Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

The Life of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

I’m 31 and have had 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage – no children. All years apart and all for the best…. and still I find myself looking at my belly, that carried the life I was expecting to meet, someone I already loved. I wonder if it’s strange that it’s two years later, and I am still the same size and shape I was when I was pregnant. I know there is a part of me who is waiting to meet my baby, I also know there is no baby to meet. We were engaged… almost.. I said yes, but didn’t want to make it official until I met his parents… we were planning the trip… and a few months later – pregnant. I was excited, felt lucky, felt loved… then, he cheated on me… things unraveled and I had a miscarriage… it was an abrupt end to so many things…

I know now like I didn’t know before that I want to be a mother. And in the process of deep grieving and now deep healing, I know my soul better than I did 2 years ago, or rather I listen to my soul and respect my emotions more than I did. The ways I changed in looking forward to being a mother stayed with me, and I found with in me a mother’s voice and mother’s heart…. comforting, soothing, and nurturing all the wounded and neglect parts of myself. I used to think the goal was to lose the belly… the 25 pounds.. and I would know that part of me didn’t want to, because part of me was still wanting to grow, for this life I loved to grow… and when the belly was gone I would know it was all over…

Still ‘chubby’… still carrying my belly… I see all the things that grew in me when life stopped – a deeper self acceptance… speak softly to myself… reflect kindly… meditate earnestly… love deeper…

I turned 31 and suddenly noticed this “mother consciousness” and realized that this was a gift for me… a strong and comforting voice that has been growing in me. That will be with me, even if I lose this belly.

The Body My Children Gave Me (Kelly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 0 Comment

Age: 27
Number of children: 4, going on 5
Ages of children: 9, 7, 4 and 2, with the next one due in March

When I got pregnant with my oldest son, I was 5 foot 2, 93 lbs, and thought my body was perfect. After he was born, I lost the weight pretty quickly. My whole family has great metabolism. After having 6 children, my Grandmother maintained a small frame, and weighed approximately 110 lbs before cancer took over and took her from us (she was less than 80 lbs at the time of her death). My mom was the same way, weighing just 100 lbs after 3 children. After my first 3 children (all boys) were born, I also maintained a weight of around 100 lbs.

After my 4th child was born, my only daughter, I had dropped all but 15 lbs, and was happy. I realized that 93 lbs was far too skinny for my height, so I wasn’t worried about losing the rest. I was a size 5. I had stretch marks, of course, but I was proud of those. I had sagging breasts, but I breastfed one of my children, and was fine with those. Victoria’s Secret helps me out there. Then I decided that I didn’t want to worry about having more children, so I was put on a certain birth control. I was on it for a year, and during that year I was misdiagnosed as having post partum psychosis (an unfortunate side effect of the birth control), and I had gained 40 lbs. I grew to hate how I looked. I had a stomach that made me look 6 months pregnant. I wore baggy clothes, and the rare occasions that I started to feel good about myself and wore something not quite as baggy, someone would inevitably ask me if I was pregnant. One of those questions came when I was sitting at a bar, with a beer in front of me and a shot in my hand. I cried myself to sleep that night. My best friend and I decided to turn my garage into a gym and motivate each other to get in shape and stay in shape. While working on that, I found out that I am pregnant again.

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with what will be my last child. I look like I am 6 months pregnant. I have started wearing clothes that show off my stomach again, clothes that are more form fitting, and yet, I still hate how my body looks. My thighs are rubbing together, they never did that before the last 2 years. My butt is lumpy. My c-section scars are hidden, but very much there to me. I have love handles on my lower back. I have fat rolls that stick out over the side of my bra. My breasts have grown 2 cup sizes, and now that I am pregnant again, I know they will grow more. I hate everything about how I look.

Then I look in the mirror. I smile as I look at my stretch marks, because for every mark, I have a story about my children. I look at my scars, and I know, that I have 2 beautiful children who were born via cesarean because their cords were wrapped around their necks, and I know that my scars are beautiful. I look at my thighs, and I know those are the thighs of a woman who has carried 4 children to term, and is carrying a 5th. I look at my love handles, my stomach, my breasts, and I am happy. I am happy to see that because of my body, 4 amazing children came into this world, all happy and healthy. And I know that soon, a 5th child will arrive.

