Submissions

This is Four Months Postpartum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Self-harm, Submissions 7 Comments

This is four months postpartum. I cannot lose the weight no matter how hard I try. The shame I feel is sickening. I want to vomit whenever I see myself in the mirror. It’s so hard to leave the house and be around people. I am so so so ashamed. I can’t even be in the front yard unless it’s dark. Everything sags and my waistline is gone. I didn’t even get boobs from this mess. They’re still small but now they sag and are deflated. So I’m horrible looking, fat without breasts. My husband always liked the little gap between my thighs and now it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I try to eat healthy but sometimes I just feel so terrible that I go for something good because at least I feel a little happy when I can eat good food, even though I hate myself for eating it afterwards.

I hate myself so much for letting this happen to me. I love my son but I was left with nothing but a disgusting mess. Sometimes I cut and punch myself and they say to use a marker instead so that’s what I did.

I used to be the girl who could wear whatever and it’d be okay. More importantly I used to be the girl who could carry thirty pounds of gear into the mountains and hike myself out with an injury (dislocated kneecap). Now I can’t even hike seven miles without my body giving up. I can’t even talk about what happened to my mind or I will really break down.

I failed at everything. I failed at breastfeeding so I have these disgusting boobs and I can’t even breastfeed my son. I labored for thirty hours with back to back contractions and still had to have a c-section. My hips and back gave out during my pregnancy and I had to be on crutches and I couldn’t exercise although I did what I could. I have really intense postpartum depression and anxiety. I’m on four medications and have tried so many different kinds of treatment. Electroconvulsive therapy might be the next step.

I can sense my friends and family getting frustrated with me so I’m starting to pull away from them too. I have no damn idea why my husband even still has sex with me. I think it’s because I’m there and he’s a very loyal person but I’m convinced he’s imagining he’s with someone else. How could this wreck of a body ever appeal to him? He didn’t give me a single compliment after I gave birth but he used to say I was beautiful every day before. He started again when I broke down about it but now I can’t believe him because I had to cry and beg for him to see me as beautiful so I know it’s him lying to make me feel better. I don’t blame him for forgetting because the first month is so hard and if it’s not genuine why would he even think to do it?

I hate myself so much I cry every day and some days I can’t leave the house no matter how hard I try. I would have surgery in a heartbeat if I could afford it. I just want to hide forever but I can’t because I need to find a way to endure for my son. I just don’t know how. I give up on being attractive. I just want to not care.

Am I Ruined? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 2 Comments

I’m currently 24. I have had two pregnancies and have two beautiful boys 1 year and 20 days apart both delivered vaginally. I will be 3 months postpartum in 11 days. I am writing this post because I am working hard to become comfortable in my own skin again and want to love my new body. In college I had so much confidence in crop tops, short shorts, bikinis etc…. Again, I am 24 years old so if this sounds immature I apologize. I love fashion, I love wearing things to compliment my figure and my midriff used to be my favorite part of my body. My first son left me stretch mark free, well on my stomach only, I developed a couple on my hips and some deep in my upper inner thigh area (yes I cried, my husband said that he didn’t care, yada yada all the things men say to comfort you.) My thoughts on his response…. No matter how vain it sounds I thought, “well at-least my stomach is OK.” Well then came my second baby boy and now I feel ruined. I am still young and I’d like to dress in all of the things I felt able to wear before, well a bit more conservative of course out of respect for my husband and children, but I am scared that strangers, yes people I owe nothing to, will stare…. Ugh this sounds so stupid…

I am about 30 lbs overweight now and just got the “okay” to resume exercise. I have diastasis recti so my pouch didn’t go down as fast as it did after my first pregnancy but I am working on closing the gap through physical therapy. I am eager to get toned again, but now I fear that weight loss may enhance the appearance of my stretch marks that, in person, look like deep horizontal tears in my abdomen area (although exfoliation has evened the texture out a bit), plus the light discoloration (which I’m not sure if it will fade into my skin color because as an African American woman I found my belly looks darker for a while after birth), and may reveal sagging skin, which I’m not 100% sure if I have any, but the ab separation is about 3 fingers wide so that may contribute to sagging. Also, my belly button looks soooooo weird to me now, but that’s not a major issue for me, it seems to be shifting back to place lately… I’m probably hallucinating.

