Submissions

Why can’t I see myself through his eyes? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 11 Comments

age:17
number of pregnancies and births: 1
postpartum: 5 months

I honestly have no idea where to even begin this post. I was always the “skinny girl” growing up. I got alot comments on my weight, and they were not always postitive ones, but I loved my body and who I was. I started dating my boyfriend when I was 15 years old. We found out I was pregnant when I was 16 and he was 19. Right from the get go I knew I loved my baby. All through out my pregnancy I always got the comment “oh you are going to bounce right back to your old body!”, I have now come to hate that saying. I was 93 pounds when I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth I was at 156. I had never been over 100 pounds in my LIFE until I got pregnant. I loved my body through out my pregnancy and loved being pregnant. I felt like a woman and loved all my curves and even liked the stretch marks. They were the proof of a beautiful healthy baby growing inside my belly. As soon as I met my daughter it was love at first sight. I was so amazed at how beautiful she was. Then as a few months went by, I realized my body was not at all what I wanted it to be. Im ashamed when I look in the mirror. My boyfriend tells me Im beautiful and he loves my body more now then he did before. He tells me he loves everysingle mark pregnancy has caused, because without them he wouldnt have his daughter. I don’t feel sexy and hate every part of my body. I get so irritated at him and can’t see what he sees. Is he blind? I dont understand how anyone can look at my body and think it is not disgusting. My daughter is my world and I would not trade her for anything, I just cannot seem to come to terms with myself. And to be honest, I feel selfish when I say I hate my body. My body brought my daughter into this world and I just wish I could love it as much as I love her.

pic1: 2months before i got pregnant
pic 2: 8 months pregnant with my boyfriend at baby shower
pic 3 and 4: 5 months pp
pic 5 and 6: my beautiful baby girl

Updated here and here.

10 Years Isn’t Always Enough (Christine-Y)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Submissions, Suicide or suicidal thoughts 13 Comments

age – 24
2 pregnancies, 2 births
4 1/2 years, and 2 years.

Well, I guess it starts with middle school. My ex-stepfather was an older man who was very manipulative. He mental abused my mom, and treated my brother & I worse. My mom would work 2 jobs, & he would gamble her money at the race track. She even caught him there cheating on her once but she took him back. I promised myself that I would never let any guy treat me like that. He started lying to my mom, telling her how we lazy we had been, while he worked scrubbing the house on his hands and knees. The first time I stood up for myself, he didn’t say anything. My mom left for work the next morning a little after 5 am, he pulled me out of bed by my hair, and told me if I ever tried to discredit him again, I wouldn’t have a mom to “tattle” to anymore.

A few months later I started high school, (my brother & mom would get home 2-3 hours after me) he started molesting me. He would corner me in the kitchen, & one day he tried to take my shirt off, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I told my friend about it, & she said if I didn’t tell an adult, she would. I told my school counselor. The policeman that showed up at home just “happened” to be my step-dad’s nephew. He told my mom I was looking for attention, that I was lying, and that once I was over the death of my step-dad’s dad, I would stop lying and behave better. I kept my mouth shut for 2 years after that – he should me the gun he would put to her head if I said anything again. My counselor didn’t follow up even one time.

I stopped caring about my grades & began to plan my suicide. The night I had hand-picked, I couldn’t find the bullets. 1 week later, my little brother did, and for a few months, he didn’t try to touch me. When my Mom started to wake back up, he started to say I needed new clothes, everything was too baggy. I was a size 5-7, 112 pounds, 5 feet 8 inches but wore a black hoodie year-round (in California) & size 9 jeans to hide myself. He picked up where he left off, & one day told me he wanted to hear me scream, because no one would believe a filthy little liar like me. I was talking to a grief counselor at school, when I mentioned the abuse was still happening. By that evening, my mom had him escorted out of her house, & was in contact with a divorce lawyer. I got to move back home in time to graduate, & started going steady with the man I am married to today.