I know that when this one is born, I just might go back to hating how I look. And I hope that if I do, I can start to go to the gym. I hope that going to the gym won’t make me think I will get back to my old figure, but maybe it will help me to see that no one is perfect. No one is perfectly happy with themselves, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally be satisfied with the body my children gave me.

Can I Get a Do-Over? (Megan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 17 Comments

One pregnancy, one baby, 13 months old.
I’m currently 22, 13 months postpartum.

If I could go back and do my pregnancy over, KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW, I’d do so much differently:

* I’d keep working out daily, just like I had been doing up until the moment I peed on the stick.
* I’d skip the mom haircut I got at 7 months preggo (thank heavens that’s finally grown out!).
* I’d eat little bits throughout the day between meals. Then maybe I wouldn’t have been STARVING after work and so willing to abandon my clean eating in favor of shoveling anything down!
* I’d go with my gut and have that home birth I wanted. I got my “natural” hospital birth but not really on the terms I’d planned on.
* I’d remember to slather on the anti-stretch mark cream more often. I know I’m genetically more inclined to get them (my mom did) but at least I’d feel better about having put up a good fight against them!
* I’d try to keep the weight gain to under 50 pounds. Maybe then I wouldn’t have so many stretch marks in the first place. I mean, I knew I’d probably get them on my boobs and tummy (which I did) but seriously, ALL down my legs? and my hips? and my butt? AND coming out of my hoo-ha?! Sooo embarrassing.
* I’d buy cuter maternity clothes so that in all my preggo pics I wouldn’t be wearing ratty b-ball shorts and my hubbies t-s. For reals, by week 41 that’s all I could squeeze into.
* I’d buy a belly bandit and wrap up my tummy right after the baby came out. Then maybe it wouldn’t have taken 13 months just to end up looking like I do now.

I hope my next pregnancy goes much differently than my first but with the same result: an amazing little one! I know the physical stuff doesn’t really matter in the end, but it’s so hard to stop blaming myself for my somewhat ruined body. I feel like I’d be pretty much fine with my body now (Super droop boobs included. After 12 months of hardcore nursing, I expected it.) if only I had no stretch marks. Extra skin/fat I can deal with and work hard to correct, but no matter how many squats I do, these marks will never leave my thighs. People always say, “Don’t worry they fade sooo much!” Yeah but seriously, my skin is no longer the texture of a human. Plus, it’s been A YEAR! When are they gonna fade off my legs?! Jeez. I’m finally glad I need to wear contacts because without them in, I look pretty good! Thanks for letting me vent. Keep going mama’s, we’re all doing the most important job in the world and that’s what I keep trying to focus on ….

Pics: all 13 months pp. Stretch marks on hips, legs, and stomach. Sucking in the tummy. Pulling up my extra skin and then letting it all hang out!

Updated here.

Is there hope or am I going to be in these shoes forever? (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I am 19 years old/ 18 when pregnant/ 19 when i gave birth.
number of children:1 born july 8th 2010.
birth: c sec.
pre pregnancy weight:105
Wheight right before birth: 175
Wheight now: 144
Weeks pp: 7

Hello. I started this entry knowing exactly what I wanted to say but suddenly…I dont know where I should start…perhaps I should start by saying that like most teens I was ungratful about my body I once had, and took every beautiful inch of it for granted. Or should I start by saying that I got pregnant on perpose?? Ither way I think I shall start with pre pregnancy life…pre pregnancy life was full of bushitten and partying…at the age of 17 i met the best boyfriend any 17 year old could ask for, i was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship when i met the guy i want to spen the rest of my life with. i had been seeing someone since i was in 7th grade off and on until my jr year began. he fooled me so many times i look now and waunder what the hell i was doing. he cheated on me with my friends and always dissed me for other people…i guess its because when i lost my verginity to him i was only 12 and i was stupid and too young for sex. My father was never realy around in my younger years, so perhaps thats why i clung on for sooo long as well…andywho I met Cory my boyfriend now, at 17 when I was still with this guy…and I ended up leaving him for cory…which i will never regret =) Cory and i where dating for a few months and i fell for him hard and fast…he then moved to another state where his mother lived to get his life back on track, i was heart broken..but we kept in touch the whole time he was gone, he was gone fore about 4 months, when he got back, he thought he was too young to be tied down and wanted to brake up, i was heart broken…so he went his way, and i went mine…little did i know he was getting into some pretty hardcore drugs, and so was I with other people. He was doing meth and i was doing coke. a few months went by and at this time my x’s cousin was trying to get with me, i desided what the hell free coke, and i get to get my x back for all the times he messed with my best friends, so me and this guy fooled around, we will call him bubba, him and i where really good friends before we fooled around…but since we do not speak. so cory comes back around feeling like he messed up…and at this point i didnt know what to do. at the time i thought i cared abouit bubba but i truly didnt know what love was yet. long story short bubba and i broke up and cory and i got back together. cory was living with his dad who was a drunk like mine, and thought buyin alcahol was more important than paying the gas bill…and it was the middle of winter. so there was no heat or hot water. i stayed the night with him most the time, because i was just so crazy about him, and i had a vehicle to get to school. i would tell my mom i was staying at my dads, who lived a few blocks away, but i think she knew better.
Cory and I ended up getting into meth pretty bad up for days, and weeks at a time…hangen with the wrong crowed, when i was with my x i had no friends i didnt go out drinking or partying i wasnt allowed to, because i was stupid and let him control me. so once i got away i was doing everything crazy that came my way and it felt great!! Until I oded. and ended up in the hospital, cory and i had been up for weeks and my heart rate was increasing dramaticly and i was halusinating…when we got to the hospital i hardly rememberd a thing…my heart rate was 198bpm, from what my mom told me later on…after this i vowed never to touch that shit again…

