Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

My struggles with weight obsession, addiction, depression and an unplanned troubled pregnancy (Lauren Elaine)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 2 Comments

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, due march 21st 2012

It started after the winter of 2009 when I was 18, I had made some very poor choices that year, endured physically abusive relationships. I was very depressed and self loathing. Then I weighed 190, at 5’ 4” I was considered overweight. I was going through a really rough time in my life and I truly hated myself. All through 2010, I turned to food to ease the pain that I felt. I would just eat and eat and kept putting on the pounds like nobody’s business. I thought that if I made myself ugly enough no man would want me, I thought that all men were pigs and I hated them all. I had always been proud that I had no stretch marks on my stomach but that changed in 2010, big ugly red welts sprang up on my love handles and they kept growing. I also began drinking heavily to dull the pain. I slept with my boyfriend for the first time on April 28th, 2010 on his birthday and I was truly quite drunk. Before that we had just been best friends but we had always said “I love you” to each other and I had known he had a crush on me for years but I thought I was too good for him (I feel like such a bitch looking back on this, if I had just dated him 4 years ago I could have saved myself so much pain and heartbreak and abuse). I weighed the most in January of 2011 at 220 pounds, considered obese. I had stretch marks everywhere! On my arms, my sides, by my belly button, the top of my thighs, my inner thighs, the back of my calves. I hated what I saw in the mirror. But I had a strange sense of satisfaction too, that this blanket of fat was my defense mechanism, that I would never be objectified again.

I was with my boyfriend at the time and he said that he loved my body even with all the stretch marks and cottage cheese which really surprised me, I think this is because he had always liked me (even though when we met I was a small 180). I began to come to terms with my self hatred, I realized that I didn’t want to be fat my whole life and who cares if guys looked at me again because I was with one guy and didn’t care what the others thought. I was tired of being fat, I wanted to be thin. In February 2011 I developed an eating disorder; I would work out for two hours a day and eat less than 1400 calories. I would get cranky and upset if I didn’t get to work out. I remember living off protein shakes and one day I didn’t eat at all. I was happy with my boyfriend but I still hated my body, now for the extra fat and the marks. I self medicated with marijuana, living in the moment, trying to forget the past, feeling that constant hunger. I dropped weight and fast. At first I was ecstatic because I had never lost more than ten pounds in my entire life. I worked very hard, spending hours on the elliptical and drinking gallons of water a day. I lost 50 pounds by June 2011 but my goal was an 85 pound weight loss to get back to what I was in 2006. In my obsessed state I even considered a 100 pound weight loss. I loved the compliments about how thin I was looking and how much weight I had lost, I was now 170 pounds. I was so proud to boast a 50 pound weight loss by the end of May 2011. But it was never enough, never enough weight loss, never enough pot to make me truly happy. I was so unhealthy; my hair fell out in clumps. I was starting to get a receding hair line from my starvation. I loved the smallness that I felt but I hated the loose skin and the marks that still remained even though they faded to silvery scars. What I hated most was the bags on my arms, I always envied the arms of skinny girls, how small and shapely they were. I baked in the sun because it made my stretch marks seem less noticeable, I lived in the gym. When I wasn’t at the gym or at work I was getting high with my boyfriend. I still don’t know how I could have worked out and smoke a pack a day.

I had stopped taking my birth control in January because it didn’t work well, I couldn’t stand the side effects. I thought every month that I was pregnant, and honestly I don’t know how it took so long, probably the starvation mixed with all the smoking. Anyways, I found out I was pregnant on July 25th 2011 when I was 7 weeks. That very day I gave up smoking. Cold turkey and I haven’t had a cigarette since! I’m so proud of myself not just for me but for the beautiful baby girl growing inside me. I truly believe that she saved my life! My little angel, I was on such a path of self destruction but she gave me focus and purpose. I stopped starving and I stopped self medicating. For the first time in two years I was sober for an extended period of time. I felt such trepidation about what the future might hold but I also was able to see through the fog of addiction finally and confront the problems of my past. I turned to faith when the bad memories overwhelmed me. I turned to faith when the addiction taunted and gnawed at me. And I was able to overcome! Because I knew that it was not just about me anymore, it was also about the beautiful baby that was growing inside me, she needed me to be the best that I could be.

