Submissions

There is hope to loving your postpartum body. (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

My name is Amanda. I’m 24 years old, married for 5 years, and a mother of a beautiful 2 year old little boy. I have been very self conscious since probably the first 4 months during pregnancy. I gained a tremendous amount of weight. I am 5’4 – 5’5.and went from 135 to 193! I may have weighed more than that by the time I delivered though. After I had my son, I was severely depressed and hated my body. I didn’t want to leave my house, or be seen by anyone. I had stretch marks, huge thighs, big butt, you name it, I had it all. My weight did not just “fall off”.People were always commenting on my weight and it made me even more depressed, although I’m sure they didnt realize that they were truly hurting my feelings. I forgave them, but I used their words as my motivation. It was time to get serious!! So about 4 or 5 months ago, I started dieting and exercising. Zumba videos online daily, crunches, side bends, squats etc. and here I am now..2 years later.. Im feeling ALOT better.. I am now down to 131 pounds(a little less than pre-pregnancy) YAY :) My hips are bigger, and my body has changed quite a bit from pre-pregnancy, and Im much curvier.BUT I am learning to LOVE my new body everyday :)

1st pic- me, front view, 2 years postpartum
2nd pic- side view, 2 years postpartum
3rd pic- me 2 weeks, post partum. Had only lost about 10 pounds at this point.
4th pic- me pre-pregnancy, with clothes
5ht pic- me, 2 years post-partum, with clothes

The Road Map of California (Miss Jones)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

I got pregnant young; I guess not as young as some mothers I know, but 18 is still a child in my mind. I was ready though. I had been forced to grow up quickly because of home-life circumstances. When I got pregnant I was a nice 120 pounds. I had a nice taught and tanned body. My breasts were perfect perky size C orbs. I am only 5’3″, so I am by no means a big girl. I have never thought of myself as petite, but I have been told by many people that I am. So there you go.

I gave birth to my son in October of 2004. I was then 19 years old. Who knew I would grow such a large child! My son stretched me beyond capacity. I applied vitamin E directly. It was sticky oil I applied all over my body three times per day. Palmer’s pregnancy butter was a favorite as well. I thought I was doing it right. I knew I would be one of those women that bounce back; you know with no signs of a child on my body. I knew I would breastfeed. There was no other option; that is what your breasts are for. When I was about six months pregnant, I couldn’t see my feet, or the underside of my belly obviously, and my aunt burst my bubble by notifying me I had several large red stretch marks creeping and crawling up my protruding belly. I was devastated. I put on even more products daily to help to avoid them becoming any worse. No use. My son was very large. I was not able to birth him because he was stuck in my pelvis. I am small, he is large; go figure. I had to undergo a cesarean birth after eleven hours of labor. I was so upset. The recovery process alone was almost enough to make me want to avoid another pregnancy, EVER. He was born at 9 pounds 4 ounces and was 22 inches. My breasts grew from the small C to a DD almost larger. I produced more milk than my son even needed. I then wore not a size five jeans but a size ten. That was a little disheartening. My belly was nothing but a stretched out balloon of hanging skin. I finally began referring to it as the road map of California; I mean with all the stretch marks crossing and meandering in and out with each other all over my abdomen, it resembled the complex road systems of a large state like California. My husband at the time still found me attractive and beautiful, but I did not. When my son weaned at ten months I gained even more weight because I continued to eat as though I was breastfeeding. I finally peaked at a size 14 and knew, for my own peace of mind, I needed to lose some weight. God bless South Beach!