Anyway, I remember as a child, my mother showed me her stretch marks and said that her body was ruined, so that replays in my head, plus one of the first questions she asked when I was pregnant with my first was if I had developed any, which I hadn’t on my stomach. I find myself, in between bathroom breaks and nap-time for my babies in the mirror obsessively checking them as if they’re just going to disappear all of a sudden. I am exfoliating like crazy in the shower trying to fade them as fast as possible…. I’m considering a spray tan, yes I know I have dark skin already but I’ve read it could even out your skin tone and disguise scars regardless… I look at clothing online and automatically feel like I’ll never be able to wear what I like again without looking stupid. I have decided to get a tubal ligation because I honestly do not think I can handle anymore changes to my appearance. I know that beauty comes from within, but to me when you feel good about the outside, your self esteem is boosted… But maybe that’s just me. I know I have a long way to go and I will not allow myself to regret my amazing boys. But am I ruined? Can I still dress as a 24 year old? Is my body now disgusting? I need to know. Will it get better? Please help me ladies, I know it is all in my head, but I can’t seem to break free from this mentality.

Updated here.

Wonder Woman is Real

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 0 Comment

Originally posted on Instagram.

011118-wonderwomanisreal-1

I know I don’t have the perfect body. This body has born three beautiful souls into this world and nothing has taken a harsher toll on my body.
I know I don’t have a perfect body I have had weight issues all of my life due to life struggles. But I never give up and everyday I struggle a little bit with food. It’s much easier now that I am vegan as I get full so much easier but it has put marks and stretches to my body that will never go away.
I know I don’t have the perfect body with a chest that seems to never stop growing larger no matter what I do, but I am learning to love my defects as a part of me. Trying to find the beauty in the flaws. Everyday I try. Most days I lose but thanks to all of you and the love you give back to me I have days that I win too. Thank you all. Love you!
…
Gotham City Garage
Wonder Woman by me (custom wig by @officialherohair and costume by @sewwhat73 )
Photo by our #cosdad @cosplayer_gallery

Update (Kim)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Update, Widow 2 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: 38
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5p/4b
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8, 6, 5, 3

My youngest turned 3 this week. The last time I submitted to SOAM she was a month old and my world had been rocked. I want to thank everyone for their kind words at that time. They meant very much to me.

On our first trip to the cancer hospital we were told my husband had on average 24 months to live. He died 24 months later, 5 days before his 35th birthday. I have been an only parent (on paper) for almost a year now. The cancer itself was nothing like in the movies – there were trips to the hospital and ambulances and a deathbed, but I had cried most of my tears the first 6 months after his diagnosis. That is when I had to come to terms with the fact that my life would be different than I’d thought. I have so many friends now going through divorces and marriages and infertility…. I don’t know that many people’s lives go according to plan.

For the two years he lived, I coped. I was caring for the kids and my husband, and I had nothing left to give myself. I enrolled in a program to get my teaching degree, which I continue to work on part-time. I felt like I had no time for health or for fitness, so I just existed. I don’t know that I was depressed, I never went to the doctor…. I was on autopilot and going through the motions until something got better. And as horrible as it may sound, things got better after my husband died. I was able to think about me again. However, I didn’t come to that realization until January of 2017 when I went to put on some pajama pants that had always fit and found they were much too tight. In February I joined a gym, and I continue to go every day. The kids go to child-minding and I get some me time.

I started just by taking classes at the gym; I was able to hide myself in a corner until I gained some confidence. In July I did my first Spartan (obstacle course) race with some friends and I finally had a training goal; this mother wants to be able to pull herself over an 8 ft high plywood wall. It’s not a typical goal, but it’s mine. I’m gaining muscle all over my body. I am in the best emotional and mental and physical health of my life. After surviving my husband’s illness, I know that I am strong on the inside. Now I am working to make my outside reflect that.

I love myself, and I am unstoppable.

The pictures I’m including are me in April 2017 and me in October 2017 and are the result of proper nutrition and exercise. I’m also including a picture of my belly when I do a plank because that’s also how I look.