Although I dealt with some queasiness during the first trimester I only threw up once. But I began to eat like a pig. I justified it with “I’m pregnant; I can eat what I want.” Not true, in the first two trimesters I had gained 25 pounds and I was back up to 195. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I had done all that work this year for nothing. Luckily, I had room to grow because of all the loose skin so I haven’t had any new stretch marks until recently. I am currently 31 weeks and 205 pounds. I was dismayed at this gain, I had just lost all that weight, to be right where I started and I know I was only supposed to gain 15 to 25 pounds for my entire pregnancy. I just try to eat healthfully and I am counting calories. I do get tempted into self-loathing but I have to realize that I am not fat, I am pregnant. I have to be healthy and eat well for this little baby girl I already love so much. It was not an easy pregnancy. Addiction was the glue to me and my boyfriend’s relationship and now that I’m not high all the time there is a lot more tension. The first hurdle was making sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. The second hurdle was quitting my job because I can’t work as a lifeguard while pregnant. The third hurdle was getting ripped off for a car from a girl that used to be my best friend but now is just a junkie. This was one of the hardest because I went from having two cars to having no cars and being out 1100 dollars. Also, trying to get around with a big belly and no car is really difficult.
At 20 weeks I went in to get an ultrasound to figure out the sex of the baby. The ultrasound technician was unusually quiet and spent a long time looking at my baby. She told me it was a little girl but seemed subdued and left the room abruptly. She came back to tell me that the doctor would have to come take a look. That’s when my boyfriend and I started to get nervous. Just the way she said it put us on edge. The doctor came and looked at my baby too and then told me the bad news. The ultrasound had some abnormal results, my baby had no nasal bone and echogenic or bright bowel which were both soft markers for Down’s syndrome and other chromosomal disorders and she recommended that I have an amniocentesis done to draw some amniotic fluid and check the babies DNA for any abnormalities. After leaving the hospital, I cried and cried. I went there so excited to find out the sex of my baby and to hear that she might not be okay was just the most heartbreaking thing. I am only 20 years old so I thought that something like this wouldn’t happen to me. The hardest thing was that the doctor wanted to rush the amnio in case I wanted to end the pregnancy. That broke my heart, I already felt so much love for that little girl I couldn’t even picture terminating her just because she wasn’t perfect. We went to the genetic counselor a few days later and she told us about the risks, that there was a 1 in a 1000 chance that I would have a miscarriage but that the results of the DNA test were 99.9% accurate and that would give us peace of mind. We had to wait a few hours for the amnio, when we finally went into the room the nurse was very friendly and I’m sure that she had dealt with young scared parents in the past because she put me at ease saying that it would hurt less than getting blood drawn. They sterilized my belly and looked for the baby on the ultrasound to make sure that she was not in the way. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The doctor stuck a huge 8 inch long needle in my belly, I didn’t look down I kept my eyes trained on the screen where I could see my little ones arms moving dangerously close to that needle. The pain was so intense. I felt my whole uterus contract and reject the foreign object that was threatening my little one. I felt panic, that she wouldn’t be okay. I began to hyperventilate; each vial they filled jarred the needle and caused excruciating pain. I was whimpering and I felt the needle move with each breath. The nurse told me to calm down and breathe deeply. I had my boyfriends hand in a vice grip. I felt really violated and worried, when they took the needle out and turned the ultrasound off I kept staring at the screen wanting to see baby girl some more. I felt the tears coursing down my face, out of nowhere it seemed. I recovered quickly though as I was curious to see the vials that they had filled with my womb juice. I joked with the nurse about the yellowish color and how it was literally baby pee. But when she left the room I had to collect myself, wipe my eyes and just lay there for a second staring at the ceiling, so glad that the horror was over. The healthcare providers had made it seem like a painless procedure but it was really quite invasive and produced weird protective emotions in me. It was the most stressful time in my pregnancy, not knowing if she was going to be healthy or not. When I got a call the next morning, I was still half asleep but when she said that the preliminary results of the amnio were in I was wide awake. She said that the baby had normal DNA and was for sure a girl. I was overjoyed! But also a bit mad, I had been so worried and put so much emotional thought into the idea that she might not be okay, I felt like I had been made to worry for nothing.