My marriage failed. When my son was two I found myself a single mother. I met my second husband when my son was three. He loved my body. I thought he was crazy. I had completely saggy and deflated breasts. While I was back to a size 5, my belly never saw the light of day again. It was an embarrassing representation of what my son had done to my body. I had also discovered I had stretch marks in my vaginal area and on my pubis. How nice and attractive. Even though my body was a beaten and battered leftover of my teenage self, my husband praised it telling me I was a woman. I started to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I became pregnant when I was 24 with my second child; a girl this time. I was so happy. Even though I had thought I would never go through that process of pregnancy again, my husband had made me feel confident and comfortable with the idea. My doctor assured me the baby would be large again. I dreaded the C-section. My husband was actually upset because of the scheduled C-section. He has previous children, and none of them were born this way. He couldn’t understand. Needless to say, I felt less than adequate because of this. In any case, regardless, I was pregnant and would deliver with or without a scar. My doctor encouraged and even recommended a VBAC. So, of course my husband was excited. I was too, because I wanted the chance to birth a child naturally. Because this baby was a girl she was not as big; but still large anyhow. I gave birth to her vaginally in September of 2010. The circumstances surrounding her birth were very trying and miserable. I found out my husband was having an affair the day before I delivered. To make it even worse, the woman, he was in love with, was pregnant by about 15 weeks. It was extremely emotionally draining. Even though the situation was terrible, I welcomed my daughter at 8 pounds 15 ounces and 21 1/2 inches. She was beautiful. No extra stretch marks; my son had paved the way. She tore me though and so my vagina had to be “reconstructed for cosmetic purposes, mostly.” Because of the stress of my marriage, and breastfeeding to boot, I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight in a matter of about 10 days. My breasts were not as large; only a D cup from the C; I produced just enough milk.
My husband and I attempted to reconcile on more than one occasion. From the time of my daughter’s birth until now, we have tried at least six times. We even discussed and attempted to get pregnant a couple of times with no success. I always felt it was probably for the best. However, during a weak moment while visiting him, I became pregnant for the third time.

Currently, I am 29 weeks with another daughter by my husband. This will make my two girls only 20 months apart. I was roughly a size 5/6 and at 130 pounds when this pregnancy surprised me. My breasts are again filling with milk and only one cup size bigger. I will welcome her in July of this year.

I have learned to love my body through the processes of pregnancy and postpartum. I am a woman. Regardless the number of women I know who have had multiple pregnancies and have no stretch marks, I do, and I cannot change it. My road map adds character. I can look at my leather-like belly and smile knowing I produced three beautiful children. Now that I am again a single mother with my third miracle on the way, I can appreciate the fact that I was able to grow and protect such a perfect being inside my body; my breasts, those deflated leftovers of a time passed, nourished them and gave them the gifts God intended. While I will ensure I am back at a healthy weight after the birth of this daughter, I will not kill myself attempting to look modelesque. I am perfect in my own skin. I am a woman and I am a mother. There is nothing better than knowing I am able to work my body the way God intended. Here is to the woman; the vessel of one of life’s most amazing blessings and miracles. Embrace your body and love yourself. If you cannot, who can?

Pregnancies shouldn’t be this difficult. (Shelby)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Are you ready for this?

Okay, so I was a Virgin until I met the father of my children, I was 18, he was 21.. We wore condoms religiously until it broke one time and after i didnt get pregnant we really didnt worry. So, a year goes by and we just thought maybe one of us was reproductively broken in a way of words. BOY WERE WE WRONG! I got pregnant with our son, whose now 20 months old close to our 2 year anniversary, it seems nice except, the father wanted to just be wasted and not be there for me thru my pregnancy. I lost 19lbs the first trimester from the horrible constant all hours of the day vomiting. He never really was connected with me like I wanted him to be. I can count on one hand how many times he whillingly touched my stomach to feel our son kick and it tore me apart inside. 2 months after I had our son my boyfriend was apparently talking to other women bc I ended up having an episotomy from hell, cut all the way to the side of my poor butt hole, couldnt sit for a month and i was mad b/c I put my body thru hell, I feel like I ruined myself for a man who just wanted to use me for his own pleasure and giving him children and not bothering about how i felt about it all. I was 19 when i got pregnant and 20 when I had our son. Well once we could have sex again things seemed to change as horrible as it sounds, but we ended up breaking up after he tried to mount a supposeable friend on new years.. I gained 40 lbs after i left him and moved back to my home town, well I missed the bastard and we got back together after me taking care of our son by myself for over 6 months.. when my son was 10 months old we conceived our daughter again dispite my constant urges to wear condoms, he would literally rip them off while we were having sex. So i was very depressed when I conceived my dauther, then we found out she had a dialated ventricle in her brain, it was HELL going to the specialist 2 hours from home, and on top of everything he left me when i was pregnant b/c he is a meth addict.. he came around me and my son when he was on it, he hung out with this girl i used to be friends with and she taught him how to shoot up, I caught her in our bed, him in the kitchen going to get a spoon to OD himself, If i hadnt have walked in the house to catch them b/c he wasnt answering his phone after our son was hurt, he wouldnt me here. well none the less i called the cops on him. he went to jail sobered up got bailed out, moved in with his mom. relapsed when he moved back and i was the one AGAIN to find the needles in the garbage, I went thru going to the specialist on my own, living out of boxes sleeping on a couch with my son at my mothers house, being used by the man I devoted my entire life and body to, worrying what possible std i couldve contracted weither it be hepatitis or herpes b/c of the girl we has shooting up with is the town WHORE… I wanted to literally die, to not give birth to my daughter b/c she didnt deserve to live in a world like this.. well I struggled and struggled and didnt eat for days at an end b/c of everything that was going on.

