me, but in the event that we ever split, and I find a new man one day, I don’t want to be weighed down by a body that is scarred from the pregnancies of a previous relationship. Like a lot of people on this website have commented, I feel like I’m living a double life. I’m beautiful and really sexy in the right dress. Downright irresistable if I do say so myself ;) But the dress and the expensive, ironlike bra comes off – and everything goes about a foot south! It feels like I’m false advertising!

Until then, I console myself by being otherwise happy and healthy. I have all my limbs, a beautiful face and a pretty good sense of style that camouflages most of my flaws. I try not to look at my body close up in the mirror, keeping a safe distance of about 10 ft. Arms up doesn’t hurt! I look pretty good at that distance! We should all have a sticker on the mirror that says: “Warning, object in mirror may appear worse than it really is!”

I had no idea pregnancy would do this to my body, but in retrospect, I remember being so excited about being pregnant, that I couldn’t wait for it to show. I think I over-ate on purpose, so the belly would hurry up and grow. At any rate, I gained about 20-25 kilos (50 lbs) with both pregnancies, and people always asked if I was carrying twins. Both my babies were pretty big, around 8-9 lbs, but they are healthy, beautiful, smart, funny and all that jazz, so not a drop of regret there! Part of this is learning to accept that I’m not a kid anymore, my body isn’t tight and elastic, but I’m still pretty hot, in my own way (aka clothed!).

080910-nina-1

Dreams Come True (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 25-years-young
Number of pregnancies: 4, 1 abortion, 2 miscarriages
Number of birth: On the way…I am 25 weeks!!! Yea!

After a horrible relationship with a best friend of more than 10 years, I never felt so betrayed. I had to end my relationship with her last year. She manipulated and instigated between my husband and I. I always wanted to keep a strong “friendship before lover” type of thing, but I found out the hard way when I discovered that she’s been placing me against people and people against me for many years. I really didn’t understand why she did what she did. It caused me many many tears. She literally insulted me and said “people only talk to you because you’re pretty, but people talk to me because they love my personality even if I’m not pretty.” Ever since she said that, I felt like I have no personality. My own best friend had put me down. Years of her instigating took to the point I aborted my baby at 3 months. I fell into depression afterwards. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was 110lbs. 5’3″. Then weigh 120 lbs. at 3 months. After the baby was out, I was back to 110 lbs. I grew very depressed and drop down all the way to 95 lbs.

Luckily, I have a wonderful and understanding husband. He was depressed when I did what I did, but he still stayed by my side. We decided to try again and this time I won’t do anything stupid because it was the biggest regret of my life! We tried again, but I got pregnant right away and was looking forward to risk my body for my baby! But sadly, my baby didn’t grow more than 9 weeks and just stayed in my uterus with no heartbeat. I cried my eyes out and didn’t lose hope so we tried again. About two months later, I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, it happened again where I miscarried my third baby. I finally given up and I told myself that this was God teaching me a lesson because I killed my first baby. I was so depressed. I felt like I deserve this and would never get to experience having a baby of my own.

After two years of having irregular period, I didn’t know I was pregnant and didn’t even bother to take a pregnancy test. But I grew very tired with no morning sickness. My husband told me to take one, but I was so afraid of the outcome—negative. After denying it for a couple weeks, I finally decided to take one and it was—POSITIVE!!! I was so grateful and I thank God for his precious gift. I was so afraid that the baby won’t grow more than 9 weeks again. But now, I am 25 weeks and everything is great!!! I am looking forward to stretch marks or loose skin, anything…I just want to hold my baby.

First picture is my body at 3 months with a little bump through the clothing. Second picture is me a four months although the bump is not there, I know my baby is there. Third picture, is me showing my boobies (which aren’t growing at all!=( but it’s okay, my baby is there). Fourth and fifth picture is me at 5 months front & side. I will update my upcoming bump more.

I can’t wait for my precious baby boy to arrive!!!

