Take 3: Getting There (Anonymous)

Previous entries here and here.

1 Pregancy & 1 birth
9 months postpartum

I’ve purposely left it till today to do this post; I’m exactly 9 months post-partum. Don’t they all tell you, it takes you 9 months to put it on and 9 months to lose it??!!! Well I’ve lost it all, in fact I’m even slimmer than before I had my beautiful little boy, but I’m not what you’d exactly call ‘back to normal’, if there is such thing as ‘normal’?? I refer to myself as slimmer than before, but slightly wobbly round the edges :-) I can actually smile about this now (well ish). I’m coming to terms (again I say ‘ish’) with my ‘new’ body!!

Since I last posted I was just about 5 months postpartum, which when I look back now, my body had barely had a chance to even begin to recover and I was so down on myself when I should have been really really enjoying those first few precious months with my baby. Which I will never get back again. My more positive attitude comes from the lovely and positive comments that I got from all the ladies that visit this site and also the fact that I decided to stop moaning and get my ass in to gear n do something about it!!

I actually (n can’t believe I’m going to say this) quite like my derrière!! All the ladies that commented on my post, commented on it and it really did make me re-think my attitude to my behind!! Yes, it’s not small and its not perfectly round (one cheeks higher than the other now, don’t know why) but it’s womanly and sexy!! I however, can’t say the same for the rest of my body!! My belly is still covered in horrid stretch marks!! But it is getting flatter, well when I stand up, but when I sit down I get this awful apron!! N my breasts are soooo saggy. This really does bother me, so much so that I’m actually contemplating a boob job! But by the time I’ve saved I may have come round and maybe even love my new droopies!!

The one thing that I’m really really struggling with is still being naked in front of my partner. It’s been 9 months and I STILL haven’t undressed in front of my partner or had sex with him unless the lights are dimmed/off or candles are lit! I’m just so afraid that he’ll see what I see and just think ‘my god’! I feel sorry for him, I really do. I am not what he originally signed up for and that’s what makes me feel this way. I’m not that person anymore that he first got with. He tells me I’m gorgeous, but he hasn’t actually seen ‘ME’, unless it’s in a darkened room, so how can he say this!! N when we do it, I’m just so self-conscious all the time. It’s awful, so awful. I wouldn’t wish this self-loathing on anyone! We want more kids, but I’m scared of what I will look like and I’m also scared that if we were to have a girl I’d pass my body image issues on to my little girl! I need to sort myself out, I’ve actually thought about counselling, but don’t think I could sit moaning to someone about my figure for an hour, it just seems so painful for the person that would have to listen to me rant on!!

Plus side – I’m getting there, I’m exercising and eating well (well sometimes, I can’t help myself from eating takeaway pizza’s) and have developed a healthy approach to my weight loss. I’m doing sit-ups and hoping that in time my tummy will tone and my stretch marks will fade. We’re planning a family beach holiday for us next year and I’m determined to rock a bikini, not a one piece, but a little two piece bikini! Stretch marks and all.

I’m still loving this site and the fact that it brings strength to so many people who need it. Anyone that hasn’t yet posted, but is thinking about it, shouldn’t definitely do it.

My pictures – me 9 months to this day and my little boy!!

Trying to Deal With This New Body (Nicole)

I have known my childs father for as long as i can remember it seems. Ive never been a person that loved kids. I was the one in the family people knew not to call me because of how i was with children. I was 20 when i found out i was pregnant so i was not excatly happy when i found out. So after dealing with any easy pregnancy and a terrible labor i was left with zero self esteem. I had a belly percing that turned of to look horrible as i grew in the pregnancy plus the stretch marks.My bf tells me everyday how much he loves my body but i just dont see it. I try not to look at other peoples bodies but you really cant avoid it especially at the beach. I hope that as time goes on that maybe i love my body and see it the way that he does

~Your Age:23
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are:18 months

1st pic- me now and if you look carefully you can see my scar
2nd pic- me 9 months post
3rd- my lil diva

I love my children, I hate my body. (Anonymous)

I had my first child, the day before I turned 15. I didn’t have my mom around, so had never known about stretch marks before. I still remember being 6 months pregnant, walking past the mirror on my way to the shower in the bathroom & seeing this great wide purple scar under my belly. I freaked out & cried. I had disliked my body before, but, THIS? It was just before my 17th birthday that I had my second child, a son. Up until then, my stretch marks were on the back of my calves and on my rear, but, my belly scars were at least under my waistline. However, my belly stretched out a great deal more with my son. The stretch marks were wider, and now up my sides & above my belly button, to where now, my whole stomach wrinkles in. It made me wish I hadn’t hated my body before, because I really had nothing to worry about. Even when I was younger, I was too modest to wear a bikini, now it’s simply not an option. I did wear one once & some guy shouted at me as I jumped into the water to “put a shirt on.” & so, I do.