I just weaned my last child! (Mom of 3)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 3 Comments

I am a 32 year old mother of three children; ages 3,8,11.

My youngest/last child and I are two days into weaning!

I was 21 when I gave birth to my first child. That pregnancy was crazy on my body. I gained almost 65lbs and struggled afterward with what know was post partum depression. I breastfed him for 13 months and abruptly weaned him since I believed the hype that he was “too old” to nurse much longer. With my second child I gained 55 lbs. and breastfed him till he was 2.5 yrs. old. To stave off another round of ppd, at seven days post partum I restarted on an antidepressant medication ( I was diagnosed with major depression but got off the meds when I discovered I was pregnant) and didn’t get ppd. My last pregnancy was not easy. I was hospitalized since for 3 days I littearly could not stop thowing up and then passed out at my child’s doctor apt due to dehydration. The rest of my pregnancy was like that, constant throwing up when ever I move or eat or didn’t eat enough. Luckily, my then four yr. old is a sympathetic and patient child and my oldest was in school. I gained 40ish lbs. with my last pregnancy, and a line of stitches in my cervix to go with the stiches on my perineum from my first baby. Some hemorrhoids made them selves at home while I was pregnant with my daughter and I think i messed up my urethra, since I leak when I jump or laugh. My daughter is my last. I made sure of that by having a tubal litigation right after she was born.

I think I have always had body issues since high school being chubby or just thicker than others in my group, then restricting my diet to fit a certain look. the funny thing is, in high school I almost starved my self to my current weight of 121. but now I am two to three pant sizes bigger then I wore then. I remember when I was pregnant with my first and at about four months in I tried on my size 4 jeans. I was devastated that they wouldn’t go past my knees! then when my 34c/d breasts ballooned to ??? size where even a 38ddd barley coved my areola and my breasts got interesting white stretch marks on them over the weekend i got engorged right after my child was born. I thought that I could never be seen as pretty again, that i might never be happy again, that it was the worse event of my life! Lol, of course not. My husband was across the country on a military base from 7 months along until two weeks after our 1st baby was born. Then he shipped out to Iraq shortly after. I lost a bunch of weight, became very unhealthy and then saw him once at 8 months pp and finally moved back with him after his deployment when our child was 13 months. I was so skinny everything drooped. my breasts, stomach, and twiggy legs, nursing took my once ample behind and sucked it try to panckakeish proportions. My husband saw me nude and at once asked me what happened to my thickness? I was mortified and hated the way I looked. Over time I gained my weight back to a healthy126 and after my second i lost a lot of weight, but worked out to keep mucule tone. My body has kept it self healthy after my third child.

Over the course of the last 11 yrs I have birthed my 3 children, experienced personal tragedies, near death sickness of my second child due to sepsis, divorce, depression, getting on my own two feet, getting healthy, and seeing my children succeed! My children have done the most amazing transformation to my heart and mindset and shaped my life goals as much as they have changed my body. I have spent a total of almost 7 years breastfeeding, actually nurturing bodies of little humans. It’s incredible! I don’t mind the marks so much. I would love to not have a stomach pouch that hangs over my pants when I sit down or that bunches up all lumpy from a tear in my ab wall but I try to not make a big deal of if for my children, especially my almost four yr old daughter who “wants to get a big belly like mine so she can drive a car.” I was talking with a 38 yr old mom of 2 and Zumba instructor who reminded me that every mother has those marks and flabby skin on their stomachs, even female body builders, maybe they don’t have fat but they do have the hanging skin and marks. I would rather have them and be a mother then rocking my 20 yr old taut stomach and full breasts.

Breast woes and appreciation .. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

Hello, im 36 and have 2 beautiful children ? aged 12 and 7.

My first pregnancy came at a time of such a huge loss. Only months before a huge part of my life passed away and the grief was immersurable. The pregnancy brought to us such excitement. I neglected to think what i ate would forever change my body. I thought i could eat what i want and at the end the weight would drop off and all would return to normal! Yikes was i delusional. Little size 8 grew to a 16!! Im short so the weight gain caused stretch marks on my tummy, breasts and my thighs and even calves! I had dark marks all over my tummy and i was so ashamed of my naked body. I was so depressed but so in love with my bundle of joy. He brought so much love into our lives that helped with healing such a broken heart.