15 Months PP Update (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Previous entries:
Missing my baby boy and expecting my second.
5 Weeks PP Second Baby
2.5 Months PP – Second Cesarean in 2.5 Years
6 Months PP Update

Age: 24
Pregnancies: 2
Births: 2 via cesarean
PP: 4 years in September and 15 months

So, I am now 15 months pp with Liam. Wow, this has been a long and hard journey to accept my body. I am finally starting to accept it! Connor would be 4 in September…time flies! I ended my pregnancy with Liam at 177 (I am 5’2″), and I am now 122. I only have 7 pounds before I am pre Connor weight…but I have a lot of toning to do. My husband and I are doing P90X. We do not do it every day, but even the
days we don’t do it, I still work out. I LOVE weight training! I only use 3 and 20 pound hand weights (because that is all I have!). I do all of my arm work with the 3 pound weights, and leg work with the
20 pound weights. I also have a band I use for pull ups! I feel myself getting stronger (although my sweet tooth kills me…I had 4 cookies for breakfast!). I used to cry about my body almost every day. I am shamed I did that…I have been through such harder stuff…but I still cried over my body…how dumb is that? I am still soft, loose, saggy, and stretched…but I love me! I tried on a bikini for the first time in 4 years and liked it! I am not brave enough to wear it yet, but I decided I will wear it on Connor’s 4th
birthday.

Anyway…Liam is doing great! He just started walking about a month ago…and he is now starting to walk more than crawl! I am still nursing him, he refuses any type of cup…any advice on that would be great!

Good luck Mama’s…we are all beautiful. The more we flaunt our bodies in bikinis, the more people will accept it! Let’s try to be brave and do it :)

Pictures:
pre babies
me now (15 months pp)
my weight loss journey

Updated here.

My Story is Long (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Diastasis Recti, Four or More Pregnancies, Hernia, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 12 Comments

38 years old
5 pregnancies/4 live births/2 miscarriages
7.5 year old daughter, 6 year old son, 2.5 year old boy/girl twins
30 months postpartum