My breast are a whole ‘nother matter. I had developed rather quickly at a young age. I was always small, but, my chest wasn’t. At 14, before I got pregnant, I was 98lbs, wearing a 34c. Yes, I had been sort of starving myself. Not consciously, I was just a very depressed child with no appetite. When I weighed in at the hospital before delivering my daughter, I weighed 183lbs. I breast-fed her until she was a year old, then, was pregnant again shortly after & breast-fed my son until he was a year old. I maintained a weight of around 135lbs, and was a 36c.

I was married to their father until our son was two. The relationship was surrounded by spousal abuse & constant fighting. While he professed his never-dying love of my body (which breeched obsession), he would make me feel incredibly insecure. Anytime a divorce was mentioned he would remind me that, at 19, I wasn’t exactly ideal. What guy would want damaged goods? He said that while he appreciated my body because he knew what it looked like before I had kids & that only a father could truly love a body like mine. I knew that he was only trying to make me believe it so that I wouldn’t leave him, but, I also knew that the truth hurts. One whole week after I left him, a literal weight had fallen off of me. I had lost 25lbs, & subsequently, 2 cup sizes & all plumpness.

That was almost 7 years ago. I am now 25, my son 8, my daughter 10. I’m relatively fit, never weighing more than 120lbs. I have trouble shoving myself into an A cup, so, I wear a B, though it’s irritating that I can hardly expose any cleavage because you can tell that they sag because it droops at the top. So, sometimes I do stuff my bra, not to make them bigger, but, to make them more plump at the top, reducing the sight of the stretch mark indentions. The marks have faded out some, but, not really. It’s not even so much the scars that I hate, it’s the wrinkles they make.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. He absolutely loves my body. He says my stretch marks look like tiger stripes. I think they look like a tiger mauled me! He says the symmetry helps. It’s unsettling to him, that, even after all of this time, I still try to cover myself up during sex. In fact, the first few times we did, I wouldn’t let him take my shirt off! My skin disgusts me, and can take me from being all hot & bothered to ugh. On top of my insecurities of losing him, & even though I’ve been proven wrong before, I worry that I’d never find anyone else to love my body as much as he does.

I even worry about my career. I’m going through Journalism school & the idea of being at the merciless scrutiny of the public terrifies me.

I’m so completely bitter about it. I’ve met many women that had children just as young as I did & they didn’t get a SINGLE scar & they have nice, ideal, breasts. I even project my own disgust onto them. Women who are flawless under their clothes gross me out. I think it takes on a whole personality disorder on its own.

I do like my figure to an extent. I’m not thrilled with this ridiculous muffin top that I’m always having to tuck into my waistband, but, I get so depressed about it, thinking about how young I am, & how I could have had this killer body, but, nooooooo, I couldn’t have also been blessed with great skin. By time I’m old enough that they fade, or I’m rich enough to have them removed, what would be the point?!

So, here are lots of current photos of me. 8.5 years after my last pregnancy. I notice EVERY imperfection. Not only are my breast small, deflated, and saggy, but, the larger one droops lower! I walk around tightening, sucking, tucking in my stomach, which just makes my back ache. I almost forgot to add a picture of the back of my legs — well, leg, rather. These are the only marks I’ve basically gotten over. I used to never wear shorts, but, now I wear some that at least cover the marks on the inside of my thighs.

I really appreciate this blog. It’s incredibly comforting knowing that I’m not really alone, that most mothers do face these postpartum woes. My two sisters-in-law share the same body-image insecurities as I do. I mentioned this site to them when I stumbled upon it looking for exactly this — pictures of women that look like me. By outing myself, I hope that I can encourage them to be brave too.

You may also choose to include:
~Your Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2, 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8, 10

The Sacrifice of a Mom (Cat)

~Number of pregnancies and births: Four Pregnancies, Two Births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My oldest turned 3 on Aug 27 and my youngest turned 10 months on Aug 29. So, 10 months.