In the end, I’m glad that the doctors said something, they were only doing their job, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And I’m glad that I got the amnio done because now I can enjoy the rest of my pregnancy without having to worry if baby girl will be okay or not. I’m so grateful that she is but nothing could stop me from loving her either way! She is my angel and I’m proud to say that even though she wasn’t planned or expected she saved my life. She gave me purpose, before I was a pot smoking procrastinator and now I’m taking the steps that I need to take with the goal of going to medical school and becoming a doctor. She gave me this direction and this purpose. I can’t wait to meet the sweet little kicker that has been keeping me up at night. Thank you for saving my life, baby!

The before picture was taken in the summer of 2010, alcohol in hand! and the after picture was taken June 2011 at 170 lbs, I was probably days from conception
The second picture is about 18 or 19 weeks, a few weeks before the amnio, around 185 or 190 lbs
The third picture is my belly now, at 30 weeks and 200 lbs

My Body is Alive and Ever-Changing (Tessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Tessa – 21 years old, mother to a 2 year old, and expecting another little boy in April 2012!

This is my third entry.
Two previous entries, here and here.

My last entry I had decided to do something about my unhappiness with my body. I was 16 months post partum and I realized it was up to me to get active if I wanted to lose the weight. My body didn’t have “bouncing back” it its dictionary. It just didn’t exist. So I took charge. I started up and kept up with the standard P90X schedule as best I could for the full 90 days. Slowly some pounds did start to come off, but not as fast as I liked. I was displeased on day 90. I was upset I hadn’t yet reached my goal, I was upset that I was still 138lbs, about 13-18lbs above my weight goal. I remotivated myself with Tony’s expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your body!” I decided to take a short break before I started up with round 2.

… and then I discovered I was pregnant. We were happy, shocked(surprise!), and I was having some anxiety about packing on more lbs when I had still more to lose. I decided to continue exercising as long as I could, and I did.. until the morning sickness hit at 6-7 weeks. Like my first pregnancy, I was sick all day, all night. I could hardly move or function until nearly 16 weeks pregnant, so exercise was out of the question. I started feeling better, but I didn’t jump back into exercising. I was being lazy. I began feeling very down about my body and weight gain (even though I was eating healthy and not gaining too much). I didn’t have a positive body image about my growing belly at all. I hated and felt that my pregnant belly was not “cute” like the first time around. I had all these stretch marks and extra skin. My pregnant belly wasn’t a cute, perfect round bump. It was frumpy, scarred, and just not what I pictured as a cute pregnant belly.

Starting about 26weeks pregnant, I finally decided it was now or never. I told myself I’d be active through this pregnancy, and gosh darn it, I had to keep my word. Since, I’ve done my best to do 10-20 minutes of exercise every day (using Tony Horton’s 10 Minute Trainer). I use weights up to 10 lbs and focus a lot on arms, legs, some cardio, and stretching. I haven’t been at it long enough to notice any change in my body, but I felt an immediate change in my sense of self esteem. I didn’t feel as disgusted when looking in the mirror. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant, and 20 lbs gained despite strict diet. I’m hoping to keep my total weight gain under 40 lbs, and I believe I can achieve that. I’m coming to terms that I’m just NOT one of those people that ONLY gain in the belly, and that I can expect to get “fluffy” in other areas. My body simply responds to pregnancy hormones by building up fat stores, and that is completely normal. I’m just trying to avoid the 70lb+ weight gain I experienced with my first son! I know now how hard that weight comes off, and I know the negative outcome of producing a much too large baby.