I got post natal drepression and PTSD and lost a lot of weight fast. My stretch marks faded to mostly indented silvery lines i went Back to a size 8 by time he was 1. My once were gorgeous perky boobs were saggy and unrecognisable. My nipples had grown so much bigger through pregnancy and not returned to the size they had been. My tummy was more like a bobbly pouch. I hated my breasts so much i tried to wrap them with long cloth so they would be pressed hard against my body so i didnt notice them as much.

5 years later i was pregnant with my second son. I didnt gain as much weight with him and loved my milky boobies that were huge! It gave me a bit more cinfidence however during breast feeding i put on a lot more weight and have yo yo’d ever since hovering between a size 8 to 12. At the moment im a large 12 but hope to get back on top of healthy eating and exercise to drop the extra weight.

I have obsessed about my boobs and dream of having breast augmentation. I’ve researched other women who have gone through with it and love their results! But because finances won’t allow it i will accept what i have for the time being ? im grateful i naturally birthed 2 beautiful boys and was able to nourish them with breast feeding. The first had BM for 5 months due to complications and the second till aged close to 2 years old.

I love being a mother! i have a love-hate relationship with my body’s appearance however mostly im grateful and in awe of what it can do! Birthing and raising children has been the biggest blessing i could ever be bestowed and im forever grateful for such a privilege ?

Huge thanks to all the mothers sharing their stories on this page. You have helped me more than you can ever imagine! It helped me normalise my mother body and accept it. Xxx

Back again! With another boy! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Complications During or After Birth, Complications in Pregnancy, NICU, Placenta Previa, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 1 Comment

Age: 26
3 months post partum

First post here, second post here.

This is my 3rd time submitting my story, and a lot has changed in the last 5.5 years!

I had my first son at 19 (now 7) a natural hospital birth, no complications. He was 6lbs 14oz and i breast fed him for 9 months.

I got pregnant with my second son when my oldest was only 10 months old, i was 21 when i gave birth to him. Another all natural hospital birth, he was 7lbs 14oz and i breast fed him for 1 year, he is now 5.

My husband and i were done having children, or so we thought. July 31st 2016, i found out we were expecting once more. We were excited and scared, we have our hands full with our 7 and 5 year old boys. But we welcomed the challenge! Instantly this pregnancy was different, i was sick and crampy, so i had an ultrasound done at 7 weeks. The baby had implanted to low and had an abnormal gestational sac, we were given a 50/50 chance of it surviving. So again at 9 weeks we went back, and to our amazement the sac was normal and the baby was growing upward! So i was cleared to have my dream delivery, at a birthing center!

Everything went smoothly the next few months, i was sick all of the time, but hey, that can happen when you’re pregnant! Then came our 22 week anatomy scan. It was our 3rd son! He looked great, measured perfect, but i had partial placenta previa, which meant my placenta had grown in the lower part of my uterus and was touching my cervix. The dr. Said it was such a mild case he was not concerned, and was certain it would migrate upward as my uterus grew.

Again smooth sailing until my follow up 28 week ultrasound. My partial placenta previa was now a complete placenta previa and i could no longer have a vaginal delivery. I was put on bed rest and told to look forward to having a csection at 37 weeks. So my placenta went from touching my cervix to completely covering it, i was absolutely devastated!

Before i had time to even find a regular ob (5 days later), because i could no longer go to the birthing center, i woke up to bleeding and off to the er we went. They were able to stop the bleeding and give my 2 rounds of steroids for the baby. After a 2 day stay in the hospital we went home on even stricter bedrest.

Then at 30 weeks i was woken up to the sensation of my water breaking, only to discover it was not water at all, it was blood, and i was bleeding out right there in my bed. We drove 10 min to our closest er, where i was airlifted to a hospital with a level 3 nicu. As if i wasn’t scared enough They lost the babies heartbeat in the helicopter and i feared the worst. Once we landed they were able to find his heart beat, faint, but there.