When I was 18 years old, I found myself pregnant with my first child. My pregnancy was easy, until the heartburn and food sensitivity started in my second trimester. When I was about 30 weeks pregnant, the stretch marks came. Belly, butt, thighs, behind my knees, and I got cellulite on my butt and thighs for the first time in my life. After I had my son, in my opinion, my body was abused and looked disgusting. I ended up with postpartum depression, I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I gave my son up for adoption to a very loving family. I always looked like I was 4 to 5 months pregnant. Although I didn’t know it then, my son had caused my thyroid to crap out. I couldn’t lose weight, and on top of that, I got a severe hormone imbalance. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I felt fat and I had stretch marks everywhere, and I had no baby in my arms. I felt like…people are just going to think I am fat, they wont know that I had a baby. When my son was a year and a half, I got pregnant with my second baby boy. At this time I was more ready for motherhood, and I embraced the body that was growing my little bean. I was so happy to have him in my life. I do feel sad to this day that I did not connect with my oldest son, and hopefully I can make up for it later in life. My youngest was born, and I still looked like I was 4 months pregnant, and still do 10 months later. At 2 months, my baby got a vaccine with egg in it, which he is allergic to. Things went downhill…. Four months of breastfeeding, and my body gave out. My son had severe allergies to nearly everything, and I couldn’t eat enough to feed him. At four months of age, I had to stop breastfeeding and give him special formula. By this time, I was still very heavy, 5’7″ and almost 200 pounds. I didn’t care though, because I had my precious baby. I had a lot of problems with my health and mental health during this time to. There were a few instances where I couldn’t take the crying and screaming, because he was in so much pain, I had to walk out. I felt like a horrible mom. At 6 months of age, he was still miserable, he had eczema all over his body, and cried most of the time. We couldn’t get doctors to do anything for him, so we gave him up for adoption to a family who had all the same allergies that he has, and the money to take him to doctors. It’s been 4 months since the adoption, and my skin is saggy and marked with scars, I’m 60 pounds overweight, but that’s okay. I’m okay with it now, because I grew two beautiful boys in this body, and I love them more than life. I have a tattoo on my chest with my youngest sons foot prints, so although I have imperfections, I have my sweet boy close to my heart at all times and people can see that I do have kids and I am not just fat for no reason.

I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)

When most little girls were dreaming of marrying prince charming, or planning their weddings and the names of their future children, I had one goal in mind: I wanted to be physically supernatural, beautiful and virtually unbreakable. I didn’t play school or dress-up or house. I pretended I was a cartoon character: Cheetara, from the Thundercats show. Why Cheetara? Because she was everything I wasn’t — thin, muscular, acrobatic and tough. She could fight or escape her enemies, and she had a team of friends to help her.

In the real world, I was alone. A single child to neglectful, selfish parents. A student in a small, rural country school where I was often the only girl among several boys. I was a binge-eater starting at the age of 5 (to self-medicate the pain of my childhood), so I was chubby most of my young years. I hit puberty very young, growing noticeable breasts by 9 and having a mother too out of touch to support me and help me to dress properly. I was simultaneously leered at and ridiculed by everyone — family, adult friends of my parents, peers.

I was ashamed, and despite many great things about myself, the only thing that mattered was my appearance.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that things changed. Actually, it was when I was giving birth. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling like my body and my accomplishments were working in harmony, not one despite the other.

I can’t say that feeling has lasted. I alternate between comfortable confidence, detached apathy and gut-wrenching frustration. I still binge-eat. I still am measured by my appearance when around my own family (maybe that’s not the only measure, but it is always a topic of discussion and it stings as much as it always did). I still reject my husband’s very generous and genuine adoration, thinking not that he’s being insincere, but that his standards are too low.

But today I thought I’d be brave. I’m not Cheetara (I tried to be a few years ago when I joined an online community of folks trying to fix their lives through diet and exercise). I am, however, a very kind and open woman who sees beauty in all bodies but my own. So here I am.

