Brigitte, a German magazine is banning all models and using women who represent a wider variety of body sizes and shapes! Dear, United States, please take note.
Activism
Beauty in a Magazine
Thank you, Glamour, for this!
She is beautiful. Even more so that someone in corporate got a clue that THIS is what we want (need) to see. Despite the fact that it was such a small photo, I am glad it was printed at all. Next step: bigger photo.
(It does make me want to vomit a little, though, that she is considered plus sized in terms of modeling – look at the definition in her body! She’s perfect.)
Marks of Life (Shi)
~Your Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 at time of writing this, currently now have three!
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: at the time my boys were 2.5 and 1 month old. They are now almost 5, 2.5, and 7months
I wrote this back when you had a post about writing a letter to your body. I had sat down and let my feeling flow, and this is what I ended up with. I hadn’t posted this, since it was written only for me and was privet but found it recently and re-reading actually made me tear up. I am now a Mommy to three boys, and I love my body and all the marks of life it holds. I thought some might benefit from reading this :) I am a Mommy, and I look like one!
Dear Body,
Wow, this is a really great idea, something that almost anyone I know would likely tell me I DON’T need to do, that I am one of the “lucky few”, that having to even think of doing this is beyond ridiculous. But I am human, and no matter how perfect I may seem to someone else, we women are always able to see any and all flaws. Its funny that I make excuses for why others look worse, or that they look that way, but I never should have…I didn’t have too. I do try so hard, and I DO love you body, your beautiful, I love your shape, and you have done amazing things for me. Those two boys you nurtured are the most precious things in my life. Its funny that I KNOW I have a lot less marks than most people, and that I don’t have that extra skin, or extra fat, but every now and then thoughts will creep into my head about how I WOULDN’T have them if I’d only taken better care, exercised MORE (How the heck can a pregnant Mom of a toddler exercise MORE that 3 times a week!!) I SHOULDN’T have ate so much at the end in fear of not being able to Home Birth because my baby was small, I should have LOADED that oil on like I did the first time, how silly of me.
The worst part of all is that one single skinny, stretch mark free person can take all the pride I have put into my marks, and challenge it. I LOVE them, they are like an art to me, a scar to remember something amazing, and yet every now and then I can see one picture of one person, and my heart will sink…I WAS that person, I could STILL be that person. The stupid thing is I AM that beautiful Mom, I do have that great post babies body, I look amazing….but somehow I look in the mirror and compare it to society’s “perfect” that was staring at me in that picture.
Why did I put so so much pride after my first baby in the fact that I was tiny AND mark free???? How is that something to hold so much PRIDE in???? SO WHAT if the guys could look at me at the beach, and never know I had a baby….with MY body people can look at me at the beach and KNOW that I have babies…and I still look good!!! I have my man, and I have my babies, and I am NOT looking to attract more shallow men to stare at my sexy figure. I AM A MOMMY, I am striving to have my BABIES stare at me in awe!!! I want my husband and my kids to be attracted to ME, to my love, to my devotion, to my life. How is some random person thinking for a random moment that “wow, she didn’t get any stretch marks” some how a greater reward that my SON, and my HUSBAND running their hands over my life marks, and looking in awe at a map that shows the amazing road I have traveled, the amazing things I have done, the love that I shared when I shared my body with another human, a precious baby, to nourish them, and to give them LIFE, how could I NOT have wanted some outward sign to cherish these moments?
I have two wonderful, giggling, amazing boys, I have a husband who loves me and says to me that my marks “remind me of how much you sacrificed for our family”, he can look at my naked form, and remember each time that great big belly so full of life and love, and remember the moments I nourished our little ones in our womb. Why would I prefer that he be able to look at me for the remainder of my years and remember NOTHING of that time, or have no “motherly, womanly” features to admire, but rather to just see a hot wife, who didn’t change even while giving birth to two of his sons? He loves it, as do I, and when I question this, it actually hurts deep in my soul, like the greatest cheat I have even done to my own life.
I know that I love them, it is only the pictures of naked scar free, post baby bellies that makes me wince, and feel jealousy for a small amount of time. I can proudly walk the swimming pool with my two boys by my side, in my bikini with my marks for all to see, then suddenly a day later, I can see a picture, and wonder if maybe I am wrong, and I should buy a more covering suit, and hide these marks that some may think are a deep imperfection, and a flaw that occurred in my flesh. HOW MUCH MORE WRONG COULD THOSE THOUGHTS BE!!!!!?????? How much more right I was when I was proudly wearing my real, home made, beautiful tattoos. Women will mark with ink their tribute to their child on their bodies. They find it beautiful to permanently etch in a name with a cold, vibrating little knife. I HOLD MY BABIES TRIBUTE DEEP IN MY SKIN, beyond the surface layer, with nothing fake, phony, or cheap. I hold the map of their entry into existence. I hold a map of my journey from one child to desperation for another, and agony, and tears, and prayer after prayer. And then these little lines appeared, this little piece of “Baby art” was drawn about my belly, as that child I longed for, I prayed for, and I agonized for grew, and grew, and grew, as God fulfilled each one of his deep promises to me and as i lived in awe and unending gratefulness, and as he etched within my body, onto my womb which held these children, a sign that will never disappear, some marks that will be with me for the rest of my days, amazing, beautiful, pieces of my soul, shown right there, in that place where these miracles took place.