a year went by i graduated high school barly, and cory and i got our own place. i was working full time at a call center and he was working full time at a catering company…he had dropped out of school when he was 16 he is a year younger than me.

I was on the depo bc shot for almost two years, when i got off it, i had horrable periods and bleeding problems thinking id never get pregnant…i got depressed. then i got to wanting a baby, for about 6 months, and then cory and i desided we would try for a baby i was almost 19 and he was almost 18, yea stupid i know. but we tryed and tryed and finally i realized it was never going to happen…then poof! on nov. 10th my mothers bday i got a pos. pregnancy test! I was so stoked!!! i called him to tell him and he was happy too! then everything came crashing down we both lost our jobs and had to move to missouri where his family lived, other than his dad. we where living with his sister which was not plesent at all grant it she is a great person, but it was very crowded. i was 24 weeks pregnant when we got our apartment, and settled in he was working full time at mcdonalds, and i couldnt find a job even if i tryed, i was already getting huge…
i was mesuring 5 wks ahead because of extra water the placenta was retaining…
people would ask me if i was having twins…
finally when i was 39 weeks and 3 days i was indused…because of savere vvaricose vains and the fact that my uturus would not grow any further, on l=july 7th i was induced…july 8th, i was finally 10cm dialated after 13 hours of labor and ready to push, i pushed for 3 hours before the doc said no no no! his head is stuck on your pelvic bone! i started to ball why me!!! after all this work. the gave me a spinal blcok that failed so they had to kncock me out for c sec. cory was devistatetd he couldnt be in the room for the birth of our baby! the knocked me out and the next thing i remember was waking up and getting to hold my beautiful baby boy! Karter Julian Wayne Bowser! he was born at 6:18 pm july 8th 9ibs 20z 201/2 inches long!!!

he was perfect in every way!!!

but now im left with this stumic. i dont mind the stretch marks, nor do i mind my scar, its this overhang thats deeply depressing me. ive never seen anyone with an issue until i came to this site, everyone i know had little 6ib babys and quick natural labors…and back to there pre pregnancy self…
i was a size 0 when i got pregnant now im a 9. that dosnt even bother me.
i just dont feel there is hope to get rid of this flab…everyone tells me only sergary can fix it. specially since i have desrectis recti savere seperation of the abdominal wall, because of how big i was…
please ladys give me hope!!! that I will beable to loose this!

im ataching a picture of my son less than a day old and of now, and a picture of me and cory before i got pregnant, as well as a before pregnancy pic and a pic of me at 30 wks pregnant. and pics of me now.

My struggle, the stretch marks are totally worth it (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 8 Comments

I have an incompetent cervix. This means that my cervix opens way too soon, resulting in a miscarriage or stillbirth. My first pregnancy I lost at 9 weeks when the baby was discovered to have passed away. My second pregnancy I lost at 4 months, when my water broke and I was dilating. The baby was already on her way out, so I had to deliver. At this point.. no diagnosis was made. They said it was a fluke, and no mention of a cervical condition was made.