thankfully I made it thru everything, had my daughter, tore slightly, my vagina is not the same, my stretch marks from my first pregnancy only grew a little on the top, but now my skin sags im terrified to lose weight b/c i dont want to sag further. The father of my children came clean with everything he was doing, deleted all the druggies out of his life, removed all the paraphenalia from the house, is waiting to be charged with a possible felony, was there for hte birth of our daughter, IM BEYOND HAPPY HE WORE CONDOMS WHEN HE SLEPT WITH OTHER WOMEN and didnt give me anything. im struggling with my body image and the constant horror of everything thath append, the feeling of betrayl, NO PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE I DID.. There is sooo much more to my story, I deal with overwhelming Panic attacks and Flashbacks of walking in on him and her and the look he gave me and all the lies he told me for nearly 9 months, the persistant presence of other women he was interacting with and making me feel like i was there to give him children, to do what he wanted and that he deserved to have his pie and eat it too along with some cake on the side, thinking about it disgusts me.. We are going to go to counseling, but everything thats happened.. its all too much to bare..

Im 6ft tall, before my son I was 190 average, after my son i ballooned (or atleast i felt that way) to over 240, size 36 pant, none of my pre pregnancy pants fit. My daughter I was 220 pregnant (massive weight loss due to major depression) After I had her I lost over 30 lbs from delivery alone, now Im back up to 220 post pregnancy, I do not love myself, Im horrible depressed, If it werent for my children id honestly be 6ft under.. I dont know how to be happy anymore, I cry every night before bed and the boyfriend is to the point where he doesnt want to talk about it bc he has a bad heart (genetic & drug induced) he has been having mini heart attacks @ only 25 and sometimes i wonder if it would just be better to let him find someone else to make him and happy and my children me and my stretch mark riddled body just go make another life & me be a single mother because I will NEVER let another man get close to me to hurt me like he has.

Ill include some pictures taken the day before I had my daughter, I had cried the whole day & my neighbor lady took them and insisted I smile…

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 Pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 20 Months boy, 6 weeks girl PP 6 weeks

(Lisa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

I have a 6 month old son, first pregnancy.

My issue is this- I am over 200lbs. I had gained some weight before I got pregnant (met my now husband and became comfortable with him,slacked off and ate things I usually didn’t). Got pregnant, was so sick the entire time, I ate what I could. I did not eat alot at all, I felt like there was no room, and I got filled up so easily, but I did eat, and I craved protein 95% of the time. By the time all was said and done, I was about 250 lbs. NEVER been this heavy. Ever.

I am having trouble getting motivated to lose the weight. I am just so tired after work. I get up with him in the middle of the night also to take care of my son. My husband works alot, is very supportive, but I know he does not want a fat wife, and I don’t want to be one, I need to be healthy for my son. I do not feel sexy at all. Honestly, I don’t know how he has sex with me now. I was an exercise junkie before, worked out everyday. I don’t see the point if I get in even one day. I don’t eat too badly, but I eat what is in the house. Don’t even want to cook. I sound like a real lazy person- I do work full-time. Went back six weeks after having an emergency c-section.

I feel wound up all the time. If I don’t get things prepared for the next day when I get home, I will have even less time the next morning. I fall asleep before 8pm too. I know this sounds like complete crap, but I cannot fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes, don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror. Yes, I am so grateful my son is healthy and happy. I just want to go back to where I was, I can handle the stretch marks, I really didn’t get that many of them. What I did end up with is a huge belly- see pic.

I just wish someone could say some words that will jolt me into movement. I can’t be the only person to feel this way?

The fat I hate, not the stripes. (Aly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Vulva/Vaginal Damage 8 Comments

22 yrs old.
2 pregnancies, 1 birth.
Five month old daughter, pp.

My story may be everywhere, sorry.