I can’t imagine life without him here. I still have panic attacks, and I wake up crying, screaming, or just plain scared. There are days where I can’t be touched, and a cupboard door slamming still gives me flashbacks.
We got married a year after high school ( I was 18), 3,000 miles away from my family, and had our first son shortly after I turned 19. I started out at 125 (the most I had EVER weighed) and ended up at 180 by the time he was born, stretchmarks from my breasts to my calves). I was miserable, my hip ( I had a bone graft @ 12) was hurting constantly, & my back (which I hurt while hand-digging a pool, not to mention hand-mixing the cement at 13) never stopped. I hated myself after JJ was born because I couldn’t get him to latch, & had to stop before he was 5 weeks old. I went from a 32B to a 38 DD trying to nurse him. I was so depressed over it, I stopped letting my husband look at me because I felt like a horrible, hideous failure. After 1 1/2 years, I still couldn’t loose the weight ( I was 160 pounds), but we wanted 1 more. With Daniel, I was sick from day one. I lost 32 pounds the first 6 months, & was medicated to help with the nausea. My boss told me it was my fault I got knocked up, so deal with it. My sciatic nerve kept me in constant pain from the end of my 2nd trimester on. I ended up at 162 pounds. When Daniel was born, I tried again to nurse, & even got compliments from WIC on how well I handled the techniques, but he wouldn’t latch either (inverted nipples). I cried for weeks afterword, because he wouldn’t nurse, but I couldn’t pump like I needed either. I was working 60+hours a week (6 days) with 25+ hours of commuting. I would cringe when he would put his arm around me at night, because he would touch my fat tummy. Daniel is 2 years old now, and I am (slightly) more comfortable. I still weigh 156, and I know what it is going to take for a healthy 3rd pregnancy (we are trying & hoping for a girl), and I know there will be pain ahead, but I know that my babies love me, I love them, & as often as my Husband sings “One Hot Mama” to me, he must mean it.

It’s been a long 10 years since my troubles started, but the next 10 will be better. I have a man that calls me beautiful everyday, and two boys that love their mommy. The only way it gets better than this is a house with 2 toilets…;)

Picture 1, 3 – me, 12/09/2010
Picture 2 – my Handsome Boys

6 Weeks Postppartum, 6 Kids Later (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

Age 24 years old
Number of pregnancies: 6

I’m 6 weeks postpartum and this is how my body look like 6 kids later prepregnancy weight was 147 now I’m 171 pounds I’m very slowly losing the weight and I’m hoping i can go back to use my prepregnancy jeans and feel better about my body, my belly hangs and i have stretch marks and cellulite everywhere but i have 6 kids i guess all i can do now if work out and see how my body looks in a couple of months. I don’t want or expect to look like a model but i will more happy if i can lose all this weight of me and would love to tone up my body some more. thanks for looking.

First picture its my 6 weeks old baby boy
second and third pic its my body 6 weeks postpartum

5 Weeks Postpartum and I No Longer Believe in Genetic Destiny (Kat)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies/births: 2 pregnancies/1 birth
Age of baby/how far postpartum: 5 weeks

I was born short and fat, and stayed that way for my entire childhood and teen years. I started middle school at 4’10” and 160lbs. Both of my parents, as well as most of my family in general, are overweight, my mother having hypothyroidism. Weight was always a sensitive issue for me. Growing up seeing my mother complain about she looked and how much she weighed, it made it hard for me. And then when I started middle school it went further downhill, as I was the awkward fat girl that was pushed around and teased for her weight.

By my sophomore year of high school, I had developed anorexia in a desperate attempt to be accepted by my peers. I managed to get down to 125 pounds at 5’2″ but I still felt fat, and being a size 6/8 was too big in my opinion. When I would confide in my family or my doctors about my weight issues, they all stated that I was genetically predisposed to be fat, and that it was going to get worse if I ever had a baby. But even with all of my fears and anxieties over how I looked, I still wanted to be a mother more than anything else in my life.

My views on sexuality were very warped due to being molested by my father as a child and preteen, and being raped by a close friend when I was just barely 13. But I grew up believing that even if someone tries to take your virginity from you physically, it is not gone until you agree to give it away. This is where my first experience with my now husband came in.

We had first met as teenagers, I was 15 and he was 16. We were at his place of work, he was a referee for paintball(I went quite often with the guys I knew from being in band). We ended up being friends for a while, and then being the teenagers we were, our friendship led to sex. Unfortunately, we lost contact shortly after due to my getting a new phone and us going to different schools. But we were reconnected later when I moved out of my parents house and he came with a mutual friend to help me move my larger boxes and furniture. We ended up moving in together about a month after I had fully moved into the apartment myself. We were married shortly after this, and about 6 months after we got married I got pregnant with our little boy.