I am planning an unmedicated, natural VBAC in a hospital 1 hour away with a wonderful midwive group overseen by a very natural birth friendly doctor! Not only is exercising for my own self esteem, but it is for the health and success of my VBAC baby. My first baby was 9lb 13oz. I’m hoping to produce a smaller baby, but there were many other things that contributed to the train wreck that landed me in a csection with my first son. I’m also seeing a chiropractor regularly to keep my body healthy and baby optimally positioned for labor. All around, I’m feeling much better this pregnancy and am hopeful that a much better birthing experience will leave me feeling empowered in such a remarkable way that I will not suffer as much as I did with my body image after my first son.

All in all, I know my body will continue to change. It is my job to keep it as healthy as I can, no matter what society tells me it “should” look like. Just when I thought I was getting closer to the a more perfect body, plans changed and I’m growing again. And I’ll have to lose weight again. My body is not stagnant. It is alive and ever changing. And I’m doing my best to embrace that in a positive and healthy way that leaves me encouraged and motivated to stay healthy! I do not want to accept myself as overweight, nor do I want to accept society’s view of a perfect body. I merely want to be active, toned, healthy, and happy with the appearance of my own body, as well as a good example to my own children to lead healthy, active lives.

1st picture is before/after of 90days of P90X
2nd picture is 5 weeks pregnant
3rd picture is comparison of Summer 2010(overweight!) and Summer 2011 after completing 90 days of P90X!
4th picture is me at 27 weeks pregnant, working my arms!
5th picture, my 2 year old boy!
6th picture, our little boy due in April on ultrasound!
7th picture is my growing belly at 5, 12, and 16 weeks
last picture is comparison of my belly from first son, to this pregnancy at 20 wks

4 Months PP, Breastfeeding, and Struggling with Eating Right (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 9 Comments

I was 19 and in my sophomore year of college 1000 miles away from home when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. My boyfriend was in school 800 miles away, and I had gotten pregnant while we were both home for Christmas Break. I was shocked, scared, etc. We moved back home, lots of struggles, and we’re finally on our feet. Our beautiful baby boy was born on September 9th, 2011. At 10 lbs, 5 oz. he was a C-Section. Not only 10 lbs 5 oz, but 23.25 inches long, my stomach was ruineddd. I was in good shape when I got pregnant. 5’8, and around 180 lbs, but I never worried much about my weight as a number because I never looked as heavy as I was. My stomach was always flat for the most part and I could get abs in no time. I gained about 65 pounds while pregnant.. thanks to my sweet tooth. So I got up to around 250-ish pounds… terrifying number to see on the scale, no matter how much I never worried about the number before. Also, I’m struggling with PPD. My boyfriend tends to ignore it… every time I’ve tried to discuss it with him he shuts down. It’s been hard with no support from him, but I went to the doctor and am now on anti-depressants that I think are helping. My son is my world, he’s PERFECT. But I’m dying to get my body back…. my stretchmarks are un…real…. I’m breastfeeding, so I’m hungry ALL THE TIMEEEE. And no matter how much “good food” I buy, I just grab quick snacks, or even make sugary things because it’s what I’m craving. It’s winter and I’m in the north so working out is difficult… I’m mostly a runner (or I was…) and a gym membership isn’t an option right now due to financial struggles. My boyfriend is super supportive with my body image issues, and tells me I’m beautiful no matter what, but as all women know, that’s never enough to convince YOU. :/ I can live with the stretch marks- I just want that flat tummy back! :(

Pic.1- 4 Month PP Stomach
Pic.2- Side View
Pic.3- Close-Up of Stretch Marks
Pic.4- 39 Weeks Pregnant
Pics. 5 & 6- Pre-Pregnancy Body

Searching For My Old Self (Kathleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Submissions, Update, Uterine Prolapse, VBAC 21 Comments

I am 30 years old and the proud mother of two sons – a 21 month old and 9 week old. My first son was delivered via c-section and my second was a successful vbac.