Age: 32
Pregnancies: 4 (one terminated, two births (ages 7.5 and 3.5), one miscarriage at 8 weeks)
Time spent breastfeeding: 4 months with oldest child, 7 months with youngest — breast size (happily) shrunk after

New Found Respect for My Body (Proudmama)

Age: 31
Number of pregnancies and birth: 1
Age of my child: 10 months old
Cesarean birth

Almost 10 months ago I finally realized my biggest dream: to be a mom. Most kids grow up wanting to be rock stars or doctors, I wanted to be a mother. From the moment I met my husband I knew he was going to be the father of my children. It took us 8 years to conceive a child (because of circumstances, not fertility issues) but our daughter was well worth the wait.

Before getting pregnant, I never gave much thought as to how pregnancy would affect my body. I’d gain a bit of weight in my mid-twenties but at just over 5’3 I weighted around 125-130, my stomach was flat and I was overall satisfied with my body. I’ve never been one to work out much so I can’t say that my body was in its best shaped but it looked good to me. Now looking back, I wished I’d worked out and had gotten stronger abs before I got pregnant…But I can’t go back.

My pregnancy was a dream; no nausea or heartburn or any real discomfort except for general aches and insomnia. I however grew an incredibly huge belly. People asked all the time how many babies I was carrying. I didn’t gain that much weight (25-30 pounds) but I was carrying it all in front of me. I also didn’t develop any big stretch marks (just a few on my breast and thighs) so people kept telling me how lucky I was, but I just knew that I would be left with extra skin just looking at that big beautiful belly.

I was pregnant for almost 42 weeks, my little one just didn’t want to come out. They finally did an emergency c-section and my big beautiful baby girl came out weighing 9.2 lbs and measuring 22 inches. I could not believe how long and adorably chubby she was. Today you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at her but I guess I needed a giant belly to accommodate such a big baby.

The day after I got home, my c-section wound opened up and I lost quite a bit of blood. For almost two months I had a nurse come by my home to take care of my wound and it took another few weeks after that to heal properly. Needless to say it took me a while before I could do any kind of real exercising. Just walking up the stairs was enough to open up the wound at first. After the wound healed, the state of my belly left me in shock. I expected a lot of things but I didn’t expect that much extra skin and that huge roll of fat on top of my scar my scar. Plus I had a pretty bad case of diastasis recti (abdominal muscles separation) that did nothing to make me feel better. Losing the weight was easy since I hadn’t really gained anywhere else but the tummy area, but I looked nothing like my former self. It was disconcerting to actually weight less than before but look fatter.

I had a really easy baby from the start so that helped a lot. She’s always been such a happy and smiley baby and of course I knew that I’d do it all over again, but it was still hard to see my deformed belly. I felt like I lived a double life, underneath clothing (and sturdy underwear) I could easily hid my belly and pretend all was well but I was always very self-conscious and had a really hard time finding clothes that fit properly around my mid-section.

It took me months to accept that my body was never to going to go back to its former shape and I now allow myself to wear whatever I want and I don’t feel the need to hide under bulky clothes. I have a healthy lifestyle, I still don’t like the gym but I make it a point to be active everyday and I eat well. My daughter and my husband are my whole world and they make me feel beautiful everyday. I now can look at my body and be proud of it, especially when I look at pictures and realized just how huge my belly was during my pregnancy and how it looked in the first few months after.

I do want more children and I know my body will keep changing. But I truly feel like being a mom is my calling in life and if it means having a less than perfect body, then that’s fine with me. I hope my story helps you accept your beautiful mother’s body, I know all of your stories definitely helped me through some rough times.

Peace

-First picture is at 7.5 months pregnant.
-Second and third are now, 10 months postpartum.
-Last but not least, the beautiful smile that makes it all worth it. :)

Updated here, here, and here

Learning to Love it Again (Anonymous)

I used to love me body, I loved it pre-pregnancy and throughout the entire nine months I was pregnant I felt beautiful. I have never felt more sexy than I did while I was pregnant. (Blame it on the hormones, I guess) Because I was only in my mid-twenties when I delivered (via c-section) I thought I would get my pre-baby body back fairly quickly. I tried everything I possibly could in terms of diet and exercise, but my post-baby body remains a size 12 and 30 pounds heavier even though my daughter is a year and a half old now. (I used to be a size 6. For me going into double digit clothing sizes postpartum was the absolute hardest thing. I cried many times over those numbers!)

My right breast is almost a full cup size larger than the left now and they are so large and saggy that I think my whole extra 30 pounds might just be in my chest! (To me this is not a good thing) They also have stretch marks and my nipples are HUGE now. Before I got pregnant my breasts and stomach were my favorite features about my body, now they are the ones I am most self-conscious about.

