Postpartum

Behind Enemy Lines (SMS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 30
1st pregnancy, 1 year postpartum

My body has always been the enemy. This shape which outlines the whole of who I am, encapsulating the parts of me both seen and unseen. Somehow, with time and age, it had come to represent me, a personal definition of who I am, carefully crafted for the world to see. The “me” that existed behind the lines of my body was lost in my attempts to measure up to a cultural ideal.

Before my daughter, I was constantly at war with my body. It never did what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted. Having internalized so many of the messages my culture had fed me, I never felt thin enough, shapely enough, sculpted enough. I starved myself for years on end, adopting strange diets in the name of being healthy, and obsessed that it was never enough. It seemed, my body was always bound to fail me. Years of my life were spend battling body dysmorphic disorder – no matter what I did, it was never enough.

When we decided we were ready to have a baby, my body failed me again. The first few months passed. Then a year. Then another year. My body was failing me on a whole new level. Not only did it fail to measure up to some abstract standard of beauty, but apparently its functionality was also impaired. I spent nights lamenting over a loss of my future family, tears wasted after our Re told us it wouldn’t happen on our own. In the war between me and my body, my body was winning.

Shortly before the three year mark of trying to conceive, we finally did just that. And as my body began to change, so did I. For the first time in my, my body had a purpose. It had a purpose greater than myself. In the first three months I gained 20lbs, and I stopped getting on the scale. My best guess is I gained at least 45lbs during my pregnancy, but that was just a number. I felt free. Free to exist as I was, as a woman bringing life into this world. My growing curves stood as testament to the amazing thing happening inside my body and the only standard of comparison was in my heart.

My daughter was born a mere 5lb 10oz. Complications at the pregnancy caused her to stop getting adequate nutrition – one last attempt from my body to fight my new empowerment. But my daughter was strong and healthy. And next week my tiny peanut will be turning a year old. My body shows the proud signs of mommyhood. A handful of stretchmarks adorn my tummy and thighs, my hips are ample, my breasts have nourished my daughter for these nearly twelve months and they show it, and I’m still carrying some baby weight around because my life is too busy chasing my daughter around to obsess all that much. I still won’t get on a scale. This is not the same body I had a few years ago. This body is better. And I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I am stronger.

Some days are rougher than others. Some days the drive to perfection revs up again. Then I look at my daughter, and I marvel at how this body could do something so amazing. And I remind myself that how my daughter will look at herself starts with how I look at myself. I never want my daughter to fight with her own body, because she is beautiful and incredible as she is. I have learned that one of the best ways to love my daughter is to also love myself.

Coming to terms… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 30
Births: 2
Kids: age 2 and 4

I remember seeing pregnant woman and thinking how perfect, sexy, gorgeous, powerful and voluptuous they are. Pure WOMAN. I was in awe.

I was even excited to be that perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN when I became pregnant with my first child…until the weight came. I had never had body image problems and even fought against the idea of someone else’s Ideal Body Image through writing for young girls and in day-to-day life… but suddenly I wasn’t that beautiful pregnant lady, I was fat. My face was fat. Back fat? Where the hell did you come from? Hot and sweaty, out of breath… I was never one to stare at myself in the mirror, I looked, but not obsessively or really put much thought into it, no shmutz on my face, shirt’s not inside out, etc., but now? I can’t even see myself. Pieces, a face I don’t recognize, an arm or that not so perfect belly, knees, only parts but could never see the whole. In fact I mostly avoid the mirror all together except on the strange occasion I stare and try, really try to see me. I can’t.

One afternoon walking back to a Cat Power show from the bathroom I looked up and nearly run into this goddess of a woman -long thick black hair, creamy hazelnut skin, clothing hanging perfectly, seductively off her curves, dark gorgeous eyes staring directly at… me. “You are the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen” she says, “You’re glowing brighter than the sun.”

“Th-th-thank you” I manage to stammer and looking into her eyes I remember seeing that beauty in other women and for the first time I feel like a perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN.

My second child is nearly two and though I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight I take a shower and wonder why I still can’t see my pubic hair without really sucking it in… Which I do a lot of, and wear long shirts, and feel self-conscience when I wear an Ergo and my gut hangs over the waist strap.