Would I ever go back and change a thing? You better believe….not a chance. They are as precious as the family they describe.
Februrary 24, 2008.
A Stolen Photograph (I Refuse to be Ashamed)
I was alerted to a certain anti-stretch mark article tonight by reader Sara. The author of this article had the gall to break copyright laws and steal my photograph of myself and my baby son which has been featured on this website for nearly three years. I have politely asked her to remove it.
I will not be linking to this article because I do not want them to benefit from the traffic a link would provide – also because I would prefer this end here rather than become some drawn-out internet soap opera. But this has given me an opportunity to write about something which has been on my mind for awhile. Namely the power we let society have over our esteem.
I am a fat woman. For the longest time, I was ashamed of that and felt that I was unworthy of good things in life – of looking pretty, of feeling pretty, of being listened to, of being admired. Screw that! I am human, I am smart, I am pretty, and I am more than worthy of all these things and more. I am striving to be healthy in diet and exercise and I do hope certain health issues get resolved, which will lead to being a lower weight for this size is rather physically uncomfortable for me. But if not, I won’t let anyone tell me how to feel about myself any more. I used to hide my fat arms in sleeves, short or long. But I won’t anymore. I happen to like the kiss of the sun on my shoulders, and I refuse to be hidden just because my arms don’t fit one particular image of what society says they should look like. I’ve liberated my arms and my esteem.
Society has no right to decide for me that my stretch marks, my extra skin, my body shape make me unworthy. I refuse to feel badly about my body because I grew, nourished and birthed (and nourished some more) two amazing people. I refuse – I simply refuse – to fall into that negative thinking. I have children who I have to be strong for, children who look to me as a role model for what women are – and I want them to know that women are strong, rational, intelligent creatures who can be beautiful and KNOW IT at any size and at any shape.
I really don’t care if people look at my belly and feel disgust. I steel myself against them. I run my fingers along the lines and appreciate what they mean: love. The love of growing my babies. And I simply refuse to let myself even think negative things – I won’t be held down that way!
As an activist, I feel like each person must take a stand. Ten years ago, it was unheard of to re-use grocery bags, but it is becoming quite the norm these days – because each individual person took that stand and made it so. I also feel like positive body image really and truly IS within our reach, only we each have to make the decision not to allow them to imprison us in our own cells of self-hatred. We have to make the decision to just REFUSE to let them tell us how to think of ourselves. How dare they? How dare they try to keep us down?
I find it rather ironic that the photograph that was stolen in an attempt to create a feeling of shame about a mother’s body happens to be a pose which I feel is confidant and self-assured, not afraid to just be, regardless of how many stretch marks and extra skin there may be.
Don’t let them get into your head. Take control and refuse them access to your insecurities. Fake it if you have to – the real stuff will follow naturally – but take a stand with me and all the other moms on here and refuse to be ashamed!
When a Child Dies
I lived in a sweetly ignorant world before I opened this website – I never knew of a person who had lost a baby. Not here in the US! Not in this day and age of good medical care and awareness of baby safety! I knew it happened, but it was rare – so rare.
And then, shortly after this site opened, a mother wrote a post here about having lost her son and it punched me right in the heart. But she was not the only one, many mothers have since written here about the same thing.
That same summer, a friend of mine was at the birth of her goddaughter when that beautiful little girl did not make it – and there was no known reason for it. I listened to my friend as she tried to make sense of this, as she went through the grieving process, the legal process – the fears during her friend’s next pregnancy, and the joyful outcome of a healthy baby at the end.
This website is here for us mothers to help us deal with our body issues, but as I have learned here, mamas need an outlet to grieve as well. This week, a friend pointed me to a beautiful website for parents to blog along the road to healing. I would like to know of other websites as well to keep them here as a resource for parents who need them. If you know of any that have helped you, please leave them in a comment here.
This past week, two babies in the blogging community have died. Maddie and Thalon. You can read more and find links at this BlogHer Post. If you think you can help, please do. If you cannot afford to help monetarily, even just a comment or a moment of silence, I believe, would do the world some good.