I am very fond of this website and enjoy reading the many courageous and often inspiring stories.

I was forced to deliver via emergency c-section with my first son due to fetal distress. This was heart breaking for me, as I had so badly wanted to experience a natural delivery. I did however quickly come to terms with my dissapointment when I got to hold my sweet little boy for the first time. It may not have been a picture perfect delivery, but he was here, and healthy.

I wasn’t crazy about my new body after my first son, but learned to embrace it one day at a time. The section scar never bothered me. In fact, it was a reminder of the miracles of modern medicine and how the procedure saved my baby.

Fast forward to the present, and I am now 9 weeks post partum with my second beautiful son. I was so very fortunate to experience a successful vbac. I finally had a natural delivery and it was everything I had hoped it would be. My son did however arrive quickly and forcefully, and I sustained a second degree tear and a uterine prolapse. Needless to say, things are no longer the same down there.

My Dr stated that kegels will help a bit but I could consider surgical repair once we are through having children. I feel so disfigured, and it is truly affecting my ability to be intimate with my husband. He is wonderful, tender and supportive, but I have such a huge hang up about it, that I can’t allow myself to enjoy being intimate. This is only compounded by the fact that the sensation is decreased and I don’t like looking at my stretched out body.

I am trying so hard to overcome my hang ups. I have always considered myself to be a strong confident woman….but she seems to be hiding and I don’t know where to find her.

Updated here.

3 Years PP, Just Accepting Myself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

Hello ladies! First of all thanks for reading this, and thank god for this site!

I am now 3 yrs pp, and I absolutely have to say time DOES heal! At least for me, and I hope it does for you too. I had a very good pregnancy, I gained a lot of weight but was healthy and so was my baby. On my 9th month I started getting my stretch marks.. At first I thought it was the pants (LOL) since I really couldn’t see under my belly… But sure enough they grew ALL OVER.

After the baby, I weighed around 165 I am now 145 (I’m 5’4) so I still have a couple of pounds to loose but its been a LONG way and it’s not until now that’s I’m starting to accept my body. I was only 18 when I had my son and after I would get so depressed, just looking at my body and seeing everyone else so fit and skinny. I would cry for everything cause I was not happy with myself.. I didn’t even want to have sex anymore cause I thought how can I possibly feel sexy looking like this? Half of the time I was mad at my bf for no reason I would always complain and I never felt confident..

I’ve since got on a diet and started to lose weight and exercise and it’s been the best medicine!! My body is looking better although truth is it’s never gonna look how it did or how I want it too! But I’ve come to realize IT’S OKAY!! my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mind and it took me a while but now I’m starting to not mind either. As much I hate my stretch marks I am thankful to my body for making such a healthy baby! If that’s what it had to do, stretch so much so he could fit LOL and be healthy than that’s fine.

I think confidence it’s sexy, and like I read in another post… Fake til you make it!! Feel confident in your own skin! Cause honey, When it comes down to intimacy I think the last thing your hubby is gonna be into is your stomach :) lol

I’ve started to use strivectin I thi k it’s the name, i know they sell it at sephora but I bought mines at marshalls for $60 bucks I still have to see if it helps… Tanning also helps I need to do that.

I wish I had a picture of my belly when my stretch marks were still purple but these are of now. (I’ve lost weight and exercised but I know it’s gonna be a long time before I loose my little old wrinkly flab) lol
In the one with the blue undies you can see them better..

Age: 21
Pregnancys/births: 1
Age: 3

Frustration (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

My story is LONG and exhausting, but I like to tell it. I hope that I can be inspiration to other females that find themselves where I was, and where I am now.