My story is long. It spans more than a decade. When my husband and I got married we didn’t mind if we got pregnant right away. Well, 5 months into our marriage we did find out we were pregnant! We were very excited, as were our families. But, unfortunately we lost our baby due to a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks along when I found out but the baby died at 8 weeks. We did an ultrasound and they could see the embryo but no heartbeat. Well, a month and a half after we lost our baby we had another tragedy, one that I’m still dealing with to this day. We had just gotten back from a surprise visit to our families (both sides) 5oo miles away when we found out that my sister-in-law and her 4 oldest children were murdered. Her 2 youngest children survived. We also found out she was pregnant and was due about a month after our baby would’ve been due. I’m not going to go into more detail other than this it was the most horrible time of my life. Well, we decided to keep trying to have a baby. We thought we’d try to do Natural Family Planning to figure out when I was ovulating. I am blessed to have normal periods. We tried for a couple years. We kept getting a negative pregnancy test. It was a very stressful time. We were living in student housing at the university my husband was getting his Master’s. They didn’t allow pets. My husband wrote the people at the head of the housing dept. and told them our situation (including our tragedy.) Our therapist that I had been seeing for awhile also wrote telling them how it would help me. Well, when we got word that it was Okayed to get a pet the date was September 12th. 2001. It was around this same time or shortly after that our Dr. gave us 3 more months to try before we would do other tests to figure out what was going on. I found out about the Ovulation Predictor Tests and did that 2-3 times. It really does work. But the thing that really worked was getting kittens!! We decided on 2 since they would keep each other company. We found we were pregnant right after the 3rd month ended. My husband gives all the credit to the kittens! :-) I was really blessed to have an easy pregnancy. I was heavy when I got pregnant. I’m only 5 feet. When we got married I was 135. But I was about 170 when I got pregnant the 2nd time. I got up to about 198 when I delivered our first daughter. I had heard about Bradley Natural Childbirth through my sister-in-law. So we went the classes and were very convinced to how important it is about no drugs, etc. I was determined to have a natural birth. My due date came and went and then my Dr. went on vacation. She made an appt. for me to see the ObGyn the following Monday. That Dr. took an ultrasound of our baby (who was thankfully head down! But nothing going on that indicated labor was starting soon.) She hardly saw any fluid around our baby’s head. She told us to go home and get our stuff that I needed to be induced that day. She said she couldn’t guarantee that our baby would be alive in 3 days if we waited. Talk about a scare tactic!! I was so afraid I would end up needing an epidural and having a c-section. I wanted to be able to labor at home!!! We called our families to let them know, got our stuff and went back. I was admitted around 1pm Oct. 21st and they used a quarter of a pill Citotec to get my cervix started. To make a long story short I was able to get a natural birth. The only thing I took was a sleeping pill around 1am to help me sleep a few hours. They punctured my water bags (that left a tiny scratch on my daughters’ head! ) at around 3cm at 8am. That really scared me thinking she did it too soon. Even though they wanted me in bed they did allow me to walk around the boring small hall ways and also sit in a chair. I did find that my body worked better when I was moving. The pushing stage was extremely long, 3 hours or more. But at 11:15pm (34 hours after I was induced) our beautiful daughter was born weighing 8 pounds! She was 10 days overdue!! I nursed her for 11 months when I found out that my milk had dried up and tasted salty. My daughter’s only way of telling me was to bite me and I endured that 3 days! before I found out why. I was sure dreading nursing at that time. I felt so bad for her when I found out why. I was 3 months pregnant with our oldest son at the time. My pregnancy was the same with him very easy. He actually came on his own and right on time! I went into labor 7pm March 20th and labored all night and into the next day. I was determined to labor at home. I went to the hospital once at 1am and they sent me home (fine with me! :-) ) at 1cm. I had a Doula come over to our house (and our daughter went to stay at a friend’s house) and she helped me while my husband rested. I also had a different doula with my daughter’s birth. I believe they do help and are important to have! But I didn’t rest. I found out the hard way how important it is NOT to get exhausted. I finally went to the hospital around 1-2pm March 21st. Everyone was surprised I was 8cm!! But the next 3 hours almost made me not want to have any more kids. My Dr. (who was our original Dr. from the start) gave me the choice of her breaking my water bags. I let her do that and it wasn’t long after that I had nonstop labor pains that were HORRIBLY hard to relax through. Even when I was finally able to push I had no break. At first they had me flat on my back and I didn’t want that. That’s the worse pushing position!!! They realized I didn’t want that and put me on my side. But I didn’t want that either! I couldn’t tell them that I wanted to sit up (like I did with my daughter!) Well, at 5:53 pm our handsome son came screaming into the world. It’s funny he actually got better apgar scores than our daughter. She didn’t cry but was VERY alert looking around right after she got out. Our son weighed 8 pounds and 3.5 ounces. I nursed him until he was 21 months old. I ended up weaning him suddenly because I was pregnant again. I didn’t want to tandem nurse. But we lost our baby around 8 weeks again. This baby was also due when our first baby was due (August). Our daughter was 3 and she was heartbroken when we had to tell her. For awhile we had decided not to have anymore. I was down to 160 lbs. which was still too heavy for my height. (I had also gotten up to about 200 lbs. with my sons pregnancy.) I had always wanted 4 children (2 boys and 2 girls). So we decided to try again. It’s funny when I got pregnant again my sister-in-law (my husband’s sister) had a dream (one before and 2 after we were pregnant) that I was having twins! My mother-in-law was positive I was having twins because I looked so big. But I was heavy to begin with so I didn’t believe it!! When I was 20 weeks along we went to have my first ultrasound and immediately we saw 2 heads!!! What a shock!! I was 100% sure I wasn’t having twins!! We were having one of each! So my dream came true!! So did my sister-in-laws! I still had an easy pregnancy even though it was hard to breath at times. I ended up having a c-section (twin A our son was butt breach and twin B our daughter was transverse laying comfortably across my stomach.) I was really scared to have a c-section and to have to have an epidural. I have scoliosis so that was part of my fear. But everything went beautifully. They were born Dec. 13th 9:14 and 9:15am at Son: 6 lbs. 9 ozs and Daughter: 6 lbs. 3 ozs. I was 39 weeks along. If I wasn’t already scheduled for a c-section I would’ve had the babies anyway that day. I had already started going into labor waiting for them to take me to surgery. I weighed around 208lbs! My heaviest ever!! Even though I really wanted them naturally I was also relieved to have a c-section. I have such long labors and I didn’t think I would be able to physically go through labor even if they were both head down. I have scoliosis so I really feared having the epidural. I made sure the Anesthesiologist knew I had scoliosis. I had no problems with the epidural or the c-section. Everything went perfectly. I only got to see my babies for just a minute and then my husband went off with them. It seemed forever (with the sewing up and recovery) before I got to see them again. (Maybe 2 hours.) My little girl was starting to fall asleep when I got to hold her for the first time. So needless to say she didn’t nurse well in the beginning. My little boy was more awake and nursed better. But I have large nipples and they have small mouths. They were almost 2 pounds smaller than my older children (who had no problem nursing.) When we got home (3 days later) I wasn’t nursing them well. I was sore and bleeding and dreaded nursing. Late that night my husband talked me into to giving one of the formula samples to our son. He was so hungry he practically drank it down quick! I felt so bad that he had been that hungry. So I ended up pumping breast milk and also feeding them with a bottle formula. My kids were thrilled to get to feed them. My husband’s family also helped who lived next door to us. It was a reality check. I was so against the formula and I wanted to nurse my twins so bad that I purposely left most of the formula samples at the hospital. When we explained the situation we were able to get even more than if we had taken all the samples they gave us home. I gave myself a couple of weeks to heal. Then one day I laid my babies on our bed and was getting ready to pump. I had gone to the Lactation Consultant the day before and also had read about correct latch on. So I thought I would try to nurse again. They were growing and maybe their mouths were bigger now. (They might’ve been closer to a month old when I did this.) So I took my baby boy first and tried nursing him. At first he didn’t latch on right and I had to take him off and get him to open wider. After that he did perfectly and I didn’t have anymore problems nursing him. My little girl had a more difficult time nursing. But I kept it up with her too. But I did continue pumping to give them mostly breast milk and also some formula. I was afraid I wasn’t making enough milk for them so I also took Fenugreek to increase my milk supply, and did it ever. My husband loved it! J I think by the time they were 5-6 months old or so I was able to exclusively breastfeed them for a solid 2 months or so before I started giving them solids. My baby girl was always 2-3 pounds lighter than my baby boy from 2-3 months on. I nursed them just until this past March (until they were 27 months old.) I enjoyed it most of the time (99% of the time it was both of them nursing at the same time, which was not always an easy feat!) But I do miss nursing them and the cuddling we did.