I was pregnant before at 18, but never kept the baby. My personal choices led me to having an abortion. I am willing to share my reasons why, but if asked through email. I’m not ready to publicly announce why nor am I proud for what I have done. I battled depression, and so much more before I got to where I am at today. I just wanted to share that I was pregnant before, and to be honest with my choices.

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant the second time, same guy. We have been together since we were 16. In April/2011 I found out I was pregnant with my little angel. I cried with joy never thinking I could get pregnant again. After the abortion I had a small fear that I may have ruined my chances of being pregnant again. Beside the point I had a wonderful pregnancy, nothing medically wrong with us. I did gain my warrior marks which I expected. My maternal grandmother, and mother have stretch marks so I knew I would get them. Funny thing is I’m actually okay with these marks. They will fade, and there are creams to help diminish them some. Bad thing, I gained more than the recommend amount of weight yet it never worried my doctors. I weighed 115 pregnancy, and before birth I weighed 167. On December 8, 2011 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter…. My greatest joy in life.

Five months later, I weigh 143-45 lbs. I hate it with a passion. I do, and can’t really sit down to talk to anyone about this. I tell my mother, or express it to my husband…. I do it with light humor to hide my hurt. I look five months pregnant, and try to do the right thing. Exercise, walk, drink water, and I’m also breastfeeding too. I have a wider girth, and haven’t worn jeans since I was 20 wks pregnant. I tried on jeans one time when I was three months pp, most emotional day of my life. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t fit a certain size. It has been pajama bottoms, and sweats for me. Another thing I hate is down there. My daughter turned her head when she was crowning, and ripped the left side of my upper vaginal area. So my clitoris… Or I mean the small lips whatever they are called part of the clit is forever seperated in half on the left side. I hate when my husband touches me there because I know it is ripped so there is another confidence downer for me. I sag, look pregnant, and have a ripped clit.

Never, never have I ever had to wear a girdle. Now I do, and its so depressing. Like wow, really? I wear a girdle to give the illusion that I lost SOME of my belly. Even then it still doesn’t work making me look pregnant still, but holds me in place. I blew up, and I hate it. I battle with the thought of this. I wish I had a tummy tuck I can deal with a scar. I try… I have the privilege of staying at home with my daughter to raise her… She helps me forget everything when she smiles at me. It just takes a toll on me.. everyone tells me I will get skinnier a bit in time. I hear them, but don’t take their words in stride. This hurts me… I struggle with raising my daughter while my husband works, try to care for my house, dog, and husband. At times I fail at all of those things. Where is there time for myself? I recently started exercising a bit more with the husband. I’m motivated to do that because we do it together. I’m trying. We will see, but right now I’m so down on myself it sucks. Makes me want to break down, and cry. I went from being a petite 115 lbs, five foot lady to a wide all around fatness. Yes, I went there. I’m serious too, I’m FAT! Yet I’m content with my stretch marks. I just miss the bikini days… And my confidence. If I don’t have any confidence how can I better myself at everything else? Once in a while I feel apathetic except towards my daughter. I have a real smile every morning when I wake up to see her smiling up at me with her innocent eyes. Maybe someday I will regain back at least a little confidence to push forward with more… For now I’m at a hate relationship with myself….

First picture – Pre-pregnancy,Second: Two days before induction, I was 40 wks., Third: Five months pp front view, Fourth: Side view, Fifth: How it looks when I suck my tummy in. It’s so sad… but I want to share because I can be me without wondering what someone else may say… and I don’t have to use humor.

(Chrysla)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Vulva/Vaginal Damage 9 Comments

Love your website! I too have the beautiful shape of a mother and have had an adjustment period to finally accept and embrace my new body. That is not my problem or my husband’s problem though. We are dealing with my utter lack of muscle control in the vagina and urinary incontinence. I can no longer tighten up on my husband and experience an orgasm with him. He says I am so loose that pleasure is virtually non-existent for him as well. I have done Kegels until I am all Kegeled out. Seriously, I have done them about 20 times a day for almost two years. I wouldn’t trade the ability to be intimate with my husband for my two sons, but it sure seems like a higher price than I should have to pay. I have emotional turmoil and depression surrounding this issue. Are there other women like me? Is there anything I can do? My OB/GYN told me to be patient, that it would come back, but as I have said, its been almost two years and it’s not getting any better.