Previous to my night of conception, I was a vibrant young 20 year old female. I was nearing the end of my third year in college, I spent a lot of my time at the gym, I was coaching a high school cheering team with my best friend, I was single, and I never expected to get pregnant. In fact I was not sexually active for over a year previous to this and I wasn’t planning on being sexually active. Which explains why I was not on birth control at the time.

I took a trip to Boston with my best friend to visit my cousin and his friends. We went to a small house party with just 5 guys and my best and I. I drank quite a lot of beer and I remember taking a one shot the whole entire night. I don’t remember anything after that shot. When I woke up in the morning I was clothed and alone in a bed. I was still very drunk and felt awful. My best friend was the one who woke me and the first thing she asked was if I had sex the night before. She explained that she heard someone in the room with me and she opened the door and saw one of the guys was naked so she shut the door thinking she was interrupting. I told her there was no way I would do that because I was not using birth control. Just in case though I asked the guys. They all either denied it or said they couldn’t remember anything. My friend was sure it happened though. I kind of let it slide thinking I would be okay. A month later I was two weeks late and took a pregnancy test. I of course was pregnant. I immediately got a hold of my cousin and asked him what he knew. He told me he didn’t know anything about what happened and to ask the other guys. I sent a message to each guy at the party asking if it happened without letting them know I was pregnant. They all again denied everything. I then let them all know I was pregnant and it was for sure from that night. After I admitted my pregnancy, I never again heard from any of them. In fact my own cousin stopped speaking to me. I am pro-life and abortion was completely out of the question. After a very emotional month, I started to look into adoption.

I love my child so much, and I would be a responsible and caring mother, no question. But I wanted my child to have a father, and a permanent home, and stability. I would do the best I could and my father would be a male figure in my child’s life, but I wanted more for him. I chose to have an open adoption. I started a long journey of finding out what I had to do and how I had to do it. I found a family on Adoption.org. After speaking with their adoption agent for a while, I finally arranged to meet them in person. I fell in love with the couple I chose. They are both in their thirties, they are unable to have children, married for 8 years, and the perfect two people to raise my child. We became very close over the following 6 months of my pregnancy.

Our baby was born November 30, 2011 after 16 long hours of labor. I tried to do the birth natural. I went 12 hours pushing before the doctor came in and asked me to please have an epidural. I was so tired that I had been falling asleep in between the contractions, he felt that I would be to exhausted to push. I felt defeated and went through with the epidural. An hour later I had not progressed and the doctor came back to tell me I would have to be induced. Again I felt defeated. It was two hours later that my doctor returned and said something was wrong, the baby was not dropping and I needed to have an emergency c section. I could not stop crying. I felt like a failure as a women. For years women had babies naturally and here I was unable. Thank God for my c section though, the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my babies neck.

The adoption process was the hardest part. I had 2 weeks of legal custody even though my baby was with his parents during that time. For almost an entire month I saw baby and the parents every day before he finally got to move home. I have never felt heartbreak like I did the day I said goodbye. Thankfully I see pictures of him daily and I will be visiting him in 3 months. I have a lot of emotions still and I feel that emptiness everyday, but I am moving forward in my life.

In picking my life back up, I am trying to get back in the shape. Previous to my pregnancy I was 132 lbs and the day I gave birth I was 170 lbs. I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pp. Due to my c section, I was unable to exercise until this week. Thankfully pumping breast milk helped me loose the majority of my weight, I am now 138 lbs. I have started to exercise again but I feel awful about how I look and how hard it is to work out. I don’t know of any other women who have had a c section outside of older women. I can’t relate with anyone my age and I am feeling hopeless…

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks 4 days PP

Pictures:
The first picture is New Years Eve 2012.
The second is my baby and I two weeks pp.
The third is me 3 months pregnant with my best friend.
The fourth picture is me 38 almost 39 weeks.
The 5th and 6th are me at 36 weeks – pre stretch marks.
The last 3 pictures are me today at 6 weeks pp.