When I found out I was pregnant again, needless to say, I was terrified. All I could think is “What if it happens again?”. I was very cautious, and so was my doctor. Every little pain I felt I made sure I was checked out. At around 18 weeks I was feeling some strange pressure, so being the nervous mama that I was, I went to the ER. The ER docs checked me out. They did a manual exam which concluded that my cervix was still closed. I was relieved. They decided to call my on call doc to let him know what was going on and then they were going to release me. I was sitting in the exam room waiting, quite relieved that everything appeared to be OK. Then, the on-call doc walked in. He just happened to be in the hospital, and given my history he decided to check me out himself. He did another exam and said that my cervix was closed but felt a little bit soft and not like that of a woman who has never given birth at term. He took me up to L&D. I started to get a little nervous but figured he was just being cautious. He did a transvaginal ultrasound and found that my cervix was serverely funneled (opening from the inside out) and very short. Usually this happens when you’re going into labor, but in my case.. it was just happening. I cried, got dizzy, almost passed out. The doctor was very kind and explained what could be done and that all hope was not lost. I decided to go home that night, and call my own doc in the morning. I truley believe that the on call doc being there was a miracle. If it wasn’t for him, I would have lost this baby too.

The next morning my doctor had called me. He had my report to a local women’s only hospital. The High Risk specialists there were awesome. They confirmed that my cervix was indeed dilating and short. They then set me up for an emergency cerclage. A cerclage is a stitch placed in the cervix to hold it closed and keep the baby in for as long as possible. They admitted for the night, and the procedure was set for the morning. I was TERRIFIED!! I barely slept all night long. I cried the whole time I was wating to go into surgery. There are risks to the procedure (breaking of the water, infection etc) and I just wanted to bad for my baby to be OK. Turned out, the procedure wasn’t so bad. I was awake for it, but was given a Spinal Anesthetic so I couldnt feel a thing. It was over in about 30 minutes.. and then I was sent to recovery. I had some cramping but was doing OK, so they sent me home that night.

At first, I was scared to even move out of my bed. I was taken out of work and was told to stay at home and relax for the most part. I wasn’t on bedrest persay but I was still terrified of doing anything to mess things up.

Ok, fast forward to now. Every since the placement of the cerclage my cervix has been being very good! The funneling has resolved and my cervix actually gained length. I am now 31 weeks, and the baby is doing great!! He kicks me all the time and I love it. Some days I sit here and watch my belly move all around.. It’s so cool :) No one had even expected me to make this far. But here I am.. still doing great. No signs of labor or anything. I am so thrilled.

What’s funny is that once things started to look up and I started to get a lot less nervous.. I started looking at the changes in my body. My belly really started to pop right out at around 28 weeks. I am short (5’2) and I am all belly it seems. I have only gained about 15-16 lbs during this pregnancy but I still have a lot of stretch marks. They are running all across my belly and sides. I was depressed about them for a while, but when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he just looked me funny. He said “Babe, all this time you’ve been so worried over this baby and now you’re worrying about something as superficial as those stretch marks? I’d love you if you were covered in them. Don’t worry so much!”. He was right. How could I worry about such a thing? They are my mommy marks. Proof of what I’ve overcome to make it this far with my little one. Don’t get me wrong.. I still constantly use creams and lotions on my belly.. but I am not depressed about it. I can worry about my body later. For now, I just want to get this baby into the world safe and sound. I worked so hard at this.. I refuse to let such a silly thing get to me. I have included some pictures of myself. The first one is pre pregnancy, I was about 125 pounds there. The second is me at 21 weeks, the third is at 25 weeks, and the last is at 30 weeks. Thanks for listening!!

Your Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births:3 pregnancies, currently 31 weeks

Updated here.

Learning to Love It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age-21
Pregnancies and Births- 1
Months PP- 5 months postpartum