The other day my two daughters and I were wrestling in bed. Lying on my back I read the Braille story my deep stretched skin marks told and squishing and squeezing my belly I say “isn’t it beautiful” and both girls nodded immediately with huge smiles. The one year old kisses and hugs my flabby stomach.

What perfectly amazing work this body has done, and beautiful stories it tells. What sexy curves it has and how gorgeously proportioned it is. How powerful I am carrying two children to term and birthing them at home, naturally. This voluptuous woman I see in the mirror is breathtaking.

062210-anon-1

Still Working At It – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

Original entry here.

Age 21
1 child, 10 months postpartum

It feels like forever since I posted my last entry here, even though it has only been nine months! I must admit that I’m not feeling nearly as confident now as I did at a month postpartum, I guess because the adrenaline of giving birth has finally worn off. I am still working hard to feel good about myself and get my body back into a shape that I feel comfortable with.

The day I brought my little lovely home I weighed 149lbs. I’m now at 125. I have been walking a couple miles everyday and doing a half hour workout on the Fit channel (most days, anyway!) I am still exclusively breastfeeding my daughter and it has most definitely helped me lose the weight. Although it is important to me to feel fit and sexy again, rather than just “being skinny” it is my ultimate goal to create for myself a positive body image no matter what I look like! How can I teach my daughter to love herself if I don’t love me? Despite the title of my last entry, I don’t. And I really want to. So I’m just going to keep working at it. My boobs are saggy from feeding my baby, my hips are widened from carrying her, my butt is completely flat for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I could list a million other things if I cared to….but I am beautiful.

These pictures were taken yesterday and I feel pretty good about them. It was my first time back in a bikini!

Any confidence I had (which was minimal) is GONE! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 17 Comments

I have always had insecurities about my body, which eventually led to an eating disorder. I got down to almost 85 lbs (I am 5′ 3″). Fortunately, I was able to stop. I slowly gained weight back, and wasn’t exactly happy, but I dealt with it and had the support of my husband. Then, I got pregnant. I knew I would gain weight but never realized the toll that pregnancy would have on my body. I gained about 50 lbs and had to have a c-section due to arrested dilation. My baby was put under the bili-lights for the first week of life and therefore could not breastfeed. She got too used to the bottle and I have ended up bottle-feeding her. So, I was stuck with this extra weight to lose without the aid of breastfeeding. So, here I am now, 3 months postpartum, with saggy breasts, HORRIBLE stretch marks, and so much extra weight it is not even funny. I am only 21 but am already past my prime. It’s a really sad realization and I am trying to accept it. I’m having trouble with the eating disorder now too. I feel so out of control. And my husband is gone due to the military. It’s hard. But my baby girl is the light of my life now. Pray for me please :)

P.S. The last picture is of me before I got pregnant, just in case you couldn’t tell the difference ;D

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 live birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months postpartum

Belly Flop (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Back for round three! I figured I’d submit one each postpartum “trimester.” Well, my little man will be one way too soon, this has been the fastest year of my life. We’re planning a birthday party, gearing up for summer, and enjoying every minute of it. Here are my most recent pics at 10 1/2 months postpartum. I still hate my stretch marks more than anything. :( Plus, the texture of my tummy skin is less than desirable but whatever. Thank goodness for modesty! I’d be covered even if I didn’t need to be:) Happy summer to all you mama’s!

Updated here.

A Stomach Like a Deflated Balloon (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 months post partum

Up until 4years ago I had never had body issues. I’d always been slim and fit, but after one termitated pregnancy at 19 I had implanon inserted as a contraception. I gained 15kg (33pounds) in the 6months following. Previously I weighed 60kg (132pounds) and ended up 75kg (165pounds).

During my pregnancy with my now 6mo baby boy I got upto 86kg (189pounds). I am now back to 76.5kg (168.6pounds) and very unhappy with this. Even though I am not a lot heavier than I was pre-baby, my body shape is completely different and I have a lot of purple coloured stretch marks covering my belly. I hate what I look like in the mirror and for the first time I look at photos of my body and think, “Am I really THAT fat? Do I really look like that?” My stomach looks like a deflated balloon and I feel very unattractive. My partner has told me he really doesn’t care what I look like and he’ll be with me regardless, I’d love him to tell me he thinks that I am beautiful, but he has never been that type of guy.