Is She an Angel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

I’m 22 years old and I’ve had a rough couple of years with love, I started dating this guy and he wasn’t exactly treating me the best, I knew I deserved better but didn’t have the self respect to care. After four months of dating him, we found out we were pregnant, when I told him it was a yes the first the he said was “now your stuck with me forever” not exactly the kind of thing you want to here from your partner when your expecting. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, I love children and have wanted them my entire life, but the situation I was in was not ideal for me or the baby. We stayed together and I continued to let him treat me with disrespect and not plan for the future with our new baby, but I thought a child needs their mom and their dad, where my parents had split up I didn’t want that for my children. We went on to find out it was a little girl, my moms fourth granddaughter, you can say my nieces who are 4, 6, 8 were all over the moon with excitement for their new addition to the bunch. After about another month of continuous stress from my partner I decided that I needed to be as healthy as I could for her and to cut out all of the stresses and decide to better mine and hers life. I left my boyfriend and found that after the stress was gone I could focus more positive energy on her, we decided to name her Chloe. As soon as I found out she was a girl I knew her name was Chloe, it was just in my mind from the start. I spent the next 4 months painting her room pink, setting up her crib, putting away her clothes and buying her new curtains for her nursery, I swam every week and she loved it I would feel her kick and move, I bought giant headphones for my belly and would play her music, country which is my favourite, or classical because I heard it helps the brain develop. I began to feel this joy for my baby girl as she grew and filled my tummy with love, everything was going so well, my friends threw me a shower as well as my family. There was soo much stuff for Chloe her room was overflowing with things, she was the most anticipated baby ever, so it was getting down to the wire, one week left, 5 days, 4 days. After 3 days of being overdue I felt this weird pressure but after calling the hospital and going through the checklist they said I was fine and not to worry, when I woke up in the morning my whole life changed. I hadn’t felt Chloe move for at least 3 hours and realized this wasn’t like her, I started to get really worried, I went up to the hospital where they asked me to get up on the bed and lay back while they check her heart beat, standard procedure. After about a half an hour of searching the tears were streaming down my face as the nurses told me not to panic they called in an ultrasound tech to come check for her heartbeat, I closed my eyes and prayed to god as they checked…and checked…and checked. Complete silence in the room of 6 doctors and one of my best friends I knew she was gone, as I felt the words coming out of my mouth, and heard the answer from the doctor “im sorry hunny she is gone” After calling my family and friends I got into bed in the room, and for two days I stayed there waiting to deliver her, finally she came, the most beautiful precious girl I have ever seen, she was 9 lbs 10 oz and 22 inches long, she was huge and I felt proud that I had nourished her, I felt as though even though she was gone, I did all I could to care for my baby. We baptized her and spent time holding her and kissing her cheeks and saying our goodbyes to our precious Chloe we had all been waiting to met. I felt all of my dreams and hopes and my heart completely breaking into a million pieces, everything I had worked so hard for and changed so much about myself for was just gone. Its been a week and 4 days since she has been gone, it feels like a lifetime, I miss her every single moment, I catch myself feeling my tummy for her, or thinking I cant drink that or I shouldnt eat this its not good for Chloe. My daughter changed my entire life without even being here in front of me, she taught me to love myself, to take care of myself and to know that their is love much greater than any other love alive, and that is the love a parent has for his/her child. mabye God sent Chloe to me to help me get through this point in my life, to give me something to look forward to, to be a good person. Now all I think about is the day I get to see Chloe in heaven and I’ll do everything to make her proud of me, I have a guardian angel watching over me, for the rest of my life. At the funeral a few people had pointed out to me that her photo looked like there was a halo and wings, so was Chloe an angel sent by God to spread love and inspire me and everyone else to never take one breathe for granted, either way my daughter is the most special thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never ever forget her.

Struggling (Nicola)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 16 Comments

Nicola, age 26
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth
1 Year PP

When I was pregnant, I really believed that I was going to enjoy motherhood. I was sure that I had prepared myself as much as one can. When my baby was born, of course it was difficult from the start. Not only was I recovering from a forceps birth with episiotomy, but I was trying to adjust to life with a newborn. I kept telling myself it would get easier, and believing that it would was the only thing really carrying me through.