My pregnancy was an eventful one to say the least. I ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks due to severe bleeding caused by a horrible flair of my ulcerative colitis(which is like crohn’s but only in the colon and lower intestines). I was so scared I was going to lose the baby because of how much blood I had lost. But little guy was still healthy as ever, and my body seemed to give him what he needed before me, so while I suffered my baby was still safe. I ended up losing 15 pounds in the hospital even though I was eating 6 times a day, and the nurses panicked over this, but I was still able to walk so my doctors said not to worry.

But by the end of the pregnancy I had gone from 135 pounds to 180, and I gave birth by scheduled c-section to my 6lb 9oz son, Demetri at 39 weeks. Due to the infusions I have to have for my colitis, I am not able to breast feed, so I lost that experience, but have had no problems at all bonding with my baby and he is now 88% in height and 55% in weight, the exact opposite of me when I was his age.

I weighed 168 Pounds leaving the hospital on the 4th day. I was riddled with stretchmarks and figured, since I had a c-section, I was doomed to have a belly apron of extra skin for the rest of my life, and that I was going to stay as large as I was that day forever as well, taking after the rest of the women in my family. My doctors wrapped me in a compression belly band right after I was stitched up after the surgery, and having heard wonderful success stories about them I decided to wear it all the time until I was were I wanted to be with my postpartum body. So far the stretchmarks are less than half of what they were the day I gave birth, and the belly flap is nowhere to be seen. I give all of the credit for this to the belly band. I am currently down to 145 pounds at 5 weeks pp, have been able to fit my pre-prego jeans since week 3 with them fully buttoned and zipped, and I have been given the ok since week 4 to do light to moderate exercise when I feel good enough for it(which is at least every other day).

I have been doing flirty girl fitness(the dance aerobics ones) and belly dancing for almost 2 weeks now, and the results from it are mind blowing to me. I grew up with such a huge fear of being like everyone else in my family after giving birth, and now I have my little miracle and my body is getting into better shape than it has ever been before. I feel like the universe has granted the three biggest wishes I ever had, to be a mommy, to have a wonderful husband(who is very much a partner in life as well as a companion), and to have the body that I want instead of the body everyone else said I would have. I am currently finishing up in college and am looking to work as a dancer(no, not a stripper) to help bring in some money as I finish up my degree in education and psychology. I would like to be either become a marriage counselor or a sex therapist, as I have a deep rooted connection to the issues that come with a bad/troubled relationship(my parents) and the damage caused by sexual trauma and confusion due to the past. I feel like I have been given what I wanted and need, so I want to do the same for those who haven’t yet.

Pictures:
first 3 are my progression pictures so far, 4th one is my gorgeous little boy, and the 5th one is Demetri and his wonderful daddy :)

Updated here.

Sady

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

AGE:25
1 CHILD, 1 BIRTH, 14 MONTHS

when i first became pregnant the first thing i worried about was the fetus, as the pregnancy went on i worried about the high dose of vitamin A i was taking, then I worried about the low dose of folic acid i was consuming, then i worried about my small “bump”, then i worried about too much movement, not enough movement, fetal alcohol syndrom, if somehow i could give birth to an african american child and have no explanation since the father is Jewish, then i worried about dehydration, then i worried about losing amniotic fluid, THEN i wondered, “HOLY CRAP, what if my body never regains shape, and my vagina is forever a huge black hole, and my uterus falls out of my vagina after birth”. this is when i stumbled across this magnificent website. i saw bodies changed, i saw bodies unchanged, but what i’ve seen most of is how this whole process turn one woman into SUPER WOMAN, this is why i stay less focused on the actual shape i’m in and more focused on how much in shape i actually am, 20lbs over weight or 20lbs underweight, damn i am in shape, my mind has endured over a year of sleep deprivation, my breasts have been bitten and pulled like a chew toy, my sexual drive has gone from wow till null, till wow till null. and after all this i have more respect for mothers than ever imagined. and the shape im in is fantastic, its that of a mother. im sharing pictures, but tis less besides the point to me as ive stated. and when time are rough and your down on yourself just remember to give yourself time to heal, it take a full 18 months to fully recover form a pregnancy, honestly, breastfeed if you have the choice and enjoy your new family