I guess what I am looking for is a place where there are woman like me sharing this problem. I don’t know if this website is the place, but it is the most positive beautiful site surrounding motherhood that I have ever seen. Thank you!

Struggling With My Body Image (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breech Baby, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I was 125 lbs.at 5’9″ pre pregnancy. I am 29 and this is my first child delivered via c-section. I was extremely sick for the first five months of pregnancy. After that i rapidly gained weight. I had severe edema and my doctor wanted me to take off work the last four weeks but with my husband out of a job i had to suck it up and work. I went into labor two weeks early and weighed a whoping 188! My daughter was breach so i forced to do a c-section. I thuoght with the swelling and birth i would easily lose half this weight gain. Not the case. So i breastfed until i returned to work so about four months. My daughter is now almost a year old and i look five months pregnant. I am a hairstylist so i deal with people all day, i have been asked when am i due. I always have a brave face when asked and i say oh im not my daughter isnt even a year old yet. But behind closed doors i cry my eyes out. I weigh 160 now and i am ok with the weight. I was underweight prior to having my daughter. I just dont want this belly anymore. I work out as much as i can and eat as healthy as i can but it doesnt seem to help. I am thankful i got very little stretch marks and now they are pretty much gone. But i sm not happy with myself. Especially when everyone i knew that was pregnant at the same time all look like they dont have kids. Reading some of these articles has help me feel like i am not the only one and i hope this helps others feel they are not alone. I am thankful that my husband has helped me feel beautiful and says that i look great. But ultimately if i could tone my abs a little more maybe i would feel complete.

Number of pregnancies: 1 and 1 birth.
Age of child: 10 1/2 months
C-section delivery.
Age: 29

Postpartum Depression or Hypothyroidism? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Thyroid Issues 4 Comments

~Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 18 months

Hi,

It’s been 18 months since I gave birth. It was a wonderful experience. I was surrounded by family, love, and affection after I came home with my dear daughter. My husband was supportive and woke up during the night every two hours to help me feed the baby. My daughter was healthy and thriving. But something was not right with me….

After the endorphins from a drug-free labor wore off and the joy of sharing the new baby with family waned, I started to feel exhausted – really really really exhausted. It felt like a chore to wake up and get out of bed and take care of my daughter. I felt guilty for not being ecstatic over the fact that I get to stay at home and raise my daughter. I felt guilty that I couldn’t enjoy every single smile and coo and aah that my daughter made. I felt isolated and depressed and angry. My energy levels were so low that I was literally dragging my feet….I felt as if I was walking through Jell-O. All I wanted to do was sleep….I was so numb, emotionally, and intellectually.

During my 6-week post-partum appointment, my OB/GYN diagnosed me with depression and encouraged me to go on antidepressants. Because I was breastfeeding and due to side effects related with some antidepressants, I was reluctant to take the antidepressants. I am a scientist by profession, so I did research on post-partum depression and anti-depressants and their side effects. While reading scientific articles, I came across one that linked post-partum depression to low thyroid function (hypothyroidism). I remembered that a blood test done in my last trimester had shown my thyroid function to be low, but it hadn’t raised any major red flags. So, before I agreed to go on antidepressants, I asked my doctor to do a blood test and check my thyroid function. I had other symptoms of hypothyroidism (constipation, dry skin, loss of appetite, gaining weight, joint and muscle aches and pains, bald patch on my scalp, carpal tunnel in my left hand, and sensitivity to cold). The blood test showed my thyroid function to be low (normal levels of TSH are 1-2 and mine were 4-5). The diagnosis was post-partum thyroiditis and post-partum depression was a symptom of the underlying hypothyroidism. I was prescribed a low dose synthetic thyroid hormone (which is safe for breastfeeding and pregnant women) that I have to take every day for the rest of my life.

I have routine blood tests every few months to check my thyroid function and make sure my hormone dosage is correct. Since I began the hormone replacement therapy, almost a year and a half ago, all of my physical symptoms have disappeared. I no longer have unexplained joint and muscle pain; I feel emotionally balanced; my brain fog has lifted; my hair, nails and skin are healthy; and I have lost all of my pregnancy weight. Most importantly, I feel that I have all the energy to chase around a toddler, exercise, clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, and be a loving companion to my husband.