Filming for the Documentary
My friend Lorien (SOAM entry here) speaking her mind towards the end of the day
A few weeks ago, I gathered with some other amazing women (around a pool – in January!) to film a segment for a British documentary. Focusing on body image and motherhood, the documentary (currently aiming to air in March in the UK) looks to be positive and moving. It was an empowering moment there with women whose body issues ranged from virtually non-existent to quite serious, and yet, despite the diversity, I felt we all had a bond. I am so honored to have been a part of this, and so excited to help bring this message to the women of the world – that we are worthy, regardless of how we view our physical figures. Thank you, to all involved, for allowing The Shape of a Mother to be a part of this!
SMA: We Can Do This! (Submitted Anonymously)
I came across this postcard on post secret
As a Mother, it made me cry. I would not ever pretend to understand the pain that must come with being told your child will not make it past 2. I cannot pretend to understand the strength it must take to get through the day.. But I do understand what it is to love your child and to want to watch your child grow up strong and healthy, to have a full life. I saw this post last Sunday and it made me think that maybe, just maybe, by taking 2 minutes of the day to sign this petition I could help. Every child counts, every child deserves a chance. Please take a moment of your time and sign this petition, take a moment to search Spinal muscular atrophy, find out about these children. The marks they leave on the world in such a small amount of time..
Doesn’t it Make You Wonder? (Alicia)
Reader Alicia commented on a recent post and I found her quote to be so relevant – such a simple and perfect way to sum up why we are all here at this site – that I wanted to share it with you, bolding the part that struck me as especially important.
doesn’t it make you wonder? what are we ashamed OF exactly? why are we embarrassed, what have we done to be embarrassed of? who is our anger directed toward?
i finally realized something. the longer i act ashamed of and embarrassed by my body, the longer i hide it, the more i propagate the belief that i have SOMETHING to be ashamed or embarrassed of! not only that, but what kind of example to we set for our children by feeling ashamed of something that is so natural?
let’s stop hiding our bodies and start showing the world what a REAL woman looks like! it’s not going to happen overnight but who knows? someday maybe our daughters can be proud of those stretchmarks, and our sons will be exposed to reality, not airbrushed and photoshopped bodies!
if i can do it, with my stomach that looks like an elephant knee – then you can definitely do it! one day at a time
We are all, of course, here to work on ourselves as individuals – and that is deeply important work. But, I hope we are all here to change the world a little bit, too. Even one comment at a time can have astounding effects on people. Let’s take this to heart and remember that loving our bodies does more than just make us whole in our womanly selves – it makes the world whole as well.
As an aside, I want to apologize for my recent absence. I fell far behind here due to a combination of general business, holiday and birthday preparations and that evil head cold everyone you know has. I’m back now and hope to be catching up quicker than I was before! And I hope you all avoid the sickies like the plague!
TV Documentary! (Do you live in San Diego?)
I have spoken on the phone and in e-mail with two women, including Alex, the director, about this project. Here is a message Alex has written that she would like me to share with you:
Hi there,
I’m writing from a TV production company in the UK regarding a documentary we’re making about pregnancy and body image for ITV1 (one of the leading networks here). The program will be looking at the pressure on women today to stay slim both during and after pregnancy.
We’ve been really inspired by the positive message The Shape of a Mother is sending out. It’s so refreshing to find a website where women can share their stories, support each other and realize that they can still love their bodies despite the changes they have been through.
In our documentary we’re keen to represent a wide-range of women – from those who have overcome their insecurities to those who are still struggling with them. The SOAM creator, Bonnie, has kindly agreed to take part in our program and now we are hoping to find more women from this website who would potentially be interested in doing some filming with us. Ideally, we’d like to film a group of women from SOAM having an informal group chat about the website and how they feel about their bodies.
The filming will be taking place in San Diego in January, so if you’re local to the area we would love to hear from you. What have you gained from SOAM? Have you learned to love your stretch marks or are you still on a journey to accept your body?
Please only get in touch if you live in (or can travel to) San Diego for the filming. Unfortunately we cannot cover travel expenses.
You can reach me at alex.berk@rdftelevision.com or on 011 44 207 013 4282
Kind regards,
Alex
Unnecesarean.com
I found this link recently while reading a friend’s blog and wanted to share it. While some cesareans are certainly a necessity, the US has a frighteningly high rate of one in three births. People sometimes assume that cesareans are a safer way to birth, but the fact is that they are major surgeries with all the risks and possible complications that come with any major surgery and it’s recovery. I am thankful for those lives which have been saved, but would love to help prevent any unnecessary cesareans whenever possible. Check out Unnecesarean.com and pass on the link to the moms and moms-to-be you know.