I have 2 hernias. One is a belly button hernia that I got when I was halfway through my oldest daughters pregnancy. My second hernia is an incisional hernia. I got it when my twins were about a week old. I was given a stomach girdle to wear after my c-section. If I had known how important it was to wear it I would never have taken it off. But it was uncomfortable and the nurse let me take it off. I wore it at home but not regularly. The day before I was to get my stitches out I wasn’t wearing it and I was sitting on the toilet and I blew my nose. I felt something rip but I didn’t feel any pain. When I stood up one side of my flabby belly was farther down than the other. That really freaked me out. I was afraid that I was going to have to have more surgery to correct (I was thinking like right away). I had the stitches out the next day and the Dr. said I had developed a hernia there in the incision site. I can’t remember what else he said about it but at least it wasn’t an emergency like I was afraid it was going to be. So now I have a double hernia. I was going to get them fixed but Medicaid would not cover it. But it did cover me having the procedure done Essure which is permanent birth control. I would’ve had my tubes tied during the c-section. But I waited too long to get the surgery set up. Medicaid here wants the c-section set up a month in advance and then they will pay for tube tying. Otherwise you would have to pay for ENTIRE thing!! (C-section and all). So when my twins were around 6 months old I had the Essure procedure done. I recommend it to anyone who wants to have a nonsurgical way of permanent birth control.