The Evolution of a Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 17 Comments

~Age: 26
~Weight & Height: 5’2″-ish and 120-ish pounds (I hover)
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

Previous submissions:
5 months postpartum, 1 year postpartum, 2 years postpartum

I thought it was important to update my story for a number of reasons. For one, I’m no longer breastfeeding my daughter – I nursed her 2 1/2 years, so my breasts are quite different than in my previous submissions. Also, I found all of my previous posts, so I can link them all together. I think it’s important for them to be linked because, even at a year postpartum, I wasn’t the weight or size I am today. Our bodies keep changing. When I see ladies on this site in despair over their 8-week-postpartum bodies, I just wish I could give them that crystal ball and show them that it’s not static – not at all. Our bodies continue to change, morph, grow and shrink. You bet that I’m proud of my body! Of course there are things that keep me out of bikinis – my bottom for instance – but, I love what it’s done for me – and to me. I feel blessed to have a little one call me mom. I feel blessed that I was able to nurse my daughter. I feel blessed that we’re thinking about growing our family and I’m excited about all of the good things that lie ahead.

Updated here.

So Many Scars (Audrey)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean) 6 Comments

I’m finally healing on the inside as well as out. I am 18.5 months postpartum. My daughter Shannon was born via cesarean after 46 hours of labor and it was quite the blow for me. She also had an unknown birth defect (omphalocele) that required surgery the day after her birth. I didn’t hold my daughter until two days after she was born.

My journey to motherhood has been painful and my ability to bond with my daughter was severely crippled due to the trauma of the c/s and the following surgery and NICU stay. I finally feel I am beginning to heal from that. Part of it is forgiving my body and learning to accept the physical changes. I recently lost 20 pounds and am finally beginning to accept myself as I am. As I look at these pictures, I see so many scars that each have a story. I myself had surgery as a baby and I still have the scars from that and the feeding tube. It’s an additional link of commonality with my daughter. The stretch marks and especially the c/s scar are barely noticeable these days.

Ignore the bruise – I have taken up hoop dancing as part of my journey to accept myself.

My daughter is the sweetest little girl I could ever imagine. I am so blessed to have her and I treasure every moment. Although I would change the experience of her birth if I could, it IS still worth it. I can finally say that.

The first five pictures are me currently. The 6th is my daughter and the 7th is my belly at 35 weeks.

The Guilt of Hating a Body That Birthed an Angel (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 14 Comments

It has only been three and a half weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I should be applauding myself and my body for being able to create such a perfect angel, and yet I am not. Instead I find myself hating the mirror because the mirror shows what I look like now. Huge and covered in stretch marks. Three years ago I weighed 100lbs and even back then the voice in my head said I was fat. Now I find myself three weeks post pregnancy sitting at 160lbs; can you imagine what that voice is saying now?

It is hard being a mother. A lot harder than I imagined. I have bigger things to worry about other than how huge my belly and ass are, but yet those thoughts take hold every time I look down or look in the mirror. I try to tell myself “it took nine months to get this way, give yourself eighteen months to get back from here” but it doesn’t work. I feel like I have lost all my hotness and all of my youth. I dread the idea of having anyone see me naked ever again. I hope this feeling doesn’t last.

I am told by fellow moms that “this too shall pass”, that this body will not sag forever. The stretch marks will fade and one day my skin will regain its elasticity. I hope this is not a lie. I hope these friends are being honest because, right now, I can’t imagine loving this new body. I always thought I would be the kind of woman who ‘bounced back” from pregnancy. Some silly idea planted in my head by TV and the movies. How come those women never stay fat? Where is their extra weight? Why can’t we all live in that fantasy land?

Reality isn’t as pleasant.

I feel like admitting this makes me sound ungrateful and like a “bad mother”. I really love my daughter and feel blessed that I had the ability to create her. I just hate that I had to give up something so important to me in order to do it. I guess that makes me selfish. I guess I am not “seeing the big picture”. This is reality. I can love my daughter but I do not have to love what happened to my body to make her. So why the guilt? Why do I feel guilty every time I think of how horrible I look?
And why do I think this is a horrible way to look?