I look at other mothers that are slimmer, not so stretched and just look amazing after giving birth and feel quite jealous. My son is worth everything, and I realise that long term this should not matter, because I am fortunate enough to have a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy who is the light of my life, and a supportive partner who always stands by me.

I’d give anything to get back to 60kg, but I know it would never happen and I am never going to look that way again. I just want to feel beautiful and sexy again.

My photos are of me 34weeks pregnant, my baby boy Kevin at 5months old, a pre-pregnancy photo in a bikini, and various pics of my stomach and sides 6 months post partum

Updated here.

My Story – I Have a Long Way to Go (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 33 Comments

Age: 30
2 Pregnancies, 2 Births
Children 9yrs & 7.5yrs

When I was a kid I was skinny/average, like most kids were back then. When I hit 10 or so I started to gain some weight. I lived on a farm so I had to do hard work and because of that my weight fluctuated a bit (not as much work/activity in the winter). I never really noticed that I was chubby until I was 13 and met my “best friend”. She made fun of EVERY part of me. I was to short, my nose was crooked, my top lip was too poofy for the size of my bottom lip (they are about the same size), my butt was too wide for how big it was top to bottom, my finger nails to pointy, my eyes to almond shaped, my hips too small. You name it, she had something bad to say about it. It was such an impressionable time for me and she ruined what self esteem I had. I met my husband when I was almost 18. He always said he thought I was sexy and beautiful. Even when I was pregnant he still wanted to see me naked and make love with me. During my first pregnancy I gained about 30 pounds. I didn’t quite lose all the weight when I became pregnant again when my first was 10.5 months old. Again I gained about 30-35 pounds. I nursed through my pregnancy and went on to tandem nurse. I lost a LOT of weight rather quickly. I lost all the baby weight and more probably by the time my second child was a year old. I am smaller now than I was before I was ever pregnant, about 25 pounds lighter. You would think that would make me feel really good but it doesn’t. I work out regularly (at least until the past month or), stay active through out the day and eat really healthy. I can’t stand to see my stretch marks, loose skin and small breasts. After nursing for 6 years straight my breasts are even smaller than their already to small pre-pregnancy size and my nipples are stretched out.

I really want to get a boob job, nose job and a tummy tuck but my husband says no way, I’m beautiful just the way I am and he wouldn’t want to touch my boobs if they were fake. He thinks they would look and feel weird. I can’t stand my stomach. I can’t seem to burn the last of the fat off of it, unless I starve myself. The loose skin on it is just disgusting too. I am always grabbing and pinching it wishing it would just go away. My husband says he thinks my stomach is as sexy as it ever was and it’s amazing because it accommodated our precious children. Under normal circumstances I would believe all these things except he has been looking at porn so much. A few months ago he promised me he would not do that ever again and that if we made love every day he wouldn’t want to do it anymore. We do make love almost every day and I still caught him looking at it when I was outside in the yard, playing with the kids! He couldn’t even wait until I wasn’t home to do it (oh and we had just made love the morning before and I had no idea he was even horny that day). He says it’s not because he doesn’t find me attractive. He always tells me how sexy I am and can’t keep his hands off of me. He’ll walk by and say, “MMM MMM” or squeeze my butt when I walk by or bend over. All I can figure is that if I looked like the porn stars he loves to look at so much he would stop looking at other women (I took some naked pics that even I can’t deny I actually look really good in but he still prefers to look at other women naked when it comes to satisfying himself. He actually wanted to show them to his co-workers, or someone because he said I looked so beautiful it was hard to keep them to his self!). Unfortunately we can’t afford for me to get any plastic surgery. I keep telling him when I save up I’m getting it done whether he approves or not. Why wouldn’t he want me to get these things done if I’m willing to do them??? He would be the one benefiting from it. It just doesn’t make sense. I know he loves me very much. He helps out around the house, helps out with the kids and supports me in everything I do. I have become obsessed with is porn habit though. Every time I go outside to do yard work or leave with the kids all I can think about is that he must be jacking off to porn. I just can’t let this go. I don’t know if most women’s husbands look at it and they think it’s no big deal but it’s a big deal to me.