They rushed me up to L&D to discover not only was i loosing a massive amount of blood and clots, i was contracting every 3 minutes. So they made the decision to do an emergency csection.

My little boy was born at 30 weeks weighing 3lbs 7oz and 16.5 ” long, he is our little fighter!

He spent 8 long heart breaking weeks in the nicu. Talk about a Rollercoaster, he was up and Down for the first few weeks.

We are now 3 months post partum, and i am so blessed he and I both lived, the drs and nurses told us we were very close to not making it.

So now i carry a scar as a reminder of what we went through. I’m not happy with my stomach, but I’m trying very hard to take it easy on myself. I have good and bad days, i didn’t realize how difficult the recovery from a csection would be.

God has blessed me with 3 Amazing little boys, so i will try and carry this body with pride!

1st picture: 29 weeks prego (the last picture i was able to get pregnant)

2nd and 3rd picture: 3 days post partum

Pictures 4-7: now, 3 months post partum, including my scar

My Husband Surprised Me! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 0 Comment

I’m 21 and a mother of two handsome boys. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. I’m very self conscious and it got worse after I had our first son at 17. He came to my job (anniversary day) and brought me home early. We haven’t had sex in 8 months because I’m afraid he doesn’t like how I look. When we got home and he opened the door I saw roses leading to the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom.

I was shocked but my heart skipped a beat when I saw the condoms on the night stand. He told me to go in the bathroom and change into the outfit he had left for me and I did. I hurried and wrapped myself in a towel and opened the door. He started to kiss me and squeezing my butt. In my head I began to feel scared because he was about to unhook the back of my outfit. He’s seen my breasts but not the rest of my body.

He pulled it down to my v-line and began at kiss and lick each mark. I had to lay up and look at him. I had no idea guys his age accepted women like me. That taught me to love myself and every chance he gets he tries to play around with them. Ladies love yourself because if you don’t, no one else will.

A Child’s Thoughts on Stretch Marks (Jenny)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

A story I thought you’d like and am happy for you to share if you like… I have a 3 week old… and a 4yo and a 7yo… I got stretch marks in my second pregnancy. I hated them…. mostly because I developed the truly evil rash that is PUPPS and the itchiness was horrendous. Anyway, they faded and I learned to live with them. Pregnant again 3.5 years later, my third baby resulted in more stretch marks in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy… something I don’t understand as he was just over a pound LIGHTER than my previous mighty girl baby… anyway, these ones are worse! I haven’t been hiding them, but nor have I displayed them…

Tonight my 7yo lay in bed next to me reading as I breastfed his baby brother. He looked over and say, “wow mum you have a totally cool pattern on your tummy… did baby M make that ?”

I got to answer proudly, “yup!”

The Liberation Continues (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 1 Comment

Original post here.

A few years ago, in 2009, I submitted a picture and piece about the liberation of my breasts. As a mom of three at the time I was trying hard to liberate myself from body hatred, while learning to love my changed body.

Now, two more kids later, for a total of five kids breastfed for 3+ years each, my breasts are still the love vessels they always have been. Whether my nipples are laying down looking tired or up and ready for the cold (or something else), they’ve supplied sustenance for life and they continue to hold the potential for pleasure. Although they look way different than before kids, they’re still part of me and my almost forty one year old sensual body.

Reclaiming my body after directly creating, birthing and nurturing five lives with it for fifteen years plus is an interesting process and I’m not always sure what to expect along the way. During one birth I injured my pelvic muscles, resulting in the need for physical therapy to repair and strengthen my sacred pelvic bowl. My belly is now squishy and soft, as I continue to gradually support and strengthen the muscle underneath. My skin is stretched and wrinkles when I pull in my tummy. My breast’s perky days are done, instead traded in for breasts which are soft and stretched, shifting into little puddles on my chest when I lay down. All of this fluctuates depending on the position of my body, levels of activity, rest, nutritional intake and hydration.

Overall, my body has changed and grown, changed some more and now that I’m complete with my child bearing I’m very grateful for all it has provided and continues to provide for me and my family. My body is my tree of life and more than anything, love is what it needs, and so love is what I am learning to give it – soft squishy breasts, stretch marked belly and all.