I have ALWAYS wanted to have kids. So when I married my husband, I knew someday they would follow. We figured 4 or 5 years, so I was on birth control. 4 months after we got married, I felt pregnant, took a HPT and all 5 of them read positive (like 1 wouldnt have told me). At first I was so excited, I wanted to have my baby bump right away, alas, I was about 25 weeks before you could tell I was pregnant. I had a great pregnancy, light morning sickness, one small stretch mark on my hip, and I made it a goal to exercise and eat right, gaining 20 lbs, starting at 130 lbs and 150 lbs the day I delivered. But I didnt enjoy my pregnancy like I should have. I was so concerned about gaining too much weight and not being able to lose it later. I went into labor on my due date, labor lasted 11 hours from start to finish with 3 hours of pushing, I had my baby girl vaginally with slight tearing of my labia. I never imagined I could love someone so much, I wouldnt trade her for anything even my prebaby body. But I am having such a hard time accepting my new body. My husband is so supportive, he says he likes this body better. I weigh in at 128 now and fit into prepreg cloths, but my tummy seems jiggly and my boobs stretched overnight when my milk came in so they are bigger and stretchies show on their sides. However I do LoVe breastfeeding! I am trying to get back into exercising and eating right but its so hard to find time with my 5 month old demanding my attention, and I’m always hungry from breastfeeding. I hope to loose some tummy fat and tone up all over before we try for our next in about 2 years (we’ll see if we make it that far on my new birth control) Recently I realized that, hey, my body is amazing! It accepted a pregnancy, carried it to term, delievering a healthy beautiful baby, and recovered while still nurishing that baby. I shouldnt be so hard on it after all. I hate what supermodels have done to us. They are not the norm, and why are their bodies what we ladies want to have? Anyway, this site has done wonders for helping to come to terms, and I want to maybe help another women struggling with her body too. Heres to us mamas! :)

First Pic- 35 weeks pregnant
Second pic- 1 week postpartum
Third pic- Side 5 months pp
Fourth pic- Stretch mark side 5 months pp
Fifth pic- Front View

Updated here.

Why Can’t I Love My Body? (Ileana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

I am a 21 year old mother of 3. I got pregnant at the age of 15 and had a wonderful little boy when i turned 19 i had my second little boy and at the age of 21 I had my little girl. Last year i met the love of my life it was love at first sight, he is a wonderful man, he is my hero. My husband is in the United States Navy, he is 23 years old. He is such a wonderful man, he accepted my two boys into his life like if they where a piece missing from a puzzle and he has loved us unconditionaly.But now I feel that he deserves much Better than me even though he tells me im beautiful and just perfect the way I am, I just don’t feel the same way he does. My whole life I have had body issues even when i was younger and now that I had my little girl I look at pictures of when i was younger and i think to myself how dumb I was for not liking what i saw! Now that i see myself I just see imperfections everywhere I am 8 weeks post partum and i hate what i see in the mirror. My stomach is full of stretch marks and my belly is just so big I try to stay positive but I just look big all around. I love my children and i would not change any of the decisions that i have made. And even though each pregnacy has changed my body I would have them all over again. But I just wish I could love myself (my body) as much as i love them. Everyone tells me i look great for 8 weeks post partum but I just don’t see what they see. How could I love myself more?

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Learning to Love the Body I’ve Gained (Gwen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Pregnancies: 1
Births: 1 beautiful boy!
Postpartum: 19 months

I submitted an entry a number of months ago but never saved the link to it, so my pics from around 12 months PP are lost somewhere. The pictures I submitted were before I gave up pumping through my work day, which I did at 12 months PP. We are still nursing, but I no longer send him to daycare with breast milk. As soon as I stopped pumping around-the-clock, I was able to shed about 10 pounds.

Like a lot of women, I spent my teens years ignoring the beauty of my body and cultivated a poor self image, relying on the images of “beauty” that the media and world fed to me. And let’s face it: Those images are rarely attainable, often fake, and sometimes not even really that beautiful. We are just told “this is what beauty is”.

I spent my pregnancy LOVING my body. For the first time in my life. As my belly grew I felt love and gratitude and acceptance for how I widened and stretched and changed. Even when I discovered stretch marks forming on the underside of me, just barely out of eyes reach, I accepted that this was the change my body would have to give my my little son. Truthfully; the stretch marks were my worst fear. My mother (having had 2 children), escaped without a mark! I vainly and foolishly thought that I would be as lucky. Ironically, both my sister and I have stretch marks from our pregnancies (mine are a bit worse than hers, but have faded over my PP time).

When my son was delivered, I had the same “deflated, squishy, and awful” stomach that women often experience, and was equally as disappointed to discover that even though I breastfed, my weight didn’t melt off me like I read it would, or heard from other mothers that it would. I was sorely dissapointed in that fact. It struck me that all the years in my youth with my beautiful firm, and young unmarked body how I criticized my every “flaw”. And that “flaw” that I wrought myself so much over wasn’t because of my body being ugly, or fat, or un-beautiful, it was my mind and my self image that was the true problem.