I have so much work to get myself emotionally healthy. I really don’t want to pass this negative body image and screwed up thinking onto my daughter. I’m always worried that I’m going to gain a pound or two and then my husband won’t want to look at me or touch me anymore. I’m thinking about seeing a counselor. I’m not sure at this point if it will do me any good though. I just can’t imagine looking at myself in the mirror and not thinking I’m fat, ugly, stretched out and scarred up. Thanks for listening to me.

The first attached picture is me when I was 19 before I was pregnant, the second is 27 weeks with my second baby, the last picture is a full body shot taken yesterday.

Proud Momma (Van)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

When I got pregnant at 19 I was 140lbs and happy with how I looked for the most part (who doesn’t have little qualms about how they look.?) Now at 2 years post partum I am 195lbs, which is more than I was fully pregnant with my little girl. I feel mixed emotions about my body, I fee disgusting and sad, and ashamed that I let myself get this way. But I am trying to not complain about my body in front of my daughter. I want her to see that women are beautiful! and so as a *friend* of mine said “I will walk the walk”. What better way then to celebrate the shape of a mother with images! I have stretch marks on my hips, but they are my badge of honour for the accomplishment that is my daughter. My Breasts are not perky but they nourished her. I cant wait to do it again, regardless of what it does to my body! I am a Mother!

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 years postpartum

first 3 pics are me 2 years post partum , the last is me at 27 weeks.

New Mummy, New body to accept (Kelly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 18 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Kara is 4 weeks old

My partner Matt and I are both young, I’m 22, he is 20. We had Kara 4 weeks ago, I had to have an emergency c-section as I was induced at 9 days overdue and after 12 hours of hard labour I hadn’t dilated at all.

I was happy with the c-section, although it took me about a week to walk unsupported I am happy with how everything went.
I have never been a totally stick skinny person, I’ve always been curvy and I’ve always had big boobs. Now they are just massive haha (and my breastfeeding nipples are so huge!!!).

I’m lucky to have an amazingly supportive partner who tells me every day that I’m still attractive and that he loves my tummy (pouch and all). I got more stretchmarks than I was expecting but I will grow to accept them.

I can’t help but feel down when I see other girls my age in bikinis and such but I have decided that once summer comes round again (December here in Australia) I’ll bear a bikini no matter how floppy I still am because it’ll feel empowering to show of those marks that I like to think of as “Mummy badges”.

I’ve lost so 8 kilos so far, 5 from the birth and 3 kilos since. I aim to get down to 60kgs which is 22 kilos away!!! I’m using Wii Fit for light exercise… I can’t wait til it stops telling me I’m obese!!!

I’ll include a small bunch of pics to show off all my changes

1st pic: pre pregnancy body (actually the night Matt and I found out we were expecting!)
2nd pic: 40 weeks pregnant
3rd pic: 2 hours post c-section
4th pic: 1 week post c-section
5th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, stretchmarks on butt, hip, thigh and stomach
6th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, stretchmarks on stomach and c-section scar
7th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, post partum body
8th pic: Kara Lee Eleanor – 4 weeks old

Twins and a Toddler…not sure who “I am” anymore (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 34 Comments

Who am I? I’m a…Mom….who is unsatisfied. Grateful in a lot of respects, but one who feels guilty I’m so unhappy. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll get some peace with after doing so…doubtful. I must have taken a half dozen pictures of my belly and kept deleting them saying…”nah, it’s not that bad…must be angle.” But, alas, pictures don’t lie so I here I am…humbled….sad…disgusted.

I’m 39 years old with a 4 year old and boy/girl twins who are almost 9 months old. I had an easy pregnancy with my first and difficult time with the twins for obvious reasons. I was on bed rest at 25 weeks and carried them to 38.5 weeks. My son was born 7 lbs. 6 oz. and my daughter was 6 lbs. 1 oz. Everyone is healthy and for that I’m grateful.

But I hate what it’s done to my self esteem. It’s not just my weight really either.