Very often, we get confused by medical terms and take the doctors’ advice as the ultimate word. I want to share my experience so that women who read my story can be empowered to ask questions and become partners in their own health. You know your body and self better than anyone – take an active role in your well-being. For me, researching family history and seeking a second opinion from an endocrinologist specializing in thyroid function has been an immense learning experience. I believe that being an advocate of my own health and partnering with my doctor to delve deeper than the superficial symptoms has helped me achieve my life back. I hope I can help others who might have similar symptoms and experience after giving birth.

(Morgan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: (current) 20 (At time of delivery) 19
3 pregnancies, 1 (natural) birth (2 miscarriages during their first trimesters)

My daughter, Lauren, is 1 1/2 currently. When she was born she was 9 lbs. 3 oz. 22.75 in.

Pre-pregnancy weight: 150 on a bad day
Post-pregnancy weight to date: 198 on a bad day

1st picture: Pre-pregnancy
2nd picture: 7 months prego
3rd picture: 8 months prego
The rest are 1 1\2 years pp

I gained 54 pounds during pregnancy.. I caved in to almost all of my cravings and didn’t care how I ate because everyone told me I was so young and thin that my body would snap back. So I ate with confidence in the fact that I’d lose all the weight. I also played volleyball, basketball, and soccer to have my physique. Sports ended when I got pregnant and I had nothing active to jump back into. My husband also gained about 30 pounds during pregnancy and still has yet to lose weight as well. We love each other despite our body changes and he is always reminding me of my beauty and that my body is a sexy baby maker.

I run a group on Facebook called, The Mommy Network and it has fulfilled me in certain ways as a mom, but this is my first step to self-esteem recovery. I hope I can make someone feel better about themselves by posting this and in that, I feel better about myself.

Discomfort is an Understatement (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

~Age:22, Pregnancies: 1 (this is my first)

I’m not sure I’ve ever totally been comfortable with my body. I’m 5’1″, and am nearing 195lbs right now. I’m also 37 weeks and 3 days into my pregnancy. Before I got pregnant, I wasn’t the thinnest of girls, weighing in at around 145lbs. This is still heavier than I would have liked. I grew up as a very thin girl, and I was generally around 105lbs at most all through high school, but even then I was uncomfortable with my skin. It started with the stretchmarks on my breasts when I was 13. I’m extremely fair skinned, so when they showed up, (and even now..) they were very dark red/purple. Then it was the constant comments from my own mother about how I was “too pale” and needed to “get out in the sun more.” I also had the unfortunate nickname of “shark bait” for a while because my mother felt my thighs were unnaturally pale.

After high school I began to gain a little weight. A couple pounds here, a few there.. I still managed to stay under 120 for a while. My mother, who had been overweight for most of my childhood life, had lost almost 80lbs by this point, and dropped another 25 or so after her hysterectomy a while later. This new weight loss caused a lot of teasing coming my way. It was always meant as teasing, and I knew that, but you can’t help but to take it a little personally when your own mother tells you that you need to “drop that gut” at least once a week. This just started an endless cycle, which resulted in my gaining more weight.

I struggled to keep myself at 130-135lb, and lost that battle. Weighing around 150lbs at the age of 21, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It was sudden and unexpected, but my boyfriend and I are happy about this. At least, I was happy until the weight gain started. Every time I step on that scale at my OB’s office, I just want to cringe and run out of the office. And the bigger I got, the harder it’s been for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I use lotion 1-2 times a day on my tummy, my legs, my breasts, my hips.. And, as you can see, I still developed deep, dark stretchmarks. Even when I was thin, I never judged someone based on their weight. I decided how I felt after I knew more about them as a person, but I feel like hiding away and never going into public ever again. I always feel like someone, anyone who sees me, is judging my size, despite the fact that I’m pregnant. When people take pictures of me, I can’t even stand to look at them. I even have mini meltdowns every single time I take a shower because I have to look at this strange, swollen form of what used to be my body. I’m at a point where I would be happy without a mirror in the entire house. I know weight gain during pregnancy is normal. As are stretchmarks. Somewhere along the way, I guess I started to feel that I’m alone in my struggle.

I know my body will never be the same after having children. It’s just a fact of life, and one I’ve gratefully accepted since my body being a little different is a small price for a beautiful, healthy child. I just wish I knew where to start in terms of accepting my body as it is right now. Discomfort is an understatement for me. I loathe seeing my own body in the mirror. And sometimes I’m afraid that feeling will never go away.