After a son, and about 60 pounds in pregancy weight gain, I am the smallest and fittest I have been in 3 years (since the conception of my son). I am not perfect, I am stretched large, and made thinner again as all mothers are, but I am beautiful for what I am, and what I have. And without this change in my body, could never have had the blessing of my son in my life. For that, I would sacrifice any of my looks or my shape.

This site has shown me bauty in every mother, and helped me to see my own beauty as a mother. It’s helped me to see how much the world impacts a womans concept of her own personal beauty, and how her body had to change to give her children and become a mother. It saddens me to see so many stunning and shapely women feel so poorly about their beauty and how nature created them (and trully: There are some AMAZINGLY stunning bodies of mothers. BOTH before AND afterward!)

Never doubt that as a woman; you are ALL beautiful! You are the gift of graciousness for bringing forward new lives, and nurturing the children that will become our caregivers, and friends, and companions. Even though we suffer pain in delivery, in accepting our own personal change, and the vast challenges of motherhood and marriages with children, nothing changes the fact that even though our beauty changes shape, it does not make it any less marvelous and lovely!

Thank you everyone for your support and bravery to each other by sharing your stories!

~1st photo: 19 months pp (and my little son trying to figure out “what Mommy is doing” -haha!
~2nd photo: What I look like with clothes on
~3rd photo: My beautiful little son grey, who is my little blessing!

Who am I? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age 26
2 pregnancy’s, 2 boys

I’ve been on this site alot over the last year or so and have never done an entry. I love this site it has helped me out through some bad days, today is one of those days, and I finally decided to send this in.
I met my husband when I was 17 we got engaged 9 months later…. just after my graduation, we moved in together in a new city thinking I was going to go to college, nope…….I have always suffered from self – esteem issues since a little girl and a little bit of deppression and when we moved it came out stronger. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, my friends were doing there own things and I was stuck. We got married a year later like planned and got pregnant when I was 20 I had our first baby boy at 21, pre-babe I was 5.9 and 130 pounds (looking at pictures of me back then I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself) after babe 193 lbs. and stretch marks from armpits to calves along with cellulite. I had spotting at the beginning of pregnancy due to blood type factors and it scared me out of doing my pilates which I loved to do. I got postpardum depression immediately with my first and from lack of bonding with my baby my therapist figures thats why we don’t get along so great :( A few months after our first I stood in front of my husband naked and asked him to tell me the truth (not knowing the truth is not what I was expecting) and asked if he thought I was as attractive as I used to be…….He said “no”. Almost 5 years later I am still having major troubles with it, I can’t get naked in front of him, I can’t wear a bathing suit (beaches and sunbathing being what I used to love) and I cry almost every time I look in the mirror. My husband tries saying that he doesnt know why he said no but that I look as good as I used too. Too late its always up there now. It took along time to want another baby after that. 3 yrs and 5 months later we had our second son this time the post pardum depression waited a couple months then came on strong, 16 months later I still am having a rough time. If my husband didnt find me as attractive after the first what about now at 217lbs. between the depression, anti-depressants and pregnancy the weight just keeps going up. I have no close friends and after my second baby I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes couldnt leave the house. Its made it hard to meet people and continue a normal life, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore, no friends, family who I feel, feel obligated to help out, a husband I feel I cant trust anymore and fight with constantly and rarely have sex or feel wanted ( I know its half my fault) , I feel like a horrible, lazy mom. Some days I wonder if I was really meant to be a mom. I love my husband and Kids so much, but it just feels like way to much most of the time right now. I feel lost and I dont know where to turn. Thanks again for this site, it does help…..keep the posts coming.

Young and Free (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

It’s hard some times to look around at the girls my age. This summer most are still following the latest fashion trends, wearing bikinis, and sporting tans. I was 18 when I got married, and had my first child a year later. Now I’m 21 with two kids. This is a beautiful thing. I don’t fit in low rise jeans, the cute bras at target don’t come in my size, but I regret none of this! My two beautiful kids were grown, nourished, and brought into this world by this body. This is a beautiful thing. I’m a mother, a wife, a baker, a seamstress, a photographer, a twenty-something. I may not get to go to the movies on Friday nights, but I know what I’m capable of. This should be no secret, this is a beautiful thing.

21, two pregnancies. Children are 27 months and 7 months.

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