I’ve never been what you’d consider thin. I was always a pear shape with bigger butt and thighs. My only saving grace was my thin waist and belly…now that’s gone. I’m 5’1” and currently weigh about 185 lbs and wearing size 16 pants. With the twins, I got up to like 220. At my happiest, I weighed about 135ish…around my wedding in 2002. Good times!

I’ve tried buying control garments to push in and smooth out the rolls, but it makes me feel like a sausage so I only wear it when I want to look really good…well, as good as I can. I really don’t get out much…thankfully.

Because of our financial situation and with the unexpected twins, I had to quit work and stay home with the twins (my 4 year old goes to pre-school). I hunger for anytime intellectual stimulation and adult interaction. I often think I might be a better Mommy if I wasn’t around them all day, but that is not in the cards right now so I have to make the best out of this. I miss work, but there is no way I could every go back, not even part time, and afford day care for 2 and pre-school for 1. I’m grateful my husband has a good job and we live modestly so we are ok. I do hate having to ask him for money so I can buy socks or underware. It’s kinda humiliating to have to ask for money, but that is my reality now.

One of the hardest things for me is that me and my husband haven’t had sex in almost 2 years (since we conceived the twins). We didn’t at all when I was pregnant…was never really into that for some reason and after the twins, forget it–no energy or time. We are wiped out by 8:30pm and he wakes for work at 5am so he’s tired and I’m tired too. I have a wonderful husband, he’s a great father, great provider…but I feel we have grown distant in a lot of ways. Most of which are related to the chaos of raising a family and not having a lot of “us” time. We were never really ‘nympho’s”…at our best, we had sex 2 to 3 times a month…but it’s starting to bother me. He doesn’t ever complain about it nor does he ever complain about my body…but he never really gives me some positive hope either by saying “oh, honey, you look fine to me.” I’m sure he’s biting his lips out of kindness. I hate my body and don’t feel attractive at all.

The scar doesn’t really bother me, but the “twin skin” does. When I’m laying down, it’s all loose and wrinkled. When I stand, it sags. I don’t even think the gym would help with the extra skin…but it would help if I’d go more. I don’t really mind the gym…getting there is half the battle. The hardest part is managing the twins and a toddler and the gym. Between naps and feeding, I have 45 minutes to get there, drop the off in the child care center on site, work out and get them home for their next nap. I’ve tried working out at home, but I can’t stay focused…I keep thinking about all the housework to do and the million other things I could be doing.

Eating healthy is sooooo much hard work and expensive. Healthy stuff is so expensive and we are living paycheck to paycheck and there is not much left over. And, who has time to cut all that stuff up and prepare…people say the night before….well, I’m beat and exhausted by 9pm. I’m so crazed during the day, that I’m lucky if I can make a PB&J or something quick…surely and conveniently unhealthy. There are times I’m so stressed out that I eat just because it makes me feel better. Like a drug. There are times, I just want to throw up for a week or two to see some results and maybe get motivated. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Alli too…soiling my pants might be enough motivation to eat well. I don’t know.

It’s not really the weight per se, it’s the displacement of “stuff.” My belly from the side view looks like a “B” and it’s so…weird. I guess that is the twin skin pouch I was warned about. I guess the only lucky part is that I didn’t get any stretch marks which is amazing considering how large I got (picture below is of me at 37 weeks).

I long to be a healthy weight and happy with my body…it doesn’t have to be perfect, but not like it is now which is terrible period. There is not way of sugar coating it for me. I don’t want to be the ‘fat mom’ who can’t run after and keep up with her children. I want my husband to “want me”. I have to find the gumption to do something about this!

Thanks for reading. I hope I can find some peace someday. Maybe after the kids are in school and I go back to work and start saving for a tummy tuck. But for now, I know who I am a frumpy Mom…with no career…no sex life…living in empire waste clothing to hide my belly…with healthy and happy kids, a good husband, and for that I should find comfort…but I really don’t–but will keep trying.

– Age: 39
– Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births—1 via c-section, 1 set of twins via c-section, 1 miscarriage at 9 weeks.
– The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 yr old and 8 month old twins (8 months postpartum)