Anyway I am now 2 and a half years postpartum and I have gained about 10 pounds. I’m around 180. I need to lose weight. My husband is so amazing and supportive. He loves my body but he also wants me healthy. Sometimes I have a hard time breathing at night. I need to figure out a good exercise regime that won’t make my hernias worse. I know I need to walk more. We have a treadmill and are starting to use it more. Sometimes my stomach hurts and I know it’s my hernias. I have these movements in my stomach (lower left area) that feel like a baby kicking. Sometimes you can even see my belly moving like a baby kicked! It’s weird. One time I even took a pregnancy test just to be sure even though I knew it was next to impossible. It was negative, of course. I do miss being pregnant. But 4 is enough for me. I love my children and wouldn’t change things for the world. I know I do need to work on getting my belly smaller and maybe my hernias wouldn’t look so bad. I also need to be healthier for my family and me.

My pictures were taken June, 2010. I was 30 months postpartum, 180 pounds at 5 feet tall.

21 pregnant with # 3 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 2 Comments

I got pregnant with my first child when I was 16yrs. old I honestly thought I would be one of the girls who didn’t gain much weight, or would be all baby but I was so wrong. I’m 5’2 and when I got pregnant with my daughter I was 135 but by the end of the pregnancy I had ballooned to 175 I had my daughter on May 2, 2006 by emergency c-section and she weighed in at 6lbs 10oz. and 20inc. long. She was my world and I still held on to the hope that I would shrink down but I struggled with weight problems after that.

By March 2007 my weight had only gone down to 165 I then found out that I was pregnant again but shortly after finding out I miscarried and I was devastated, I believe within a couple weeks my weight went down to about 155.

In May 2007 I hadn’t got a period since miscarrying and I took a home pregnancy test and got a positive, I had gotten pregnant about the first time that I had sex after miscarrying and this baby was definitely a blessing in disguise, I had my son on January 4, 2008 weighing 8lbs 7oz. and 20inc long. My weight at the end of the pregnancy with my son was 190lbs and within 2wks I was down to 170lbs. But again I had problems keeping my weight down.

In Oct. 2009 I weighed about 180lbs. and in December I weighed 187lbs. In January I went through a break up with my kids father and I believe I lost about 15lbs from January to March when I got back with my kids father. On May 4, 2010 I found out I was pregnant again I was 18wks my weight was 177 and at my 20wk appointment my weight was at 175, but at 24wks my weight was back up to 186lbs. I’ am now 25wks 5days and want this baby to be healthy but I can’t help but feel sad about gaining weight!!

The first 3 pictures are of me back in October so I was about 21mos PP from my son. And the last is me at 25wks 1day pregnant with baby #3

You may also choose to include:
~Age:21
~Number of pregnancies and births:4pregnancies/ 2births (sofar)
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: DD 4yrs, DS 2yrs, 25wks 5days pregnant with #3

Updated here.

Twins and a Toddler…not sure who “I am” anymore (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 34 Comments

Who am I? I’m a…Mom….who is unsatisfied. Grateful in a lot of respects, but one who feels guilty I’m so unhappy. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll get some peace with after doing so…doubtful. I must have taken a half dozen pictures of my belly and kept deleting them saying…”nah, it’s not that bad…must be angle.” But, alas, pictures don’t lie so I here I am…humbled….sad…disgusted.

I’m 39 years old with a 4 year old and boy/girl twins who are almost 9 months old. I had an easy pregnancy with my first and difficult time with the twins for obvious reasons. I was on bed rest at 25 weeks and carried them to 38.5 weeks. My son was born 7 lbs. 6 oz. and my daughter was 6 lbs. 1 oz. Everyone is healthy and for that I’m grateful.

But I hate what it’s done to my self esteem. It’s not just my weight really either.