It has been a year since my baby’s birth and I sometimes wonder if I might be depressed. I try so hard to be a good mom, but I still don’t feel like the mother I would like to be. My baby has been slowly cutting teeth, one after the other for over six months. She was actually a better sleeper at 8 weeks old. My heart sinks when she wakes up from a nap sooner than I’d like, because all I can think of is how tired I am and how I don’t know how to fill the rest of our day. She is so clingy and gets upset if I leave the room. She hardly ever plays by herself. I can’t even prepare a meal in the kitchen without her hanging off my legs. We have not taken a family vacation since she was born and I have no plans to return to work. My husband works in another state and is home for maybe one week out of the month. He is not on a set schedule so we never really know when he’ll get to come home. If I got a job I would see even less of him than I already do. I feel useless because I don’t make any money of my own.

My mother is of help to me, but she oversteps boundaries all the time. She acts like my baby’s mom sometimes which drives me crazy. I feel resentful and annoyed and yet, I hardly see any of my friends… so if I get lonely enough, I’ll pack up the baby and go to her house. I feel like I only go to her house, the grocery store, and once a week playgroup. I really need to do something for myself, but at the end of my day, I just have a cry, finish up housework, shower, and go to sleep. Then my baby wakes up a few times throughout the night. She doesn’t eat at night, and I don’t go in unless I sense something is wrong… and yet she still wakes up.

I am at the point of exhaustion. I can’t tell my husband how I really feel because he makes me feel guilty. My mom downplays my emotions so I try not to complain around her. I just feel like being a mother has consisted of a lot of shitty days, and not very many good ones. I started out with such high hopes and a good attitude but lately these things have wavered. Before my daughter was born, all I could think of was the kind of mother I would be, and how I could protect my child from at least some of the things that I went through. Now I wonder if I will ever be able to pick myself up and do right by her.

I don’t tell any of my friends about this. To them, I have a great life and a lot of knowledge to share. I was lucky and went back to my old shape after a month. I know that a lot of them are jealous that I don’t have to go back to work… I know how it must look. We have a pretty nice house and my husband brings in an exceptional income. If I see something for my baby, I don’t think, I just buy. So you see, we have it pretty good. This could be why I don’t feel like I can complain. I’ve watched Teen Mom and I can see how dire a Mother’s situation can become, but I still feel down and sorry for myself a lot of the time. I think if I had a hobby, or a part time job, ate better, and got a better quality of sleep, I could have my good attitude back and be a better mom. At the moment, I can’t pick myself up! It sucks big time! And yet, I reach ovulation every month and all I can think about is how badly I want to get pregnant again! What a mind-fuck. That would be the worst thing we could do right now. And yet those silly hormones make me believe I could manage with two. As if.

Giving birth was the biggest event of my life, and I’ve sort of felt this… let down ever since.

4 Babies in 3 Years (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 12 Comments

Hi,
I’m 35, mother of 4 beautiful children.
My PP weight was in 110-120 range. My first – twin pregnancy my weight went up to 198 lb, I went back to 115 lb 9 month after.
18 after the twins I’ve had my third beautiful baby and my weight was up to 170 lb. Again I lost all extra weight by the 9th month after the delivery.
Two years later I’ve had my fourth baby and my weight went up to 165lb. I’ve managed to lose 35 lb, but the rest is still with me.
I feel as if I had been more athletic I could get in the better shape, but my flabby belly will always stay with me and I hate it.
My husband is being very supportive and still very attracted to me sexually which means a lot. In general I feel very proud of my children, my husband and myself. Right clothes, nice hair, lipstick and wedges – and carry myself like a model, makes people turn their heads whenever I get out with all of my babies who are 5,5,4 and 2 now and I feel good. Carry yourself tall, girls, and your bellies will look flatter and your breasts fill sit higher and everyone will see how gorgeous you really are.