I wish I could be one of those moms who adore her stretch marks and sagging belly. The ones who claim “it is their badge”… of what? Honour? Strength? The ability to make a baby is great but I don’t need my body to remind me that I did it, that is what my child is for.

Time heals all wounds. I hope time also heals all post pregnancy bodies.

I am 28 and this is my first and hopefully last pregnancy.

The photos are my belly before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and three weeks post pregnancy.

Updated here.

16 Weeks Later (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 26 Comments

age: 19
1 child

this is my first entry. its been 16 weeks since i gave birth and my body hasnt gone back the way i thought it would. my baby was 8lbs and 6 ounces. during my pregnancy i gained about 50 lbs and have almost lost it all but my body is just different now. even though ive lost almost all the weight im just different shaped, have extra skin, and sag in places i dont think a 19 year old should sag in. i didnt think my body would change this much with just one pregnancy, maybe with like 3 but not just one. during my pregnancy my boobs changed ALOT. they grew like crazy and the color of my nipples got really dark. everyone i talked to said the color goes back. mine didnt. they look awful and now my boobs are gross and saggy as well. i tried to breast feed but i just couldnt keep up with my baby. i have stretch marks all over my tummy and love handles and a bunch of gross extra skin on my stomach now too.i LOOVE my baby but its really hard seeing other girls my age with perfect bodies and knowing that mine is ruined for the rest of my life.

122710-anon-1

Will it ever get better? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 13 Comments

My biggest body-related fear once I became pregnant was stretch marks. I oiled and lotioned my belly as often as I could. I was hopeful that I’d escape stretch marks altogether because my mother never got one throughout her six pregnancies. And I almost made it. Around 37 weeks they started to appear. A few purplish-red marks below my belly button. I slathered on the vitamin e oil, as if it wasn’t too late. My husband came home that day and I told him “I think I’m getting stretch marks” and burst into tears. Why did I care so much?

Then it got worse. The marks spread upward and outward until my belly was covered. And I got smaller ones on the sides of my stomach/waist as well. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do to stop them, and my belly was still growing. I started Googling tips and tricks until I couldn’t stand to look at the computer screen for another second.

Up until that point I had loved my pregnant belly. It was nice and round and beautiful. Now I wouldn’t even let my husband see it, let alone look at it myself.

My beautiful baby boy was born a few weeks later and I couldn’t bear to look at my stomach in the mirror in the days that followed. When I finally did get a glimpse, the stretch marks had become all loose and saggy, and seemed to cover even more of me now that my stomach had shrunken down.

It makes me so mad. Mad that there was nothing I could do to stop it. Mad that so many women seem to get through pregnancy without getting any. Most of all, mad that I cared so much about what I looked like. After all, I had a beautiful, healthy baby – something I had always, always wanted – so what should I have to complain about?

Don’t get me wrong. He is absolutely worth it. I don’t even really associate my baby with my new body. He is this perfect, wonderful gift that has made my life better in every way. I just feel like my body has somehow failed me.

Almost 3 months later, and it’s not any better. My stomach is still covered in dark stretch marks. And it doesn’t stop there. My breasts – which I used to love – are now big and saggy, and my stomach is loose and jiggly. Despite the fact that by my 6-week post-partum checkup I was back to my pre-pregnacy weight, my body is nowhere near what it used to be. My clothes all look weird and unflattering. I had thought that losing the weight would be the hard part. No, the hard part is realizing that my body, regardless of how much weight I lose, will never, ever be the same. And I just don’t know if I’ll ever be happy with it again. I can’t even fathom ever putting on the bikini I wore on my honeymoon just over a year ago.

My husband still tells me that I’m beautiful and sexy, and I love him for it, but I simply can’t believe him. I don’t think he’s even seen me naked since I gave birth – if he has, it was by accident. It’s hard to want to be intimate with him when I’m so unhappy with how I look. Not just unhappy, but actually embarrassed. I’m embarrassed about my body.

I guess what really bothers me is that I feel like I can’t do anything to fix it. I’m 26 and I feel like my body is ruined forever. And what about my next pregnancy – will it get even worse? That scares me too.

Until then I continue to do sit-ups, watch what I eat, and buy all those expensive stretch mark creams. Still waiting for it to somehow get better…

Photos:
#1 – pre-pregnancy
#2 – 40 weeks pregnant
#3&4 – just under 3 months post-partum

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months