I’ve never been what you’d consider thin. I was always a pear shape with bigger butt and thighs. My only saving grace was my thin waist and belly…now that’s gone. I’m 5’1” and currently weigh about 185 lbs and wearing size 16 pants. With the twins, I got up to like 220. At my happiest, I weighed about 135ish…around my wedding in 2002. Good times!

I’ve tried buying control garments to push in and smooth out the rolls, but it makes me feel like a sausage so I only wear it when I want to look really good…well, as good as I can. I really don’t get out much…thankfully.

Because of our financial situation and with the unexpected twins, I had to quit work and stay home with the twins (my 4 year old goes to pre-school). I hunger for anytime intellectual stimulation and adult interaction. I often think I might be a better Mommy if I wasn’t around them all day, but that is not in the cards right now so I have to make the best out of this. I miss work, but there is no way I could every go back, not even part time, and afford day care for 2 and pre-school for 1. I’m grateful my husband has a good job and we live modestly so we are ok. I do hate having to ask him for money so I can buy socks or underware. It’s kinda humiliating to have to ask for money, but that is my reality now.

One of the hardest things for me is that me and my husband haven’t had sex in almost 2 years (since we conceived the twins). We didn’t at all when I was pregnant…was never really into that for some reason and after the twins, forget it–no energy or time. We are wiped out by 8:30pm and he wakes for work at 5am so he’s tired and I’m tired too. I have a wonderful husband, he’s a great father, great provider…but I feel we have grown distant in a lot of ways. Most of which are related to the chaos of raising a family and not having a lot of “us” time. We were never really ‘nympho’s”…at our best, we had sex 2 to 3 times a month…but it’s starting to bother me. He doesn’t ever complain about it nor does he ever complain about my body…but he never really gives me some positive hope either by saying “oh, honey, you look fine to me.” I’m sure he’s biting his lips out of kindness. I hate my body and don’t feel attractive at all.

The scar doesn’t really bother me, but the “twin skin” does. When I’m laying down, it’s all loose and wrinkled. When I stand, it sags. I don’t even think the gym would help with the extra skin…but it would help if I’d go more. I don’t really mind the gym…getting there is half the battle. The hardest part is managing the twins and a toddler and the gym. Between naps and feeding, I have 45 minutes to get there, drop the off in the child care center on site, work out and get them home for their next nap. I’ve tried working out at home, but I can’t stay focused…I keep thinking about all the housework to do and the million other things I could be doing.

Eating healthy is sooooo much hard work and expensive. Healthy stuff is so expensive and we are living paycheck to paycheck and there is not much left over. And, who has time to cut all that stuff up and prepare…people say the night before….well, I’m beat and exhausted by 9pm. I’m so crazed during the day, that I’m lucky if I can make a PB&J or something quick…surely and conveniently unhealthy. There are times I’m so stressed out that I eat just because it makes me feel better. Like a drug. There are times, I just want to throw up for a week or two to see some results and maybe get motivated. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Alli too…soiling my pants might be enough motivation to eat well. I don’t know.

It’s not really the weight per se, it’s the displacement of “stuff.” My belly from the side view looks like a “B” and it’s so…weird. I guess that is the twin skin pouch I was warned about. I guess the only lucky part is that I didn’t get any stretch marks which is amazing considering how large I got (picture below is of me at 37 weeks).

I long to be a healthy weight and happy with my body…it doesn’t have to be perfect, but not like it is now which is terrible period. There is not way of sugar coating it for me. I don’t want to be the ‘fat mom’ who can’t run after and keep up with her children. I want my husband to “want me”. I have to find the gumption to do something about this!

Thanks for reading. I hope I can find some peace someday. Maybe after the kids are in school and I go back to work and start saving for a tummy tuck. But for now, I know who I am a frumpy Mom…with no career…no sex life…living in empire waste clothing to hide my belly…with healthy and happy kids, a good husband, and for that I should find comfort…but I really don’t–but will keep trying.

– Age: 39
– Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births—1 via c-section, 1 set of twins via c-section, 1 miscarriage at 9 weeks.
– The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 yr old and 8 month old twins (8 months postpartum)