I am hoping that by posting this I will be able to see my body the way that my husband sees it, as the beautiful vessel that carried our daughter and is still as sexy as it ever was, stretch marks, extra skin in the middle, c-section scar, un-even breasts and all.

Age: 26
Pregnancies and Births: 1
16 months post-partum

My Self-Esteem is Shattered (Ann)

Age: 26
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth
4 weeks postpartum (post partum pictures taken at 2 weeks)

I have always been a thin girl without trying, my weight was a complete non-issue and I have always been very confident. When I found out I was pregnant I wasn’t worried about gaining weight, I thought it would be fun to be round and jolly for a while. I thought “chubby” pregnant women were really cute and I looked forward to being one. However, everyone else in my life seemed to have other ideas. I started gaining weight extremely fast, probably about 20 pounds in the first trimester alone. My husband remarked “Sooo, that’s all the weight you will gain and everything else will just go to your belly, right?” He said he felt bad for coworkers whose wives got really big during/after pregnancy. That was the first clue that people would be more concerned with my weight than I was.

My ‘friends’ and some family seemed delighted that the lifelong thin girl was now getting fat and made lots of fat jokes and dropped things like “Oh I thought you would be a skinny pregnant chick” and “Wow, I weigh less than you for the first time, can I have your old clothes?” People started calling me “Big Mama” and “Kool Aid Man” when I wore red. Midway through my pregnancy my husband said “My friend’s wife only got a big belly, when she turns around you can’t even tell she is pregnant. I’ve seen lots of women like that, how do THEY do it?” Obviously implying that THOSE women can stay slim while pregnant so why can’t you? It was endless comments from everyone in my life. I finally brought up to my husband how much it hurt when he said things like that and he was horrified that it cut me so deeply but the damage was done, for the rest of my pregnancy no matter how many times he told me I was the most beautiful pregnant woman he had ever seen I knew he was secretly thinking about how fat I was getting.

At 15 weeks I had a subchorionic hemmorhage after running to catch a train and my doctor recommended taking it easy, so I was scared to be too active lest it trigger more bleeding and a miscarriage. Then we moved from the city to the suburbs so instead of walking everywhere I was driving and sitting around a whole lot more so that obviously didn’t help me out physically. I’m 5’10” and I don’t know what I weighed pre-pregnancy (like I said, I never cared about weight before so I hadn’t been on a scale in about 5 years) but I think it was somewhere around 145, which looks a bit too thin in pictures so I don’t mind if I don’t get that small again. I ended at 215 so I reckon I gained 60 or 70 pounds. I wasn’t retaining any water and had no swelling at all so that was all a tiny baby and lots of fat. On the plus side, I only got a few stretchmarks on my hip/love handle area very early on until I started using pure coconut oil religiously and after that I never got another single stretchmark.

My 6lb 7oz baby was born (triggering comments like “I can’t believe the baby was so small, you were HUUUUUGE!) and I didn’t immediately drop the 20 or 30 pounds that everyone says they lose in the beginning. I only lost about 12 pounds (probably solely the baby/placenta weight) the first week and in the 4 weeks since, haven’t lost another single pound despite eating ~1800 calories a day, walking and breastfeeding. Family keeps asking what I plan to do to get my figure back because in my family appearance and weight is really important. I feel so ugly and trapped in my own body. I avoid being photographed. I don’t feel like myself and even worse is the guilt over how silly and vain I must be to worry about this. I should be grateful that I have a beautiful, healthy baby, not obsessing over fitting into a normal size pair of pants and hoping that my husband doesn’t find me repulsive.

Was everyone on a mission to destroy my confidence and give me a body image complex? If so, congratulations, my self-esteem is shattered!

The pictures are from pre-pregnancy, 38 weeks pregnant and 2 weeks post-partum.

Updated here.

I Hate Myself, My Body (Anonymous)

Age:22
Number of pregnancies:1
It has been a year now..since I had my little one…he is so cute and I love him to death :)..but behind this smile is an unhappy person…I’m so unhappy with my body…I never weigh myself because I’m scared of what I will see…I work out..eat right..but it just won’t help..I have very low self esteem.its ruining my relation ship its all I talk about I’m so obsessed with my body..my hubby always tells me I’m sexy..but I don’t see what he sees ;( I want to enjoy life..enjoy my family before I loose them…